It was enough to make his head spin.
He had held onto Charlotte's gaze for as long as he could, before he lowered his eyes like a damn coward. He was suddenly aware of the two new faces in the room, and how the attention was focused on him. His face flushed red, and the heat made his scars itch like made. It was everything he could do to keep from scratching them like a feverish junkie. He was thankful for the poor light.
He shook his head.
"Jake," he said at last, "You used to be a policeman. You're the closest thing we have to law right now. If you let me walk out now, I'll never come back and you'll never have any trouble from me. Though, I'll be the last person to argue against you executing me right now."
It was living with himself that he struggled with so much. Every good deed done, every life saved, or settlement helped was an act of atonement. He never accepted any remuneration for his work unless he was truly desperate and even in those circumstances he only took the bare minimum.
The question remained his mind.
Is it enough? Will it ever be enough?
There was no taking away from the terrible things he had done, no excuses. He could try and preach survival, but the reality of it was that he had been too dead inside to fight it. The loss of his wife and two daughters had been devastating.
Lastly, the thing he would never admit to anyone for as long as he drew breath.
He had gotten to the point where he had liked it. The rush he got from killing, or dominating another human being, stripping them of their worth...it had become intoxicating.
That was when he had left as pleasure turned to disgust and his nauseating conscience had seeped back in through his skin.