HangYourSecrets

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

It was unbearably loud in the nightclub. Rob felt as if he was essentially in the beating heart of the entire city; the walls pulsed and pumped around him, complete with the red lights that hung above and the swaying bodies moving throughout the dance-floor.

Rob, Sam, and Austin had claimed a half-circular booth off to the side of the floor, talking to themselves, having drinks that cost more than a tank of gas in their van, and talking to the various women that moved about them. Jane and Mia had stepped out a moment ago, and it was like the floodgates had opened; word has spread about their activity in the band. It was like the woman here wanted a claim to fame—hoping to spread the story of their respective one night stands with bands that had become far more famous in the meantime.

Mia in particular struck Rob to be in a similar vein as these other women, but with the added benefit of being someone Rob had known in the past. He wouldn’t lie to himself; she was incredibly attractive. Her curved body, her outfit, her wild curly hair, were all perfectly chaotic. She was more of a force than a person. A great temptation for Rob to choose to succumb to or deny.

He felt odd being back out in the open, single like this. Ever since Jane’s denial he hadn’t been with any women. Even after being freed from any and all expectations from her he still felt the undeniable urge to stay faithful to her, even if she wasn’t. He had no reason to believe she had been with anyone else, but he felt like it was only a matter of time before she indulged herself. It was only in the nature she had presented to him, and it was only nature that drew him to Mia. After Sam and Austin had excused themselves to dance with their prospects, Mia swarmed in like on perfect cue, sliding against him, pressing her skin against his.

“You’ve got to try this!” She exclaimed, first sipping her drink with crimson lips, then pressing the drink to his. He could taste her as he did so, drinking something that tasted far more like pure alcohol than not. “It’s like a spirit, but so much better!” she said, downing the rest. “Talk to me, Rob. What have you been up to?”

They continued on, with Mia’s advances being so obvious. He felt her leg slowly wrap around his under the table; her arms slowly growing closer to his.

They talked for several minutes, catching up on what Rob had done, and what Mia had done in the expanse between their last connection. Rob had purposefully dropped all contact with Mia, hoping to make sure Jane would’ve never found out about the events that had transpired. He never kept secrets from her, but he always felt like this one would’ve really hurt her. Over the years, he forgot about Mia, hoping she’d just be another girl that’d fade away, never to be seen again.

Yet here they were.

Mia seemed good enough. She had worked odd jobs, before settling in some office. It didn’t seem too out of character for her; she had always looked at jobs as simply a way to get money for the nights. Rob had always seen jobs such as those as a bit of a prison. He tried to explain how he felt, but Mia seemed less and less interested in small talk. Once Sam and Austin had gotten back from his dance, he was looking for a final way out of this. For Jane’s sake…he really didn’t want to do this.

He pulled Sam and Austin aside, claiming to have gone to get more drinks. The loud music roared from a speaker close to them, and they shouted to be heard.

Rob shouted something indistinguishable beyond the pulse of the music.

“What?!” Sam shouted.

“I need you to fuck Mia!” Rob shouted even louder. He felt head around them rotate. Sam’s eyes darted past Rob to the girl he had been eyeing that night.

“What makes you think she would?!” he shouted back.

“She likes you too,” he said, “she told me back at my place in high school. She’d be down for it!”

“How?!” he asked. Sam seemed to be alright with the idea, but doubted the execution. Rob could catch wind of Mia’s glare from the table.

“Just follow my lead,” Rob said. He looked around again. “Where’s Jane?” 

“She came by the bar a minute ago, said she was going back to the room. She seemed pretty shit-faced.”

Rob sighed, hoping he hadn’t have been the cause of whatever influenced Jane to drink that night. Still, a part of him was happy she didn’t run off with another man. She had every right to, but the thought still burned.

He thanked Sam, and took him back to the table. The hours past faster now, with the three of them taking turns slipping into the restrooms and enjoying a line or two of Mia’s personal stash. Rob kept up face, making sure to push Sam at Mia whenever possible. After Austin had long since left the nightclub with another woman under his arm, Sam and Rob were still there, horrendously drunk, very high, and loosing consciousness fast.

“I’m going to go find another drink!” He slurred out, wiping the cocaine from his nose. He had to focus much harder now, making sure to give Sam a slap on the back as he felt. Last he saw of them before the door closed behind him, Sam had lifted Mia up, setting her on the sink and sliding between her legs. He smiled faintly as he tried to make his way out.

The music and noise all blended together this late at night. He felt like he was in some sort of vision or nightmare. He fought his way outside, pushing past everyone he saw and calling an Uber.

“Shit, dude,” the driver said as Rob climbed into his seat. The driver passed a few napkins back to Rob. He looked down, realizing his nose had bled down his face and onto his shirt. “I’m surprised you could even call me.”

Rob mumbled a thanks as he made it to the hotel, making sure to tip the driver well. By the time me made it into the room, he collapsed against the wall by the door. Dried blood clung to his face. Matted hair stuck in randomized bunches against his forehead and eyes. The rush of the coke and the buzzing of the drinks were mixing together all to terribly. Crawling to the sink, Rob wretched out the contents of his stomach, moaning slightly as he did so. He felt a sort of small victory, having found a way around being with Mia. But…it felt more and more like a pyrrhic victory, as he slid down unto the floor by the door. Balling himself up, he felt the cold floor against he cheek as he held himself and closed his eyes. Every fiber of his being wanted to force himself up to his room, to keep Jane from seeing what he had done. But he was more than drained; having conquered his temptations by drowning them out.

Forcing himself to sit up on the floor at the very least, he reached above his head, pulling down a glass, slipping it into the water dispenser by the fridge and pulling down a fresh glass of water, and sipped on it. He leaned his head against the cabinets behind him, and tried to angle his legs away from the door, hoping not to get tripped over in case Jane slipped in. With that final act, he closed his eyes, knowing he was in for another long, sleepless night. He only hoped he could be sober enough to manage the interview tomorrow.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

After the set, Rob tossed his sticks into the audience, before walking off with the others, slicking his hair back with the sweat he had built up within it. A stagehand tossed his a water bottle just off to the side. He thanked them as he downed the water in a single take.

He loved the feeling of the shows, especially now that everything seemed so aligned. Any and all frustration was brought to the stage and beaten to utter shit along with the rest of his drum heads. In fact, he was pretty sure he’d have to make Harold give him some money for new heads soon, seeing as how his floor and rack tom were both starting to give way to dents; the second of the two-layered material cracking from it’s constant, heavy usage.

Looking off to the side, he saw Jane put her own sweaty hair up. He envied the convenience, and either wished his hair could hurriedly catch up for his to tie it back, or else he’d probably buzz it off to be done with his little experiment.

Catching up with Sam and Austin after load-out, the three caught up with Jane as she was talking to someone. As he got closer, Rob started wondering. Could it be—?

It was.

“Holy shit,” Rob said involuntarily.

Mia gave Rob a sultry smile and greeted him. It was the same smile he remembered from high school. Back in those days, Mia had been quite vocal about her feelings to Rob, especially during the days building up to her move to New York. Her last day at Long Beach, Rob had called her over. He was much more direct during those days: he wasn’t ever interested in relationships, but when he wanted someone…

He had always found her to be really attractive, but knowing she wouldn’t be around anymore escalated things. They spent several hours together that day and night.

Mia was so much like Jane, but she was totally opposite in Rob’s mind. Jane represented emotion, a connection with someone he hadn’t had with anyone else. Mia was a purely superficial entity for Rob. At least…she used to be. Seeing her again now was too odd.

He was so lost in thought about it, he let the others respond to the suggestion of hanging out with her go by without him. Sam and Austin seemed so eager, but this wasn’t a situation he really wanted to be in.

Once they had gotten to the room, Rob waited for Jane to step out of the shower, and slipped in as soon as he was sure she had left it. As he rinsed off, he could smell whatever fragrances Jane had left in the air behind her. He longed for the evening they had spent together almost like it was a passing memory rather than simply earlier that day.

He got out, cleaned up his beard a bit, and slipped on a clean white shirt over a bomber jacket and a clean pair of pants. He was in his room when he heard Mia come inside. He couldn’t help but hear them talk about him for just a moment, before seeing Jane peer in as he finished scribbling something down some lyrics he had thought of in a journal.

“Sure,” he said, looking up and setting his work down. He followed her back into the main room, seeing Mia again.

“Good to see you, Rob,” Mia said, her voice dripping with memories of their past. Rob offered her a cordial smile.

“It’s been a while,” he tossed out, before diving his eyes into his phone. “I’ll grab Sam and Austin. Meet you at the lobby?”

Before he could hear a response, he slipped out the front door without looking back. He almost forgot to breathe until he got down there, finding Sam and Austin waiting patiently.

“Where’s Jane?” Sam asked. “With Mia?”

Rob nodded, swallowing as well. “I wasn’t expecting to see her again.” Before he could continue, Austin laughed loudly as Sam rolled his eyes and handed him twenty dollars. “Wha—you—you bet on this?” He asked, mortified.

“Twenty dollars that you fucked her before she moved to New York,” Austin said bluntly. Rob looked around to make sure any kids or moms were around as he said it.

“I didn’t say that,” Rob about whispered.

“You didn’t have to.”

Rob took in a deep breath, before approaching them closer than he had before. “Look,” he said, “I’m just trying to figure out shit with Jane—“

“Well holy shit!” Sam about shouted, “I never would’ve guessed!”

“Look,” Rob about spat out, “I don’t want things to get any more fucked up. So just…help me out here.”

“So…you don’t want to fuck Mia?” Sam asked. Rob half-jokingly punched him in the shoulder. But just enough to hurt.

Before they could continue, Jane and Mia walked around the corner, and soon enough, all of them were off on a night on the town. One that couldn’t end soon enough.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Led Zeppelin was a welcome change to what Rob hadn’t expected from Jane. Especially not “Whole Lotta Love.” It reminded him of another memory that played out ahead of him while he kept the beat:

Back in the day, Rob had been infinitely more obsessed with Led Zeppelin, even more than he would let on. It was a gateway drug for him; an entryway into music beyond the scope of generic rock or Top 40 radio. Somewhere during the height of the excitement, during the short time-frame where he drove her around before she had gotten a car, he’d always bother Jane with tracks like Babe I’m Gonna Leave You, blasting the breakdown at about two minutes and twenty seconds into the song, head-banging to the beat and slamming the wheel. He was pretty sure she thought he was going to kill them both.

The song Jane had chosen wasn’t the kind to fly down the highway too, but it was certainly one to play with someone with vocals like hers. She felt her way around the melodies, taking whichever route she wanted to. She seemed to sway in the rhythm, looking back a few times at Rob. He kept his own eyes with the guest bassist and guitarist, making sure to keep with them and motion for when he wanted to slow or speed up, but he couldn’t help but feel more than a few mixed emotions about the specific choice. And not only that, but…the way she would look at him. It was so similar to the way she had that very first show of the tour, but in another way so completely different.

He tried so hard to shake the thoughts from his mind, but he worried a parasite had wormed it’s way into his brain. Something he could never get out. Hope was the easiest way to get his heart broken, and it’s the last thing he wanted to happen.

He kept it in his mind at the pizza place, too. all throughout the ultimately meaningless conversations and jokes. Each look in her eye. Each touch of the arm. All of it was starting to become overthought. Overanalyzed to the point of nothingness, until Rob eventually tried to admit to himself that it wasn’t something he could ever realize.

Still in this moment, he was glad to be with Jane. With his friend. Regardless of motive, she was being forward with him, and normal again. For this small fleeting little moment, everything was just…fine.

“I’m glad we got to do this,” he said, eyeing the crust on his plate, wondering if he wanted to go ahead and finish it. For some reason, eye contact with her was always easy…except when discussing themselves.

As Jane motioned to leave, he decided against finishing the slice and agreed that it was time to go.

---

At the room, Rob switched out of his nicer clothes and reverted to old habits; an old Anberlin shirt was thrown on, above a pair of black shorts and Nikes.

Jane waited outside, and Rob just about stopped in place when he realized that she was wearing a dress, of all things. It wasn’t that she looked bad—in fact he found her gorgeous in this moment—but it was so very odd. Like there was some sort of special occasion. He made a mental note to ask Austin about this before trying to play it off.

“I didn’t know you owned a dress,” he said lightly, moving to the fridge and taking an energy drink out. He couldn’t help but be serious for a moment: “You look great, Jane.”

He tried to focus on other things, such as the upcoming show, all throughout meeting back up with Sam and Austin, heading to the show, and all throughout load-in as well. The entire process was a blur to him, but he was sure to open his eyes again when he saw The Pit.

It was a venue that looked almost like it was trying to copy The Cavern Club, that old shitty venue the Beatles had played in. The entire place was designed to look underground; so much so, he wasn’t sure if they actually were or not. Since they had decided to stay in New York for a few days, Harold had scheduled them in smaller, more intimate venues, known for launching bands. He figured it would be a good play for them, but Rob figured he had googled the place moments before booking them into it.

Rob peered out behind a curtain to see the crowd, before he realized; they were the headliner here. In all the chaos and confusion, Rob hadn’t realized Harold booked them as the headliner. Festivals were all they had ever played on this tour. Something about seeing the several hundred people all itching for them gave Rob a tinge of nervousness; broken by Austin’s voice:

“Crazy we brought these people in,” he said, giving Rob a jolt with his loudness. Austin laughed at the scene.

“Hope we can deliver…” Rob mumbled. Austin slapped him on the back rather, hard, before turning to go away. Before he could, Rob called out after him. “What uh…do you know what’s going on with Jane?” He tried to ask innocently.

Austin’s face put on a smug little grin. “Dude, I’m not even getting involved. Good luck!”

Austin ran off before Rob could get in another word, leaving him to sit and wonder.

Sometimes, he really fucking hated that guy.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Rob didn’t really get it when people thought Jane looked dirty or average. She was fucking beautiful.

It was the first thought that ran through his head as she came out and complimented him. He as glad she had noticed but was even more distracted by her own beauty. Features people complained about were the one’s he seemed to be drawn to the most. Her tangled hair enthralled him. Her smaller frame fit perfectly with his the once night they had spent together. And…being braless never hurt.

“You look better,” he responded honestly, instantly regretting the words as he come from his mouth. Sometimes he felt as if he was trying to sabotage himself. Luckily, Jane didn’t seem to make any obvious reaction to his words, so he was quick to leave them behind in the room, as the two walked out and headed into town.

That view he had had of the city from so far above seemed much odder here below. The people went from seeming like ants to feeling like a flood of bodies much bigger than himself. Luckily, the roads they traveled seemed to avoid the worst of it, and talking to Jane made the rest of the crowds disappear.

She seemed happier than before. Less nervous and more open to just simply talk. It felt like they had been friends again, and like every mistake they had made had long since faded with time. Rob constantly noticed things in Jane he had never before. The way she marched along the street with such confidence. Her eyes glowing as she remembered something. The way she lightly bit her lip as she was straining her mind for answers.

He laughed pretty hard with her as she remembered the past; specifically during the story of Sam. He straightened up and put on his best Sam voice: “Fuck you guys! Damn it, that fucking hurt!” he quoted Sam loudly from that night, drawing a few strange eyes for his sudden and excessive profanity. He laughed soon after, glad to have someone to remember that sight with him.

He kept smiling, even as Jane took his hand and dragged him into the record store. He took hers back as well, feeling her softer, lighter fingers before releasing soon after. Rob had always liked the sound of vinyl, but Jane loved it.

He ended up buying a classic Brand New record for himself that Jane had pointed out as she found it in a bin, knowing Rob’s love for the band.

He smiled at past memories of sitting in Jane’s home, staring at the ceiling together, tapping their feet slightly to the beat of the songs as they passed, talking softly to each other and taking turns getting up to flip or switch out the record. He had spent more time in that bedroom his high school and college-aged years than his own home. As he waited for Jane to finish up, he thought about those days:

Shit was always thrown about in Jane’s room, but some of Rob’s old things had begun making their way in as well as the years had gone by. Jane’s mom used to be a bit more suspicious of Rob (he was a bit older), but after a while, seemed to stop taking much interest in either Rob or Jane. For her sake, he never mentioned it.

He’d slip back into his home in the early morning, sometimes passing his father as he left for work. The two stopped talking to each other around the same time Rob graduated.

Rob’s father was an odd-man-out in Long Beach; the lone conservative in a liberal sea. He had moved into the area with his wife and child for the pay, but seemed so angry at Rob once he altered his style; stayed out long past curfew and hung out with the wrong crowds, in his father’s opinion.

His mother seemed to ignore the problems while his father grew more distant. After a night of confrontation, Rob condemned just about everything about his father right to his face. After that, they only spoke through his mother, or when absolutely necessary. In fact, the first time after a year they had spoken was for his father to tell him that a cousin of his had committed suicide.

Rob had gone to Jane’s house immediately afterwards, telling her casually since it had come up in conversation. She somehow knew exactly how to respond. She didn’t try to weasel the words out of him, nor did she try to tell him she knew how he felt. They simply continued on as they were, enjoying each other’s company and talking shit about the other kids at school. For years after, he was so glad he had spend that night at Jane’s house versus trying to talk things out with his mother. He loved her, surely, but Jane knew Rob. And he didn’t need a shoulder to cry on.

He just needed a person to share a bed with. To remind him he wasn’t alone.

Rob shook his head slightly to drain the thoughts from his head as he saw Jane finish purchasing her records. They walked back outside, and continued with the block; talking about whatever they wished.

”Anywhere you’d like to go?”

Rob smiled. In his mind, anywhere she wanted would’ve been fine with him. But now, it was his choice to make the decision.

Before anything could come to his mind, he heard the distinctive sound of live music, coming from somewhere in the area. Looking to Jane, he moved forward, before spotting a bar with a sizable amount of people hanging around the area for this time of day. He moved inside, catching the tail end of a group of guys covering Judith by A Perfect Circle.

He applauded as he heard the final notes, and smiled as the singer cleared his voice with beer and thanked everyone in the town. From the smell of cigarettes to the sounds of idle chat, Rob felt so at home in this place. Music played here meant something. It was purposeful, straight from the heart, and usually really great.

The guys each moved off their instruments as a bartender quietly handed Rob and Jane an IPA without so much as an ID check. Rob realized that it was no band that was playing, but rather it was the bar’s instruments, and anyone willing to come up with their friends and play were free to do so at will.

The next round of people drunkenly moved up to the instruments, much to the clear distain of a worker watching them closely. They quickly delved into a shitty cover of The Middle by Jimmy Eat World. Rob couldn’t help but laugh at how loose they were with the tempo, as the drummer continually sped up the band before trying much to late too slow things down.

“Man, fuck these guys,” Rob said, sipping his drink. He turned to Jane briefly to see how she was reacting to the sight. “We could do better than this.”

Actually… Rob thought to himself.

“We probably should.”

Rob chugged the rest of the IPA in his hand. It was pretty shitty anyways, and he needed the alcohol much more than he liked the taste. He felt the fluid grow warm in his stomach, knowing he’d have a light buzz kick in soon; if only for a few minutes.

“Do you want to?” he asked her.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Jane’s voice growled next to him; textured by the night’s sleep. It almost shocked Rob, and he suppressed a slight jolt as she appeared next to him.

His hands barely received the pack of cigarettes tossed their way soon after. That pack found itself bouncing around in Rob’s fingers, before landing with a thud on the concrete, inches from where Jane’s feet were planted. He slid himself closer to her to pick them up, and pulled one out. He would surely need one after that show of awkwardness.

“You’re welcome,” his voice softly came in response to the breakfast. It really had been nothing more than habit, but he was happy Jane appreciated the gesture. She had even gone further, asking him to go exploring for a bit. His mind locked upon her phrasing: you and I. Not the band. Not a group. Them.

“I don’t want to be stuck in the room all day.”

“Me either,” he came. He turned to her and smiled. “I’d love to.”

No. Too strong. For god’s sake, man.

He quickly tried to suppress the smile, turning back to the view in front of them. From their close distance, Rob could almost feel the hairs on his arms brush against hers. He wanted to badly to hold her in this moment. But it was so fleeting, as Jane turned away, leaving him alone on the balcony once more. After seeing her once again, he felt tired. She had slept and awoken in the time had spent conscious. What was he going on, now? 30 hours? It sure felt like it.

Once Jane had moved into her own room, Rob slid into his, leaving the door open and fixing up a few things. But the more he thought, the more he wanted to just sleep. If only for an hour. Or thirty minutes…something. His being awake wasn’t going to help anyone. But he needed to stay awake, didn’t he? He didn’t want Jane to wait up on him. He wanted to be with her…definitely. But each passing moment he felt more and more like a zombie.

Eventually the decision was made for him, as he heard his name called out for him. He turned in place to see Jane entering his room…sheepishly? She walked with an air of insecurity that he hadn’t seen from her before. Her steps were less certain, her shoulders more tense. What had been the problem? It couldn’t have been something he had done. No…no there wasn’t a thing he had done all day besides cook food and drop cigarettes. Then what was it?

”I just don't really get what being normal is anymore”

Well…maybe it was something he did.

“I should’ve said that some other way,” he said, scratching the back of his head. God, he wanted to make her feel better. He wanted to reach and out hug her. Hold her. Do whatever the fuck she wanted him to do. Her hurting him was bad, but hurting her felt so much worse.

He watched as her eyes darted away from his, locking onto a spot upon the floor. Shit…she looked so vulnerable for once. It made no sense. The Jane he knew wasn’t one to open herself up. She closed herself off, mostly. Maybe tried to find comfort in other people, sure…but venerability? This was an entirely new concept from her, and he was much too dense, tired, and confused to really try to understand what was the source of it.

She turned to leave, then turned back. His name left her lips in a way that seemed to signal something important…only to be followed by:

"Get some rest and we'll go out later.”

“Uh, sure,” he stammered out. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but it certainly hadn’t been that. “I’ll meet you out here soon.”

With his words she had closed the door between them, leaving him more confused that he had hoped to be this early in the day. His mind, for once, refused to process any of it. He simply walked to the bed after setting an alarm, fell under his covers, and was asleep in about two minutes.

Two hours later, the alarm rang, and he felt as if no time had passed. However, his body felt just a bit better. The edge had been shorn off his haze, and he no longer felt the need to hibernate for the rest of the day. To mellow out, he kept his lights off and placed his headphones on, playing Your Move by O’Brother as he stared at the ceiling and zoned out to the ethereal sounds and harmonies, smoking a joint as he did so.

Afterwards, he changed out of his dirty clothes from earlier and stripped to his boxers. He marched across the apartment with a fresh change of clothes and closed the door behind him before bothering to look up. He showered diligently, keeping it as warm as he could manage to keep things soothing, before slipping out, drying off, and putting on fresh clothes. A plain white tee remained layered under a grey cardigan and black jeans, cuffed above black converses. It was a bit different than his usual style, but he felt good to have a change of clothes on for once. He pushed the sleeves up on slightly, unhappy with how they hid his forearms.

He mashed the familiar products into his damp hair, forcing it to comply to his demands. After feeling satisfied with the way he looked, he walked into the kitchen, are brewed coffee. As soon as it was ready, he drank it: black. The vile mixture burned at his throat as he forced it down, needing the caffeine rather than the taste. He must’ve been pushing 10 cups over the past 48 hours.

He sat in the living room and waited patiently on his phone, scrolling through different bands he had been following, before Jane came into the room. He felt so bad for earlier, even if he didn’t fully understand it. He had to find a way to make it up to her somehow today. Make her feel better without pushing himself too far. Rob realized how funny it was, how both of them were trying to figure the other out, see what was good and what was bad. It was like they had been meeting for the very first time.

“If I sleep anymore, I won’t sleep tonight,” he said. “I’m ready whenever you are. What did you have in mind?”

He knew it probably would’ve been best if he had at least made a suggestion, but the fear of making things worse had driven him to be more passive than he’d like. And…to be honest with himself, wherever Jane wanted to go would be fine. He just wanted her to be honest with him, because no matter how hard he tried to keep his expectations down, he felt more and more like that moment hours before at the doorway had meant far more than what it seemed.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

The band’s show had left Rob both physically and emotionally drained. The crowd never ceased to show loud enough to fuel him through the setlist, but once the final note had finished, Rob felt like he had had enough. Sam and Austin had agreed to go out on the town that night, while the other two members seemed more interesting in staying in. Once him and Jane had returned to their shared room, Rob moved into the kitchen and saw Jane walk right past, closing herself within the bathroom shared between them. He figured that she must have felt the same way about the shows. Night after night, the songs melded into each other. It first became tiring, then grueling, then absolutely crushing. He was glad that there were no plans tomorrow, and seeing as how the kitchen was completely empty, he decided to head down to the hotel’s convenience store and pick up a few things.

Thirteen floors later, Rob had arrived at the lobby of their hotel. He found a bitter irony in the fact that their floor, the thirteenth by technicality, was labeled “14” out of old superstition. As if changing the name would alter the fact that the floor was still “unlucky.”

After arriving at the hotel’s rather large convenience store, Rob shot a text to Harold:

11:39, Rob: Buying groceries, not hookers. I’d watch out for Sam and Austin though.

With each dollar the band pulled in, the greater strain Harold felt to monitor the spendings. He had set up a joint account between the four of them for shared band money back at the start of the tour. Then, there was little more than a few hundred in that account. Now, Harold never gave Rob a straight answer when he asked exactly how much he had.

Rob picked up a few things he felt like cooking, a decent amount of booze, several cartons of cigarettes, and some snack food he knew Jane would like. He hauled the load back over into the elevator, up to the thirteenth/fourteenth floor, and loaded it into the kitchen, just in time to see Jane’s toweled body cross the floor and close herself into her room. Soon after, the smell of her joint faded through the room, and for the first time on the tour, Rob actually worried about the hotel figuring it out. The nicer the rooms they stayed it, the less independent Rob felt. Each show came with more rules. Each dollar made had terms and conditions. It made Rob feel as if their little group had begun to loose it’s control. That the waves that had carried them thus far would continue to push them until there wasn’t much left to push.

To keep himself occupied, Rob browned some beef he had bought downstairs and hastily made some Hamburger Helper. In the living room, Rob set down his plate, opened a bottle of apple ale, and opened Netflix. Shit, this hotel had everything…

The later in the evening it became, the lower he turned the volume, as not to upset Jane. Then, as night faded into early morning, Rob continued to deny the fact that he just could not sleep.

He had tried to lay down somewhere between three and four in the morning. The massive bed felt cold to him. Each time he’d roll over he’d want Jane to be there; to enjoy her warmth, her scent…her taste…

Rob sat up in the bed before he could let his mind travel any further. How did he manage to be so close to her for so many years? He marveled at his own resolve in those days, but in actuality, it was just oblivion.

Rob had never once thought a romantic thought of Jane in high school. At the time, he had little concern for relationships; managing a few casual flings and the occasional friends-with-benefits with other women within the rock scene, when he felt the need. He looked at his own sexuality in those days as something to be maintained and controlled, to keep it from distracting him from what was really important.

Well, it certainly was distracting him now.

By nine in the morning Rob had long since given up, and sat on the balcony of their hotel, smoking cigarettes and not moving since the sun had risen earlier that day. New York was intricate and impressive, sure, but it almost felt wrong. Men and women marched like ants below him, surely traveling to their jobs, fighting for their paychecks. Some may had been analysts or brokers, agents and entrepreneurs, all lobbying for the same goal; money. In that goal the world around them turned to concrete and rebar; aside from Central Park, the green seemed to be sucked out from their world. Even back in Long Beach, Rob enjoyed what little untouched nature there was. Out here, it seemed so loud and desperate.

Rob had no interest in living that kind of lifestyle; however odd that may have seemed to his classmates. He didn’t need or want the security of the sanctity of the city. At most, he enjoyed the view and the concept of it, but it was just another Long Beach to him. A world with borders and limits that one day Rob would outgrow like Long Beach before it.

He guessed that he liked the idea of stability rather than the implementation. Such it was with Jane.

Convention warned him away from Jane. But everything about her just drew him closer. The way she hated convention. The spirit. The small things like the smiling face that stared back at him in the mirror in the bathroom. The more he thought of what seemed wrong, the more he wanted it. He didn’t want her to change a thing about herself.

He thought about all these things and more as he watched the night end and the day continue on without him, and it made him feel very, very small.

By eleven Rob had smoked the last of a carton of cigarettes and fried a half-dozen eggs, getting the amount he wanted and leaving the rest on the stovetop for Jane if she wanted it. His initial plan would simply not work. It was a waste to have even considered logic with the way he felt.

As he looked out into the city, at the millions of people below him, all Rob wanted was Jane.

He remembered a song from long ago:

As a preteen, his musical taste wasn’t yet developed. Songs he enjoyed remained on infinite repeat as other tracks remained difficult to find. His parents had never been musical people, and anything in the CD store labeled PARENTAL ADVISORY was off-limits to him.

He had gone to summer camp and met a girl. One night, they had snuck away, and she played CD’s she had burned earlier—tracks her elder sisters had shown her. One of those was a live cover: a song originally by Nine Inch Nails, altered into harder rock by Flyleaf. As they had made out under the stars, Rob could remember the lyrics to that song, as clear as day.

“I just want something I can never have,” Rob whispered under his breath as he looked down from the balcony. To have said it out loud made him feel so much better.

After the End

@Shorticus Go for it! I see no need to write the scene out myself, either.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

The conditioned air gave Rob a chill as he sat upon the foot of the bed, lost in thought for several minutes. Gentle footfalls pattered across the floor beyond his room, followed soon by shuffled fabric and Jane’s voice. The tune of Nirvana hadn’t hit his ears in such a long time; unlike some, he felt as if the band had a sound that was worth experiencing via a straightforward listening of one of their albums as opposed to just singling out specific tracks. However, as time moved forward there was a pretentious irony in enjoying the music, so Rob’s pleasure faded with time. On this specific evening, he was willing to reminisce in his former pleasure of the band, and sang along, alone, softy with Jane: All in all is all we are. Simple, repetitive, and beautiful.

Rob enjoyed a joke to himself as he thought of it: their single was two of these things. And as he continued to think, he couldn’t help but remember a painfully relevant verse from another Nirvana song:

”I’ll take advantage while you hang me out to dry. But I can’t see you every night…free.

He stood from the bed and made his way into the bathroom, making sure to pull his toiletries from his bag as he did so. He had a fortunate habit of showering on impulse, an issue few felt with be problematic. It did no good to his skin and hair’s dryness, but it did wonders for his mind. As he climbed in, Jane’s voice continued to permeate, creeping it’s way under his door and finding its muffled melodies through Rob. Oh, he tried so hard to not think of it. To not feel. Yet it was an impossibility. He launched his hand to the shower’s lever, twisting it clockwise and pouring icy water on his body, sending shivers and panicked nerves up his body. It was the only way to shower in peace.

Afterwards, Rob threw a usual cocktail of ingredients into his hair. It was a mixture of pastes, fibers, and creams, designed to keep his head smelling decent and keep his long hair from poofing out into an undesirable frizzy bush that it would usually become, if such precautions weren’t taken. His mind had recovered from the shower, and continued to ramble on it’s own thoughts and patterns. He worried about his future, his band, his feelings, his ambitions, his lust, his wants, his desires—

It never ceased to end. Only when he had forced himself asleep did his thoughts finally die down, releasing his into a bitter sleep…

…which felt so soon awakened by Jane’s gentle touch, shaking him back into his own body. Rob murmured a quiet “thanks” into the air as he heard her slide back out of the door. The latch locked into place with a quiet click, and once again it was quiet.

Being so close to Jane gave Rob a sense of pleasure—it reminded him of feelings he used to feel back in Junior High. It was like an innate sense of longing, a passionate, burning rage only fueled by lust and hormones. He remembered himself: acne-ridden, managing his hair only with his own clippers at home, luckily having more confidence than the other insecure men around him, making out with any cute girl within a few miles. It was a time of experimentation and impulsive desire. Now, the feeling had returned, but it was only Jane that made him feel that way.

There was maturity too, no doubt; it wasn’t just his sexuality that drove him. What he felt she didn’t understand was that he wasn’t going after Jane for security or stability. He wasn’t so blind as to think she would alter herself to match him. She was truly what he wasn’t. It was an honest admission to himself that he wanted what he didn’t have when he accepted his desire for her. In his own selfish mind he felt so bad that Jane felt like it was what he wanted. But he could never blame her for the assumption. The world around them wanted stability; it wanted the acceptance of mediocrity. Of a Bachelor’s degree in Engineering and a desk job—401k’s and two and a half children to be coddled up to start the sequence over again. It was a cheap bastardization of rigidness and the American Dream gone so horribly, horribly wrong.

What Rob desired most of all was forwardness and honesty from himself and those around him. He had lived his rigid lifestyle for so long that it was almost as if his instincts desired to off-set himself. Perhaps it was right. Perhaps Jane was right for him.

Or, perhaps Jane was right about stability. The world was beginning to fall flat in his head. It melded and emulsified into a sea of confusion to which there was no surface. Words piled atop words until it all lost meaning. Death by endless repetition.

As Rob dressed and exited his room, having put on a tight purple shirt and his usual black jeans. As soon as he left the room, the world simplified around him. He didn’t feel a need to overcomplicate with Jane. Merely being in her presence just made him feel better. Prose dropped. His walls fell. No unnecessary contact seemed so banal to him now. A battle was waging between the id and the ego. And the id was winning.

“Let’s go,” he said with a smile.

---

The festivals grew larger each passing day. It seemed so hilarious to Rob, that a mere week ago, the shows that had played kept them marginalized to an opening set and so few songs. It proved how fast fame moved in a digital age. Now, they played larger and later sets than Vulture. They had even been in talks to upgrade to a rented tour bus. With a driver. On payroll.

How the hell did that even begin to become an option for them? In case anyone was wondering, it was an easy answer: the single.

Rob had a love-hate relationship with that damned song that only continue to grow with each passing show. He played it with more spirit and energy than he truly wanted to, but it could only be faked so often and so effectively that he knew one day he’d read an article about how contrived his actions were.

As he waited for the show past his load-in and sound check, This Body by The Dear Hunter blasted through his headphones. He had always admired the entire sprawling album the track had come from; as well as the breakdown about three minutes-plus into the song. It was so deceptive and simple. Played live, he had seen it for himself a few years ago—one of the coolest experiences he had.

After finishing the track, Rob pulled his headphones out as Sam approached him:

“We’ve made an alteration to the setlist,” he said through his trademark stupid grin. “We’re not opening with the single.”

“You’re going to switch it out with another track?”

“We’re going to switch it around and put it in the middle. We wanted…to move Speechless to the opening track.”

Rob’s eyes lit up slightly. “Thank God,” he said in a voice, trying to be calm, “it’s designed to be an opener anyways.”

So as the lights dimmed upon the stage minutes later, and Rob’s snare rolled out into the audience, he began to feel alive again. This performance would not be faked. Rob needed an outlet for his energy, and Speechless took the form upon itself.

With each moment that past, every fiber of his being was slowly turning against his better nature. Off of this stage, he would need to fight against himself, try so very hard to respect the line Jane had drawn. But…on here? He could be honest. He could look up to the roaring crowds and masses that had come so far to see them, and he could ignore it all.

He looked instead to Jane—her figure silhouetted from his perspective against thousands of bodies, and he could play as if he loved her. Because he did.

And with Rob behind her, he assumed Jane could play as if the past few days had never happened. As if Rob didn’t love her, but also…because she didn’t love Rob.

Because as far as he was aware…she didn’t.

After the End

I should be posting tonight. Anyone want to interact with Amos? If not, I'll have something by midnight EST.

EDIT: Attempting to do a dual post. Will post once it works out.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

It was another relatively silent trip. It was something to be expected, after last night, but Rob still loathed the silence nonetheless. Jane had crawled over into the back seat, and Austin held the wheel softly as he drove in silence. Rob was slouched far down into his seat, his feet propped up against the glass, and his eyes closed underneath his dark sunglasses. Sleeping would’ve made the trip’s eight hour duration so much shorter, if he could just pull off passing out. By the third hour he had sat up, stretching his sore muscles and given up on trying. There wasn’t much more point.

Taking the AUX cable, Rob hooked up his phone and opened his Spotify. “I need to wake up,” he mumbled to Austin. Finding the song he wanted, he cranked the volume and played The Physical World - Death From Above 1979.

The song opened with an assortment of noise; a symphony of beeps and bloops. Austin's head turned to Rob as he muttered something to himself.

“Wait for it..” Rob said. Suddenly, the electronics dropped out, and the song truly began. As the main line ended for the first pulsing verse and its conjoining, repetitive riff, the car felt alive again. Austin nodded his head to the beat as Rob let out a smile. They hadn’t been nearly as close to each other in recent days, but perhaps just playing a song and listening together would’ve been good for them. He had seen him talking to Jane earlier, but he paid it no mind. Austin was bound by his own respectable morality; his sense of loyalty to both and preference to none. He knew Austin would never breathe a word of Jane’s thoughts to Rob, so there was no point in asking.

Instead, Rob took the time otherwise wasted on pointless pestering to think slowly and carefully about his present situation. He was an analytical person at heart, it it may have done him a bit of good to take a moment and analyze.

There was no point in denying the fact that he could not force or persuade Jane to do anything. She was her own person, and Rob his. It was unfair of him to expect her to reciprocate feelings, ease his pains, or to give any other sort of solace to him. It was true that she had hurt him the other night, and for that he was upset, but he had to know who Jane was. There was a balance he needed to strike between denying her of the respect she deserved and the time he so desperately wanted to spend with her, and keeping himself sane without temptation laying around every corner, promising to bite him in the ass if he so much as indulged.

What it came down to was this: he needed to keep some distance between himself and Jane. And perhaps not so much the cold loneliness he portrayed to her at the start of the tour, but if he continued to lay himself down at her feet, there was no reason he should expect to get anything other than trampled. So he needed to find a way to treat her like the friend she felt him to be, without opening himself up further to any misery. He had no reason to think Jane wanted anything other than friendship from him.

There was also his emotions to account for, for the very first time for Rob. He was not a man of passion, but one of logic. So how do you logically deal with emotions? It was a question Rob had been asking himself and had no answers too. The bitter truth was, no matter how much he tried and analyzed, he couldn’t protect himself from…well, himself. And his true self so desperately wanted to be with Jane. No matter how much of a wall he wanted to build, there was always going to be a primary weakness. If she willed it, those walls could come tumbling right back down, leaving him as broken and hurt as the day Anna had left him, and he realized that it was himself to blame.

Rob pushed it all away as Jane spoke, telling them all about the radio station wanting to interview the band, and it made him smile. Beyond what was between Rob and Jane, things had well and truly improved. The life they had always wanted was formulating in front of them. All they had to do was seize it. Rob knew about this, and knew that in order to survive, he would have to be logical. He would have to try. For the sake of everyone, and for the sake of himself.

When they had pulled over at another mall to eat, Rob had made his way over to a salad bar and gotten a plain salad without dressing, along with an iced tea. In the middle of the stop, Rob had saw Jane. He knew the longer they both ignored the current situation, the worse off either of them would become.

“Hey J,” he said smiling as he approached her. They were the same first words he had said to her at the start of it all. “I uh, I don’t know what the others had told you, but I didn’t want to feel like there were problems between us.”

He took a deep breath. “We’re friends, Jane. And I can’t change what I said or how I feel but—I respect how you feel about all of that.”

He wanted so bad to tell her not to toy with him anymore. To stop the nights they slept together. To stop being so intimate if all she was ever going to be was be a friend—

“I want us to be normal again. So…I’ll treat you normal if you treat me normal?”

He put on a smile as he pulled her in for a quick hug. His face brushing against her hair, smelling her for the first time since that night on the pull-out couch, so long ago it seemed.

“I’ll see you around, then.”

He moved away, sliding back outside to eat his salad as he watched people passing by. It was relaxing for one, but it was also healing. He thought he was strong enough to be cordial with Jane, but he had almost lost his sense again. His resolve was only so strong, and he was only so human. He needed to try to find a way to make this work for her, or else it would eat him up inside.

So he finished his food, went to the store for a coffee, and met back up with the group. They had arrived at the hotel a few hours later. When they checked in, however, Rob’s ideas seemed less and less likely.

“It’s four rooms,” the man said behind his counter. He held four keys in his hand, “but two apartments; each with two bedrooms. You’ll find a full kitchen and living room inside as well.”

Austin swooped in and grabbed the first two keys, both for the first room, and tossed the other one to Sam. Rob watched in near-horror as the two ran off, smirking at him and Jane as they left. This was just fucking perfect.

As soon as Jane and himself entered the room, Rob quickly realized just how close each room was. He’d be just a few inches away from Jane every night for a half-week.

“I’m going to change real quick,” he said to Jane, dragging his stuff into the first room and softly closing the door without bothering to lock it. He immediately pulled out his phone and texted Harold:

7:37, Rob: I thought we had four rooms.

7:38, Harold: You do. It’s one of the nicest hotels in the area.

7:39, Rob: Did Sam put you up to this?

7:41, Rob: He tried to talk me out of it. Figure it out, Rob.

Rob tossed his phone to the bed as he pulled his shirt and pants off, then sat at the edge of the bed. What was the number one rule of unrequited feelings?

No unnecessary contact.

Not even a day in, and his plan was already fucked.