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    1. Simplicity 10 yrs ago

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Plightz said
Not really, you have really good writing, but one thing I did notice is a small amount of misuse of the comma for lines like;Other than that, it's really good


Thanks for the advice/tip/comment :)
Plightz said
That's really good writing o.o


Really :D

Thanks! I started role playing to get better at writing so thanks! Any constructive criticism or something I can improve on?
DaDrummer676 said
I will be posting soon. I just noticed that two people already write in diaries, so I might take that out if Ana's CS....


It's a journal ;)
First post out :)

I just ended on a cliffhanger so I'll try to get another post out tomorrow.
The Old Information Department, at least the News branch of it, was old and musty, resembling the books and information they were working with. Jacob was working frantically, as usual, to impress his superiors. He, as well as the majority of the Betas, knew that hidden cameras were watching people constantly; he always worked hard, never knowing when he would be in the lime light. Busy sorting news between the important and unimportant, Jacob was waiting for his workday to be over. The job wasn't what he thought it would be. He hadn't gone to trade school for nine years to categorize papers, yet that's what he did for a living. Categorizing papers into two categories was the first, and most mindless, task. The important news were rewritten, altered if you will, to comply with the Golden State's regulations. The unimportant news were tracked down and ripped from their sources. The news ceased to exist after that point, at least in print. That was the flaw with the system. The news can only be twisted so much before some people remembered the truth. They couldn't mention it of course, for they risked being killed, but everybody knew that there were still people who knew of the past--the life before the war.

Jacob was busy analyzing A Brief History of Gandi when a buzz filled the room, signaling the end of the workday. The piece was intriguing, but he knew it wouldn't make the cut. The Golden State banned all work involving revolutions, and that was the basis of the research paper--Gandi's efforts to create a newer, fairer world. Therefore he would inevitably have to file the paper under "unimportant," even though he thought otherwise. Nevertheless, his day was over, so he stopped worrying about Gandi and the likes. He collected his few items into a briefcase and filed out the door alongside the other Betas, ready to return home. As he passed the Reaper that had been monitoring his shift, he kept his head down, not out of fear but out of respect. Once out of the door he followed the organized line out to the train station.

The train station was a jumbled mess of Betas trying to find their way to a train door. It didn't surprise Jacob though; it was always like this--a busy mess of people worrying more about getting home to a tapped home than trampling somebody. As Jacob made his way to the train door, an elderly man, well considered elderly by The Golden State (the man was just starting to sprout some gray hairs), bumped into him. Jacob muttered a half sincere apology, after all he wasn't the one who bumped into another person, but the man made a bone chilling statement back.

"They're looking for you."

Jacob was taken by surprise, but the message didn't mean much to him. He hadn't been on bad ground with anyone for years. The odds of somebody waiting for him was slim to none; a more likely explanation was that the man was talking to the wrong person. But still, messages like that weren't common. A seen bump or a noticed "glitch" in the normal routine of things could mean being taken by the Reapers for "questioning." We all knew how that always ended up. Jacob made his way to the train door and handed the Reaper positioned there his ID.

"Are you Jacob Barrett?"

Jacob was taken by surprise. Nobody knew his last name. Nobody called him Jacob Barrett. But he wasn't going to tell the Reaper that. The fact that Jacob had been taken aside for questioning before boarding was bad enough; he didn't need a pissed off Reaper on his hands either, so he responded truthfully. "Yes sir, I am Jacob Barrett."

"Follow me. You are being taken into custody. You are now property of the Golden State. At this point you have no rights. You will comply or you will meet death. If you comply, follow me. If you want to make a scene I have orders to shoot you on the spot. I think it is in your best interest to do as I ask."

Jacob followed the man. Death wasn't of his best interest today. The glares were obvious. The train station seemed to slow down in time and everybody was taking their sweet time to glare at him. People weren't moving, they were gawking. They were standing still and silent trying to make sense of what had just happened. A Reaper shot his pistol in the air. "Keep moving or I'll put all of you in god damn custody!" he barked. The train station sped back up. People started moving again and the station cleared out, the train with it. The train was gone, the people were gone, and Jacob was still following the Reaper.
I just posted an entry in my other roleplay so I'll post tomorrow for this one. Hope that's ok :)
I put my first IC post up.

So I think I'm going to RP in two types of posts. The first one is the Journal entry format which I just did for my first post. It will be a more childish writing style where James can talk to himself and talk about his day. This is where I'll expound on his emotions and character a little and get across what he's thinking.

The second type will be a more mature writing style where I'll actually narrate the story outside of a journal format. If you want an example look at MissCapnCrunch's first post, second section. That's pretty much how I'll do my posts except I will split up journal entry from narration.

Is that ok MissCapnCrunch?
Journal,

So first things first this is a journal, not a diary. Got it? No diary here. Just a journal where I can right about my day without gossip and girls sinking their way into here. After all I'm not my sister. I don't know how she can write about such immature things in her diary. I thought I was the "immature and foolish" one, but you don't see me writing about boys and my feelings down now do you?

Oh wait, Journal. I never told you how I know about Isabella's diary. So going back to this foolish and immature thing, my 16 year old sister still hides things under her pillow like it's such a safe place. It's like she stills believes in the tooth fairy or something. But back to the story, Journal. One day I was cleaning her room (My parents are so unfair and make me clean her room because she's "busy with school and trying to find where she belongs in the world." Most amount of bull crap I've ever heard from them. But whatever.) I was making her bed and I went to change the linen around her pillow and there was a diary under it. A diary. My 16 year old sister has a diary. She thinks she's so much better than me and so much older and mature but I'm not the one keeping a diary now am I? I'm just keeping a journal. A normal, ordinary journal where I can write about my day and keep childish thoughts out. Remember? Ok just checking, Journal.

But that's enough rant for today. I should probably write about my day, I mean after all this is a journal. It's been raining. Like a lot. I can't say I'm necessarily mad though; staying indoors has it's own advantages just like being outdoors does. Sure I can't work on my fort with my friends or anything but at least I can play some board games and stick around with family. And my muscles are starting to get sore too. Turns out digging for 6 hours a day doesn't do the body too good. Who could've ever guessed.

Tomorrow, assuming the rain stops, I'm going to play with Ana again and keep on working on our fort. It'll be fun I think. I like spending time with Ana. Not because I like her or anything though (that's absurd, Journal)! But she's a nice girl. Sort of quiet but nice and smart and pretty. But what am I doing; this is a journal. I need to focus here. This is for writing about my day, not my emotions. I think the rain just stopped. I'm gonna go check. I'll write to you later, Journal.

-James
Are we going to start tonight MissCapnCrunch?
MissCapnCrunch said



If nobody else joins would it be a viable option to leave my friends as NPCs?
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