SpiritedDream

Coruscant Sacked: Aftermath

Some people don't classify the thumb as a finger, which means by that reckoning the fourth finger would be the pinky.

Coruscant Sacked: Aftermath

All this excitement. And Andri missed it. Sigh. Good old Miasa coming to her rescue.

Coruscant Sacked: Aftermath

Spirit thinks about how her posts would look. Spirit realises they would be illegible due to the random leaps of logic she takes in odd directions.

I typed out a thought process I went through whilst making a character once. Another person saw it, and told me I have a strange and confusing mind. I'd hate to see you all try to understand my posts, so keyboards are good for me. :)

Pharros [A Super Chill Pokemon RP Reboot]

“Iron!” Shani cried, leaping on the smaller pokemon as he stopped thrashing around. “I was so worried – you weren’t moving, and the Ursaring stomped on you, and he was really big, and you weren’t moving!”

Tears welled up in her eyes, her worry finally turning to relief, she lightly tapped him on the head with one paw. “Don’t you ever do that again. I was scared, Iron.”

The Fennekin turned to the older pair, and shuffled her feet. She bowed her head and laid her ears flat as she spoke, “I guess we’re in trouble now, huh? I’m sorry. Can you – can you help us get home, please?”

Coruscant Sacked: Aftermath

~|Day 2: 8:31 - 8:39 GST|~
~|Aboard the Kaggath|~

Andri watched the scene in concern, her brow furrowed as the Kel Dor fought against the Trandoshan Sith. She wasn’t a fighter, to be honest – her offensive skills were lacking and what she did know was more suited to be used against multiple opponents or in a battle of attrition. The Epicanthix was a much better talker than she was a fighter; that was why she had spent the last fifteen years on diplomatic missions as an ambassador for peaceful negotiations. Certainly, the black haired woman had seen conflict and combat - they were in a time of war, it was kind of hard to avoid fighting at some point - but she had been lucky enough to avoid actually aggressive conflict beyond protection detail for politicians and the like. Her lack of combat skills had never truly been an issue before now.

Andri knew how to be honest with herself; she was sorely underpowered to help in a fight against a Sith of this calibre. The only ‘offensive’ ability she knew, beyond the basics that all younglings and padawans are trained in, was Force Stun. The last time she tried that, the Sith barely even flinched.

When Xid spoke, his voice low enough to avoid the notice of the two Sith in the room, Andri’s mind whirled. But what could she do? The Epicanthix had literally just admitted to herself that she was not a fighter; she was support at best. The black haired woman chewed on her lip slightly, still frowning slightly as she studied the scene. Honestly, she wasn’t sure what was going on beyond the Trandoshan had tried to take the Twi’lek, and the others had tried to stop him. It had been an automatic reaction for her to jump in and help the other Jedi - one that seemed to be turning into a lot of trouble.

The lizard-man certainly didn’t seem like he was going to stop trying to take the girl, just because the Jedi protested. Is that not what the Sith brought them here? To test and torture?

Andri glanced down at Xid again, and released him. It wasn’t her place to restrain him from helping whichever way he could, even if the conversation the pair had before weighed in her mind. If he died, what were they to do? But the anxiety on his face was obvious to her, as she was so close to him, and she couldn’t begrudge him the chance to help save his friend however he could.

“I’m not sure how I can help, to be honest.” She murmured to him. “I’ve not exactly trained as a fighter.”

Any response he may have given her was washed away by the sudden wave of the Dark Side emanating from the Kel Dor as he leapt over the Trandoshan. Andri’s mind reeled back, her jaw dropping slightly as he attacked, before some instinct had her hand rising as the Sith made to react in kind.

A Force Stun left her, focusing on the Trandoshan as she weighed whatever strength in the Force she had behind it. Hopefully it would be enough to stop him from slicing the Kel Dor in two, and the others could take advantage of any distraction she caused. At this point, the Epicanthix would be happy if he left without killing or permanently maiming somebody - let the Sith take the Twi’lek if he really desired, as long as he brought her back.

She could think about the Kel Dor’s Dark Side use later.

RWBY AU;Heroes of a Different Story (Mission terminated. Wishing you all well.)

I just got on, so I haven't seen the new version. I'll see if I can narrow down some of the problems a bit.

Mmkay. Spirits review. I’ll take it from the top again.

I have no clue how Phantom missed this before, but due to plot reasons, can you change her aura colour from black? A birthstone (also known as Brazilian Opal) opal is white with many different colours inside, whilst here in Australia, we have medium blue opals with many different colours inside. I suggest one of those. If those colours aren’t to your liking though, this picture might help.

In response to what Phantom wrote about her backstory, may I make a suggestion? Rather than having her parents be a renowned martial artist and a famous sports star, make the martial artist a teacher at, or owner of, a martials arts school. This would allow them to still be very good at martial arts, teach her to follow in their footsteps, and people who went to the school would know them, but they wouldn’t be famous.
The same could be applied to the sports star. There are plenty of smaller league sports that, though the players may be known in their community, as a whole they aren’t famous at all. Vale is a large city, (I have seen calculations that, assuming Remnant has the same mass as Earth, put Vale as a megalopolis the size of the entire country Egypt. I personally am of the belief that it’s about the size of Sydney, which is still very large, but the math is there) so I’m sure there are going to be civilian sport centres strung all across it that never make it to national television, but the teams still get known around the areas they are in.
Her parents could just be the type to put high expectations on the child - perhaps they wanted her to go worldwide instead, and follow their footsteps but be better.
For her personality, it is a bit odd to have a submissive person who is extremely driven. But, if you believe you can play her well, then there is no problem.

Mmkay, the weapon, which Phantom has serious issues with. I have spoken to him, and pointed out the merit of changing the rule from ‘every student must make their own weapon from scratch at combat school’ to ‘students are allowed to upgrade a pre existing weapon, but it yields lower marks than students who make a weapon from scratch’. He has agreed to this, which means you can keep Blitzkrieg! As...long as you do some upgrades.
Here’s the downlow. As it is now, it is probably a good weapon for a student who has just entered combat school. We however would like for you to make some upgrades that make it a little more efficient for a Hunter, and these are the suggestions we have come up with.

- Instead of a gravity fed box clip, computerise it slightly to make it autoload the next bolt as soon as the previous bolt leaves the weapon. This would reduce loading time, and allow her to use to crossbow as a semi-automatic simply by holding down the trigger.
- Make the box clip either more compact, or holding six-eight bolts in each, which would increase her effective firing rate.
- Can you clarify if the arms of the crossbow fold away for storage? Phantom seems to think it doesn’t, but I’m sure the model clearly shows that they do.
- Make the bayonet collapsible or retractable, possibly even a variant length bayonet, that when the crossbow handle is folded away can be used as a sword/cleaver, which would give her more options for close combat.
- New question: Is the crossbow a string-based firing function, or launcher-based? If string based, she’ll have to do regular maintenance checks to make sure the locking mechanism for the forward position of the arms don’t fail at an inopportune moment. If launcher based, the arms aren’t necessary at all and can be removed if you wanted, streamlining the weapon and allowing her to use the bayonet in melee combat easier. Up to you, was just wondering.

Semblance is much better in fitting with the character this time.

Random question time: Is there a particular reason for her to be a ninja-styled character, in what she wears and her symbol? Or was that just the aesthetics you chose? It has no bearing on the character, I was just curious.

Star Wars - Jedi Exile - Betrayal of the Republic.

I may not join, but I'll certainly lurk and follow along. Sounds good, Sep.

RWBY AU;Heroes of a Different Story (Mission terminated. Wishing you all well.)

-Huh. Was not aware of that, but thank you for clarifying. In case you were wondering, the CNR compliant version of Naja is Ancient Greeks, meaning river or water nymph.
As for the name thing - technically they all do. Some are puns (Cyril Ian, sounding like cerulean), most are first names, and some are last names (Lisa Lavender, James Ironwood, who's last name puts you in mind of a type of wood). So technically though the first name doesn't fit CNR, Ironwood still follows it through his last name.
The name is LamBRusco. The capitalised letters are the only ones taken, so take your pick from the remainder. As we now have confirmation of a canon team having a vowel in the anagram, Naja Ashei does fit.

And thanks for clearing that bit about the name up. The way it was worked sounded like her name had some criminal activity attached to it, but if it's just wanting to wash away the shame it makes more sense. Though in that case, wouldn't it make more sense for her to use her own name? That way people would hear of the deeds of her real name and start to associate it with good things, instead of hearing these great deed for Naja Ashei and then having it revealed that 'Oh no, her name is actually this.' That has a potential to backfire on her, as then people are curious as to why she didn't use her real name in the first place.

-Hey, don't look at me. I quite liked the weapon, and the model is really awesome. That's all Phantom. Though I will say, the computerised bit was literally just me being curious, it had no bearing on the weapon itself. I only asked because you mentioned it was electronic, which made me wonder just how high tech it was.

Let us know when you update her :)

Pharros [A Super Chill Pokemon RP Reboot]

”Waaaaargh!”

Iron charged straight towards the Ursaring, confident that he could take him down the same way he took down the other one. But what Iron didn’t expect was for the Ursaring to fight defensively; instead of trying to smash Iron into the ground, he raised his arms up as Iron tackled into him, doing very little damage. ”Whah?” From there, Iron was too slow to react to the brutal beat down.

The Ursaring grabbed Iron and tossed him into the ceiling. He smashed into a crystal before falling down, but instead of hitting the ground the ursaring smashed Iron with a sky-uppercut, once again bashing Iron against the roof. As he fell the Ursaring grabbed Iron, slamming him onto the ground before stomping on Iron. “Stupid little runt! Back into the dirt with you! Now… Where’s that other one?” The Ursaring turned towards Shizuka, figuring that Iron and Shani were done for.

Iron was broken. His face cracked, his shell shattered, and a red/black mineral leaking through his body. He was bleeding. It was questionable if he was even alive; his mangled and broken body certainly looked dead.

Shani shook her head to clear the slight dizziness that accompanied being flung across the cave and looked up just in time to see her friends body get stomped on. She called out in dismay as the little Aron went limp, “Iron!”

The firefox glared up at the looming Ursaring, who had focused on the teen pokemon instead. “You hurt my friend.” She growled lowly. The Fennekin pushed herself back to her feet, her ears folded back and tail waving angrily as she spoke. “I won’t forgive you!”

’Focus. Feel the power, condense the energy.’ She thought to herself, reaching for the fire that always burned within but she could never pull out. ’Iron needs help. I can’t fail him.

The fire burned in the back of her throat, and Shani was quick to spit the small embers at the Ursaring. Though they weren’t large, or overly powerful, the fox pokemon kept up a stream of them as she ran around to one side of the Ursaring, getting in closer whilst also avoiding being in an easy-to-reach position. It would do Iron no good if the young Fennekin got hurt the same way.

The Ursaring growled in irritation, small patches of fur smoldering under the pepperspray of embers, and he turned to face Shani, swinging a large paw at the small pokemon. Shani used her smaller size to duck between a pair of close-standing crystals, and the Ursaring roared as his paw struck them instead.

Quickly seeing her chance while the bear pokemon was distracted by the shards of crystal currently embedded in one paw, Shani darted at the large pokemon. Lowering her head, she rammed into his shoulder, knocking the larger pokemon off balance. A tail whip aimed at his feet when she landed again tripped the unstable Ursaring up, and he fell back with a mighty crash. The cave shook, more crystals raining down on the pokemon within as Shani released a final ember into the downed Ursarings face.

“And stay down!” She commanded him as his eyes fluttered shut, the combined damage finally adding up to unconsciousness. The little firefox gave a decisive nod before turning to her friend. “Iron! Oh no, Iron. Wake up!”

She nudged at the limp body of her friend, and whirled on the Kirlia. “You have to help him!”

RWBY AU;Heroes of a Different Story (Mission terminated. Wishing you all well.)

@Forsythe

Okay, from the top. This is a combined review of both myself and Phantom.

Name is slightly obscure in how it follows CNR, but that can be excused due to it being assumed. Please, when you decide her actual name, tie it into her appearance somehow (as that is what children are named for at birth after all), and explained how it follows CNR.
The main problems we have with it, is following CNR it means ‘River Ashen’ or River of Ashes. Not following CNR it means ‘Escape Ashen’, or Escape the Ashes. Very...dark.

She has a few too many faunus traits for a half-faunus. A fullblooded snake faunus, it would be understandable to have them, though really faunus are shown to only have one obvious and one not-so obvious traits (cat ears and night vision, for example), but a half-blood would likely have either one obvious trait OR one not-so obvious trait since the genes are likely recessive.
Also, being cold blooded is actually a pretty terrible thing for someone who wants to be active. If she ever gets sent somewhere snowy, she’s likely to die.
My suggestion: Pick one obvious trait. If you go with the fangs, make her venom mild, not extremely deadly.
For the sake of the RP and logistics, please make all reptilian Faunus warm blooded.

For her weight - she is very underweight by BMI calculations. Keep in mind that muscles weigh more than fat, so even if she is thin, she’d still have a healthy weight because she is fit. Add in her cold blood, it’s likely that she would catch hypothermia from a light breeze or light rain, simply due to the lack of anything to keep warmth in. Her outfit helps a little, since it is pretty covering, but being made of light materials it won’t help much. She’d likely die of pneumonia if she ever had to go somewhere cold, and would be extremely lethargic naturally.

Her background needs a lot of expanding, as it is too vague right now. The RP is set a year ahead of RWBY volume 1, which means the White Fang had a regime change 6 years ago, when she was 11. That means that anyone part of the White Fang before then would not be arrested as they were simply peaceful protestors. And a Faunus who is married to a human is unlikely to have stayed in a group that started targeting humans violently, which means her father would have left before he could have ever done anything that would get him arrested.
She can still dislike the White Fang, as she is a being of both worlds and therefore is likely to have faced discrimination from both worlds - the White Fang for promoting views against her human side, and the humans for disliking her faunus side. Think of it like the ‘half-cast’ children of dark-skinned and light-skinned parents in the early parts of the 1900s. She would face discrimination similar, though the discrimination from the Faunus side would probably only start up when the White Fang regime changed, and she would be old enough to understand that they were at the root of that particular change.

Of course, changing that would mean her family name has not been sent into a sinkhole, which negates the need for a name change. However, if her father became a criminal after leaving the White Fang, she could have a dual dislike of the underworld and the White Fang, and a wish to disassociate herself with her name, as her father would be a known criminal.

The weapon model is awesome. I just wanted to say that. And, because it has electronic parts, I have to ask. Are there any computer functions in the weapon? Pure curiosity, it has no bearing on the character herself.
That being said, it is very basic. It’s a good basic, starter weapon for a fighter or a kid just entering combat school, though perhaps not exactly the best kind for a Hunter, whose main focus of fighting is against Grimm. Large scale upgrades are recommended, especially since it’s not even up to the standards a Beacon first year student would have.

Her semblance doesn’t fit her personality that well, as when her aura was unlocked she would have been brimming with anger, which would influence her semblance. Though she may have been the type to blend into the background as a child, the change in her life is still momentous and therefore would affect what her semblance would be. Using this logic, she would have something that allows her to strike quickly and aggressively over something that allows her to sneak around.
It’s a decent semblance (if a bit bland) , but doesn’t mesh well with her personality that well at the moment.

Now for notes stuff:
Why does she need to clear her name? Did she do something bad? I would have thought it was more of a want to disassociate herself from the name than a need to clear it, due to the negative stuff tied to the name.
How is she going to go on in this team based roleplay? We have tried to specify that though strong and independent characters are welcome, we do still want team players, or at least characters that won’t automatically shut out the rest of their team. The way you have worded her personality, and the note, it sounds like she is the type to completely shut out her team. Perhaps a rewording here would be better.

Okay. Now; TL;DR

-Name is obscure, real name should tie in her appearance somehow, please specify how it ties to CNR.
-Too many faunus traits for a half-faunus (assuming faunus traits are recessive), please pick one. Also, no cold blooded Faunus(as core biology is mammalian).
-She is seriously underweight, please make her heavier.
-Background needs more detail. White Fang turned violent 6 years ago when she was 11, a Faunus married to a human wouldn’t stick around the White Fang after the regime changed. Dislike of name could come from father becoming a criminal and being arrested, dislike of White Fang could be for them promoting the discrimination against her for having a human mother.
-Weapon is decent (props to the full model) but too basic for a first year Hunter, as it would be mostly ineffective against Grimm, the Hunter’s main enemy. Upgrades are recommended.
-Semblance doesn’t fit her personality very well, and is slightly bland.
-Clarify why she needs to clear her name rather than simply wanting to disassociate with it.
-Clarify how she’s going to be a team player, as her personality makes it sound like she really isn’t at all.

Good start for a character, just some of the themes and details need tying together a bit better, and some fundamental flaws need reworking.