Syben

The Dust: Relaunch

@Darcs@Monochromatic Rainbow@bobert778@TheMadAsshatter@shotgun bear@clericbeast@sirbeowulf@lightning fast@Arcanaut@februari

I do take graphic manipulation requests. I'm kinda handy at editing hair color, eyes, adding objects, back grounds, etc. Really I'm willing to try any request you have, though it may not be immediately. It's kind of a past time hobby I do at times, which I'm about to do right now. Let's see.. whose CS can I do a graphic for.. hm... (also yes I am aware some of you know this already, but I told myself "tag everyone" and I had committed already.)

The Dust: Relaunch

@Aeonumbra

I don't want to be the asshole that butts into every discussion, but I'd like to point out the disconnect between @SimplyJohn's character's face claim and the nature of the setting. The image is vaguely reminiscent of a high fantasy battlemage, and I find it difficult to believe we'd find someone gallivanting about a post-apocalyptic wasteland in what resembles Daedric plate armor.

Just my two cents. Not trying to instigate trouble, of course; I'm telling it how I see it.

@clericbeast

Even though technically my word is the final judgement, player vs. player critiquing is perfectly fine as long as it's civil. If it boils down into a hate fueled internet pissing contest argument, well, that's a problem.

Nomad's Reference Picture

Daedric Armor

Not quite seeing the resemblance there, which is why I asked for a written description. Reference pictures are really to help paint the picture with the words, it doesn't quite have to be an exact fit. I understand that concern of how out of place it would seem, but it's not exactly high battlemage armor. It was stated somewhere that it was leather, and honestly the styled crafting of it isn't an issue. For example, I have a reference picture for my character's awakened state- which is technically a transformer, literally, from the movie. I'm just a little dandy at photo manipulation.

tl;dr I realize the ref. picture may not seem to aptly fit this setting, but honestly it's about the written description, which is why I asked for one, rather than the reference picture. As long as there is a semblance I can paint a proper picture with the two, in my own mind.

<Spongebob_Imagination.Gif> ... *lazy*

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The images are meant to go hand in hand with the bio, being that I drew them. I'm aware of the taboo and if you'd done a closer reading of the Appearance section, I think you'll find that it's part of her personality.

@Shotgun Bear

"Her taste in clothing is more due to necessity than it is personal taste"

@Shotgun Bear

I did. A part yes, but justified by necessity. Is the picture great? Yes. Is it practical and reasonable for this setting? Absolutely Not.

As for the great attractor ... lets just pose a newer, direct question. Are you intending for her to be able to manipulate gases, and solidify them? Can you justify how to use magnetism and magnetic fields to interact with them? I'm already inclined to say this doesn't quite fit in her power kit.

I'm not even sure how to apply bio-/magnetism to the spectral ness of the Spark, I would just say a small amendment to that part. Maybe while she was comatose a doctor set her bones?

That explanation pleases me, I feel creatively justified- she can keep it. I would even be inclined to allow this "magnetic pattern" state to work with her bones too, like.. maybe setting them perhaps-- still broken, but not horribly skewed or fragmented in odd places. Though in the abilities you should probably add something like "Magnetic Pattern" (since that's how we justify it) and use that explanation you just gave me.

Ah. K. Scarf is scarfy, got it. =3

I did emphasize 'creative freedom' in my interest check, but as with all things there are certain degrees of this. There is a degree of realism and believability you as a writer must convey. I can't even really justify a reason why the sun would affect her less. I do let characters slide with clothes in general, as I said, instead of being swaddled constantly. However, I can't justify lewdness for lewdness sake. We can compromise at a pair of pants, it'll let the upper half go without horribly burning her flesh with the mighty prowess of the sun.

Right, there's that no moon thing. That argument has been used against me before. You literally do not have the full picture, or scope, or plan of my world, so really, don't use my own lore against me. I am nice, I try to be lax in some areas, but my lore is my lore, and there are many things you do not know.

The hammer- still needs an apt description rather than a grocery list. Also, will all those pieces, I would be amazed if she could wield it effectively, also, rockets? I thought rockets explode around her?

Which brings up the question-- how do you intend to keep her from attracting every scrap of metal in <insert distance here>?

The Dust: Relaunch

@SimplyJohn Do keep in mind that I am abrasive-- I say things directly and without filter, I do not intend to be rude or dickish.

Now, lets begin.

Appearance

A reference picture is not a suitable replacement for a written description, please elaborate. IE: Is that teal colored cloth and leather, or fish skin? (You can keep the picture though, as they do help convey your idea.)

Gear

Those sealed water containers are unneeded, other than for drinking, you will see why in a moment- keep reading.

Abilities

These sections where not for generalized statements and assumptions for your character's powers and abilities, but rather a listing of her abilities. Please reference any other CS and stick to the proper formatting and information requested. Abilities do not refer to what she can do, though you can list it, but rather what is unique about what she can do. IE: Alex can turn a part of her body into electricity, Vladimira doesn't just manipulate metal, she molds it like clay. This area is to state your character's uniqueness.

"Able to draw water out of-" No. I said in the interest check that I would allow a water character, but only one that manifests, or generates what's needed, not one who manipulates pre-existing water. This only means that the generated water can only be manipulated by Nomad, but is also the only water that Nomad can manipulate. The plus side to this is it doesn't have to be blue. In fact I'd rather the coloration of her manifested water be even slightly different than normal water, even if it's a handful of hues darker or lighter, grint tinted, glowing, looks like mercury, whatever.

Reasons- There is a single large water line that spans through central Dust. She could easily end all life on the island. There is a second territory, but I cannot explain further, but manipulation of water would turn Nomad into a god.

Unlimited Ammunition is kind of like a half truth; reusing the same projectile is perfectly fine-- but that is continual power use and (affected by size / speed/velocity / number of projectiles / etc.) will wear on the heart constraint.

How is her speed enhanced? Or are you just implying she is quick / agile?

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@SirBeowulf I skimmed over your sheet again and I did not find anything that presently jumps out as downright wrong- perhaps a bit lackluster and a tad bland here and there- but that's not necessarily a fault.

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@SimplyJohn I like the alternative phrasing, no confusion there. It should still be amended though, as that is what I believe @Arcanaut was going for.

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@Shotgun Bear Do keep in mind that I am abrasive-- I say things directly and without filter, I do not intend to be rude or dickish.

Now, lets begin.

Appearance:

That reference picture is for the garb she wears yes? ... Because it's entirely ridiculous (not to sound harsh) for the kind of world we live it. I have a tendency to stray away from characters who don't wear pants, honestly. The stereotype guild rule, born before the fall, "No Mary Sues" means you should create a sensible character for the world you're in. It's a cool picture, yes, but inappropriate for a desert wasteland with the hot desert sun bearing down on you all day. I do have some leniency, meaning not everybody has to wrap up like a middle eastern dweller, but what you have is a bit much.

That physical disability I don't feel is justified, I mean, why? I remember skimming over your CS, and I'm sure I will get to this further down, as I read in stages between critiquing, and I remember something about the heat and friction making a lot of clothes unbearably hot. But, Technical Question, if her skin vibrates/resonates at a temperature hot enough to cauterize her skin would that not cook her clothes off very rapidly, let alone set them aflame? Also there is some slight differentiation on cauterization temperatures, like between a paper cut and a stump. I won't mention all the medical shit like large arteries being cauterized because the lax side of me doesn't care to get that technical.

Backstory

"She felt her bones move. She felt every splinter mesh and crack and force itself together" -- How? She's magnetic not kinetic, and I don't believe manipulating her own magnetic field, the small one generated by her body, the incredibly, utterly, tiny one, would produce this effect. I won't talk about the "heat" factor here, we'll get to that.

Gear

Chutney-- Nothing really wrong here, but I don't have a clearly "painted" picture of what it looks like, just what compromises it. Also.. what the fuck is it? Is it a car? A weapon? Charge time? what o.o?

Scarf: What foreign matter? Just dust in general, or is it supposed to keep her from attracting forks to her body, and etc?

Powers and Technical Questions
[Please be aware of the difference between Magnetism Manipulation, Bio-organic Magnetism, And Electromagnetism Manipulation.]

I don't understand the concept of "hot-freeze a cloud solid". Please elaborate.

She can pull non-magnetic objects using their ...magnetic field, to an object (with a strong magnetic field I assume). Doesn't quite make sense to me. I would stick to metals, ores, lodestones, and natural or metallic components, I'll discuss this more below; otherwise your character will become overly complicated to the point of being declined. Do keep in mind that things like glass, wood, or plastic will not be affected, but I'm sure you know that.

I believe Magnetism and "Frictional Force" are not exactly one in the same. You want her to be able to cauterize her wounds, by having this passive heat on her body constantly from what I assume is the disturbance of her phenomena affecting her own magnetic field, causing kinetic friction and enough heat to produce the intended effect. But, as above, Bio-organic magnetism is another thing entirely and would allow a very powerful control of organic things-- such as people-- such as crushing them into a ball, which I cannot allow, as the only real use of that is basically instant killing things or deadlocking them in a contest of will. However, I am not outright denying this power, I would like you to defend it and try to explain the why's and how's to make this seem reasonable.

I see the part now, about her own unstable magnetic field, which would indeed cause a degree of heat on the exterior of her body. Hot enough to cauterize wounds? ... and her eyes? Sear her tongue? And all the lovely other external fleshy bits? Also, having this heat passively present would be like continually cauterizing somebody's entire body, which would basically just eventually burn her away as she suffers a certain degree of burn damage, then cauterization, then burn damage-- basically burning alive very, very slowly. Also, did you just state she has a raging fire in her core?

"Fucking Magnets" are you saying that when she touches something that is affected by her magnetism, it will automatically tear itself apart? Why? Magnetism is just attraction, and with something as small as a gun it should just be strongly attracted to her hand, unless her own unstable field creates a torrential whirlpool of varying degrees of attraction in a very close proximity (physical contact) to which it would affect the gun in such a way as to tear it apart? Also, trying to magnetically attract something with a large mass, balanced against its resistance to velocity, she would probably tear it apart. But in all of this, because of the gun-factor, how can you justify her driving a car without it breaking apart?

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@Shotgun Bear Ah, I will do yours next then.

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@Arcanaut If you're going to take tips as somebody being dickish, then we're going to have a problem. Yes, I understand the point you were conveying, but I did not state you had to change it, and I was not rude about it. Do not mistake rudeness for a synonym of abrasiveness. I merely suggest wording it differently to provide a clearer understanding, without factually stating that- as it appears- in any given situation in a room full of people, regardless of other factors, he could fight his way out. It was a writing tip, not a dickish remark, chill.

"Muh Honor- While he isn't always challenging people these days, when Roland is directly challenged by another person he will refuse to back down no matter how bad the odds are. At other times his personal code may cause him to be needlessly reckless such as not using his powers to incapacitate someone, or, letting someone live when there's a chance they may comeback for revenge."

I think my confusion here was perhaps the lack of the red commas? The clarification I was looking for was the interpretation of his recklessness, because it is stating "such as not using his powers to incapacitate someone" which means that he does not use his powers to prohibit their ability to combat him, suggesting that he kills them and that murderous tendency is what is reckless about him. Then you go on to say "or (modifier: not--letting someone live when there's a chance they may comeback for revenge." which is modified by the previously stated, "not", as I placed in red there. Point being there is that it is reckless in some way because he does -not- let them live?

That was were my confusion was at there, that single little word just threw me off entirely. Because there is no comma to seperate the two independant clauses, the "or" builds a distinction between them, modified by the "not", implying that his recklessness was caused by "not" doing either of those actions. Commas are important bruh Q_Q

Also, thank you for your concern, I am quite well rested now.

The Dust: Relaunch

@Shotgun Bear Absolutely, as soon as I get to it. You're either first on the list, or next, I can't remember if there was a CS I need to read before yours. Please hang around a bit, if you can. =)