RPing help

[Delzmore]

Okay, so I was wondering if someone could help me with rping. I want some feedback (gimmie your harshest feedback, I want to get better. I am no baby lol) on my rping since I dunno how good my rping posts are.

Here is an example:
Austin was running through the forest when he heard several trees being torn from the roots behind him. He had a scared look because whatever was chasing him, wanted to kill him. Austin ran till he tripped over a vine which caused his leg to be stuck in the vines. He could see the monster coming closer, so he grabbed his knife before cutting the vines from his leg. Once they were cut, he hid behind a tree. The monster slowed down and looked around in the area before letting out a very loud high pitched scream. The monster looked like a cross between a hog and a very buff looking man. After the hog-man let out the scream, it left to see if it can find any other sort of food. Austin put his hand to his head and let out a very nervous sigh. He would wait there for a few seconds before pulling out his phone and dialing the number for the rescue team. "Hey, I can't talk for long but can you please, for the love of god, bring me back..I don't want to be here anymore..this place is not what it seems.." Austin said as his vision was starting to get blurry from how much stress he was under.
(All suggestions are welcome ^^ I also want to know what I need to work on)

[Pair of Hearts]

Upworthy:

Austere spelling.

Everyone likes posts which they don't have to decipher by jumping over typo hurdles or trippy keyboarding in order to comprehend the context. You keep doing what you do for this standard of spelling, sonny. //sheds tear of pride

Passable grammar.

The usage of 'would' is a bit off. While it's the past tense of "will [verb]", it makes the narration sound more hypothetical than absolute. It's more appropriate in use if you're allowing options for the other roleplayer to respond to, such as "If [other person] chose to open the middle door, they would be blasted with a torrent of rotten stench."

Aside from this, good job.

Good punctuation.

By good I mean closing dialogue in a suitable way. (A period/full-stop before a quotation mark.) It's a big thing for me - like pretty much everything else. Keep it up; we could always, always do with more of this.

Nitpick:

Vocabulary.

Not encouraging purple prose here. Just felt that using a few less-overused-but-quite-common words would invoke a more dramatic atmosphere, given the content.

Such as swapping out "scared" for 'frightened', 'terrified', or 'aghast' ... "stuck" for 'lodged', 'jammed', 'trapped' ...

In any case, the more you read and practise writing, the more easier you'll find to pick the right thesaurus that creates the mood you aim for in writing. Don't stress out.

Details.

You don't have to list out every stimuli or material, right down to tactile, but throwing in details for surrounding sounds (hasty footsteps), smell of air (earthy, and pungent with fear), texture of the ground (dry and solid, or loose and muddy), lighting of the environment, etc.

It helps make the read more intriguing and less mechanical, unless that is what you're aiming for.

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Edited for elaboration and ~colouring~ because I'm ridorkulous.

[Ellri]

Sometimes, it is also beneficial to only have one piece of dialogue per paragraph, though it it can be split in two for effect.

Our immediate impression was that the paragraph was a bit too dense, that it had nowhere near enough "air".

[Pair of Hearts]

Sometimes, it is also beneficial to only have one piece of dialogue per paragraph, though it it can be split in two for effect.

Our immediate impression was that the paragraph was a bit too dense, that it had nowhere near enough "air".

@Ellri

This. This. This.

I didn't want to point this out in case we just had different styles but take @Ellri's comment. It's good for a dramatic purpose, and gives time for digestion of info before we proceed to the next 'scene'.

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[NuttsnBolts]

Definitely needs more air and spacing. As a comparison grab a book and open up to a random page. You will see smaller paragraphs with a decent amount of detail (books also use a trick of indenting paragraphs in order to indicate it is the same scene and keep the page number to a minimum)

You are also repeating words, it doesn't always flow, and it sounds recipe like in it's structure.

Austin ran till he tripped over a vine which caused his leg to be stuck in the vines. He could see the monster coming closer, so he grabbed his knife before cutting the vines from his leg. Once they were cut, he hid behind a tree.

An example of this done differently and with more emotion could be this:

As Austin ran he felt the thick scrub latch onto his foot, pulling him down to the ground. His heart pounded as he knew he had minutes, seconds even, to escape this organic bear trap before he was discovered by the monster. He had to cut himself free and use the knife attatched to his belt, the very knife that he fumbled within his clammy hands.

Frantically Austin slashed and hacked, he sliced through the vines with a sense of earnest knowing that his life depended on it. He was free! Austin could feel the green tendrils release him, falling away and retreating back into the very earth they sprouted from.

With the beast coming closer, Austin could hear the heavy panting become louder and louder. He made a desperate dash, using a tree as a barrier between the two, hiding in the shadows of the very fauna that betrayed him moments earlier. There he waited, pressing his body against the rough bark, feeling the wood prick into his skin. The subtle pain of splinters was nothing compared to the nightmare he was experiencing.

Admiditly I have managed to lengthen the post by a large margin compared to the few sentences that you wrote, but for a scene like that you need to portray the emotion a lot more and cause your reader to feel scared, worried even about your characters.

Something I do sometimes is imagine how I would cope in a situation like that and try to her the heart rate going a bit. I can then take note of what my body is doing, how it's reacting and what I would do in that situation.

Also, when you write something like when he tripped, noticed how I switched it up and turned the vines into a secondary character. He still tripped, but it creates the illusion that even nature is playing against him.

[Pair of Hearts]

@NuttsnBolts

Personifying nature as the enemy's accomplice, eh? Good call.

[Delzmore]

Thank you all so much. I just need to learn to use your advise lol its gonna be hard.

[Mixtape Ghost N]

Another thing I've noticed is that the writing is a bit... robotic. Like, there isn't a lot of emotion in it. You could describe a bit more of your character thoughts to give the readers insight on how he feel, because right now it sounds like I'm reading a wikipedia article. lol

[Delzmore]

@Mr Allen J lol I suck at rping, what do you expect?

[Pair of Hearts]

I had high hopes for you until that retort happened.