This is a story I'm writing, but it's currently in development hell. I'm struggling to come up with more ideas for this. Please do not read if you are offended by excessive swearing and violence.
Seriously, don't man, just don't.
V READ THIS WARNING V
I'm sorry.
Seriously, don't man, just don't.
V READ THIS WARNING V
WARNING: DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED BY BLACK HUMOUR, EXCESSIVE SWEARING, SOME SEXUAL SCENES, EXTENSIVE GRAPHIC DETAIL, AND RECREATIONAL DRUG USE. STORY HAS BEEN MARKED MATURE. THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR GIVING YOU PERMANENT BRAIN DAMAGE.
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR GIVING YOU PERMANENT BRAIN DAMAGE.
Mountain 'Dew' Quickscope is a 17 year-old gamer who likes games. And weed. And has exceptional skill in 360 noscoping people off a bridge. Daniel 'Doritos' Blazeit is his best friend and is a 13 year-old trash talking gamer who claims to be an MLG player and says he slept with your mom every day. Together they go on adventures together in the crazy world of Mlgolia. When the two are chosen to fulfil a prophecy, their lives are changed forever. And by that I mean they get super MLG powers and all other crazy dank shit.
This is a retarded story I decided to write, with completely no planning and brainstorming. I just write what comes to mind. Are you havin' a giggle there, m8? Swear on me mum, I'll deck u.
This is a retarded story I decided to write, with completely no planning and brainstorming. I just write what comes to mind. Are you havin' a giggle there, m8? Swear on me mum, I'll deck u.
It was a pleasant afternoon. The sun was shining, birds were chirping and flowers were blooming. It was a perfect spring afternoon, and nothing could ruin it.
"SUUUUUUUUCK MY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!"
Except that.
Down below, in a small house on an ordinary looking neighbourhood which looked like one in 'MERICA, sat a boy.
"I'M NOT A BOY, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!"
Fine. In the house, sat a kid.
"I'M NOT A FUCKING KID EITHER, YOU SHITNUGGET!"
Goddammit! What the hell do you want then?
"I want to be called by my gamertag, MLGProfreakninja420!"
The hell, dude? That'll confuse the readers!
"THE WHO???"
You know, the giant people on the other side of the screen.
"Oh. WELL TELL THEM TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES!!" A hand then inserted itself out of a window in the house and pointed its middle finger up towards the sky.
What? I can't do that!
"YES YOU CAN!! DO IT NOW!"
Look, do you want me to continue the story or not?
"Fine."
Good. In a house in an ordinary looking neighbourhood, sat a 17-year-old highschooler. An empty box that read 'Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare' lay in front of him. He chugged down the contents of a bottle of Mtn. Dew and threw it behind his shoulder. He tossed a few triangles of Doritos into his mouth and let out a loud burp. He lay his greasy orange dust covered fingers on the thumbsticks of his Xbox 360 controller. His eyes were squinted in concentration as his eyeballs followed the movement on the TV screen in front of him. He saw an enemy in front of him, and pressed the trigger in front of him. He then heard the satisfying sound of a hitmarker as the enemy collapsed.
"Ha ha! Take that, n00b!" He shouted, and made his character spin in circles on top of the dead body. He was then goomba-stomped by another player who randomly showed up.
"FUCKING COCKSUCKER!" He screamed at the screen.
This kid was Mountain 'Dew' Quickscope, a pro MLG player. Or so he claimed. It was at that moment that another player joined the game.
"AWWW YEAH! x_XChaosslayser096X_x is here to bang your mom tonight!" A squeaky, obnoxious voice came through Mountain's headset.
That, of course, was Mountain's 13-year-old best friend, Daniel 'Doritos' Blazeit, an excessively annoying kid who hadn't reached puberty, and that kind who claim to have slept with your mom and seen boobs in real life.
"EYYYYY WADDUP HOMIE." Mountain said in a stereotypical black accent, welcoming his friend.
"Oh, I was made to clean up my room and do the dishes by my bitch ass mom again." Daniel said, casually.
"So what did you do, then?"
"Oh, I stole her phone and flushed it down the toilet."
"MAAAAN, that's some hardcore shit right there."
"Yeah."
After a few minutes, the game ended and Mountain's character levelled up to level 69.
"Awwwww yeah!" Mountain said, drinking another can of Mtn. Dew as he walked out the door of his house.
"Feels so good to be drinking myself!" He said, finishing up the can and earning strange looks from random bystanders.
He took a look around at the beautiful land of Mlgolia. It was a wonderful sight to behold. Weed plants were growing, the giant Dorito in the sky was shining, explosions filled the sky and the faint sound of Darude-Sandstorm was playing in the background.
Suddenly, in a bright flash of light and with the sound of an airhorn, Daniel appeared next to Mountain, because logic doesn't apply in Mlgolia.
"Hey man! I stole some beer from the liquor store! Want some?" He said, as he held out the six-pack of beer in offering.
"But man, aren't you like too young to drink?" Mountain asked.
Daniel gave him a soft push. "Fuck the age limit, this stuff is good!" He said as he opened a can of beer and stuffed the whole can down his throat...somehow. Mountain snatched another can of beer and drank it down in one gulp.
Another bright flash went off beside the two for seemingly no reason and an old man appeared. He then spoke in an accent that sounded like Dumbledore.
"You two are the ones the Prophecy told of. I need you to come with me."
"SUUUUUUUUCK MY DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!"
Except that.
Down below, in a small house on an ordinary looking neighbourhood which looked like one in 'MERICA, sat a boy.
"I'M NOT A BOY, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!"
Fine. In the house, sat a kid.
"I'M NOT A FUCKING KID EITHER, YOU SHITNUGGET!"
Goddammit! What the hell do you want then?
"I want to be called by my gamertag, MLGProfreakninja420!"
The hell, dude? That'll confuse the readers!
"THE WHO???"
You know, the giant people on the other side of the screen.
"Oh. WELL TELL THEM TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES!!" A hand then inserted itself out of a window in the house and pointed its middle finger up towards the sky.
What? I can't do that!
"YES YOU CAN!! DO IT NOW!"
Look, do you want me to continue the story or not?
"Fine."
Good. In a house in an ordinary looking neighbourhood, sat a 17-year-old highschooler. An empty box that read 'Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare' lay in front of him. He chugged down the contents of a bottle of Mtn. Dew and threw it behind his shoulder. He tossed a few triangles of Doritos into his mouth and let out a loud burp. He lay his greasy orange dust covered fingers on the thumbsticks of his Xbox 360 controller. His eyes were squinted in concentration as his eyeballs followed the movement on the TV screen in front of him. He saw an enemy in front of him, and pressed the trigger in front of him. He then heard the satisfying sound of a hitmarker as the enemy collapsed.
"Ha ha! Take that, n00b!" He shouted, and made his character spin in circles on top of the dead body. He was then goomba-stomped by another player who randomly showed up.
"FUCKING COCKSUCKER!" He screamed at the screen.
This kid was Mountain 'Dew' Quickscope, a pro MLG player. Or so he claimed. It was at that moment that another player joined the game.
"AWWW YEAH! x_XChaosslayser096X_x is here to bang your mom tonight!" A squeaky, obnoxious voice came through Mountain's headset.
That, of course, was Mountain's 13-year-old best friend, Daniel 'Doritos' Blazeit, an excessively annoying kid who hadn't reached puberty, and that kind who claim to have slept with your mom and seen boobs in real life.
"EYYYYY WADDUP HOMIE." Mountain said in a stereotypical black accent, welcoming his friend.
"Oh, I was made to clean up my room and do the dishes by my bitch ass mom again." Daniel said, casually.
"So what did you do, then?"
"Oh, I stole her phone and flushed it down the toilet."
"MAAAAN, that's some hardcore shit right there."
"Yeah."
After a few minutes, the game ended and Mountain's character levelled up to level 69.
"Awwwww yeah!" Mountain said, drinking another can of Mtn. Dew as he walked out the door of his house.
"Feels so good to be drinking myself!" He said, finishing up the can and earning strange looks from random bystanders.
He took a look around at the beautiful land of Mlgolia. It was a wonderful sight to behold. Weed plants were growing, the giant Dorito in the sky was shining, explosions filled the sky and the faint sound of Darude-Sandstorm was playing in the background.
Suddenly, in a bright flash of light and with the sound of an airhorn, Daniel appeared next to Mountain, because logic doesn't apply in Mlgolia.
"Hey man! I stole some beer from the liquor store! Want some?" He said, as he held out the six-pack of beer in offering.
"But man, aren't you like too young to drink?" Mountain asked.
Daniel gave him a soft push. "Fuck the age limit, this stuff is good!" He said as he opened a can of beer and stuffed the whole can down his throat...somehow. Mountain snatched another can of beer and drank it down in one gulp.
Another bright flash went off beside the two for seemingly no reason and an old man appeared. He then spoke in an accent that sounded like Dumbledore.
"You two are the ones the Prophecy told of. I need you to come with me."
"You two are the ones the Prophecy told of. I need you to come with me." The old man said.
In the few minutes (or like 5 seconds) that followed, no one spoke a word.
"WELL THEN, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU????" Daniel suddenly said, breaking the silence.
"Me?" The old man asked. "I am just a simple old man." The old man explained.
"Yeah, no shit." Mountain piped up sarcastically.
"Anyway, you two are the true heroes the Prophecy told off," The old man said.
"Whoaaaa, really? Like, what's our reward? A billion girlfriends and a million tons of weed?" Mountain hopefully asked
The old man then started humming.
"I will now tell you how it began"
He then put his hands in front of him and waved it around.
"Wowuwowuwuwuyuyu."
~Enter random flashback sequence~
In a temple, many years ago, a man knelt in front of everyone's lord and saviour, Gabe Newell.
"My lord, I bring you bad news." The man said.
Lord Gaben slowly turned to look at the man.
"Mortal, what is this bad news?" He asked.
The man could feel the bricks in his anus as he waited to tell Lord Gaben the news.
"My Lord, we have," The man gulped. "Lost the Banhammer." he finished.
Lord and Saviour Gaben glared at the man.
"WHAT???!!!" He bellowed straight into the man's face. "HOW CAN YOU LOSE SUCH A SACRED AND POWERFUL WEAPON????!!!!!!!"
The man whimpered. "My lord, it was taken by a powerful being. He was using speedhacks and he claimed to be an MLG player. He singlehandedly defeated whole legions of my Steam guardians. Their Mountain Dew cannons and Doritos shields had no effect on him. Even summoning the Illuminati had little effect. He defeated it in one hit by quickscoping it!"
Lord Gaben contemplated this.
"Have you heard of the Prophecy of the True MLG Players?" He asked the man. The man shook his head.
"Well then, General I will tell you the tale. One day, years from when this was written, two heroes will rise. One with the name of Mountain, and the other, Daniel. They are the true MLG players, and it is their destiny to bring down hackers, and save the network." Lord Gaben said. "I will trust you in finding them."
The man looked at him, with shock in his eyes. "But the date is unspecified! It may take years, decades or even centuries!" He shouted at Lord and Saviour and Stealer of Monies Gaben.
"Then you will find them, whatever the time. Until then, never return here." With that Lord and Saviour and Preventer of the number 3 Gaben used his steam powers and casted the man away in a tidal wave of monies.
"NOOOOOOOOOOooooooo..." The man's screaming became more distant as he kept on falling for like 1 million miles because The Holy Temple of Gaben is in space.
~End random flashback sequence~
"Wowoyayayayuyayu." The old man finished.
Mountain and Daniel stood there in stunned silence.
"Soooo then we're like heroes or some shit like that?" Daniel asked
"Yes." The old man answered.
"MAAAAAAN that's like, so dank." Mountain said.
"Yes, you are the heroes. The true MLG Heroes."
Mountain then remembered something. "Wait, Lord GabeN said never come back until you found us, and you're old as shit, so how old are you exactly?" He asked
"I'm 999 years old." The old man explained.
"Ok then."
"Are you two ready to be heroes?" The old man asked the two 'heroes'
"YES!" The two answered simultaneously.
"Then you will head out."
"Whoo Hoo! We're going on an adventure!" The two said and turned to leave.
"Wait"
The heroes stopped in their tracks and turned around.
"It's dangerous to go alone. Take this." The old man said as he took a chest out of his asshole. (Yes, you read that right.)
Mountain and Daniel opened the chest and received the Weapons of God: for Mountain it was a pro MW2 Intervention Sniper rifle, perfect for quickscoping, and for Daniel it was a KSG 12 shotgun from Black Ops 2 and a tomahawk.
"Whoa, this is some neat shit here!" Mountain said as he tested the rifle and pulled the trigger... shooting the old man in the face, killing him.
"Oh. Whoops."
"Dude! You just killed the old guy!" Daniel shouted at Mountain. Mountain simply shrugged.
"Eh. He was old and gross anyway."
In the few minutes (or like 5 seconds) that followed, no one spoke a word.
"WELL THEN, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU????" Daniel suddenly said, breaking the silence.
"Me?" The old man asked. "I am just a simple old man." The old man explained.
"Yeah, no shit." Mountain piped up sarcastically.
"Anyway, you two are the true heroes the Prophecy told off," The old man said.
"Whoaaaa, really? Like, what's our reward? A billion girlfriends and a million tons of weed?" Mountain hopefully asked
The old man then started humming.
"I will now tell you how it began"
He then put his hands in front of him and waved it around.
"Wowuwowuwuwuyuyu."
~Enter random flashback sequence~
In a temple, many years ago, a man knelt in front of everyone's lord and saviour, Gabe Newell.
"My lord, I bring you bad news." The man said.
Lord Gaben slowly turned to look at the man.
"Mortal, what is this bad news?" He asked.
The man could feel the bricks in his anus as he waited to tell Lord Gaben the news.
"My Lord, we have," The man gulped. "Lost the Banhammer." he finished.
Lord and Saviour Gaben glared at the man.
"WHAT???!!!" He bellowed straight into the man's face. "HOW CAN YOU LOSE SUCH A SACRED AND POWERFUL WEAPON????!!!!!!!"
The man whimpered. "My lord, it was taken by a powerful being. He was using speedhacks and he claimed to be an MLG player. He singlehandedly defeated whole legions of my Steam guardians. Their Mountain Dew cannons and Doritos shields had no effect on him. Even summoning the Illuminati had little effect. He defeated it in one hit by quickscoping it!"
Lord Gaben contemplated this.
"Have you heard of the Prophecy of the True MLG Players?" He asked the man. The man shook his head.
"Well then, General I will tell you the tale. One day, years from when this was written, two heroes will rise. One with the name of Mountain, and the other, Daniel. They are the true MLG players, and it is their destiny to bring down hackers, and save the network." Lord Gaben said. "I will trust you in finding them."
The man looked at him, with shock in his eyes. "But the date is unspecified! It may take years, decades or even centuries!" He shouted at Lord and Saviour and Stealer of Monies Gaben.
"Then you will find them, whatever the time. Until then, never return here." With that Lord and Saviour and Preventer of the number 3 Gaben used his steam powers and casted the man away in a tidal wave of monies.
"NOOOOOOOOOOooooooo..." The man's screaming became more distant as he kept on falling for like 1 million miles because The Holy Temple of Gaben is in space.
~End random flashback sequence~
"Wowoyayayayuyayu." The old man finished.
Mountain and Daniel stood there in stunned silence.
"Soooo then we're like heroes or some shit like that?" Daniel asked
"Yes." The old man answered.
"MAAAAAAN that's like, so dank." Mountain said.
"Yes, you are the heroes. The true MLG Heroes."
Mountain then remembered something. "Wait, Lord GabeN said never come back until you found us, and you're old as shit, so how old are you exactly?" He asked
"I'm 999 years old." The old man explained.
"Ok then."
"Are you two ready to be heroes?" The old man asked the two 'heroes'
"YES!" The two answered simultaneously.
"Then you will head out."
"Whoo Hoo! We're going on an adventure!" The two said and turned to leave.
"Wait"
The heroes stopped in their tracks and turned around.
"It's dangerous to go alone. Take this." The old man said as he took a chest out of his asshole. (Yes, you read that right.)
Mountain and Daniel opened the chest and received the Weapons of God: for Mountain it was a pro MW2 Intervention Sniper rifle, perfect for quickscoping, and for Daniel it was a KSG 12 shotgun from Black Ops 2 and a tomahawk.
"Whoa, this is some neat shit here!" Mountain said as he tested the rifle and pulled the trigger... shooting the old man in the face, killing him.
"Oh. Whoops."
"Dude! You just killed the old guy!" Daniel shouted at Mountain. Mountain simply shrugged.
"Eh. He was old and gross anyway."
Mountain and Daniel continued to look at the corpse of the old man.
"Sooo... What do we do now?" Mountain asked.
"I know! I leaned this from Halo!" Daniel replied as he walked up to the corpse. He then began repeatedly crouching on top of the head of the corpse. "AWWWWW YEAH" He moaned with pleasure.
Mountain watched with a disgusted expression. "DUDE WHAT THE FUCK THIS ISN'T HALO GET YOUR BALLS OUT OF HIS MOUTH!!!!" He yelled at Daniel.
Daniel immediately froze and looked at the lower portion of his body. Indeed, his pants were off and his admittedly small weiner was sticking out and it was wet with a sticky white fluid.
"Whoops. Must have ejaculated." He said casually, even though he probably could not do that because he hadn't reached puberty yet. I mean, he's FUCKING 13 YEARS OLD. Anyway, moving on.
"Like I said before you did your thing, WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO NAO????!!!!" Mountain asked his retarded best friend.
Daniel looked at him like someone would if they asked what the meaning of life was. Because Daniel knew the answer. The meaning of life is bacon. Simple as that.
"I know. We will have to find the One Ring and take it to the Death Star to destroy the Allspark, then go to Hogwarts and learn about magic, then open a portal to Narnia and board the giant alien mothership that's attacking Earth to defeat the Nazi army and kill Hitler, and finally slay the evil dragon Smaug." He replied.
Mountain gave him a look like he was crazy. Which he probably was. "...Wut?"
Daniel suddenly snapped out of his trans-like state, pulled out a piece of paper from his literal pocket dimension that he summoned using black magic of the legendary wizard, Snoop Dogg, and ran off. Having no other choice, Mountain ran after him.
"WE'RE GOING ON AN ADVENTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The two of them shouted.
And so, they ran off in the direction of the setting giant Dorito and went on many adventures together. They eventually found true love and died of old age. But they will always be remembered-
"HEY, ASSHOEL ANNOUNCER!!!!"
Sign. What the fuck do you want now?
"WE'RE DOWN HERE. CONTINUE TO NARRATE, YOU SHITBIRD!"
Oh Goddammit. Fine. The two heroes continued to run for about 3 hours without stopping somehow, passing by random objects like Mtn. Dew rockets and Wal-Marts that only sold Doritos and Mountain Dew, and random scenery like Cocaine Mountains and Meth waterfalls as Brodyquest played in the background. Suddenly, a thought came to Mountain.
"Hey, Daniel," He said, causing both of them to stop. "Where are we going again?"
Daniel looked as if he had shat himself. "Ohhhhhh schiet. I have no fucking idea."
"WHAAAAAAT?????!!!!!" Mountain bellowed. "I thought you had the map!" He said, pointing to the piece of paper in Daniel's hand.
"Oh this? Naw, I just summoned in the Contract of Bilbo Baggins. I thought it would look cool." He said, holding the paper up. Indeed, it was an old looking piece of paper with some kind of text on it.
"I fucking hate you. You know that, right?" Mountain said, facepalming. They looked around to see that they were in some sort of forest. A weed forest.
"Hmm. We must be in the Hundred Weedcre Woods." He said. The Hundred Weedcre Woods is the most beautiful forest in Mlgolia. Some say that Snoop Dogg himself planted the first weed plant while 420 blazing it. Others say that that it was the radiation caused when the Illuminati crashed to Earth after battling the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
"So... What do we do now?" Daniel asked dumbly. Mountain facepalmed again.
"We're surrounded by weed! What do you think we do?!" Daniel finally understood. The two of them then set fire to the forest and got high. Really, really, really high. Like Snoop Dogg high. It lasted until the next chapter, which will come out sometime this decade.
"Sooo... What do we do now?" Mountain asked.
"I know! I leaned this from Halo!" Daniel replied as he walked up to the corpse. He then began repeatedly crouching on top of the head of the corpse. "AWWWWW YEAH" He moaned with pleasure.
Mountain watched with a disgusted expression. "DUDE WHAT THE FUCK THIS ISN'T HALO GET YOUR BALLS OUT OF HIS MOUTH!!!!" He yelled at Daniel.
Daniel immediately froze and looked at the lower portion of his body. Indeed, his pants were off and his admittedly small weiner was sticking out and it was wet with a sticky white fluid.
"Whoops. Must have ejaculated." He said casually, even though he probably could not do that because he hadn't reached puberty yet. I mean, he's FUCKING 13 YEARS OLD. Anyway, moving on.
"Like I said before you did your thing, WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO NAO????!!!!" Mountain asked his retarded best friend.
Daniel looked at him like someone would if they asked what the meaning of life was. Because Daniel knew the answer. The meaning of life is bacon. Simple as that.
"I know. We will have to find the One Ring and take it to the Death Star to destroy the Allspark, then go to Hogwarts and learn about magic, then open a portal to Narnia and board the giant alien mothership that's attacking Earth to defeat the Nazi army and kill Hitler, and finally slay the evil dragon Smaug." He replied.
Mountain gave him a look like he was crazy. Which he probably was. "...Wut?"
Daniel suddenly snapped out of his trans-like state, pulled out a piece of paper from his literal pocket dimension that he summoned using black magic of the legendary wizard, Snoop Dogg, and ran off. Having no other choice, Mountain ran after him.
"WE'RE GOING ON AN ADVENTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The two of them shouted.
And so, they ran off in the direction of the setting giant Dorito and went on many adventures together. They eventually found true love and died of old age. But they will always be remembered-
"HEY, ASSHOEL ANNOUNCER!!!!"
Sign. What the fuck do you want now?
"WE'RE DOWN HERE. CONTINUE TO NARRATE, YOU SHITBIRD!"
Oh Goddammit. Fine. The two heroes continued to run for about 3 hours without stopping somehow, passing by random objects like Mtn. Dew rockets and Wal-Marts that only sold Doritos and Mountain Dew, and random scenery like Cocaine Mountains and Meth waterfalls as Brodyquest played in the background. Suddenly, a thought came to Mountain.
"Hey, Daniel," He said, causing both of them to stop. "Where are we going again?"
Daniel looked as if he had shat himself. "Ohhhhhh schiet. I have no fucking idea."
"WHAAAAAAT?????!!!!!" Mountain bellowed. "I thought you had the map!" He said, pointing to the piece of paper in Daniel's hand.
"Oh this? Naw, I just summoned in the Contract of Bilbo Baggins. I thought it would look cool." He said, holding the paper up. Indeed, it was an old looking piece of paper with some kind of text on it.
"I fucking hate you. You know that, right?" Mountain said, facepalming. They looked around to see that they were in some sort of forest. A weed forest.
"Hmm. We must be in the Hundred Weedcre Woods." He said. The Hundred Weedcre Woods is the most beautiful forest in Mlgolia. Some say that Snoop Dogg himself planted the first weed plant while 420 blazing it. Others say that that it was the radiation caused when the Illuminati crashed to Earth after battling the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
"So... What do we do now?" Daniel asked dumbly. Mountain facepalmed again.
"We're surrounded by weed! What do you think we do?!" Daniel finally understood. The two of them then set fire to the forest and got high. Really, really, really high. Like Snoop Dogg high. It lasted until the next chapter, which will come out sometime this decade.
"Well, that took a while." Mountain said, tossing a finished blunt over his shoulder. The blunt exploded behind him. In the time HostileIntentions AKA God had been gone, both Mountain and Daniel had smoked about half the entire weed plants in the Hundred Weedcre Woods, and had smoked 420 to the power of 69 blunts and joints. Now, their eyes were as red as period blood and smelled like homeless people.
All because fucking lazy HostileIntentions AKA God decided to take a break. Beside Mountain, Daniel puffed out a cloud of weed smoke and ate the finished blunt.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Hostile fucking Intentions actually had the nerve to start writing another book! Can you believe the nerve of some people? Seriously, he would rather abandon us, his most read book, with another he just started writing! That guy is a fucking assho- Hey, who are you? Why are you in my house? IS THAT A GUN?! OH GOD NOT IN THE FACE *BLAM*.
Ahem. HostileIntentions here, and I do apologise for taking so long to update. I must admit, I got bored writing this. But since this was my most read book, I decided to continue. As for the narrator... Well, I had to get rid of him. He was talking too much shit about me. But don't worry. I got a new one! Anyway, enjoy the story. Peace out!
"Hey, what just happened? Did Hostile just come in and shoot the narrator?" Mountain cried in disbelief. "Just fucking great. Now who's gonna narrate this story?"
I am. Said a voice from the sky which suspiciously sounded like Morgan Freeman AKA the Second God.
"What the fuck?! Are you Morgan Freeman?"
No. I am Morgan Expensiveman. Totally not Morgan Freeman said.
"Why aren't you using quotation marks to speak?"
Because I am the narrator. Not Morgan Freeman said. Seriously, I know it's fucking confusing like this, but look at all the fucks I give!
"Well okay then!" Daniel said in his usual stupid way. He then turned to Mountain. What we do nao????!!!!"
Daniel then noticed that his friend was sleeping even though he was wide awake and screaming like 5 seconds ago. Daniel facepalmed, and bitch slapped Mountain IN THE FACE.
"EYYY WHAT" The older hero yelled as he was jolted awake. "5 MOAR MINUTES MOM" Daniel then slapped him again. "YQGIYGIGIWGEGIWE" Mountain said, touching his red cheek. Daniel proceeded to look at Mountain dead in the eye. "So, WHAT DO WE DO NOW????"
Mountain put his hand to his chin, before a glowing bottle of Mtn. Dew appeared above his head. He snapped his fingers. "We have to go to Assgard."
Daniel looked at him, confused. "Don't you mean Asgard?"
"No. ASSgard. It's like regular Asgard, but all the gods up there are assholes."
All because fucking lazy HostileIntentions AKA God decided to take a break. Beside Mountain, Daniel puffed out a cloud of weed smoke and ate the finished blunt.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Hostile fucking Intentions actually had the nerve to start writing another book! Can you believe the nerve of some people? Seriously, he would rather abandon us, his most read book, with another he just started writing! That guy is a fucking assho- Hey, who are you? Why are you in my house? IS THAT A GUN?! OH GOD NOT IN THE FACE *BLAM*.
Ahem. HostileIntentions here, and I do apologise for taking so long to update. I must admit, I got bored writing this. But since this was my most read book, I decided to continue. As for the narrator... Well, I had to get rid of him. He was talking too much shit about me. But don't worry. I got a new one! Anyway, enjoy the story. Peace out!
"Hey, what just happened? Did Hostile just come in and shoot the narrator?" Mountain cried in disbelief. "Just fucking great. Now who's gonna narrate this story?"
I am. Said a voice from the sky which suspiciously sounded like Morgan Freeman AKA the Second God.
"What the fuck?! Are you Morgan Freeman?"
No. I am Morgan Expensiveman. Totally not Morgan Freeman said.
"Why aren't you using quotation marks to speak?"
Because I am the narrator. Not Morgan Freeman said. Seriously, I know it's fucking confusing like this, but look at all the fucks I give!
"Well okay then!" Daniel said in his usual stupid way. He then turned to Mountain. What we do nao????!!!!"
Daniel then noticed that his friend was sleeping even though he was wide awake and screaming like 5 seconds ago. Daniel facepalmed, and bitch slapped Mountain IN THE FACE.
"EYYY WHAT" The older hero yelled as he was jolted awake. "5 MOAR MINUTES MOM" Daniel then slapped him again. "YQGIYGIGIWGEGIWE" Mountain said, touching his red cheek. Daniel proceeded to look at Mountain dead in the eye. "So, WHAT DO WE DO NOW????"
Mountain put his hand to his chin, before a glowing bottle of Mtn. Dew appeared above his head. He snapped his fingers. "We have to go to Assgard."
Daniel looked at him, confused. "Don't you mean Asgard?"
"No. ASSgard. It's like regular Asgard, but all the gods up there are assholes."
Daniel stared at Mountain for what felt like an eternity (actually 5 seconds). "So... why do we want to go there again?" He asked. His older 'friend' stared back at him with an angry expression. "To kill that asshole Thor, of course!"
Daniel blinked, and scratched the back of his head like a retard. "Why do we want to kill the god of thunder?" Mountain sighed. "Because he's a fucking asshole!" He shouted, turning towards the sea of weed in front of him. "Look, why can't you understand the basics? Your brain is as small as your dick!" He said, and Daniel cringed slightly. "It's Thor's fault. He brought these crappy 'new age' musical artists to the world! Justin Bieber, Rebecca Black, Kanye West, all bullshit. He took away guys like David Bowie, Michael Jackson and all those other gods!" Mountain sat down.
"So we go up there and kill that son of a motherfucking cocaine snorting bitch ass dog humping giraffe neck baboon ass jellyfish dick chimpanzee Adolf Hitler's wife's baby daughter's pet ant." He said, while Daniel continued to stand behind him. "Oh okay." He said, drawing his shotgun. "So how do we get there?" He asked. Mountain suddenly sprang to his feet.
"Like this!" He said, taking an egg out of nowhere and smashing it at his feet.
Meanwhile in Australia
Howtobasic ran around his house completely naked, while he held a camera in his mouth and recorded himself beating a fish with a sausage. He suddenly howled, and tossed the fish at a random passing car outside, which exploded into a nuclear fireball. He was getting carried away. He needed to teach people how to be MLG. With a determined shout, he opened a bag of Doritos and spilled all of its contents all over the floor. He then took out a carton of eggs from his pants (even though he was naked), and counted them. He needed all twelve of them, when he realised he was missing all of them. He gave an angry howl, before throwing the carton at the spilled tortilla triangles.
Back to the point
The two 'heroes' teleported in a flash of light, while an omelette spontaneously appeared in front of them. Immediately, they noticed some old guy sitting on a marble throne wearing an olive branch crown. Plus, he was wearing some Greek clothing. So he was probably really gay.
"WHO ARE YOU????????" He said, summoning a thunderbolt.
"We're looking for Thor!" Mountain called back
The man looked confused, before realising. "I THINK YOU'RE LOOKING FOR ASGARD. THIS IS MOUNT OLYMPUS AND I'M ZEUS, DUMBASSES! GREEK!"
"Oh." Mountain said, before proceeding to quickscope Zeus in the face. He exploded into rain.
"NOOOOO YOU KILLED MAI FATHAR!" Another voice came from behind Mountain and Daniel. They turned around, and saw some other guy dressed in elaborate bronze armour.
"Who the fuck are you?" Mountain asked. The guy looked at them with a prideful expression. "Me? My name is Hercules, the gayest god with the strongest penis-" He didn't get to finish, as he as noscoped by Mountain, the .50 caliber round taking his head clean off.
"Well, that was random." Daniel said. Mountain simply nodded, and threw another egg at his feet. They suddenly teleported to a building overlooking weird-ass city looking exactly like the one from that Marvel movie. "Right, time to look for that asshole." Mountain said, walking through the halls, when they met some lady in shiny armour.
"Hey you! Stop there!" She said. Mountain sighed. "Ugh... Who are you?" He said.
The lady seemed really offended by that. "I am Sif. I am no monster. I am sometimes dangerous, but only toward those who are deserving." Mountain gave her a 'are you fucking serious' look, before raising his rifle.
"Yeah, nah. You're a shit cunt." He said in an Australian accent before quickscoping her in the boobs. She immediately died like a little bitch. "So now we keep moving." He said, taking out a can of Mountain Dew. He popped it open, and was about to take a sip when a hammer suddenly bashed it away. He threw away the remains and reloaded his Intervention. "Alright, who did that?" He asked.
"I did." A voice said, and suddenly Chris Hemsworth the Thor dropped from the ceiling, his red cape flowing majestically even though there was no wind. Yeah, fuck physics.
"Alright, you motherfucker. You've been giving the world too many crappy musical artists. It's now time to pay the price... OF 53 MILLION DOLLARS!" Mountain shouted, firing a few shots from his rifle. Thor immediately exploded them with some lightning, and tossed Mjolnir that was actually made up of a thousand compressed Nokias. It hit Mountain, sending him through a random window.
"OH GAWWWWD!" He screamed, tossing an egg. He teleported back to the hall. "KANYE WEST!" He shouted and smacked Thor across the face with the butt of his rifle. The god was knocked back, before spinning his hammer. Meanwhile, Daniel stylishly pulled out his tomahawk, and tossed it at Thor. His eyes widened, and he took the sharp end to his chest. He coughed and spluttered, before Mountain stepped on his wound, causing him to cough out 1 million gallons of blud.
"Time to dai!!!11!11!!!eleven!" Mountain taunted, stuffing a Mtn. Dew grenade down Thor's throat. Mountain and Daniel then ran behind a pillar like little pussies when the can exploded, sending the sweet stuff mixed with blud and body parts all over the place. "Whoo!" The heroes cheered and high fived.
On that day, a miracle happened. Terrible 'singers' like Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj and Kanye West suddenly disappeared from the face of the Earth.
Daniel blinked, and scratched the back of his head like a retard. "Why do we want to kill the god of thunder?" Mountain sighed. "Because he's a fucking asshole!" He shouted, turning towards the sea of weed in front of him. "Look, why can't you understand the basics? Your brain is as small as your dick!" He said, and Daniel cringed slightly. "It's Thor's fault. He brought these crappy 'new age' musical artists to the world! Justin Bieber, Rebecca Black, Kanye West, all bullshit. He took away guys like David Bowie, Michael Jackson and all those other gods!" Mountain sat down.
"So we go up there and kill that son of a motherfucking cocaine snorting bitch ass dog humping giraffe neck baboon ass jellyfish dick chimpanzee Adolf Hitler's wife's baby daughter's pet ant." He said, while Daniel continued to stand behind him. "Oh okay." He said, drawing his shotgun. "So how do we get there?" He asked. Mountain suddenly sprang to his feet.
"Like this!" He said, taking an egg out of nowhere and smashing it at his feet.
Meanwhile in Australia
Howtobasic ran around his house completely naked, while he held a camera in his mouth and recorded himself beating a fish with a sausage. He suddenly howled, and tossed the fish at a random passing car outside, which exploded into a nuclear fireball. He was getting carried away. He needed to teach people how to be MLG. With a determined shout, he opened a bag of Doritos and spilled all of its contents all over the floor. He then took out a carton of eggs from his pants (even though he was naked), and counted them. He needed all twelve of them, when he realised he was missing all of them. He gave an angry howl, before throwing the carton at the spilled tortilla triangles.
Back to the point
The two 'heroes' teleported in a flash of light, while an omelette spontaneously appeared in front of them. Immediately, they noticed some old guy sitting on a marble throne wearing an olive branch crown. Plus, he was wearing some Greek clothing. So he was probably really gay.
"WHO ARE YOU????????" He said, summoning a thunderbolt.
"We're looking for Thor!" Mountain called back
The man looked confused, before realising. "I THINK YOU'RE LOOKING FOR ASGARD. THIS IS MOUNT OLYMPUS AND I'M ZEUS, DUMBASSES! GREEK!"
"Oh." Mountain said, before proceeding to quickscope Zeus in the face. He exploded into rain.
"NOOOOO YOU KILLED MAI FATHAR!" Another voice came from behind Mountain and Daniel. They turned around, and saw some other guy dressed in elaborate bronze armour.
"Who the fuck are you?" Mountain asked. The guy looked at them with a prideful expression. "Me? My name is Hercules, the gayest god with the strongest penis-" He didn't get to finish, as he as noscoped by Mountain, the .50 caliber round taking his head clean off.
"Well, that was random." Daniel said. Mountain simply nodded, and threw another egg at his feet. They suddenly teleported to a building overlooking weird-ass city looking exactly like the one from that Marvel movie. "Right, time to look for that asshole." Mountain said, walking through the halls, when they met some lady in shiny armour.
"Hey you! Stop there!" She said. Mountain sighed. "Ugh... Who are you?" He said.
The lady seemed really offended by that. "I am Sif. I am no monster. I am sometimes dangerous, but only toward those who are deserving." Mountain gave her a 'are you fucking serious' look, before raising his rifle.
"Yeah, nah. You're a shit cunt." He said in an Australian accent before quickscoping her in the boobs. She immediately died like a little bitch. "So now we keep moving." He said, taking out a can of Mountain Dew. He popped it open, and was about to take a sip when a hammer suddenly bashed it away. He threw away the remains and reloaded his Intervention. "Alright, who did that?" He asked.
"I did." A voice said, and suddenly Chris Hemsworth the Thor dropped from the ceiling, his red cape flowing majestically even though there was no wind. Yeah, fuck physics.
"Alright, you motherfucker. You've been giving the world too many crappy musical artists. It's now time to pay the price... OF 53 MILLION DOLLARS!" Mountain shouted, firing a few shots from his rifle. Thor immediately exploded them with some lightning, and tossed Mjolnir that was actually made up of a thousand compressed Nokias. It hit Mountain, sending him through a random window.
"OH GAWWWWD!" He screamed, tossing an egg. He teleported back to the hall. "KANYE WEST!" He shouted and smacked Thor across the face with the butt of his rifle. The god was knocked back, before spinning his hammer. Meanwhile, Daniel stylishly pulled out his tomahawk, and tossed it at Thor. His eyes widened, and he took the sharp end to his chest. He coughed and spluttered, before Mountain stepped on his wound, causing him to cough out 1 million gallons of blud.
"Time to dai!!!11!11!!!eleven!" Mountain taunted, stuffing a Mtn. Dew grenade down Thor's throat. Mountain and Daniel then ran behind a pillar like little pussies when the can exploded, sending the sweet stuff mixed with blud and body parts all over the place. "Whoo!" The heroes cheered and high fived.
On that day, a miracle happened. Terrible 'singers' like Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj and Kanye West suddenly disappeared from the face of the Earth.
"Dude, did you hear?" Daniel said, turning to Mountain who was busy looting the corpse of Thor. He faced his palm towards him, not looking back. "Not now, assface. I'm looting." Mountain said, somehow pulling out an entire treasure chest filled with gold out of the dead god's open chest cavity. He inspected it for a few seconds, before nodding appreciatively. "Dank shit. I'll be rich!" He said, pocketing the chest. (Game logic)
Daniel rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I heard some black dude who lives here knows everything!" He informed, causing Mountain to turn and face the younger kid. "Wait, everything?" He asked, looking slightly uncomfortable. Daniel nodded eagerly. "Hell yes, man! Oh man, I'm gonna get all the big booty bitches in town!" He cried, almost drooling with excitement. "Yeah, ohh yeah. All the weed and all the coke and all the-"
As the idiotic sqeaker rambled on about weed, cocaine and McDonald's for some reason, Mountain began to sweat uncontrollably. He could feel the sweat rolling down his pubic hairs. "The fuck, man? Uh, does he know what I y'know, did on my PC? Because I totally did not search 'cute asian chicks with really big guys'" (I fucking did not search that. It was a comment on 9GAG, just so you know)
Daniel immediately turned his head a full 180 degrees and stared at Mountain. "No time to lose! TO THE MLGMOBILE!"
"The what?"
"WHOO!" The younger hero cried, and grabbed Mountain's hand as their faces suddenly came careening towards the sky while the background spun around and a short bit of superhero music transition played for no reason other than the sake of entertainment. Then they found themselves in Mr. Bean's green and black Mini Cooper, with Daniel behind the wheel and Mountain next to him. The MLG logo was crudely spray-painted across a door. Of course, it wasn't just a Mini Cooper, even though it belonged to the legendary assassin, but it was the Mlgmobile. The Mini Cooper tricked out with two miniguns on each side, a missile launcher mounted on the hood, and a Mountain Dew cannon on top, which shot Mountain Dew. The vehicle was somehow already moving and they were on a street that looked like New York.
"Holy shit!" Mountain exclaimed, fastening his seatbelt as Daniel pushed down the gas, hard. A stream of money came out the exhaust. "Where is we are going?!?!?!?!"
"To kill the black dude, of course!" He yelled back, over the sound of exploding cars that spontaneously appeared just to explode as he swerved through the fireballs. He depressed a random button on the dashboard, and the miniguns opened fire on a random helicopter that also exploded for no reason. "Oh, dang!" Daniel cursed as sirens were heard from behind the vehicle, and a pair of crappy, white American police cruisers appeared. The officers inside the vehicles began to fire on the Mlgmobile with their shitty 9mm pistols with stormtrooper accuracy.
"Holey ballsacks!" Mountain said, as a bullet whizzed by, around ten feet away. "This is shit! Just like having four stars in GTA!" And then, he pulled out his Intervention from its holstered position behind his back. He leaned out the window and took aim. "Fuck you, coppas!" He pulled the trigger, and a .408 Chey Tac bullet flew out at a million miles per hour. The moment it touched one of the cruisers, the policemen inside immediately exploded into flames, as did the others in the second car. The cruisers then veered off the road into the surrounding buildings and exploded.
Suddenly, a tank burst out of a garage in front of the Mlgmobile. It moved its turret to aim at the car, and fired. The SABOT shell detonated under the belly of the car, causing it to fly into the air, do a backflip, and land on its wheels, perfectly fine. Daniel opened up a compartment that appeared to contain nothing but a big red button. "Time to activate some DIABETES!!!" He then proceeded to smash his fist into the button. The Mountain Dew cannon mounted to the top of the Mlgmobile activated, and a laser targeting sight homed in onto the tank. The cannon proceeded to unleash a jet of the green-yellow liquid onto the armoured vehicle, drenching it.
At first, nothing happened. Then the tank started expanding, like an American becoming obese. Now, it looked like a green balloon. It then popped like one, exploding into another massive fireball. Mountain turned to Daniel with an inquisitive look on his face. "Say, Daniel, when did you learn to drive."
Daniel seemed to freeze for a second. "Lol. I didn't." He laughed, taking his hands off the steering wheel. The two heroes shared a laugh, before the younger one snapped back to reality. "Oh, shit. I don't know how to drive. JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!" Daniel immediately began to scream, as did Mountain. They hugged each other, still screaming as the Mlgmobile lifted off the ground and flew into the clouds for some reason.
Several minutes of screaming later, the car somehow crashed through a golden wall. Daniel was the first one to get out, blowing his door open with his KSG. He calmly walked out, looking back when his partner didn't. Going back to the smoking car, he discovered Mountain's body slumped against the seat, his head gone, and blood was spurting from his neck like a fountain.
"Aw, crap." Daniel muttered, pulling out an NES controller. He aimed it at the body and tapped a simple code, muttering as he did. "A, B, B, A." A flash of light suddenly enveloped the corpse, and Mountain reappeared, perfectly fine minus some probable brain damage. "Huh? What?" The previously-dead teen slurred as he stumbled out the car, which disintegrated behind him. "Oh, man. I died again, right?"
Daniel nodded. "Yep." He confirmed, walking around the place. "Dude. This is trippy. And gay." He said, stepping onto a bridge made of rainbows. "That's the last time I'm taking LSD." He looked around, walked around, before coming to a large golden area. "Hallooo?" He called out. Some black dude wearing golden armour appeared before them him and Mountain. "Whoa! Chill, man." Daniel said.
The black dude simply stood there, with his gigantic sword out. (Double entendres for the win). "Never before has an intruder slipped past me. I want to know how." He said with a British accent.
Mountain shrugged. "Maybe because we're fucking awesome? Look, we just want to find out where this hacker guy is, kick his ass, and come home for the bacon."
"I can take you there." The black guy said, and some weird object next to the three started spinning. "Well, okay then." Mountain nonchalantly said, and suddenly, he and Daniel were surrounded by a beam of light. They were flung halfway across the galaxy at the speed of light times infinity, before landing on what appeared to be a floating platform constructed out of weed, Doritos, cocaine, meth, dollar bills, and brick. "WHOO!" Daniel cheered, looking at the strange pattern burned into the ground. "We should do that again some time."
But Mountain didn't get to reply, as a voice even more annoying than Daniel's rang out. "WHAT'RE YOU DOING IN MY DIMENSION??!!!" The heroes looked up, and saw a guy sitting upon a throne made up of games.
"WHO THE FUCK IS U???!!!!!" Mountain yelled back, pulling out his sniper rifle.
The guy laughed. "I. AM. XxXPu55ySlay3rXxX. I am the destroyer of networks!!!!!!"
Daniel rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I heard some black dude who lives here knows everything!" He informed, causing Mountain to turn and face the younger kid. "Wait, everything?" He asked, looking slightly uncomfortable. Daniel nodded eagerly. "Hell yes, man! Oh man, I'm gonna get all the big booty bitches in town!" He cried, almost drooling with excitement. "Yeah, ohh yeah. All the weed and all the coke and all the-"
As the idiotic sqeaker rambled on about weed, cocaine and McDonald's for some reason, Mountain began to sweat uncontrollably. He could feel the sweat rolling down his pubic hairs. "The fuck, man? Uh, does he know what I y'know, did on my PC? Because I totally did not search 'cute asian chicks with really big guys'" (I fucking did not search that. It was a comment on 9GAG, just so you know)
Daniel immediately turned his head a full 180 degrees and stared at Mountain. "No time to lose! TO THE MLGMOBILE!"
"The what?"
"WHOO!" The younger hero cried, and grabbed Mountain's hand as their faces suddenly came careening towards the sky while the background spun around and a short bit of superhero music transition played for no reason other than the sake of entertainment. Then they found themselves in Mr. Bean's green and black Mini Cooper, with Daniel behind the wheel and Mountain next to him. The MLG logo was crudely spray-painted across a door. Of course, it wasn't just a Mini Cooper, even though it belonged to the legendary assassin, but it was the Mlgmobile. The Mini Cooper tricked out with two miniguns on each side, a missile launcher mounted on the hood, and a Mountain Dew cannon on top, which shot Mountain Dew. The vehicle was somehow already moving and they were on a street that looked like New York.
"Holy shit!" Mountain exclaimed, fastening his seatbelt as Daniel pushed down the gas, hard. A stream of money came out the exhaust. "Where is we are going?!?!?!?!"
"To kill the black dude, of course!" He yelled back, over the sound of exploding cars that spontaneously appeared just to explode as he swerved through the fireballs. He depressed a random button on the dashboard, and the miniguns opened fire on a random helicopter that also exploded for no reason. "Oh, dang!" Daniel cursed as sirens were heard from behind the vehicle, and a pair of crappy, white American police cruisers appeared. The officers inside the vehicles began to fire on the Mlgmobile with their shitty 9mm pistols with stormtrooper accuracy.
"Holey ballsacks!" Mountain said, as a bullet whizzed by, around ten feet away. "This is shit! Just like having four stars in GTA!" And then, he pulled out his Intervention from its holstered position behind his back. He leaned out the window and took aim. "Fuck you, coppas!" He pulled the trigger, and a .408 Chey Tac bullet flew out at a million miles per hour. The moment it touched one of the cruisers, the policemen inside immediately exploded into flames, as did the others in the second car. The cruisers then veered off the road into the surrounding buildings and exploded.
Suddenly, a tank burst out of a garage in front of the Mlgmobile. It moved its turret to aim at the car, and fired. The SABOT shell detonated under the belly of the car, causing it to fly into the air, do a backflip, and land on its wheels, perfectly fine. Daniel opened up a compartment that appeared to contain nothing but a big red button. "Time to activate some DIABETES!!!" He then proceeded to smash his fist into the button. The Mountain Dew cannon mounted to the top of the Mlgmobile activated, and a laser targeting sight homed in onto the tank. The cannon proceeded to unleash a jet of the green-yellow liquid onto the armoured vehicle, drenching it.
At first, nothing happened. Then the tank started expanding, like an American becoming obese. Now, it looked like a green balloon. It then popped like one, exploding into another massive fireball. Mountain turned to Daniel with an inquisitive look on his face. "Say, Daniel, when did you learn to drive."
Daniel seemed to freeze for a second. "Lol. I didn't." He laughed, taking his hands off the steering wheel. The two heroes shared a laugh, before the younger one snapped back to reality. "Oh, shit. I don't know how to drive. JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!" Daniel immediately began to scream, as did Mountain. They hugged each other, still screaming as the Mlgmobile lifted off the ground and flew into the clouds for some reason.
Several minutes of screaming later, the car somehow crashed through a golden wall. Daniel was the first one to get out, blowing his door open with his KSG. He calmly walked out, looking back when his partner didn't. Going back to the smoking car, he discovered Mountain's body slumped against the seat, his head gone, and blood was spurting from his neck like a fountain.
"Aw, crap." Daniel muttered, pulling out an NES controller. He aimed it at the body and tapped a simple code, muttering as he did. "A, B, B, A." A flash of light suddenly enveloped the corpse, and Mountain reappeared, perfectly fine minus some probable brain damage. "Huh? What?" The previously-dead teen slurred as he stumbled out the car, which disintegrated behind him. "Oh, man. I died again, right?"
Daniel nodded. "Yep." He confirmed, walking around the place. "Dude. This is trippy. And gay." He said, stepping onto a bridge made of rainbows. "That's the last time I'm taking LSD." He looked around, walked around, before coming to a large golden area. "Hallooo?" He called out. Some black dude wearing golden armour appeared before them him and Mountain. "Whoa! Chill, man." Daniel said.
The black dude simply stood there, with his gigantic sword out. (Double entendres for the win). "Never before has an intruder slipped past me. I want to know how." He said with a British accent.
Mountain shrugged. "Maybe because we're fucking awesome? Look, we just want to find out where this hacker guy is, kick his ass, and come home for the bacon."
"I can take you there." The black guy said, and some weird object next to the three started spinning. "Well, okay then." Mountain nonchalantly said, and suddenly, he and Daniel were surrounded by a beam of light. They were flung halfway across the galaxy at the speed of light times infinity, before landing on what appeared to be a floating platform constructed out of weed, Doritos, cocaine, meth, dollar bills, and brick. "WHOO!" Daniel cheered, looking at the strange pattern burned into the ground. "We should do that again some time."
But Mountain didn't get to reply, as a voice even more annoying than Daniel's rang out. "WHAT'RE YOU DOING IN MY DIMENSION??!!!" The heroes looked up, and saw a guy sitting upon a throne made up of games.
"WHO THE FUCK IS U???!!!!!" Mountain yelled back, pulling out his sniper rifle.
The guy laughed. "I. AM. XxXPu55ySlay3rXxX. I am the destroyer of networks!!!!!!"
"I. AM. XxXPu55ySlay3rXxX. I am the destroyer of networks!" The guy continued laughing in a distorted but still incredibly annoying voice. XxXPu55ySlay3rXxX was garbed in armour made out of several cardboard Mountain Dew six packs. His eyes were covered by 8-bit hipster shades, concealing his bloodshot eyes from blazing it. On his head rested the Golden Fedora, basically the MLG version of an angel's halo. He stood up, his throne of games falling apart and exploding behind him as he slowly walked away while 'Cool Guys Don't Look At Explosions' by The Lonely Island played in the background.
"AND YOU WILL PAY FOR ENTERING MY DIMENSION OF AWESOMENESS FAGETS!!!" And with that, he lunged forwards, drawing the legendary hammer of justice (which he stole), the Banhammer. Mountain barely had time to react and was smashed into a wall which rose from the floor. Next, he turned to Daniel, who took out his own tomahawk. Smirking, Pussyslayer turned towards him and charged at him, smashing the Banhammer into Daniel's tomahawk. The Banhammer, which looked and functioned suspiciously similar to Halo's gravity hammer, sent out a massive shockwave, sending Daniel flying into another random wall.
Pussyslayer laughed at the noobs' pathetic attempts to hurt him, when he was hardscoped by Mountain. The Destroyer of Networks and Slayer of Pussies angrily turned around and took out his ACR, the most fucking overpowered assault rifle in CoD, and fired at Mountain. The heroic quickscoper immediately dodged the bullets by doing a butterfly flip. He landed in a pile of random gaming props, and reached in. He rummaged around for a bit, before pulling out a diamond sword.
"MOTHERFUKA GO DAI!!!" The quickscoper cried and lunged at the Destroyer of Networks. Mountain slashed and sliced several times, but each one did not produce a legit hitmarker, and instead passed through Pussyslayer. "WTF OMG U HAX!" Mountain accused his opponent, who was standing in the same spot and cackling wildly. "lol fgt i fucked ur mum" Pussyslayer taunted, causing Mountain to suddenly clutch his sword tighter than an overly-attached girlfriend and go redder than period blood with rage.
No one, no one, fucked his mum but him! "BITCH ASS NIGGA!!!" Mountain roared, delivering a good solid kick to Pussyslayers testicles. Pussyslayer's shades immediately cracked into twenty octodecillion particles, and he let loose a scream high enough to shatter Mountain's sword. The kick was hard enough to send him flying through the air. Not wasting any time, Mountain leapt through the air as he defied physics like in any old Bollywood movie. In the middle of his jump, he pulled out his Intervention and spun a full 360 degrees, and fired. The .408 bullet flew through the air and hit Pussyslayer in his stomach, piercing it and causing a fountain of Mountain Dew and liquefied Doritos to spray out.
The force of the bullet also caused Pussyslayer to smash into the ground, his body going into ragdoll physics as he bounced around. After several minutes of this, he slowly got up, somehow sporting another pair of 8-bit shades. "oi u fukin fgt ill deck u m8" He said, taking out a pair of UMP45s. He immediately began to fire at Mountain, before taking fire from behind. "wtf hax noob" The Network Destroyer swung around, and immediately took some buckshot to the face, courtesy of Daniel, who had been sneaking around like a little pussy. "Bitch you die!" Daniel yelled his battle cry, charging directly into the stunned Pussyslayer and tackling him to the floor. He immediately took out his tomahawk and began to hack away at Pussyslayer's face. Unfortunately, the hacker had speedhacks, allowing him to effortlessly dodge Daniel's attacks. "lol bitch u suck balls imma chill lol"
Daniel's face scrunched up in anger, and he twirled his tomahawk around with his fingers, before driving it into Pussyslayer's crotch. Pussyslayer's glasses broke again as he was somehow rocketed away from Daniel, screaming all the way. "Fuk u scrub u suck." The younger hero raised his middle finger. Pussyslayer then felt the effects of gravity, and he fell towards the ground. Just before he hit the ground, however, he was impaled by a waiting Mountain. "Lol didn't see that coming m8." The older hero said, pulling his sword out and kicking him away.
The Network Destroyer groaned as he skidded across the floor, leaving a trail of blud in his wake. Punching the ground in frustration, he stood up and growled. "YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!" He screamed, angrily smashing the Banhammer into the ground. It sent out a massive wave of energy as sparks danced around its head. "It's time to activate ULTIMATE HAX!" Pussyslayer suddenly seemed to rapidly shift between colours as he activated all his hacks at once.
Mountain turned to Daniel with fear in his eyes. "Aw, shit. We're boned, aren't we?" Daniel shrugged, aiming his KSG and firing once at the Destroyer. The buckshot simply bounced off. "Yep, I think we are."
"YOU FOOL!" Pussyslayer bellowed in the most comically over the top fashion, his voice sounding like it was recorded on a crappy microphone. The swirling empty space around the platform suddenly shifted into colourful flashing lights that would give an epileptic a fit. The music faded out and was replaced by Approaching Nirvana's remix of Darude - Sandstorm. He began to float in the air as he activated noclip and speedhacks. He suddenly boosted into the ground and slammed the Banhammer into the ground between Mountain and Daniel, sending them flying.
Mountain screamed like a girl, but then remembered his trickshotting training by his mentor Captain John Motherfucking Price. He spun around in the air and did a 720, before firing his Intervention. The round streaked through the air and penetrated Pussyslayer's butthole, causing a stream of diarrhoea to spray out. The force was was great that it propelled the Destroyer halfway across the map. However, he stopped himself by grabbing a pair of floating boobs, and stopped the spray by swalling a charcoal pill. Once again, he used his speedhacks to boost across the map, this time at Daniel. The younger hero managed to roll out of the way, but Pussyslayer still managed to slice his pants with the sharpened part of the Banhammer and the pants were dead. "You killed pant!" Shouted Daniel as he ripped them off, revealing another pair he kept for some reason. "I'll kill you!"
And so he did. He pulled out another tomahawk and tossed it at Pussyslayer, but he dodged it. Then, thanks to the wonders of Tomahawk Physics, the bladed weapon bounced off a nearby wall, then the floor, then a giant statue of Gaben, a dragon skeleton, a bag of Doritos, another tomahawk, and finally the Throne of Games. It then proceeded to embed itself in Pussyslayer's crotch (again).
"OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Pussyslayer yelled as he grabbed his crotch. "Man, what is your problem with by balls?" He asked, turning around only to get quickscoped by Mountain, sending him stumbling back. Then he was shotgunned by Daniel. Then quickscoped by Mountain. Then shotgunned by Daniel. And so on.
After around five minutes (or five seconds) later, Pussyslayer's health had finally drained. He teleportaled back to his throne of games, panting heavily. "No... how can this be? I had hax!"
"Lol because you're not a true MLG fighter, bitch!" Mountain answered.
"Yeah! No true MLG fighter uses hax!" Daniel followed.
Pussyslayer glared at both of them. "No! This is not the end! I'll be back at a higher level than before! I WILL DESTROY YOU!" With that, he disappeared in a cloud of Doritos dust and airhorns. Mountain slowly lowered his weapon and placed it behind his back. "Huh, that was kind of anticlimatic. Bitch ran away like Alduin!" He patted Daniel's shoulder and walked over to a pile of Doritos. "I'm fucking hungry." He reached in, but pulled out suddenly, grasping his wrist. "Ow! That hurt!"
Daniel, curious of what hurt his partner, walked up to him. "What's wrong?"
"Something poked me!"
"The Doritos?"
"I don't know! Wait..." Mountain reached back in, more cautious than before. He fumbled around the pile, before pulling out what appeared to be a glowing sword constructed out of Doritos and a Mountain Dew bottle. "Whoa, this is sweet!" He held it by the hilt and gave it a practice swing. The blade left an arcing trail of dust as it travelled through the air. Upon closer inspection, he found that the glow was actually billions of spicy Doritos dust floating around the blade. He slashed a wooden crate, and the blade passed through with little effort, the Doritos not breaking at all. "I have NEW WEAPON!" Mountain proudly proclaimed, lifting it above his head and pointing it at the air, allowing it to be illuminated by the flashing lights.
Daniel nodded. "Cool. Now let's get out of here." Mountain spun his sword on one hand and placed it into a sheath that he found. "Where's the exit?"
The younger MLG fighter simply pointed at a conviently-placed exit door. Mountain stared at it for a second, before nodding. "Oh."
"AND YOU WILL PAY FOR ENTERING MY DIMENSION OF AWESOMENESS FAGETS!!!" And with that, he lunged forwards, drawing the legendary hammer of justice (which he stole), the Banhammer. Mountain barely had time to react and was smashed into a wall which rose from the floor. Next, he turned to Daniel, who took out his own tomahawk. Smirking, Pussyslayer turned towards him and charged at him, smashing the Banhammer into Daniel's tomahawk. The Banhammer, which looked and functioned suspiciously similar to Halo's gravity hammer, sent out a massive shockwave, sending Daniel flying into another random wall.
Pussyslayer laughed at the noobs' pathetic attempts to hurt him, when he was hardscoped by Mountain. The Destroyer of Networks and Slayer of Pussies angrily turned around and took out his ACR, the most fucking overpowered assault rifle in CoD, and fired at Mountain. The heroic quickscoper immediately dodged the bullets by doing a butterfly flip. He landed in a pile of random gaming props, and reached in. He rummaged around for a bit, before pulling out a diamond sword.
"MOTHERFUKA GO DAI!!!" The quickscoper cried and lunged at the Destroyer of Networks. Mountain slashed and sliced several times, but each one did not produce a legit hitmarker, and instead passed through Pussyslayer. "WTF OMG U HAX!" Mountain accused his opponent, who was standing in the same spot and cackling wildly. "lol fgt i fucked ur mum" Pussyslayer taunted, causing Mountain to suddenly clutch his sword tighter than an overly-attached girlfriend and go redder than period blood with rage.
No one, no one, fucked his mum but him! "BITCH ASS NIGGA!!!" Mountain roared, delivering a good solid kick to Pussyslayers testicles. Pussyslayer's shades immediately cracked into twenty octodecillion particles, and he let loose a scream high enough to shatter Mountain's sword. The kick was hard enough to send him flying through the air. Not wasting any time, Mountain leapt through the air as he defied physics like in any old Bollywood movie. In the middle of his jump, he pulled out his Intervention and spun a full 360 degrees, and fired. The .408 bullet flew through the air and hit Pussyslayer in his stomach, piercing it and causing a fountain of Mountain Dew and liquefied Doritos to spray out.
The force of the bullet also caused Pussyslayer to smash into the ground, his body going into ragdoll physics as he bounced around. After several minutes of this, he slowly got up, somehow sporting another pair of 8-bit shades. "oi u fukin fgt ill deck u m8" He said, taking out a pair of UMP45s. He immediately began to fire at Mountain, before taking fire from behind. "wtf hax noob" The Network Destroyer swung around, and immediately took some buckshot to the face, courtesy of Daniel, who had been sneaking around like a little pussy. "Bitch you die!" Daniel yelled his battle cry, charging directly into the stunned Pussyslayer and tackling him to the floor. He immediately took out his tomahawk and began to hack away at Pussyslayer's face. Unfortunately, the hacker had speedhacks, allowing him to effortlessly dodge Daniel's attacks. "lol bitch u suck balls imma chill lol"
Daniel's face scrunched up in anger, and he twirled his tomahawk around with his fingers, before driving it into Pussyslayer's crotch. Pussyslayer's glasses broke again as he was somehow rocketed away from Daniel, screaming all the way. "Fuk u scrub u suck." The younger hero raised his middle finger. Pussyslayer then felt the effects of gravity, and he fell towards the ground. Just before he hit the ground, however, he was impaled by a waiting Mountain. "Lol didn't see that coming m8." The older hero said, pulling his sword out and kicking him away.
The Network Destroyer groaned as he skidded across the floor, leaving a trail of blud in his wake. Punching the ground in frustration, he stood up and growled. "YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!" He screamed, angrily smashing the Banhammer into the ground. It sent out a massive wave of energy as sparks danced around its head. "It's time to activate ULTIMATE HAX!" Pussyslayer suddenly seemed to rapidly shift between colours as he activated all his hacks at once.
Mountain turned to Daniel with fear in his eyes. "Aw, shit. We're boned, aren't we?" Daniel shrugged, aiming his KSG and firing once at the Destroyer. The buckshot simply bounced off. "Yep, I think we are."
"YOU FOOL!" Pussyslayer bellowed in the most comically over the top fashion, his voice sounding like it was recorded on a crappy microphone. The swirling empty space around the platform suddenly shifted into colourful flashing lights that would give an epileptic a fit. The music faded out and was replaced by Approaching Nirvana's remix of Darude - Sandstorm. He began to float in the air as he activated noclip and speedhacks. He suddenly boosted into the ground and slammed the Banhammer into the ground between Mountain and Daniel, sending them flying.
Mountain screamed like a girl, but then remembered his trickshotting training by his mentor Captain John Motherfucking Price. He spun around in the air and did a 720, before firing his Intervention. The round streaked through the air and penetrated Pussyslayer's butthole, causing a stream of diarrhoea to spray out. The force was was great that it propelled the Destroyer halfway across the map. However, he stopped himself by grabbing a pair of floating boobs, and stopped the spray by swalling a charcoal pill. Once again, he used his speedhacks to boost across the map, this time at Daniel. The younger hero managed to roll out of the way, but Pussyslayer still managed to slice his pants with the sharpened part of the Banhammer and the pants were dead. "You killed pant!" Shouted Daniel as he ripped them off, revealing another pair he kept for some reason. "I'll kill you!"
And so he did. He pulled out another tomahawk and tossed it at Pussyslayer, but he dodged it. Then, thanks to the wonders of Tomahawk Physics, the bladed weapon bounced off a nearby wall, then the floor, then a giant statue of Gaben, a dragon skeleton, a bag of Doritos, another tomahawk, and finally the Throne of Games. It then proceeded to embed itself in Pussyslayer's crotch (again).
"OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Pussyslayer yelled as he grabbed his crotch. "Man, what is your problem with by balls?" He asked, turning around only to get quickscoped by Mountain, sending him stumbling back. Then he was shotgunned by Daniel. Then quickscoped by Mountain. Then shotgunned by Daniel. And so on.
After around five minutes (or five seconds) later, Pussyslayer's health had finally drained. He teleportaled back to his throne of games, panting heavily. "No... how can this be? I had hax!"
"Lol because you're not a true MLG fighter, bitch!" Mountain answered.
"Yeah! No true MLG fighter uses hax!" Daniel followed.
Pussyslayer glared at both of them. "No! This is not the end! I'll be back at a higher level than before! I WILL DESTROY YOU!" With that, he disappeared in a cloud of Doritos dust and airhorns. Mountain slowly lowered his weapon and placed it behind his back. "Huh, that was kind of anticlimatic. Bitch ran away like Alduin!" He patted Daniel's shoulder and walked over to a pile of Doritos. "I'm fucking hungry." He reached in, but pulled out suddenly, grasping his wrist. "Ow! That hurt!"
Daniel, curious of what hurt his partner, walked up to him. "What's wrong?"
"Something poked me!"
"The Doritos?"
"I don't know! Wait..." Mountain reached back in, more cautious than before. He fumbled around the pile, before pulling out what appeared to be a glowing sword constructed out of Doritos and a Mountain Dew bottle. "Whoa, this is sweet!" He held it by the hilt and gave it a practice swing. The blade left an arcing trail of dust as it travelled through the air. Upon closer inspection, he found that the glow was actually billions of spicy Doritos dust floating around the blade. He slashed a wooden crate, and the blade passed through with little effort, the Doritos not breaking at all. "I have NEW WEAPON!" Mountain proudly proclaimed, lifting it above his head and pointing it at the air, allowing it to be illuminated by the flashing lights.
Daniel nodded. "Cool. Now let's get out of here." Mountain spun his sword on one hand and placed it into a sheath that he found. "Where's the exit?"
The younger MLG fighter simply pointed at a conviently-placed exit door. Mountain stared at it for a second, before nodding. "Oh."
I'm sorry.
1x Thank
