A Journal

[Majoraa]

[DATA EXPUNGED]

[Majoraa]

Entry No.1, 6.8.2020

God, how long has it been since I wrote in this thing?

Well, technically I had to get a new journal. The old one had so much mad ramblings I'm shocked I haven't been thrown into a mental hospital. Alas, that husk is long gone, unfortunately costing me most of my kindness.

Poor kid. Annette never asked to go through such hell, none of them did.

It's been months since we "dissapeared", I've been working on fixing the others for a while. Some didn't want to lose their memories of them, but even if it pained me, we didn't have a choice. I wanted them to have better lives, after all. Even if mine ended up worse in the end.

Damn them. If I didn't know better I'd march back there and get my revenge. He's been itching to bust heads after finding out why he suffered so much. Best to list my progress here.

- Jay

[Majoraa]

Entry No.2, 6.10.2020

I should probably introduce myself, first and foremost.

I go by many monikers, in an attempts to conceal my true identity, for saftey reasons. Thus multiple personas, and eventually husks of who I once was.

For now, call me Jay. Short for the nickname shoved onto me by friends.

Currently I...have no idea what to do for the characters puppets others. My resources are limited. One thing wrong with life right now has to be the fear that everyone's out to get you. To hurt you.

...I know, bullshit, right?

But that's how I have to let things be for now. Especially since I was painted as a villain by them. Can't trust anyone easily now.

Damn them.

My vendetta aside, I've been trying to find a place, a story for the other characters (for a lack of a better term.) at my disposal. But they're kinda oddball-ish? It's hard to find the right story for some.

Guess I can make one up myself? I'm at a loss for ideas though.

- Jay

[Majoraa]

Entry No.3 6.21.2020
Her mental state' wavering again.

How refreshing.

Soon she'll join the other worthless simulacrums in death.

Soon there will be nothing left.

And yet...

Hm.

Once this one story is finish, we'll just go ahead and dissapear again.

Whether or not it's in death is...uncertain. Fortunately for her.

We'd leave little behind, however.

We're nothing more than a nobody in this god-forsaken life.

And that's how they- our family wants us to be.

Damn our old "friends". I'd kill them for ruining our lives if it wasn't illegal. Well, some psychological tourture would be less violent. Or obvious.

Ah well~ I already won our little bet and got my vessel back. It's only a matter of time.

- Dahlia

[Majoraa]

Entry No.4 7.9.2020
Can't be angry, or I deserve to be slapped. Can't be sad or scared; show weakness, or I'm pathetic. Can't be happy, smiles are suspicious. Love is a lie, and so is hope. So what do they want me to be, if not a husk void of emotion?

...Hm, might as well write real stories here, before another misfortune gives me a chance to kill myself.

- Jay

[Majoraa]

Entry No.5 10.27.2021
...Huh. To be honest I forgot I had this. Guess since nothing bad's happened there was no need to continue. That or I had no projects in mind. Well, there's one but it's still on the drawing board. On the plus side I found a place for one of my spare characters! Well, two places. Eh, fits him anyways to be a constant. The others still aren't so lucky.

Well, I'm alive. Neither Reese or Dahlia showed up for awhile. Well I get the latter, she won the bet and got a body back; Probably screwed off to the Abyss somewhere. But-

Hm. Guess it's cause they weren't needed.

...One more year. You're so close. It's almost the end of the year, then it's waiting for your birthday. Better make plans soon, they'll kick you out eventually. Persist. Even if they try to make you paranoid, even if they make you scornful, or afraid of the world. Even if they break your spirit without remorse, or drive you away from here again.

Even if they treat you as if you were a stupid, loud-mouthed, iredeemable nussance. Your low self-esteem speaking for them or not.

And if they resort to something drastic?

Give them hell.

...That being said, I should probably make use of this soon. Not exactly good at fanfiction, especially not writing characters that I don't own. But we can try.

- Jay* (*Concidering change of penname)

[Majoraa]

REDACTED

BIG BROTHER IS ALWAYS WATCHING.
YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE THEIR GAZE.
PREPARE TO KISS YOUR PROGRESS HERE GOODBYE, YOU NO GOOD, STUPID LITTLE BRAT.

...
If I was meant to fear the world,
If I was meant to hate the world,
If I was meant not to trust anyone,
If everyone is out to get me,
Then why give them want they want?

FALL.

Why keep going?

HIDE IN YOUR SHELL AS MUCH AS YOU WANT, THEY'LL PRY YOU OUT IN TIME, AND THEY'LL FORCE YOU TO FACE REALITY.

They already have. I'd rather drown than face the world they build from fear.
...Why did they give me freedom if they'll just scare me away from it?

TRUE FREEDOM IS A LIE.

..I never should've slept.

[Majoraa]

TRUTH

I was never meant to be here.
We were never meant to be here.

I was just some dumb kid who wanted to write,
Then I stumbled upon here.

Ignorant, annoying, no experiences with writing like this what so ever.

And yet people were patient. They helped me grow. They helped me learn.

Even if some now don't want anything to do with me, y'know what?

I'm glad. I'm glad I stayed and got to meet so many cool people, glad to be a part of so many stories even if they died off.

But...

They don't want me here.

They don't trust me being here. Or anywhere for that matter. They forced me away from here for months once. It's only by luck I've hidden here well for years.

I hate it. The same summary. The same mantra.

Don't trust them. Don't trust them. Don't trust anyone. The world is dangerous. They're afraid. They make themselves afraid. I don't want to be afraid. The articles, the crap they spew about sex trafficking and rape, kids catfished into meeting up with men and woman much older than they are.

This doesn't scare me anymore. It annoys me. It fuels my anger, my hatred.

It among other things? It makes me want to kill.

No matter how much I try, no matter how careful I am, no matter how old I get. They insist on spying on me. As if I'd spew out their dirtiest secrets to the world. You can forget about ignorantly falling in "love" again, that light's been smothered out with hatred a long time ago. Gave me one big reality check.

Why bother acting like you trust me, if you'll only turn tail and say otherwise? Am I that manipulable? To you? To anyone?

...I never should've let my guard down, even for a second.

Even in your sleep, Big Brother is watching. They'll wait for you to slip up, and that's it. Goodbye..."Majora".

...I still want to stay.

[Majoraa]

WRATH

Killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
fearfearfearfearfearfearfearfearfearfearfearfearfearfearfearfearfearfear
distrustdistrustdistrustdustrustdistrustdistrustdistrustdistrustdistrustdistrust

Big Brother is always watching. No matter what they say, no matter what they do, they'll anticipate your slip up, just like back then. Do you regret not killing yourself earlier? Maybe now, when they catch you off guard and decided to scream in your face to get out, you can go jump off a bridge or something.

Years, Majora. You've been able to stay here for years with no problems, yet your stupid problems with your leg possibly all screwed this up. They can't be reasoned with, remember? They always have to be right, or they'll pitch a fit. No matter how much you beg, plead, or cry, they'll think everyone else on this forum is a goddamn pedophile out to get you. Even though the last gaggle of nitwits that almost gave us a chance to kill ourselves were just a buncha childish pricks you ignorantly trusted in an attempt to prove yourself to them that you're not stupid.

...Hm. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't kinda deal, huh?

Maybe we should've died during surgery.

[Majoraa]

REGRET

...I should've died during surgery.
I should've died during surgery.
I should've died during surgery.
I should've died during surgery.
I should've died during surgery.
I should've died during surgery.
I should've died during surgery.
I should've died
I should've died
I should've died
I should've died
I should've died
...
I should die.

[Majoraa]

LIE

...I wish I was dead. It's as easy as that.

How many times do I have to lie that I don't?

Why do I have to lie?

...Oh right. Them.

I have to stuff these emotions down for their "sake".

They'll deny it with their damn breath that I'm not right in the head.

Say I'm overreacting, or that they've had it worse, or that I'll be okay soon enough.

Well?

Nothing's changed. In fact these past few days I've felt worse.

But they won't care. Right?

...

Two weeks left, apparently.

I don't think I'll be able to make it that long.

...

Please.

Shut the door.

[Majoraa]

IDIOT

YOU NEVER LISTEN

[Majoraa]

ENOUGH

It never is.

Not to them.

I thought I was finally ok.

Untill now.

Why must I be born? Like this?

Where paranoia is Just?

Where I'm nothing but the "perfect victim"? "Gulible"? "Weak"?

Where they turn their back on their words and don't even realize it? Where at time I'm alone in how I feel? In a world that's somehow out to get you?

Why even let me be free if you fear for me? If you "just want the best" for me? If you want me to be "safe"?

It's almost like you want me to dissapear. Almost.

Reminders that the world isnt safe,

Reminders that people are cruel, heartless, selfish,

Reminders that I absolutely can't trust anyone, or I'll end up kidnapped, raped, killed,

I hate it.

I dont want to be afraid.

I hate it.

I want to have hope, to cling onto at least a sliver of it.

I hate it.

I hate them.

I hate people.

I'm so tired.

I want to hurt.

I want to kill.

Their pathetic scare tactics only fuel this hatred. What am I in their eyes, if not a pathetic, gullible child? A sickly bird that must be kept in a gilded cage for all time?

Don't justify it.

I feel like I'm going to snap one day and do something I'll soon regret.

They wouldn't care. They'd throw either of us out at the earliest sign of defiance.

Is this what they want? A budding monster tetering on the precipice of losing patience?

...

...

Know this. Please.

I don't wish to leave. Atleast not until stories are completed.

But if I do.

It's cause of Her.

[Majoraa]

Forgive me

I'm an adult, you say

He can't say anything about what I do, you say

Yet you do

You always have

You always made sure to

For years and years

You kept me afraid

Kept me under your thumb

You like being in control dont you

Thats why you hate me for continuing to defy you

By being here

Trust me

I want to be better

I want to have a job, a life, for my life to be worth something

I want to be better

I am more than aware that I am sinful

But I want to be better

So why am I still tethered to you

Let me be independent from you

Please

...

I don't think I can ever forgive myself

[Majoraa]

I really need a therapist.

[Majoraa]

God I hope I'm not wrong.