Beware!
You are entering the lair of an incredibly pissed-off vampire. You may be subject to the following:
-Vulgar language
-Unbridled Rage
-An over extensive use of ALL CAPS!!!
-More vulgar language
-References to the foodservice industry
-And more vulgar language
Did we mention the vulgar language part already? No? Well fuck it!
So anyway, I was nearly killed at work because some meth-head wanted a pizza AFTER CLOSING.
Here's how the buggery went down. I work at a gas station/pizza joint as a cook and sometimes as a cashier. It was after nine o'clock when we turned the ovens off and stopped serving pizza. Well, around 10:30, as I was finishing up the last of the dishes, this dude walked in, and he was FLYING on drugs! Like seriously, this guy was probably carrying a Walgreens' worth in his system. He came up to the register and started asking if we were still making food. I politely responded, "No sir, we stop serving food after nine o' clock."
That is when the fecal refuse collided with oscillating blades...in other words...SHIT HIT THE FAN! The guy literally lunged at me bug-eyed,
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY PIZZAS?! WHERE DOES IT SAY YOU DON'T MAKE PIZZAS AFTER NINE?!"
I backed up, thinking at this point I had incensed the bastard into a murderous rage. How was I to tell he didn't have a gun or a knife on him?
Unfortunately, because my boss is a prick and an idiot, we don't have any signs saying we stop serving after nine. So, we have to just tell people. That works out about as well as trying to poke a bear with a toothpick and not expect to be plastered against the pines! I once again told the douche-pickle, "Sir, we stop serving pizzas after nine 'o clock. That is our rule. I am sorry for this inconvenience. If you want to order a pizza, you'll have to come back tomorrow at noon."
His response was, "FUCK YOU, FAT FUCKER! YOUR MENU IS STILL ON! NOW MAKE ME A PEPPERONI PIZZA!"
Truthfully, he was correct. Our menu board above the register was still on...because my dumbass manager forgot to turn it off at nine like she was supposed to. I hadn't realized it either because I was busy in the back cleaning up and prepping for the next day. Anywho...
Shit-heel resumed yelling at me, as if that was going to persuade me otherwise. I calmly explained that we had forgotten to turn the menu off and did so. That was when he fucking lunged at me again, "OH OH I SEE WHAT YOU'RE FUCKING DOING FATASS! YOU'RE MAKING THAT SHIT UP! SO NOW YOU TURN THE MENU OFF! HUH?! HUH?!" The prick of all pricks demanded I turn the menu back on....then uttered the dreaded words, "GO GET YOUR FUCKING MANAGER!"
Mind you, this whole time I was alone at the register. My manager, who we shall call Yesca out of grudging respect, was in the back office...halfway across the fucking store...doing "paperwork" watching netflix on her phone. I let out a brief sigh of anger, responding with, "Okay, sir, but I need you to calm down. If you escalate this any further, I will have to call the police." Mind you, I couldn't call the police, at least not until I called the boss first, which if you ask me *inhales*
IS THE MOST BULLSHIT ASININE RULE I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE!! I FUCKING SWEAR TO GOD!!
So, I go and get Yesca off her ass and drag her out to meet Captain Dickwad. Luckily, she was able to de-escalate the situation, but the guy was still treating us like a bunch of dumbkuffs. Instead, he just bought some burritos out of the deli...which he could have done in the first fucking place... Then the asshat crumbles them up and throws them...THROWS THEM on the ground outside.
Needless to say, I had already had enough of the dillhole and wanted to skin his face for another Halloween mask. Screw the cops! I was gonna take him out myself! Alas, I relented and had a cigarette before it was time to "officially" close down for the night and go home.
The moral of the story, kiddos: Don't ever work nights in a gas station...EVER! And if you do, pack heat, because your boss is liable to just throw you to the wolves with a steak taped to your ass.
Goodnight, and I'll see you in court!
