It's all in the Spamily - A CK2 Spamthrough

[Alex]

It’s all in the Spamily - a Crusader Kings 2 Spamthrough


Crusader Kings II is a grand strategy game set in the High and Late Middle Ages developed by Paradox Development Studio. The game is a dynasty simulator where the player controls a Medieval dynasty from 867to 1453. Through the strategic use of war, marriages and assassinations among many other things, the player works to achieve success for his or her dynasty.

This thread is my attempt at a chronicling a playthrough of CK2. I will be trying to leading the van Spam dynasty, starting as the Duke of Flanders and working my way from there. I will be the dynasty’s founder, but after that, each son and daughter will be named after a member on the guild; this way, your characters and their descendants might gain lands and titles, and grow into the leaders of powerful kingdoms.

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Let's begin.
As I said, I'm the duke of Flanders.



I'm rather gifted. Hopefully I can use my god-given talents to move the van Spam family out of obscurity.
You see, Flanders is a region on the very borders of the Kingdom of West Francia, far from the bustling streets of Paris. My king is an unworthy Karling, a whelp descended from Charlemagne.



Hopefully I can bring the King's power down so that he fears his vassals.



But first, I have issues at home; I don't even control all of Flanders! My holdings are circled in black. Time to stir up some trouble..


That poor count didn't even have the courage to fight.

The other one, however, rose up in arms against my "tyrannical expansion". It didn't end well for him.


Once I've consolidated Flanders under van Spam rule, my lovely wife has a daughter. The child is born and is sickly, but the midwives say that omens point to her being a genius and strong.



What do I name her?

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So, basically, post if you'd enjoy following this, optionally telling me what gender you'd like to be represented as in-game. :)

[Turtlicious]

Brose

[Hank]

Sherly.

[Seba]

Hank said
Sherly.

[2]

[Jorick]

Do whatever for the babby, but in the future make me a guy of some kind, preferably a child of the van Spam bloodline.

[andromedene]

I'd go for Sherly.

[The Nexerus]

I want to do a play through of this as the King of Norway, but I only have CKI.

[andromedene]

The Nexerus said
I want to do a play through of this as the King of Norway, but I only have CKI.

How could you? Monster.

[The Nexerus]

ImANargleHunter said
How could you? Monster.

I'm a cruel, cruel person.

[Alex]

The happy couple decides upon the name "Surely". "Don't call me Sherly"! I am very relieved that my lands will not pass to the French King upon my death, though a female heir is not a wise thing. The world is not safe, and a female ruler will be harassed and taken advantage of by other lords.



My French king is constantly at war with this vassal or that, and sometimes even tries to fight holy wars with some far off Muslim. I often have to lead his armies, so that keeps me busy enough. During a lull in the bloodthirsty Karling wars, I decide to get in touch with my spiritual side, and make a Pilgrimage to Santiago.



Of course, there's only so much bloodshed and religion that can keep a man occupied. There needs to be some baby-making too - my wife gives birth to a child, whom I name BlueRose



No sooner than a week after my second daughter is born does the French King call my armies for another pointless war. Enough is enough! I send word to some of the King's other prominent vassals and we band together to form an Independence Faction. We petition the King to release us from out Oaths of Fealty, as he his warmongering is a threat to the realm.

The king, perhaps, more willing to let parts of his realm go than to fight wars on multiple fronts, relents, and the Duchy of Flanders becomes sovereign.



The medieval world is dangerous for small, independent lords, however ; norse raiders sail down every season and plunder the Flemish countryside. I am hard pressed to defend my land, so I pledge loyalty to the King of Lotharingia.

"Conveniently", my Chancellor happened to discover ancient papers proving that the Duchy of Holland were ancestral Lands of the van Spam Dynasty. Such a claim would double my lands - and if I were a part of the Lotharingian Kingdom, the Duke of Holland wouldn't be able to call in the King.

To celebrate our new loyalties, my wife and I get to baby-making, and 9 months later she gives birth to my first son - we name him Jorrick.



For a year or two things are peaceful in Flanders. Soon, however, the Duke of Holland insults me - he accuses me of forging a claim on his lands! How dare he - those papers my Chancellor found are completely legitimate, nevermind their obscure and questionable origin! Such a slight can not go unpunished, and I decide to press my claims on Holland.

The following war lasts a year, but was decided in the first battles. The Duke of Holland's forces were in Friesland fighting off Norse raiders; my levies moved in after the battles finished and wiped out his armies. From there it was a simple matter of sieging the Duke in his castles, wearing down his will to fight. Eventually, his acknowledged my claims and relinquished the lands that are rightfully van Spam. The former Duke is now exiled to rule in Friesland - hopefully he has learned his lesson to not cross the van Spam family.

With the war over, I am now the Duke of Flanders and Holland. I'm practically a king! In fact, I begin styling myself as the King in Frisia. Of course none would recognize me as a king so long as I swore fealty to Lotharingia, so I began sowing seeds of discontent among my fellow vassals.

Eventually a formidable coalition forms demanding independence from their Karling overlords - the King has no choice but to accept.

Now independent, there can be no doubt about my hegemony over the low counties. No longer am I a mere duke, but I am the King of Frisia! And my daughters are Princesses, and Jorrick my Prince! It's good to be the king.



Now there's the matter of those counts and dukes that, by rights, are vassals of Frisia. Time will tell if they bend the knee...

[Alex]

With a Kingdom under my belt, I was feeling very content with my accomplishments. I set about securing good matches for my offspring.



Surely was betrothed to a minor Breton noble; he has a claim on the Duchy of Brittany which would be useful later.



Jorrick was betrothed to the Queen of Wessex. If the marriage went through, his children would have been Kings of Firsia and Wessex. :(

While I was looking for a good match for BlueRose (She ended up hooking up with a Brabant noble who somehow became disinherited :<), I heard news of corruption. My wife, working as a spymaster, went to investigate..



No! My wonderful life! Who will I make babies with now?



I found a Duchess in Aquitaine who was young and unwed. If she reached adulthood I'd gain the Duchy for the family.. But alas she died. I tried marrying her sister, but she lost her Duchy to an Usurper.

Surely's marriage, however, went swimmingly. The Breton noble arrived in court and I set about making arrangements for their wedding gift - the Duchy of Brittany.

First, I plotted to murder the current elderly Duke. He croaked after a few attempts and his underage son took charge.

Then, I pressed Surely's husband's claim.



The war ended quickly (the Breton vassals had rebelled against the Duke), and Surely was now a Duchess. Not a bad present, if I do say so myself!

After the war, I began to plan for Jorrick's wedding - all the preparations were in place, but then he caught a cold. Unfortunately, Pneumonia took his life (stupid weak heir)



Now I'm without a male heir, and it looks like Surely will inherit the Kingdom. There are worse possible fates for Frisia, as Surely is very competent, but I'd rather leave a male on the throne for the security of the realm. While I searched for a new bride to make babies with, I heard news of BlueRose and GerritTurt's child, Honk.



And right after that THE GAME CRASHED so there may be some retcon.

The van Spam dynasty grows steadily!

[andromedene]

MASSIVE EARTHQUAKES

GOD IS UNHAPPY

[natsumehack]

So how long till there a horse named after me?

[Seba]

[Mahz]

Some shameless guild trivia:

2007 roleplayerguild.com
2007 forum.paradoxplaza.com

[natsumehack]

No spam?

Mahzkrieg?

[Jorick]

Mahz said
Some shameless guild trivia:2007 2007

RPG has come a long way from RP sections being divided by genre.

natsumehack said
No spam?Mahzkrieg?

Spam wasn't a thing until 2010.

[Captain Jordan]

I just spent five minutes laughing at the fact that this is a Spam AAR.

Okay, now I'll read it.

EDIT: Which expansions or mods are you playing with? That doesn't look like the vanilla game, especially not with those EXTREMELY high stats.

I'm also pretty impressed at the speed by which you made king. Let's see if you can keep it for 500 years.

[Sloth]

I can't get over Gerrit Turt's mustache.

[Hank]

Gerrit Turt and BlueRose have a child named Honk? Really, Hadvar?