So
okay
A feeling came over me today to do this and I think because I'm using these things to use as bartering chips to not deal with my issues and move on with my life. But I guess I'll just have to deal with that on my own.
I guess it's time for some real talk ft. Aza. I guess I was kinda known for not really ever talking about myself. Uhm, even tho a lot of people kind said over the years that they would be chill with learning more about me. I've kinda remained that person that just doesn't talk about myself for a long time. Actually I guess I'd say that over the years I've been in this lovely community that I've had like 2 actualy real talk conversations. And its mostly been back and forth with like. One person at a time. So I guess what I'm saying is I'm being needless and I'm bad at this. But thats okay because I'm bad at stuff.
So I guess a lot of my questions about myself started as a kiddo. Very young. I was born into a christian community, and basically grew up with one other family. And it left me with a plethora of gender and sexuality questions as I began to grow older.
I had a very interesting childhood looking back on it. Lets take some arbitrary person and divide all of their female role models into how they act. You would probably get a good split between practical and whimsy. Of emotional and rational. Of subservient and powerful. All of my female role models were powerful, rational, practial people. They were the breadwinners. They were the people that I thought as larger than life. And all the male role models in my life were not that. They were either very masculine, play sports, be tought, but they were always petty. And very easy to anger and upset. And made me feel very uncomfortable. Or they were very caring, but wore their emotions on their sleeve.
Of course, as a boy kiddo I was like most kids told how boys and girls were suppose to act. But, I saw and heard different things about men and women. And it almost always felt like something was lying to me. As a result, I found gender roles and gender lines to be incredibly blurred. And it wasn't until I was going into puberty that this line really started to come into picture. And become a firmer thing.
A hormonally raging, puberty undergoing. Sexually charged teenager. As you can imagine, gender roles became a lot more about sex and how we show affection rather than how we should act in society. Or, whatever that means in this biased society. Whatever.
It was about this time that my body and brain were telling me "hey you, I know that girls are pretty, but check out that dude right there. Also, that girl is still very hot." Turns out I'm a little attracted to both genders and stuff.
Still in a strong christian community. With the petty men that want me to be masculine. With the strong females that still spoke to me with a sense of power.
I also at this time closed the most social time I've ever had and actually became the introverted person I am. (Those friends I made during this time are still my best friends today)
This is when my friends agree that the confusion I had about my gender and my sexuality became an all out fire within me. And really started ripping me apart. As the time progressed I did two things.
The first thing I did was move all my questions about myself and who I was aside to turn to god. I pushed everything aside, and you guys probably have choice memories of me being a very religious person. As I tried to hear a god somewhere. As I strained and struggled with the concept of god.
The second thing I did was I stopped feeling. I became disattached, I became distant. I guess I kinda became depressed or something akin to it. Or something, point is I tried my hardest to stop feeling, and I lost empathy for people. My parents moved me to an online high school because I needed someone to care for me to get through school.
Fast forward to 16 or 17. Some time around then. I'm this person that is fighting to not feel, to not question who I am, to hear god. To have faith. But it turns out, not dealing with stuff will kick you in the facehole. And I remember breaking down and these questions that I've always had screamed at me.
And that's when I became consiously closeted I guess. This is the time where I knew that I was having a Gender Identity Crisis, that I knew I was not heterosexual. I knew I was able to be sexually and romantical interacted with.
I think I've done a lot during these past like 4 years having known that I was. Last year I said fuck it. And began the coming out process. I came out to my best friends. I came out to my parents, my sister. I came out to my cousin. I came out to the childhood friend that I thought would murder me if he knew. And I guess I'm now coming to you guys.
I guess you could say I'm confused and questioning my identity. I guess that's okay.
Still would like to be able to force myself to deal with it though.
Alright.
That's enough real talk for me to last another 7 years. I'll be sure to be just as distracted as I was this time.
You may now proceed by linking linkin park songs.
and other angst.
Crawling in my skin
Stuff
tl;dr Gender Questioning, Bi/Pan coming out party
Marik
LetsFly
AlteredTundra