Shy Lies and Hazel Eyes
Sophia | Marcus
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It had been a whole week, and Marcus still had yet to explore the entirety of the Zhang Estate. He'd managed to explore most of the surrounding area, between hunting with Ernie and Brent, and wandering around the beach at night, but the inside still had areas that he hadn't managed to wander into accidentally. He contemplated between the wine cellar and the library, eventually making his decision based on the fact that anybody sneaking into a wine cellar at 11am could be accused of being an alcoholic.
He was impressed by the size of the library - it almost seemed like Zhang was trying to build a second campus all the way out here. Which, depending on how things were going on campus, or at least from what he'd been hearing over the Death and Taxes forums a while back, might not have been the worst idea.
Now done spending time in front of the computers with a smile plastered on as if it would help as she tried to communicate with her family, Sophia made her way into the library for yet another time. Absentmindedly rubbing at a eye as she walked through the shelves, she tried to decide what to read this time. It was good to read, to immerse herself in a different world where the worries there could be banished simply by closing the book. Unlike in real life.
Deciding to head to a corner of the library she hadn't yet explored properly, Sophia turned a few corners until... oh. There, some feet away, was a person. It took a second for the dread to come rushing in as her tired mind took its time registering the person there. Classmate. Classmate: Marcus. After yesterday's encounter with AngΓ©lique, did she want to fail another conversation? He's not that bad, she told herself. Yet.
Fighting the urge to turn around and hide behind one of the shelves surrounding her, she took a few steps forward. Looked at him with her dark brown eyes, slightly puffy from her cry last night. Forced a slight smile to her face. "Oh..." Keep talking. "Hello, Marcus." Her voice was quiet, but in the library that wasn't so out of place.
Marcus nearly jumped in surprise when he heard someone else's voice - he hadn't exactly expected anybody else to be here at this time, but it probably wasn't as out of the ordinary as he thought. He just wasn't expecting it was the problem. He whirled around, immediately identifying the voice's owner. It was Sophia, the poor girl who had the pleasure of being the only person besides him and Lawrence to have attended both Evac missions.
And with the state she appeared to be in, that had been doing her as much good as it had been him.
"Oh hey Sophs!" Marcus said, forcing an equal smile to his own face. There was really no point in beating around the bush if he wanted to talk to her, so he might as well have gotten the hard part out of the way first: "How're you feeling lately? We haven't exactly had the opportunity to talk since-"
He cut himself off there, quickly searching for something to replace the thought. "...in a while."
Oh, she'd startled him. Then... perhaps she could have walked away without him noticing. Too late. She had started it, and she would finish it. Even if everyone was insistent on always asking her how she was. Was it genuine concern? A reflex upon seeing that she was younger than the rest of the team? A need to feel that they were being responsible? A polite question? Probably that. Before all this stuff had happened, she hadn't realized how much humans loved asking that question.
A muscle keeping her smile in place twitched as she noticed Marcus's quick cut off and change of phrasing. Right, they hadn't talked since Wisford. Golden eyes and a snap. Say something. "Yeah... it's been a while."
He just said that, you. Pay attention. Oops. Tensing slightly, Sophia wished that Marcus would have given her something more to respond to. "I'm... I'm fine." Her eyes darted to the nearest shelf of books and began scanning the titles without really reading. "Enjoying the... accommodations. You?"
"Doing fine. We've been getting nothing but upgrades to our living quarters, which is nice. Means I have to map out the air ducts everytime we change locations though, which is starting to become annoying." Marcus joked, giving a slight, and only lightly forced, chuckle at his own quip.
He brought his hand up to the back of his head nervously, becoming immediately aware of how little he actually had to talk to her about. They hadn't known eachother before Wisford (a bad subject to bring up if ever there was one), and this didn't exactly seem like the best of times to sit down and talk about their lives together.
Apparently Marcus was also fine, and making jokes that he could only understand. Sophia only glanced back at him with a hint of confusion. Air ducts? Did he mean escape passages? She wasn't feeling up for this stuff and jokes. So why had she started this again? Again there was that urge to just turn around and walk away. But then she'd never get better, would she? Despite what she had told herself that other night in D.C, she hadn't taken any steps to get to know her classmates.
She didn't really feel like trying now, but... she started to choke something out. "Do you um-- which do you-- you... uh..." No no no. Wrong. Her fists clenched, this time not focused enough to bother hiding them behind her back. Her face began to flush. "I... sorry." Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea. Stupid.
Right. That was a dumb joke to make without any sort of context. Not that there was any context...so that'd mean it was just a dumb joke overall. A real poor attempt at lightening the mood on his part, as he could tell by the slightly confused look he got. He had absolutely no idea how to interact with Sophia.
How's your brain handling all that exestential dread and those horrible atrocities you were forced to attend?
Although, it seemed only fair, because Sophia stumbled through her own sentance as well. He gave a nonchalant wave as she apologized, speaking up to hopefully salvage the attempt at conversation.
"So what kind of books do you like to read, Sophs?" Marcus asked, taking the initiative off Sophia's shoulders.
There, something to latch on to. A question to answer. It wasnβt the easier to answer, but it was something. Sophiaβs gaze darted around the area, scanning the titles of the books as she searched for an answer. What did she like to read? "Uh, mostly fiction?" But that was too broad. Theme. Genre. What about those?
She likedβ¦ something that she could lose herself in. Good character building. It had to be realistic. No overpowered people going bam and knocking everyone down within a few seconds. Lots of conflict. How did she fit that into words? "I donβt know," she said, making sure to look anywhere but at Marcus. But she had to give more than that, so it slipped out as a whisper, something that would have been lost if the library wouldn't have been so quiet. "Something that I can... lose myself in."
Fiction was certainly a broad topic, and Marcus found himself looking around the shelves at the same time Sophia was. There were a lot of them - all various genres and materials, somewhere that he might have enjoyed himself a few months ago. Back when he used to read for fun instead of it being the only thing to do as the weeks passed on mercilessly.
"Something to get lost in?" Marcus found himself repeating, a moment passing before he snapped himself back to the conversation. He grinned a bit, his eyes scanning some of the lower shelves as he talked.
"Now you're starting to sound like Siena." he said, before realizing something. Did Sophia know Siena? They'd been on DC Evac together, but that didn't necessarily mean anything if Siena had been busying herself rescuing people from that building. "...erm. My roommate. Real big into books. Huuuge bookworm, that one." he explained hastily, trying to give Sophia some context to work from.
Was sounding like Siena a good thing or a bad thing? Sophia decided to go with good. It made things simpler. "Yeah... I kn-- have met her." She'd only talked to Siena briefly once, that wasn't enough to say that she knew the girl. But hey, surprise surprise, she actually knew someone. Impressive, huh? That's four people, plus maybe Marcus. So considering that there are around seventeen, eighteen people in the team... I know less than a quarter of them. Impressive. "Know" meaning having spoken to them at least twice.
Realizing that her flickering smile had dropped while doing her calculations, she hauled it back up. Time to make small talk. Are you here to lose yourself in a book too? Want to stop thinking about last Sunday? Not that. The smile dropped again. Get yourself together. Running a hand over her eyes, she twirled a strand of hair around her finger. "You like reading too? Considering that you're..." Keep going. "...that you're here so early."
Oh okay, so she did know Siena! That meant he wasn't just blathering on and leaving Sophia in a state of mass confusion. Excellent.
"Eeeeh." Marcus made an noncommittal noise, giving the wavering 'so-so' hand gesture. "I used to. Right now I'm mostly just seeing what sort of resources are available. Check out all the places that this estate has to offer; know your surroundings and all that jazz." he added.
His eyes flickered across Sophia as she twirled a strand of hair. Another Siena move. He'd only seen her do that when she was answering questions about herself though. Questions she probably didn't want to answer. Whenever she was uncomfortable. He wasn't making Sophia uncomfortable, was he? He tried to make his grin a little more friendly, just to give the sense that they were friends.
Despite whatever their actual, working relationship was. 'Not great', as Marcus assumed.
Mhm, yeah. Sophia nodded in response to what Marcus said, but that was the only sign that she was paying attention. For she still wasn't looking at Marcus, though her thoughts were currently filled with trying to figure out what to say. Better to think of what was in the now than to think about a week ago. Still, no matter how she tried to find something, she came up blank for words. And with nothing to keep her in the present, her mind slipped back to the past. Not too far however, only so she was thinking of her time online just earlier.
Had she done a good enough job reassuring her sisters for the second time? They need so much attention. It was not a nice thought, so unlike her. Especially since she had just spent more time than she realized typing and rephrasing her e-mails to them. But it was her job. Even though she was more shaken up than either of them would ever realize about what had happened in D.C, it was they who needed the attention. And she would give it, just as she had tried to give reassurance to AngΓ©lique yesterday. I failed with that, though. On it went, until the world closed around her, shutting her in with her thoughts.
Marcus had plucked one of the books off the shelf, and had flipped it over to read the back synopsis. Some Sci-Fi romance novel involving a woman from the past and a spaceman from the future, and how things went down when she was suddenly forced into his world. 'How would she cope with the amenities of the future? Hilarity ensues!'. Not really his type of thing, and a surprise to find in Zhang's collection. It made him wonder how much of this stuff was actually ordered by her.
The sudden silence caught up to him, however. He'd not heard a single peep in response, and he looked over with a slight hint of confusion to see where the conversational hitch was. He easily recognized the glassy stare of someone lost in their own mind, and he gently placed the book back on the shelf as he half-turned to look at her.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Marcus said, raising his voice to hopefully snap Sophia out of her little trance.
Penny... penny. For her thoughts. Marcus's voice cut in, and she dragged her gaze over to him. Made herself look and focus on his face. She didn't share her thoughts. They were private. Not even if someone offered her a penny. Yes, she knew it was an expression, but still... she didn't like sharing. Should I tell him about why I was thinking the other day that AngΓ©lique isn't actually an emotional weirdo? Tell him about how my older sister needs me for support, even when I feel I can't give it? Tell him about how I still can't stop thinking about all that death?
Her gaze hardened a bit, banishing the glassy look. "Just... people. Family." She should have told him she was thinking about bunnies.
Family. He got lost in his own mind thinking about that fairly often. Even if he did only have Max. And Sammie, if you counted her - and he was reluctant to cut numbers just because of silly little things like 'not actually being related.'
"That's not a bad one to get lost in." Marcus said, his own voice slightly preoccupied as he started to drift off in his own thoughts, before slamming himself back to the conversation at hand. "All good things, I hope?"
You'd better hope, otherwise this conversation is going to come to an abrupt halt..
Perhaps not, but at this point Sophia wasn't really sure where she stood in her family. Whether she was simply needed, or actually loved. But that was not fair. Not rational. She really did miss them in a way, but... things had always been complicated with her sisters. As the middle but yet older sister, things were bound to be complicated. A few rapid blinks betrayed the liquid emotion that was beginning to build up in her eyes. Sadness? Frustration? She didn't even know.
"Yeah," she mumbled. "They're hanging on to m--" No, she shouldn't be saying that. Giving that away. Wrong phrasing. She tried again. "They're fine."
Marcus gave an agreeable hum, closing his eyes and nodding slightly. There were clearly things that she didn't want to tell him, but that was fine. Everybody had their secrets, and he certainly wasn't close enough to Sophia to ask about hers. She had a family though, that was good.
How big was Savannah's family? How many of them did you leave crushed and without a daughter or a sister?
There was another moment of silence as Marcus leaned slightly on one of the bookshelves, his eyes searching around aimlessly. He knew what he wanted to say; it was the same thing he'd wanted to tell Sophia and Lawrence for weeks now. Perhaps he'd been deliberately avoiding them, because standing here right now, he was having a hard time convincing himself to not just drop it. But in his mind, it was important. Something that needed to be said, even if it was simple.
"Hey Sophs..." Marcus said, his voice suddenly serious, albeit slightly quieter. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry."
The sudden change of topic caught Sophia by surprise. Just a moment ago it had been books, but now Marcus had gone and changed the subject. To something that perhaps would have been better left alone in her thoughts, not pulled out into the spotlight. Of course he was referring to Wisford. What else was there for him to apologize for? And why was he apologizing to her? Such an apology could have been given to anyone on the team, not just her. Because Savannah had been part of the team.
Those questions flew through her head, but were soon replaced with something heavier. Memories. Not just of the death, but everything that related to Sav. Even the few memories that Sophia held that related to Sav were too much to handle today, and a tear that had been gathering before slipped down her cheek.
The pictures flashed. Golden eyes. Dark wings. Purple scarf. The scene Sophia had dreamed once resurfaced.
It was too much. Too much. She had been pushing those memories away each day, not letting them get too close. Letting other things take the stage. But now it had been dragged up. She took a step back as her surroundings began to narrow once more, the shelves closing in on her. As that lightheaded feeling suddenly came back. Sav. Savannah. Dead. Snapped.
Still, beneath what the sudden memory overload was causing, something so ingrained that it wouldn't disappear even now prodded her. Apologies have to be accepted. So even as she struggled to find something to latch on to that would take her out, a shaky voice spoke. "It's okay, you shouldn't blame yourself. None of us realized."
"I know." Marcus said flatly. No matter how many times people kept telling him that it wasn't his fault, he still kept some of the blame for himself. The 'if only' and 'what if' questions that plagued his mind every time the subject was brought up.
"But I'm sorry you had to deal with that."
Because she's too young?
Because she's a person. And no person deserves this.
Age had nothing to do with it. Trauma certianly didn't have an ge restriction anymore, and for her part, Sophia seemed to be handling things reletively well for her age. The benefits of a forced maturity, Marcus supposed. If they could even be considered benefits.
The point was, he didn't feel bad because someone her age was being put through this hell of theirs; he was just sorry it was happening at all.
Another apology. Another automated response. "It's okay. It's over." Except it wasn't over. Not at all. It never would be, not as long as those memories remained. Which would be forever. Though Sophia had responded to Marcus's words, they weren't doing any good when it came to pulling her out of whatever was going on in her head at the moment. She still couldn't get the images out of her mind, and now it was showing more visibly. Especially in the eyes. In the shivering hands.
She needed to sit down. The thought surfaced through the current haze, and it was something to do. Lightheaded was never good, especially when it came to her. There was no chair nearby, but in her closed in surroundings she knew that shelves surrounded her. She leaned heavily against one, struggling to draw in deep breaths. One, two, thre-- Another image. "One, two..."
A dark gaze darted from shadowed shelf to shadowed shelf to low ceiling, then to the only still colored thing there was: Marcus. Focus. Brown hair. Hazel eyes. Three scars. Hazel eyes. Not gold. She had this under control. Under control. Sophia's breathing began to slow, her appearance becoming a bit calmer. "It's okay."
A moment of confusion caught Marcus by surprise as he struggled to assess the situation. Dealing with people and trauma clearly wasn't one of his strong suits, but he was at least getting a little better at recognizing it. The shaking hands, the labored breathing, the sudden lean to support her weight; she was having some sort of episode, something like what Siena had.
Obviously; he was making her re-live what was probably one of the most traumatizing events of her life. Of course she was starting to panic. His mind raced to try and fix his mistake. How did Siena deal with hers?
that only lasts as long as there's something for me to focus on.
Something to focus on. There really wasn't anything around here to focus on unless Marcus wanted to shove a book in Sophia's face. Ironically, it probably would have been easier if it were Siena right now. There was an abundance of material for her to focus on.
His eyes darted back to Sophia as she muttered something to herself. She was counting. Good. Trying to catch her breath. She scanned around the room, finally ending at him, as her eyes seemed to trace every part of his face. Him. She was trying to focus on him.
He moved a little bit closer to at least try to help, making sure to keep himself at least in her frame of vision. "Right here, Sophs. Focus on me. Marcus. Everything is okay. You're fine. You're at the library." he spoke slowly and calmly as the attack seemed to fade; as Sophia seemed to regain control of her breathing and start to calm down.
Something else for her to focus on. To take her mind off of it. Books. What better topic for a library?
"So. Fantasy?" Marcus said hastily, quite obviously moving to change the subject. "You like the old 'faires and dragons' type book, or are you more into the newer 'vampires and werewolves' type of fantasy?" His tone was slightly stressed as he spoke - similar to that of someone who was being held at gunpoint or something. Forcing himself to make small talk, while also trying to make sure Sophia was okay.
Sophia focused. Marcus's voice reached out to her, something she could focus on that was more than an apology. She breathed. She counted. She would be okay. Okay. The lightheaded feeling and the shakiness in her hands would take a while to fade, but she was beginning to feel better, pushing those memories away. Now though, she was now in a strange rare state where she calm enough to string words together well enough, but still flustered enough to not worry as much as she usually did about how whatever she said would be accepted.
So when Marcus spoke, she responded in a way that was different from usual. She took the question and really answered it, focusing more on each word that was said now than the future. "Fantasy is just one type that I can like." She let out the rest of her breath slowly before continuing. "But... a bit of both those options work. It depends? I like any book that is written very... realistically. Not just action. I need very deep and complicated characters, and everything needs to be there for a reason. I need to be able to trace their actions and decisions all the way back, and I want to be able to understand why." She took another slightly shaky breath before continuing, eyes still locked on Marcus's face. "And I hate perfectly bad or good characters. There needs to be a good reason for why they turned out a certain way, they can't just be bad because 'it's great to conquer the world and enslave all to my will'. And--"
Then Sophia stopped suddenly, because she finally realized what she was doing. Her breath had steadied enough to calm her mind down, meaning that she was now very aware of what had happened in the past few minutes. Too aware. She immediately looked away from Marcus, a flush creeping into her face. "Sorry-sorry-sorry," she whispered. Shit shit shit. What had she done?
"Hey, hey. Woah." Marcus said, slightly taken aback by Sophia's sudden barrage of apologies. He'd been trying to listen very intently as Sophia spoke about characters and the like, trying to make her feel at least comfortable with talking while she recuperated. It was interesting to hear someone talk on about a subject they were deeply interested in, something that Marcus suddenly realized he hadn't heard much of despite his friendly standing with most of the people in their class.
Everyone had to be passionate about something, and it seemed like he hadn't heard anybody really go on like Sophia was.
"Relax, you're fine." he added. She at least didn't seem to be having any more problems, just a general fluster about her. "A character who's just evil with no real goals or motivation is like a cardboard cutout just there to get beaten in the climax." Marcus said, trying to empathize with Sophia and put her a little more at ease. "And a good character with no flaws has nothing to overcome - no arc or anything. They're just a cutout too - but we're supposed to root for them for no other reason than 'they're the hero'. I get where you're coming from."
She had just said twice as much-- no maybe three times as much as she usually did. Blabbering on about characters. Though Marcus told her it was no problem, the gate swung shut and now Sophia couldn't say anything when he tried to continue the conversation. She felt bad, leaving his words hanging there. Really bad. He was trying to be nice. She knew that she should say more, continue what she had started, but she had reached her word limit for the day. Instead, she just nodded. "Yeah..."
The sudden silence was plain to see. There was really no more to add to the conversation, and Marcus felt like he'd done more than enough damage already without risking any more by opening his dumb mouth. He brought himself back to a neutral position, shifting his weight on his leg slightly and rubbing his head.
"But, I've got other places to explore, and I'm sure that I'm not helping you find anything interesting on these shelves..." Marcus said, making an excuse for his impending exit. "Guess I'll see you around?"
And... he was leaving. At least this time, unlike yesterday, she felt a bit better about him wanting to leave. Being left alone to read something sounded like a very good idea right now, and at least there were no unforgivien apologies or misunderstandings between them. Not really. Just a whole lot of words unspoken, and a general awkwardness between them. Which was pretty bad but... perhaps not as bad as it could have been. "Yeah, see you."
