earlymorninstar

[Leave the hurt behind] Raijinslayer x Earlymorninstar [18+]

No problem at all. I know how that feels... ;-; So thankful I don't have any school work anymore. Now it's just long hours in the office. xD

[Leave the hurt behind] Raijinslayer x Earlymorninstar [18+]

Haha seriously. My drunk ass posted last night, so I fixed it up a bit for you this morning... Haha

[Leave the hurt behind] Raijinslayer x Earlymorninstar [18+]

Clara wasn't necessarily sure what she could expect. And yet she had hoped for a more solidified answer than what he had offered her. His own doubt had unsettled her - left her feeling worse in the wake of her own question than she thought she would. He had not reached out and comforted her as she had hoped. Instead, she had curled within herself even as he spoke to her, not offering her words of reassurance entirely, but words that had still made her doubt him and the situation at hand. Could she trust him again? Clara wasn't so sure... She needed time to think and she needed time to breathe.

Clara had wanted it all to go away; had wanted the memory of what she had given into the night before to simply fade away, but it wasn't always that easy. Was it? She had slept with him, or at least a part of him in more ways than one... And yet there was nothing more to say past his admittance and apology that could make her feel better.. At least not at that moment.

She had been curled within herself. Her legs close to her form as her arms hugged herself in a way to keep him out, no matter how much she might have needed him then.,. It didn't matter.

She had sniffles n the comfort of her own embrace, wanting to scoff at his words, but keeping quiet none the less. The itch to find a vice to satisfy the ache shebfely within her was terribly strong as she say there, her world already spinning as she was slowly registering everything he had told her. Clara did not say anything further to Jaden, instead she had wiped away the tears that might have been there before she decided to push herself up. If he could not comfort her, she would find something or someone who could...

"Fuck it.... I'll be in my room..." Clara murmured before wiping at her eyes with the back of her arm before he could notice. Her voice held all of the frustration she felt, laced with something else. Was it disappointment? Perhaps...Would she leave? Probably not... She couldnt stand the idea of a life alone, even if it meant dealing with Jadens baggage from time to time... She owed him the world regardless of the truth that hung between them... She owed him her life.

Even still, she couldn't help the pain and ache that continued to surge through her as she suddenly uncurled herself and stood, cautious to meet his gaze before she turned from him. She would go to her room, yes, but not before leaving the study and heading straight for the kitchen. She had pulled out a bottle of white wine and fought with the cork before she was able to pour it, downing the liquid before she poured it again. The glass was held in one hand, the bottle in another before she headed to her room.

Fuck... Things were entirely screwed up, and she wanted it all to go away. No, she needed it all to go away; for Jaden to tell her it would be alright.., for her to be able to curl up within herself and sleep without a care in the world. Instead, she slipped in her bed with her glass, sliding the open bottle to her end table. Maybe if she started drinking now... She wouldn't feel it come the afternoon...

[Beneath a moonless sky] 18+ [Arista x Earlymorninstar]

The sound of the piano had continued to drift on the air for quite a while, a welcome distraction to the thoughts that continued to plague her. No matter how many times she had numbed it with whatever vice she could find, no matter how much she had managed to store away deep inside, how she could have closed old wounds, it seemed suddenly everything was brought to light once more, taunting her as she knew it would take just as long to fight against now as it had before. The frown remained deeply set on Clara's lips before she had taken another large drink from her glass, wanting to polish the bottle off as quick as she could so she could rush the effects the wine always had on her mind. She yearned for that familiar numbness, the warm sensation that would wash over her and inevitably make her forget just for a fleeting moment until the nightmares reached her again.

She had tried to focus on at least one of the books in her lap. She'd opened it to the first page, staring down at the written words as if they were some foreign language, something she couldn't entirely comprehend no matter how much she tried. She would get through a sentence or two, find herself submerged in word, but then suddenly realize that she'd no idea what she had just read. It was all a frustrating cycle that she couldn't entirely break and it only pushed her to drink her wine quicker.

The absence of his music suddenly had been almost deafening to Clara's ears and amidst her frustration of trying to read, she couldn't help but hone in on the fact that he no longer had been playing. She knew she could ignore it; go back to trying to distract herself but then again, she understood that he must have been going through at least something similar to what she was. He too, had memories awakened by all of this – had to relive every bit of how he had been changed, and she could have easily assumed that it would hardly be pleasant.

Frustrated at her own acknowledgement and the sudden urge to find out if, perhaps, he was alright (she at least owed him that much for telling her even a bit about the night that still remained much of a mystery to her), she had shoved her books aside to land on the floor next to her chair. With a little huff, Clara had leaned down to pick up her bottle, her glass still in her free hand before she had straightened and immediately was headed out of the room and towards where she had heard him playing.

Once there, however, her frown returned as Clara eyed him, nearly curled within himself. Breathing a slow sigh she stepped forward carefully, and without invitation, had sat on the bench of the piano next to him, her hand outstretched to offer her glass of wine that had been refilled. "I know it's probably not the… best of options, but it does help…" She murmured, looking between the glass and him for a long moment.

@Arista

[Leave the hurt behind] Raijinslayer x Earlymorninstar [18+]

It was numbing – the truth suddenly coming out after all of these years both by her own discovery and even now as he spoke to her. She wasn't sure what to grasp; what entirely to feel as he continued to release it, and everything she could have previously thought or understood now had been altered in a way that she felt as if the ground had been pulled from right beneath her feet. Any semblance of worthlessness that she had felt before in her own abandonment had been amplified, especially now that she'd realized she'd been a mere pawn in a plot that was much bigger than her own. The fact that she'd only been sheltered, spared from an inevitable death, due to the fact that she resembled Jaden's late wife had also struck a nerve deep within her, perhaps more than she could have expected. None of this had settled well with her, none of it had made any bit of what she'd learned acceptable, but why she hadn't run straight out of that room and far away from the one who she was supposed to rely on had still been beyond her understanding.

It was harrowing – the truth laid out before her to pick up the pieces one by one in a slow haze of disbelief. Clara hadn't wanted to know the truth – hell, she hadn't known there was more to any bit of the story until her mistake the night before; until she had been consumed entirely by what was held within Jaden. She was bound to find out at least that part inevitably, and she still couldn't believe after all of this time, he had chosen to keep it hidden…

How after all of this time she hadn't a damn clue that he was connected to her sire in more ways than she could have ever guessed.

Without fully realizing it, Clara had found herself pacing – her steps a feverish march back and forth with the energy and frustration and sheer adrenaline that continued to surge through her, begging for release. How she wished she could simply wreak havoc on the room alone – shove past the stacks of books, rip apart anything that lie on his desk. She needed to take it out on something and yet her hands remained busy, fingers curling through her hair, nails biting against her scalp while she tried to contain herself without managing to take it entirely out on Jaden. She'd had issues before – the mere need for isolation over the fear that anyone else could hurt her just as quickly as her sire once had. She pushed Jaden far away no matter how close he had tried to get; she kept herself distant from anyone who could have found themselves within her life… It was safer that way. And now the one person who, regardless of the distance she had tried to put between them after some time of being together, had managed to hurt her even throughout that isolation – she felt unsure, shaken, doubting what she should and shouldn't do while her thoughts couldn't seem to stay in a straight line.

His words might have reached her in the way he had wanted them to at any other time, but as for now, they were mere words to her. She didn't want to hear how she had helped him in a way; how he could have felt towards her after all of this time. She didn't want to let him in; let him know how day in and day out she ached for that companionship no matter how much she drove herself to push it away – especially now where she felt that he'd suddenly dashed it all away, sent it crashing in shards on the floor before her.

"You're wrong." Clara bit out as soon as he continued. "Killing him would change everything… Maybe not for you, but it would for me." She wouldn't have to worry where the hell he was; if he was out there… She had a feeling he still existed, still lurked maybe not close by, but he most certainly wasn't dead. With his death, she'd hoped her nightmares would end, the incessant sleep deprivation that pushed her even closer to the need for isolation; She wanted to make that man feel everything that he made her feel, everything that she tried to numb day in and day out when she managed to drink her nights away. Suddenly it seemed augmented; her sense of crazy, her insecurities all brought to light by the mere mistake she'd made the night before out of her anger over Jaden's neglect… The truth suddenly thrust upon her made her entire world seem falsified in a way… And after a while, throughout all of her anger, came that numbing sensation, that – really after all of this, what else could hurt her as badly? What else could she have to lose?

She seemed defeated in that moment, as if her last words had been spoken with what little energy that she had left. Her gaze dropped from him and fell to the floor for a long moment before her steps had taken her cautiously to one of the smaller chairs that sat before his desk, her body slowly sinking into its hold before she had pulled her legs up tightly to her chest. Her arms had curled around them, keeping herself closed off from him, closed off from anything that could have reached her as she pressed her forehead to the top of her knees. "What am I supposed to believe anymore, Jaden?" Clara's voice had become so quiet suddenly, muffled within her own embrace. "How am I supposed to believe you? How am I really supposed to know what the hell is the truth and what isn’t?"

[Lather the blood on your hands] 18+ UPDATED [Ignore Post Count]

Bumpppp. Always looking! :3

[Leave the hurt behind] Raijinslayer x Earlymorninstar [18+]

Did she entirely expect Jaden to tell her anything further? Not exactly, but if he had anything further to hide, Clara deserved to know at that point. She had been with him for so terribly long, followed Jaden wherever he chose to take her, and after all of this time she hadn’t a clue about the other side of him that she’d so suddenly gotten more than a taste of the evening before. It had shaken her in a way that she couldn’t explain, unsure of the man that begged for her forgiveness for her, having foolishly placed her trust within him. And yet, he had given her no reason other than the night before not to trust him previously. To have this happen after so many centuries were placed between them, she felt more than apprehensive.

But then Jaden had began to speak and it was a distraction that perhaps wouldn’t be as welcomed as she would have liked. Part of her had wondered why he was delving into his past - why he had chosen to tell her of what he’d been before; why he’d chosen to tell her about a wife that she’d had no idea about that he had once lost. But as he continued, as he spoke even further, the connection between him and her had seemed to lie deeper than the coincidence that he had found her that night so long ago and had decided to bring her in under his wing. The mere mention of him had struck a chord within her, made a chill run down her spine and made her stomach swirl even further with the anxiety that continued to grow within her.

Clara had absolutely no idea that Jaden could have held any ties to her sire -- especially ones that could have led him to her on that night.

Her gaze had turned from him then, afraid to see anything that might have lingered in his gaze, and afraid to show too much of the emotions that continued to swirl and dance across her features. Her silence held heavily on the air between them, anxious to hear more and yet wanting to stop him before he’d gotten too deep, before he had said anything that could have changed what was held between them even further than it was already altered. But she needed to know. She had to know everything in order to move forward and in order to decide if staying could have been the right choice for her.

Clara had caught the scent of his blood on the air and for a moment her attention had danced between a pile of books before her to Jaden if only to see the cause for any wound, but she’d pushed it aside all at once as he spoke. She didn’t want to see him as he explained how her sire had been the cause of everything she had met the evening before -- how he’d been the cause for his wife’s fate…

And even furthermore the new knowledge that no matter what she had believed had happened between her sire and herself, she had been meant as a distraction for Jaden, and that was it. A piece meant to throw him off of her own sire’s trail… a mere ploy and nothing else, tossed aside only for his own gain. Clara had swallowed the small lump that had welled within her throat as her arms had crossed tighter around herself, her nails pressing against the skin of her arm beneath her shirt’s sleeves. Jaden had only saved her because she had resembled his late wife -- not because he had a shred of compassion for the fact that she’d been a female discarded. No, he took her in because she made him remember -- all of these years, she’d been a reminder and perhaps that was it. Part of her had wished that he had just left her to die, whether it would be by someone else through her untamed hunger, or even herself -- he should have gone after her sire and fucking destroyed him…

It took a long while for Clara to respond, her body stiff before she had shuffled a bit in place. None of what she had learned had settled within her the way she had wanted it to, wondering if after all of this time - all he saw was his dead wife before him -- if that was what he ultimately wanted after all of this. Fuck -- the urge to dash off and drink the rest of her day away was terribly strong and perhaps after all of this, that was where she would end up. She needed time to think; needed time to breathe… Her sire had not only changed the course of her life, but he’d also altered Jaden’s in an even more terrible way. Her life had been nothing to him; everything she understood was a terrible lie, and she suddenly felt more worthless than she had before.

“...You should have just fucking left me then -- should have gone after that son of a bitch and be done with it already.” Her words were quiet, but Clara did not dare to look at him just yet. Her hands had moved from her arms before they lifted to her hair, fingernails running against her scalp as she pushed her damp waves from her face, her eyes closed as she still tried to grasp everything to its fullest.

“All of that time…. I fucking begged you to take my life back then… But you kept me here out of selfishness…” There came a pause after her words before she finally had looked to Jaden, not only that rage and anger from before held deep within her gaze, but there had been something else. Had it been hurt -- pain -- betrayal? She had hoped to hide all of that just as quick as it came. “I hope to hell you realize at least by now that I’m not her and I will never be her.” She hissed out quietly.

“And to hell with that bastard getting away with any of it.... Even if you’ve given up, I haven’t… Especially now knowing that I was a fucking ploy to keep you from him and that’s all...”

[Lather the blood on your hands] 18+ UPDATED [Ignore Post Count]

Bump.

[Leave the hurt behind] Raijinslayer x Earlymorninstar [18+]

Clara wasn't sure what to do or what would meet her after her outburst. The only thing that seemed real to her, something she could grasp onto easily, had been the anger and rage laced with betrayal and the new distrust that swirled together like a brewing and angry storm. The itch to run, to hurry off and leave him in the aftermath of her fury was terribly strong. Yet, part of her had rather drown herself in drink, curl up in bed, and force it all away as quick as she could, but then again, it was the liquor and that same anger that had gotten her in this mess in the first place. So, Clara had kept herself planted, eager to shift and move in her anxiety, wanting to pace but knowing it would only weaken her own control. She was stiff, her hands clenched into fists as her nails bit down firmly, digging into the palms of her hands while she braced herself for the inevitable outburst that should have come from him. She was ready to fight, ready to argue and kick and scream until she had gotten her point across; until she could get it all out and feel at least partially better that everything within her had been released in a fit of rage until she was too exhausted to deal with it any longer.

And yet she was not met with what she expected, and it threw her off the path that she had so intently set for herself while she'd been in the shower.

It was almost there: the mocking words that he had begun with had triggered her despite the tone that he carried. "That's exactly what you should have done!" Clara hissed out without hesitation. "At least I would have had a goddamn choice! I would have known what the hell I was getting into last night!" She argued, her voice still firm in her resolve that the man before her had hurt her in one of the worst ways, and there was no going back. He was supposed to be the only one that she could put her faith in; the one who had brought her in and sheltered her, put up with every headache and every worry that she could have placed upon him. He was the one out of all of her bouts of insanity, her mood swings, her attitude day by day, who had kept her grounded and brought her back to exactly where she was supposed to be. If she ventured too far, he was always there to draw her home, to bring her back to the reality at hand, to try to keep her own doubts, fears, and depression from swallowing her whole.

And all this had done was to thrust her right back into it; into that twister of fear that perhaps she had let him in too much; she had let him get too close that he was able to hurt her. She should have kept him at arm's length, just out of reach like she did with most others. Hell, she thought she had for a long time; the way she always snapped at him, the way she had shut down any semblance of caring to keep herself isolated in his own home. Clearly she'd slipped up somewhere along the line; clearly somehow he had gotten through some of her walls, for his mere absence and the idea that he could have forgotten about her so easily had triggered her rage and had caused her to wander – caused her to become prey to whatever the hell that was that was buried inside of him.

Her words were silenced as Jaden had spoken again, and she felt her anger waver for a moment. Where had it all gone? The idea that he could have lashed out in his defense was the only thing she had planned to act against. Now that he'd spoken and looked so … defeated in a way that she had never seen before, Clara wasn't sure how to react. His sudden admittance to everything had left a hollow feeling within her, as if all of the air that had built within her was suddenly let out all at once and she was left grasping for something that wasn't quite there. Why couldn't he have just fought her? It would have been so much easier then, so easy to run and lock herself away until she felt lonely enough to come out. The one thing that she had needed and the one thing that she solely relied on had been the trust that he would never hurt her, and it had been the first thing broken, no matter how many years it had taken. She would have rather him admitted it a long time ago, she could have at least prepared herself for something like this, but to have it happen in such a way left her completely vulnerable to him, even more than she'd been in the past. Regardless of the fact that he remembered the night before or not, she had given herself over in such a way that left her feeling used even now – even if it wasn't entirely him who had done it, and that feeling had brought her immediately back to when it all began. It was a feeling that she never wanted to endure again; the reason she kept them all away; the reason she pushed and pushed at Jaden so that there was some distance between them.

But he'd found a way to break through it after all, hadn't he?

Jaden had given her a choice that she hadn't expected; a choice that seemed so final in the way he spoke of it. There had been a tiny part of her that had wanted to take it out of spite; to make him feel the emptiness of her absence, and perhaps it would have been a good choice for a little while. Perhaps she could make it on her own out there, but – she knew that ache would creep up, slow at first, perhaps hardly even noticeable for a long time, but it would be there. Regardless of the anger she felt now, Clara understood that she couldn’t' very well leave. Because no matter how much she had denied it, she needed him just as much as he needed her. It wasn't until now, the way he seemed so detached from the choice he had given her, the way he nearly stripped himself bare for her to see, that she'd even noticed it before.

At the end of the day, Clara had owed her life to Jaden.

No matter how much he had gotten under her skin over the years, how many times she had gotten angry at him for something he'd done or the way he dragged her home, that point had remained firm. For whatever reason, Jaden had taken her in that night. He could have let her die, could have let herself get killed one way or another, but he had taken her in and he had provided for her. No matter how bitter or how difficult she had become, he had dealt with her, put up with her mess and her emotions – who else would do such a thing for her? Especially since she truly believed she was so easily tossed aside…

As Jaden had moved to kneel before her, she felt her stomach sink to her toes. His submission had been foreign to her, so much so that it nearly made her ache when she heard his words, despite herself. How, even for a moment, she could want to make his pain go away was beyond her. How things had suddenly taken a turn and she could no longer muster the strength to lash out was a mystery. But the one thought had still remained and she knew she could not leave him regardless of how much she had felt that he betrayed her with his lie.

"…Stand up, Jaden." Clara finally murmured after a long bout of silence had hung thick on the air. Her voice had wavered, more so than she would have liked it to and her arms came to cross over her chest in a loose embrace only for herself. She had looked away from him if only for a moment, unsure about her decision but understanding that the idea of being on her own had scared the hell out of her as well. She had become so used to him – the only one that had known and understood at least a shred of what she'd been through – and she knew she would never allow anyone else to get that close again. Hell, she wasn't entirely sure she could let Jaden get that close again…

"If you have anything else to tell me, you need to lay it on the table right now." Clara spoke once more, her voice more firm this time as her gaze landed back upon him. "I do not like to be lied to – you know that full well… Because I swear, Jaden, if something like this happens again – I... I can't promise that I'll still be standing here afterwards…" Was that the truth? Clara wasn't so sure… all she knew was that she couldn't go through it again and she despised the emotions that were flowing through her no matter how much she tried to hide it from him.

[Save Me From The Dark] freedomliveson x earlymorninstar

Heylo! Peeking in to see if there was any interest in this still. :3 Thanks!