I found this bit in a journal of mine from three years ago. I get told often that I am rather icy on the outside, but here is something that might make others feel better on a bad day or offer some insight into what makes me tick if you're curious.
Who am I?
I grew up learning one important lesson that would ultimately define me, a lesson by all accounts that took my childhood away from me and forced my to brace myself for incoming storm. I should have been a statistic and should have crumbled somehow against the face of overwhelming odds. To many I choose to be an enigma, but perhaps it is not a matter of being an enigma but why.
The scars that were left in wake my life experiences thus far have shaped me when I was still but soft clay and an expanding mind hungry for learning. I still hunger for learning, but it instead of being bright eyed and optimistic my eyes have dulled. It has by no means made me cold, but rebuilt to be more durable. For all that armor however there is a reason that full suits of plate are no longer in fashion. What protects one also can trap or even impede in the figurative sense of the word.
How does one keep themselves protected against a world that says "You're too young and naive" or "You screwed up your life forever." In truth you don't. It stings; the words, the judgements, and the looks. To endure I told myself for many years I did what I had to do. I walled off my emotions and kept them safe from most that attempted to get too close to me. I live in a reality where there are no guns, only daggers that can stab in the back, but to stab in the back one must be close enough. I didn't let people get close to me. I still don't sometimes.
Trust is hard when you have dealt with a deck stacked against you for so long. You survive each round with guile and hope the other person goes in all in at the wrong time. When they are out of chips you're safe. That view wasn't particularly healthy, but I am over it now. Who am I? A person who learned a hard lesson too young. Envy the calm exterior and confidence, because behind that facade is someone afraid to bleed. Somewhere in there is a person who learned a hard lesson way too young and is still crying, because something was and is still missing.
Just know that even for all the trials I wouldn't do it any other way. It's who I am and while I am not who I meant to be yet, I am getting there. When I get there it will be as a whole person who can trust and love and be the cool and confident person inside and out.
The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
Ernest Hemingway