HangYourSecrets

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

”Rob? Dude, Rob, get up.”

Rob’s eyes opened to see…nothing much, really. Just filthy concrete and a pair of Converse in front of him.

He pulled himself off the ground and blinked a few times. Once his eyes focused, he could make out Lyla, standing above him, arms crossed in the cool weather. He had passed out, face first on the rooftop.

“It’s 11:20, dude. You might want to get back in the bus before Grant ditches you in Ukraine.”

Rob nodded silently, and took the hand she offered out to him, helping him up.

“How’s everyone been?” He managed to ask. Lyla was a new addition to the band’s typical traveling companions, so Rob felt less stressed asking her about the goings-on.

“Fine enough, if you’re referring to everyone other than you and Jane,” Lyla said honestly. “Austin gets around via Tinder dates. Sam is…Sam. It’s hard to get a read on him sometimes. Aaron is cool ever since I firmly explained my boyfriend was back in the states, and I talk to Grant about as much as you probably do.”

Rob nodded. Funny, having to ask about what else was going on in the band. His mental focus had been so much on Jane, Zoe, and Andy, the experiences and lives of everyone else had taken a backseat recently.

“And yourself?” he asked.

“Well…it’s quiet for me. And I choose things that way. I mean, yeah, it’s a bit lonely, but this is pretty much what I chose for myself. And I’m getting to see the world while I do it. How many people can say they did what we have done?”

Lyla was right about that much. It was nice to talk to someone without any….well, any other motives. Just conversation.

Rob and Lyla made their way back to the bus, which began it’s journey soon afterwards. Rob took a moment to sit down on the couch, trying hard to clear his head of the stresses. Jane was surely asleep at this point, and he had no intention of bothering her. He had no real way of knowing how she had reaction to all that had happened. If she had wanted to speak with him again or not. By the text he had received that day (and failed to respond to), she had most likely been less inclined to do so.

“Rob?” Lyla said, interrupting his thoughts. While he had thought to himself, she had gotten ready for bed, and slipped back out into the main room with quite the concerned look on her face.

“I’m not trying to interfere with anything…” she started, “but please don’t freak out.”

…what?

Rob stood up, looking past her, seeing the closed curtains.

“What are you talking about?” he said, his volume almost too loud.

Lyla raised her hands and made a “please keep it down” motion. “Maybe midnight on a bus is a bad time to cause a scene, alright?”

Rob walked forward, slipping past Lyla, and opening the curtain. His eyes first moved to his bunk.

It was empty.

His eyes scanned upwards to Jane’s, which was closed off with the curtain—save for one, four inch space. And in that space, Rob could make out the frail form of Jane, buried deep in the arms of Andy.

He felt Lyla’s hand come upon his shoulder.

“Not here,” she whispered. Rob felt her gently pull him back towards the front of the bus, and he hesitantly followed suit. He was unsure how to describe exactly how he felt.

“Look, I know it isn’t optimal, but—“ she started.

“I’m not sleeping under that,” he said. The familiar pit of anger within him grew. An anger he hadn’t felt this strongly since he figured Lena had leaked Jane’s nudes.

“We’ll switch bunks tonight,” she argued, pointing to hers—the farthest away from the back. “But, you’re going to need to keep your mouth shut until he leaves.”

Rob remained silent for several seconds, before nodding slightly.

“I don’t know how you feel,” Lyla started. “But, in my defense, no one ever does. So please just…don’t….do anything you’d regret. Alright?”

Rob couldn’t speak for fear of shouting. Lyla took his silence, as a yes.

Soon after, Rob scavenged the cupboard on the bus, digging into the back until he found it—Sam’s stash of his prescription Ambien.

He took three times the recommended dose, climbed into Lyla’s bunk, and was out before he could even begin to comprehend how he had felt that night.

All he wanted was a thoughtless night. Fuck trying to figure this out.

—

Sometime around eight that morning, Rob felt a hand slap across his face. His eyes darted open, and he blinked until he could make out Lyla’s form. Behind her, Austin and Sam stood with worried faces.

“Fuck,” Lyla muttered. “We thought we needed to call an ambulance.”

“Hmm?” Was all he could manage to say.

“They’re gone. You can go back to your bunk, now.”

Rob’s mind was completely lost in a haze created by the sedative he had taken. He wordlessly crawled out of the bed and moved over to his own, not saying another word. He was out again in moments.

—

He was awoken again later that morning, although this time by a different form—Jane.

How did he feel about Jane again?

The drug had fully claimed his mind, and the constant awakenings kept it from wearing thin.

He opened his eyes as best he could and tried to listen.

”Andy told me you ended things with Zoe.”

His mind flashed to the moments of the past few days. Zoe’s accusatory language, his binge drinking, and the phone call with his father. Moments of pleasure and pain so tightly wound together. Each day was now even more so a rollercoaster of highs and lows. The tour had fully taken it’s toll on Rob, and here he was, unsure of how or what to say the woman he probably loved.

Even that he wasn’t sure of. The sedative had made it all seem like a long, slow dream.

“I’m not…here, right now,” Rob muttered, pointing to his head. “I took Sam’s Ambien after I found you and Andy…”

Fuck. Bad start.

It was almost embarrassing for Jane to see Rob this out of it. Almost all of the time, Rob was constantly sober. He was the one caring for Jane most of the time, not Andy, and not the other way around. The fact that he found himself in this situation only reminded him of how numb he wanted to feel. How little he wanted to have this conversation right now. He just wanted more time to sleep this feeling off. More time to think.

More time. More time. Always with him—more time.

“Sorry,” he slurred. “That came out…wrong. I just…fuck…it’s been a long few days.”

Understatement of the fucking year, there.

“I’m just tired, J,” he managed to get out. His words began to form in front of him—an honesty not usually transparent surfaced within him: “I’m tired of…myself. I’m tired of this tour and I’m tired of wanting to leave when this is supposed to be the high point of my life.”

Rob thought for a moment, then: “I guess I thought telling Zoe about all of this shit would spare you from having to deal with me. Turned out, I relied on that far too much, and definitely ended up getting what I deserved.”

He tried to rub the sleep from his eyes, feeling them water and nearly pour out of his eyes like tears. Maybe they were tears. Rob wasn’t even sure at this point. “Clearly, I’m stressed out,” he tried to joke. “Otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten myself this fucked up.”

Strange, how he needed to get this out of his own head in order to simply be honest with Jane.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Morning came and went in waves .

Hangovers of this magnitude seemed to keep Rob in a perpetual state of nausea. One of the unrecognized problems with having as strong a stomach as Rob did, was that all the alcohol most people would vomit out would stay in him—and have the added benefit of making him feel like shit.

But the vague sent of vomit still lingered in the air. It wasn’t him, was it? What happened again?

Translucent images of Aaron and a bar faded into his mind. A drive home. A familiar moan of a car horn as it faded into the night. Sights, sounds, and images all in one, yet with no relation to any of the others. None of the pieces formed the whole.

At some point, Rob felt another body lowered by his. The strong sent of more vomit and a strange concoction of other aromas floated about. He could barely manage to open his eyes and see…Andy? Or maybe Aaron?

The figure said something about….dealing with something? Dealing with Vicarious?

None of it registered. None of it stuck. The waves continued to come and go, and a terrible buzzing filled Rob’s head for several hours after.

Finally, Rob crawled out of his bed, trying not to mess with the other person in the bunk. Wait, that was…Jane, right? I thought she was in a hotel. Why is she here?

Rob blinked a few times and moved himself forward, into the restroom.

The figure that looked back at him in the mirror was grotesque. Matted hair stuck to the side of his face, coated in booze and other ungodly substances, most likely. His beard had been unattended to for days, and he could smell food coming off of it. At this rate, he was unsure of whether or not it had been hours or days, but his last memory of Zoe in the rain was too raw to try and dwell on. Perhaps he hoped it had been so long ago.

Rob ran a few fingers in his long hair, and pulled it into a point on the back of his head. It had gotten so long on this tour. Long enough to tie back. Rob groped around; eventually finding one of Jane’s hair ties and tying the long strands out of his face. He slipped a guard on his beard trimmer, and trimmed it back down to a respectable length. He then slipped a beanie over the bun atop his head, hating the look of hair tied back but far too drunk to actually shower without injuring himself.

He slipped on some clothes, and walked out to the front of the bus. Out here, much of the band—including Sam, Aaron, and Lyla, sat around, seemingly waiting for him.

Rob moved without speaking to the refrigerator, pulling out the drink that seemed to have the most caffeine in it. He walked to the couch, and sat with the others.

“We were going to go out, if you wanted to come, Rob,” Sam offered almost bashfully. “There’s a nice park north of town. And it’s kind of a really nice day.”

Rob looked out the nearest window—seeing the rays of the sun shining through the curtains, down unto them. It seemed Sam was right.

“Sure,” Rob said, his voice hoarse. “That sounds great.”

He moved to get up, but struggled—Lyla and Aaron both had to help lift an arm to get him standing—but once he was, he went quietly with the others (minus Austin, who seemed to be missing) and got off the bus.

—

The park north of Kiev was nicer than the one Rob had spent much of his time in only yesterday. The city seemed to be more alive with foliage and greenery than many of the other cities on the recent tour. Where Moscow had stark grey hues, and a few of the other eastern cities before that, a concrete jungle, Kiev seemed too be less developed—and for the better.

There wasn’t a whole lot of talking, either. Rob walked as an observer with his friends and busmates, listening to what had been going on in their own lives as his had taken such a drastic turn. And perhaps they weren’t all happy (Sam seemed to have his own stress correlating to Harold as well), they all seemed managed—happy, and glad to be across the ocean, doing something they loved and being paid to do it.

It was a cathartic outing that Rob had really needed. And as the hangover he was experienced was slowly faded with time, he felt more and more prepared to handle the consequences of the past few days. He made a few arrangements, left the group as soon as he proved he was sober enough, and trekked out of the park and into a nearby coffeeshop.

Zoe was waiting for him here.

Her eyes seemed as dreary and baggy as ever—her typical makeup couldn’t hide the grayness that had filled her in the evening past. Rob, having tried to hide his own physical flaws, knew he most likely looked just as horrid. Which was alright. Maybe it was best if they saw each other in the real light of day.

“Hey,” Zoe said weakly as Rob sat across from her. She seemed ready to talk, but not quite as motivated to begin as yesterday. Perhaps she had come from a long argument with Andy as well. Vicarious was difficult to read at times as a whole, and this recent explosion had done nothing to quell that thought.

“I’m sorry for walking away like I did,” Rob admitted. “That was rude of me. I guess I just needed time to process what had happened.”

“It hurt,” she likewise confessed, “…but I don’t blame you.”

“But we’re too intertwined to simply fade from each other’s lives,” Rob said. “I’m going to see you every day. I’m going to see Vicarious every day. If we don’t discuss things, we could do something we both regret.”

“Yeah,” Zoe said. Her tempered nature and quick fuse were replaced by stoic empathy.

“I’m sorry I involved you in this,” Rob said. “I shouldn’t have engaged if I had known what would have become of it. Even without knowing, I should have figured it wasn’t going to be good.”

“I’m sorry for what I said yesterday,” Zoe said, eyes locked onto the table. “I hope that goes without saying.”

“It does. But I’m glad you said it.”

Zoe looked up to Rob. “We’re not going to be seeing each other anymore, are we?”

Rob shook his head.

Zoe chuckled softly. “I guess I had figured this was going to go the same way my relationship with Andy went.”

“How so?”

“He never had the decency to break things off admirably,” she said. “Not like this.”

She stood from the table, taking her coffee with her: “I hope you figure it out with Jane. Honestly. I really do. I figured that when it had finally come down to a choice, she would be the one at the receiving end of this conversation. Maybe I didn’t know you as well as I thought I did.”

Zoe smiled, then turned away, exiting the coffeeshop. Maybe it wasn’t the prettiest of terms, but it was a good start, and Rob was glad Zoe had been receptive enough.

Next, he lifted his phone from his pocket, and dialed a number.

The other end picked up after three rings: ”Hello?”

“Hey, Dad,” Rob said into the speaker. A long silence followed.

“Hey, son,” his dad finally answered. “Anything wrong?”

“No,” Rob said. “Well—not really. Nothing terrible. I’m…I’m in Ukraine right now, sitting in a coffeeshop, and I guess I figured I should call.”

“Did you want me to pass the phone to your mom? She’s right here—“

“No no,” Rob said. “But send her my love for me, alright?”

“…alright.”

“How are things stateside?”

“Fine enough,” his dad answered. “We’ve been working on a huge middle-management shift for our brokers and—well, it’s a whole lot of corporate talk.”

Rob laughed. “That’s fine, Dad. It’s how things are.”

Silence. Then: “I uh, I keep hearing about you from my friends at work. One of the guys told he his daughter bought a turntable just to play the thing on vinyl. You know they still sell those?”

“Yeah,” Rob chuckled. “Crazy how that came back. I ended up buying a few of them this tour.”

“Well,” his father said, “I don’t have the biggest collection, but I’m sure I’ve got a box in the basement with some. You’re free to have it whenever you get back.”

“Thanks, dad.”

More silence.

“I uh,” his father started, then re-started: “It’s cool that you’re doing this, Rob. I never would’ve thought all that racket in my house would’ve resulted in all of this.”

“Me either,” Rob admitted. “For a while there, I never thought I’d leave California. Now I’m in countries I had to look up to figure out where I am in the world.”

“I know we’re not one for talking,” his father said. “But I’m glad your happy, at least.”

Rob thought for a moment. “Thank you. …I’ve got to run and get some other things done. It’s still morning here.”

“Yeah, yeah,” his father said. “I forgot. Got to go live the rockstar life.”

“It certainly feels like it sometimes. And…thanks, Dad.”

“For what?”

“Whatever you want.”

—

Rob spent the next several hours milling about the city. The silent solitude was perfect for Rob, but not in the usual way. He thought of very little as he admired the different architecture of Ukraine, the people, and the shops around them. A way of life for so many people. Maybe there was a kid around here, playing guitar or pounding the drums. A kid who had only known Kiev his whole life. Someone who wanted to succeed. Someone like him.

After a while, texts filtered in from Jane.

“You don’t have to answer me now, but you have to eventually.”

She was right. But so much had changed in 24 hours. What had she done in the time between them? Was was she thinking? What would they think of each other?

What would come of all of this?

—

Rob walked up to the busses as the sun was beginning to set. He slipped past In Bloom, past Vicarious, and approached the venue that would sit empty for the night. Maybe Vicarious hadn’t cancelled their own setlist. Who knew? It may be a long time before Rob would be admitted back into their lives again.

Rob entered the building, which remained silent for now, and searched around for the staircase. He climbed to the top, found a comfortable enough stop, and sat down.

He pulled out his phone, and sent a text to Austin:

7:45 P.M., Rob: I’m on top of the venue if anyone needed me.

7:50 P.M., Austin: Thanks for checking in.

Rob closed his phone and set it away from his to avoid seeing any more messages. He probably should’ve answered Jane. Or gone into the busses. He should have done so many things.

But for now, there was the roof up here, the cool air of Kiev, and the silence. The silence Rob loved and idolized. The same one he regularly chose over the others. He was certainly guilty of that.

Rob’s eyes closed as he rested his mind, and body.

Funny, how so much could change in just a single day.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Rob found himself sitting on a park bench somewhere slightly north of the city; annoyed at the light drizzle that poured from the sky. He didn’t want to be here.

Rob had fully expected Jane to have marched into the tour bus hours ago. He had waited around, not wanting to miss her arrival and hopefully find some time together. He had been having a small inkling of worry that he had been with Zoe more than Jane. One cryptic text from Jane later, he had far more than just a little worry.

He had texted Zoe soon after, and arranged to meet her here, after she had met up with Andy to talk. Rob had been sitting on this bench for nearly two hours before Zoe finally marched up, face blank and eyes locked onto his.

“Andy says it went well,” she said simply, sitting beside him. “I’m glad to hear it.”

Rob’s mind was on anything but Andy at the moment. “And yours?” He asked.

“Fine,” she said, dead in the air. The way she had said it seemed almost like an afterthought than a real answer. “Andy doesn’t usually take to people like you. I’m just glad it he did—“

“It didn’t seem fine,” Rob interrupted. Zoe’s face dropped a slight bit as he continued: “Jane’s disappeared.”

“Yeah,” she said. He could feel her growing slightly defensive. “An interview or something.”

“How do you know that?”

“She told me,” she said. More short answers.

“Seriously, what happened?” Rob said, nearly exasperated. Zoe was never this difficult to get answers out of. Not with him.

“Nothing, dude,” she said; seemingly fully frustrated with Rob at this point. She reached into her pocket and handed Rob a card. “Just bailed quickly after we had only talked a few minutes.”

“And did you say anything that set her off?”

“Jesus, Rob,” Zoe deflected. “Just ask her yourself if you care so much. I’m sure she could tell you herself.”

“Jane doesn’t just disappear like that,” Rob said. “Something tells me she wouldn’t answer even if I called.”

“Sure,” she said dryly. “If you know her so well.”

“I do. And could you just shoot straight with me?” Rob asked. “Where’s all of this deflective shit coming from?”

“It’s always the same with you guys, isn’t it?” Zoe finally snapped. “I never hear about her when things are fine, but the second she throws a fit, she’s all I hear about.”

“Because I fucking date her, Zoe.” Rob said.

“But why do you?” Zoe shouted back. “All you ever do is complain about her with me. Jane did this. Jane did that. And you spend more time with me than her anyways. Are you even open with her?”

Rob opened his mouth to speak, but the words caught in his mouth. As much as it pained him to admit it, she was right.

She continued: “Just face the facts, dude. I’m not the fuck buddy. She is.”

Behind Zoe, Rob could see a few wandering eyes locking onto them. Both of them were growing louder by the second, but Rob was too heated to let it worry him now.

“You knew what we were getting into,” Rob said. “I dated Jane first.”

“So she knows everything, right?” Zoe said. “All the fucking thoughts and insecurities you dump onto me? Because the way she bolted after I mentioned how close we were seriously seemed like she doesn’t.”

“We’re friends, Zoe,” Rob said. His voice turned cold, and his heart began to follow suit. “We just fuck. That’s it.”

“You’re delusional if you think that’s all this is,” Zoe said. For the first time, he could see her eyes fill with emotion. “And you can blame me all you want for why your relationship with Jane is shit. But you only have yourself to blame.”

Zoe stood up quickly, turning on her heel and facing Rob again. “You really think that sex is all this is? I know you, Rob.” She straightened her body up, putting on a voice: “This wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t so fucking pathetic. Did you really think someone wanted you? Remember that? Because I’m starting to think she was right about you.”

Those were the words Hayden had shouted at him all those years ago. The same words that tore him to pieces; leaving him as broken as he felt in this one moment. Rob had trusted Zoe with that story—with his own insecurity. And she had just thrown it right back into his face.

In the same way he father had, so many years ago.

He was left speechless as she walked away, and did not move for a little while longer. After a few minutes had passed, he moved to the restrooms nearby, locked the door behind him, and shouted so loud, half of Kiev turned their heads.

—

Rob spent several hours marching back to the venue and tour bus in relative silence. In the time since his encounter with Zoe, he had missed a few phone calls from various members of the band, as well as text messages. In fact, the most had been from Zoe—who had left him seven voicemails and had tried to call another nine times. She had left a single text message:

4:02, Zoe: I am so sorry. Please pick up.
Rob was in no mood to return her calls. In fact, he felt very little at all, in the moment.

He knocked loudly on the door of the Vicarious tour bus as soon as his journey had ended. The rain had long since drenched his clothes, and he dripped on the concrete as he waited for the door to open.

Finally, it did—just enough for Trent to slip his head out. “Now’s not a good time, man.”

Behind Trent, Rob could hear the back door slamming shut. Most likely Zoe, who seemed uninterested in having a face-to-face conversation. Fortunately for her, Rob had other plans. He pushed easily past Trent, entering the bus.

“Where’s Andy?” He asked, searching the first bunk he came across.

“Andy?” Trent asked. His eyes looked tired and worn out, and he seemed much more serious than Rob had ever seen him. “I don’t—look, we’re trying to deal with something and I think it’s best if you just left.”

“I need to talk to Andy,” Rob said, completely ignoring what Trent said, facing him fully now. “I don’t give a shit what’s happening. Point me to him and I’ll leave.”

“Where do you think he’s at?” Trent spat out. “Christ, the both of you have done nothing but fuck everything up.”

It was all but confirmed for Rob that Trent had spoken to Zoe and sided with her. Zoe, Rob figured, was in the back, most likely remorseful and regretting how much of a colossal fuck up she had just made with Rob. The text and calls were evidence for that. Trent and Zoe were good friends, and Rob couldn’t blame Trent for being mad at him. For after all, Rob was half the reason Zoe was mad with herself at the moment.

But when it really came down to it, Rob couldn’t bring himself to care.

Luckily, before matters got any worse, the door opened, and Andy stepped in to see Trent and Rob inches from each other. He immediately froze.

“What’s going on?” He asked.

Rob wasted no time: “I need to find Jane.”

“What? Dude, I wasn’t with—“ Andy started, but Rob knew better.

“We just talked this morning about how we were going to cut the bullshit,” Rob interrupted. “So please don’t lie to my face and tell me you weren’t with Jane.”

Andy paused briefly. “She asked me not to tell anyone where she is. She’s in a hotel. That’s all I can say.”

Rob took a step at Andy, causing Trent to immediately slip in between them. Surely Rob didn’t want to fight him. But the anger of being kept in the dark about his own girlfriend had nearly driven him to hit Andy. And that was something he honestly did not want to do.

Silently, he nodded, and slipped out of the tour bus. He heard a good deal of commotion as he crossed the street and entered his own tour bus.

“Christ, Rob,” Austin said as he got up from the couch. A few of the others were also standing around—all of them seemingly waiting on his arrival. “Where have you been?”

“Went for a walk,” Rob said shortly. He figured that as drenched as he was, and most likely how bloodshot and baggy his eyes probably looked at the moment, he certainly appeared to be a cause for concern. “Hear from Jane?”

“Just said that she was fine,” Austin said. “I have no idea where she’s at.”

Sam stepped forward. “Dad won’t tell me where he booked her. We were hoping you knew.”

Rob shook his head, and slipped back into the back of the bus. “I don’t.” He pulled off his shirt and began looking for another one. “I’m going out.”

“Where?” Aaron asked. He had been watching silently for a while now. A friend that had helped him through his first rough path with Jane, he seemed rather concerned about the second.

“Just another walk,” Rob lied. “I won’t be back for a while.”

The rest of the band could only watch and Rob slipped out the door and back into the chilly air.

He had almost left the parking lot, when he heard the loud footfalls of someone approaching from behind. He pivoted in place, blinking the rain out of his eyes, and making out Zoe’s figure as she approached him.

She seemed so much more different than last they had spoken this day. From the mornings calm conversation, to their explosive argument in the park, to now, both seemed as worn and as dead as the other. Funny, how it had all gone so downhill so fast.

“I’m sorry,” she had shouted as she approached, stopping in her tracks a few feet away. She seemed almost scared by him, or rather the way he looked to her. “I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have said any of that. I’m just—I’m sorry, alright?”

Rob said nothing, so Zoe continued: “That was mean, and cruel, and a fucked up thing to say, alright? I don’t know why I brought it up. I just…I wish I hadn’t said anything.”

It was almost strange how similar Zoe and Rob had been this tour. They acted very similar to each other, and both of them seemed as happy as the other had been. And yet now, both seemed very much on the edge of their rope.

“Would you say something?!” She finally shouted, but on deaf ears. Rob turned, and marched slowly off—ignoring her pleas and screams as he did so, until they had been so faint, they might have been drops of rain.

—

Evening found Rob in a local bar—the only one that seemed to attract the tourists and english-speaking population. He had made small talk with the bartender, who seemed a fan of their work, and had gotten her to give him his eighth drink that hour without cutting him off.

It had been a few weeks since he last had a sort of breakdown of sorts. He could distinctly remember the flashes of lights and raging headaches that had come with a cocaine-fueled night out with Mia and Sam. Something that seemed like such a long time ago, but somehow also felt very close. Luckily, Rob had neither the connections nor desire to solicit anything worse than the beer he was drinking. The uncomfortable truth of the matter was, Rob had a tendency to binge whenever he felt as bad as he did in the moment.

The pulsing music behind Rob felt like they were vibrating the inside of his brain, and he turned in his stool to see who was playing. His body felt ill from the sudden spin, and Rob lost his ability to hold himself up on the small wooden seat. He tumbled slowly to the ground, crashing against two other patrons as he fell.

The lights faded in and out of view, and Rob could just barely make out the silhouette of the bartender woman, offering a hand out. Rob tried to mutter a few words of apology, but could hardly get out more than a slurred “sorry.”

He was led quietly to the back, where he could see the bartender making a few phone calls. He was no longer sure of how much time had passed, but eventually, Aaron came into the room, and led Rob down more fuzzy hallways and into a taxi. Once they arrived at the bus, Aaron stopped him before letting him inside.

“You need to get that out of you,” Aaron said.

Rob blinked slowly a few times, trying to focus on what he meant. “How?” He finally managed to ask.

Without warning, Aaron sent a fist straight into and up Rob’s gut.

The sudden shocking blow broke Rob’s typically strong stomach, and he lurched, sending beer across the muddy concrete, looking the same as when he had last seen it. He vomited twice more, before falling to his knees.

“I haven’t seen you like this in years, dude,” Aaron said. “Seriously. Kiev isn’t the safest city in the world. You can’t just leave like that.”

Rob grabbed at his own face, trying to wipe the remaining spit from his mouth. “You….punched me?”

Aaron rolled his eyes. “If I hadn’t, you might have gotten alcohol poisoning. Anything else in you? Dope? Pills?”

Rob shook his head.

“Alright, look,” he said. “Clearly, whatever shit you have going on, you don’t want to deal with it. So I’m not going to ask. But you need to sort this out. I don’t know what happened, but I can’t imagine Jane’s gonna want to come back to you throwing up all over her.”

Rob blinked twice.

Aaron moved over to him, lifting him up. “Alright, come on.”

The two moved into the bus, where familiar faces seemed to watch him as he moved. He was set into his own bunk by Aaron, who left and returned with a trash bag, and soon after, Rob was left alone.

He groggily turned over to look at his phone. Another few missed calls—this time from most everyone in his band, and surprisingly, one from Andy as well. The thought of Jane, somewhere safe and secure, having Andy protecting her, made him sick. The role he was supposed to fill.

And Zoe. The person he had confided in for half of this tour. For so much of his time. Someone he trusted and had grown to care for. She had turned so quickly; so suddenly. Used the information most sensitive to him and used it against him. He had seen her blow up before, in frustration with Jane, but the full force had come at him this time.

For all the conflict in his and Jane’s relationship, he never once feared her doing something so cruel. Jane could be hotheaded, sure. But she never went for the jugular.

Jane was so many things. Flawed, yes, but amazing as well. She had become so caring these past few weeks. So concerned to the point of self-harm about Rob’s feelings and emotions. Having gone so far out of her way to ensure his happiness. Had clearly defined the terms in her own sexual encounters with Andy. Had never developed other feelings. She was so beautifully loyal, and what was Rob? Conflicted. Distant. Hypocritical. Nothing of real merit. Not at this moment. Not when he couldn’t even walk himself ten feet.

Maybe there was one saving grace.

Rob had told Zoe the story of Hayden, sure. Even Jane knew of it—although not in as much detail. But Rob could remember one night, several years ago. On the roof of his and Jane’s old high school. Soon after her mother had died.

Talking about mothers had always been a stressful thing with Rob and Jane. He had always known Jane had problems with her mother, and tended to avoid the topic. With the recent passing, it was perceptually unavoidable.

So Rob told her something he hadn’t told anyone else. Either before or after that night. He told her the real reason that Hayden had influenced him so very much. Because it was not her doing that caused his problems. It was his fathers.

—

It was several hours after the breakup between Rob and Hayden. It had been a short flamed relationship that had burned twice as bright.

Rob was distraught. He had never been emotional before this moment, but could not stop crying. He sat alone in his living room at three in the morning, lost and alone. Unsure of what to do. Too late to try to console himself with Jane, and too early to go out and find others.

His father had woken up to go to work, and was coming through the living room when he saw his son.

“Christ, what was it this time,” his father said, rolling his eyes. “That girl find some other man to leech off of?”

Rob stared at his father with tear-stricken eyes.

“I told you she was an ungrateful bitch,” his father said. “I knew it when she asked you to take her to prom. She wanted your money, son.”

“I cared about her,” Rob tried to say. “So. Much. I did everything for her—“

“Stop it,” his father said, entering the room. “I didn’t raise you to stay up crying over girls. You’re better than this.”

Rob looked at his father, but couldn’t stop. He was unsure of what had come over him. Perhaps it was the hormones, or the alcohol in his system, but he just couldn’t stop. After a moment, his father swung a hand at his, slapping his across the face.

“STOP,” he roared, but Rob could only look down, unable to see his father eye-to-eye. “What did she tell you, huh? That you’d never find someone? Man up, would you?”

Rob sunk in his seat.

“Christ, you’re such a pussy.” His father finally said, before walking out the door to work. “I’m starting to think she was right about you.”

It was the last honest conversation the two had truly ever had.

—

Rob could remember telling Jane that story. About how it truly felt. About how they had both been let down by their fathers, and how that didn’t define who they were.

Or at least, that’s how he felt then.

Now? Laying here in the bunch, drunk and miserable over his own mistakes?

Maybe Dad was right.

Maybe he was just a pussy.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

“Thanks,” Rob said, glad to hear Jane’s agreement to meet with Zoe. The tension between them was certainly palpable. But another part of Rob would slightly worried at the thought of the two together. What they both know. What they might say to each other. He tried not to think of it.

Luckily enough for him, Rob felt Jane approach him from the side, and whisper a few choice words to him. He was surprised at the approach—she had rarely done so, but she clearly knew Rob. He hadn’t gotten this turned on, this quickly, since Jane and Rob had started to become intimate.

He could hardly make it to the bunks to begin.

—

Once the bus parked in Kiev, Rob got dressed for the cooler weather, slipping on a comfortable bomber jacket over one of his usual t-shirts, and a grey beanie to hold his long hair back from the windy forecast. He was just about to exit the bus when the door opened, and Zoe stepped in, in her usual black attire.

“Hey,” she said breathlessly, closing the door and the cold behind her. She dressed in her usual dark attire. “Looking good, I see.”

“I was just about to head over to see what was going on,” he said. “You’re meeting with Jane today, right?”

Zoe looked around, seemingly unsure of whether or not friendly ears were hanging around. “Mind if we go for a walk, first?”

Rob nodded, and the two of them exited the bus and walked around the block; for a while, neither said much.

“You’re cool with what’s going on, right?” she finally asked, her head locked down to the pavement. “Between us?”

“Yeah,” Rob said. He was caught off-guard by her seemingly sudden question. “Why?”

“I’ve meeting with Jane today, man,” she admitted. “I just want to look her in the eye and be honest without having to worry about some communication issues. And since we’re in this situation, we might as well try to make sure everyone’s alright with the terms.”

Rob laughed slightly. “I was worried about the same thing,” he admitted. For all his thoughts he tended not to think of just how alright his actions had been these past few days since the hotel. The thought of making sure everyone was ok with stuff was starting to weigh on him. “You know, for a casual relationship, there’s a whole lot more to worry about.”

“It all just reminds me of Andy,” she admitted. “When that was a thing. How we were both dumb enough to not talk it out and it ended up going terribly. And I might not be Jane’s biggest fan, but maybe we’ll be on the same page after all of this. I dunno.”

“So ya’ll are going to be friends now?” Rob joked, prompting Zoe to elbow him slightly in his side.

“I doubt it,” she said. “But we can try not to hate each other. I’ve never really talked to her, so this ought to be interesting.”

“Well, I like her,” he tossed out in a sort of no-shit-sherlock tone, “so…”

Zoe laughed, and seemed to try to enjoy the moment. Both of them kept their even pace forward, before Zoe asked: “It’s hard not to develop feelings…isn’t it?”

Rob froze momentarily. The thought of him falling for Zoe had crossed his mind before. It was one of his biggest fears for himself, and was half the reason why he had taken so long to be intimate with her in the first place. He wished things were much simpler. That Jane was a purely emotional relationship, and Zoe was a purely physical relationship. His own empathy was beginning to muddy the waters, and confuse him and others more. And while Jane gave him passion and lust and partnership, Zoe had become another person entirely. Someone he went to for solace. And so much of him felt like that was wrong. Not even to mention how Jane seemed to act differently when approaching lust—something that was entirely Rob’s fault.

Fuck, it was all getting to be so much to keep up with.

—

It had just started to rain on the tour bus when Zoe and Rob split off—Zoe to meet with Jane, and Rob to spend his lunch time in solitude, on the bus. The droplets struck his face and he ran to the bus, to seek some sort of refuge from the confusion and the rain.

Grant was fast asleep (luckily he had purchased ear plugs to ignore their constant roving around), and the others were out catching a film, leaving Rob to call a local sub shop, and having them deliver a sandwich to the bus. He was halfway through it, when the door opened, and Andy slipped in.

“Hey, dude. I guess you can say Jane inspired me. Let me know a time, and we’ll grab a drink.”

Before Rob could even respond, Andy had slipped away again, and his mental silence was shattered. He had known Jane and Andy talked, surely. Rob and Zoe talked almost as much as Rob and Jane these days, and Jane surely wasn’t sitting around when Rob was busy. Andy and Rob had hardly spoken, and the prospect of trying it out was probably the same was Zoe had felt earlier about meeting with Jane.

He felt like he’d be a hypocrite if he didn’t take up the opportunity.

Rob opened the door and called out to the departing Andy:

“Hey, no one’s here, if you just wanted to come in.”

Andy seemed to hesitate, and turn around, moving quickly to get out of the rain.

Here went nothing.

—

Several minutes past, and Andy and Rob were talking about mostly nothing. Different opinions on the tour, what latest thing happened on the news, and a whole host of other things—all of little importance. Finally, by the third beer, both of them were beginning to grow more comfortable. Enough so, to finally talk about Jane and Zoe.

“You and Zoe, huh?” Andy asked. “So when did that start?”

“I guess about a week ago, really,” Rob said, looking to his glass. “Me and Jane kind of needed each other’s blessing to get on that. Even though we already agreed on it before.”

“Well, you’re both making up for lost time, clearly,” Andy laughed. “No offense, but it isn’t very subtle.”

“I’ve never really done, ‘subtle,’ I guess,” Rob admitted. “But you probably know both of them well enough to know neither has a very low libido.”

Andy laughed. “Seriously. I mean, Zoe might not have been as forward with me as with you, but she’s not one to deny.”

It felt a bit wrong, the two of them discussing the sexual lives of Zoe and Jane. But, to be fair, at least they were talking. Rob tried to avoid thinking of that sort of thing in the moment.

“I’m just glad we’re talking, finally,” Rob admitted. “I didn’t know if there was a thing between us that needed to be said. I know you and Zoe were a thing at one point, too, so I didn’t know if that was a problem.”

“We’ve both slept with the same two women at this point, dude,” Andy said. “Obviously it’s a strange thought, but I’m not mad about it if you aren’t.”

Rob thought for a moment. “I guess I’m not,” he said.

“Look,” Andy started. “We don’t have to pretend to be best friends or anything. That’s fine with me. But if this is going to continue, we should probably stop avoiding each other. And that’s on me as well. So…this is good.”

“Yeah,” Rob said. “It is.”

The two worked a bit off of the subject, and talked about other things for a bit, before Andy excused himself and left the room. Guys typically didn’t have discussions such as they one they had had, and there was a reason they hardly really made progress in the grand scheme of things. But both of them were willing to at least stop the odd silence between them, and Rob was at least glad for that. If anything, it was a first step. Now he would have to wait and see how Jane felt about Zoe.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

The air was thick with the stench of cigarettes and much more. The tables were covered in paraphilia, and Trent was hard at work grinding bud he had purchased the other day. The lights had been dimmed down to next to nothing, and the room glowed red from the tinted lamp in the corner. The air was alive with chatter and Back Stabbin’ Betty by Cage The Elephant blared loudly over the speakers.

Rob was standing next to a seated Trent, beer in hand and halfway through a long story with Vicarious crew members David and Michelle, with Zoe and Matt watching on, amused.

It a week since Rob’s night alone with Jane, and things had only improved from here. Rob’s time with Jane had long since improved from earlier on the tour, and the two seemed to finally be aligned on the same frequency. The unspoken tension between himself and the rest of the In Bloom crew seemed to have also melted away, and his relationship with the Vicarious crew had grown exponentially. It seemed now nearly all of the time before a show, he spent in their tour bus, drinking and smoking, finally growing used to the lifestyle he had always been apprehensive about. Maybe it was the silent acceptance that life would always be so volatile, or simply the need for sedation from the brutal road, but Rob found himself more and more in the moment, less and less locked inside of his own head. And the feeling was great.

His hands had finally healed over, and his playing had grown even more reliable in the meantime. And, his libido, shockingly enough, had grown significantly. And perhaps that was, in part, due to Zoe.

Zoe and Rob, once initially moving forward from being intimate, ended up having sex several more times. In fact, it seemed nearly as often as his intimacy with Jane. Sam had earlier even joked about it, saying back on the bus once that “Rob gets laid more often than he eats.”

So…things were going pretty well. Jane seemed a bit less inclined to hang around the group (as well as Andy, who was noticeably absent from the bus this evening), but Rob felt a more comfortable sense in knowing that the ill will between them had settled.

Perhaps it had taken weeks, but Rob was finally, honestly pretty happy with the setup between himself and Jane. As well as the one between him and Zoe.

As the rest of the crew gathered around Trent’s table to trade more stories, Rob felt Zoe’s arm brush up against him, pulling him towards the back of the bus. The look in her eyes were clear and direct, for what she wanted from him.

He happily obliged, and finished the rest of his beer, before moving with her and closing the door behind them.

“When’s your set?” Zoe asked. She moved to the edge of the bed, pulling her boots off. Rob followed suit, slipping his shirt off and moving towards the music controls for the bus, being sure to crank the volume a good deal louder.

“A little under an hour,” he joked. “We’re gonna need something louder.”

He looked for a moment on the iPod that had been hooked up, and found the sing he had desired: One-Armed Scissor by At The Drive-In. The familiar opening riff caused the now-buzzed Rob to nod softly to the beat for a moment, before turning and climbing onto he bed.

“Holy shit,” Zoe joked, allowing Rob to lower her down onto the bed. “I haven’t heard this in years.”

“I used to blast this shit with Jane and the others,” Rob joked. “Back when I thought we could be a post-hardcore band.”

“I don’t know what’s funnier to imagine,” Zoe shot back: “Jane screaming over hardcore riffs, or you screaming over them.”

“I don’t think you’d want to hear either,” Rob smiled, and pulled into her.

And behind him, the lyrics roared:

Cut away!

Cut away!

—

Afterwards, Rob was backstage, having cleaned up since his time on the bus. He was adorned in a tight, thin grey hoodie, and his usual gym shorts. Funnily enough, he had ditched any form of footwear back on the bus, and stood barefoot as he watched the crowd through the curtains.

Jane seemed to have rubbed off on him yet.

“Jesus Christ, man,”Austin jokingly called out to him, approaching is his usual stage attire. “You don’t know what the hell’s on this stage floor.”

“Jane wouldn’t mind,” Rob joked, looking down at his own bare feet.

But Austin didn’t seemed too amused. “Who knows what Russian diseases are on these floors. We don’t need another Red Scare, man.”

Rob laughed, “Fine. I’ll try not to be a total hippie next time for you.”

“Good,” Austin said. “Got that sorted out. Now if only I could find a way to fuck as much as you so, I’d be set,”

Rob punched Austin in the shoulder, light enough to let him know it was all in good taste. “Get your own sex life to critique,” he said. “There are lots of fine-looking women in the crowd tonight. Feel free to take your pick.”

“That’s just not fair, man,” Austin said. “The musician getting with his fans? That’s just straight abuse of power.”

“When has that ever stopped you?” Rob asked.

Austin paused for a moment, then laughed. “See you on stage, man.”

He turned and moved back behind stage, disappearing from Rob’s sight. Jane swung by quite soon after (surprisingly not barefoot), and the two quickly pulled into an embrace.

”If it gets any colder on the bus at night, I’m moving into your bunk permanently.”

“I’m surprised it’s taken you this long to move,” he said with a smirk, and slipped a hand into her hair. After a crew member rudely shouted them onstage, he pulled back. “Showtime,” he muttered.

—

Rob played this portion of the show as well as he could without overdoing it. For the sake of his healing hands, he’d grown more and more technical with his playing, minimizing any moment that wasn’t necessary to play the notes. He was sure it wasn’t as fun to watch, but it was hard to act like you’re having the time of your life, when you have it six nights a week.

After the show had ended, Rob took a towel from the nearest stage hand and pulled out his phone. He texted as he mindlessly helped pack up over the next half-hour:

—

11:29PM, Zoe: Want to come by after the show?

11:34 PM, Rob: Think I’m going to take the night off. I don’t even know where we’re going next, I get so little sleep.

11:39 PM, Zoe: Kiev.

11:47 PM, Rob: I’m pretty sure that I failed World Geography in High School. Forgive me.

11:59, Zoe: Well shit. Guess who just texted me.

12:05, Rob: Jane?

12:07, Zoe: Yeah. She wanted to meet up sometime. Says we started out wrong.

12:09, Rob: Please do that.

12:12, Zoe: I guess I probably should. I’ll ask her when she wanted to, I guess. But it’s not like you’re best friends with Andy, either.

12:15, Rob: The guy looks like he’s constantly wanting to kill me.

12:18, Zoe: You’re not half-wrong. Going to bed. Night.

12:19, Rob: Night.

—

Rob rolled his eyes as he slipped the phone back into the pocket. While it was true that Zoe and Jane never really spoke, the same was equally true with Andy. A part of Rob figured that he was Jane’s go-to person when Rob was being unsavory, but the same could be argued about Zoe as well. Both of them were tied together to these two people—he’s sure both he and Jane probably said the wrong things at some point. Maybe that fueled it. He didn’t know.

What was more ambiguous was Zoe’s relationship with Andy. The two seemed to talk when they could, but it was always nearly out of sight. And Zoe never spoke about Andy unless it absolutely had to come up. And when Rob brought it up, Zoe typically ended the conversation then and there.

He was less concerned about whether or not the two were romantically involved, and more worried about what the two might talk about. Or it they talk about him and Jane.

It was strange, but he tried not to worry about it.

Jane had texted him as he had finished the last of the work as was moving to the bus, and Rob showered knowing she’d be waiting for him in the bunk. He crawled into bed soon after, pulling the joint from her hands and taking a drag.

“That’s probably a fire hazard,” he said softly, finishing it off. The desire to sleep was strong, and stronger now that he was fully used to sleeping with Jane. Almost to the point where insomnia would kick in each night they occupied separate bunks. He gently lifted her from how she lay and pulled her in close, slipping his hand it it’s usual position.

“We’ll have to switch instruments if you keep blowing your voice out,” he joked in a whisper. “You can have the blisters and I’ll have the shredded voice.”

Rob’s eyes softly closed as he moved his head closer to Jane’s. “Wouldn’t that be something?”

And moments later, Rob slowly fell asleep.

—

Rob found himself on the couch the next morning, having gotten up long before Jane, sometime around eight in the morning. The drive across Europe was taking longer than anticipated. Typically, he would be free to roam whatever city he was at, but he could only watch as the Russian landscape slowly subsided outside of his window. They had gone as east as possible, almost crossing into Asia. Now began the slow craw back westward. Towards home.

The idea seemed like a strange one. That they had gone so far to the east, they had almost gone west. Here, halfway across the world, enjoying fame they were told more of rather than saw, sitting on enough income to record the next record in a nice, official studio.

Absentmindedly, Rob pulled out his phone and moved back in the bus to the bunks. Each curtain had been drawn, so taking the opportunity, Rob took a quick selfie with the closed bunks in view, and promptly it on his Instagram with the caption:

@Rob.Pennie Moscow, you were great! The rest of the crew is still recovering, but we’ll be in Kiev tonight, rested and ready. Come on out if you’re in the area.

While it felt disingenuous, the new Instagram for himself and some of the other members was a part of a deal with Harold to “draw more social media attention.” And, to be honest, it was pretty effective. Within a minute, 300 people had liked the photo, with a few comments from people attending tonight.

Satisfied with his daily entry online, Rob moved back towards the couch, but couldn’t help but feel suffocated by the fact that they were still driving. He moved forward, to talk to Grant.

“Hey man,” he said, wiping the tired look from his eyes. “How much longer until we get to Kiev?”

“Four hours, probably,” he said quietly. “We got stuck in Moscow traffic for a while when you guys were asleep.”

“Thanks,” said Rob, who moved back towards the couch. He let out a moan, and instead of perching on his usual place on the couch, he opted to lay down on the floor of the bus with a loud, exaggerated groan, laying face-down in front of the couch, instead of on it.

The cabin fever from being on this bus was strong, and he was in the Vicarious tour bus so often, we was beginning to get cabin fever in there, too.

The sooner he could get out of this bus, the better.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Being able to relax and cook like this seemed to be something Rob needed. There was such an inner piece for doing so, and the taste of food that he had made himself was something that was oddly cathartic.

The evening continued to relax, and it seemed to do, with cuddling and joints. It was something they seemed to enjoy doing together, and other of the things the had done as a couple that Rob had sorely missed in the days here in Europe.

And so they watched the television, comfortably, together, and in silence. Words weren’t necessarily needed in times like this. But, as the evening progressed, he could feel Jane gently begin to tense up in his arms. And she might not have said anything up at this point, but body language could not lie. What was bothering her? I thought we had cleared the air. At least…for a night.

Soon, she seemed to press herself into a pillow, frustrated at what she wanted. It only could bring more guilt to Rob. The more time passed, the more he began to regret telling her about his stress concerning their sex life. Rob was a guy. Sex was sex and sex was great. But…it was also something more for him. It always had been. He knew it and she did as well.

But something seemed deeply, deeply wrong. She raised her head, trying to hide her tears from him to no avail. The stresses of the road which had dissipated from Rob’s mind seemed to linger in hers. And there was little he could do for her to fix the problem—something he desperately wanted to do for her.

“It’s alright,” he said first, after she had finished, but couldn’t find other words. Slowly, he reached out and pulled her to him, resting her head on his chest, feeling her atop him. “You don’t have to say it’s PMS. I understand.”

Which, as it was, was a lie. He couldn’t, nor could he ever, know fully what was bothering Jane. He only wished he did.

Rob continued: “Look, I know I just said this literally a few hours ago, but I don’t want you to think I don’t want to be with you. I know…” he sighed. “I guess I just wanted us to talk more and picked something easy to blame. That’s myopic of me.”

Rob sighed. “We’ve both apologized for enough this evening, yeah?” He lifted her head to his, and couldn’t help but kiss her. “And I’m glad we did this too.”

Part of his paternal instincts had kicked in that night, and Rob was beginning to realize it. It was nice to say that everything was going to be ok, because it was a good thing to hope for. But…he was just as stressed and worried as she was. He couldn’t take back sex with Zoe, but what was beginning to plague him was that he had wanted it. That Rob could never have meaningless sex. Like with all things, he made it mean something.

A part of him wanted to discuss it. To tell Jane about how it freaked him out. How terrible it was that he had done that…and enjoyed it. Jane’s relationship with Andy was not enjoyable, but Rob felt comfortable in Jane enough to not worry about emotional infidelity. But himself?

It was all so new and confusing, and seeing Jane admit her own fears and weaknesses make him remember his own.

—

Several hours passed. The moon had long since hit it’s peak in the Norwegian sky, and was beginning to set again to start the next day anew. The next leg of their journey. As a band, as a couple…really as themselves, or so it seemed.

Rob found himself restless, and had left his bed to have a smoke on the balcony. They weren’t very high up, but the empty streets so far below seemed so distant and far from him.

The air that surrounded him sent a barren chill up his spine, how cool it was in comparison to the summers back home. There was a tinge of frigidness here in Norway, even here in the dead of summer. A lingering sense of distance, nearly.

He scratched at his hair, and noticed how long it had grown since the beginning of their journey. The back strands crept at his shoulders now, and he could very nearly tie it back. A physical sign of how far they had come. But the air was a continuing reminder of how far was left to travel.

It felt very much like a inflection. A turn. Just as aimless and wandering as ever, but with some renewed self of sense. And a greater sense of understanding.

The problem was, Rob didn’t want to continue on from here. He wanted to stay in this hotel room. On this balcony. With Jane, and nobody else. Away from the job touring had become, away from the world that seemed to push them apart.

Or maybe the world that showed them how different they were. How incompatible this all was.

The entirety of the tour was a sea of worry. Rob had spent so many moments, hours, and days like this, to where the words seemed to repeat themselves in his mind, and the worries etched into his brain. But it never seemed to cheapen their impact.

Rob slipped inside, drawing back into bed with Jane. Back to where things in fact, were easier. And were simpler. His eyes shut as he pulled her close to him once more, and his eyes rested; into a light sleep. Light enough to remember how amazing things felt in here.

And how cold the air was beyond them.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Rob’s low-flying panic attack had quickly subsided, leaving him with a terrible confusion. Why had he been so fearful to discuss this before? Why did he feel so terrible when it had come up so fast?

Jane approached, seemingly trying her best for apologize for being so forward sexually. It was one of the things Rob hated discussing, because sex with Jane had always been some of the best he had ever had. But he couldn’t shake off the feeling that, at least in the past few days, that his only interactions with Jane were sexual, and it was not the reason Rob desired her so much. Long conversations alone in her room, discussing everything and anything and nothing, all at once—that was what drove them here. What drove him to be with her like this in the first place. If he was honest with himself, the past few days felt more like being casual with Zoe than with Jane. And it was not a feeling he was comfortable with.

“I feel so terrible for admitting that,” he admitted. “About the sex thing. It’s my fault I forget it’s how you’ve expressed yourself for so long. I don’t get why I can’t just be like other guys and not complain that I get laid so often with you.” He laughed to himself at the statement. “I guess I just miss the normality so I blame that. Which, again, isn’t right of me.”

He took her hand and raised to his own two feet, slowly getting back to his old self. His own ways. Even just this quiet moment of solidarity with Jane was enough to remind him of what was important. Of what he should have been fighting for.

“I want you, Jane Molloy,” he essentially declared. The words felt so incredibly greedy in his mouth, but he hoped she would know what he meant. “Physically, yes, but romantically as well. Maybe if I just admitted that for the both of us, a lot of this shit would pass.”

It sure wasn’t a line he could see Ryan Gosling using, but it was what Rob had. It was how he felt. He moved forward, pulling Jane in for a hug, feeling her warmth, missing her. And for this moment, that lingering feeling of Zoe being in the room with them faded away, and Rob felt finally together with Jane for the first time in such a long time. No matter how fleeting this would be, it was peaceful, and it was what he wanted.

A part of him he had barely recognized soon came forth. He lifted Jane from the ground easily, pulling her into her arms, carrying her into the bedroom. Something about the swell of honestly, the solitude both had together in this room, and the madness of events that took place outside of it, triggered something in Rob. Because he knew that the ebb of flow of their relationship would surely come again. And perhaps it always would. But this trip, this tour, everything…everything seemed so small and sparse from here. So distant and meaningless. Everything that mattered was in here, with him, on the sheets of the bed. And he could never know when the tide was going to turn again.

So fuck it.

—

Afterwards, Rob cleaned up quickly and was surprised to find that this hotel had been fully stocked for them. Perhaps it was a peace offering from the hotel, or maybe from Harold, but either way, the surprise was not wasted on him.

He decided that instead of bothering to go out for dinner, that the two could just cook it themselves. Rob had never been much of a cook, so flower and oil seemed to continuously spill onto the countertops as he worked, trying to fight their way onto the floors below.

Rob had suggested the two make pasta as a base (since, to be honest, Rob had no idea what the hell he was doing) and work from there to add things to the meal. In the cabinets, Rob had found Alfredo sauce, thawed sausage and even some frozen shrimp he was desperately trying to de-thaw. He was currently trying to stir sauce to the beat of Mona Lisa by Colour Revolt which played on his speaker behind him—cycling through favorites of his and Jane’s.

And sure, the whole affair seemed like a generically romantic thing to do, but to be fair, he was hungry. And being able to spend this time with Jane alone was something he planned to take full advantage of.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

The interior of the hotel room seemed nice enough, but the idea of being so alone with Jane again felt much better than any room. It was something he really had grown to miss, and on top of all of the madness that seemed to surround him and her recently, this seemed like that they may have needed.

There was hope here, and as Jane hopped onto Rob, there seemed to be pleasure as well. Maybe they’ve be able to move on from this funk, and just manage to be friends again. Be what they always had wanted to be in each other’s lives.

…and then Jane jumped out of his arms.

Rob looked down, at first confused as to the sudden cease that had taken place, but then he saw what she had; a mark Zoe had left just hours ago. A panic swept over him, and he placed a hand on his head.

“Fuck,” he muttered, leaning back on the nearby wall.

How did he not see this coming? Not only had it been foolish of him to even subconsciously not talk about this with Jane, but thinking that this evening, this time they would be spending together, could be normal without discussing what they had been doing with other people? It made no sense.

”I slept with Andy,” she came suddenly, confirming Rob’s fears. Perhaps he hadn’t fully accepted it, or perhaps he knew it was coming all along, but something about hearing her say it felt so terribly bad. A feeling he knew he had no right to feel, considering what had taken place just this morning. In a sense, he felt anger at himself for feeling anger at Jane, and was so quickly taken for a loss for words. He didn’t know what to do or what to say. This situation came so quickly and suddenly for him, with no thought or preparation. So he simply waited to hear what Jane had to say.

As she finished, Rob felt himself sliding down the wall with his back, and ended up sitting on the floor, back against the wall. From this position, he looked up to Jane. He saw her struggling to tell him how she felt. How she just wanted to be clear on things. To be on the same page.

And what could he have told her? I never wanted to be casual, but you got so suddenly distant so I latched onto another person? It was so hard to just admit the truth of the matter; he and Jane hadn’t been very close at all. Not since the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame could he say they truly had a great moment. Intimate moments, maybe. Moments where they admitted what they were thinking, But true happiness? It had been a long time since then.

It was the road. It was the bands. It was them. It was so many things at once. Rob hardly knew where to start. Here Jane was, acting as he would. Desperately trying to talk it out. And all Rob had wanted for this day was not to deal like this. To have a happy moment again.

“I was with Zoe,” Rob croaked out. His eyes were leveled out, staring holes into the floor by Jane’s feet. “I knew you figured that, but I guess I’ll just say it out loud for both our sakes.”

Rob tried to look back up to Jane again. “I don’t know, J. I mean, I didn’t initially want this. I told you that in the states. The only reason I had asked you for that was cause in some fucked up way I thought it was what you wanted. But now? Even having agreed to be like this, I feel like the only time I see you is when we’re intimate. And, I love when we’re intimate, but…the only time we talk is when we’re physically together like that. Every other time…I don’t know. It’s like I’m playing a guessing game.”

Rob sighed and looked back down. “I guess that’s what I’m thinking right now.”

For for the first time in a while, he couldn’t think of anything else to add. So he merely waited. Lord knew the extent of what they talked about would take a while to really sink in for him.

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

The low crackle of thunder shook Rob’s bunk ever so-slightly, causing him to stir from his light sleep. He had felt Jane leave what seemed like a hour or so ago—off to interview with Andy.

He pulled himself from the bed, not bothering to look around for any others, and took a quick, cold shower to awaken him from his haze. Afterwards, he realized that—besides Grant—no one else was in the bus.

Something about the weather outside seemed to affect him—the dark, moody gray skies kept him from really feeling like he was here, in Oslo, supposed to be enjoying a break from the stresses of the advent of this new tour.

Rob dressed in a dark, long sleeved shirt and black jeans, and set out to quickly redress the bandages on his hands. Just as he was finishing up, he could hear the door to the bus opening, and Aaron’s voice calling out: 

“You up, Rob?”

“Yeah,” he called back. He finished with his bandages and walked to the front of the bus to keep the noise down, for Grant’s sake: “What’s up?”

“We were all out eating breakfast,” he said. “We were about to go look around Oslo, if you wanted to come.”

“Thanks, but, I’m alright,” Rob said. “Have a good time.”

He had turned to head back for his bunk, but Aaron didn’t seem to want to let him off so easy. “We’re all trying to make the best of things, man. It would help if you did to.”

“Like I said,” Rob answered, not bothering to turn back, “I’m good. Don’t let me stop you from having a good time.”

Rob could hear Aaron mutter something to himself before leaving, but was unable to make out what was said. Surely, it was something to the effect of “why are you being this way?”

Aaron was a friend that wore his emotions on his sleeve, and Rob could easily tell he was growing frustrated with him. And could he blame him? Rob (and Jane, it seemed) kept spending less and less time with rest of the band and crew. Their time was split between interviews and time with Vicarious, and what little time was spent with the band was usually spent sulking.

Who knows? Maybe Aaron was hoping that this hotel break would be helpful for the band as a whole to wind down for a bit. To be honest, Rob was hoping that too.

He tossed himself on his bunk and tried to relax, to no avail. He pulled out his phone from it’s pocket, and scrolled instinctually down to Zoe’s name:

9:22A.M., Rob: What’s up?

9:24 A.M., Zoe: Nothing. Come over.

—

Rob crossed the venue’s parking lot and found Vicarious’ bus door open. He let himself in.

Inside, Rob walked down the hall to the usual back door, which he opened to find Zoe and Trent talking on the bed. The overhead lights here were turned off, and a few glowing lamps illuminated the room. The air was thick with pot smoke, and Sue (Or In a Season of Crime) by David Bowie droned on rhythmically in the background.

Rob tossed himself on the bed next to them, and the three talked again, as comfortably and lightly as they had done back stateside. There was a quiet comfort between the three of them, and there seemed to be no need to censor or mince words. It was the kind of way Rob wished he could interact with his with bandmates.

“Where are the others?” Rob asked after Trent finished a story on their guitarist. “Everyone in my bus keeps disappearing.”

“Probably dicking around in Oslo,” Trent laughed between drags of his joint.

“And Andy’s with Jane,” Zoe added in. She slipped out her phone, scrolling down to a livestream of the radio station. “Let’s see what’s going on.”

The music paused, and for a good minute, the three of them listened to Jane, Andy, and Alexander go off about different things. After it seemed like they were going into information everyone already knew, Zoe switched back to the music.

For a bit, the three of them didn’t make much of a comment on what they had heard. Rob in particular turned his head to the window and looked out to the falling rain.

They way Jane and Andy talked was, in a way, similar to the way Zoe and himself talked to each other. That they had grown close to each other. Possibly very close.

“I’ll be right back,” Zoe said suddenly, rising from the bed and getting into the backroom. Rob could hear the loud sink faucet cut on, even with the music playing.

“She’d mad at me, isn’t she?” Rob said after she had left, looking to Trent.

“She’s frustrated, for sure,” Trent laughed. “She and Andy haven’t been on good terms recently, so that definitely plays into it. But…mind if I ask you something?”

Rob nodded.

“What the fuck is holding you back, man?”

“What do you mean?”

“Ok, look,” Trent continued. “I’m just going to lay it all out there. I know Andy well enough to know he’s either already fucked Jane, or is definitely planning on it. And the impression I seem to get, is that they both clearly want to do it. So what’s the point in torturing yourself and Zoe because both clearly want to fuck?”

Rob didn’t respond at first, so Trent continued: “I’m not in your relationship. I can’t tell you what or what not to do. But I’ve been told it’s a pretty casual relationship. So fucking go casual. There’s no point in agreeing to that shit if you’re not going to take advantage of it. And there’s no point in constantly hanging around Zoe if you’re not going to tell her what you even want when you know she wants more.”

“It’s complicated, Trent,” Rob said. “I didn’t want to deal with this. I didn’t want to get casual with Jane in the first place. And I don't want half of my band fucking half of yours. Zoe already hates Jane, and Andy and I don’t seem to get along either. The deeper in this shit I get, the more I feel like I’m running the risk of tearing both of our bands apart.”

“Honestly, dude,” Trent said, “You’re giving yourself too much credit if you think you’ll ruin either of these bands. We’ve almost broken up a half dozen times without any outside help. So don’t worry about us. Do yourself a favor, and stop thinking so much.”

Trent stood up from the bed. “I need to go meet a contact in Oslo about resupplying. I’ll lock the bus doors behind me. But I need you to do me a favor, and stop torturing Zoe. Because I’m getting sick of watching it happen.”

Trent walked quickly to the door of the bedroom, closing it behind him. Outside the window, Rob could see Trent pull the hoodie over his head as he dashed for drier ground.

It was the first time he had seen Trent angry. A bit frustrated, yet, but angry?

Trent was his first friend from Vicarious, and his first real friend that he had made on the tour. Rob and Trent respected each other, and hearing Trent mad at him was certainly something to think about. Because the truth was, Trent was right.

Rob was beginning to be unfair to Zoe. He had been hanging out with her constantly, knowing what she wanted, and never being clear about what he wanted from her. She had become someone to talk at, and not to. And, likewise, Jane was becoming someone he seemed to only be physical with these days.

It was the opposite of how he had figured this “casual” relationship would go. So why was he fighting to make it continue on this way?

Rob’s relationships with everyone had really deteriorated over the past few days. From the radio silence from Jane to his self-imposed alienation from his bandmates, and now Vicarious’ own frustration, Rob hadn’t done much good for others. For someone so seemingly concerned with other people’s opinions and feelings, he certainly wasn’t doing a very good job at maintaining them.

He had figured he had learned something this far into the tour. That his constant ability to overanalyze a situation into oblivion was only serving to hurt people.

So, what the fuck was holding him back?

Before he could answer himself, the door opened, and Zoe slipped back inside. She was dressed in a long T-shirt and shorts, and her raven hair wove out from her hair in tangled knots. She sat herself gently at the foot of the bed before asking: “Where did Trent go?”

“Something about getting more supply,” Rob answered, but he was still distracted. Had she been wearing that before she went to the bathroom? Why did she seem so much more vivid that before?

It was like Trent’s discussion had opened Rob’s mind to Zoe fully. He had always known she was attractive, sure, but he was suddenly so drawn to it. Her deep green eyes. Her clear pale skin. The curves of her body. All of it.

Rob moved slightly closer to her on the bed. “Look,” he said barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry I’ve been a bit of a shitty guy recently. I’ve just got…too much shit on my mind sometimes.”

Zoe’s own eyes seemed to flutter with the sudden and unexpected forwardness. She too inched closer to him. “Took you long enough,” she jokingly said.

Rob’s mind flashed quickly to Jane, and his own relationship with her. The hotel they would be sharing tonight. The intimacy they would surely have. Would she know? Would she care?

Rob and Jane had spoken so briefly and so shortly this tour. The person he once felt like he knew more than anyone else seemed more like a person he was trying to remain on good terms with. Instead of emotionally being with her while being physical with other women, things seemed to be the opposite these days.

And Rob was going to reverse that. Starting now, with Zoe.

Rob slipped his hand into Zoe’s hair, pushing the jet-black hair back, grasping at the back of her head.

“Do you want this?” Zoe whispered out, her head moving closer to his. Without answering, Rob kissed her, and lowered her body with his to the bed.

“Yes,” he finally admitted to himself and to Zoe.

He did.

—

Afterwards, Rob had left Zoe to sleep in the bedroom, and walked down the street to a local coffee shop in town. The rain the fell above felt great on his skin, and he didn’t even quicken his pace to outrun what was coming down from above. By the time he had arrived, he was soaking wet.

Getting a coffee, and moving to an open window, Everybody Does by Julien Baker played softly in his earbuds as he watched the rain from indoors.

He enjoyed this time of peace. Quiet moments of solitude where all other aspects of his life were filled with chaos and disorder. Something was always nice about being alone.

After enough time had passed, Rob checked his watch to see that it was almost noon. An hour or so ago, Jane had returned from her interview. And it was time to go back.

—

Back at the bus, Rob’s entire demeanor felt slightly different. He walked with more of a quiet confidence. He felt more energized and excited. Something about what had happened was…good. And while nothing good lasts forever, forever was certainly not today. And thankfully, he was excited for tonight. His night with Jane.

Rob pulled a beer from the fridge and sat down heavily next to Jane.

“Awake yet?” He asked her jokingly. “Where did you want to eat?”

In Bloom [HangYourSecrets x megatrash] [18+]

Rob found himself in the green room of the venue soon after drinking a cocktail of energy drinks and cheap beer. To his surprise, however, this green room was shared by both bands, as opposed to each band having their own separate space.

In here, Rob found Trent and Matt, talking away at each other about some sort of baseball game that had just happened back in the states. Both seemed to have just played their set. Did Vicarious play before, or after them today?

He left them alone, taking refuge on the couch across from them and opening another can of soda.

“Hey, Rob!” Trent called out after a moment. “Mets or Angels?”

“Dude, I don’t even know what the fuck you’re talking about,” Rob laughed off. “Sorry man. Not my forte.”

Trent trailed off with Matt about their previous conversation, but soon came back: “So what do you do with all the free time on tour?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you’re clearly not into sports.”

Rob lifted up his severely wounded hands to Trent. “I practice.”

“Holy shit,” Matt laughed. “Zoe wasn’t kidding.”

“How are you even going to play tonight?” Trent asked. As a fellow drummer, he seemed to empathize better with Rob’s issue.

“Grip tape, alcohol, and adrenaline,” Rob answered. “I don’t have many other options.”

“Look, seriously,” Trent pressed on, “you’ve been gripping your sticks too tight.”

”No shit.”

“I’ve seen you play before, Rob. You’re a standard grip kind of guy. You’re so comfortable on the kit I swear you practically don’t even try. If you were muscling through songs with Zoe earlier, it was because you were stressed out, not over-practiced.”

Rob rolled his eyes. “Look, Trent, I appreciate the concern, but there’s nothing I can do about it now.” He stood from the couch and made his way back out through the green room’s door.

“I’m not your enemy, man,” Trent called out as he left. But Rob didn’t bother to reply.

Something about the trivial nature of the shows was starting to get to Rob. Having to play it cool with Vicarious, when he knew everyone was stressed out and frustrated at the other band the whole time. In times like these, Rob knew he had a tendency of shutting other people down and locking into what he knew he was good at. And the added stresses of feeling guilty were quickly beginning to subside into frustration. All he wanted at this point was to go back to his bunk and hope Jane had never left.

He stepped out near the stage to find out where the others had gone to, only to run into Jane, who seemed ready and willing to help fix his most immediate issue.

He laughed softly at he story about eating shit near his place. “I swear,” he added in, “I think I’ve permanently edged my skin into the concrete there before.”

He waited until she had ceased talking for a moment, then spoke: “I don’t know how I managed to fuck my hands up this bad. I only practiced for an hour today.”

Rob wanted to carry on about how his practice had been with Zoe, but the idea of continuing to bring that up made his drop the idea. Besides, something about the way he had caught the glare of some of Vicarious’ staff made him feel like they knew something he didn’t. Or perhaps something he didn’t want to know.

But soon, the band was called on stage, and Jane and Rob separated after a kiss. Rob quickly mounted the drummer’s throne, and felt the rough wooden sticks in his hands, waiting for Jane to finish her introductory remarks.

Wait, she was interviewing with Andy tomorrow? He thought to himself in response to her words. Why? And when was that going to be mentioned to him?

Sam turned and signaled Rob to start the first song, and Rob was forced to drop the thought entirely, and counted the band in.

This was going to hurt.

—

Spoiler alert: it fucking did.

After furiously smashing through the final song on the setlist, Rob had to turn away and essentially let out a roar as he pushed through a fast fill into a hold on the cymbals, feeling the crowd cheer and watching Sam and Austin, making sure each of them cut off at the same time.

Finally, as they did, Rob chucked the drumsticks into the audience (much to their satisfaction), and marched off to the side of the stage, managing to drip blood onto the stage as he went. He felt the flash of cameras as he went, and was sure the photo was going to look a lot cooler, once this stopped hurting as much as it did.

He moved to the first person he could find that he recognized; Lyla, who was just getting up from her position backstage.

“Could you find a first aid kit?” He asked her. Once she caught wind of how bad his hands looked, she immediately dove off, coming back quickly with a similar-looking kit to what Jane had produced earlier, and helped Rob re-bandage the wounds.

After he had thanked her for helping, he slipped out his phone to see that Harold had shot him a text:

9:52, Harold: You are banned from practicing between shows until your hands looks normal again. No discussion.

9:59, Rob: Noted.

As annoying as it was to be told what to do, Harold was right. This was just going to be one of those things he would be paying for, for a while.

“Did I do that?” Came a sultry voice. Rob saw Zoe approach from the darkness of backstage, almost as if she had managed to appear on command.

“It’s on me,” Rob said. He shot a quick glance around for Jane, only not to find her anywhere. “Did you guys already play?”

Zoe nodded. “Someone hasn’t been paying attention. We ended up playing early and wrapping up a bit after eight, so Andy could make calls about an interview or something.”

“I heard something similar from Jane,” Rob mentioned. But Zoe didn’t seem keen on staying on the subject for too long.

“I promised a kid on Twitter I’d come out to sign shit after both sets ended. Wanna come with?”

—

For the next half hour, Zoe and Rob burrowed their way over to the merch table that the bands had shared for the smaller venue, and each signed a good truckload of respective albums and shirts. One man even wanted both of them to sign his copy of In Boom’s latest record.

“I’m already going to need to tell Harold to send more shit out,” Aaron mumbled as the last of the crowd was swept away by bouncers. He loaded up the remaining items. “We’re already out of half the shirts and CDs.”

“We’re not doing much better,” another girl said. She was introduced earlier to Rob as Michelle—Vicarious’ merch handler. The four of them talked for a bit, until Rob noticed he had missed a text from Jane.

“What’s up?” Zoe asked him as he scanned the text.

“Nothing,” he said. It looked like he wouldn’t get much of a chance to see Jane tonight.

—

Another hour past, and the last of teardown was taken care of. Once each member of each band had slipped away, Rob went exploring inside the venue with Zoe, finding their way up a flight of stairs and onto the roof.

Rob’s fingers found their way into his pocket, and he produced the joint Jane had given him earlier. He lit it, and the two smoked together and talked for a long time afterwards.

“Hey,” Rob said after a moment of silence between the two. “You know how you told me about singing on record?”

Zoe gave a whispered “yeah,” from her position, her head rested on Rob’s lap.

“I’ve never heard you sing,” he said.

“You won’t, then,” she said. “Not tonight.”

“Why not?”

“I’ll sing it when I feel like you’ve earned it.” She said, closing her eyes. But as she did, Rob could faintly hear her humming a familiar tune.

It was Led Zeppelin’s “Babe I’m Gonna Leave You.”

Why was she humming that?

“Rob?” A voice called out soon after. Rob rotated his body around to see Grant’s head popped up from the entrance to the roof. “We’ve got to leave.”

“Sure,” Rob said. He waited for Zoe to sit up, before standing up and leaving without the two saying much to each other.

On the way back to the bus, Rob apologized: “I’m sorry I was out that late.”

“It’s ok,” Grant said. “You’re young. You can have your fun.”

“It certainly doesn’t feel like as much fun as it used to,” Rob admitted. Grant turned to Rob, and could only laugh.

“It never does.”

—

Rob entered the bus, and pulled back his curtain to find Jane’s form once again inside of his bed. He gave a weak smile, and climbed in with her, holding her again. The exhaustion of the long, confusing day caused Rob to do little more than lie down, as sleep quickly took him once again.