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Perhaps it was the violence she had witnessed the day before or merely her stigma acting up but Lily was unable to sleep for too long despite the weariness her body felt. As always, she dreamt of faceless people who pointed and laughed at her in a house that was strangely similar to the one Group 2 destroyed. Among the smashed furniture, more faceless people mulled around, throwing angry words at her, their words eventually transforming into poisonous nagging to hurt and destroy. She tossed and turned in her bed, trying her best to hold on to sleep that was quickly fading away. But as one of the faceless people in her dreams grabbed her wrist, the coldness of the person's hand made her sit up in bed, gasping and covered in sweat. She looked around and sighed in relief when she saw that she was in her room in USARILN East--not that being in the so-called school was comforting, but it was the best she could hope for, at least for now. Sluggishly, she untangled the blanket from her legs.
Once she was free from the twisted fabric, she laid back down, the weariness almost automatically snapping her eyes closed. In a matter of seconds, she was fast asleep.
But there was no rest for the weary.
This time around, the faceless people that always permeated her dreams had faces. One looked like Siena, another like Marcus, the one beside him looked like Callan... Lily looked around, a sense of familiarity washing through her. Grant, Angelique, Christmas, Sander, and that girl she met the night before... Sophia. Even though she never introduced herself, Lily's subconscious pulled out her name as though she had known it all this time.
The strange thing was that, all the familiar faces around her had the same short, messy blonde hair--something Lily didn't notice initially. Her smile was wide as she approached them, for a brief second feeling as though she was where she belonged, that she was among friends.
Not until, the blonde Callan raised a hand and pointed a finger at her.
"Subnatural."Followed by the similarly hair styled Marcus.
"Traitor. Murderer. You can't hide what you are, monster.""Wh-what?" Lily stammered as she looked at one to the other, her mind finally realizing how strange it was for her classmates to have similarly styled and colored hair. Didn't Callan have aquamarine hair? And Sophia had dark brown? The smile on her face turned into a frown.
The one with Christmas' face stepped forward, a malicious smirk on his lips.
"Make them bleed. Show them the real you, you pathetic pretender," he spatted out. He was no longer the meek boy who couldn't even look her in the eye. This version of Christmas looked...vicious. Behind him was a tall blonde boy, who at first, she thought was Sander. But when she turned her attention to him, she realized that his face looked both strange and familiar. He looked like... her.
"Sebastian?" she called out, her subconscious again automatically knowing exactly who he was. But as soon as she said his name, her classmates turned their attention to him. A sense of dread filled Lily as the familiar people one by one closed in on the blonde boy she somehow knew to be her brother. She didn't even have time to react as they descended upon him.
"NO!" she shouted as she began to run towards the group. But no matter how fast she tried to run, she couldn't seem to close the distance. From where she was, she could see dark red staining Sebastian's hair, blonde Siena's hand similarly stained. Was that blood? Sebastian's?
She heard him scream. And with his voice came her voice, raised in a scream as well.
"NO! Sebastian!"She sat up on her bed, her heart thumping painfully in her chest as she panted. Glazed, confused eyes looked around, looking for that blonde boy, his face slowly, slowly slipping from her memory. As soon as her eyes focused, she could no longer remember what he looked like and who he was. Only his name remained.
Sebastian.She sat there for the longest moment, the blankets once again tangled around her. She tried to recapture what had happened in the dream and just who Sebastian was. But no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't quite grasp it. She could remember people that looked like her classmates attacking Sebastian and the fear she felt. But why was he important? Why was she so scared that he'd be hurt?
She looked towards the clock that stood on her nightstand.
4:30 AM
It was way too early and she badly wanted to get more sleep but she was sure that if she closed her eyes, another nightmare would just jolt her awake. She sighed. Even in her waking hours, she could still hear the harsh words that kept on urging her to hurt someone. Slowly, she un-entangled herself from the blanket and stood up. She needed an output, she needed to calm the voices.
She looked towards her desk and found five yellow and brown boxes stacked on top of each other.
Strange. Did someone come into my room while I was sleeping--if I can even call that sleeping--or did I completely miss that big stack of boxes last night? she wondered as she crossed the short distance from her bed to the desk.
A note was taped to the topmost box.
The donuts are a little late. I'm sorry about that. The place I ordered them from was slow to process and deliver. I'm also sorry that the school can't fulfill your other requests. -Rosa. "Oh," Lily exclaimed as she opened the box and her eyes fell on the variously flavored donuts, her mood instantly lifting. She counted the boxes. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Five boxes of donuts. She peeked into each box, delighted to see that each donut was unique. She grinned. For once, she was glad to be where she was. She picked one up a chocolate glazed one and took a big bite, her peripheral vision catching sight of the unlimited Ground Zero access request form.
And here's the answer to calming my stigma, she thought as she placed the donut between her teeth to free her hands. She grabbed the form and a pen and scribbled on it.
Two donuts and a shower later, she was on her way to the admin office to turn over her form. Once there, she handed the form to a bored looking woman who immediately snapped to attention when her eyes fell on the X mark on the small teen's throat. Lily didn't really mind. Most people were cautious around Aberrations after all. She waited for several minutes for the approval but the woman nervously insisted that she leave, telling her that she would just be informed of the approval later. Lily wanted to insist that she could just wait for it but she noticed the woman gesturing towards a guard.
Irritation blossomed inside Lily and the voices in her head became louder and more insistent. Her eyes fell on the office supplies scattered around the woman's desk, creative ways to injure forming in her mind. The woman followed her eyes and instinctively gathered the pens, the stapler and even the sticky notes. Lily felt a rifle barrel poke her on the back.
With an annoyed glance at the guard standing behind her, Lily turned and walked away, desperately trying to ignore the voices in her head shouting for her to show the woman and the guard exactly why Aberrations were feared.
Liliana Brandt |
Sophia Lemane
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With no class that day, Sophia had quite a few hours to do whatever she wanted, whatever that would turn out to be. The events from the previous day were still bugging her. Just in the two or so hours that she had been awake so far, she found herself staring often into space doing nothing. Which really wasn't a good thing. She tried not to let herself daydream or spend time sitting around doing nothing, if she could help it.
She didn't feel like exploring outside of the campus so that she could become some attraction for the "regular" people there, and there wasn't a whole lot to do on campus, nothing that she felt like doing anyway. But if she could find a good book to lose herself in, then at least, she wouldn't be thinking about the same things over and over again while getting nowhere in her speculations. It might be a good idea to see if there were any good books about taking care or training cats that she could use in addition to what could be found online too.
Entering the library, she began to weave randomly between the shelves to familiarize herself with the place. Even though she loved to read, she hadn't been to the library yet. There was the fiction section for young-adults, the non-fiction section, and there were some DVDs...
As she walked she stopped often to scan the titles, pulling out a book if it caught her eye so that she could read the blurb. A few books found their way into her arms that way, she would look through them later when she found a nice place to sit. But she was only holding on to four books so far (some of them being non-fiction books on cats), so she continued her search for something good to read. A rather random way of finding a book to read, but fun too.
Lily walked and walked around campus for what felt like hours, trying her best to shake off that growing urge to actually give in to the voices and hurt someone. She avoided people in the fear of actually hurting them. She really didn't want to but she was beginning to think that she
has to in order to find peace. She looked up at the building where she had stopped in front of.
The library.
Peace and quiet. And more importantly, away from a lot of people. She immediately went to the front door and walked in.
As soon as she was inside, she scanned the area. Never mind the people. She needed to be away from them and alone until she can access Ground Zero. Once she saw that the farthest table tucked in the corner was free, she made her way into it, grabbing a random book to try and distract her from the vicious words now tumbling in her head.
Done picking out enough books for the time being, Sophia began to look around for somewhere to sit. A place that didn't already have too many people sitting or browsing nearby would be ideal, so she made her way to the edges of the library to look for tables there. A few other people had had the same idea and were occupying a few of the tables as she walked by, so she continued looking.
Seeing the corner of another table a short distance away in the corner of the library, Sophia picked up her pace and headed towards it. Until she was almost there, she didn't realize that there was already someone sitting there, blocked by the bookshelves. A head of long golden messy hair... she knew that person, didn't she?
Lily tried to focus on the words. The book she had picked up was actually a book on cats and how to care for them. It was a fairly interesting topic as she used to have a cat back when she was--- She blinked. Was that a memory? She tried to mentally wade through the voices that was preventing her from remembering clearly. She laid the book down and rubbed her eyes irritatedly. Having amnesia and the constant whispering voices in her head was really annoying and it was putting her in a worsening mood.
Maybe I should just crack my head open again and maybe that would bring back my memories, she thought as she rubbed a little harder, making her eyes tear up a little. When she was finished, she opened her eyes and glared at the open book.
"It's probably a lot better if I was a cat. I'd laze around and sleep all day, she said to an illustrated orange tabby curled sleeping in a basket in the book. Looking at it made her inadvertently yawn.
Sophia had been debating whether or not to say hello. It would be polite, especially after she had accidentally ignored the girl yesterday. But then, would she be interrupting? As Sophia watched the girl rub her eyes and then talk to herself, she felt like she was spying. She hadn't been noticed yet.
I guess I can just say hi, and if she wants to be left alone, I can leave?Clearing her throat softly as a nervous hand clutched the books tighter, she took a few steps forward so she was by the table.
"Hey," she began, before stopping abruptly as she realized she couldn't remember the girl's name.
"uh, hello." A pause as she grasped for something else to say.
"We met yesterday, right?"Lily looked up at the sound of the voice. For a few seconds, she stared at the girl, having a difficult time remembering if she knew her thanks to the chaotic voices in her head.
"Yesterday," she repeated and furrowed her brow.
"Yesterday," she repeated again after a few seconds, slowly remembering the commotion that happened after the flag football.
"Oh, right. I bumped into you," a look of recognition replaced the confused look on the small blonde's face.
"Sorry about that. I really didn't mean to," she apologized, not really remembering if she did the night before.
The girl's staring made Sophia nervous. Had she made a mistake? Maybe there was someone else almost identical to the girl from yesterday, and Sophia had mixed the two up. She couldn't help but let out a small sigh of relief, barely audible, when the girl seemed to remember at last. But then the girl began to apologize, causing her to bite her lip. Apologies were always awkward things, and she didn't like them. Didn't like receiving them, and often didn't like giving them.
She hurried to reassure the girl, just like she had done the previous night.
"No, you don't need to apologize again. It was such a... little thing." Shifting the books that she held, she wondered if it would be rude to put them down. They were getting heavier. Looking from the books in her arms towards the table, she shifted them again.
"You mind if I..."Again... Oh, so I did apologize. Good, Lily thought, once again mentally cursing both her poor memory and her stigma.
"I'm not sure if I apologized so I guess I had to say it again," she shrugged and then looked at the books the girl was holding. There really was no sense asking for permission to put the books on the table that wasn't hers but she gave it anyway.
"Go ahead," she said. She wasn't feeling particularly friendly and the voices were already whispering about making the girl her target but she felt the need to at least formally introduce herself. She couldn't really remember if she had already.
"Did you tell me your name last night too?" she decided to ask instead.
The girl hadn't been sure if she had apologized already? But then, lots of things had happened yesterday. She put her books down, and then took the extra step to take a seat so she wasn't looking down on the girl as she spoke. The girl's next question confused Sophia even more than the repeated apology. Did the girl really not remember? Hiding her surprise, she gathered more words together so she could introduce herself. Perhaps the girl's question was a polite way of reminding Sophia that she didn't know her name, but would like to be introduced.
"Oh, no. I didn't." She clasped her hands tightly beneath the table as she chose the way she would introduce herself from the many sentences floating through her head. Each sentence varied slightly from the next, in ways that would matter only to Sophia.
"My... my name's Sophia." Oops. She forgot to add her last name. Hurriedly, she added on,
"Lemane. Sophia Lemane." That was not how she had meant to introduce herself. Lowering her gaze to the table before her, she whispered,
"What's yours?"Lily noticed how Sophia lowered her gaze when she asked for her name. Was she shy?
"Lilianna Brandt. Lily for short," she replied, a little surprised that holding a conversation with someone was actually tempering the voices a little. Maybe if she talked a little more...
"There's really no need to be shy around me. Say what you want. If you say something embarrassing, chances are I won't remember it to actually tell somebody about it," she pointed to her head.
"I suppose having it cracked open gave me amnesia and maybe short term memory loss too. Sometimes I have trouble remembering things that are fairly recent. That's why I had to ask if you told me your name last night," she explained and then pointed to the X mark on her throat next.
"That and the...uhm...stuff that comes with this." She didn't really wanna admit that she hears voices in her head. Saying it would probably brand her as crazy. Maybe she
was crazy but saying it out loud would probably make her potential friend run from her.
Lilianna. Lily. Such a pretty name. Sophia lifted her gaze from the table curiously as Lily began to talk about how Sophia needn't be shy around her. Of course. It was quite obvious that she was shy, wasn't it? She began to nod to show that she understood, when Lily caught her off guard by beginning to talk about her memory. Amnesia... short term memory loss... and then something related to being an Aberration. Things seemed to click together so they made more sense now. That was why it had taken Lily so long to remember who she was.
Sophia didn't quite know what her reaction should be to this abruptly revealed information. Her eyebrows drew together as pity flashed across her face for a few seconds before Sophia pushed it down. Not many people liked to be pitied for their weaknesses, she knew she didn't. It took her a minute of thought as her gaze drifted around the room before she decided to respond as normally as possible.
"You shouldn't worry, I don't mind...," Was this what she should really be saying at this time? Reassure Lily? Sophia suddenly wondered how many people knew about Lily's issue remembering things, was this something she should keep to herself? Knowing that someone had an issue made her want to help in whatever way she could, but would it be rude to let Lily know that she would be "there" if Lily ever needed any help?
Realizing that she never finished her sentence, Sophia reddened slightly.
"I don't mind needing to... repeat things." Now should she ask Lily the questions that were filling her head?
She said she might not remember. A small relief that came with guilt. First of all, it was only a maybe. Lily might end up remembering after all. And second, why should she be relived that she might not need to live up to what she said and did with Lily?
"I, uh, is this..." Her hands under the table gripped each other even tighter.
"Sorry. You don't have to answer, but," Just spit it out! "Is this something I should keep to myself? And... if you ever want someone to listen, I can also... be there." She finished hurriedly before burying her face in her hands.
You did that horribly.
"I'm sorry." As Lily stared at Sophia, she caught that brief flash of pity across her face. It didn't really bother her as she received similar looks when she had first opened her eyes in the hospital. She wasn't particularly sure if the pitying looks she got was because she had amnesia or because she was an X. She always expected the latter as she had once overheard a guard whispering to another about how sad Aberrations were since all were unstable and crazy. But when Sophia said that she didn't mind repeating things, she figured that she pitied her because of her memory loss. And she blinked at her next words. Was the girl actually offering to be her friend?
Despite her mood, a small smile tugged at the corner of her lips.
"Firstly, no, it's not something you should keep to yourself. I think most people know about it anyway. I have Amnesia and Bipolar Disorder. I didn't really want to let anyone know before but..." she shrugged.
"...you can't really keep secrets in this place. And secondly, are you, by any chance, asking to be my friend?" The blonde had a habit of asking direct questions even though the answer might not the the one she wanted to hear.
Who would want to be friends with you? A voice in her head whispered.
Oh, shut up. She might want to be, you know.She's only good when she's screaming in pain.Shut up.Despite Lily's positive outlook on Sophia's possible answer and her brave retort to the voices in her head, there was a grain of truth in what it said. Who would want to be friends with a broken girl like her? A girl without a memory and with unpredictable mood swings. It was actually why she didn't take too much effort to try and befriend people. Why should she start now? The small smile on her lips disappeared.
Friend. Was that what Sophia had been proposing? She didn't know. She had been offering up an ear if Lily ever needed to know that someone else knew what she was going through, because that was what Sophia was good at. Listening, but barely saying anything. Being the statue that someone could rant to until they had gotten what was bothering them out of their system. Friends were not for people like her, not when she could barely speak a sentence without trailing off at least once or second guessing herself.
She hadn't had a friend for years. They came with responsibility. You needed to talk to friends and spend time with them.
You needed to talk to them. Having friends stressed her out, hence why all her friendships had always fallen apart. How did one have friends when simply greeting their parents in the morning or answering simple questions gave them such anxiety?
You become friends with Lily, and then what? You're going to let her down when she finds out that you're some mute.But I'm sure she could use a friend, or another one if she already has some. Everyone likes to have friends, right? Even I would, if I would be able to get past my talking problem. I just don't think I'm the friend she needs. Maybe I can be her friend until she finds someone better?She took a deep breath. Removing her hands from her face but still staring down at the table, she opened her mouth. To her dismay, she couldn't begin talking.
Not again. Please. Not now. Frustration welled up, threatening to overflow in the form of tears that she had to blink back. She needed to confirm that she wanted to be Lily's friend. She wanted to become her friend so she could help if Lily ever needed someone to be there... so she could help. But her stupid mind wouldn't let her. Her fingers itched for a pencil and sheet of paper, where was that journal she used to carry around with her? If only she could write it, things would be so much easier.
Hesitate too long and you show reluctance. Just nod first. Do it. Sophia nodded.
Now confirm with words.
"I want to be your friend." Wispy words that could easily been carried off by a breeze, but there all the same. But she wasn't done. There was something else she needed to get out, and unlike the other words, this one burst from her as she lifted her gaze to try and look Lily in the eye.
"But I don't know if I make a good friend."A look of confusion came over Lily's face as she waited for Sophia to answer. Was she trying to think of the best way to say no?
Of course she is, the voice in her head laughed and as it did, Lily's mood darkened.
Yes, who would want to be friends with me? she agreed. Suddenly, the library wasn't such a good place to be in. Maybe hanging out in the Arboretum would be a better idea. She was just about to say something to excuse herself when she saw Sophia nod. And the words that followed the nod made her stay in her chair. Thoughtful golden eyes stared at the brown haired girl.
"Y-you want to be my friend?" she asked in disbelief. Even the voices in her head seemed surprised that they stopped talking. A slow smile again spread across her lips.
"Really?" she asked.
"That's awesome..." she added in an awed, small voice.
"Oh, I'm sure you'll be a nice friend..." she assured and then trailed off.
Wait. Does this mean that I have to spend most of my time with her? Does this mean that we have to talk every single day? She realized that she had no idea what a friendship entailed and without a past to look back on, she came up with a blank. She reached up and scratched the back of her head.
"I'm...uh... not sure if I'll be a good friend either."So Sophia wasn't the only one unsure about this new friendship. Now what was she to say?
'Don't worry, we can be bad friends together?' or
'I'm sure you'll be a good friend', when she wasn't sure? Lily had been pretty honest and open about herself. Maybe she would try to be as honest as she could too.
"Well, I never really had a lot of... friends. So I think we're both kind of... new? To this?" She hesitated for a few seconds before continuing.
"But maybe we can figure out how it all works...," another trailed off sentence as she tried to decide whether to use a particular word,
"uh, together?" Was it right to use that word? Did that make it sound too... she didn't know... sappy? And why was she posing all of her sentences as questions again? Eyes on Lily, she waited for her reaction.
"Together..." Lily trailed off, the word unfamiliar to her. Or maybe it was, she didn't really know.
"...sounds really nice. I think I'd like that," she gave the girl opposite her a genuine smile.
Good to know that Sophia hadn't messed anything up horribly, at least yet.
"Is it okay if we give each other our room numbers? So we can find each other if... like... you know. If we want to see each other?" Would Lily forget the number if she just told her? Or maybe she should just have more confidence in her ability to remember things. She didn't have any paper with her anyway. Unconsciously, her voice lowered as she told Lily where her room was, a little nervous about giving her "address" out.
"Mine's in Building A, suite number 226."Lily nodded and turned to the book she had been trying to read earlier. She didn't have pen and paper with her so she did the next best thing she could think of to remember the number Sophia gave her. She paged through the book and stopped at page 226. She reached out and made a small fold at the corner of the page.
"There. That should prevent me from forgetting the number until I can write it down. Mine's in Building B, room 200." She paused and then blinked.
"You can come by anytime to visit but...my room is small and uhm...not that neat."The method that Lily used was quite smart, and Sophia was reassured that Lily wouldn't be forgetting her room number. Which was, she supposed, a good thing. Maybe being with Lily would eventually help Sophia to speak more, even though she knew that there would probably be much anxiety before that. She would just have to see.
That's okay," she smiled tentatively,
"I'll try my best to come when I can... and you can always come to mine." She'd try her best, yes.
The golden haired girl nodded happily, gathered the book and stood up.
"Okay, I'll see you around then," she said and then skipped off, temporarily forgetting her troubles because of the high being able to make her first friend gave her.
But the moment Lily stepped out of the Library, the voices were back and her mood plummeted back down. Realizing that the only real place she could go to where she would not worry about encountering anyone was her room. And so she made her way back, grabbed food from the cafeteria and locked herself into Room 200 waiting for her approval to use Ground Zero.
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