Angélique looked quite lonesome as she sat at the table in the dining hall in front of a good homemade meal. She had come back early from her road trip with Zoe, given her red-haired friend wasn’t comfortable sitting for long. As such, Angel had time to cook something for herself for dinner. Even though she had a good talk with her fellow Aberration, the less reputable singer still felt somewhat down. Her first birthday dinner without anyone around to celebrate it. No cakes, no presents, no wishes, no one to have fun with…
Her thoughts drifted to the people she had spoken with recently. Most thought of her as a horrible human being for having done what she did in Washington, while some were willing to give her second chances, prove that she wasn’t a monster, but someone who did a mistake. It was hard, deciding what she was, who she should be.
Beside Siena, Angélique hadn’t spoken to anyone from her evacuation group. She had tried to avoid them so far this week. It was an unhealthy thing to do, letting this hate and animosity fester, but Angel had not found her resolve to face the others and admit that she had lost control. Because, in the end, as much as she may tell the others and even try to believe herself in saying that she did it to protect the others, it remained that she had lost control over herself and let loose her Stigma. If she had been more in control, it would’ve been likely that no one would’ve died by the hands of her group that day.
She might not want to admit her loss of control, but there was something Angel shortly realized. She owed apologies, much like she had already apologized to Siena for having involved her in this mess, and apologized to Allison for having betrayed her trust and her love.
And it just so happened that, on her way to her room, Angélique found herself stopping short from bumping into a small Lilianna, whose presence seemed to have gone almost unnoticed not only from her size but from how quiet she was. It was unusual for the usually spirited blonde Aberration to look so down, at least according to the few moments the ex-rockstar had spent with the younger girl.
”Oh! I’m sorry Lily, I didn’t see you there. My mind was… elsewhere.”Lily was wandering around aimlessly when Angel bumped into her. While she had been successful in keeping her mind quiet and blank the first few days since they arrived, now her mind was cluttered with the events that had happened in Washington. The horrified looks on people's faces, how they crumpled to the gound clutching at their bleeding ears, how they had screamed in pain before collapsing... There was no excuse to what she had done. And walking around freely like what she was doing was unfair. She should be locked up and tied down like Hazel.
I'm not a healer. I'm a murderer. I shouldn't stay here. I'll just endanger people's lives... The words in her head kept repeating in a loop, punctuated by the voices of her stigma agreeing to every word.
Sluggishly, she looked up when Angel spoke up.
"It's okay," she replied and automatically stepping aside to create space.
"I hope I wasn't much of a bother," she added in a soft, dejected voice.
Lily probably had all the reasons to feel depressed, Angélique figured as her friend’s state of mind leaked profusely from her voice alone. Shit, she must’ve spent the last few days locked up on herself to look like that.
She deserved an apology, and like Angel herself had found an ear to speak her mind to in Zoe, the black-haired Aberration felt like she should be there for Lily too. It wasn’t her fault, partly. It was this goddamn X on her neck.
“What, no! No you’re not. I just spaced out. It’s my fault really.” Angélique quickly replied to Lilianna’s statement, feeling as if she had just insulted the depressed small Aberration.
I took some time for Angel to muster the courage to speak, but she managed to open her mouth, tentative words finally breaking the silence
“Lily… do you… want to have a talk?”Tired looking golden eyes continued staring at Angel. What was there to talk about? Did her friend wanted to know just how much of a monster she was? Lily sighed. She was just about to say no when a realization occurred to her.
Oh...maybe she has problems of her own that she wants to vent out. "Okay... Do you... uh... wanna go back to my room? Someone left donuts in my doorstep the other day. Maybe you'd want some?" she offered.
“O-oh! I mean, if you don’t mind, sure? It’s been a while. Kinda miss those actually, now that you bring it up?” Angel tried to gather her spirits up, but only managed to come up with half-a-smile.
“Someone just... left them there? Have any idea who it is?"Lily shrugged.
"I have no idea. There wasn't any note attached to it. I guess the person who left it there didn't want me to know who he or she is. It was a nice gesture though. I'll rememer to thank the person if I ever find out," she said as an amused look came over her face.
"So many donuts... it was sorta fun looking at them," she gave out a small half hearted chuckled as she led the way to her room.
“Sounds like whoever gave them to you knew you loved them.” Angélique replied with a faint giggle of her own.
And ignored the fact she is a mass murderer just like you… Falling back behind Lily, the raven-haired Siren followed Lilianna to her room, her heart starting to beat faster as she was trying to come up with words of apologies to Lily. It wasn’t something she felt comfortable with right now, but it had to be done. And if it could help Lily empty her mind, then she would’ve at least done something good today as well.
"I suppose almost everyone knows that I love them since I used to walk around USARILN East's campus eating them," Lily said as she walked into her room. Once inside, she grabbed one of the boxes of donuts and laid in onto the table.
"Here, help yourself," she said and stood there staring thoughtfully at her fellow Aberration.
Her curious perceptiveness kicked in.
"You want to talk about what happened," was her straightforward statement.
Settling next to the table, Angel reached for one of the pastries inside a box. They looked handmade, that was for sure. Whoever did it used the equipment here to do them. However, she did not get to fully taste the bit she took as Lilianna shot
the question at Angel in the most straightforward manner that could have been told.
Nearly choking in surprise, the now-turned two decades old young woman swallowed her bite hard, looking at the blonde Aberration at the other end of the table.
“Y-yeah. Actually.” Too quick, not enough time.
“I wanted to apologize… for what I did. None of this would have happened if I haven’t started screaming at those people. You surely wouldn’t have been tempted if I didn’t cause ear injuries to these people. I thought I would’ve protected you guys… but I fucked up big time. “ It was clear that Angel was remorseful about what she did, and felt overly responsible for what happened. The day had been loaded in emotions for the older Aberration, and words sometimes stuck in her throat as she spoke.
“I.. I’m sorry for everything.”Lily shook her head despite the barrage of angry images in her head.
"No, there's nothing to be sorry about. You and me both know how difficult it is to control it up here," she placed a finger on her temple.
"I've been...trying so hard to control mine but..." her voice trailed off.
Trying to confide in another murderer?Her face fell as Kusari's words echoed in her head after the voice of her stigma.
"I'm not pretending to be good but...but... I'm really not good...at all," she sighed, sank down onto a chair and hung her head.
"I cause more harm than good."Angel watched as Lily fell deeper into darkness, speechless. No… this wasn’t what she had been coming for. She wanted to make Lily feel better, not the other way around.
“Lily… please, don’t say that.” The older Aberration approached Lily hesitantly, sitting right next to her.
“You are right, it is difficult to deal with. But I don’t think you are inherently a bad person. If you were, you wouldn’t be so down about it all. You wouldn’t dive into that mass of injured people and bleed yourself to unconsciousness if you were such a bad person. I think… as long as you can feel regret or sympathy, that makes you just as human as any one of us, or them.” Angélique fell silent, trying to come up with something more encouraging.
“Even if we lose it, then that means we’ve just got to find alternatives. Find some means to prevent us from harming others until the day we can manage to contain it.”Lily blinked at Angel's words.
What makes me human... She didn't expect kind words or reassuring ones. She expected disgust and mistrust. She expected anger and hate. Just like what Ernie said before. If the others find out what she could do, then they'd stop trusting her.
"Aren't you going to yell at me? Tell me I shouldn't be coming near you or anybody else?" she asked, paused and then plunged forward.
"I killed all those people and while I feel horrible about it now... when I was doing it, it felt like it was the most wonderful thing to do," she finished. It was really the first time she admitted it out loud. What was the use in keeping it a secret now that she showcased how horrific her powers were for the world to see. That and she wanted to see if Angel would turn and leave her like she expected her to.
The raven-haired Aberration quietly listened to her friend’s lament, finding her words oh so familiar. They really were the same, deep down. Two good-natured musicans having made the wrong choice and now paying for it in mistakes and lamentations. Just how cruel it was to have taken the path of an X-marked.
“It’s sick, isn’t it? Maybe it’s something that has always been there, or maybe it’s something that was forced on us. But trust me, Lily, you are not alone in this. Zoe feels the same way when she rots people from the inside out. I feel ecstatic when my screams pierces the air and make all those people drop. I feel… superior to others, when I just see them kneeling in pain and I stand above them. The worst part in this? I love it, just like Zoe loves spreading death and you love making people suffer.” Angel felt disgusted by this admittance, her face clearly showing is.
“And I hate it all. It’s disgusting. It’s revolting. I cannot accept it.” She spat these venomous words in such hatred that it was unsightly.
“But what can I do about it? I could yell at you for taking the injuries I caused and turning them into mortal wounds. I could scream at you that everyone believes I killed these people. I cried over my lost friends and the betrayal they felt. I could tell you about all the deaths we caused, about all the families we’ve ruined, about all the people we’ve let down. About how undeserving we are to be seen as heroes and how much of monsters we are.” Just as if Angel seemed she would burst from anger, she stopped, her wrath slowly fading away in sorrow.
“But even if I would yell at you for having done that, that won’t bring those people back. We regret it now, but it’s in the past now. Personally, I sure as hell won’t accept what I did back there, and that’s exactly why I’m going to right my wrongs. I’m fucked up, I admit it. But I’ll cling to whatever good I have left and make sure I never forget what I did, even if the world doesn’t know and gave us a second chance.”
“I won’t abandon you, Lily. Allison still loves me despite what I did. Zoe knows of my struggle and wants to support me through my choices, just like I want to be there when she has no one to talk to. So even if I know what you are going through, I want to help you, because you are a classmate, my friend, and you are not alone on this fucked up boat. I don't want you to become the monsters we see in the news or on TV. We’ll help each other out through this, alright?” "Oh," was all Lily could say. She stared at Angel for the longest moment, a little unbelieving that someone would actually stick with her despite knowing what she can do and how she can lose control.
"Thank you, Angel," the blonde Aberration's voice was both thankful and amazed. And then finally, her lips curved up into a genuine smile. She might not have broken through her depressed mood yet but she was really grateful.
"I didn't think anyone would welcome me after all I did... E-- err... Someone said I should keep it a secret cause if people found out then I'd lose all the trust given to me..." she admitted, carefully omitting Ernie's name.
“What?” Angélique was dumbfounded to have heard that. Who the hell suggested Lilianna such a stupid idea? It was irresponsible, if not downright counterproductive. Had people known about this, it would’ve made the girl the best combat medic there was on their team, ten times that considering she was able to turn simple wounds into life-threatening injuries. Not only that, but had she known before hand…
“Lily, who the fuck told you that? It’s the goddamn opposite! If you tell people about your power, then we can come up with plans to find you a better role. If we had known before, we could’ve probably taken our precautions even. We wouldn’t cast you aside for that. For fuck’s sake, it’s your power, you can’t do anything about this. It’s how you use it that makes you trustworthy or not.”That made sense. But... During that time Lily was speaking with Ernie, it made sense too. Maybe because she thought she was safe staring into his eyes? Or maybe because it looked like he honestly cared for her well being.
"I guess it's my fault not thinking about it before I decided to take the advice. And I was... scared that nobody would want to be friends with me anymore," she reached out for a chocolate glazed donut and bit on it worriedly.
Angel’s face softened as Lily seemed to be taking it personally.
“It’s okay Lily, I can understand that but…” She couldn’t be blamed. The fallen idol herself desperately tried to mend the broken pieces of her friendships and tried so hard to keep or making new friendships. Loneliness is a suffering that no one should experience, especially in these dark times. Especially for Mages.
“I need to know who goes around telling people those kinds of things. Whoever it is, they make it sound like we should be ashamed of our powers and hide them. It just creates more discord among us. I need to set things straight. Nothing good can come out of this if that kind of advice is given to everyone in our class.”Lily frowned. She really didn't want to get Ernie into trouble. But admittedly, his advice did do more harm than good. What Angel made sense. Had she been open about what she can do, then maybe she would have had help dealing with her demons.
"I-I'm sure Ernie didn't mean to cause harm..." her brows furrowed as she said the name out loud.
"Ernie!? That motherf-… " Angel cut herself short from swearing in Lily’s presence. This asshole was the one who told her that? Not surprising, being the sniveling coward he was. Was he really Lilianna’s friend? Or was she being used by him, just like Ernest pretended to be Angel’s friend only to get close to an idol?
“Sorry… I… had a fall out with Ernest when we came here. He… just wasn’t the person I thought he was. Feels like… I’ve been deceived by how he usually acted around me.” The young woman in her twenties fell silent, looking bitter as she remember her would-be ‘friends’ tag-teaming up on her for insulting her.
“Just… mind yourself around him, alright? I don’t like gossiping and certainly don’t want to be telling you who to be friends with, but be careful. Some things are not what they seem to be. I think we both know that better, huh?” Angel finished by eating into a donut, finally allowing her to taste how fresh and delicious these homemade donuts were.
"Not the person you thought he was..." Lily took another bite on her donut and looked thoughtful.
And you fell into his trap. The voice in Lily's head cackled.
"But he's..." she started. What did she want to say? That he was nice? That she thought she was safe with him? And that she thought his advices made sense? But in reality, she didn't really know him. Maybe she was just glad that he was willing enough to hear her out and give her advice like a friend would. Now that she was talking with Angel, everything seemed to make more sense and doubts about Ernie began creeping in.
You just want it to be him when there's so much more better people to turn to, the voice in her head voiced out.
Seeing Lily being so hesitant about Ernest, Angélique figured they might have had a good relationship going. But then again, just how true it all was? And how would he react if he actually discovered the little blonde Arbiter had been the one doing the killing?
"It's your choice, Lily. Personally, I don't like him, but you make your own friends and try to keep them, right?" Angel added, feeling a bit frustrated Lily was so attached to that asshole.
Reaching up for a vanilla-iced donut, Angel took a most serious face
"I know I'm going to sound hypocrite from what I told you earlier. But please, don't EVER tell anyone about what happened back there. If you have to, especially to Ernest, make sure to have someone around. Anyone but Brent. Those two... have a hard time accepting what happened."Lily still looked thoughtful but it was obvious that she was listening to each word Angel was saying.
"I'll...keep that in mind. And..." she tilted her head, her golden eyes wide and curious as she looked at the dark haired singer.
"I'm really glad that you're here and that you didn't turn me away like I thought everyone would. I'm also... sorry that I gave in to the voices in my head. I think maybe the deaths I caused are adding more to your guilt. I'll be better." She crammed the rest of the donut into her mouth.
"I-It's okay. I'll be there for you. I know what it is like to have voices whispering in your head all day long. It's not easy." Angel replied, not cramming her donut like her friend did, but she was eating it quite fast.
The forest green-eyed Aberration paused. She made Lily feel better about herself. At least she succeeded in making something good today. But this talk really was depressive, so...
"Had any progress on this memory loss of yours?"Lily felt her mood lighten up a bit and she nodded. It was nice to have someone who understood and cared.
"No, no big progress yet... but I was thinking that maybe I should talk to that Sebastian guy who keeps calling the cellphone that I have. Maybe he's the Sebastian you helped me remember," she said.
"That would make sense. I mean, you remembered this name specifically, he is in your phone contacts and he keeps calling you. Chances are it really is your brother trying to reach you." Angel leaned on the table to grab another donut, honey-glazed this time.
"I think you might want to talk to him. He could help you a lot to remember." "If you want to remember, that is.""I really should, shouldn't I?" Lily asked, nodding her head slowly.
"I mean if it ends up to be someone else, then no harm done, right?" she added, sounding as though she was convincing herself.
"You've got nothing to lose from trying, girl." Angel confirmed as she finished another donut, her hand tentatively reaching for another one, but decided not to.
"Damn, I should stop myself, but they are so good. I'm going to end up fat, and you won't have any left by the time I leave." Angelique chuckled lightly.
Lily shook her head.
"Oh, you can have more if you want. My benefactor left three boxes full of donuts," she giggled.
"And I've just eaten two since it was left outside my door. There was also ice cream... but I kinda finished that already," she admitted a little sheepishly.
"Besides, today is a good day to share donuts with a good friend so have as much as you want," the golden haired girl smiled.
"Awww you're so sweet! How can I resist if you say it like that?" The Voice Mage stood a bit away from her chair and reached Lilianna for a hug.
"You have to tell me how you remain so lithe after eating like that." She added with a way more light-hearted laugh.
Lily hugged the singer back gladly. She liked hugs and realized that it's been a while since she was last given one.
"Genetics maybe? No matter what I eat, I still stay small," she chuckled.
"Some people are just born that lucky." Ironic, given their current circumstances. Angel had her fair share of good genetics as well, having the body of a lascivious model and a golden voice despite her very poor eyesight.
Accepting Lily's offer, Angel reached her hand out for a plain donut, her mood having considerably going up for the better as she smiled to the blonde Mage
"Yeah, eating donuts with a good friend does make it a better birthday now.""Oh!" Lily's eyes grew wide. She reached out and took the plain donut out of Angel's hand and replaced it with a darker pastry.
"This isn't much of a gift but this is my most favorite flavor. You can have it. It's dark chocolate. Happy Birthday!""O-oh, Lily. That's..." Hearing that, Angel felt herself consumed by happiness. Really, this probably had been way more than what she asked of today. An emotional tear ran up in her eye as her face let a nostalgic smile drawing on her lips. Without hesitation, she shot up from her chair and threw herself onto Lilianna into a warm hug. One that she wanted to last as long as it could. One that felt like warming her soul.
"Thank you."Lily grinned and returned the hug, for a moment forgetting all her worries and snapping out of her depressed mood. There were no monsters, no dead people, no Regulars clammoring for their heads. It was just a normal day spent with a good friend on her special day.
"Oh, no need to thank me. That's what friends are for, right?""Yeah!"Angel took the impromptu cake donut and split it in half, handing one half to her blonde Aberration friend.
"Cheers then, for having a good friend on this 20th year."The grin on Lily's face widened more as she took half of the donut.
"Cheers!" she giggled. Just a normal teenager having fun.