Current
Friendly reminder that whatever you're feeling right now is normal. The world is in shock, and everyone copes with that differently.
7
likes
5 yrs ago
Just wanted to give a shout out to any healthcare workers on the guild. You guys are way braver than I am, especially those of you going in even with health issues. Thank you so, so, so much.
23
likes
5 yrs ago
Merry Christmas all!
5 yrs ago
@VampireTwilight don't let anyone pressure you into anything you don't want to do, if they respect you, they'll respect your boundaries
Unperturbed by Vinnie’s outburst, Alice folded her arms, gaze shifting from coolly indifferent to deadly as Reika spoke. The other woman had always been impulsive, greedy, even. Whilst her hunger for power had before been a minor inconvenience, now it seemed it was putting them all at risk. And she was the liability, apparently.
“Tell me Reika, where exactly do people think you are? Because I just told that circus I’m at home with Snowball. Although I suppose big, bad drug dealers like yourself don’t need alibis.” for the last part, she let her voice turn sickly sweet, as if speaking to a child. It was petty, but she didn’t care. She enjoyed winding Reika up, and even better if she could prove her wrong in the process.
“And honestly, I wouldn’t go boasting about that particular alliance,” her gaze drifted lazily to Vinnie, more particularly, to the spot of red just out of reach of the clean swipe of the napkin, “Although I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised the two thugs at the table banded together.”
She shifted slightly, angling to adress Leo. He was logical. Smart. Realistically, the mole could be any one of them, and he knew it. That didn’t mean Reika wasn’t a danger though, the same for Vinnie, but it seemed the others would take some convincing, “Empirical evidence?” she said, calm, “Reika’s grab for power seems awfully empirical to me, as does Vinnie’s…” she trailed off deliberately, before, with obvious disdain, “Tantrum”
She gave Vinnie a look, “By the way, you missed a spot.”
Okay! So! Here are my critiques :) I didn't go into too much detail, because personally I don't find nitpicking to be particularly helpful, especially in contests like these with a time limit, where no one is going to be able to produce a perfectly polished, perfectly edited piece of work. That said, if anyone's planning to develop their work further and wants more in depth, sentence level feedback, hmu and I'll be happy to give my two cents :)
So, in the order that I opened my reviews up in google docs (because ranking is also unhelpful imho) -
I, for one, really enjoyed your story.
I really love your use of language, it’s easy to understand, yet you create a very crisp, clear image with a sense of mystery. That said, your sentence structure seems a little abrupt at the start. I’m not sure if this was a deliberate stylistic choice or not, but it might be worth considering jujjing things up, especially in periods with lots of description, where it felt a little clangy :/ (idk If you know what I mean lol)
You might want to vary your word choice a little too – as the repetition of the word ‘ash’ started to get a little grating after a while as it didn’t seem to be something done for effect. Another note, and probably one that could have been avoided with a little more proof reading, is consistency with your pronouns – you switch between it and he a fair few times.
The beginning and end were far stronger than the middle, which was, in my opinion, a little info dump-y. I think you did a great job setting up atmosphere to begin with, and then the ending and the whole idea of erasing history was something I found deeply interesting, but I must admit, I kinda skim-read the middle. This might be an issue of personal taste – I know some people are really into this sort of straight world-building, but I don’t think it made for a great short story. It probably would’ve been great as a larger piece, or even if you maybe interspersed your lore-drops with your framing device. But again, I was much more invested in your framing device, and wanted to know who this figure was, and what exactly they were doing, as opposed to a ton of worldbuilding.
I did really like those parts though. The amount of atmosphere you built up was deeply engaging, and really, I think that’s probably where the epistolary section fell short – you didn’t take us there, which after the loving detail you poured into the setup, was a little disappointing. I wanted more of that slow-burn, quiet, reflective atmosphere! I did like it though =)
Overall, I think your story, whilst a little rough around the edges, was generally an enjoyable read, and had a great twist that, ‘landed’ really well =)
I’m gonna be honest, the first thing that struck me was your formatting. It’s not a big deal, but I personally found it very difficult to read, and had to copy and paste it into Word to be able to. I’m guessing what you did was type it up on Word and then just copy and paste into the guild or something to that effect? Which, nothing wrong with that, but I’d seriously recommend taking the time to go and and extra space between paragraphs if you do that. Doesn’t take too long, and it’ll make your work just that little bit easier to read.
In general, I found a lot of your sentence structures to be a little awkward, which, combined with your at times obscure (e.g. gloaming, which, call me uncultured, I had to google) word choice, made for a more difficult read than I think it could’ve been. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and maybe put this down to difficulties proofreading, but if not, this is definitely an area I think you could benefit from working on.
That said, loved some of your imagery - especially that bit of mirroring at the end, with the water looking like blood and there actually being blood, I thought it was really clever and well thought through. In general, I quite liked your foreshadowing - like the bit where she’s staring at his mouth (that was the real ‘oh shit!’ moment for me). I liked your use of an unreliable narrator - you take full advantage of the first person perspective, and it works really well to give the reader that dawning sense of horror that I think is probably your story’s biggest strength. Horror is a difficult genre, even for more visceral mediums like film, nevermind prose, but I think you did a great job, so well done.
I didn’t like this, sorry. And I’m not trying to be petty, I had some very genuine concerns.
I’m probably going to be quite harsh, if only because you clearly want in depth critique if the things you mentioned are accurate, and because, if your self-critique is anything to go by, you haven’t taken a very critical view of your own writing, and it’s clearly meant to be a finished product.
I feel like you were far to focused on ‘wordplay’ as you call it and trying to sound clever as opposed to actually writing with clarity. A lot of your wording feels clunky, and it did not make for a smooth read. You said a lot of things that didn’t really seem to mean anything beyond you thinking it sounded cool, which then only serve to confuse the reader.
I feel like your story had some rather… unfortunate implications, particularly regarding rape/sexual assault, and mental illness which, I’m going to be honest, really rubbed me the wrong way, something not helped by your self-commentary.
Let’s start with the mental illness aspect. So. You made it very clear in our earlier discussion that you were aiming to create a black and white villain. The narrative also makes it fairly clear that your narrator is supposed to be evil toward the end. The main thing driving this villainy however, is what appears to be some form of psychosis (not a psychologist, just somebody bothered by inaccurate and stigmatising portrayals of mental illness in the media.). Based off the incredibly diminutive comments in your self ‘critique’, and the genuinely bizarre symptom presentation, I’m going to assume you’ve done very little research in preparation for this portrayal, which I think really takes a lot away from your story’s quality.
Your decision to have your character ‘go mad’ instantly reduces your character’s motivation to one of incredibly inaccurate biology, as opposed to the more complex ideology you seemed to be setting us up for in the beginning. Personally, I’m fascinated by what it is that makes people do bad things. Often the reasoning is complex, built up from years of societal pressures, personality aspects, and upbringing. Even where mental illness is involved (which, in reality, it most often isn’t), other factors most always come into play. By blaming your character’s wrongdoing almost entirely on his psychosis, you miss out on the opportunity to explore the far more interesting ideas at play.
Aside from the poor storytelling, I feel like it should go without saying that equating mental illness with evil is incredibly dubious.
Now… the… err, the rape subplot -_-
I was unimpressed, to say the least. In all honesty, I don’t even want to discuss this aspect of your work, because quite frankly it made my stomach turn.
The damage done by rape is not to a woman’s reputation. It is not to her intrinsic value. It is not to her ‘honour’ or other such medieval nonsense.
It is the utter horror of having someone violently rip away that most intimate part of yourself, of having any sense of bodily autonomy, of choice, of strength, stripped away in the barest instant.
Any modern work using a rape subplot in order to further the development of a character other than the victim? Just… best not. If you don’t have time to treat the subject with the proper care and attention it needs, you’re much better off just not including it. And if you feel the need to fall back on lazy cliches such as ‘white flowers being symbolic of purity’, then really this isn’t a topic you should be touching with a barge pole.
The implication that a woman who was been raped is no longer ‘pure’... just… no. That’s incredibly offensive to survivors, who frequently struggle with the idea of having been ‘ruined’ or being ‘dirty’ because of their experience. Virginity and rape have nothing to do with each other. Rape is just as traumatic to someone who has had fifty sexual partners as it is to someone who’s had none. Rape is deeply traumatising, and something that at least some of your readers doubtless have personal experience with, yet here you are, using it as a cheap sub plot which is a) quickly forgotten about, and b) seems to serve little narrative purpose.
I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you were genuinely unaware of these implications. But still, I feel like your work would greatly benefit from even the barest amount of research if you are going to be touching upon such delicate subjects as these. If you are putting your work up to be seen, you need to be wary of the fact that your readers will have had different life experiences to you, and may find portrayals such as these to be quite upsetting, and not in a good way.
I thought this was an interesting and creative take on the prompt, and you did a great job creating a sense of mystery and intrigue. I liked your use of language too, and you did a great job creating strong, contrasting senses of atmosphere in all three sections of your work in a relatively small space, which was great =)
I would’ve liked to know more about Dahlia and why she does the things she does, as I don’t feel like it was particularly clear from the story presented. The way she related to the other characters in your story seemed to be given more attention, and those relations were interesting, but I didn’t really get a strong sense of who she was through them. I think this probably could’ve been remedied had we gotten to spend a little more time with her, but I guess that’s probably more due to practical constraints than anything else.
Overall, a strong, original concept with some good writing - but I would deffo like to know more!
Ooh, I thought this was very interesting, and I loved that twist ending (I won’t spoil for anyone yet to read it =P). I thought you took a creative approach to the prompt, and I really felt for Lyra - you made an interesting and complex protagonist and did a good job of getting me invested, and it paid off at the end. I wanted to route for her, and was genuinely surprised at the end, although at the same time I was like ‘of course she did that’ - always a good sign!
Areas where I think you could improve would perhaps be giving it another couple of passes over at the proofreading stage. Personally, I find that you’re best able to proofread if you give yourself at least a week between editing and writing - you’re less attached to the writing, and more likely to notice awkward phrasing or overly complex sentence structures that make your writing more difficult to get through. I did like the approach you took to descriptions though, and Lyra’s perspective and the details she chose to focus on enhanced both her character, the story, and the general sense of atmosphere, so good job!
Your story was well structured, and had good bones, and you presented an interesting narrative exploring the theme of corruption. It’s an interesting quandary, one that real world politics often struggles with - ‘at what point does trying to protect people start to hurt them?’, and I liked the fact that you chose to present this struggle from the point of view of a town guard, as opposed to someone with real power like a king or something.
That said, I feel like you included a lot of unnecessary information in your opening. I felt more like I was reading what someone’s OOC or CS as opposed to a short story. The core of your story is Sir Morgan, yet we don’t meet him until over half way through. I know that world building can be fun, and it sometimes feels like we need the reader to understand exactly how we’re picturing something, but sometimes you need to trust your readers to fill in the blanks. If your setting is a prosperous merchant town with a town guard, that’s all we need to know for the story to still make sense and your meaning to get across. The impression of a place is usually more important than the fine details (the exception to this, of course, being in RP, where it’s important people are on the same page).
Overall though, your writing was clear and understandable, and your narrative was well focused. I think you did a good job, so well done :)
I liked this :) I think you made great use of the epistolary format - really giving us a look inside the character’s head, and developing a reasonably strong sense of voice to match. It wasn’t any longer than it needed to be, and you didn’t deliver overtly complex exposition, instead trusting the reader to fill in any unimportant details themselves.
I enjoyed the theme of ‘what happens to soldiers in peacetime?’ it’s an oldie but a goodie. One note that I’d like to make is that I personally found myself connecting to your character on more of an intellectual level than an emotional one. Whilst you had a great throughline, and a strong arc that was easy to track from start to finish, I think perhaps fleshing out your narrator a little more and maybe making the ending a little more subtle could have helped your story resonate more with me personally (although this is a very personal thing, so others may have had a different response).
In summary, whilst the emotional impact of your story could perhaps have been helped by rounding out your character a little more, I think you delivered a strong, clear narrative that followed clearly from start to finish and left the reader with something to think about.
I genuinely wish I could vote for more than one lol, and it was a tough choice, but I'm gonna go with @gowia because I found the protagonist to be interesting, and the take on the prompt comparatively original (also it made me feel things)
Alice swiped a manicured nail down her phone screen, exiting out of her insta and the selfie she took at home earlier in her baby pink pyjamas with Snowball sat on her lap, the caption proclaiming how she was all set for a day of TLC with her favourite pooch. The light illuminating her perfectly made up face switched to a cool yellow as Snapchat loaded up and she checked her feed. Nothing interesting. She exited the app, flicked through several more, seemingly oblivious to the conversation going on around her, before, eventually she set the phone down on the table in front of her.
With a raised eyebrow, she surveyed the faces around the table, each wearing expressions of various levels of perturbation. Vinnie was being a pig, as per usual, whilst Reika seemed to be making yet another attempt to prove how big and strong she was. Honestly. Jane seemed to be trying to be reasonable for some reason, and Rachel was being, well, Rachel. And to think these were the people she chose to spend her time with. Really, it was a shame about Frederika, but Alice could think of more important things to be concerned about.
Like Reika’s apparent attempts to get them all found out.
“Really, Reika? You’ll kill them? Need I remind anyone of the mess you left behind after the incident with Vinnie’s last problem client?” she said, taking a sip of her own glass of clear, plain water, the pink gloss from her lips lightly staining the rim as she set it back down, “I know pissing up lamp posts is a particular hobby of yours, but is now really the time to be asserting your dominance?” she batted her eyelashes, giving the woman a sweet smile, “you might make the rest of us think you have something to gain from this, ah, situation.”
At 5'11", Noah is tall and skinny, with a life spent pouring over computer screens and forgetting to eat has left Noah lacking any particular physical prowess. He cares about his appearance, but not for fashion, instead going after items representative of his own, occasionally odd, tastes irregardless of whether certain items actually look good or clash to the point of possibly causing an international incident. He also wears a medical alert bracelet.
Age:
25
Occupation:
Officially, field reporter for Cryptid Weekly, a surprisingly popular, but small US based publication dedicated to sightings of the strange and unusual.
Unofficially, SEEKER OF THE TRUTH!
Starting Location:
A small town in Michigan, following up on a Wendigo sighting.
History:
As a child, Noah was obsessed with cryptozoology - anything strange, unusual, or possibly supernatural caught his eye. He would spend hours in front of the TV with his Nan watching documentaries about ghosts, aliens, folkloric creatures such as the wendigo and the kraken. Whilst his parents were concerned, they put it down to childish fascination, something he would surely grow out of with time.
He didn't.
He started writing a blog, 'Catalogue of the Weird' at the age of around 15, dedicated to cryptozoology, which garnered not insignificant attention from interested parties. Around the same time, he started realistically thinking about how he could pursue a career that aligned with his particular interests, and ended up at Imperial College London studying biochemistry, with a view to becoming involved in astrobiological research groups active in the university.
Around the same time, his blog had started to pick up steam, something which his supervisor soon picked up on. He was taken aside, and 'had words with', told in no uncertain terms that if he wanted to be accepted as a serious scientist, he would need to 'drop the kooky conspiracy theories'. He took to the internets that same night, and wrote a long blog post ranting about 'eliteism' and 'pressures to conform' - the final nail in the coffin of any potential career in research.
It was then that he was approached by the editor of 'Cryptid Weekly', who'd read his blog, and wanted to hire him as one of their reporters. Noah jumped at the chance, packing up his life in Portsmouth and moving to be closer to the Boston-based publication. He has been working there for about 2 years, and whilst the pay isn't fantastic, he likes his job and coworkers enough to make up for it, even if he is haunted by a nagging frustration.
@Lmpkio Awesome =D Another question (Sorry!) But do TERRA have a sort of 'home base'? I might just be being unobservant, but I didn't see any mention of it in your original post, just that they're international and have lots of outposts
Edit - This is my first hooman, I kinda left her location as just vaguely US based further to my above inquiry
Appearance: At 5'6", Grace is a little on the tall side, and thanks to TERRA's physical training programme, has fairly muscular proportions. At work, she is always dressed professionally, even whilst meeting with her charges, regardless of the weather. During her free time, she usually opts for a similarly sleek, sophisticated wardrobe, funded by her expansive salary. At work she usually wears her hair up, in either a bun or a ponytail, although at home she is more prone to wearing it down.
Age: 36
Occupation: Agent of Terra - Human Resourcing department
Sarah is a member of the team charged with tracking down individuals who may be of interest to TERRA, and acting as a liason between more… difficult individuals and the higher ups of TERRA.
Starting Location: Sarah was alone in her apartment, enjoying a nice glass of wine before bed, when she got the call, well before any mainstream news outlets even thought about broadcasting the story, that something involving the Kaiju had happened. Within the hour, she was at work, liaising with existing contacts, and searching through the various platforms available to her for indications of individuals showing themselves to be front and centre of this rapidly unfolding disaster.
History: As a child, Sarah always thought she wanted to be a lawyer. So, she got good grades and did all the right extra curriculars, and so, by the time she was 21 and ready to enroll in law school, it was as big of a shock to her as anyone else when she chopped her hair down to a pixie cut, got a tattoo, and bought a plane ticket to South America to 'save the rain forests'.
After several years of failing to find herself, a few too many attempts from her mother to send her to rehab, and a lot too many nights sat around a campfire listening to somebody butcher Bob Dylan on guitar, Sarah returned home, dejected. She didn't fee like she'd achieved much of anything, and circumstances meant it was too late for her to enrol in law school.
More lost than ever, she moved out, got an apartment and a string of failed relationships, and settled into a corporate job she hated just to avoid being a further strain on her ageing parents.
Which was when she was approached by TERRA.
To this day, she still isn't sure what drew them to her, but she's not complaining. She likes her job, and actually feels like she's making a difference.
@Lmpkio Quick question - but for one of my human characters, I was thinking of having her be sort of involved with tracking down 'individuals of interest' for TERRA and acting as a liaison for TERRA with said individuals - would that be okay?
Member
