Okay. Here we go, round 1 of CS reviews coming up. Apologies if I come off as harsh - I've got a bunch to do, so I'm only really hitting the areas that might want a tune up. If I don't mention it, chances are high that I liked it.
@MissCapnCrunch A very unique idea! Clockpunk has always been a favorite aesthetic of mine. I have three main notes that you may wish to address - the first being that her appearance doesn't seem to match with her nature as a clockwork girl recreated from a mangled body, unless Daedalus did an absurdly good job fixing her up to be normal. Second, her powers could be massively improved, if you wanted; this is, though a dark one, something of a superhuman RP, and I am worried that Charlize might be left without much to do if her only enhancements are 'permanent homeostasis'. Finally, her backstory at the moment reads a little more 'magical' than sci-fi, in that it seems like her father's efforts to rebuild her with random garbage actually had some effect, which is a stretch even by the incredibly stretchy sci-fi rules we've made here. An option you could consider is having her father actually have been a Daedalus Corp employee, which would explain not only how she passed into their possession but also how / why / if his attempt had any success. Something to consider.
@TheGrundlesnart The Dog! I really like how you played with the CS format to make it seem more like a document. Don't really have any specific notes, so, well done.
@Ever Alice is interesting - definitely an especially dark character. I think the CS could benefit from a bit more specific detail about her modifications as well as the experiences she's had growing up - she's come very far from the five year old that was stolen, so seeing some events from her life since then that lead to her development might be interesting.
@Hellion I only have one real note about Sam, which is that I'm not entirely sure what her powers can do - is 'manipulating tattoos' purely affecting the way they look, or something more? If the former, you could certainly put a bit more juice into it, if you want - your choice, of course.
@GingerBoi123 Gotta love a good cyber-soldier. The Ronin is great - I think he'd do well as a contrast to the other characters and work with the 'revenge' narrative well. My only note is that he seems very rooted in the trope of cyberpunk style soldier, and while there's nothing wrong with that I think he could benefit from some specific backstory elements or personality traits to set him apart as 'unique' (the 'favorite thing to do' is a good opportunity for this - the question is on the sheet because it can make characters feel more 'alive', if that makes sense).
Alright, I did it, finally. Again, these are all just suggestions - you're not obligated to take them and if you don't, that doesn't necessarily mean you won't get a spot. Thank you all so much for the great work, reading these CSes has been an absolute delight!
I should also probably get mine done at some point, come to think of it.
@MissCapnCrunch A very unique idea! Clockpunk has always been a favorite aesthetic of mine. I have three main notes that you may wish to address - the first being that her appearance doesn't seem to match with her nature as a clockwork girl recreated from a mangled body, unless Daedalus did an absurdly good job fixing her up to be normal. Second, her powers could be massively improved, if you wanted; this is, though a dark one, something of a superhuman RP, and I am worried that Charlize might be left without much to do if her only enhancements are 'permanent homeostasis'. Finally, her backstory at the moment reads a little more 'magical' than sci-fi, in that it seems like her father's efforts to rebuild her with random garbage actually had some effect, which is a stretch even by the incredibly stretchy sci-fi rules we've made here. An option you could consider is having her father actually have been a Daedalus Corp employee, which would explain not only how she passed into their possession but also how / why / if his attempt had any success. Something to consider.
@TheGrundlesnart The Dog! I really like how you played with the CS format to make it seem more like a document. Don't really have any specific notes, so, well done.
@Ever Alice is interesting - definitely an especially dark character. I think the CS could benefit from a bit more specific detail about her modifications as well as the experiences she's had growing up - she's come very far from the five year old that was stolen, so seeing some events from her life since then that lead to her development might be interesting.
@Hellion I only have one real note about Sam, which is that I'm not entirely sure what her powers can do - is 'manipulating tattoos' purely affecting the way they look, or something more? If the former, you could certainly put a bit more juice into it, if you want - your choice, of course.
@GingerBoi123 Gotta love a good cyber-soldier. The Ronin is great - I think he'd do well as a contrast to the other characters and work with the 'revenge' narrative well. My only note is that he seems very rooted in the trope of cyberpunk style soldier, and while there's nothing wrong with that I think he could benefit from some specific backstory elements or personality traits to set him apart as 'unique' (the 'favorite thing to do' is a good opportunity for this - the question is on the sheet because it can make characters feel more 'alive', if that makes sense).
Alright, I did it, finally. Again, these are all just suggestions - you're not obligated to take them and if you don't, that doesn't necessarily mean you won't get a spot. Thank you all so much for the great work, reading these CSes has been an absolute delight!
I should also probably get mine done at some point, come to think of it.
