rpg101 — Roleplayer Guild

The ramp leading to the cargo bay of the Yondaime started to lower, revealing the harsh midday sun of the planet. Captain Alex squinted in the light, holding his arm up to block the rays of light. Beside him, Jster was holding the duffel bag full of .gifs over his shoulder, a pair of shades over his eyes. Goldmarble and Drakel were making the rounds of the ship, making sure that the crate of the G.B. weaponsystem was well hidden from any scanners.

Alex removed a cigarette from his shirt pocket and placed it in his mouth, “He’s waiting in the cantina. I’ll go in and make the trade, don’t follow until I give you the order.”

“Really think he’ll back out of the deal?”

The captain shrugged, reaching to the side and removing Jster’s lighter from his assault vest. He bent his head down so he could light the cigarette, only replying when he had fresh nicotine pouring into his body. “I don’t think so, but I’m not handing over the .gifs until I have the money right in front of me.”

“You got it,” Jster plucked the lighter back and started to make his way down the ramp.

While the rest of the crew stayed with the ship, the two of them crossed through the relatively small town. Considering its size, you could almost say that the town was positively bustling with activity. It only had two streets (Main Street and Martin Luther King Drive) but both were full of market stalls with the locals yelling over each other in order to find the best deals. A few people gave Alex and Jster glances, but offworlders were not completely uncommon in the town, and they were left mostly unmolested.

At the cantina, Jster took a seat in one of the rocking chairs on the porch of the bar so he could wait for his captain’s signal. He placed the duffel bag at his feet and started to busy himself with lighting a cigarette. He nodded to Alex to show that he was ready, and the captain made his way inside.

For a frontier town, the bar had its share of occupants. Workers sat at the bar, men played poker at assorted tables throughout the room, women (whores, mostly) sat on the laps of men who had just received their payday, and someone was playing that fucking cliché saloon song on an organ. Nestled almost in the corner, but just far enough away to be not be considered shady, was the contact. He was nursing a beer, stroking his freshly shaven face.

Alex sat opposite the man, who simply waved for the server to bring a drink. As he waved, a wedding ring sparkled from his hand.

A waiter brought the Yondaime captain a bottle of beer and shuffled off. Alex smiled and took a sip of the drink. It tasted foul.

“I remember my first one of those,” he said wistfully, nodding to the bottle of beer in Alex’s hand.

“I know you do.”

A smirk, “It’s good to see you Captain.” The man had served with Alex in times gone by, but he had gotten married shortly before Guildfall and had evacuated during Order 66. Now he had a quiet life, smuggling .gifs, porn, and minor drugs like heroin under the eyes of the government of Spamopolis. “I hope that the information I gave you was correct?”

“Depends, do you have the payment?”

He smiled and picked up a briefcase he had at his feet. He placed it gently on the table and opened it a bit so that Alex could see the contents.

Alex smiled at what was inside. It was all there, he was still an honorable man. “Okay, then.” He tapped the Bluetooth com-link on his ear, “Jster, bring it in.”

The doors opened, and Jster entered, his left hand holding the duffel bag over his shoulder and his right resting on the pistol at his hip. He walked across the cantina floor, a few people giving looks to the bag. He smiled and dropped it at the fence’s feet, the contents rustling a bit.

“There’s one more thing,” the man said, leaning close to Captain Sora. “I know that you took the job because the train was carrying the weapon system, but you need to be careful. With the rules put down by the Mods with the settlement of this system, they’re not giving as much leeway as they used to. If you’re holding onto it for sympathetic value, that’s fine, but please be safe. If you use it, you may get more than a slap on the wrist.”

Alex smiled, “Thanks for the money Drago.”

* * *

Border Planet of Mar Sara
Member Lounge – Spam Sector Border

He held the wire up so that the two others could make their way up the fence and hop down onto the ground. Only once they were safely off the fence did he allow himself to crawl under the razorwire and drop to the other side. They were at least ten miles from any border crossing, so they were safe from any nasty intervention by the soldiers.

Slowly, he led them forward, making sure that they were out of the site of any patrols that happened to get even slightly close to them. In the light of the stars, one could barely make out the turtle tattoo he had on his arm, or the nasty B that he had branded on his left wrist, just below the second brand of a hammer. He was going to get back into that Sector, it was his home, and damn anyone that thought they were able to stop him.

Such thoughts were still in his head by the time three jeeps surrounded him and the men he was attempting to lead across the border.

Legion Base Camp
Mar Sara Border Planet

He was nursing his pipe, admiring the night of the harsh brutal desert that made up the majority of Mar Sara. Many considered it a wasteland, but it worked well as a training ground for the soldiers, breeding them from soft spammers into strong Legionnaires. Besides being a training ground, the planet was useful for little else besides operating as a Border post for those attempting to get into the Sector. It was one of the Gateways, and he had a vice grip on just about every one of them, effectively controlling who got in, or out, of the Spam Sector.

“Sir,” a voice from the doorway to his quarters said.

“What is it Sergeant?”
“We’ve brought back a group of Banned who were attempting to cross the wire. One of them says that he knows you.”

“Criminals say a great many things,” he removed the pipe from his mouth and blew a smoke ring at the glass. “Doesn’t mean they’re true.”

“What do you want us to do with the prisoners then sir?”

“What prisoners?” He asked. The sergeant nodded and removed himself from the man’s room.

He didn’t flinch at the gunshots.

Episode 2 [+]

The ship entered the atmosphere of the planet of Com26, its engines screeching as KillBones insisted on riding the brakes. In the common area, Jster, Goldmarble, and Drakel held on to the railing on the ceiling, screaming profanities at KB and his terrible driving abilities. In his quarters, Captain Sora held on to the blonde he had invited on the ship to ‘see the stars’.

Entering the planet’s atmosphere was a difficult experience, mostly because KillBones got his pilot’s license from a cutout of a cereal box, but at least the landing tended to be much smoother. KillBones flashed the planet’s police their credentials (consisting of their Legion service, their porno “Two Crewmen, One Cabin, and Six Goats”, and a bribe of Celine Dion concert tickets) and brought the Yondaime towards one of the designated landing zones located in the main city of the planet.

The roar of the engines managed to fade to a dull growl while the majority of the crew assembled in the cargo bay. KillBones was to stay with the ship in the event that an immediate takeoff was required, but the rest were allowed to ravage the city with the pay they had received after they had turned in the .gifs to Drago.

A sweaty but satisfied Alex made his way down a flight of stairs, hurriedly pulling on his overcoat. His trousers were held up by his holster and belt, while his Men’s Wearhouse dress shirt was largely unbuttoned. Goldmarble clucked his tongue as they waited for their captain.

“Captain,” Drakel said, “I understand that flying to random planets is part of our job description, mainly so you can bang whatever tart you drag onboard, but,” he looked at the general terribleness of the Com26 landscape, “but this place really looks like shit.”

“He wasn’t a tart,” Captain Sora said, smiling. “Besides, we’re not here to show some possibly Space Transmitted Infection ridden man the stars, we have a job. Honestly, the fact I got laid was entirely coincidental.”

Jster placed a cigarette into his mouth, “Really? A job here?”

“Aye,” Alex dug a dataslate out of the inner pocket of his brown overcoat and tossed it to the man. “We’re huntin’ a bounty.”

“Cor, blimey,” Goldmarble said, looking over Jster’s shoulder. “I remember her, why is there a bounty on her head? She used to be a superstar back in the Game Coliseum before Guildfall. Ran one of the most fuckin’ successful games the Guild ever saw.”

“Can’t say what she did, but that’s a lot of credits.” Alex replied. “I think there’s some information on this planet. I know the planetary governor and his girlfriend, so I’m hoping they can tell us something about the mark.” He stole a cigarette from Jster’s pocket, “You boys can enjoy the town, I’m heading to the Governor’s Mansion. Keep your com-links on no matter what, or who, you’re doing. We might need to meet back here at a moment’s notice.”

The planet may have had the look of a Mahz-forsaken shithole, but it was a surprisingly busy place. The planetary governor had received control of the planet after making a deal with the previous owner, and when a metric fuckton (the Canadian measurement) of minerals had been discovered barely below the surface of the planet, he earned himself a huge fortune. With the exception of freighters that arrived to carry off the minerals and the immigrants who arrived to work the mines, Com26 saw very little off world traffic .People came for the precious ores, not for the lifestyle offered by the towns scattered across the planet.

The majority of the people in the town gave Alex and his crew weird looks. Nearly everyone was involved with the mining industry in some way, for if they were not miners themselves, then they cooked, cleaned, or cybered with them. A band of freelancers like Alex and his crew was an extremely rare site, since most men had no reason to set foot planetside. The town didn’t even have that many visiting bounty hunters, since no criminal was stupid enough to actually use the planet as a hideout.

The mansion rose above the capital. With the exception of the refineries, there were barely any two story buildings in the city. The mansion was a testament to the Eastern style, and could only be built by those with too much money and a vast fascination with anime. It rose nearly seven stories skyward and was outfitted with a number of sloped roofs, gardens, and banners. Armed guards patrolled the gate in front of the building, and turrets with dual linked autocannons kept an eye on the populace below. It had been built by the sweat and blood of thousands of minimum wage workers, funded by the planetary governor’s vast mineral wealth, all so he could win the affection of his beloved.

On showing his identifications, the guards opened the wrought iron gate and waved Captain Alex inside. A butler brought him into an elaborate parlor, where numerous pictures of various anime characters hung on the wall, and instructed him to wait for the masters of the house. He waited on a plush, purple couch for nearly ten minutes before the door leading deep into the house opened and the planetary governor walked in.

“It’s so good to see you Captain Sora.”

“You too Zed,” Alex lied. He held up the dataslate containing the basic info on the bounty, “I was wondering if you could help me find someone. You know her, and I thought you could give me some intel.” He handed the dataslate over to Zed, who skimmed the details.

“Well you came to the right place. I-“

“YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH, ASSFRUIT. I DON’T GIVE A FLYING SHITORANGE IF YOU’RE THE GOVERNOR OR NOT, YOU DON’T OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH UNLESS I SAY YOU CAN YOU FUCKNG MAGGOT.”

“Oh dear,” Zed said, “that’s my girlfriend.”

“I’M NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND YOU WORTHLESS SHITBLASTER. NOW KEEP YOUR GODDAMN FUCKBIRD TRAP SHUT OR I’LL SHOVE A FUCKING SHOVEL SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOU’LL DIG A TUNNEL TO CHINA EVERY TIME YOU SHIT.”

“But honey, we agreed, if I built this house for you, our Facebook relationship status would be-“

“SAY ANOTHER GODDAMN WORD YOU ASS-SQUEEZE, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR SHITBOOK.”

“Why can’t you love me?” Zed asked.

“I’LL SHOW YOU LOVE, THUNDERCUNT.”

Alex smiled, “Hello Smiral.”

Episode Tres [+]

Smiral looked over the dataslate that Alex had handed her. “Heh, so you’re looking for her?”

“That’s right,” Captain Sora said, crossing his arms. “Half a million credits for her location, a million to turn her in.”

The weeaboo pursed her lips, “It doesn’t say what she did to earn such a high bounty. You could be basically committing a kidnapping for this money.”

“It was put over the official channels, so it’s not a criminal action to turn her in. Although killing her still is.” He shrugged, “But I don’t want to hurt her, I just want the million.”

Smiral handed the slate back to him. “Could be that I know where she is. Could be that she came by and wanted a place to hide out.”

“And you’d be willing to stab her in the back?”

“Don’t be so shocked you shithouse, everyone has a price.” Smiral walked over to a plush couch and plopped down on it, kicking her feet up. “Zed,” she commanded, “grab Captain Sora and I something to drink.”

Zed nodded and hurried out of the room, leaving his girlfriend alone with Alex. Admittedly, there probably wasn’t any major reason to be worried.

“What’s your price Smiral? Anything reasonable you ask of me would pale in comparison to what you have here.” Alex gestured around them, “This room alone is worth more than the Yondaime.” He placed his hand on a grey armchair, “I mean this fucking thing is made of baby sealskin!”

“You have something much more valuable than money Sora,” Smiral said, “You have a ship. You promise to take me off this Mahz-forsaken rock, and I’ll take you right to that bounty.”

Confusion swept over Alex. “You have more money than you could spend in half a dozen lifetimes. You could buy your own fucking ship and get off this planet at anytime. Why do you need my help?”

“Zed may be a fucking Nerd,” she said, “but he isn’t an idiot. He knows that-“

The door opened and Zed made his way in, carrying a tray filled with a huge variety of drinks. “I didn’t know what you wanted sweety, so I-“

“HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU NOT KNOW WHAT I’D WANT YOU SHITBRICK? WE’VE LIVED IN THIS FUCKING ASSDITCH OF A HOUSE FOR SIX FUCKING MONTHS YOU BITCHGOBLIN. GET YOUR SHITTITS BACK IN THAT KITCHEN.”

Zed, almost in tears, fled out of the room, eager to make Smiral happy. Once he was gone, Smiral returned to the conversation.

“He’s got every spaceport on this fucktard of a rock under alert to not let me board any ships. He’s basically the undisputed god of this planet, anyone who disputes him gets their ass handed to them by his soldiers.”

“So you’re not allowed to leave?”

“Just after he built this house in a glorious failure of an attempt to ‘woo’ me, he put his bank account into my name. If I want to leave, I have to go through the legal processes of taking my name off that account, and I lose his money, and his Netflix subscription. So,” she shrugged, “my options were to drop the money and leave, or keep it and stay on this asscan.” She looked into Alex’s eyes, “And it is a bitchin’ amount of money.”

“Won’t he just remove your name from the account?”

“No, see the-“

“Okay, I grabbed an extr-“

“THAT’S NOT WHAT I FUCKING WANTED YOU FUCKBUCKET! FOR FUCKS SAKE CAN’T YOU DO ANY-FUCKING-THING RIGHT?”

Zed disappeared once more.

“No,” Smiral continued, “see the account will stay in our names unless we’re both present to have it removed. Consent is required from both parties.”

“That…is the stupidiest restriction I’ve ever seen.” Alex said.

“Thank you, I made sure it was laid out that way once he put the account in my name.”

“You were planning this for awhile weren’t you?”

Smiral shrugged, barely hiding a smile that told she was quite pleased with herself. “Only once he told me he was going to put my name on his account. I was originally just going to live in this house and Netflix-binge on anime.”

“So, all you want is for me to take you offworld?” Alex asked.

“Take me as far as Spamopolis,” she said, “that way you won’t leave me on some even worse asscabbage of a planet.”

This was a no brainer. They kept the million for turning in the bounty, Smiral got away from Zed, and she got to keep the untold fortune Zed had accumulated on the planet. There was just one thing to do.

“Since you’re going to have so much of Zed’s money, I think it would be-“

“You’re not getting a single shitpenny of my money,” Smiral said. “You just keep the reward, which I should remind you, is the size of my dick. If you don’t want this bitchin’ of an offer, you’re free to search the planet alone, but you’ll never find her on this asshole world.”

“I could ask Zed,” Alex said, smiling.

“Zed still thinks he has a chance to get laid. I’ll just tell him not to tell you, and anything you say is a lie.”

Captain Sora smiled, “Welp, hard to argue with that kind of logic. Welcome about the Yondaime Smiral. When do you want to bring me and my crew to her?”

“Immediately,” Smiral said, standing up from the sofa. “Give me five minutes to pack my shit and grab enough weed for the voyage.”

* * *

Legion Headquarters
Deep Space

General Toellner watched a squad of recruits from his quarters. They were at the firing range, their bullets finding their marks for the most part. Under the strict guidance of their drillmasters, they were performing admirably on all of their training. Unfortunately they were starting to get cocky, and that wouldn’t do. No unbloodied Legionnaire was allowed to be cocky under his watch. If they didn’t shape up, he’d have an expeditionary force sent to Redat, in the far reaches of the ‘net, that would shave off any cockiness they thought about having.

The door to his quarters opened and a man entered. From the reflection in the glass, Toellner could make out who it was, and it bothered him. The man would never enter without a knock unless the matter was urgent.

“What is it colonel?”

The man held up a piece of paper and placed it on the General’s desk. “A P.M. sent from Spamopolis, sir, it carries the symbol of the Mods.”

“Holmes.”

“Most likely sir.”

Toellner turned and looked at his second in command. “You didn’t come in here just to tell me that I received a P.M.”

“No sir,” the colonel held out a manila folder, “reports from across the Sector about the…matter we discussed earlier sir. The situation is getting worse.”

General Toellner took the folder and flipped through the information, “Mahz leaves his position in Guild Capital and half the sector starts going crazy?” He scowled, “Has there been any sign of Contra or Sophi?”

“Negative sir.”

The older man closed the folder and placed it on the desk, “That means we’ll have to deal with this personally.” He opened the P.M., “If we don’t, Mahz may find the Sector too chaotic on his return. I don’t intend to have any of Spam Sector facing the banhammers.” He looked down and skimmed the note, frowning even more as he did so, “First though, we have an ex-legionnaire to deal with.”

“Sir?”

“Captain Sora is believed to have reacquired the Glitterbomb Weapon System, the Mods won’t take action against it yet since he hasn’t actually used it, but they want us to take it back.” He tossed the paper to the side, “I agree with them. The Glitterbomb in anyone’s hands is too dangerous. Even our own.” He made his way across the room, where a large map of the Sector was pinned to the wall.

“Take half a dozen ships from the 3rd Fleet and go after him. He was last seen heading for Com26, most likely chasing after the bounty we’ve heard so much about.” His intelligence had placed her on that rock for the past two months. He had made sure to know the location of any of the members who had influence before Guildfall.

“I request to have Captain Dervish under my command as well,” the colonel said, “if I’m going to be in the black with the ships, I want him on the ground taking Captain Sora down.”

“Take him,” General Toellner looked at the other man, “good luck Colonel PrimezTime.”

“Sir!”

***

Five ATV’s could be seen riding through the badlands of Com26. At the head of the pack was Smiral, her eyes safe from dust by a pair of goggles, and a lit joint hanging from her mouth. Behind her rode Alex, Jster, Drakel, and Goldmarble, each one of them armed with a rifle and a pistol at their hip. They knew just how dangerous getting this bounty would be, and would have no problem dragging her wounded onto the Yondaime.

They had left the main city of Com26 some hours before, but the bounty was hidden well in the wilds, away from any mining colony or towns. She had made her camp along a bend in one of the few rivers that ran across the planet, nicknamed “Zed’s Slight Curve”. Although she was well hidden, that hadn’t stopped rumors from circulating around her camp, rumors about strange experiments and deformed creatures being seen.

When people began disappearing from across the planet, said to be dragged away by ferocious beasts, then the blame started to fall on the ‘witch in the jungle’.

That was the other odd thing. She had claimed a small piece of land that was just a barren shithole, and yet, in two weeks’ time, it had become a lush jungle. No one knew how, it simply wasn’t possible, and yet , there it was, a fucking jungle in the middle of a wasteland. How could someone alter biology that much in order to defy logic and create life when there was none?

As the ATVs entered the treeline, Alex caught site of a number of figures moving through the streets. He was focused on driving through the trees so he only managed a quick glance, but they looked like they were monkeys, although a second glance gave him the idea that they were dogs. He laughed to himself as they rounded a corner, dogs in trees.

They were forced to drive a few miles into the jungle before they found the bend in the river where the woman had set up camp. A number of carved Aztec totems could be seen surrounding a pile of iron cages, in which were a number of local pets and…what were once humans were imprisoned. The woman herself was looking over a number of tools used to augment the human body, not even giving a glance to the five bounty hunters who had come to capture her.

“Smiral, betraying me so soon?” She asked.

“Sorry,” Smiral said, sounding for all the world like she couldn’t give a shit, “but they had a much better offer.”

Jster leveled his rifle at the Blord, creator of the most beloved game in the Oldguild, a game where millions had clamored to see their favorite blorbs conquer a wild alien planet. Cute and innocent, they were her first artificial lifeforms, and it was a thrill to see them evolve enough to colonize an entire world (before they destroyed themselves following the Blorb Cold War through Mutually Assured Destruction).

“I believe,” Elendra said, “that most people assume I’ve set up shop her at this river because it provided a source of freshwater,” she smiled, “but that isn’t true.” The river began to bubble as shapes started moving towards the land, and Alex thought he saw monkeys in the river. “It’s because it’s the perfect habitat for my precious ahuizotls.”

“Your what?” Goldmarble asked, bringing his rifle to his shoulder.

“They’re just finishing their last meal, but I’m sure they won’t mind another.” Shapes began to rise from the water, shapes that made Alex realize this million credits was going to take some work, and firepower.

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