Esper said
So making friends isn't science then. Only saying I have certain traits like that where I do things and it isn't personal and I don't do sorry very well either because that would also involve lying. Basically I want someone I can relax around and those traits seem to allow that. So how do I speak to someone on a personal level without pissing them off. I also am rather terrible with small talk. No ability to keep the conversation going.

This...Might take more than just some advice. Do you know anyone from Spam in real life? Or do you live around anyone that you've had conversations with before that you enjoyed?

Esper said
So making friends isn't science then. Only saying I have certain traits like that where I do things and it isn't personal and I don't do sorry very well either because that would also involve lying. Basically I want someone I can relax around and those traits seem to allow that. So how do I speak to someone on a personal level without pissing them off. I also am rather terrible with small talk. No ability to keep the conversation going.

Part of it is learning to reach out to people and developing good social skills, like how you were supposed to when you where my age... Also, if people see if you are making an effort to get to know them, they'll usually open up to you.

Esper said
So making friends isn't science then. Only saying I have certain traits like that where I do things and it isn't personal and I don't do sorry very well either because that would also involve lying. Basically I want someone I can relax around and those traits seem to allow that.

So how do I speak to someone on a personal level without pissing them off. I also am rather terrible with small talk. No ability to keep the conversation going.

I don't think you need a list of criteria to know whether you feel comfortable around someone you meet. Either you do, or don't. Hazing people out before you've even given them a chance because they don't seem to fit your criteria wouldn't be very... productive, to talk about it in more detached/scientific terms. Talk to people - if you feel comfortable, accept it, let that be, you don't need to check it against a list of criteria.
To be honest though, if you're unpredictable cold and brusque to people, and don't say sorry when you hurt people, and expect them not to be bothered by that... you're going to struggle to make friends, or to get close to people. A core part of that is caring about them, and them caring about you - so of course if you treat them like shit, that's not gonna happen. Your idea of someone being easy to relax around seems to mean neither you or them caring enough to get hurt or to argue or to ever have any responsibility/commitment to the relationship between the two of you. That's fine - everyone has mates like that, who you're friendly with but aren't exactly super-close to - but be aware that you'll struggle to find really good, lifelong friends who'll stick by you if you act like that and actively look for people who don't care enough about you to ever get bothered or hurt or whatever by you.

Well, general conversation shouldn't piss people off. If you are pissing people off, you need to look at what you're doing that's consistently angering people. Just be polite, and try not to be abrasive. As for small talk stuff, well, lots of people are shite at it. I am, too. Talk about yourself; your interests; and ask about them about their lives. Show an interest in people and their experiences and their thoughts.

BrobyDDark said
This...Might take more than just some advice. Do you know anyone from Spam in real life? Or do you live around anyone that you've had conversations with before that you enjoyed?

Not so much. I can be charming when I want things IRL but otherwise I don't pay others much mind aside from my bff and that is because we grew up together mostly. Even if she emotional and it annoys me she knows I will tear someone a new hole or ten for her if I must. So with her it works.
The question however: why is being honest not socially acceptable, but lying is. With me what you see is what you get and my word is my honor. It is simply no one really asks directly mostly. It has occurred to me that perhaps I should be more assertive without prompting but I figure others would ask if they cared. This leads me to believe they don't care on a level more than shallow. Is this correct or incorrect?

Halo said
I don't think you need a list of criteria to know whether you feel comfortable around someone you meet. Either you do, or don't. Hazing people out before you've even given them a chance because they don't seem to fit your criteria wouldn't be very... productive, to talk about it in more detached/scientific terms. Talk to people - if you feel comfortable, accept it, let that be, you don't need to check it against a list of criteria.To be honest though, if you're unpredictable cold and brusque to people, and don't say sorry when you hurt people, and expect them not to be bothered by that... you're going to struggle to make friends, or to get close to people. A core part of that is caring about them, and them caring about you - so of course if you treat them like shit, that's not gonna happen. Your idea of someone being easy to relax around seems to mean neither you or them caring enough to get hurt or to argue or to ever have any responsibility/commitment to the relationship between the two of you. That's fine - everyone has mates like that, who you're friendly with but aren't exactly super-close to - but be aware that you'll struggle to find really good, lifelong friends who'll stick by you if you act like that and actively look for people who don't care enough about you to ever get bothered or hurt or whatever by you.Well, general conversation shouldn't piss people off. If you are pissing people off, you need to look at what you're doing that's consistently angering people. Just be polite, and try not to be abrasive. As for small talk stuff, well, lots of people are shite at it. I am, too. Talk about yourself; your interests; and ask about them about their lives. Show an interest in people and their experiences and their thoughts.

Why does one apologize for misunderstanding and simply not clarify. Misunderstandings do happen and have no malicious intention on my part. Why then would I be sorry for an act that was a result of different thought processes. It isn't that I never say sorry. It is that I apologize when I am sorry. Not when I am not.

Esper said
Why does one apologize for misunderstanding and simply not clarify. Misunderstandings do happen and have no malicious intention on my part. Why then would I be sorry for an act that was a result of different thought processes. It isn't that I never say sorry. It is that I apologize when I am sorry. Not when I am not.

Matter of taking into accounts other people's feelings, ya know? *shrugs* And sometimes that apology helps mend things.

Esper said
Why does one apologize for misunderstanding and simply not clarify. Misunderstandings do happen and have no malicious intention on my part. Why then would I be sorry for an act that was a result of different thought processes. It isn't that I never say sorry. It is that I apologize when I am sorry. Not when I am not.

Well, in the very specific example of misunderstandings, perhaps apologies are not entirely in order - though, at times, it is nicer to say sorry to express regret that an argument was caused, rather than in an apologetic sense. Ironically, it seems a misunderstanding may have occurred here. Your phrasing certainly did not indicate that you were specifically referring to misunderstandings, and made it seem that you consider apologising in general, for anything, as a "lie".
Everything else I said still stands, though.
Also, sometimes it's the mature thing to apologise even if you don't 100% mean it. Heal rifts, choose your battles, be empathetic to the fact that they were upset, etc.

So empathy. Correct?

Esper said
So empathy. Correct?

Empathy is a thing that exists, yes. Generally it is a good trait to have and will strongly aid you in connecting with the people around you.

Halo said
Empathy is a thing that exists, yes. Generally it is a good trait to have and will strongly aid you in connecting with the people around you.

Empathy and being open minded then. I have the latter. Where can I buy the former?

Esper said
Empathy and being open minded then. I have the latter. Where can I buy the former?

God's Seven-Eleven is just today, soz bbz
I don't know how to answer that question, in seriousness. I've never found it difficult, personally. Simply try to take into consideration how what you say and do may affect others and how it will make them feel. If they are upset or something and you don't know why, or think they "shouldn't" be, try to look at things from their perspective. Empathy is about understanding.

Halo said
God's Seven-Eleven is just today, soz bbzI don't know how to answer that question, in seriousness. I've never found it difficult, personally. Simply try to take into consideration how what you say and do may affect others and how it will make them feel. If they are upset or something and you don't know why, or think they "shouldn't" be, try to look at things from their perspective. Empathy is about understanding.

I understand feelings. I look at the situation. Consider the perspectives of others. Decide the result that gains me the thing I want. In example, bonding. Then I act according to that for the greatest gain for greatest amount of individuals. Sometimes it isn't what I want either and benefits me in no way. This leads me to believe the individual is selfish and does not consider individuals other than themselves in their actions. It bothers me, but not enough to act one way or another or express that I am sorry for a situation they ultimately caused to happen for themselves.

I also try to not inconvenience others if at all possible. Potentially also help them gain something in the process.

Esper said
I don't really need sedative to get people to let me tie them up.

Heh. You and me both.

Thank you my socially savvy friends. This has been educational

Esper said
I understand feelings. I look at the situation. Consider the perspectives of others. Decide the result that gains me the thing I want. In example, bonding. Then I act according to that for the greatest gain for greatest amount of individuals. Sometimes it isn't what I want either and benefits me in no way. This leads me to believe the individual is selfish and does not consider individuals other than themselves in their actions. It bothers me, but not enough to act one way or another or express that I am sorry for a situation they ultimately caused to happen for themselves.I also try to not inconvenience others if at all possible. Potentially also help them gain something in the process.

I'm explaining what empathy is, not saying you don't have it. You state that you don't believe you have it ("where can I buy it"), then argue that you do have it when I try to define it - what can I say? I don't know you; I can't say whether you do or do not act empathetically. I'm giving advice - what you take from what I say is down to you.
All I can say is that I think you look at this in a very detached way. In the end, empathy and friendship and connection is about feeling - not running from or detaching from emotion. It may just be that the way you write and logically express yourself comes across a certain way and that I'm completely wrong. Again, I know nothing about you.

Anyway, look, in summary: just talk to people about common interests, about yourself, and show an interest in them. That's how to talk to someone. From there? If you like 'em, you like 'em, and you let the friendship grow naturally. Do things together, talk together, and so on. *thumbs up brah*

Halo said
I'm explaining what empathy is, not saying you don't have it. You state that you don't believe you have it ("where can I buy it"), then argue that you do have it when I try to define it - what can I say? I don't know you; I can't say whether you do or do not act empathetically. I'm giving advice - what you take from what I say is down to you.All I can say is that I think you look at this in a very detached way. In the end, empathy and friendship and connection is about feeling - not running from or detaching from emotion. It may just be that the way you write and logically express yourself comes across a certain way and that I'm completely wrong. Again, I know nothing about you.Anyway, look, in summary: just talk to people about common interests, about yourself, and show an interest in them. That's how to talk to someone. From there? If you like 'em, you like 'em, and you let the friendship grow naturally. Do things together, talk together, and so on. *thumbs up brah*

It actually was humour. Or at least my stab at it. I wouldn't say I detach but try and remain objective. Furthermore I felt no attack. I merely felt the need to clarify. <3

When you figure out how... can you let me know? <3