@boomlover I like the revision, with what you've added/changed, it makes a more sense.
The one thing that I can say about the spelling/grammar is don't worry about it now, you're not as bad as you were letting on :p And as time goes on, the more you write, and more you read from others, you'll get better. I do second the suggestion
@ArenaSnow gave about using a word document. I do the same thing and it makes things so much easier. If you don't have one on your computer, OpenOffice is a free one, and even using Google docs is great, it saves constantly. But that way, the doc program automaticaly fixes or at least shows your errors so you can fix them before you even post.
The guild server itself is known for crashing every once in a while, so typing everything out in a doc first is a good idea so you don't lose your post. Then you can just copy and paste it here.
I will be away most of the day tomorrow, fishing and then a friends birthday. But whenever you're ready, you can post him in the characters tab and join the rp. :) Any other questions, if I'm not around to answer them, others here would be more than happy to help :)