Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by Vash
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Vash ♣ Ego homini Lupus ♣

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@Vash

I thank you for your consideration, but I am reluctant. It's not the fact that my character is criticized, it's the fact that he seems almost mocked. If specific ways of which he seems 'bland' or blatantly overpowered, where given- that's one thing- but I'm not given specifics, just generalization.

'Your character is a Mary Sue, Your character is overpowered, Your writting is bad, etc.'

That's how it's coming across. If you told me my character is bland because: He lacks personality, his backstory seems copy and pasted, his skillset seems weak- that all I'm receptive to. Yeah, I may be a little adverse to criticism- and I won't go into why- but I do my best to adjust if given the cause for the criticism. So if someone can point out what I need to work on, I'll gladly thank them for their effort and take it into consideration. But as such, you already stated that this is a limited slot RP, and I don't want to take up the slot of someone who has a better flushed out character that fits the setting better.


Yeah, that's the problem, we have 8 now, caits will most likely make 9, Tyrant would make ten, but we have not heard from him since he posted two days ago. No new recruits have shown interest thus far and, if you and Tyrant end up both posting CSs, I'll probably bend if they're both good.

Here's what you need to work on in your bio:

You need to flesh it out way more. By that I mean explain what's going on. What made him viable to join spec ops? Why not join an engineering division of special operations instead? Those do exist. How did he make his armor? Why did they not simply slap a prosthetic leg onto him and get him back to work? Special operations would definitely have the money. Why would he join the pirates? Why not have him leave or discharged for some reason due to being disgruntled or unhappy? There is a lot to work with. Think outside of the box with it. He could have been discharged for "fixing" the general's car and making him crash it for no reason.

Another thing: He came across as being proficient at engineering, stealth, and combat. We figured that since he was in special operations, he would have been trained specially for self defense and not be useless up front. If he was in an engineering division, I could understand your point assessment.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Leolycan
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@Vash

I'll think on it. You'll know shortly.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Voltus_Ventus
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I think I'll be adding a section to my bio detailing my encounter with the boss and being hired.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Vash
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I think I'll be adding a section to my bio detailing my encounter with the boss and being hired.


I'm actually updating my character post (Cougheventuallycough) with an NPC information saying...well, this:

Head mechanic Teddy Grufman.
An toublemaker in his youth, Teddy grew up a farm boy that fixed tractors for a living before taking off when he was sixteen to join an engineering core. He doesn't speak much about his past and the captain doesn't ask considering the man is a wiz with machinery. He and his protege' Nikola have been keeping the engines in tip top shape with barely enough supplies for years.
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Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by Leolycan
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Round 2: Fox

Name:
Nicholas Norstrom
Title:
Nich, Nic, Nico
Age:
27
Gender:
Male
Appearance
Armor
Weapons:
Pistol x2
Superheated Katana
Shaped Charges x4
Miscellaneous items:
Ballcap Radio
Dogtags
Binoculars
Biography:

Born to a simple cyber-merchant family, Nico has been around technology for about as long as he'd been alive. Tinkering with different mechanisms and gizmos, the innermost workings of a machine became almost second nature to the boy. It was this prodigious talent that his father had come to nurture, often taking the boy to his shop so he could better hone and temper the skills of his offspring. By the time the boy turned 10, he was a sought after craftsman by the local people, able to fix and create things others deemed impossible at the time.

Being so focused on his skills, didn’t leave Nic a lot of time to converse with kids his age, often sitting and overhearing stories from the different tradesmen and vagabonds that had been passing through. It wasn’t long before the child felt lonely, but his attempts to connect with those his age were often met with blank stares and ridicule. He was wise beyond his years, seeming almost alien to those he now reluctantly called his ‘peers’, but that didn’t stop him yearning for social connection. As such, Faris was born.

Faris, a very simple automaton, was merely meant to be a plaything for the child of his own design. Though highly unremarkable when dormant, Faris sprung to life at a moment’s notice, retrieving small tools and effects at his creators request. Secretly, he confided in this little machine more than any living thing, seeing it as his only true friend out of all the world.

As Nicholas grew older, he couldn’t help but notice that things were changing around him. His father seemed a bit more on edge, and a sudden influx of unsavory customers had begun making trips to the shop. Nic didn’t really mind it all that much, until his father forbade him from coming into the shop anymore. This was a heavy blow to the boy, one that he would not accept lying down. Machines were his life! How dare his father try to take his only joy in the world from him? So Nicholas began plotting, trying to devise a way that he could sneak into his father’s shop undetected. It was with this idea that he began retrofitting Faris, placing recording hardware and crafting an interface of which to receive information from his newly re-purposed contraption. One night, he decided it was his time to act, and with that, the boy made his way back to his father’s shop.

It wasn’t odd for Nic’s father to spend extra time at the shop, but tonight was odd even for him. It had been well over a few hours, and part of the reason Nic snuck out that night versus waiting any longer. As he crept up behind the shop, an uneasy feeling settled over him. There was a series of loud noises coming from the shop, but this wasn’t the wielding and hammering he had become accustomed to… No, this was much more chaotic. Commanding Faris to scout out the building, the boy ducked against the back wall of the building, slipping inside the door that his father always kept unlocked.

What the boy saw next stunned him, a bloody and beaten man strewn about the floor as a gang of men stood above him, some with blood still fresh on their knuckles. Though he couldn’t get a clear view, he was sure Faris was now in position to see what was going on. Triggering the hud for his machination, the images that were present to the machine would become present to his master… But why was Faris watching him? As the boy began to ponder why his machine was observing him, a harrowing voice rang out from behind him.

“It’s not polite to eavesdrop, kid!” Shaken, Nicholas attempted to turn himself towards the source of the sound, only to feel himself shoved forward to the floor. Even before looking up, he knew all eyes were upon him, “This kid’s snoopin‘ around boss. Want a round in him?”

Looking up from his prone position, Nic’s eyes began to scan the room. Though much remained clouded, the fear distorting his sight, one image was perfectly clear… The body on the floor? His father’s.

“Dad!” the boy pushed himself up from the floor, attempting to rush to his father’s side. He wouldn’t make it very far, as he was pushed down again.

“Nico…” Was all the battered man could utter in reply, reaching out for his boy before one of the men kicked his arm away, causing a heavy groan from the man.

“So, this is your boy, Marcus? I’ve heard so much about him,” A well-dressed figure spoke from the front doorway. It was clear that this was the leader of the group before the boy, his flesh littered with tattoos and piercings that seemed almost as outlandish as his clothes. Still, his mere presence provoked fear in the boy as the man began to make his way towards him.

“Tell me,” the man spoke again, placing himself merely a foot from the boy, “is that little contraption yours?” As Nic matched his gaze, he would realize he was talking about Faris. Hesitant at first, the boy nodded. “I see… And where did you get such a thing, hmm?”

“I- I made it…” Nic whispered inaudibly, before hanging his head. A heavy hand snapped to his chin and forced his head to raise, forced to match his assailants gaze once more.

“Come again?” The man spoke once more, his entire form clouded in a stench of liquor and smoke.

“I made it!” the boy replied, practically shouting in panic.

An odd silence fell over the room as his head was released, the leader turning his back on the boy and directed his attention to his father. After what seemed like an eternity of silence, the man spoke again, “I think this will settle your debts... For now.”

And with that, the boy was knocked unconscious; the last thing he heard was the sound of his father’s protest.



And so the boy would work as a captive for the bandits for many years, patching up their equipment and repairing their machines. Very rarely was he given time to himself to actually enjoy his work, relying on Faris to keep his sanity intact and provide him a symbol of what he longed for. Over time, his despair turned to rage, and fueled his desire to escape. Spending so much time around the bandit’s weapons, he began remembering their schematics and sneaking parts away to replicate them. But that wasn’t enough… He knew as he was, he’d merely get himself killed the moment he stepped out of line, but something had to be done. As time went by, Nich feared he would never get the chance to truly be free, and be doomed to a life of slavery.

Yet, out of his darkness, a glimmer of hope emerged. After a raid, the bandit’s returned to the base with their spoils, all too eager to boast and brag about their new trophies. However, one piece stood out. At first glance, it seemed to be nothing more than a tattered recon suit. To the uninitiated, it was merely a worthless piece of scrap, but to Nicholas… This was his moment. Without fail, his captives tossed their ill-gotten wears on the man for repairs, and with this, he began his work. It took the better part of a year and with it several more bruises and scars, but the armor was finally ready. It enhanced the wearers agility and speed, all while bolstering as little bulk as possible. With this, Nich may actually have a fighting chance. Using Faris, he began surveying the compound, keeping track of patrol routines and guard rotations.

With all the information he could obtain analyzed and processed, Nicholas made his move. With armor and weapons dawned, he snuck his way out of his cell and about the compound. He did well not to draw attention, his movements spurred on by a mixture of fear and purpose… But it wouldn’t be long before the bandits noticed his absence and raised the alarms. Luckily, he had managed to rig explosives to several of the vehicles before making his escape in his own, casting a short glance behind him as the bombs ignited in a glorious burst of flame.



Now free to do as he wished, Nicholas went about searching for his family, only to discover they had packed up and moved on. Some said it was to escape the bastards that had been harassing them for protection; others said it was to escape a tragic memory. No one knew the truth of what had happened, but Nicholas knew this… He was on his own once more. Since his discovery, he’d begin traveling about the world, looking for a purpose for him and his machinations.

For awhile, he merely took odd jobs that others overlooked. Smuggling, demolition work, maintence, or crafting custom gear and machines, all of which he had done in the 3 year span he was alone. However, there was never a day where he didn't look back over his shoulder at least once. Though free from his captors, the fear they had instilled in him was still relevant. Though a freeman in body, he was a slave in mind. Try as he might, he was never able to convince himself that he was truly free... Until the Sky Pirates of the Crimson Dusicyon gave him that chance. With an opportunity to make name for himself and banish his innate fears, Nicholas signed on as a mechanic for the vessel. With Faris at his side, the young man stands ready to face whatever adversity comes his way.

Extra:
Considered a mechanical genius.
Values his machines as if they were people
Standoffish and cynical
Has a soft spot for Faris (his robotic companion shown in picture)
Doesn’t speak on his past
Novice in combat, yet excels in stealth
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Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Vash
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Leo.

This is exceptionally well done. There is a lot of work put into this. Without a doubt I can say that you know of your way around a typewriter when you put your mind to it. The transformation that your character went through to hit this point is phenomenal and you should be proud of yourself.

Accepted. Please have Nico report to the character page post haste.

Sorry for the delay in my back end work. I was hit with a writer's block wall, but it's getting better.

I think we've waited long enough. The IC will go up as soon as I get my two characters done. It won't be until this afternoon but it'll be done today.

All aboard the hype ship!
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Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by DemonTongue
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DemonTongue Extra Terrestrial Cattle Rustler

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All aboard the hype ship!


Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Voltus_Ventus
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All aboard the hype ship!


Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Vash
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Vash ♣ Ego homini Lupus ♣

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Updated Captain Renault's biography...finally.

Preparing IC for shipment.

Finishing up one last biography first before I ship the IC.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Voltus_Ventus
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Indiscriminate use of memes? *Thumbs Up*
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Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Mr_pink
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Mr_pink Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

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Indiscriminate use of memes? *Thumbs Up*


What other kind is there?
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Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by Vash
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Finished Cyrus

@Caits Do not worry about your character, you are still able to take your time and craft your character as you please.

And I should mention again that the only posting speed is once a week, but there is no limit. Post as much as you want and please remember that we have an Etherpad for you to use for collabs between each other. You are free to do so whenever you please or not at all. I however recommend it and from now on I'll try to be in there as much as I can.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by MarshiestMallow
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MarshiestMallow The Marshiest of Mallows

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I think I've covered everything, but am happy for any help with niesha
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by DemonTongue
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I think I've covered everything, but am happy for any help with niesha


I'm being honest; I've been role playing with Vash for well over a year now and I know he won't accept your CS. He tends to be fairly strict when it comes to these things as we've all seen already.

I think the things that stand out to me the most are:

1) Her bio and parts of her appearance don't really fit in with the world. Remember this is mostly cyberpunk with elements of steam-punk. For some reason she comes across as more of a JRPG high fantasy character than a pirate on a distant planet. I'd probably place the blame largely on the design of the bow and her armor.

2) You gave her a tragic backstory that explains how she got her skills and why she's left home, but you never actually mentioned her first run in with the Dusicyon or it's crew. You just say she joined them. From her tiny little island to joined. No in between.

3) This may be me nitpicking but I feel like her bio is also a little squishy. As in not solid. I feel a lot of contradiction when I read it and nothing is all that cohesive. Why is she so convinced that the house fire was deliberate? Why does it take her two years to track down the person who did it when all they are is a scared child? Was he still on the island or did he somehow find a way to jump from island to island evading her? Remember, if he is younger than her and she was eighteen at the time he is most definitely still a teen or child and people that age don't tend to have the same resources available to them as adults.

Just suggesting you tighten things up and find some way to better incorporate them into the world before you call it finished.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Mr_pink
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Mr_pink Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

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Got my first IC post up. Getting that banter going.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by DemonTongue
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DemonTongue Extra Terrestrial Cattle Rustler

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Got my first IC post up. Getting that banter going.




Also butts.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by MarshiestMallow
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Thanks. I'll address these. Half of what I wanted got lost and I couldn't remember, but I'm feeling a lot better today so I shall get to it

I've had lots of sleep!
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Penultimate_Pi
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Oh, geez. I think I piled the angst on a bit thick there. Just leaving a bad taste in my mouth there...

I'll figure this out soon, I swear!
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by NuttsnBolts
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I'll make a post when I get home tonight. Gotta love 10hr shifts. T.T

EDIT : Posted. :)
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by Voltus_Ventus
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@NuttsnBolts Nikola is a tech wizard, if you need help with that taste problem then a fix can be arranged.

@Leolycan Um.. I'm sorry if this comes off as possibly a bit brash but would it be possible if you could change your characters first name? Our names are a tad similar you see but if you've got your heart set on keeping him as Nicholas, I don't mind changing.
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