Dervish said
Step one: Clubbing prospective mates to take them back to your dwelling is considered cruel and primitive. Stick to roofies.

Step two: Wear enough cologne to make plants wither and die. It drives prospective mates crazy trying to find your natural scent that they are naturally drawn to you, despite the tears.

Step three: Only wear tear away track pants for obvious reasons. Time is of the essence.

Step four: Flowers and candle lit dinners are fine and all, but your prospective mate is more impressed if you take down big game and bring it to their dwelling as a gift.

Step five: Install key locks on the inside of your dwelling; this prevents your prospective mate from leaving before the courtship is concluded.

Step six: Nobody likes poppy romance music. Black metal reminds your prospective mate that their time is finite, and they should definitely find a mate before it is too late.

Step seven: Instead of rose pedals leading to the bedroom, leave condoms. It then becomes a game to determine which one your prospective mate will choose.

Step eight: When assuming the position, make sure it is a dominating one. Your prospective mate will not be impressed if they are overpowering you. They want to see that you aren't to be fucked with, which makes you worthy of fucking. See step four.

Step nine: Once finished, make sure at least 25% of your prospective mate's body is covered in bruises. Anything less means they will not be satisfied and will find a better mate who will show them who's boss.

Step ten: Give them a relaxing bubble bath. Bonus points if you provide a rubber ducky.

Step eleven: Brush your prospective mate's hair to make sure that none of your critters escaped during step 8.

Step twelve: Order pizza. This is not negotiable.

Step thirteen: Make plans for next week, but show up the day before. This shows you aren't bound by laws of men.

Congratulations! You are now the master of any relationship.

Turtlicious said
Rape jokes are funny I guess.

Dervish said
Rape is never funny.
Not even if it involves a clown.

Turtlicious said
ITT: Dervish makes light of rape.

Turtlicious said
ITT: Dervish makes light of rape.

Dervish said and you need to lighten up from whole wheat to rye.

Raxacoricofallapatorius said
Culture makes light of everything, it's not just Dervish. Hollywood makes light of drinking and drug addiction, promiscuity, irresponsible behavior, violence, etc. It makes people feel better about themselves.

Raxacoricofallapatorius said
isn't rye darker than whole wheat

Dervish said
I'm pretty sure most 'raunchy' comedies cover all of those bases.

Dervish said
Shit, you might be right. Usually, I get white rye. But what's that brown one, then? Super Market Mysteries!

Turtlicious said
It was a joke, get over it. 8D

Raxacoricofallapatorius said
ermergerd so racist i cant even I'm gunna report u

Dervish said
hey nao.

Dervish said
Haha, hate to say it, but sometimes I can never tell with you, man. Last thing I want is somebody wandering into Spam, seeing that, and being like *GAAAAAASP!*.You know how it is.

Raxacoricofallapatorius said
ill fite u

Turtlicious said
Well, it's a joke like how performance art is a joke. The joke is that you made a rape joke, then I said "hey rape isn't funny," and then you get all up in arms at being told you're not funny. Which is funny.It's a complicated joke.

Turtlicious said
Well, it's a joke like how performance art is a joke. The joke is that you made a rape joke, then I said "hey rape isn't funny," and then you get all up in arms at being told you're not funny. Which is funny.It's a complicated joke.

Dervish said
com at meh bro dont front