Name: Kentucky Tom
Age: 29
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 180 pounds
Race: Human
Class: Jerkwad
Alignment: Chaotic
Eye Color: Unknown
Weapons and Equipment: Ray-Ban sunglasses, unfiltered Wildhorse cigarettes, white suit with black tie.
Physical Abilities/Skills: Physically and mentally, Kentucky Tom is remarkably average. He's no more fit than a man of his age normally is. He is, however, one seriously hardass dickweed who used to be a fast talkin' auctioneer. He has only one special ability, but it is virtually impossible to kill or incapacitate with it. His power is known as "Really Buggersome Affectations". He can inflict nasty effects upon enemies by speaking the magic words of a curse and then pointing and firing a softball sized orb of arcane energy. The speed of the shot depends of the nastiness of the curse. Such curses as "Horndoggums Humprumpus" travel at half the speed of a small thrown object, whilst curses like "Pinkwimpor Buttflamingonum" move as fast as bullets. Those in the middle fly as arrows. He can slow down spells as much as he wants and return then to full speed at will after firing them, as much as he likes. He can combine multiple curses into a single attack, the arcane orb increasing in size with each spell added. He can speak at 250 words per minute, about as many as a good auctioneer. He cannot use the same curse twice in a row. The only way to break these curses is to kill him. The known curses he uses are...
*"Impreggio Bitchpleasum"- Impregnates whomever he is pointing at, forcing a baby to be conceived within them. This works on men and inanimate objects. Each subsequent hit halves the pregnancy time, starting at one week pregnant. The baby is ready by week forty. (Mid-Speed)
*"Baldickus Bodilicious"- Instantly removes all the hair on your body. (Fast-Speed)
*"Gayroticus Weinerfestum"- Turns the victim gay. (Slow-Speed)
*"Fartilliarum Skidmarkius"- Gives you the messy farts. (Med)
*"Pinkwimpor Buttflamingonum"- Turns your skin pink. (Fast)
*"Retardingus Shitheadellus"- Lowers an enemy's I.Q by one point. (Med)
*"Dirtlingus Shoutloudius"- Forces an opponent to yell out their deepest, dirtiest secret and then proceed to do so again every two minutes. Each time Tom hits a victim with this curse, it halves the time that they can go without shouting. (Fast)
*"Whiteytightus Fucknuttums"- Makes your underwear ultra-tight and uncomfortable. Each hit by the curse makes the ol' drawers get tighter and tighter until the waistband snaps. (Fast)
*"Beardantili Hipsterium"- Gives you a huge beard. Each hit increases the beard length by 18 inches. (Fast)
*"Nudesweeta Bareassum"- Evaporates the target's clothing into an embarrasing gooey honey mist. (Med)
*"Weaboonekus Fucknuttus"- Gives you a bunny tail and cat ears. (Fast)
*"Pisswiggums Bladdersmallis"- Makes you have to pee really bad. (Med)
*"Horndoggums Humprumpus"- Makes you insanely attracted to the next thing Kentucky Tom points at. It takes tremenous will to resist, and becomes a major distraction until the urge is "satisfied". (Slow)
*"Nipgantius Bigtittumus"- The victim's boob area will grow to five times normal size. (Slow)
*"Fatassium Bastardus"- Makes the victim obese. (Slow)
*"Lolhardickus"- Forces the victim into an awkward situation the likes of which occur most often to us in the morning. If used on a female, it will materialize the required assets upon her being. (Fast)
*"Pussysobbium Crybabius"- Makes you cry uncontrollably. (Med)
*"Racechangium Laughardiculum"- Changes the victim's race. By changing the first word to "Sexchangium" Tom can alter gender instead. (Slow)
*"Narratium Expositorium"- Forces the victim to narrate their actions as they do them in a deep, dramatic voice. They cannot complete their attack until the end of the narration. (Slow)
*"Smurftardicus Squeakerotica"- Gives you a high pitched helium voice. (Fast)
*"Butthorkus Limporkus"- The victim becomes a transgender drag queen complete with unwieldy high heels and wig. (Slow)
*"Blindorial Nerdwerdus"- Makes you near and short sighted and materializes a pair of prescription glasses onto your face. (Med)
*"Pizzamugums Pubertum"- Gives the victim a load of acne. (Fast)
*"Glasswhackius Buttmunchickus"- Makes you instantly punch the nearest person with glasses in the face nice and hard, even if it is yourself. (Med)
*"Dildus Rubberium"- Turns an enemy's weapon into a certain rubber implement. (Slow)
*"Foolookius Overthereius"- Makes you look where Tom is pointing. (Slow)
*"Itchums MacGuiness"- Makes you feel very itchy all over. (Slow)
Background: Kentucky Tom grew up in the rough part of town and was constantly harangued by bullies. Why? He had a smart mouth. Shooting off insults came naturally to Tom. He pissed off teachers, parents, drivers, senators, dogs, you name it. He never had much cash, since his job as an auctioneer didn't pay all that well. But then one day, everything changed. He met an old fakir who beseeched Tom to sell an old Porsche for enough money to bail his deviant grandson out of jail. Tom felt pity for the mystic and at the next auction, sold the vehicle for twice what it was really worth. Out of gratitude the fakir bestowed upon Kentucky Tom the power to incur hilarious status effects upon the unwary.
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