Hidden 5 yrs ago 5 yrs ago Post by Apollosarcher
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Apollosarcher Knight with the Rowan Shield

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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Ellri
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Ellri Lord of Eat / Relic

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Problems the grammar in appearance section has.

First sentence in the second paragraph of Master Voryla Sisk’s report on Force abilities doesn’t quite make sense. Possibly a misplaced comma?
In my recent mission on Coruscant searching the lower districts for information, we could recover Airus displayed several skills that impressed me, first as a Miraluka and no doubt thanks to the tutelage of his fellow Consulars he displayed much better control of his force sight allowing us to avoid danger on our way to the lower levels.


Concerning Master Turus’ report on changes after his promotion and the sacking of Coruscant:
In this era, as a time of war, all Jedi are trained in some level of combat, though some of course train more or less than others. The way that is phrased seems like you mean virtually no consular-type Jedi focus on lightsaber use. Might be better to instead have it as his degree of saber-combat focus is unusual for those training to become lorekeepers.

In Master Turus’ report on field performance:
Jarkai ⇒ Jar’Kai

For the sith who slew his master, we can offer up Darth Theya as a candidate, though it probably should remain unknown for now. Just a thought.

We do note one tendency in the reports… you’ve got quite a lot of Jedi Masters there, yet no Jedi Knights. It is a bit unusual for a single Jedi to be primarily trained by numerous different Jedi Masters over extended periods of time. We’d recommend spicing it up with some Knights (possibly with specializations).

The reports also tend to only praise him highly. None seem to point out failures (even ones that are overcome)

The biggest issue we have is simple: If he was on Coruscant during the Sacking, he’d either be dead, captured by the Sith and turned/killed. They pretty much scoured the place during the sacking. Since he obviously hasn’t been a captive, that would generally mean he wasn’t on Coruscant during the Sacking.

Unless by abandoned you mean ran right at the start of the attack before anyone knew the scale of it, found a way out through the bowels of the temple ziggurat and hid in the deeper levels of Coruscant during the occupation? That level of cowardice would generally fall in under being a pretty major flaw.

Even if a Council doesn’t feel he is ready for taking on a padawan, he might be used to assist in training on the side, especially with skills he is talented at.

Question:
You’ve specified that he entered the order in around infancy. What age do you imagine him having been knighted?
A typical padawan training period is 6-10 years, and most are initiates until they’re 12-14 years old.

Fix up the above stuff (and perhaps look at searching for other minor grammar flaws if you so desire) and we can look at the sheet again. We see great potential in this sheet. The numerous reports from different Jedi does give it a fairly unique flavor, which is a definite bonus.
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Apollosarcher
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Alright, so gave it look over I'm fixing up grammar issues. As for why he has three Master's listed.

Master Vorlya Sisk is a very recent promotion to Master, I thought about listing her as a Knight still in some of the reports to have that come across but I was unsure if that would sound like I forgetting to keep her rank the same or if the intention would be clear.

Master Turus is a very elderly Master and one he reached the position very late in life through wisdom and understanding the force through meditation.

Master Sar Dan'ii was a Battlemaster and well-respected teacher on Coruscant who took in promising saber combatants as her student usually.

As for his survival of the battle of Coruscant, he and his master were believed dead at first. Airus was found when they moved to search the ruins of the temple in lower sections. They were not at the temple when the attack began instead were heading for the starport instead of returning to the temple they left it his Master believing it would fall.

He had and his master had survived in the initial attack, they retreated to the lower levels his Master wanted to organize survivors and strike back.

Before they could do anything a single Sith Lord who had pursued them dropped down. Airus's Master had already been wounded so he disobeyed her choosing to stand at her side rather than go try to find others. Airus was thrown aside into a pile of stone rubble, his master killed by this Sith while he lay injured and unable to move.

I was thinking the details of his survival would be something kept rather secret.

As for his age. Well, he joined the order at age two, served as initiate until twelve he was originally slated to has his promotion at twenty after the battle of Coruscant they delayed that and served further as a Padawan until age twenty-two under a different Master. So he served as Knight for six years currently.

Either way, I'm working on edits now. Hope this isn't too much.
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Ellri
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Ellri Lord of Eat / Relic

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Alright, so gave it look over I'm fixing up grammar issues. As for why he has three Master's listed.

Master Vorlya Sisk is a very recent promotion to Master, I thought about listing her as a Knight still in some of the reports to have that come across but I was unsure if that would sound like I forgetting to keep her rank the same or if the intention would be clear.

Master Turus is a very elderly Master and one he reached the position very late in life through wisdom and understanding the force through meditation.

Master Sar Dan'ii was a Battlemaster and well-respected teacher on Coruscant who took in promising saber combatants as her student usually.

Seems like we may not have gotten across quite right what we intended to get across...
We've no problem with him having had multiple masters. If anything, it is likely in this time period for that to be the case, especially if the Jedi spent time in on the field of battle or anywhere else where Sith may have been encountered. The risk of death or serious injuries would naturally have been higher during the war than prior to it, both of which could lead to a padawan being reassigned.

Instead, what we wondered about is the unusual circumstance of his having been trained by three different Jedi Masters, yet not having a single report from regular Jedi Knights in his records. Note that there is a difference between a Padawan's master and a Jedi Master. The former means teacher and is an honorific, whereas the latter is a formal title and rank in the Order. (this is covered in more detail in the Jedi Master section of the Jedi Training and Life guide.)

In a time of war like this, not only do more Jedi die—not only among those who are mere padawans or knights, but also among the masters—but those who remain are even busier than they would have been prior to the war.

As for his survival of the battle of Coruscant, he and his master were believed dead at first. Airus was found when they moved to search the ruins of the temple in lower sections. They were not at the temple when the attack began instead were heading for the starport instead of returning to the temple they left it his Master believing it would fall.

He had and his master had survived in the initial attack, they retreated to the lower levels his Master wanted to organize survivors and strike back.

Before they could do anything a single Sith Lord who had pursued them dropped down. Airus's Master had already been wounded so he disobeyed her choosing to stand at her side rather than go try to find others. Airus was thrown aside into a pile of stone rubble, his master killed by this Sith while he lay injured and unable to move.

I was thinking the details of his survival would be something kept rather secret.

When a Sith believe an opponent dead, it is because the opponent has been dismantled or has had organs vital to survival permanently disabled, such as decapitation, spine (or body) severed above a certain point of the torso, and so forth. The Sith were intent upon wiping out any Jedi they could find on Coruscant and as such a key part of their assault involved isolating the Jedi Temple. To not be caught by the Sith surprise attack, any Jedi would have had to be far from the temple during the initial assault, or distant enough not not simply be killed by the bombardment.

As for their being pursued from the temple... A Sith Lord would not have pursued them alone. He or she would have brought a significant force of troopers and possibly multiple apprentices. When such Sith eventually caught up to the Jedi, the goal would have been capture or kill. Airus wouldn't merely have been left in a pile of rubble after being disabled. If salvagable, he would have been taken captive. If not judged worth taking captive, he would have been executed. Possibly in a very painful manner.

As for his age. Well, he joined the order at age two, served as initiate until twelve he was originally slated to has his promotion at twenty after the battle of Coruscant they delayed that and served further as a Padawan until age twenty-two under a different Master. So he served as Knight for six years currently.

Either way, I'm working on edits now. Hope this isn't too much.


Joining the Order at the age of two is perfectly normal. He'd probably have been an initiate until around 12-14, then a padawan until 18-22.
Since you picked him becoming a padawan at twelve years old, he'd have a normal but medium-long padawan period if he passed the trials at 22. You could use his not succeeding at all of them in the years leading up to this perhaps?

Born: 3675 (age 0)
Initiate: 3673 (age 2)
Padawan: 3663 (age 12)
Knight: 3653 (age 22) <-- This is also the year of the Sacking of Coruscant
Present day: 3647 (age 28)

as you can see, your bit above seems to indicate you thinking the sacking occurred two years earlier than it did.
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Apollosarcher
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Apollosarcher Knight with the Rowan Shield

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Edited the age by two years, added several more bits of criticism. Also added review from a fellow archivist and an incident report about possible dark side usage.

Removed Airus fighting at the Sacking of Coruscant and changed it so he served at Dantooine lashing out at the Sith present there which one Jedi believed could have caused him to use the dark side.

Also added edits discussing his connection to his master and how his ability as an Empath has made him shrink from working with other Jedi closely.

Basically rounded out the character, a few other minor edits.

@Ellri
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@Apollosarcher

Force techniques:

Could you, for quick checkups, also add a small section in here with the technique and skill level listed?
That’ll make things more convenient for GMs and players checking.
Right now, the very nice report format doesn’t make that particularly clear.


Knight Milo Nerel’s report

Don’t forget that quite a major portion of the Jedi library/archives are digital.


Knight Kuly Sol’s report

The Jedi Temple attack wasn’t public knowledge until a few days after. Well, the only reason much of any knew is that there was an open channel between Coruscant and Alderaan at the time of the attack, and at least one Jedi on Alderaan had a telepathic bond to one on Coruscant.

Shortly after the initial attack the holonet buoys around Coruscant were all terminated, effectively turning the capital into a blindspot on the holonet. Outside those aforementioned circles, nobody in the republic knew anything about Coruscant.

Oh, and they did take prisoners. (though some Jedi would say that the ones killed may have been the lucky ones)

How close was he with his master? Was it a master he had had ties with for a long time? The emotional bonds between master and apprentice only transmit so much even when at full strength. Scattered words, feelings, maybe the odd image, but not much in the way of whole or fully comprehensible events.


Coruscant Temple Log 1

Suggestion: replace “ins and outs of the politics” with “the nuances of the politics”


Coruscant Temple Log 2

Imperial’s → Imperials




The only thing left to ask for after this is the thing that is asked for from all who wish to play a Miraluka:
A sample of writing to prove that you understand how their Force Sight works.
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Apollosarcher
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@Ellri Added two writing samples and made the changes. Ready to go I think.
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Ellri
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Only missing a checkup from another GM before it is approved.
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Heat
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Heat Hey, nice marmot

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@Apollosarcher it looks all good to me as well! Welcome aboard Knight.
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