At sound of his full name being shouted from their bedroom was not a good sign. He climbed the stairs raking his mind for what he had or hadn’t done. As he entered their bedroom he flashed her a quick smile to soften her up.

“Hey Hun. What’s wrong?” he asked. He glanced down to the open bag behind her in the walk in closet.

His heart froze. He could see the rolls of cash, the passport and the hilt of the 9mm pistol jut out of the bag.

He froze. The colour of his cheeks drained white. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. Time stopped.
No...
No...
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. He screamed internally. He knew deep down he would eventually tell Alix the truth, but never like this.

“Alix... ,” Josh tried to speak but couldn’t. No words came to him. He couldn't look her in the eyes.

“Oh Alix,” he whispered.

Not knowing what to say he walked over to the bag. Sticking his hands into the pile of cash he grabbed the large envelope stashed at the bottom of the bag. He walked over to the bed, opened the envelope and emptied the contents onto their bed.

“This is who I am,” he said looking at the contents on the bed: an old passport, a collection of photos, dog tags, newspaper clippings. He picked up a passport from the envelope and opened it to the first page. The entire thing was written in Russian with his 18 year old self head shaven, with a cocky arrogant expression on his face. Fresh out of school and 24 hours before his Dad shipped him off to Military service.

Alix had always wanted to see photos of him when he was younger. Ironically she got her wish.

Josh handed Alix the passport. This is it, he thought, no turning back. From now on their life will never be the same.

“Nikolai Sokolov is what my parents named me.” He paused, not sure how much he should say.

"Nikolai."

Alix clenched her jaw and then released it. Repeating the action almost subconciously. A stress grinder. That's what the Dentist had called her. Not that she gave a flying fuck about her teeth at that particular moment.

"So, you've been lying this whole time?"

The blonde merely let go of the passport, not wanting to see it any longer. Was she angry? Was she hurt? She couldn't say. Numb. That was the overiding emotion right now. Like someone had taken what she thought she knew, and scribbled all over it.. Oh wait. They had.

She scratched at the back of her neck, an uneasy response to the jumble of thoughts that were rushing through her mind at that moment. It felt like she was rooted to the spot, when really all she wanted to do was to walk away. Walk away from the closet, the bag and him. Whoever he was.

"So, you've been lying this whole time?"

Josh didn’t respond. Alix knew the answer already. He watched the passport slip from her fingers. Her reality he could see was crumbling around her, and he had only touched the tip of the iceberg. At that very moment he had a choice; tell her all or to shelter her from the truth.

“This is why I lied,” he said. From the contents on the bed, Josh handed Alix the only document written in English. It was a letter from the British Government denying his visa application.
“You need to understand, I had to leave Russia. I had no choice but to enter Britain with a fake name.”

Josh paused. He closed his eyes and took a breath. He could stop there. Leave her with why he called himself Joshua White and ended up in Cambridge lying to her. Maybe she’ll understand, maybe she’ll even forgive him. But if he went further and told her everything, he would lose everything.

He picked up a photo from the contents of the bed. The only family photo he had of the three of them. His parents and him smiling at the camera on his tenth birthday.

“That’s my Parents,” Josh said as he handed her the photo. “My Father was an Army Officer in the Russian Military, and my Mother was a Professor at the Moscow State University.”

His heart pounded in his chest.

“Ten years ago I get a call in the middle of the night. My Mother is on the other-end sobbing, telling me to run. To run as far away from Russia as I can go. The next day I find out that they’ve been arrested f. So I did what I had always dreamt of doing, and escaped to Britain.”

Alix sat on the edge of the bed, and she took the photo that Josh handed her. A part of her wanted to scream and shout. But in truth, that wasn't really her. How were you supposed to react to something like this? Hell, she could really use some kind of handbook. Maybe she was just stupid. Surely she should have figured this all out long ago?

"You look like Luca."

And this time, she handed the family photo back to him. The story of his parents was tragic, and her eyes glanced over the Newspaper with a wince when she saw the treason. Russia wasn't somewhere you wanted to be accused of shit like that. A sigh escaped her, one that caused her cheeks to puff out.

"This is not how I saw Friday going." It wasn't how she saw any day going. So her reality was this, was it? Married to a Russian that was in the Country illegally. But, she couldn't bring herself to shout at him, or berate him. Or do anything other than to role her eyes.

"I'm hungry." And with that, she walked past Joshua and headed down the stairs. Luckily, the Children weren't home. They were spending the day with Nanny and Grandad. It struck her as sad that they'd never get to meet Joshua's family.

Was it too early for wine?

"I'm hungry." With that comment Alix stood up and walked out the room. Josh stood there stunned. He never imagined what this moment would be like, but he thought there would be more... more of something. The fact his wife calmly left the room wasn’t a good sign. He followed her down the stairs to the kitchen. Going to the kitchen, he pulled out the opened bottle of wine from the fridge and poured two glass.

“You’ll going to need this,” he said as he passed a glass to Alix.

“There’s more to me that you should know.” He drained his glass in seconds and poured a second one. At any moment he felt like he might lose the courage and run out the front door. To distract himself and to soften what is about to come, he turned on the stove to start boiling the water for Alix’s favourite pasta dish.

“Look, when we got engaged, I had a problem. I couldn’t legally get married because I shouldn’t even be in the country.” Josh emptied the packet into the hot pot as he spoke. He was too nervous to look Alix in the eye. His frantic cooking attempted to hide his shaking hands.

“I was too afraid of losing you so I went to an old Friend who had connections to...”
Josh paused mid sentence. Looking towards the door with a tomato in one hand, running down the street was a tempting option. He left the tomato on the bench and walked over the family photo on the wall. All four of them at the hospital after Luca’s birth. Taking it off the wall clutching it in two hands.

“I’m sorry Alix.” he whispered. His gaze never left the photo of the four of them.

“I felt like I had no choice. In exchange for a real identity here in Britain I agreed to undertake some unsavoury business for some bad people.”

He clutch the photo frame as his hands shook. His knees weak. He felt like he needed to vomit.

He turned to Alix.

“I agreed to kill for them.”

Alix had been doing a good job of staying calm, when she heard those words...

I agreed to kill for them..

Kill what?! Wasps? Blow flies?! Fuckin' rats?!!

But no. It was evident what Joshua meant. And when the realisation hit her, the blonde choked on her wine. Her green eyes shot to Josh and stared at him. An indredulous expression evident on her features.

"Jesus Christ Josh."

Naturally, she finished her wine and set the glass down on the counter top. What was happening to her? The young woman ran her index finger down along the bridge of her nose in exasperation. Was this some messed up dream? She'd wake up soon to find Luca jumping all over her... Nah. Sadly not.

"I don't even know what to say.."

Alix shook her head and stared at her husband. It was just so hard to process. To imagine that he could do that. Of course, to some extent she understood the stimulus. If anything, that was oddly reassuring. That he did actually love her, and the children. Did that make her a terrible person? That she didn't feel sick? Should she feel sick? It was just so far removed from the man that she knew, it felt as though it was an entirely alternative reality. And perhaps to some extent, it was.

Eventually, Alix grabbed a breakfast bar stool and took a seat. She slapped her cheeks gently with her palms, as if it might help to make her understand all of this.

"You should have told me sooner...we've got two children, and who knows - there might even be another one on the way.. And you just drop this now. Were you ever going to tell me? Or were you going to just carry on lying.."

"You should have told me sooner...we've got two children, and who knows - there might even be another one on the way.. And you just drop this now. Were you ever going to tell me? Or were you going to just carry on lying.."

Josh placed the photo frame back onto the wall and made his way back to his wine glass.

“Look Alix, I don’t think you understand who these people are. If I told you the truth, and you asked me to stop...” Josh paused as he walked over to Alix.

“You don’t say no to the fucking Mafia.” He continued. “Jesus. Alix, these men are fucking animals. They won’t hesitate to send some lunatic here. Why else do you think I have a gun in my closet with a pile of cash and passports.”

Josh grabbed her hands and looked directly at her. Right now what he was saying wasn’t about saving his marriage, it was about keeping the only thing that mattered to him alive.

“You need to understand that these men are very powerful. I made a mistake that I regret everyday of my life. But I have no choice but to live with the consequences if I ever want to see you again.”

"You know, I have a real urge to strangle you right now..."

In fact, she could feel her hands twitch with the inclination. "I am so angry." The blonde tensed her jaw and stared back at her husband. It was an unreadable glare. The part of her mind that wanted to scream and shout, battling with the rational part that just wanted to be calm and measured. Who'd win, that was the question..

"Explains why you're always going away for weeks on end." Alix rolled her eyes, and pulled her hands away from Josh. "The Mafia? I mean really..." A frustrated groan escaped her as she walked into her study. Was she going to do some work? No. Of course not. She just wanted to walk. To move. To use some of that energy for something that wasn't murdering her husband.

"Josh..."

Alix called from the other room. Voice now calm.

"How many years would I get for murdering you right now? I reckon I could get off on a crime of passion..."

The woman was absentmindedly clicking her stappler, when her iPhone started to ring. It pulled her back to reality as she picked it up and held it to her ear to hear Luca giggling.

Hey trouble. Grandad been feeding you chocolate, huh?

Josh stayed in the kitchen, knowing full well it would not be smart to follow. He continued with preparing lunch in between sips of wine. He left a bowl of pasta and a glass of wine at the study door that Alix left ajar. Then he returned to their room and stuffed the contents back into the duffel bag and hid it back in the closet.

He glanced down to see his Russian passport discarded on the ground. Picking it up he stared at his younger self. Josh remembered that day fondly. He had received his acceptance letter from the army, and to celebrate his father took him out. In that dingy bar on the outskirts of Moscow, his father told him ‘Без труда́ не вытащишь и рыбку из пруда́.

Without effort, you can not even pull a fish out of the pond.

On the edge of the bed Josh planned. At the end of the day, when he spoke those vows to Alix eight years ago, he had made a promise. Josh grabbed his leather jacket and stuffed the handgun out of sight into the waist band of his jeans and made his way downstairs to the study.

“Alix,” Josh called out quietly. It had been several hours since he had last seen her. Placing his head on the door he didn’t wait for her to respond.

“Alix I know this is difficult to take in, but we only have two options Alix.” Josh said through the closed door.

“If you want me to leave then I will leave. I will walk out that door and you will never see me again. I have five million pounds I will transfer to you account.”

Josh paused for a moment. The very possibility that Alix could choose that option scared him.

“If you want me to stay then I will end this and come clean. I believe I might be able to strike a deal with the Police.”

Truth be told, Alix had eaten the pasta and fallen asleep whilst skimming through her photos. One minute she was looking at a picture of their wedding day, and the next Joshua was talking to her through the Study door. With a disorientated yawn, she wandered her way to the door and opened it fully. She let her side rest against the frame, and she looked at Joshua. No amount of sugar could make this situation a cupcake, but she had to roll with it.

In many ways, not loving Joshua would have made this so much easier. She would have agreed that he should leave, they'd arrange the details for visitation and that would be that. All done and dusted. She could move on with her life. But, unfortunately or not, she loved him. And she didn't want him to leave. However, she wasn't convinced about the sensibilty of his plan.

"I don't want you to leave." She sighed, "Although I probably should." A blonde eyebrow perked, "But is going to the Police such a good idea? From what I remember, you stated lunatics and bad men. Doesn't sound like they'd enjoy you going to the Police station, does it?" Or had every Mafia movie she'd ever watched been a lie? Now that was an interesting notion.

"But, if it's what you want to do... It's your decision."

Seeing Alix sleepily open the study door, Josh couldn’t help but smile. Only Alix could nap in moments like these.

"I don't want you to leave."

“Then I won’t,” Josh replied.

A sense of dread and fear lifted from his shoulders. Maybe, just maybe there will be an end to all of this where Alix could forgive him.

"But is going to the Police such a good idea? From what I remember, you stated lunatics and bad men. Doesn't sound like they'd enjoy you going to the Police station, does it?" Alix continued.

“Bloody hell Alix! What do you want me to do?” Josh snapped back in desperation. “I can go kill them if that is what you want.”

Josh paused momentarily. It was a thought that hadn’t occurred to him. The thing is he had completed far harder missions in the past ten years. It wasn’t like he had to murder every Mafia member this side of the channel, just a handful of senior leaders will cause the Russians to rip themselves apart.

“Look we can just pack our bags, grab the kids and disappear.” Which was the option he preferred but then he had nothing to lose, while his wife would lose her family, friends and job overnight.

“But the most important thing Alix, can you still love me?” He asked. “Because I can’t live with the woman I love if she sees me as a monster.”

"Are you seriously snapping at me?"

Alix narrowed her eyes dangerously. "You've lied for the last eight years, and you're going to stand there and bleet like a bitch?"

If she'd had something in her hand, she would have thrown it straight at his head. Unfortunately, she didn't. So the best she could do was slam the study door behind her. He stepped on her last nerve.

"I am not dragging Sophie and Luca away from everything they know, because of this, Josh. You decide what you're doing about it. I'm not going to be shouted at by you." She held her hands up in surrender and grabbed her running shoes from the box enroute to the Kitchen. Not that she ever went running..Running was just a terrible thing. As was aerobics.

"I need to to go and get the kids. Either go to the Police or make some sort of plan. Hell, join the damn Mafia for all I care." And with that, she headed for the front door. Alix's parents lived a mere ten minute walk away.

"And if I thought you were a monster, I wouldn't be wasting my time with all of this. I'd already be gone." She paused her procession up the hall and turned to look at him. "You are really starting to piss me off."

Josh allowed Alix to storm off. He had neither the energy nor the resolve to turn this into a full blown screaming match. The reality is, she was right; it is his mess to clean up. He grabbed a pen and scribbled down a note and left it on the counter where she would see it.

Off to fix this mess...
Will be home late

Grabbing the keys he left the house, got into the BMW and drove off.

He wasn’t stupid. Rocking up to a police station to confess to over 60 murders would see him spend life in prison. But not all cops see the world in black or white. One such cop was Detective Jimmy Cooper of Special Branch. Eight months previously the Russian Mob caught wind of him attempting to solicit information from some of the more disgruntled associates of the Mob. The Boss had been concerned that the identities of many of associates had been revealed so he hired Josh, an outsider, to look into the matter. Detective Cooper wasn’t a stupid man, he was just a man of routine. At 5:42 every Weekday evening, he walked through the same park on his way home. Today was no different.

Josh White waited for him at the park bench with a rolled up newspaper on his lap. Right on time the Detective rounded the bend and made his way through the park. The 40 year old in his cheap suit, yet alert confident walk, his demeanor screamed police. Just as the detective was about to pass him Josh called out.

“Mr Cooper, can I have a minute of your time.”

The detective stopped and turned to the man on the park bench.

“Who’s asking.”

“You may call me Mr Black. Now please take a seat. I won’t take more than a minute.” Josh responded as he patted the seat next to him.

Josh had to give the man credit. The detective did not outwardly react but remained calm.
“I’m sorry but I think you’ve got the wrong man.”

“No I haven’t Charles,” Josh responded in a think Russian accent, using the alias that Cooper used when dealing with the Mob.

Cooper stiffened. His calm demeanour now replaced with a heightened alertness.

“Detective Cooper, I have a proposition that will benefit us both, so please take a seat.”

Curiosity got the better of him and the detective took a seat next to the Russian.

“What the fuck do you want?”

Josh slid the newspaper over to him. “Open it up.” The detective obliged him and opened up the newspaper to the photos and documents that were shoved in. He quickly closed the paper and turned to him.

“What do you want? Money? A kinghthood? A pat on the fucking back?”

“I want a clean slate and a new identity of my choosing,” Josh responded. “In exchange I’ll give you enough evidence to lock that man up for life.”

Cooper opened the paper and turned to the photo that Josh had placed. There was no doubt about it, it was Dimitri Romanov, the current head of the Russian Mob in Britain exiting a well known underground casino run by the Russians. Though not good enough to send him to prison, it is enough to connect him to illegal activities and to convince Special Branch to further their investigations into Dimitri Romanov.

“I need to make a call,” Cooper said as he stood up. “I’ll meet you back here in thirty minutes.”

With that, the detective walked off and followed the path through the park. Josh, not one to just wait for a dozen cops to be called in made his way to the corner of the street overlooking the park and the major road waiting for the Detective to return.

Just as Cooper promised, he returned 30 minutes later with a small poodle in tow. He stood by an old oak tree holding the leash while trying to light a cigarette. As Josh approached the Detective looked up.

“Mr Black I hope you know what you are doing.” He paused as he took a puff of his cigarette. “If we are to do this, we will do this my way,” Cooper said as he passed the burner phone to Josh.
“I’ll give you a clean slate and new identity but first I want so much evidence on Dimitri Romanov that I can bury him six feet deep in his own shit. And if he’s bought out every judge this side of the channel, then I want you to put a fucking bullet in his head.”

Josh nodded and pocketed the burner cell that cooper had handed to him.

“One last thing Mr Black.” Cooper took a step closer. “If you visit me again like this I’ll chuck you in a fucking prison for the rest of your god damn life.”

Josh laughed.

“Oh Cooper. Don’t fuck with me. You have no fucking idea who I am.”

With that he turned and left the detective.

On a Friday night, Josh knew exactly where Yuri Ivanov would be. He had known the man since his Army days; Sergeant Yuri Ivanov of the Russian Spetsnaz. He had left Russia for London a year before he did. It was through Yuri, his relationship with the Russian Mob began. After 11 years, Yuri had now progressed to be the Boss’ key enforcer and right hand man to help govern operations from London. The underground Casino was quiet, with the evening crowd yet to arrive for another hour or so. At the back overlooking the floor was Yuri’s office.

“Nikolai!” The Russian yelled with his arms outstretched as Josh entered the empty Casino. Even as charming and welcoming as Yuri like to portray himself, there was no doubt in Josh’s mind, that his old friend was deadly. At 6”2 and a medium athletic build, the 45 year old was born and bred in violence. His Mother was a prostitute in Moscow, and by the time she committed suicide when Yuri was 12, he was practically looking after his younger siblings on his own on the rough streets of Moscow. As soon as he could, he joined the Russian Army followed by the Russian Special Forces, the Spetsnaz.

“What brings Nikolai to our humble abode? Has your woman finally kicked you to the curb?” Yuri laughed as he embraced Josh in a big bear hug. Josh glanced round the casino to the other Russian associates curious by the stranger their boss had just welcomed in.

“Let’s talk in private Yuri.”

“Straight to the point. No bullshit. I like that in a man,” Yuri replied as he led Josh to his office at the back. The office was a small yet tidy affair that had tinted windows that allowed the Russian to see inside the Casino floor from his desk. He went over to the small bar in the corner and poured two glasses of vodka and handed one to Josh.

“I’ve been trying to get you to visit for nearly two years. So my dear friend, what can I help you with, as I presume that would be the only reason why you’re here?” Yuri walked over and lent against the heavy desk sipping his vodka.

“I remember just before you left Russia, you wouldn’t stop bleating on about Martha wanting you to be home more often. Then you left the military and found your way here.”

“That and the pay was shit. But please carry on,” Yuri said motioning for Nikolai to continue.

“I need something stable. Money is good, but the hours are shit and the jobs are getting riskier.”

Yuri finished is drink and moved back to the bar to pour himself another one.

“So you want to take that offer I gave you two years ago?”

Josh nodded.

“Better late than never. I still have the same problem. The boys that are coming through these days are shit. A bunch of pussies with dog shit for brains. I can’t fix what’s between their ears, but at the very least I can turn them into men. Old Ivan is still training the lads these days but he’s gone soft. Monday to Friday from 7 to 4 I need you to turn these pussies into men. Except for the occasional night or weekend job I might need you for, you can have the evenings and weekends at home.”

He lifted his glass with a smile on his face.

“Are you sure you want in? I can’t pay you the same rate, but I’ll give you 20 thousand quid a month.”

Josh raised his glass and agreed to those terms.

“One last thing, Martha is putting on a little something tomorrow for our Daughter’s 7th birthday. The Boss will be there. Bring your family, he will appreciate that.”

Josh hesitated.
“Yuri... You see my family doesn’t get involved in those sort of things.”

Yuri’s warm smile vanished. Placing the glass on his desk he walked over to Josh. His eyes now cold as he stared straight at him.

“You are either all in or you’re not. If you want a fucking job then go work at the pub across the road. This is the only thing that’s keeping us from ripping each other’s throats out, the fact that we are Family.”

Yuri paused momentarily to take a sip from his glass.

“So will I see you and your family Tomorrow then?” Yuri asked and he offered his hand.

Josh nodded in response and shook the outstretched hand.

.
.
.

It was late when Josh finally made it back into the house. The deed was done. There was no going back.

"Mummy, where's my water?!! I want water.. Why haven't I got my water?!"

"I'm just coming Luca! Be patient.."

The afternoon had been spent at Alix's parents, house. The break was much needed, and it had given her enough of a break to gain a little perspective. Of course she was still angry. But Alix now felt like she could be in the same room as Josh without wanting to hit him over the head with something, and that was progress.

Luca and Soohie had been hyper all evening. They'd clearly been pumped full of sugar and E numbers by her parents, and it had be near on impossible to do anything with them. Thankfully, they were now in bed - but Luca was certainly pushing his boundaries. He'd already shouted and stomped his way through the whole house, hidden snacks in his pillow case and was now demanding water at the top of his lungs.

Have children. That's what everybody said. It was such a lovely, wholesome experience.. And yes, it was lovely, and she did absolutely adore Luca and Sophie - but they were an absolute pain at times. But, after taking Luca his water, Alix threw on her pyjamas and settled herself on the couch, just in time to hear Josh walk in the door.

Just keep calm.. That's all you have to do..

Josh walked into the living room and collapsed onto the couch next to Alix. On the grand scheme of things, he had finished far more deadlier and physically demanding days on a monthly basis. But no job had the emotional turmoil and consequences than today. He had hoped secretly hoped his wife had already made it to bed asleep so he didn’t have to go through the agony of confronting her.

“I’m sorry,” he said breaking the silence, not having the confidence to look at her.

He sat there in silence, not sure what to say.

“I really fucked up. I should have been honest with you.”

He paused momentarily staring at some invisible mark on the wall.

“I was scared..." He buried his face into his hands. How did his life end up like this. Every wrong decision, every lie, every job for the mafia had been compounding until it all exploded into what had transpired today.

"This isn’t an excuse... but I was scared of losing you. Alix, I kill people for a living. I.. I just didn’t see how you could love me after knowing that.”

He remained rooted on the couch, too afraid to look at her.

"Well, yeah. I can understand that.."

The blonde scratched the back of her neck and looked at her husband. He looked as though he had the weight of the world upon his shoulders. And even though she was still smarting, and there was no denying it - she didn't like to see him having a rough time. So, swallowing her pride, or what was left of it, Alix reached out and snaked her arm around his shoulders, and tugged him closer.

"You've been a real git, Josh."

She admitted, lightly. But Alix was Alix. She had to laugh about things, because if she didn't laugh, she'd cry. Or have a nervous breakdown. Either were a real possibility. The woman internalised like no other.

"Speaking of which, your children have been a nightmare this evening. Luca had a tantrum because I refused to let him take the Xbox apart to build something new." Her eyes opened wide in feigned horror. "But, I love you... Although, I probably should make you sweat a little longer."

And with a delightful smirk, she leaned as though she was about to kiss him - but tilted her head at the last moment to blow an obnoxiously loud raspberry right on his cheek.

Sucker..