[OOC] city’s your playground | b&r

[Neve]

Gabe never asked to come over anywhere, they never asked to be invited to events, they sort of just showed up anyway and nobody complained- either because they enjoyed Gabriel Carrasco’s constantly entertaining company, or they were inimidated by their slightly threatening enigmatic energy and sheer stature. It didn’t matter- Gabe was welcome anywhere, because they started no fights (or when they did, they made sure they could finish them), held no grudges (outwardly, anyway; they preferred not to air dirty laundry) and at their back was a very powerful, close family to which they owed their fortune and their name. The power of a name couldn’t be exaggerated- Gabe knew that, from both their own family’s dynamic and the families of their closest friends- a particularly apt example being Brendon Blake, the liability of Boyd Blake, an absolute trainwreck but in the most graceful and charming way imaginable. He drew attention away from his frequent questionable escapades with his effortles smile, and Gabe knew that he tried to laugh off the criticism of his family, too. Brendon hated them all- it wasn’t hard to see- but to cut himself off from that name would spell an end to any inheritance Boyd was still willing to set aside for his troublesome son, and Brendon had his priorities straight.

In fact, Brendon was arguably the most beloved of the entire uptight family (his rebelliousness, casual hedonism and devilish charm probably reached that end), and Gabe was just as golden amongst their own relatives, probably more famous than their father- but there was no bad blood between them. Gabe owed him a lot, and he treated Gabe with love and respect; Brendon never had that with his father. Gabe wasn’t usually a very empathetic person, but they weren’t stupid, and they did care about their friend. Brendon was, on the surface, a wild card, a nihilist, over-indulgent and reckless- beneath that, there was still some of the notes of the same song, but accompanied by vulnerability, a need to belong, a vendetta against love, hate for hate’s sake. Gabe knew Brendon was a wary man, and he had every reason to be- in the past, Gabe has witnessed their closest friend suffer through the heartache of thinking he had found something worth holding onto, and then being stabbed mercilessly in the back after the person had gotten what they wanted (five minutes of fame, the bragging rights, being on the receiving end of a very rich man’s generosity and affection). For this reason, they were defensive of him, and for this reason, when Brendon told them quite casually (as was how they worked) that he had slept and was sleeping with his own damn PA, Gabe had bristled under the skin. On the surface, they remained nonchalant, knowing Brendon would shut any concern or warnings down as a self-defence.

Gabe knew Brendon wouldn’t appreciate them getting involved, but they didn’t much care. It was widely known that Gabe was usually right- or that they were never totally wrong. At the time, they had been intrusive about finding out about this unexpected love affair, and Brendon was an oversharer, so they got everything they needed and more, along with some finer details they didn’t ask for but Brendon supplied anyway. So, the guy’s name was Ryan Ready- english major, straight out of university, but nothing exceptional on his resume that would typically land him a job like he had- PA to the youngest son and loose end of one of the richest men in the world (or, as Gabe liked to call the role, an overpaid, glorified babysitter for a serial monogamist and overindulgent hedonist like Brendon. They loved him really). So, what had landed Ryan the job? They asked Brendon, but the answer was vague- something about spilling wine on applications, which was hardly surprising. Then something about a bold question that made sure Ryan was the only applicant he could actually remember the name of. Then there was the fact he was ‘cute’. Gabe should have known. Brendon was weak and easy, as much as he liked to pretend he was in control.

That was exactly why Gabe wanted to know what Ryan’s intentions were with their friend- Brendon had been hurt too many times by gold diggers or fame seekers of those who only thought about Brendon in a lustful light. Gabe was something of a pessimist and imagined that Ryan was all three, and had spun a story in their head of him snatching up the highly paid PA job, finding his way quickly into Brendon’s bed and then ditching him when he made enough money and got bored of running out for Dr. Pepper at 3am. They wanted to meet this guy, interrogate him, and send him packing if they deemed him to be bad news for Brendon. They had a way of making things work for them, so Gabe quickly put a plan into action- Brendon had said that 80% of Ryan’s time was spent coming in and out of Brendon’s apartment, so they got into Brendon’s apartment while he was away with the key they stole, and made themselves at home, knowing from sneaking a copy of a calendar from where it had been abandoned on a coffee table that Ryan was due to deliver some suits that Brendon had splashed on, again. Brendon was also due back soon, but whatever. Gabe casually broke in to his apartment all the time.

They went over to Brendon’s little cocktail bar randomly installed at one end of the ridiculously large kitchen, and made themself a martini while they waited, wandering around and breaking the strings of a view of Brendon’s guitars as they passed the time. Their prediction was correct, it turned out- not fifteen minutes later, they heard the door open, and when Ryan Ready appeared in the doorway, looking somewhat stunned, Gabe had moved so they were casually leaning back against one of the velvet sofas, martini in hand. Gabe had done their research, they knew what this guy looked like, but not how gangly he was. Gabe noted that he was tall. That was probably why Brendon liked him so much. “Hola,” They began, deciding they had to stay true to their brand and speak way more Spanish in a few minutes than they had in the past week in normal conversation. ”I’m Gabriel, amigo. Ryan, right? Come, shut the door. We have a lot to talk about.”

[jakob]

It had been a couple of months, give or take, since Ryan initially gave in to Brendon's advances, and they'd somewhat returned to normalcy. For a while it was unbelievably awkward, because Ryan had blown up at Brendon the morning after and then was obviously ten times more timid around him for weeks afterward, but recently he'd been getting better at hiding how it all affected him. Hell, he was still sleeping with him whenever he got the chance, so clearly it wasn't that big of a deal. It's just that he was having trouble squashing his feelings entirely even now that he knew the possibility that Brendon might like him back, or eventually feel the same way, was incredibly slim. It wasn't just the fact that that was how Brendon naturally was, but also Ryan likely ruined his chances by the way he'd acted originally.

It'd been impulse to jump on Brendon about his emotional unavailability. Impulse, and completely not his business. Fair to say that anything and everything involving Brendon was his business given his still relatively new job, but Brendon was allowed to have his own thoughts and feelings and opinions, and if he didn't want to stick with anyone let alone Ryan, then that made sense. It was up to him - and not just one reckless night between a boss and employee. That's what they were, ultimately, and Ryan had to stop pretending they were anything else, or could be anything else. Ever since what he now called - in his head, since he was too embarrassed about his reaction to talk about it - The Incident, Ryan had been working on ignoring everything or otherwise trying to turn every romantic thought that crossed his mind into a platonic one.

If Brendon smiled, for example, and Ryan felt his whole world light up as a result, it was definitely just 'cause Brendon had become his closest friend and not because he harbored any sort of infatuation for him. If he felt the urge to kiss him out of nowhere or as a result of him doing something Ryan thought was cute, well. They were sleeping together. That wasn't platonic, necessarily, but it was certainly a reason he got such strong swayings on occasion. And the fact that he was never annoyed by any kind of ridiculous request, was actually happy to do whatever for him; Ryan explained that away by his just being a good employee. When Brendon asked him to pick up yet another bunch of suits that cost more than Ryan was worth he really had no issue - just some concern for how Brendon's bank account would feel about it, despite his knowing that Brendon would certainly be fine regardless.

Anyway. Ryan went to do that. The family had a stylist in Beverly Hills, and because he wasn't fond of any task that involved adventuring around Los Angeles, Ryan rushed through it, retrieving Brendon's suits and hanging them up on the hook above his window when he returned to his car. At least he knew Brendon was out today, scheduled to meet with someone (Ryan rarely knew who these days, since he always mentally bristled at the mention of dates now), so with that comfort in mind he hooked the suits over his hand and went up to Brendon's penthouse. He stopped at the door, uncertain, when he heard the sound of someone inside, the picking of guitar strings and footsteps. Didn't sound like two people, or even like Brendon. Had it been Brendon he'd be in the middle of a whole song. Ryan chewed his lower lip tentatively and then bit the bullet, pulling his spare key and opening the door.

Lo and behold, there was already someone there, and so many guitars lined along the walls had curled up broken strings that Ryan suspected there'd been a break-in. His free hand reflexively went to his pocket for his phone to, like, call the police or whatever, and then he realized the person leaned up against Brendon's furniture was a familiar face. Ryan paused, recalibrating before he slowly stepped forward and hung the suits up on the door's back hook. This was one of Brendon's friends. Ryan had maybe seen them in person once or twice, but only across the room of a club where he had to monitor Brendon from a distance, or something. On the other hand, he'd seen them in covers of magazines or in web articles or on the Snapchat explore page countless of times, for as much reason as Brendon had to be listed on those places: none. Well, nothing except for the fact that they were the spawn of people with accomplishments and accumulated wealth.

Ryan liked them because there was nothing not to like. Realistically he probably shouldn't even have an opinion formed on someone who didn't produce any content other than their own face in photoshoots, or whatever, but. They just seemed... charismatic and charming, much like Brendon was. Made sense that they were friends - and it made the fact that they were here in an apartment that wasn't theirs much less worrying. Hola. Ryan remembered to smile, so he did, albeit nervously. "Hi," he replied tentatively, his voice soft without meaning for it to be. He was caught way off-guard. Gabriel, amigo. Well, he knew that. Ryan had become something of a social media celebrity guru ever since he started working for one. He nodded silently, rendered sort of speechless by the surprise. Ryan, right? Come, shut the door. We have a lot to talk about.

Bewildered, Ryan obediently closed the door behind him before he actually thought about it. Wow - maybe he was just used to taking orders now. Or Gabriel here had that effect on everyone. "Right, yeah, it's Ryan," he answered belatedly, moving closer slowly but remaining on the other end of the sofa Gabe had so elegantly draped themself up against. With a martini, no less. Ryan could only dream of hosting a break-in so classy. "Um - like what? Did Brendon ask you to talk to me?" Ryan had a brief moment of panic in which he considered maybe Brendon was sending someone to fire Ryan for him. That way he wouldn't have to hear Ryan's arguing or see his face when it happened. But, really, things had gotten better, so there was no reason for him to get cut off... especially when Ryan was the only one who had the guts to instruct the barista through Brendon's exact coffee order, real control freak style. In Brendon's words, it's 'cause he's a Virgo.

"And does he know you're here? I don't think... I mean, it's nice to meet you and all, I've heard a lot of great things, but I'm not sure if you should... be here. Without him. Breaking stuff." Another super fun Virgo skill - knowing when things are out of place instantly. The guitar strings, the vermouth way out of its spot on the bar, the olive jar still open, etc. He was out on a limb talking to Gabe like that, especially considering Gabe was taller than him and about as gorgeous and powerful as Brendon, but. Ryan had sorta learned not to give a shit in every respect except for socially.

[Neve]

Gabe had first heard about the hiring of a new assistant for Brendon from Boyd- though they despised the man, knowing from stories and impressions that he was unfeeling and wholly money-orientated and barely cared about his youngest son, they were very good at faking otherwise, weasling their way into people’s trust and finding out whatever they wanted to know. It was a talent. Boyd, they knew, adored them; once, the fucker had told them that they were ‘the son he never had’ (Gabe didn’t appreciate the terminology or the sentiment there), and Gabe had just smiled stiffly and lied through their teeth about what Boyd’s approval meant to them. Inside, they were thinking about possibly putting this guy in a chokehold, forcing him to pay attention to Brendon for just one second and have him apologise for the careless treatment and the lack of parental guidance and affection that played a large role in making Brendon into what he was today- misguided, reckless, yearning for approval, emotionally guarded, unmotivated in business like his older siblings. His parents deflected any blame, and though obviously his acting out wasn’t entirely their fault and was sometimes a product of a combination of obvious adhd and constant boredom, they did pass on some of their worst traits to their son, and had seemingly used up all ‘good parent’ energy on their four older children.

Boyd, for example, was a hypocrite, and Gabe knew it from their father’s stories. Their father had been born rich, it was his father that earned their fortune, and was one of Boyd’s first friends of that calibre and lifestyle. Gabe had a plethora of stories under their belt from their father about Boyd, how he had been an unmotivated party animal once, almost a mirror image of Brendon. It was one of the many reasons Gabe despised him so much- but in the end, he was a good source of information when Brendon was too stubborn to talk, and that’s how they found out about Ryan, so it worked out in the end. They still wanted to throttle him, but Gabe was tactical, and weighing the options, keeping him unscathed worked more in their favour. Anyway, Boyd had mentioned it in passing, and Gabe’s interest was immediately
piqued. They knew that Brendon had hired one previous PA, and that he fired them because of... reasons Gabe didn’t care to disclose to Brendon’s father. That’s why they were concerned when Brendon dropped the bombshell on them that he had slept with his new PA, already, and that this PA had heavily criticised him afterwards and was about as patronising as his parents (‘you’re emotionally unavailable, you’re selfish, you’re unsafe and you reckless, et cetera), Gabe knew they had to interfere before Brendon got himself hurt again.

Usually, this wouldn’t be a problem. Brendon had meaningless flings with peopl all the time, but he had a rule- nobody more than once. And Brendon had broken this rule with nary a backwards glance for this guy (who was, in Gabe’s definitely not humble opinion, nothing special) very quickly. In the past when Brendon had done that, it ended with heartache, and the walls that Brendon kept up grew stronger to the point they were practically impenetrable. Every time he risked it and exposed some of himself for real, he was stabbed and left in the dust in broad daylight, those that took advantage of him driving a knife square into whatever vulnerability that he trusted them enough to expose. Gabe wasn’t an idiot- they cared about Brendon, they didn’t want him to get hurt again by someone who would take advantage, and they had done this before- casually threaten those that would or had hurt Brendon. It was routine by now- and Brendon was wise of it, often growing irritated by Gabe’s interference; that was why they had to technically break in to Brendon’s penthouse and leave him none the wiser. So far, the plan had proceeded as expected.

Hi. Gabe raised an eyebrow when Ryan finally walked in, and took another judgemental sip from their martini. For a moment they considered offering him a drink, because the guy looked like he wanted to call the cops or call Brendon or both, but decided against it, not wanting to irritate Brendon by further depleting his closely monitored alcohol supply. They moved on by inviting- no, instructing- Ryan into the penthouse, barely a hand gesture indicating for him to shut the door behind him. Gabe commanded that kind of authority. Right, Yeah, it’s Ryan. Gabe knew that, and they wanted to make Ryan feel uncomfortable, like they knew everything about him already. And they pretty much did. “Fantastico. Sit down?” They indicated towards a plush seat opposite, momentarily setting their martini on the glass coffee table. Um- like what? Did Brendon ask you to talk to me? Shaking their head, they threw a leg over the other, knee pointed outward and ankle resting on their other knee, leaning backwards and spreading their arms out over the back of the sofa, looking like a true sycophant.

”No, he doesn’t know I’m talking to you. Actually, he most likely wouldn’t want me to. I have a history of, like, scaring away his potential hookups.” Gabe dropped that casually, but made no elaboration that they knew about it already happening between Brendon and Ryan. And does he know you're here? I don't think... I mean, it's nice to meet you and all, I've heard a lot of great things, but I'm not sure if you should... be here. Without him. Breaking stuff. Gabe just raises their eyebrows in disdain- was Ryan not aware of the nature of their and Brendon’s relationship? As in, they kind of semi-lived at eachother’s places half the time, and showing up completely unannounced was normal? Apparently not. They just flashed him a grin in response, leaving it enigmatic. ”Breaking his instruments- a lesser evil than, maybe, his heart.” Their eyes were more piercing now, and they leaned forwards, dropping their arms from the back of the couch.

”I’ll cut to the chase, Ryan. I know you and Brendon are, whatever, sleeping together- Notice the present tense. That doesn’t usually happen with Brendon.” Gabe paused, not long enough to let Ryan feel good about himself. ”So you must be doing something right to cancel out how much of a self-righteous asshole you’ve apparently been. I want to know what that is.” No further explanation, yet. They just watched him, gauging his reaction.

[jakob]

Naturally, Ryan was uncomfortable. He already was in most, if not all social situations, but this one was sort of forced upon him, and Gabe and himself were totally out of balance. Not just, like, class-wise; at this point Ryan was used to being less wealthy and powerful than the people he was around anyway. More in the aspect of personality, though, Gabe was of the same caliber as Brendon, and the only thing Ryan knew to do around people like that was try and control them or water them down. Which was probably why his very misguided instinct with Gabe was to make sure they were even allowed to be here in the first place. He figured the best way to navigate this situation would probably just be to keep whatever the incoming conversation was short, rush out the door quickly, maybe call Brendon somewhere along the way to let him know someone was in his house.

Fantastico. Sit down? Ryan didn't comply for a second, looking where Gabe had gestured but not quite registering. Eventually he moved hesitantly over, tracing a tiny design on the headrest while he waffled about before dropping into the seat. Rather than mirroring Gabe's aristocratic pose in their spot, he shrunk himself down, pulling his hands together in his lap and keeping both feet planted on the floor. No, he doesn’t know I’m talking to you. Actually, he most likely wouldn’t want me to. I have a history of, like, scaring away his potential hookups. Ryan tilted his head questioningly, wondering what Gabe knew - and if they knew, who else did? Was Brendon waving the affair around openly while Ryan tortured himself over it? Well, if Gabe was comfortable enough with Brendon to just pop up in his home like this, then it probably just meant he finally had a friend close enough to talk to about these things. Ryan supposed he was glad for that fact, but a little unsettled over it coming back to him like this.

Ryan addressing the elephant in the room of Gabe being here technically uninvited went over surprisingly well - on the surface. He thought he was in the clear until they spoke. Breaking his instruments- a lesser evil than, maybe, his heart. Ryan furrowed his brow, even more confused now. So were they actually told about what was going on, or did Brendon, maybe, say something else Ryan didn't know himself? If Gabe was afraid of Brendon's heart being broken, maybe they thought he was sacrificing it in the first place; as in, Brendon had told them he liked Ryan back, or something. The slim possibility in itself was enough to make Ryan's heart race a little, but as of right now, the only certain thing was that Gabe, for whatever reason, thought he might hurt Brendon. Which was about the furthest thing from his real intentions as it could get. Since it seemed like they weren't quite done anyway, Ryan withheld any argument, pursing his lips and shaking his head slightly at the implication he'd ever do that to Brendon.

I’ll cut to the chase, Ryan. I know you and Brendon are, whatever, sleeping together- Notice the present tense. Oh. So there, that's what had gotten out. Ryan bowed his head and placed his chin in his hand, staring at the floor. That doesn’t usually happen with Brendon. It really, really didn't. It might've been a flattering statement if Ryan hadn't already convinced himself that the only reason they were still doing this was because Brendon didn't feel like firing him just yet. It was only a matter of time - the affair was to keep Ryan from overreacting again, he supposed. So you must be doing something right to cancel out how much of a self-righteous asshole you’ve apparently been. I want to know what that is. Ryan instantly looked affronted, despite his knack for hiding his true feelings about whatever. "You've got it all wrong. Trust me."

Ryan drew his hand over his face, figuring he could leave it at that since this was his and Brendon's business and not Gabe's, but the impulse to just talk it all through was overwhelming. After all, he'd kept it entirely to himself anyway. After a moment it apparently became too much to just keep this to himself, and he had to actually answer. "That's not - I wasn't trying to be self-righteous, or an asshole, you have to believe me. I just... I just want him to be okay, and watching him come home with people who don't give a shit about him night after night, that's..." Ryan shrugged, looking off to the window, and really hoped this wasn't something Brendon would hear later. He'd got enough of it, anyway. "I know he says he doesn't need anyone, or whatever. It just seems like... such an empty life. Coming home with strangers every night, then waking up to an empty bed and resetting the cycle. And he deserves better."

After a pause, Ryan realised that that was definitely provocation for another smart response, and he put a hand up briefly. "I know, that's not necessarily me, just. I dunno, I'd even be happy to see him... find someone else, maybe. Anything's better than what he was doing." There. He'd said, like, one percent of what he'd always wanted to. And sure, some regret was settling in because he didn't quite trust Gabe, but whatever. At least the gist of it was all out.

[Neve]

Gabe honestly could not see what Brendon saw in this guy. They had a moment to just study, try and pinpoint exactly what made him so special- but to them, there was nothing. Sure, he was relatively tall (probably almost 6 feet, nowhere near Gabe’s height), but apart from that- his eyes were nice, they supposed, a sort of honeycomb colour, and his hair was dark and looked like it could be curly if he just left it to dry. To be fair, the more Gabe looked, the more they kind of understood- Ryan was, underneath many layers and a misleadingly lean appearance, fairly built, enough that Gabe could tell. And he was a guitarist- when Ryan put his hands in his lap, that was obvious. Well, appearance was all well and good, and Ryan could be classed as on the spectrum of Brendon’s ‘type’, but from what they saw, he was quiet and unassuming and painfully socially awkward. The Brendon that Gabe knew didn’t have the patience for those kinds of people- usually. Suddenly Gabe phased a little out of interrogation mode; though Brendon was sometimes oblivious, he wasn’t stupid. Maybe they should trust his judgement a little more. This nervous PA didn’t seem like a potential threat.

Even so, they retained the image and mindset of grilling this guy to find out what, if any, his intentions were, and whether he knew just how vulnerable Brendon was making himself by even committing to what could only be described as an elongated fling for such a long time. They kept it subtle at first, noting that Ryan had the audacity to look a little apprehensive, and the foresight to look confused. Gabe hopes they wouldn’t have to, like, prove that they knew, but they would if Ryan refused to admit to it even after they revealed that Brendon had told them. Casually they kind of dropped a warning- mentioning the breaking of Brendon’s heart that they hoped was pointed rather than general. Brendon was by no means in love with Ryan, in fact Gabe wasn’t even sure how he really felt about him. They did know that he mentioned Ryan too often for it to be completely unattached, and the way he spoke about him... Against Brendon’s will, seemingly, he always ended up smiling, his eyes even crinkling at the corners. If that wasn’t on the way to Brendon’s guarded heart, nothing was. But they weren’t going to tell Ryan that. Yet.

Fed up of dancing around it, they dropped it on Ryan that they knew, they’ve known all along, since the first morning after it happened when Brendon had called them, angry and frustrated, complaining that he thought somebody just cared about him again and all they did was be patronising and expect him to immediately fall in love. Or something. Gabe didn’t really follow- they were still in bed and half asleep. They watched carefully as Ryan seemed to curl up a little more, resigning his eyes to the floor. Gabe felt no sympathy and just pried, not willing to give up and determined to do something on a scale of warning to straight up threatening this guy not to hurt Brendon in any way that was his control. But they could only do that if he started to talk. You’ve got it all wrong. Trust me. Gabe looked doubtful. ”Are you sure? What I heard sounded pretty telling, and I heard it from Brendon, not my own intuition.”

That’s not- I wasn’t trying to be self-righteous, or an asshole, you have to believe me. Gabe was feeling generous, so they opted to hear him out, even though they made their distrust plain in their expression, gaze still intense and searching. I just... I just want him to be okay, and watching him come home with people who don’t give a shit about him night after night, that’s... Okay, Gabe knew. They had tried to speak to Brendon about this in the past but was brushed off because Brendon didn’t care whether all of these brief hookups cared about him, because he didn’t particularly care about them. But Ryan- Ryan he’d trusted and hours later he’d felt like he was on the receiving end of a pretentious lecture on morals and safety. Not something he wanted from someone he planned on sleeping with anyway- and apparently he had been forgiving because it was still happening. And that irritated Gabe, because Ryan was a hypocrite, no matter how you looked at it.

I know he says he doesn’t need anyone, or whatever, it just seems like... such an empty life. Gabe stayed quiet for a second, before exhaling and leaning forwards. ”It’s not empty. He’s not empty. He doesn’t need you to psychoanalyse him. He’s not empty, he just fills his life with questionable things, but who am I to judge him? Who are you? It’s not our place. We can advice, but don’t- before you go around giving him life advice, regain his trust. He doesn’t trust you right now.” Why were they giving him advice? Gabe clenched their jaw. Coming Home with strangers every night, then waking up to an empty bed and resetting the cycle. And he deserves better. ”And are you better, Ryan?” Came the instant response, as Gabe raised an eyebrow. He talked all that talk, but what did Ryan really want? Was this for Brendon’s sake, or his? Gabe wanted to find out because it wasn’t clear yet.

I know, that's not necessarily me, just. I dunno, I'd even be happy to see him... find someone else, maybe. Anything's better than what he was doing. Okay, good, Gabe was impressed, but not entirely convinced. This guy clearly wasn’t a gold digger or anything like that, but his intentions were still vague and unclear. Gabe rested their chin in their hand for a moment, considering him, before sitting back again. ”So, Ryan- what do you want from Brendon? And don’t say nothing. You’re sleeping with him, for fuck’s sake.”

[jakob]

In the beginning, Ryan wasn't sure what he'd gotten himself into. He was sleeping with the son of one of the wealthiest people in the country, who held more power in one hand than anyone else Ryan knew collectively, and yet what he was worried about wasn't losing his job or financial instability or being on some rich dude's shit list. He was just scared of Brendon hating him. It seemed like he was well on his way to that, though, remembering the way Brendon looked at him after the first time. He was so hurt, like Ryan had truly hit a nerve for once. And then occasionally Ryan was still obvious about how he felt, what he thought about Brendon, et cetera - all without meaning to be, all in subtle shifts in expression or vocal tone, and when Brendon caught on he'd grow distant again. It was an awful cycle to be stuck in.

As much as he tried to circle the subject, look at it from every perspective, he could not, for the life of him, tell how Brendon felt. As far as Ryan knew, this was just an affair to him, no strings attached. There was the job, their professional life together, and then an after-hours where they slept together and went their separate ways. And maybe Brendon knew Ryan thought about him in a very different way - certainly he knew a lot of people felt some level of affection for him, after all - but it's not like that directly affected him until Ryan said something or acted on it, which he certainly wouldn't. Normally he could be at least a little assertive and straightforward (he was fairly monotonous either way; why address people differently) but around Brendon he became more awkward and stilted than usual, and Ryan especially didn't want to make himself vulnerable around him. Not just 'cause of the boss thing but the whole 'entirely-out-of-my-league' thing.

Are you sure? What I heard sounded pretty telling, and I heard it from Brendon, not my own intuition. Shit. So they did know things. But still - it was Brendon's perspective, and as much as Ryan liked him, he could be just a little short-sighted... though maybe it didn't apply here since no matter what way Ryan tried to forgive himself, he knew he hadn't done a thing right since he first ended up in Brendon's bed. That was the first mistake, and then it was confronting Brendon, and then it was not ending the affair as soon as possible. A series of bad choices had led him to this point, sitting in front of someone ready to tear him a new one because he had been more than sort of an asshole all along. Just saying he 'hadn't meant to be an asshole' didn't help much, either; that did nothing to reverse his invasion of Brendon's boundaries and making unfair, half-true at best, assumptions about him.

Despite his attempts at self-defense - or his preface to it, really - Gabe still looked unconvinced, gaze steely and fixed directly on him. Needless to say, Ryan was on edge. What was the point of this if he couldn't even convince himself he was right about the situation? By now all Ryan was doing was venting, not looking for acceptance. Not like there was anywhere else to go. It’s not empty. He’s not empty. He doesn’t need you to psychoanalyse him. Which Ryan did a fuckton of. Unwarranted. He shut his eyes tight for a second, guilty. He’s not empty, he just fills his life with questionable things, but who am I to judge him? Who are you? It’s not our place. They were right. These were Brendon's vices, his chosen 'sins' so to speak, and everyone had them to an extent. Ryan himself smoked on occasion, had more often since he came into money, barely saw a vegetable some weeks, or barely saw food some days with no mention of water. And he hadn't called any friends of his more than three times since he moved closer to Brendon. He wasn't healthy by any means, he just survived with convenience in mind.

We can advise, but don’t- before you go around giving him life advice, regain his trust. He doesn’t trust you right now. Ryan straightened up a little, meeting Gave's gaze properly and looking serious. "He doesn't - really? He doesn't trust me," Ryan echoed, going fast from focusing on Gabe to becoming disengaged and thoughtful, glancing off to the corner to consider this. It wasn't that hard to believe, really - he had, after all, betrayed Brendon's hard-earned trust. But he didn't think that essentially telling Brendon his recklessness was going to get him hurt, his callousness wasn't healthy, was that damaging to their established rapport. And are you better, Ryan? Though Ryan was already on his way to clarifying that he really and truly wasn't, he still quickly shook his head, looking ill. Gabe really knew how to hit the chinks in someone's armor, huh? He supposed he'd like that quality if he wasn't on the receiving end.

He stared at his hands again while Gabe looked him over, chin in hand like they were his psychiatrist. Maybe this was a session. He certainly wasn't feeling a lot better. Ryan sat back when they did, unconsciously mirroring their actions. So, Ryan- what do you want from Brendon? And don’t say nothing. You’re sleeping with him, for fuck’s sake. Ryan paused, studying Gabe carefully. Did they really think he had awful intent here? Did he look like some of the assholes Brendon pulled around? Before this, Ryan was fairly certain he sported the 'shrimpy nerd' look very well. Apparently he looked like a threat to Brendon goddamn Blake, though. "That doesn't mean he owes me anything," he said truthfully, his voice quieter. "Just, in a perfect world, it'd be nice if... he could like me back. If I had a chance, whatever. I don't know."

He shrugged, sliding down further in the chair and putting his arms on the rests tiredly. "That's what I want. Ideally, he could have any kind of interest in me that isn't - you know." Ryan tossed a glance towards the bed, reserved. "I mean, I'd settle for him being with anyone as long as he isn't alone anymore. And you know what I mean by 'alone' - he's surrounded by people now, sure, but you're the only one I've seen that actually gives a fuck. You came here." He told them. That's what made the difference. He realised all of this sounded like a huge 'nice guy' act and tried to backtrack a little, though really it was hard to make a save at this point. "It'd suck like hell, yeah, but I care about him, you know? I don't show it well, I say all the wrong things - which you heard, I guess - but I do. He's way more than some rich asshole's son." At some time during his long-winded speech Ryan had tucked his jaw into his hand and was resting his elbow on the armrest resignedly, body slanted while he supported the weight of his head. This all sounded like some really pretentious rom-com, but he couldn't say what he meant without that happening by chance. And Gabe appeared to be a little forgiving of his dumbassery, luckily.

[Neve]

Brendon was by no means perfect, and what was surprising was that whatever the media said about him tended to be founded in truth. Gabe was probably even worse- they’d both done some shady shit in the past- but they were better at concealing it than him, more public relation savvy, better at dusting it under the rug. The cleaner someone looked, the more they had to hide- unless it was Brendon, whose private life was so pathetically non-private that he had given up completely on caring what people knew or thought about him and just tried to have a good time. That was why his image was so tattered- it wasn’t that he was any more of a troublesome playboy than, say, Gabe- he was just more reckless, and much worse at keeping it together and not cracking under the pressure to keep his image pristine. That pressure came from his family, especially his father, and it was too large a weight to bear alone on his shoulders, so he stopped trying, just let it tumble down at his feet, kicking the fallout aside until it came back to bite him. Brendon lived in the moment- dangerously, questionably- and it was natural that people would be concerned about him, or more commonly, intrusive and intruiged.

Gabe tried to tail Brendon as much as they could without being yelled at for being patronising- and the threshold for that was low, even for Gabe, Brendon’s closet friend. They followed him to events they knew had been staged to try and make Brendon fuck up in any way possible to make for a good news story. They stood around like a personal bodyguard, looking intimidating, so shady characters didn’t chance their arm. But they couldn’t be there all the time- honestly, they didn’t really want to- and Brendon was going to meet people, and choose people to keep seeing, and Gabe could do nothing as a precaution head on without being accused of interfering with Brendon’s life or being paid by his father or something (Gabe despised Brendon’s father, that was never going to happen), so they chose a more discreet approach, all but ambushing poor R.R, the unassuming PA who was just on his way to drop off some suits for his boss. That’s what their relationship should be. Gabe knew this was far from the case and their relationship was hardly professional at all.

They were distrustful, but also felt a tug on their gut that Ryan really did just want Brendon to be happy and healthily fulfilled, even if he had a funny way of showing and describing it. Therefore, against their own usual character and better judgement, they decided to offer Ryan some quite harsh advice, laying it down that Brendon didn’t completely trust Ryan and it would take work for trust to build with someone so guarded and emotionally unavailable. Ryan had his work cut out- it had taken years for Gabe to break through the barrier and they still weren’t all the way through- so they felt some sympathy, and showed their rarely-seen helpful side- only to regret it immediately. Brendon would kill them if he found out, and Ryan didn’t look particularly good at keeping secrets. He doesn’t- really? He doesn’t trust me. Gabe nodded, watching as Ryan’s gaze darted away, distracted. ”Not completely. He did start to, but- you said all that to him and it was a hard blow. If he wanted to, he’d have completely cut you off by now, so- don’t worry. And don’t take it personally. Just- be honest with him, but not patronizing.” Gabe smiled fondly, then insulted him affectionately as only close friends could. ”Fuckin’ brat isn’t used to criticism.”

That doesn’t mean he owes you anything. Good answer. They thought about bringing up the whole ‘you’re getting paid and also sleeping with the person that pays you’ predicament and what it implied, but Ryan seemed to be preoccupied with enough, so they held their tongue for once. Just, in a perfect world, it’d be nice if... he could like me back. If I had a chance, whatever. I don’t know. Geniunely surprised, Gabe found themself with a new respect for Ryan- they were observant and intuitive and they could tell Ryan was telling the truth, he did really, genuinely like Brendon, and he just wanted his affections returned. Typical pining story, typical ‘damaged’ love interest. It was so sweet, Gabe could be sick. They tried not to grimace and kept listening. That’s what I want. Ideally, he could have any kind of interest in me that isn’t- you know. Gabe followed his eyes to the bed and wished they didn’t have that image in their head, but laughed anyway. ”You’re not complaining about that, are you?”

I mean, I'd settle for him being with anyone as long as he isn't alone anymore. And you know what I mean by 'alone' - he's surrounded by people now, sure, but you're the only one I've seen that actually gives a fuck. You came here. Ryan wasn’t entirely wrong, but he wasn’t entirely right, either. Gabe was probably the person who cared the most, but they weren’t the only. Brendon wasn’t as lonely as many people believed, but lonely enough that it was relatively obvious. They remained quiet, just clenched their jaw. It'd suck like hell, yeah, but I care about him, you know? I don't show it well, I say all the wrong things - which you heard, I guess - but I do. He's way more than some rich asshole's son. ”I know, dumbass,” They cut in, slightly irritated. ”I know that rich asshole, personally, and he and Brendon are nothing alike. Brendon is better. He deserves better- than me, than his dad, than you, than anyone. But there’s something about you he obviously can’t shake because he’s kept seeing you. You’re clearly important to him. Just don’t fuck it up. I mean it.”

There were maybe a few moments of quiet after that when the door to the penthouse opened and through it came the devil as they spoke of him- Brendon, apparently making an unplanned stop at his house. Unusual, even though it was his own damn apartment. Gabe tried not to look too guilty, standing up immediately and knocking back the rest of their martini, grinning charmingly over at their friend as he advanced, immediately looking suspicious, eyes darting from a resigned looking Ryan to a cheery Gabe. ”Hey, Gabe,” He said lightly, eyebrows risen. ”...Hey, Ryan. What’re you guys doing here?” Gabe walked around the sofa towards him, forgetting about Ryan, and shrugged casually. ”Just stopping by. Ran into your little boyfriend, too! Small world.” Gabe could get away with that- Gabe was Gabe. Nevertheless, Brendon rolled his eyes, still looking rather terse, his jaw clenched as he shrugged off his denim jacket and left it carefully on the back of the sofa that Ryan was sitting on.

”Whatever, Gabriel. I’ll see you around, yeah? Text me.” That was a vaguely threatening command, not a request. Even so, it was hard to look intimidating when he was 5’9 and Gabe was 6’4. Gabe had grinned, looked from Ryan to Brendon, and shrugged, before heading towards the door. ”Try and keep it in your pants, Bden. Adios!” Before Brendon could, like, throw something at them, they had made a swift exit, leaving Ryan and Brendon alone in the apartment. ”God fuckin’ damn, maybe I need to set stronger boundaries,” He mused, though he was smiling. Brendon stood behind the back of the sofa Ryan hadn’t moved from, and rested his hands gently on his shoulders, an oddly intimate touch, if only to quell the urge to lean down and kiss him. ”Uh, so- what was that about?”

[jakob]

Something odd about this sort of confrontation was that he really didn't mind Gabe no matter how critical or vindictive they got; they had a way of speaking and acting that made them charming regardless. Which is why Ryan was surprised that he couldn't quite remember ever talking to them at length before or being around when Gabe and Brendon actually hung out beyond a few passing moments - he knew he would've actually enjoyed Gabe's company, and that was a first for one of Brendon's friends. Usually he had to pretend to be interested in some guy who looked like he just got kicked out of his fraternity, or one who wanted to advertise his SoundCloud record, or one who bragged about all his bought social media followers. It was like a breath of fresh air to meet Gabe, who apparently only wanted to talk about keeping Brendon safe and comfortable.

Brendon, though, apparently had little to no trust in him. Ryan felt sick just thinking that. Not completely. He did start to, but- you said all that to him and it was a hard blow. Fuck. Ryan wondered when that would ever stop haunting him. Well - at least it was a lesson in not speaking before thinking ever again. As long as he wanted to be a good friend again, he really needed to make some improvements to himself. If he wanted to, he’d have completely cut you off by now, so- don’t worry. And don’t take it personally. Just- be honest with him, but not patronizing. As far as he understood from all of Brendon's 'Virgo' accusations, being patronizing was a facet of his personality that he could not avoid, but Ryan could at least try. Anyway - it was reassuring that he wasn't cut off, but only to a point. After all, it's not like Ryan was as easy to just cut off as everyone else. Brendon would have to fire him, which would take some explaining to his father, and then he'd have to sever all the connections Ryan had to his business, et cetera. It was a lot of work - maybe he wanted to cut Ryan off but just didn't want to go through the effort.

That was a reach, though. Probably. Fuckin’ brat isn’t used to criticism. Ryan smiled with them, a little more at ease, and found that Gabe's happier expressions really made the situation a lot more hopeful. In fact, he felt this weird sense of approval/encouragement just from the fact that Gabe was sort of joking around with him. Odd how quickly he wanted to impress a near-stranger. He alluded to his, uh, situation with said near-stranger, though, with no issue, and Gabe kind of laughed at him. Ryan had the decency to look sheepish. You’re not complaining about that, are you? This was about as good as Ryan could ever feasibly do. He shook his head profusely, knowing that was probably a rhetorical question but entirely unable to leave it alone. "Of course not," he said quickly. He'd probably be complaining if it was, like, bad in addition to torturing his psyche. Alas he was only suffering from the latter issue.

I know, dumbass. Jeez. Ryan was again on edge, basically controlled by Gabe's reactions at this point. I know that rich asshole, personally, and he and Brendon are nothing alike. Brendon is better. He deserves better- than me, than his dad, than you, than anyone. Ryan was nodding absently all the way through, knowing Gabe was right and wishing everyone else realised it, too. But there’s something about you he obviously can’t shake because he’s kept seeing you. You’re clearly important to him. Looking hopeful again, Ryan levelled his gaze with Gabe's, trying to take this in. So here was someone actually sensible, and they thought Brendon considered Ryan an important part of his life. He was truly elated, but it seemed too unrealistic for him to react in any way other than being stunned. Just don’t fuck it up. I mean it. Ryan nodded slowly, eyes softer. "I won't," he murmured, then tried more carefully. "I won't."

There was a pause where Ryan again stared at his moving fingers, but jumped a little when the door opened and Gabe stood like they'd practiced looking innocent. They looked enthused as ever, and Brendon looked beyond suspicious, but Ryan couldn't pull any innocuous act other than looking slightly ill. Hey, Gabe... hey, Ryan. What’re you guys doing here? Ryan had an excuse. He looked to Gabe to see how they'd get away with this, since they obviously would. They moved to him breezily, and Ryan remained seated, looking on resignedly - he didn't even offer a greeting beyond a nod in Brendon's direction, figuring Gabe's presence was more random and therefore them talking was more a point of interest. Just stopping by. Ran into your little boyfriend, too! Small world. Ryan's eyes widened as Brendon's rolled, trying not to stare too much after that comment - especially hard to do when Brendon looked the way he did today. Still very Brendon, perfect and put together, but sweeter, more casual. He glanced away as his jacket came off and landed over the seat back, leaning forward as if it had hit him on the way over.

Predictably, though, Gabe got away with it. Whatever, Gabriel. I’ll see you around, yeah? Text me. Not a question. Ryan couldn't imagine talking to them like that and looked on in wait for the argument - but there was none. He met their gaze for the last time before they started heading out. Try and keep it in your pants, Bden. Adios! Ryan looked embarrassed once again, even running his hand over his face like it could expel any blush that threatened to rise to his features. God fuckin’ damn, maybe I need to set stronger boundaries. Ryan finally looked up again, catching Brendon's smile a bit dazedly before remembering he really wasn't allowed to be like that and gave a nervous smile back. "Maybe. I liked them," he offered, watching as Brendon approached and placed his hands, gentle as ever, on Ryan's shoulders. Ryan's smile faded by a fraction and he turned his head somewhat, almost looking away but not quite.

Uh, so- what was that about? Ryan paused, trying to squash the spark of every dumb scenario playing in his head: Brendon leaning down to kiss him, or Ryan taking one of the hands on his shoulders, or standing to be closer to him otherwise. Stupid. "Um," he murmured, realizing belatedly that he hadn't come up with a good lie as of yet. "I think they just wanted to see what all this 'new PA' business was about. Gabe's really cool." He said that last part carefully. On his new 'trying not to sound like Brendon's mom' venture, there was no way he could blurt out his original Gabe's a really good friend, I'm glad you're close to them or something like it. "Anyway, uh, I got your suits, they're on the back of the door." Ryan brought a knee up to his chest and wrung his hands together around it, looking away again. "So, why're you back early? I thought you had things to do?"

[Neve]

Prior to coming back home, Brendon had experienced a relatively busy day that he didn’t really have the energy to engage in in the first place. He had woken up around eight, early for him, and lay in bed, trying not to notice the absence of heat beside him that he’d gotten so used to recently. Without ryan, his bedroom was empty and sort of cold, and Brendon had sat up against the headboard, thinking of a professional excuse to text him. He already knew about the suits, but that dropoff was scheduled mid-afternoon and Brendon would probably be busy if he remembered from the half-hearted glance he payed to his calendar. Brendon bit his lip then reached over to his dressing table and picked up his phone, sending Ryan a quick text- So, what’s on my agenda today? I can’t remember. Ryan responded almost immediately and while he was typing Brendon hauled himself out of bed, stretching lithely and then trudging over, half-asleep, to stand in front of his floor-length mirror. He rubbed his right hand over his sleeve of tattoos and then ran into through his hair, trying to push it back now it had sprung out of place.

Ryan’s reply was something along the lines of informing him of a lot of boring things that Brendon had to do and then something even worse- lunch, with his parents. What was worse was that he didn’t know which-if any- siblings would be there, and that would take his excitement levels from zero into the minuses. Though he was kinda pissed, he just texted Ryan ‘thank you’ followed by a risky ‘I missed you last night, good morning’. Brendon had a talent of effortlessly fading in and out of being professional. He turned off his phone, then, so he didn’t have to see the reply, and turned to head into his bathroom to go and have a shower, before getting dressed (planning a more casual outfit around his new oversized denim jacket). Hair now tamed, dressed, ready, Brendon took his phone and turned it on but didn’t look at the notifications in his messages from Ryan, just shoved it in his pocket and left his house, trying to mentally prepare himself for even a couple of hours with his family.

Twenty minutes into being there, his father had already criticised him about his ‘lack of motivation’, disguising plain, disdainful insult as ‘advice’, and his mother had ‘just mentioned’ the fact he still didn’t have a girlfriend. Brendon was somewhat surprised, his parents were Mormon, sure, but he really didn’t expect them to be so rigid about who they wanted Brendon to be with. They had accepted rather reluctantly that he was bisexual, which was a step, but it was more tolerating than embracing with open arms. He now knew his mother was trying to like, forget what he’d said and ignore the fact he liked men. Brendon was frustrated and had had enough of the two of them interfering with his life- he was close to snapping at that fancy restaurant but consoled himself, made a curt excuse, pushed his chair back and left the lunch despite the protests of his parents and the obvious angry sighs from his father had made him want to turn around and punch him. But Brendon had just exhaled and left, trying not to make a scene, which was unusual for someone who usually attracted all the wrong attention.

From that, he had gone to a Starbucks, ignoring his schedule, and sat inside for once, managing to look pissed off enough that nobody tried to approach him, they just whispered and took pictures and his barista looked extremely flustered. Brendon tried to be as charming and friendly as possible so the barista didn’t, like, get stressed out and drop coffee everywhere. After thirty minutes of just trying to relax, he rose and made a decision- his day was hereby over, he was too stressed to do anything else, he wanted to go home, and he had nervous energy and frustration he needed to dispel. His head immediately went to Ryan- he looked at his phone, and still didn’t have the guts to check what Ryan had actually said. He just walked out of the Starbucks and called an Uber, not really feeling like walking back to the restaurant and retrieving his chauffeur. So, he was dropped off home, and took the elevator to the top floor.

He knew it was about time that Ryan would be dropping off his new suits, and he had planned his arrival accordingly- the person he didn’t expect to be in his house was Gabe, who he was pretty sure had a key to his apartment that Brendon didn’t know about. He didn’t really mind their presence, but Gabe knew about him and Ryan, and Gabe being alone with him and Ryan being so resigned and quiet was setting off a million warning signs. If Gabe had said anything stupid or misleading, he’d throttle them. Or pay someone else to do it. He was too small. In any case, Brendon wanted to be alone with Ryan anyway, so firmly kicked his friend out, promising subtextually that they’d have a conversation about this ‘coincidence’ later. Gabe had surprisingly left pretty quickly, without dragging it out, and Brendon exhaled a laugh when the door shut, constantly amused by his friend’s behaviour.

Even though he was now home, he was no less nervously energetic, but he managed to keep it under control, somehow enough that he could be gentle, placing his hands on Ryan’s shoulders and inquiring exactly what had happened when Gabe showed up unannounced. Maybe. I liked them. Who didn’t? Brendon smiled, eyes crinkling, because he liked Gabe too, a lot. They always had Brendon’s back. ”Me too.” Um, I think they just wanted to see what all this ‘new PA’ business was about. Gabe’s really cool. Brendon clicked his tongue, because there was no way that was true, Brendon had told Gabe everything they needed to know, Gabe never did anything out of curiosity and there was always a motive. ”C’mon, Ry. I’ll find out from Gabe anyway.” He dropped his hands back down to his sides and walked around the sofa, picking up Gabe’s discarded martini glass and walking back over into the kitchen to place it on the side. He then returned, still looking suspicious.

Anyway, uh, I got your suits, they’re on the back of the door. Brendon nodded faintly in acknowledgement, looking towards the door, but nothing more. Usually, Brendon would have dropped everything to try them on, but he was wholly preoccupied. So, why’re you back early? I thought you had things to do? Brendon grinned then, welcoming of the topic change for a moment. ”Bailed on lunch with my parents, ditched the rest of my plans for today. Besides, I added something new to do to the calendar,” He said casually, wandering back around and leaning down to wrap his arms loosely around his neck, turning his head and leaning close to speak into his ear. ”Ryan Ready.” He grinned, proud of his own elaborate innuendo, and moved one hand to play with the buttons of his shirt idly, remaining where he was, loosely wrapped around Ryan’s neck.

[jakob]

This morning, Ryan never would have guessed he'd be having such a messy day - but it was still a pretty eventful start off anyway. He'd been awake since ungodly hours, holed up on his sofa as usual with some old horror film and a very flat soda, when Brendon texted him wondering what was happening today. It was particularly busy and had some not-so-fun tasks, especially the part where Brendon had to actually meet up with his parents, so Ryan knew he was going to practically be on call - whether it be for a normal task or some kind of venting place, he didn't really mind. He just knew today was definitely going to be shitty for Brendon. Turns out, though, that Ryan had just as much in store - although Gabe's visit was kind of helpful despite being mostly uncomfortable in the moment. So Brendon was still definitely the more far-suffering one here, no surprise he bailed on it all and came home early.

Aside from that he'd gotten a little pick-me-up of sorts to get him through the day, lucky him: I missed you last night, good morning. Ryan took probably ten minutes (of grinning stupidly at his screen and biting his lip to try to stop it and failing and hiding his face in a couch pillow and getting to warm and pulling away and retyping responses over and over again) to actually answer, which ended up being pretty unambitious. He couldn't be bold - he'd already fucked up their former friendship and professional relationship. Both things still existed, but they weren't quite the same, just tailored to fit this weird new routine him and Brendon had fallen into. In the end, his response had been you too with a casual smiley (which he instantly regretted, too), followed by an actual 'good morning.' Fairly platonic-looking. Again, it's not like he could risk much else.

He figured the on-edge look Brendon was sporting could be attributed to him coming home to an unexpected sight, but that was initially - he eventually put the pieces together that one, Brendon had had a rough day ahead of him (or at least it was rough compared to his usually easy work-free days), and two, he'd come home early. So something came between him and his plans. When Ryan recalled the schedule, this was about the time Brendon was meant to be with his parents. Suddenly he felt the pressing need to comfort him, but they'd just discussed this. Brendon didn't want or need his pity. On the flip side, he had too much pride to ask for help even if he really needed it, and he wasn't emotionally expressive enough to show if he was hurting. So, a sticky situation. Ryan decided just to skirt around him from now on, try to make his life as easy as possible today, 'cause no doubt he'd already been criticized and ignored enough already.

He made his first mistake trying to lie about what business Gabe had here. Brendon immediately knew. C’mon, Ry. I’ll find out from Gabe anyway. Ryan shrugged innocently when he moved away, looking downward a little remorsefully. Surprisingly, Brendon was off to clean up some of Gabe's mess - maybe some of the Virgo Brendon was always complaining about had rubbed off on him. Ryan watched him silently before speaking again, voice just as soft. "Then find out from them," he answered, not as testily as it probably would've had this been a typical day. Today, though, he just sounded fairly flat, for no reason other than he really wasn't up to telling Brendon he was hopelessly in like with him quite yet. Maybe sometime when he hadn't just probably been chewed out by his parents, or when Ryan hadn't just been put on the stand by a half-stranger, now-3/4s-stranger.

Bailed on lunch with my parents, ditched the rest of my plans for today. So there it was. He nodded understandingly rather than chiding him on letting all his duties go incomplete, unfolding his hands from round his knee and letting it drop again. He figured he'd just finish everything for Brendon later. Any meetings could be picked up over the phone, all the calls he was supposed to make could be rescheduled, every bill he was supposed to pay - well, usually Ryan picked those up anyway. Besides, I added something new to do to the calendar. Ryan looked back up to ask, but Brendon's arms were wrapping round his neck daintily and he froze as Brendon leaned in close to his ear. Ryan Ready. He probably stopped breathing for a second. Ryan's fingers twitched in his lap, not sure how he was supposed to act here, and he shut his eyes tight when he realised Brendon was messing with his buttons as if he actually had plans.

"Brendon," Ryan said abruptly, suddenly urgent. He pulled off the arm thrown over his shoulder, turning in his seat until he was facing Brendon with his hands wrapped over the back. He paused then, suddenly unsure of every stupid school kid crush confession hanging on his lips, uncertain whether he wanted to tell the truth about Gabe coming here after all. He stared at Brendon with slightly wider eyes for a second, lips parted like he was preparing to speak, then quit on his brief moment of courage. "Um... it's cool, I'll, uh. I'll deal with everything you didn't get to, okay? You're okay, right?" On account of the whole lunch thing. He tilted his head as if to reveal the implication - then remembered Brendon's joke. Or maybe he was dead serious. Sometimes it was hard to tell. "And... I'm very on board with that change of schedule. Haven't seen you since yesterday afternoon." His mind drifted back to the morning text and he smiled fondly at the thought alone, smoothing down Brendon's collar carefully before letting his hand rest against his chest. "Are you saying you're all done today? I get you to myself?" He laughed lightly, figuring it was all cheesy to say out loud, but as long as they were both being forward.

[Neve]

It wasn’t like Brendon to be very sentimental, but he really had missed Ryan’s presence. It had been a free evening for them both, but Brendon could think of no professional excuse to invite him round- and it felt too cheap to just straight up get to the point. They never did. They avoided talking about it indirectly or through text- they always found excuses and it went on from there. This time, there wasn’t, and more than just company, Brendon wanted his specific company. In the past, it was whoever was easier to get a hold of, and though that was usually Ryan, he had no qualms with settling for someone else. Now, though, if it wasn’t Ryan, it was nobody at all. As much as it scared him, he couldn’t pretend he was completely detached, because he wasn’t. Still, he tried to keep those traces of actually caring deep inside, and more often than not, he was successful- many people had called him selfish, detached and callous in the past- but early in that morning, he’d caved. He sent a text on impulse then regretted it, turning off his phone, unwilling to face any reply.

It was embarrassing- either Ryan would think he was overstepping whatever shreds of professional boundaries they had left, and that would be mortifying, or Ryan would take it as some sort of confession and that scared him even more. So Brendon did what he did best and avoided it as best he could, unaware that it was the highlight of Ryan’s morning and it took him about fifteen minutes to formulate, write and send two one-line texts in response. By the time he got home at about 1pm, he’d been constantly on his phone, but still refused to open the text. If Ryan cared enough, he’d bring it up later, the next time Ryan was over at Brendon’s. On the way back, Brendon was hoping that would be tonight- so he was feeling very lucky when he found Ryan already there, like a miracle, an angel accompanied with a very questionable character- Gabriel. Funny. Gabe was usually the self-described ‘angel’, and to be fair to them, they were Brendon’s practical guardian. Brendon always told them to stop interfering so much, but without them, god knows what kind of state he’d be in.

Despite his constant appreciation for Gabe, he wasn’t really in the mood to deal with them right now, so he firmly kicked them out, other things on his mind besides keeping Gabe off his and Ryan’s back. Once they had left (not before dropping a few teasing quips), Brendon was still a little stressed, because of Ryan’s resignedness said anything, it was that Gabriel Carrasco really couldn’t keep their mouth shut and nose out of anything. Brendon was intent on figuring out exactly what words had been exchanged (to be fair, the conversation was probably one-way), and if Ryan wouldn’t talk, he would find out from Gabe himself. Or he’d just make him. Brendon was his boss, after all- he just didn’t feel like using a power play. There was enough of a fabricated social and financial imbalance between them to begin with. Then find out from them. Ryan’s voice sounded soft, apprehensive. Brendon, in turn, lowered his own voice to a gentle tone, though it was still persistent- he wasn’t about to give up.

”I’d rather hear it from you,” Brendon pressed, walking back from tidying away Gabe’s discarded glass. ”C’mon, Ryan. Don’t keep shit from me.” He tried to sound serious, and he was, but he could tell that whatever Gabe had said had shaken Ryan up a little- so there was concern, frustration and sympathy. ”Seriously, whatever they said- probably not true. I dunno. I’ll find out.” Though still intensely curious, Brendon dropped it, instead going off on a brief tangent about his stupid parents and the stupid lunch that he quickly bailed from in favour of sitting in a Starbucks for a half hour then heading back home, ignoring missed calls from his mother and father. His inheritance was looking pretty far away right now, admittedly, but Brendon couldn’t bring himself to care of caring meant he had to put up with his parents’ criticism for several hours and just nod along, pretend he was listening and taking the ‘advice’. He’d rather be cut off.

Frustrated quickly by even mentioning them, Brendon welcomed the distraction that Ryan’s presence brought, quickly abandoning all thoughts of familial troubles in favour of sidling up behind his long-suffering PA and wrapping his arms loosely around his neck. Wholly inappropriate- wholly normal by now. There was a promise in the way he played with the buttons of Ryan’s shirt, and he stifled a smirk when he literally heard Ryan stop breathing for a good three seconds before there was a slightly shaky exhale. Then, just as he was about to speak, Ryan turned around to face him, Brendon’s arms still thrown over his shoulders, their faces now close. Brendon avoided his gaze because he knew he’d melt. Brendon. He liked the way his name sounded coming from Ryan’s mouth, and bit his lip very briefly. ”What can I do for you, darlin’?” There he was thinking this would be exciting, but no. Um... it's cool, I'll, uh. I'll deal with everything you didn't get to, okay? You're okay, right? Brendon raised his eyebrows- whatever. He knew Ryan would sort it out- he was good at his job. Brendon trusted him to do that, at least. Anything else?

And... I'm very on board with that change of schedule. Haven't seen you since yesterday afternoon. Brendon found that ridiculously endearing- yesterday afternoon was less than 24 hours ago and Ryan behaved as if it had been weeks. Like the two of them would go that long. Brendon’s gaze moved down to follow Ryan’s hands as they smoothed over his collar and then rested against his chest. ”I thought you might be,” He said gently, glancing down quickly at Ryan’s mouth. Are you saying you’re all done today? I get you to myself? Brendon nodded, then made moves to climb over the back of his couch and sit very close to Ryan, facing him, planting a knee between Ryan’s legs and leaning forwards, hands curled up around his jaw. ”Yeah, I’m done. All to yourself. What’re you gonna do with all the time?” Brendon laughed, argued with himself for a moment about whether this was breaking his own personal rules, then discarded his internal debate aside and leaned in to catch him in a kiss.

[jakob]

I’d rather hear it from you. Brendon's voice was so suddenly soft, so gentle and reflective of his own tone, that Ryan was pretty much instantly convinced. He met his gaze carefully, unguarded, and decided that, yeah, it wasn't that big a deal. He could... summarize. It's not like he and Gabe had really delved into anything. C’mon, Ryan. Don’t keep shit from me. Oh, man. If that was the command, then Ryan would have a lot to say. He could read something genuine in Brendon's expression and it was sort of unsettling, not what Ryan was used to, so much so that he was a little speechless for the time being. As long as he wasn't keeping shit from Brendon, maybe now was the time to come clean about harboring an absurd crush on him for so long. Or actually apologise properly for being an asshole, this time without his typical startstopstart or stumbling otherwise, etc. There was plenty that he needed to get off his chest - but now wasn't the time, not when Brendon was clearly already off to a bad start.

Seriously, whatever they said- probably not true. I dunno. I’ll find out. Things Gabe said not being true could either be very good or very upsetting. First and foremost, they thought he came across as an asshole in stories, which was probably true considering, uh, Ryan tended to be like that. Then they'd said Brendon didn't trust him - not now, anyway - which also seemed fairly realistic. It'd be nice if that wasn't true, but Ryan had no reason to believe otherwise. What Ryan would love to be true, though, what was most crucial to him, was one of the last things Gabe had suggested: that Ryan was important to Brendon. The way he was talking now, all sweet and controlled and acting intimate as ever, it seemed almost believable or within the reach of believable. Ryan nodded listlessly at him, wondering at the back of his mind how often he crossed Brendon's thoughts or how prioritized he was in decisions Brendon made. Way too much fantasy, there. He set aside Brendon's pressing for now, knowing he'd probably break sooner or later before leaving.

Despite Ryan's slight panic for half a second, Brendon seemed not to register it, and in fact faced him with the most comforting look. He took painstaking measures not to look at Brendon's mouth 'cause then he'd get even more distracted, and ignored all the magnetism between them when he turned and ended up more close to Brendon than he'd expected. What can I do for you, darlin’? God. That just made Ryan's natural stammering worse. The next few lines didn't come out quite as smoothly as he'd have liked. He opted instead to land on the most lowkey flirting possible. I thought you might be. Ryan was predictable. He laughed a little, mostly at himself, and lifted one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug as if it removed any of the embarrassment from his inevitability.

In what he thought of as a saving grace, Brendon was maneuvering over the back of the couch moments later, and Ryan held onto his side all the while to maintain his balance. If Ryan was predictable in how easily he made himself available for Brendon, Brendon was pretty typical in these pointless grand gestures. A dramatic shift from his awkward countenance just minutes before, Ryan was grinning at him by the time he was sitting with him, a knee between his thighs and hands cradling his face. Ryan was practically having an out of body experience - except he really needed to be in the present for this very unique version of Brendon, so. He held it out for now. Yeah, I’m done. All to yourself. What’re you gonna do with all the time? Ryan physically couldn't bring himself to stop smiling. He brought a hand up to Brendon's jaw, only halfway mirroring his positioning, and shrugged again. "See if I can wear you out, probably. Never been done before," he answered with just a little hesitation, because as lame as it sounded in his head, he felt pretty lame saying it out loud. Yeah, he definitely wasn't as good at this as Brendon.

Unexpectedly, Brendon was leaning forward, and Ryan's smile faded by a fraction before he realized what was happening. Usually this wouldn't go so - well, calmly. He met Brendon's lips easily, the hand on his jaw slipping around to cup the back of his head, pull him closer. His chest felt tight, this indescribable pressure and flutter, and he knew the answer to Brendon's first question about what he and Gabe had been talking about was on his tongue but he really, really shouldn't be letting that one go right now. It was the worst possible time, he was sure. Ryan's knuckles absently brushed at the taper of Brendon's hair close to his neck while he pulled back slightly, keeping his eyes shut to avoid an even more excited heart. "Brendon," he murmured, tone honest, and curled his other hand around Brendon's shoulder. This was really bad timing. Whatever. "I - I'm sorry, that I was so... preachy, before. It's not my place, it never was. I don't know why I... I'm sorry, Bren." He'd probably thought that nickname before, safe in his head, and now was a pretty risky time to test it out loud. Fuck. Apparently he was on a roll in this series of bad decisions.

He figured Brendon's kisses - rare and far between as they were - weren't welcoming of gentle pauses like this, and rather were intended for quick escalation, though, so to try and make up for it, he bravely kissed him again, a chaste one before opening his eyes again. "I never wanted to be an asshole, or make you feel like I was judging you, or anything." He paused, trying to figure out a less direct way to tell Brendon 'you're important to me.' "It's just important to me that you know that, I guess. Bad timing, I know." He grinned, a little sideways, at the attempt to make up for his poor timing, and arched up somewhat from the cushions to try and draw Brendon's body closer to his.

[Neve]

Brendon didn’t like it when anybody held stuff from him or kept him in the dark- but when it was Ryan, somebody who he had already lost some trust in after building up so much, it was even worse. Gabe regularly went behind his back, but Brendon could tolerate that; Gabe usually knew best and did everything for his sake, whereas Ryan... maybe he also cared, but all Brendon could think about was the judgemental edge to his tone, the high-and-mighty stance he’d taken that morning after as if he was high above and far away from what had happened between them. Brendon didn’t usually care what people thought about him- if he did he’d barely go outside and show his face- but this was Ryan, a man who both worked for him and was moving up in the ranks of trusted people when he made that slip-up and Brendon’s faith came crumbling down. Not fully, obviously; they were still like this, still doing this, it had almost returned to normal save for even further increased wariness and unwillingness to open up fully. It had been a hard day anyway- the last thing he needed were more people joined against him, and the last two he expected to be conspiring about him were Gabe and Ryan (who had only met formally once).

Brendon was perturbed, sure, but not upset enough to kick Ryan out because he wanted him right now, liked him being close, felt comfort in the warmth he radiated from the skin under his shirt as he moved much closer and cradled Ryan’s jaw in his hands. There were a few quiet moments then, Brendon avoided Ryan’s gaze for fear of becoming completely enamoured and Ryan forcing himself not to let his eyes drift down to his lips. Therefore, Brendon blinked down at Ryan’s mouth, and Ryan sought out his eyes. It was a brief show of their different priorities- Brendon’s instinct for self-preservation, avoiding furthering that intimacy (which was immensely difficult, owing to the strong magnetism between them), and Ryan’s yearning for something more, something more serious, emotional. Brendon exhaled, blinked, attempted to convince himself that this was no different from last time, nothing had changed. Far from thinking about Gabe now, he decided he could push aside his exclusion from the conversation in favour of losing himself a little, leading the conversation away from anything tense and instead resorting to teasing.

See if I can wear you out, probably. Brendon laughed, both intruiged by the prospect and amused by the delivery. He hoped Ryan was serious. ”I’d be impressed,” Came his response, and he finally met his eyes for just a second, feeling himself melt a little inside. Stupid feelings. Brendon didn’t want them. Never been done before. Nodding in mock-sombre confirmation, he grinned then, leaning in closer as he spoke. ”You’ve come the closest.” Leaving that to sink in, he barely gave Ryan time to breathe before he leaned in despite all his common sense and met him in a rare kiss. Usually, Brendon tried to avoid it altogether, and if not, it was usually intended as a swift escalatory action. This could be seen as different- it was gentle, at least softer than usual, and Ryan responded almost instantly, equally as careful and tender. Brendon felt a kind of serenity settle over him that he wasn’t used to- if he wasn’t careful, he’d get lost, forget that it wasn’t supposed to go this way, and expose himself in less literal ways.

Brendon. There it was, his name from Ryan’s lips again. His heart fluttered unnaturally and he was sick with himself. He pulled back, slightly irritated- could whatever Ryan had to say not wait? I- I’m sorry, that I was so ... preachy, before. It’s not my place, it never was. I don’t know why I... I’m sorry, Bren. That was a lot to process- Brendon’s brief moments of peace were tarnished by the resurfacing if suppressed memories. Why couldn’t Ryan just let bygones be bygones? It seemed he was willing to before... Gabe. Brendon silently swore. What had that fucker stirred up this time? But... Bren. He liked that. It stopped him from snapping at Ryan for having awful timing. ”It’s okay,” Brendon offered, starting to lean in again because this was now being drawn out. The kiss he received was chaste and disappointing; Brendon was ready to tell him to just shut up about it, but Ryan was evidently on some kind of tangent of guilt. I never wanted to be an asshole, or make you feel like I was judging you, or anything.

Brendon paused, mulling it over. That was probably the first genuine, thought-about apology he’d received about the ‘incident’- and though it was long overdue, and the timing was awful, Brendon appreciated the sentiment. Until he realised this was likely all Gabe’s doing. Drawing back suddenly, dropping his hands down to rest on Ryan’s legs instead, he narrowed his eyes. ”What the fuck did Gabe say to you, Ryan?? Thank you for the apology, I know you didn’t fuckin’ mean to be an asshole, but I’m not an idiot.” There was an initial surge of annoyance, but it quickly faded, because he really just wanted to kiss him again, hard. Brendon went quiet, hesitating, wondering whether or not to wait for a response or just moved on. His natural impatience got the better of him in the end. It’s just important to me that you know that, I guess. Bad timing, I know.

Brendon bit his lip, nodding in acknowledgment. As Ryan drew him closer, Brendon slotted their legs together so they were tangled up and barely any space was between them- and Brendon said nothing, just rested one hand down at Ryan’s waist and the other curled loosely into his hair. ”I forgive you,” He began, then moved in and pressed his mouth against the side of Ryan’s neck, ”But you talk too much.” Finding his pulse and then moving down, Brendon moved the hand curled around Ryan’s waist up to single-handedly undo the first few buttons of his shirt, before pressing a kiss against his now-exposed collarbone, with clearly no intent of stopping and talking this over some more.

[jakob]

Ryan wasn't really aware of how it must seem when he didn't immediately cave and provide Brendon with all information that he had about his and Gabe's conversation - in fact, it seemed like a pretty small deal, because surely they couldn't have said anything that would be offensive to Brendon. Anyway, Ryan didn't really have anything necessarily to hide; he just really wasn't sure how to go about telling Brendon any of this without freaking him out. What was a frustrating ordeal to Brendon, being kept in the dark and all, was Ryan's idea of keeping him safe from an unneeded panic. And he was, of course, way too oblivious to catch on to anything otherwise. Brendon wasn't quite expressive enough for the message to get across, and it's not like he'd make his discomfort clear either way.

What was more important was trying to ease his nerves after what was no doubt a difficult day, help him relax, and the first order of business was to try and be bold. Brendon seemed to appreciate it despite how dumb he felt just making any suggestive comments, thankfully. I’d be impressed. Ryan tilted his chin up as Brendon leaned closer, smiling a little at the positive response. You’ve come the closest. Pretty much disarmed, Ryan stayed in his head with that one but struggled to be in the moment for their kiss, not wanting to miss something that barely happened - especially not so gently. He was gradually becoming more optimistic about their situation, because everything Brendon said seemed to be coming closer to something a boyfriend might say to him in the mornings or after a kiss or in other tiny, vaguely intimate moments, and Ryan had a rampant imagination. And this kiss. For the first time in a long time, Ryan felt cared for, like he'd actually attracted someone's fondness. It was kind of silly, but he was endlessly sensitive.

It couldn't happen without the weight on his chest being lifted, though (at least not in Ryan's mind), so he was fairly quick to press pause on their moment, apologising for things mostly in the past now. Even if it wasn't a current issue, what if it was still on Brendon's mind, too? Never too late to correct a mistake, especially one as big as this. Oddly enough, Ryan was pretty sure this probably wouldn't be the last time he disappointed Brendon (and maybe that was an invitation for Gabe to stop by, too, in the future. So, bad news and good news). It’s okay. That was surprisingly calm, for Brendon. And easy. Maybe the contact had warmed him up to Ryan saying anything at all... actually, he might just be saving his actual thoughts on the subject for a time where he wasn't close to being on top of Ryan. Whatever the case may be, Ryan instantly felt kind of better, glad he hadn't prompted any snapping.

He thought he was unbelievably lucky, but then it happened. His relieved expression reverted back to the typical kicked puppy look when Brendon backed off again, hands removed and replaced at his lap. What the fuck did Gabe say to you, Ryan? Thank you for the apology, I know you didn’t fuckin’ mean to be an asshole, but I’m not an idiot. His new optimistic side told him that it was at least good Brendon knew he would never intentionally act maliciously towards him, but still. This was a pretty fucked apology. He'd of course always wanted to say it by his own accord, and Gabe's confrontation was what gave him the courage. Letting Brendon think it only happened because he got yelled at, or whatever - that just sounded like another asshole move. "They said I broke your trust," he said hesitantly, trying to meet Brendon's gaze so he knew he was genuine. "And I would never want to do that. I never meant to." Obviously. But he still wanted to say it.

Brendon's withdrawn touch returned at his waist and his hair, and Ryan's chest dropped as he exhaled in not quite relief, but a return to a slightly more comfortable state, maybe. I forgive you. That meant way more to Ryan right now than anything else in the world. Ryan smiled at him, elated, but it faded a second later, pacified by Brendon's mouth on his neck. But you talk too much. He nodded rushedly, because that was too unfortunately true, and murmured the smallest 'thank you' in response to Brendon's granted forgiveness. He became self-conscious as Brendon worked at his buttons, not really because of his appearance or anything he'd usually worry about but more at the rapid rise and fall of his chest, that affected by Brendon - and they'd only kissed thus far. Too easy. Unable to do much other than stare in some state like awe as Brendon pressed kisses against his collarbone, he idly traced his fingertips along the side of Brendon's face, studying the perfect features he'd by now mentally mapped out.

"And," Ryan murmured suddenly, his voice soft because he didn't want to sound urgent enough to stop Brendon - and he was kind of embarrassed that his filter disappeared, the whole 'overly talkative' thing getting worse by the moment. "And - we agreed, you deserve so much more than I think you realize. You're worth so, so much, Bren." There it was again. One could argue Brendon had all the confidence he'd ever need, and some smart remark like 'I've got over a million dollars' net worth, yeah' would brush all of this away, but Ryan just needed to share the sentiment. As long as Brendon heard it, it didn't matter how he responded. He wasn't sure why it felt like such a pressing matter to say this stuff now, but if Brendon wanted to know what happened, then Ryan wasn't going to tell him he knew things he only meant for his best friend to know - then he'd probably be in trouble with Gabe. This was enough for now, and following his second tangent he carefully shifted his hand to the back of Brendon's head to try and draw him back up for a punctuating kiss.

[Neve]

It was true that Brendon tended to hold things with him, maintain grudges deep down while acting relatively normal and civil on the surface. That was what he had done with Ryan- though that morning when Ryan made it clear exactly what he thought of him was in the past, now, and Brendon had seemingly moved on, the break of trust that usually took so long to build up hadn’t fully healed and there was a scar under the surface where Brendon wasn’t quite willing to allow himself to open up to someone again. That said, he hadn’t really opened up at all- he’d admitted on the night that yeah, he was lonely, and yeah, he wanted Ryan to come over. But he hadn’t said much else- all trust and closeness Brendon felt was internal, and he tried not to betray it for fear of being vulnerable. So, the next morning he was on the defensive, spitting out venemous words and informing Ryan that it had all been meaningless, physical, out of boredom and want less than actual mutual affection. It was, in Ryan’s words, a caricature of intimacy. Brendon had played stuff like this off his entire life- almost upsettingly, it had been just as easy to let Ryan down hard as it had for everybody else who grew too attached for their own good.

Using that, Brendon told himself it had really just been another one-time thing, but then once they’d closed the open, more obvious wounds, it became a two-time thing, then a three-time thing, and suddenly it was a regular occurrence, whenever they had time, whenever Ryan came over in the evening and Brendon decided his working hours were over for the day. He had broken a consistent rule, so he bent the rules for himself, something he was used to doing- and suddenly, the ‘casual affair’ was fine, no strings were attached as far as Brendon was concerned, they were just compatible in that way and it kind of made sense. What was stopping them? Sure, Ryan tended to get distracted when he should be doing work sometimes, but Brendon didn’t really care. If it became that bad, he’d probably just hire a second assistant- and maybe not sleep with that one. Either way, for a while, they were seemingly fine, but uneasy under the surface- Ryan still genuinely liked him, and Brendon had handily shut that knowledge somewhere in his mind so he couldn’t find it. There were unspoken words between them and Brendon still felt the silvery line of invisible scars where Ryan had kind of stabbed him in the back, acting as if he was non-judgemental of Brendon’s behaviour, then ripping into him about it and telling him he was dillusioned and cold.

So, it hadn’t just gone away- they were just good at avoiding uncomfortable conversations by spending much of their time in Brendon’s bedroom, and elsewhere. It was causing disruption and uneasiness, especially now that Brendon knew Gabe and Ryan were conspiring against him again, somehow, and Ryan apparently didn’t want to betray exactly what had been discussed. At first, anyway. After Brendon spending a few minutes trying to convince him, he reluctantly betrayed the conversation topic- They said I broke your trust- and Brendon wasn’t sure whether to be exasperated or grateful that Gabe had interfered yet again with his life. The apology seemed a little poorly timed, as if he’d only thought to do it once Gabe likely gave him an earful and a more than slightly threatening forewarning. ”Oh,” Brendon had mused, reflecting, still backed off and studying his assistant critically. And I would never want to do that. I never meant to.

Brendon knew that. But this was a lot to take in for someone who very rarely even had such emotional discussions about trust and intention. Brendon only knew about impulses and actions. It was a touchy subject for him, and though he was now sure he was grateful that Ryan at least had the guts to address it, he wasn’t having fun interrupting what had been the leadup to their favourite frequent pastime. So, he said nothing, just blinked peacefully and then leaned in again to finish what he had started, attaching his mouth gently to his neck. His hands were searching and confident, curling around his side and into his hair, then working idly on his buttons, taking advantage of the fact they had all the time in the world. Even better, Ryan was actually staying quiet for once, and Brendon felt eyes on him even as he simply closed his eyes and landed sure kisses against his collarbone , leading in towards his sternum. His hands had moved, one hanging in the opening of his shirt, the other tracing down his neck to his opposite collar, mapping out his skin.

And. Brendon stilled, moving back and holding in a sigh, eyes opening reluctantly. There Ryan went again, apparently incapable of staying at all quiet for more than five seconds. And Brendon thought he was the one who couldn’t stay still or shut up. And- we agreed, you deserve so much more than I think you realise. You’re worth so, so much, Bren. Okay- that was sweet- even if he felt dangerously close to saying something smart, like... ”Multi-millionaire, actually,” He mentioned, grinning, staying engaged but also continuing down the buttons of Ryan’s shirt almost subconsciously. ”No, I- Thank you. It means a lot, considering I fuckin’- usually I get compared to my siblings, or my dad, and it sucks. I can never be just Brendon. I’m Brendon Boyd Blake. My family defines who I am, and that name is all people ever care about. It doesn’t usually bother me, just-“ Brendon paused, looking up finally once he’d reached the last of Ryan’s buttons, meeting his eyes and trying not be drawn up immediately into a kiss. ”I don’t want to be like him, but I don’t want to be a failure. And what you said- that I lacked compassion, and that I was reckless and unsafe- I felt like a mixture of both.”

He went quiet for a minute. That was probably the most he’d talked about himself without making a joke, ever. Almost impressed with himself, and feeling like a weight was lifted from his shoulders, he exhaled just in time for Ryan to draw him back into another kiss, readily accepting it and also moving his hands to Ryan’s shoulders to slide the shirt off his arms.

[jakob]

Ryan could only kind of understand Brendon's trust issues - and resulting inability to really become vulnerable at all - but not fully. He could just barely empathize. When he was younger, the conditions at home made him wary of the outside world, too, and he was thankfully young enough when he met Spencer that it hadn't made so huge of a lifelong impression. Brendon, though, grew up with disapproval, and his parents didn't trust him or show as much love as he needed, so why should he have developed those abilities? There was no example to live by. So, Ryan got it, mostly, but he still became impatient with him for things completely out of his control. It wasn't fair, not at all, but Ryan figured there had to be someone to break this destructive cycle, and he was just assertive enough (or at least had his moments of boldness) that he could take that role. When he realized Brendon hadn't expressed anything genuine since he met him, he was quick to call him on it, and when he could count Brendon's true friends on one hand, he made an effort to broaden his horizons, make him more open.

Of course, there were no morals in trying to change someone, especially not for your own gain. Ryan considered that, that maybe he should leave Brendon as is, but he knew there were times that his emotional shortcomings and the neglect that must've been the root of it all, got to him. So it was less 'fixing' any aspect of his personality - it was trying to heal a wound that'd been open for a hell of a long time, and it got bigger the more distance Brendon allowed himself. But when you were the subject of that kind of effort, it probably didn't look like a good cause. Ryan couldn't explain it without sounding like he pitied him, or whatever, when really it was just a sort of relation to the circumstances (and of course the care for Brendon he was trying to get over for the sake of professionalism) that fueled him. And pity was the last thing Brendon wanted, alongside the attempts to break his shell or try to evoke a reaction at all. After all, Brendon certainly wasn't heartless, but his heart definitely hurt.

Or, you know. Ryan was entirely wrong and he just assumed too much, which he'd been learning was pretty typical of him. Maybe he was projecting onto Brendon 'cause he couldn't find much else to relate to, they were so different. That, too, sounded very likely. So - he just waited (and waited and waited and waited) to hear Brendon's testimony on the matter, if he'd ever come out with it, or until he realized that there might not be any reason or backstory for all of it. Oh. Ryan pursed his lips, knowing it hadn't come out right. He nearly tacked on a 'I've wanted to say that for a while,' but it didn't sound like a very genuine sentiment, it was so unprompted. Either way, Brendon was leaning back into him, more peaceful than before; with gentler touches than Ryan had ever remembered coming from him. If Brendon wasn't used to the emotional part of a close relationship, Ryan definitely wasn't used to the physical, and his reaction was a little bit ridiculous.

Multi-millionaire, actually. Ryan had expected that, so he smiled, albeit sheepishly. When he continued Ryan glanced down at his still busy hands, wondering if his mind would ever stop racing 'cause he would like to get used to this, thanks. No, I- Thank you. It means a lot, considering I fuckin’- usually I get compared to my siblings, or my dad, and it sucks. Ryan looked at him very seriously, trying not to be too dramatic about his reactions, because if he freaked him out now he'd probably back out of talking. I can never be just Brendon. I’m Brendon Boyd Blake. My family defines who I am, and that name is all people ever care about. It doesn’t usually bother me, just- Ryan nodded fast when he stopped, trying to reassure him. He understood - although he'd never thought of the name that way before. Everything was connected to the same people who didn't try hard enough. I don’t want to be like him, but I don’t want to be a failure. He wasn't. He really wasn't, and Ryan searched his face to make sure that was genuine, but his voice said it all. He felt a tug in his chest, wishing he could change how he felt.

And what you said- that I lacked compassion, and that I was reckless and unsafe- I felt like a mixture of both. Ryan stayed quiet with him, meeting his gaze and holding it, and then when he drew him in he couldn't stop smoothing his hands down Brendon's back, or the nape of his neck, trying to be as comforting as he could or make him feel secure. But he couldn't really get out apologies when they were kissing each other breathless, or when he could feel his shirt lifting off his shoulder, and he both mourned the quick shift from the moment previous and enthused over them being gentle again. "I didn't mean it," he murmured between breaks, lifting his hand from the sleeve and replacing it at the back of Brendon's neck. "I know you. It wasn't right, Bren." This was less disruptive, and more of gentle words close to his ear, trying to communicate that he wasn't like his father or a failure as subtly as possible. "Thank you - for telling me."

[Neve]

Though Brendon certainly didn’t love Ryan, or had any intention of actually being in a relationship with him, he felt drawn to him- for multiple reasons. First of all, they were physically compatible and Brendon was, for once, pretty sure that he had a type. Even if he usually wasn’t fussy, he found Ryan incredibly handsome, and that was one of the reasons this intended one night stand had extended to a multiple month stand. Neither of them saw any reason to stop- or they did, but decided that the positive massively outweighed any potential negatives. Second of all, they got along, very well, and for once, upon meeting someone he found attractive, Brendon hadn’t immediately tried to take it to another level before even having a full conversation- they had been friends first, grown close over a relatively short period of time, but still close. In fact, Brendon had counted and still did count Ryan as one of his closest friends- his best friend, in fact, though he’d never tell Gabe. Gabe was a guardian angel, but was even more of a glorified babysitter than Ryan was. Both of those reasons meant that Brendon was inexplicably drawn to Ryan, but seeing as Ryan actually romantically liked him, wanted to date him, it caused confusion.

They understood eachother, but in contradiction, miscommunicated often- so Gabe often stepped in as the mediator, less for Ryan’s sake (he tended to be dumb and not think things fully though before saying or doing something) and more for the sake of Brendon, who was arguably more vulnerable- a man who had it all but couldn’t make sense of anybody’s feelings. Especially when the feelings were directed towards him. He understood little in the ways of romance beyond physical relationships, and he didn’t intend to learn otherwise; he enjoyed his lifestyle, surface-level, engaging with long strings of one-time lovers. Variety was the spice of life, was his excuse- even though in the past months, Brendon had been spending little time with others than Ryan, and further in, they were unofficially exclusive simply due to the fact that neither of them had any interest in anyone else. Brendon, if asked, would have just said that this arrangement was easier, given some bullshit excuse- but he enjoyed Ryan’s company, in every sense. It was difficult for him to admit something so relatively monumental.

In fact, he preferred not to think ahout it. He preferred not to think at all, after days like these where his parents drove him to the edge and he was stressed and wound up enough to drop all of his plans and tasks for the rest of the day. Ryan had already assured him that they could be taken care of, so Brendon’s priorities could safely switch elsewhere- and Ryan was by now something of a stress reliever, and perhaps better, he was a great listener. Even if he contradicted that by talking way too much at the wrong time. Like now- though he knew that Ryan meant well, he definitely had terrible timing, and Brendon chose to limit his responses and instead focus on kissing him. Or at least, he tried to, but some things that Ryan said got under his skin and started his brain off and broke down his filter. Almost comically, he expressed his worry and doubts as he continued to make swift work of the buttons on Ryan’s shift, an expert by now at ridding Ryan of such garments because he apparently didn’t know how to do it himself.

Right after opening up more than he was used to, and feeling slightly nervous, Ryan drew him in without hesitating and joined him in a kiss, and Brendon was glad for the momentary silence, the peace that came with the unusually gentle kiss- one that might seem like a kiss shared by lifelong lovers, if an observer didn’t know any better. Brendon shivered under his touch as he kissed him leisurely, hands moving up across his chest towards his shoulders, sliding the shirt almost completely off when Ryan started to speak breathlessly between the breaks of their empassioned kiss. I didn’t mean it. Brendon just nodded hastily in acknowledgment watching as Ryan removed a hand from his sleeve and replaced it at the back of his neck. I know you. It wasn't right, Bren. Brendon smiled despite himself at the nickname, even if he thought such a fond moniker was too intimate for their situation. He loved it anyway- to Ryan, he was B, or Bren, or even Bden, and he never complained.

Thank you - for telling me. Ryan’s voice was low and gentle and Brendon shrugged one shoulder as if it wasn’t a big deal, but it was, and he felt vulnerable, even if he wasn’t the one who wasn’t wearing a shirt. ”It’s okay. Just- everything’s getting to me, and that- it was on my mind, constantly.” Brendon shook his head free of thoughts and pulled the shirt completely off Ryan, then, dropping it on the floor beside the couch, and rested both of his hands comfortable on Ryan’s shoulders, before sliding them down slowly to his waist and the waistband of his jeans, mapping out the familiar angles and bone and skin of Ryan’s chest. Brendon looked fully involved in what he was doing, but silently coaxed Ryan on to return the favour so he wouldn’t have to do it for once. ”You know, one of these days you’re gonna have to learn to take a shirt off,” He mumbled, smiling anyway, pressing his mouth against the side of Ryan’s and trailing off towards his cheekbone again. ”...You’re so damn pretty. It’s becoming an issue for me, you know.”

[jakob]

Their situation was always, always nice, in the moment. Ryan was always happy with Brendon, comfortable and relieved - and then sometimes he made the mistake of looking back or reflecting too heavily on them. They were physically intimate, only sometimes vaguely romantic and it was always subtextual, never discussed, but the heartwrenching piece was how much of Ryan's imagination was involved. It was almost unfair to Brendon, the level at which he romanticized the two of them; if they were kissing, it was more to him than just that, and when he had to get up and go once they'd calmed down it felt unnatural to return to his own apartment. Ryan knew what they really were, he knew their situation and how comfortable Brendon was with how things went - and yet he kept up maintaining this fantasy that they were 'together' to any extent.

It sounds sad, really, but those were just the facts; some moments, though, it became easier to play out his imagination without it seeming too far-fetched. Unfortunately still unfair to Brendon no matter how he went about it, though. Brendon was looking for a personal assistant (or at least his father was) and he'd ended up with this pining companion, way too obvious about it all. Then, sometimes, it was like they balanced out, and both of them were on the same page. Like now: Brendon had suddenly actually opened up to him, and had been gentle all throughout, not to mention the fact that Gabe had even admitted he saw Brendon differently from everyone else. At times like this Ryan thought maybe they weren't so out of sync, like maybe he wasn't so crazy for seeing something between them.

But realistically he pretty much was. So he kept quiet. It's not like it was something that wouldn't pass. It’s okay. Just- everything’s getting to me, and that- it was on my mind, constantly. Ryan nodded intently, waiting for more because this was such a rare moment for Brendon, he never, ever opened up anything, but it never came. Instead he lifted his arms as his shirt came free, torn between trying to keep him talking and going along with what they'd escalated to. Seemed like he couldn't really manage both. Brendon was shaking his head like it was all behind him and Ryan pursed his lips, knowing he couldn't get away with pressing but staying mostly still anyway. That was another thing - he tended to get a little too caught up in everything but the real part of their relationship, which, right now, was calling for his input. Ryan appeared a little too preoccupied to actually act much.

Instead he shivered at every touch, eyes glued to Brendon while his hands moved expertly over skin he likely already knew all too well. You know, one of these days you’re gonna have to learn to take a shirt off. Brendon didn't seem actually bothered but Ryan still got self-conscious suddenly, realising he'd definitely not been putting in the same amount of effort, and grinned sheepishly against Brendon's lips. He slipped his hand up beneath his shirt immediately, glad he'd gone for casual rather than the full suit today, urging the fabric up to his sternum and splaying his hands over Brendon's chest. "Sorry. You're distracting." He started teasing Brendon's shirt up further, laughing gently while he tried prompting him to lift his arms.

Ryan was practically incapable of anything when the unheard of soft kisses drifted to his cheekbone, letting them trail until the last moment when he turned to catch Brendon's lips again, fighting a smile. ...You’re so damn pretty. It’s becoming an issue for me, you know. "I am?" Ryan asked incredulously - very smooth. It was just the first thing he blurted out, since his dumb brain tended to focus on being self-deprecating, whatever. The thing was, Brendon was about the most handsome person he'd ever seen, practically princely, and he knew he wouldn't be able to say it out loud without sounding like he was... serious about all this, or something. He skipped over all that, tried again. "An issue. How so? Feel free to do whatever you want about it." Ryan lifted his chin slightly, bold - somewhat forced boldness, but still.

[jakob]

/

[Neve]

The two of them were almost tragically in tune, in most ways. Physically, they were compatible, were together like that enough to be familiar and comfortable with eachother’s body, speaking the same silent language as fluently as lovers did. They had complimenting personalities and senses of humour- one more muted and unassuming, one cantankerous and and forceful, both were stubborn, Ryan was dry and sarcastic and sometimes even had a mean streak, while Brendon was inappropriate and outspoken and thrives off the attention of acting out. Both of them had an equal amount of flaws, came from very different backgrounds and lived very different lives, but they were best friends, as well as the two halves of an empassioned casual affair that was only casual one-way. The one way they weren’t really in tune was emotionally. Both struggled to express it most of the time- Ryan choked up on the only words he ever meant, Brendon flat out refused to discuss his own feelings- so there was an element of constant miscommunication and misinterpretation that made things difficult at the best of times.

But for Brendon, it was worth it. Here he had a close friend that he had learned (and could learn again) to trust, that he could talk to easily without trying to hard or too little, that he could even vent to about the plights of being rich and famous if he so chose to. Best of all, to Brendon, they were intimately involved, and that was not only the icing on the cake, but for him at the time, it was most of the ingredients. He remembered Ryan implying that he wanted more, that he felt more strongly about Brendon than vice versa, but he chose to ignore it, as he had with most problems throughout his entire life. Instead, he carried on as they did, only really talking about it to Gabe, who had apparently straight up stabbed him in the back and gone running to Ryan about it, saying that Brendon didn’t trust ryan and god knows what else. It was true, obviously, but Gabe shouldn’t say it.

No matter- they could discuss whatever bullshit Gabe had said later on. Right then, Brendon had other matters on his mind, and that was getting out of his mind. But it was unprecedentedly difficult, because Brendon’s mind was swimming with thoughts of trust and bonds and the possibility of genuine romantic affection. It was mostly subconscious, lurking at the back of his mind, but enough to distract him, and even mellow him out to be much gentler than he usually would- kissing gently when he’d usually have been undressed by now, all soft touches and uncharacteristic calmness. It was nice, he thought distantly. It was something he could theoretically get used to. Still, there was only so much of that he could cope with- Brendon was impatient to the bone. Sorry. You’re distracting. Ryan thankfully caught on, and Brendon bit onto his bottom lip just as his hands slipped up his shirt. Brendon crossed his arms over to take hold of the sides of his shirt and pulled it over his head, dropping it over the back of the couch and leaning forwards, resting his hands on his waist and smoothing them upwards across Ryan’s skin, resting on his shoulders and then wrapping around his neck as he shifted forwards to get more involved.

I am? Brendon nodded faintly, pulling back just a little to study him and then leaning in to his ear. ”More then you know.” An issue. How so? Feel free to do whatever you want about it. Brendon grinned. ”I intend to,” He replied, eyebrows raising. He then did his usual, pressed his weight down against him, moving one hand to fist into Ryan’s hair, accelerated from their brief moments of softness. He caught his mouth in a more urgent kiss, free hand joining the other in his hair briefly then trailing down back towards his waist. Brendon only pulled away to breathe, looking at him from under his eyelashes. ”I’m so glad I met you, and I’m so glad we decided to do this.” That comment was weighted, and when he realised he’d put more feeling behind it than he intended, Brendon paused.

”I- I’m sorry I treat you like shit sometimes. Don’t argue, I know I do,” He started, talking quietly, but with a rough edge to his voice because honestly he wanted to get back to what he was doing. He didn’t have very good timing himself. ”Nobody’s ever been as nice to me, as genuine with me as you have. Even Gabe is flaky. You’re... dependable.” There was a beat. ”I do care about you, even if I don’t show it very well. And you’re very handsome.” He smiled, relaxed for once in his life, and leaned back in to catch him in a kiss, this time with one hand holding firmly onto his upper arm and the other moving down to hook his fingers very inconspicuously under the waistband. ”Before we go to the point of no return- would you rather stay here, or go somewhere else..?”