Name: Gonad Yaksplitter
Titles: The All-Slayer, Beardlord of the South, The Lord of the Rising Sun
Age: In his thirties
Height: 7'2"
Weight: 484 pounds
Boxing Reach: 92"
Shoe Size: 24
Race: Human
Eye Color: Amber
Weapons and Equipment-
-His body.
-A yak hide loincloth secured by a yak leather belt with a brass buckle in the shape of a yak skull.
-A tough cloak made from the pelt of an albino yak.
Appearance- Silhouetted against the burning passions of war a figure stands tall, his shadow all-encompassing. His physique is as definitive as the gory victories his gruesome hands secure. Woven into his beard is a tapestry of blood, proclaiming the legendary tales of the countless scars adorning the sacred weapon known as Gonad, and weapon he is, heated and hammered in the unquenchable fires of battle.
According to legend his coming is heralded by the rising sun, bringing the hope of dawn to the righteous, and with his going comes sunset, casting the wicked and their works into the oblivion of night.
Pure unadulterated muscle. Lean muscle that ripples under his flesh like the waves of the ocean. He has muscles on his muscles. Feet Muscles. Finger muscles. Gooch muscles. A grisly body resembling tanned granite that might as well have been sculpted by the gods. Bulging veins, thick and course. Tendons that play beneath his flesh like piano wires. Hands that seize like bear traps. All of his digits are tipped with rugged nails honed into calloused claws from decades of gouging and climbing. His Long, sinewy limbs are crafted for naught but the deliverance of phenomenal destruction. His enormous yet supple frame moves with a primal grace, the likes of which is comparable only to the untamed beasts of the wild.
His body is riddled with the innumerable wounds left by his combative livelihood. There are hundreds upon hundreds. Where the scars do not cover his body, coarse manly hair, thick and strong like steel wool, does. The clenching of his glutes creates a coconut-crushing power vacuum that leaves the morally bankrupt breathless with fear and anticipation.
It is said that the mythic echoes of his roar reverberate throughout the female spectrum, causing premature birth as well as a new breed of insatiable lust the likes of which have been known to make married women of questionable fortitude collapse in orgasmic fervor.
Adorning a jawline chiseled from the dynamited cliffs of simian masculinity, his great, iron beard is speckled with the blood and bone flakes of his foes, flowing down his freakishly striated chest in thick, oily waves reminiscent of the River Styx. From it emanates the very stench of death and graverot, every bit as inescapable as his piercing glare, for within his single eye resides an undying ember smoldering hotter than the arse-winds of Satan himself.
Personality- What attributes the primal organism known as "Gonad" bears are no different than the attributes of mother nature herself. Blood-tinged Westerlies carving jagged sluices along the tepid surface of a great and mysterious ocean, whose calm demeanor belies a vast and terrible capability. The wisdom of towering snow-capped mountains, whose interminable experience has been honed over countless millennia of wear and tear. The trepid balance between predator and prey, animal and man, intermingling to form a singular amalgamation of virile life. And yet, he maintains a feature apart from nature. Self-awareness.
He lives only for pushing the boundaries of human strength and spirit, forcing himself beyond the utmost limit in extreme combat. He fears not death, nor pain, nor loss, for it is from these things that the vigor and strength of true manhood and honor spring. He revels in pain, luxuriates in death, and draws resolve from loss. He never will engage in dishonorable practices such as deception, and will not tolerate an unfair fight. Though he may oftentimes appear a comical fool, Gonad is truly just a simple man who very rarely premeditates an action, instead acting from the heart and without hesitation, following only the voice of his soul.
He enjoys agony and difficulty and carries upon his shoulders the full weight of his village's pride and prosperity. He represents the very hope of his people and the will of his ancestors, as for Gonad to fall in battle is for his village to fall into despair. Without him the isolated civilization that is his family would surely perish along with everything they've ever worked for and dreamed of.
To him, shame and fear are emotions that no longer exist. With adversity drilled into the very core of his being, through unimaginable effort he shaped his mind into an unbreechable iron hull filled with undepletable reserves of determination, that he may carry his loved ones into the light of the future.
Abilities/Skills- Revered by his village as the greatest warrior to have ever lived, Gonad boasts tremendous dynamic and static strength and is capable of overpowering virtually any foe near his size. His basic strength is roughly equivalent to that of a grizzly bear, his speed that of Bruce Lee crossed with Usain Bolt. Above all else the strength in his hands is legendary, and so far no foe, living or dead, has succeeded in breaking his grip. He fights through experience and instinct, capable of reacting to attacks through muscle memory before he consciously registers them. In conjunction with his body reading skills, on par with world class professional fighters, this makes Gonad an extraordinarily difficult opponent to surprise.
He withholds a vast array of rare and lethal wisdom and is said to know of over one-thousand ways to kill with his bare hands. The secret Yaksplitter technique from which his family name was derived can even induce commotio cordis in any organism with a heartbeat, though specific applied conditions must be met for him to pull off the difficult move. What's more, Gonad is the supreme master of his own body and can control its functions at will. He uses the full potential of his musculatory system, is able to constrict blood vessels to keep from losing fluids, and can transmit senses other than sight through his visual cortex, along with every other kind of mind over body feat possible. If it's in 'Ripley's Believe It or Not' or 'Guinness World Records', Gonad can do it, and in the case of strongman world records, casually break them.
He can crack the skull of an average man in his grip, snap femurs in two between his hands, and break a bodybuilder's back over his knee. With a simple kick he can simulate the ballistics of a low speed auto collision, and he can kill most humans with a single punch. His kinesthetics are matched only by his anatomical expertise, so much so that with a different mindset he might have found profession as a surgeon. Through bodily contact he can feel the tiniest shifts in an opponent's weight and balance or measure their vitals with extreme accuracy. He has grasped every technique known to martial arts and then some, brandishing a fundamental comprehension for harm that has allowed him to conquer opponents that should have been impossible for a mere mortal to face.
The most formidable and world-weary of warriors are as mere playthings to him, to such an extent that Gonad rarely needs to actually hurt or even fight his enemies to subdue them, more often than not deflating their will before the battle even begins with his strength of disposition, fatherly aura, and crude antics.
As a 'Beardlord' Gonad is the physical embodiment of the platonic ideal of masculinity, and thus is timeless and can visit any plane of reality bound by natural law. This does not make him immortal or unstoppable, rather, it complements his existence as a human who has reached their full potential by allowing him to be where he needs to be to do what he needs to do, when he needs to do it. This does not serve as a mode of transportation but as an unperceived state of being. He cannot teleport or time travel.
Simply put, the possibility of him traversing other realms becomes an actuality so long as he is unopposed and unobserved, free to exist as a singularity wherever there's evil to slay or beer to chug.
Any friend or foe who seeks Gonad out is certain to find him sooner or later, for will given direction cinches tight the drawstrings of fate, and what is to be always comes to pass.
¤Special Ability¤
Gonad is a grandmaster of the berserker arts and has an effectively limitless tolerance for pain. This by itself provides him a psychological edge over most opponents, as he can maintain his composure even when terribly wounded. Should he be pushed too far though, if peace is impossible and his survival unlikely, as a last resort he can just as expected, go berserk.
This is a hateful and horrific transformation that Gonad won't call upon lightly, for it constitutes no less than the summoning of a great calamity. His humanity dissolves into a seething black animus of murderous wrath so intense that most foes find themselves rooted to the ground in abject terror, pissing themselves before the end.
The merry soul of Gonad turns inside-out and a monster blossoms from the crimson viscera of his id, a ghastly butcher that might as well have surged up from most remote fathoms of Hell. Few beings have ever witnessed the Berserkergang and survived, and none who have stood before it still live.
It's a machine-like state where all mental functions unnecessary for violence are stripped away, until Gonad collapses from exhaustion or dies. He cannot differentiate friend from foe and will seek to vanquish any living thing in sight as quickly and efficiently as possible, without any other regards. His unceasing flow-state assault is unrivaled in its savagery, with Gonad channeling what could almost be considered a higher power. His enemies are transfigured into modern art in motion as his capacity for violence reaches an abstract level.
He becomes a completed warrior of perfect mortal skill who heeds not fear nor pain, neither takes nor gives quarter, against whom a single mistake spells a swift and ugly death.
The transformation is triggered when he enters a special trance which alters both his physiology and his mind. When he initiates the Berserkergang, after a few moments of physical acclimation, Gonad fully crosses the barrier of a superhuman to perform at approximately twice his normal capacity as a baseline.
When combined with the ability to create self induced hyposthenia within his body, bringing his muscles to the ultimate point of relaxation, Gonad can then contract them with the greatest amount of force that he can possibly muster. At the cost of generating such speed and strength that his muscles may tear themselves free from his very bones, which in turn may shatter from the overwhelming might of his own blows, Gonad can unleash annihilating attacks of such immensity that any mortal entity on the receiving end is liable to be gruesomely maimed if not killed outright. He can only realize his maximum output briefly, his speed and strength spiking to 2.5x before the bodyparts most associated with the exertion sustain critical, crippling damage.
Going berserk increases Gonad's offence at the cost of his defense. His blood flows much faster (hastening potential blood loss), he becomes wholly relentless, and his attacks are just as likely to inflict damage to himself as to the opponent due to the physical strain. The increased metabolism results in him expending his energy much faster as well.
The Berserkergang lasts for a maximum of one hour assuming he sustains no injuries. Gonad will refuse to use it near allies or in populated areas. Once it has expired he will pass out and become physically incapable of independent motion for the next 24 hours. Depending on how much he exerted himself he might require medical attention and would likely need ample time for recovery, thus rendering him vulnerable and unable to effectively defend himself for weeks or months afterwards.
This is a hateful and horrific transformation that Gonad won't call upon lightly, for it constitutes no less than the summoning of a great calamity. His humanity dissolves into a seething black animus of murderous wrath so intense that most foes find themselves rooted to the ground in abject terror, pissing themselves before the end.
The merry soul of Gonad turns inside-out and a monster blossoms from the crimson viscera of his id, a ghastly butcher that might as well have surged up from most remote fathoms of Hell. Few beings have ever witnessed the Berserkergang and survived, and none who have stood before it still live.
It's a machine-like state where all mental functions unnecessary for violence are stripped away, until Gonad collapses from exhaustion or dies. He cannot differentiate friend from foe and will seek to vanquish any living thing in sight as quickly and efficiently as possible, without any other regards. His unceasing flow-state assault is unrivaled in its savagery, with Gonad channeling what could almost be considered a higher power. His enemies are transfigured into modern art in motion as his capacity for violence reaches an abstract level.
He becomes a completed warrior of perfect mortal skill who heeds not fear nor pain, neither takes nor gives quarter, against whom a single mistake spells a swift and ugly death.
The transformation is triggered when he enters a special trance which alters both his physiology and his mind. When he initiates the Berserkergang, after a few moments of physical acclimation, Gonad fully crosses the barrier of a superhuman to perform at approximately twice his normal capacity as a baseline.
When combined with the ability to create self induced hyposthenia within his body, bringing his muscles to the ultimate point of relaxation, Gonad can then contract them with the greatest amount of force that he can possibly muster. At the cost of generating such speed and strength that his muscles may tear themselves free from his very bones, which in turn may shatter from the overwhelming might of his own blows, Gonad can unleash annihilating attacks of such immensity that any mortal entity on the receiving end is liable to be gruesomely maimed if not killed outright. He can only realize his maximum output briefly, his speed and strength spiking to 2.5x before the bodyparts most associated with the exertion sustain critical, crippling damage.
Going berserk increases Gonad's offence at the cost of his defense. His blood flows much faster (hastening potential blood loss), he becomes wholly relentless, and his attacks are just as likely to inflict damage to himself as to the opponent due to the physical strain. The increased metabolism results in him expending his energy much faster as well.
The Berserkergang lasts for a maximum of one hour assuming he sustains no injuries. Gonad will refuse to use it near allies or in populated areas. Once it has expired he will pass out and become physically incapable of independent motion for the next 24 hours. Depending on how much he exerted himself he might require medical attention and would likely need ample time for recovery, thus rendering him vulnerable and unable to effectively defend himself for weeks or months afterwards.
Background- They say when the Barbarian called Gonad Yaksplitter was born, he came into this world bearing a full beard and uttered not a cry, nor shed a single tear. He was born on the battlefield, his infantile but well defined body gushing forth from the womb of his mother and landing in a puddle of blood that had been pooling from the corpse of a nearby enemy. It was in this way that Gonad had first been christened with the blood of his enemies. His mother, Chukka, had broken both legs in the battle and only she and her newborn son had survived the disastrous conflict. It had been a Barbarian war party, sent out from Gonad's home village which lay fifty-five miles East.
Chukka was forced to crawl back using her hands and teeth, bearing Gonad on her back. Only by sustaining young Gonad with the meat of her placenta and the warm milk from her breasts was she able to keep him nourished during the arduous trip back. Using the prodigious length of young Gonad's beard, she was able to fashion a makeshift diaper to keep him from soiling her back. After two months they managed to return to the village, much to the great joy of Chief Sackscrotch. He was awestruck by the miracle child, and immediately knew that this was the baby fated to become their champion.
For many ages the Yaksplitter Village had been renowned for its strength, most often found migrating around in the deep Southern wilds and engaging other tribes in brutal war. Gonad's birth was the very culmination of generations of hard-earned might, his destiny pre-determined by the selective breeding of his ancestors. Their intent? To create the ultimate physical human to embody the spirit of survival and warfare. They succeeded.
Each child born to the chief was to take the place of their father until the day a boy was born who was vast in both beard and balls, the chosen one after whom Yaksplitter Village would be renamed. When came the fateful day that Gonad arrived, there was great rejoicing, for it was then that they knew their existence had finally been justified, that their ultimate patriarch and savior had entered the world at last to guide them with a righteous hand through the most trying of times.
Since before he could walk Gonad was made to train in the berserker arts with a relentless fervor that surpassed common sense. Nearly every minute of every hour of every day of his life he endured the most excruciating physical and mental training imaginable, his talent for unarmed combat pushed well beyond the boundaries of reason. He bears as many scars from his training as he does from battle. Gonad has participated in tens of thousands of battles, ranging from one on one bouts to full scale wars, and from his experience has even created his own fighting style, which he dubbed "Hefty Fist".
Hefty Fist contains every technique known to martial arts but mostly employs those from Pro Wrestling, Jujutsu, Sambo, Jeet Kune Do, Pankration, Rough & Tumble, and Krav Maga, purposed to maim or kill in as few moves as possible to avoid being overwhelmed by superior numbers. As the name implies, Gonad's punches are tremendously heavy to boot and have been known to sink into an enemy's body, launching feces straight out of their bowels forcefully enough to scatter gravel or imbedding a nearby wall with teeth ejected from a shattered jaw. Typically when he punches something, that something spits and/or shits out something else.
From the moment Gonad was born he was made to perform rigorous exercises in order to develop his body as soon as possible. As weakness had been beaten out of him at birth, it was not long before he became so well associated with hardship and pain that both feelings became an integral part of his personality. The full details of his training remain unknown for the most part, as the accounts of Barbarians are often muddled with myth. What is known are the basics of his regimen, from the date of his birth to current day.
Age One: Gonad is regularly beaten with a wet strip of leather. Gonad is regularly held over stoked flames. Gonad is regularly given rodents and encouraged to crush them in his hands. Gonad is forced to develop his upper body strength via unknown means, involving a two pound rock, a plank, a boot, and rope crafted from yak hair. Once he gained enough mobility to crawl he spent each night henceforth in an enclosed crib made from barbed wire and filled with rabid pomeranians.
Age Five: Gonad is regularly taken several dozen miles into the wilderness before being abandoned and forced to make his way back. Gonad is regularly brought to tribal wars and is said to have had a double digit kill-count before his sixth year. Gonad is regularly forced to consume the flesh of his fallen enemies. Gonad is regularly made to carry an eighty-pound rock on his back. Gonad is regularly beaten with wooden staves whilst wrestling with his older peers in a pit full of yak dung. Gonad regularly mates with older Barbarian women. Gonad is regularly made to strike rocks with his bare fists. In tribal wars, often many warriors are left mortally wounded on the battlefield, unable to receive medical treatment. Though he speaks freely of the kills he made in honorable combat, he rarely describes the many grievously wounded allies he was tasked with mercy killing. Several of his own brethren Gonad had to kill, by snapping their necks.
Age Ten: Gonad habitually trains to the point of sweating blood. Gonad is regularly made to fight wild animals unarmed. Gonad is regularly beaten with iron rods. Gonad regularly impacts burning logs with his crotch. Gonad is made to carry a one-hundred and eighty pound rock upon his back at all times. Gonad is branded regularly with hot irons. Gonad regularly spars with his peers in the catacombs underneath the village, where it is pitch black. Gonad is regularly made to punch yaks until they die of blunt force trauma. Gonad is regularly made to skin and disembowel said yaks with his bare hands. It was at this time Gonad met Lukka, his first wife. An enduring custom of the Village of Gonad, the wife always fights her spouse tooth and nail on their wedding night during mating. The fight is no holds barred, and often severe and permanent injuries result from it. The winner of this matrimonial bout becomes the dominant partner in the relationship. To overpower your mate is known in the village as "taming" them. Gonad tamed Lukka on the first night of their marriage.
Age Fifteen: As per the requirements of the Village's manhood ritual, Gonad and his brother Testiculese were made to journey up the steep side of Musty Mountain. The hike spanning several days, the two barbarians took turns carrying one another upon their backs so that the one being carried would have a chance for rest, and the one carrying him would make up for his lack of effort. Up sheer cliffs and through howling wind and freezing snow did Gonad carry Testiculese, and did Testiculese carry Gonad. With naught but their own bare flesh they bore both the furies of nature and of the ravenous cannibal hobbit packs. After five days they reached the summit, and together they struck down the terrible Alpha Hobbit, an animal ten meters in height with feet that could squash a horse.
Back down again they went, the trip back to the base of the mountain taking another five days of hardship. Through these ten days in icy Hell the bonds of brotherhood grew stronger than any metal that had ever been forged.
Age Twenty: Gonad is said to have had a triple digit kill-count at this age and regularly strikes his face against rocks. Gonad regularly falls from twenty foot high cliffs. Gonad regularly takes mass beatings from his village as endurance training. Gonad regularly punches himself in the face. Gonad is made to tote a three-hundred and forty pound training rock at all times. Gonad regularly sets off on three-month long expeditions to seek strong opponents. It was at this time that Gonad created the "Hefty Fist" style of martial arts. By this time Gonad had already met and tamed his second, third, and fourth wives; Chinga, Brokki, and Dronna, respectively.
Age Thirty: He continued to seek immense physical stress by any means possible. He went on three-month long expeditions from his village to seek out strong opponents, and was said to have a quadruple digit kill-count. Gonad regularly carried a four-hundred and sixty-four pound training rock in his arms. Currently, Gonad has a total of eight wives, with the new additions being Thorungi, Krabbucka, Chugga, and Grukara. Over eight feet tall and weighing nearly a quarter of a ton, Gonad's favored wife Chugga is both the strongest female and the second strongest warrior in the village. Having attended all of the tribal wars that occurred in her lifetime, she herself had killed many men with her bare hands. Better known as the Seventh Wife of Gonad, she fought him as viciously as any opponent Gonad had ever faced. It was by her hand that he lost his left eye. He was able to tame her after a bloody scrap that lasted over two hours.
Many seasons have since passed, and by virtue of his purity of spirit the title of 'Beardlord of the South' was bestowed upon him, one of four legendary titles representing the manliest warriors from the four corners of the world. These titles are reserved for those who through force of will have become synonymous with the very concept of manhood, and allows them the capacity for limitless adventure.
Gonad now explores the realms of existence endlessly, seeking worthy opponents to fight. He fights for fighting's sake and for honor, for his honor and the honor of those who are unable to defend themselves against the dishonorable.
He has seen countless wars, slain countless enemies, made countless friends. To recount the barbarian's many adventures would be an exercise in futility, for the blood wrought odyssey of Gonad transcends time and experience.
Trivia-
◾Gonad rarely calls people by their actual names, often using their physical appearance to give them a nickname such as Hood Man, Fancy Pants Lady, Pale Man, and Funny Beard. Those who have earned his utmost respect, however, are called by their true name.
◾His body is so well trained that with muscle memory he performs isometrics in his sleep.
◾He's almost entirely incapable of learning and/or doing anything that isn't related to combat, training, hunting, and women, the subjects in which he holds enough virtuosic ability to philosophize about. It took him two weeks to learn how to first use a doorknob, and he still hasn't learned how to read even a single word. He is utterly useless outside of his few areas of expertise.
◾He's ambidextrous.
◾His nose has been broken so many times that all of the cartilage in it has deteriorated. He can push it completely flat against his face. He also has seventeen false teeth crafted from flint and steel.
◾He has survived being struck by lightning twice, and each time got back up afterwards.
◾He rarely travels via boat or ship, opting instead to swim across great bodies of water.
◾Gonad is willing to dishonor himself for the greater good, but seeks vengeful justice against those who needlessly take the lives of others. Despite this he seems to have a blatant disregard for the lives of animals, killing the creatures of the forests, endangered species, pets, and exotic birds, typically to use their carcasses for a reckless snap-decision improvised usage.
◾Allowing him near any material possessions is foolhardy. He's no thief, but fate seems inclined to leave him responsible for unlikely and expensive accidents.
◾Gonad's past battles are all canon.