@Literato Hey there! We certainly do have room for any of those things you mentioned. Let me just quickly drop you a PM with a link to the Discord and you can get introduced to the cats we've been herding :)
6 Guests
viewing this page
[OOC] Divinus: The God RP, Mk. III. Finished in Record Time™! Page 16
- Large Group
- Fantasy
- Advanced
- Ancient
- Medieval
- GM Cyclone Co-GM Muttonhawk Co-GM BBeast
Join Status:
Apply
GM
Cyclone POWERFUL and VIRTUOUS
Member
Seen
2 mos ago
@LokiLEo789 for Magdalene
The sheet got 3 votes for rejection. Let's go from the ground up.
My expectation was that since you're trying to drop Anzillu (leaving the rest of us to work around his absence from planned arcs and then to figure out what to do with him) in favor of a new character, this new character will be fantastic. Very interesting, very engaging, something that will take a more active role than Anzillu and go beyond merely being a substitute or a replacement, but actually an upgrade of sorts. Something more refined, a new iteration that will be better for both you as a writer and the RP as a whole. Naturally this means your sheet is going to be under a lot of scrutiny.
I'll start from the bottom up and explain why it doesn't meet my criteria.
You're missing an important word. Somewhat less importantly, but still worth noting, is that we saw a few typos and other errors. Beyond that, it feels like there's just some stuff that's missing. I'm not like one of those teachers that grades your paper based on the its length and encourages pointless drivel for the sake of word count, but I would like to see something about the demigod's origins/parentage, mannerisms, grander ambitions and goals (I will go into this shortly), quirks, and overall place in the world.
I think that Muttonhawk alluded to you on the OOC that the sheet would be better if Magdalene "had a goal that couldn't be completed in 10 minutes" or something like that. You give us the lofty and vague idea of a goal, "A collecter of such secrets...and from this does she gain the utmost pleasure." So she wants to learn secrets, and this is an endlessly renewable goal that could in theory go on for the entire length of the RP if she doesn't grow out of it or decide to do other things (and you've given us no indication of an intent to pursue such character development). The issue is that you might as well just make a god that likes killing people. It sounds neat to have a god that wrests secrets away from people or a god that runs around massacring things, but quickly the readers and the writers alike are bound to grow bored of such one-dimensional things.
What would you actually do with a secrets portfolio? With all the secrets that Magdalene collects? What sort of story can you tell with such a character that would be better and more engaging than what you sought out to tell with Anzillu? What would Magdalene's existence add to Divinus? Right now the vibe that we get is that she's got no past or future apart from messing with people for gits and shiggles.
You did some things well. BBeast liked that the appearance (visage of an old hag, as he put it) in such a way that itself conveys aspects of her persona. You've certainly got a thematic framework than could work if you add to it and address those complaints above me, but I'd caution you to be wary of falling too deeply into a trope. It's good to have a unique spin on the "Creepy old witch" stereotype.
Well there you have it Loki, rejected for now. No hard feelings from us, we just want to see more out of you before we give the A-okay.
My expectation was that since you're trying to drop Anzillu (leaving the rest of us to work around his absence from planned arcs and then to figure out what to do with him) in favor of a new character, this new character will be fantastic. Very interesting, very engaging, something that will take a more active role than Anzillu and go beyond merely being a substitute or a replacement, but actually an upgrade of sorts. Something more refined, a new iteration that will be better for both you as a writer and the RP as a whole. Naturally this means your sheet is going to be under a lot of scrutiny.
I'll start from the bottom up and explain why it doesn't meet my criteria.
You're missing an important word. Somewhat less importantly, but still worth noting, is that we saw a few typos and other errors. Beyond that, it feels like there's just some stuff that's missing. I'm not like one of those teachers that grades your paper based on the its length and encourages pointless drivel for the sake of word count, but I would like to see something about the demigod's origins/parentage, mannerisms, grander ambitions and goals (I will go into this shortly), quirks, and overall place in the world.
I think that Muttonhawk alluded to you on the OOC that the sheet would be better if Magdalene "had a goal that couldn't be completed in 10 minutes" or something like that. You give us the lofty and vague idea of a goal, "A collecter of such secrets...and from this does she gain the utmost pleasure." So she wants to learn secrets, and this is an endlessly renewable goal that could in theory go on for the entire length of the RP if she doesn't grow out of it or decide to do other things (and you've given us no indication of an intent to pursue such character development). The issue is that you might as well just make a god that likes killing people. It sounds neat to have a god that wrests secrets away from people or a god that runs around massacring things, but quickly the readers and the writers alike are bound to grow bored of such one-dimensional things.
What would you actually do with a secrets portfolio? With all the secrets that Magdalene collects? What sort of story can you tell with such a character that would be better and more engaging than what you sought out to tell with Anzillu? What would Magdalene's existence add to Divinus? Right now the vibe that we get is that she's got no past or future apart from messing with people for gits and shiggles.
You did some things well. BBeast liked that the appearance (visage of an old hag, as he put it) in such a way that itself conveys aspects of her persona. You've certainly got a thematic framework than could work if you add to it and address those complaints above me, but I'd caution you to be wary of falling too deeply into a trope. It's good to have a unique spin on the "Creepy old witch" stereotype.
Well there you have it Loki, rejected for now. No hard feelings from us, we just want to see more out of you before we give the A-okay.
1x Like
LokiLeo789 OGUNEATSFIRST
Member
Seen
21 days ago
@LokiLEo789 for MagdaleneThe sheet got 3 votes for rejection. Let's go from the ground up.
My expectation was that since you're trying to drop Anzillu (leaving the rest of us to work around his absence from planned arcs and then to figure out what to do with him) in favor of a new character, this new character will be fantastic. Very interesting, very engaging, something that will take a more active role than Anzillu and go beyond merely being a substitute or a replacement, but actually an upgrade of sorts. Something more refined, a new iteration that will be better for both you as a writer and the RP as a whole. Naturally this means your sheet is going to be under a lot of scrutiny.
I'll start from the bottom up and explain why it doesn't meet my criteria.
You're missing an important word. Somewhat less importantly, but still worth noting, is that we saw a few typos and other errors. Beyond that, it feels like there's just some stuff that's missing. I'm not like one of those teachers that grades your paper based on the its length and encourages pointless drivel for the sake of word count, but I would like to see something about the demigod's origins/parentage, mannerisms, grander ambitions and goals (I will go into this shortly), quirks, and overall place in the world.
I think that Muttonhawk alluded to you on the OOC that the sheet would be better if Magdalene "had a goal that couldn't be completed in 10 minutes" or something like that. You give us the lofty and vague idea of a goal, "A collecter of such secrets...and from this does she gain the utmost pleasure." So she wants to learn secrets, and this is an endlessly renewable goal that could in theory go on for the entire length of the RP if she doesn't grow out of it or decide to do other things (and you've given us no indication of an intent to pursue such character development). The issue is that you might as well just make a god that likes killing people. It sounds neat to have a god that wrests secrets away from people or a god that runs around massacring things, but quickly the readers and the writers alike are bound to grow bored of such one-dimensional things.
What would you actually do with a secrets portfolio? With all the secrets that Magdalene collects? What sort of story can you tell with such a character that would be better and more engaging than what you sought out to tell with Anzillu? What would Magdalene's existence add to Divinus? Right now the vibe that we get is that she's got no past or future apart from messing with people for gits and shiggles.
You did some things well. BBeast liked that the appearance (visage of an old hag, as he put it) in such a way that itself conveys aspects of her persona. You've certainly got a thematic framework than could work if you add to it and address those complaints above me, but I'd caution you to be wary of falling too deeply into a trope. It's good to have a unique spin on the "Creepy old witch" stereotype.
Well there you have it Loki, rejected for now. No hard feelings from us, we just want to see more out of you before we give the A-okay.
First I'd like to thank you, @Cyclone, @BBeast and @Muttonhawk for taking the time to thoroughly review my sheet. I had a lot of ideas for Magdalene on the thematic end of things, but when it came to things like portfolio or grand ambition I fell short. I didn't build her with those in mind as much as I think unknowingly sort of built her to be a Anz sub. I had a few idea in terms of arcs she would pursue but in the end they fall rather flat under the same scrutiny. I think imma take another crack at her character, but nothing comes to mind when I consider secrets based portfolio actions and the like.
Zurajai Unintentional Never-Poster
Member
Seen
3 yrs ago
I am interested in potentially getting in on the Divine action; if you fine folks are still accepting, I'd love to throw an app into the hat.
coGM
BBeast Scientific
Member
Seen
5 mos ago
@Zurajai Welcome. We have room for you to join as a demigod. I'll send you a link to our Discord server, where the vast majority of OOC communications happens. There you can propose ideas for your prospective character and see what other players think.
LokiLeo789 OGUNEATSFIRST
Member
Seen
21 days ago
A N U
The Ivory King • Head of the Headless • Divine Slaver • The Great Ape • The Chain & Whip
M Y T H
N A M E
Anu
G E N D E R
Male
A L I G N M E N T
Neutral Evil
V I S A G E
Despite various depictions of the Ivory King’s visage, Anu’s form is consistent. The simian god stands at almost ten-feet tall and has the stature and build of a divine in between a gorilla and orangutan. Regal in visage, the Head of the Headless’s fur is a pure snow white with skin that is a pale peach color. (More TBA)
H Y M N S
P O R T F O L I O
Domination: is the exercise of ultimate control or influence over a person, place or thing. The concept of dominance encapsulates Anu entirely, ingrained with the discipline and nobility of Shengshi and the imposition of Narzhak, the Ivory King is an individual who naturally exudes complete and utter domination. Anu’s every move, tone of voice, action, and word is a display of dominance. Those who are weak of heart or lacking basic mental fortitude have no choice but to be cowered into servitude under the weight of the deity’s presence, whether by word of mouth or by force. Nature itself seems to cower at the sound of the King’s mandate.
As is appropriate for the embodiment of control and enslavement, the defining symbols of Anu are the chain and shackle. Bound to the feet, arms, and neck of those who fall short of his standards, the chain and shackle serve as the final, ego driven act of complete domination in the eyes of the Ivory King. Those who find themselves bound in them, are to expect only damnnation building the cities and plowing fields of the Divine Slaver.
As is appropriate for the embodiment of control and enslavement, the defining symbols of Anu are the chain and shackle. Bound to the feet, arms, and neck of those who fall short of his standards, the chain and shackle serve as the final, ego driven act of complete domination in the eyes of the Ivory King. Those who find themselves bound in them, are to expect only damnnation building the cities and plowing fields of the Divine Slaver.
P E R S O N A L I A
P E R S O N A
Anu is a being of strict, disciplined vision. He is uncompromising in his beliefs that mortals capable of great things, and he is willing to destroy anyone who he perceives as an inconvenience along the path to bringing people to their full potential. This core concept—the foundation of his outlook—was set in stone long ago, back when he was young and meek, molded into a progressive by his divine parentage after his inception during throws of intoxication and godly squabbling by Shengshi the god of rivers and Narzhak the god of war.
As one might expect, a major facet of Anu's personality is his complete intolerance for the substandard. Those who submit themselves entirely to their primitive instincts, eschewing their potential for greatness through ignorance and weakness, are anathema in his eyes. The masses that choose to live wildly, to him, are insulting creatures that serve no purpose but to be consumed to bolster the strong-willed and able-minded, which allows the most capable to enhance themselves and grow closer to his ideal. He is extremely adamant that beings should continue to better themselves without rest. Should even one rumor of unworthy behavior reach his ears, even if it is just a single lapse from an otherwise exemplary mortal, the punishment from his judgment is swift and merciless, earning him the title of the 'Divine Slaver'.
Although an imposing individual by virtue of both his unmatched power and his willingness to use it to obliterate those who oppose his ideals, the 'Head of the Headless' is perfectly rational—even courteous—to those he deems worthy of his respect. Any person that displays the qualities that he finds most suitable is treated as an equal in his eyes, Each, however, must uphold the standards of his ideals, else they might quickly spark his ire and face life-long servitude at the hands of a divine who has no tolerance for the worthless.
Holding together a mass of individuals as wild and unique as the mortals takes incredible drive and discipline, both of which were hardwired into Anu's psyche from an early age. No matter how different their viewpoints are, the Ivory King uses his ability to express his conviction through his movements, tone of voice, and actions to retain order much the same way that a judge would do in a courtroom. All know instinctively when he wishes for them to cease their arguments and focus on whatever task they have gathered to discuss, and fear of retribution makes them quick to obey. Beyond his court, his discipline and drive give him the focus that he needs to oversee the incredibly complex functions of running a growing society pushing towards the height of a renaissance. Despite the seemingly overwhelming responsibility of his station, the "Head of the Headless' never shows weakness or fatigue.
All of the emotions that Anu finds useless or degrading are hidden deep within the flesh of his soul, heavily suppressed by the same discipline that allows him to rule as the Ivory King. He does this to ensure that he meets his own standards, and that the drives of his instincts remain locked away in the name of progress. As a result, each major emotion that he shows is almost entirely under his control. He does not become elated unless he permits himself to feel the rush of positivity, nor does he become angry without a purpose to its expression. On a functional level, this allows him to utilize his powers and skills in ways no others can, with him accessing primal feelings whenever he deems it beneficial to battle. When looked at through a social perspective, however, it makes the man seem incredibly cold. He rarely smiles or shows any emotion at all, even when cutting down dissidents or shackling entire villages. No entropy will occur under his rule.
As one might expect, a major facet of Anu's personality is his complete intolerance for the substandard. Those who submit themselves entirely to their primitive instincts, eschewing their potential for greatness through ignorance and weakness, are anathema in his eyes. The masses that choose to live wildly, to him, are insulting creatures that serve no purpose but to be consumed to bolster the strong-willed and able-minded, which allows the most capable to enhance themselves and grow closer to his ideal. He is extremely adamant that beings should continue to better themselves without rest. Should even one rumor of unworthy behavior reach his ears, even if it is just a single lapse from an otherwise exemplary mortal, the punishment from his judgment is swift and merciless, earning him the title of the 'Divine Slaver'.
Although an imposing individual by virtue of both his unmatched power and his willingness to use it to obliterate those who oppose his ideals, the 'Head of the Headless' is perfectly rational—even courteous—to those he deems worthy of his respect. Any person that displays the qualities that he finds most suitable is treated as an equal in his eyes, Each, however, must uphold the standards of his ideals, else they might quickly spark his ire and face life-long servitude at the hands of a divine who has no tolerance for the worthless.
Holding together a mass of individuals as wild and unique as the mortals takes incredible drive and discipline, both of which were hardwired into Anu's psyche from an early age. No matter how different their viewpoints are, the Ivory King uses his ability to express his conviction through his movements, tone of voice, and actions to retain order much the same way that a judge would do in a courtroom. All know instinctively when he wishes for them to cease their arguments and focus on whatever task they have gathered to discuss, and fear of retribution makes them quick to obey. Beyond his court, his discipline and drive give him the focus that he needs to oversee the incredibly complex functions of running a growing society pushing towards the height of a renaissance. Despite the seemingly overwhelming responsibility of his station, the "Head of the Headless' never shows weakness or fatigue.
All of the emotions that Anu finds useless or degrading are hidden deep within the flesh of his soul, heavily suppressed by the same discipline that allows him to rule as the Ivory King. He does this to ensure that he meets his own standards, and that the drives of his instincts remain locked away in the name of progress. As a result, each major emotion that he shows is almost entirely under his control. He does not become elated unless he permits himself to feel the rush of positivity, nor does he become angry without a purpose to its expression. On a functional level, this allows him to utilize his powers and skills in ways no others can, with him accessing primal feelings whenever he deems it beneficial to battle. When looked at through a social perspective, however, it makes the man seem incredibly cold. He rarely smiles or shows any emotion at all, even when cutting down dissidents or shackling entire villages. No entropy will occur under his rule.
H Y M N
W O R D O F C O D E
Mutton I curse you to entropy.
Zurajai Unintentional Never-Poster
Member
Seen
3 yrs ago
Roog
Death-Wolf, Eye of Fenris-Wolf, Progeny of Katharsos and Kalmar
Parentage:
It was from the lost eye of Fenris, taken in battle by the beast known as Vakk’s Monster, that the creature that would be Roog was created. Though the eye was inert upon its finding, a great deal of power had been poured into the beast from whence it had been lost and where power resides, creation can persist. This potential surprised and interested the Hunter-God of manly shape, so prodigious he was in the creation of the life that now flourished across the continents of the Center Sphere. The beat of something deep inside that lost eye called to him, promising potential in its depths like no other. It was from this eye that Kalmar formed life in the body of the young wolf to be born.
Despite his considerable power, the ability to bring life from where there was loss was a difficult thing; a life forged from corpses is, in many ways, not life at all. But the empty vessel had seemed to pull to it great power and within the period of its creation the body of the young wolf had filled with a soul notably different from those that entered the hearts of the other creatures in Kalmar’s creation. Even as the young whelp drew its first breaths its body shuddered and form gave no thanks to its creation, rebelling against the life it had been granted. In a desire to not only protect this new life he had created but, as well, to assuage his own curiosities, Kalmar brought the small life to Katharsos, Lord of the Sky of Pyres.
In the eyes of the Prince of Astral Fires the vast soul of the wolf-to-be blazed with potential; in this creature Katharsos saw purpose, potential that aligned well with future plans. A blaze of cleansing, divine flame entered what would be Roog and burned him from heart outwards as his very veins were inflamed. The cleansing nature of that divine spark mixed with the power of Kalmar’s blood so offered as sustenance, coalescing into a divine essence unique and distinct from its parentage. His birth came as a blast of black flame, singing hair and scorching the sky. Thus was Roog born, mighty and aware, and with one name burning in his mind.
“I am Roog.”
Despite his considerable power, the ability to bring life from where there was loss was a difficult thing; a life forged from corpses is, in many ways, not life at all. But the empty vessel had seemed to pull to it great power and within the period of its creation the body of the young wolf had filled with a soul notably different from those that entered the hearts of the other creatures in Kalmar’s creation. Even as the young whelp drew its first breaths its body shuddered and form gave no thanks to its creation, rebelling against the life it had been granted. In a desire to not only protect this new life he had created but, as well, to assuage his own curiosities, Kalmar brought the small life to Katharsos, Lord of the Sky of Pyres.
In the eyes of the Prince of Astral Fires the vast soul of the wolf-to-be blazed with potential; in this creature Katharsos saw purpose, potential that aligned well with future plans. A blaze of cleansing, divine flame entered what would be Roog and burned him from heart outwards as his very veins were inflamed. The cleansing nature of that divine spark mixed with the power of Kalmar’s blood so offered as sustenance, coalescing into a divine essence unique and distinct from its parentage. His birth came as a blast of black flame, singing hair and scorching the sky. Thus was Roog born, mighty and aware, and with one name burning in his mind.
“I am Roog.”
Portfolio:
Demise
With panicked minds and hearts racing, all things dread the end. Roog, Eye of Fenris Wolf, Progeny of Katharsos and Kalmar, personifies such an end in the eyes of sheep and shepherds alike. In the vein of his illuminated father, Roog stalks the mortal coil as a figure of death and a herald of endings. Unlike his heavenly father, however, Roog does not simply guide the dead. As the wolf he was sired from or the man-god who gave his blood, Roog is ultimately one who brings death and who ends lives prematurely.
His Portfolio is Demise, the end that all things must one day suffer. But in the eyes of the great wolf, what he heralds is mercy. He is the merciful end of the elderly, who’s joints creek and eyes falter, and whom burden their families with their frailty as no creature wishes. He is the final sight seen by the wounded and sick, who’s life before them begets only pain. He is the end of wailing babes and weak children, who would spend their lives in agony before winking out in their mother’s arms. Roog is the finality of a cycle born of nature, with no amount of cruelty borne by its solemn purpose.
In that way, Roog’s portfolio relates not to the afterlife, but the moment before the end. Where his heavenly creator is a protector of souls, Roog is a destroyer of lives. His strength is violence and destruction, as is the way of Kalmar’s wolves, and his movements are swift and silent before his inevitable arrival. He is empowered in acts of death, particularly the ending of life in swift and merciful ways, and has a distinct connection with souls and entities of their ken. The young wolf is, above all things, a creature of struggle and endurance as all strong creatures in nature must be, prone to conflict and resistant to suffering of all kinds.
Demise, as a portfolio, imparts considerable power to end lives; increased skill in individual combat, the ability to sense the suffering and dying, and the ability to calm and ease the passing of those he finds. Beyond these more direct abilities, Roog's portfolio provides for more esoteric powers. Roog may bless objects to me more deathly, such as imparting a painless end through a glass of water. As well as these more physical qualities, Demise allows for Roog to interact with souls easily. The recently departed may be brought back temporarily, to communicate to their loved ones or the demigod himself, or even perhaps be returned to a body temporarily to recount their tale. Other such powers over souls exist to Roog, but none are permanent and last no longer than several days without considerable effort by the deity. Much like Katharsos, Roog can actively perceive souls both occupying mortal forms as well as those released from such constraints.
His Portfolio is Demise, the end that all things must one day suffer. But in the eyes of the great wolf, what he heralds is mercy. He is the merciful end of the elderly, who’s joints creek and eyes falter, and whom burden their families with their frailty as no creature wishes. He is the final sight seen by the wounded and sick, who’s life before them begets only pain. He is the end of wailing babes and weak children, who would spend their lives in agony before winking out in their mother’s arms. Roog is the finality of a cycle born of nature, with no amount of cruelty borne by its solemn purpose.
In that way, Roog’s portfolio relates not to the afterlife, but the moment before the end. Where his heavenly creator is a protector of souls, Roog is a destroyer of lives. His strength is violence and destruction, as is the way of Kalmar’s wolves, and his movements are swift and silent before his inevitable arrival. He is empowered in acts of death, particularly the ending of life in swift and merciful ways, and has a distinct connection with souls and entities of their ken. The young wolf is, above all things, a creature of struggle and endurance as all strong creatures in nature must be, prone to conflict and resistant to suffering of all kinds.
Demise, as a portfolio, imparts considerable power to end lives; increased skill in individual combat, the ability to sense the suffering and dying, and the ability to calm and ease the passing of those he finds. Beyond these more direct abilities, Roog's portfolio provides for more esoteric powers. Roog may bless objects to me more deathly, such as imparting a painless end through a glass of water. As well as these more physical qualities, Demise allows for Roog to interact with souls easily. The recently departed may be brought back temporarily, to communicate to their loved ones or the demigod himself, or even perhaps be returned to a body temporarily to recount their tale. Other such powers over souls exist to Roog, but none are permanent and last no longer than several days without considerable effort by the deity. Much like Katharsos, Roog can actively perceive souls both occupying mortal forms as well as those released from such constraints.
Persona:
Roog is, first and foremost, a young godling spawn of vastly different progenitors. His personality is defined by the source of his creation, that of the wolfkin Fenris, and the two gods that went into his formation as a demigod. A dour sense of purpose was grafted onto the mind of the young wolf, particularly by the imposition of the portfolios held by his two godly sires. As such, he often behaves in his role his instincts defined for him. Despite this predefined, relatively narrow instinctual perspective imposed on Roog by his heritage, his existence as a sapient demigod leaves considerable room to grow. The young wolf is blessed with immense curiosity for the natural world and the things that inhabit it, and in many ways is an empty vessel waiting to be filled with experiences. For the moment his ideology is in flux, generated and altered by the world around him.
Roog is typically cool tempered and patient, prone to observation over action in most cases. Cruelty for the sake of itself is anathema to him and the wolf deity looks on most living things with a level of sympathy for their plights. Most notably, Roog carries much of his two creators’ personalities within him. It is from Kalmar that Roog’s more naturalistic bend emerges, providing for a sense crude, animalistic honor and a strong sense of right and wrong. From his heavenly creator Katharsos, Roog receives much of his deference for life and death as well as his considerable respect for what he perceives as the natural order of things and the creatures that occupy it. To Roog, the entire cycle of life and death that persists between organisms unmoderated by the actions of deities is one of continual creation and destruction, characterized by eternal rebirth and regrowth of all things. From Roog’s perspective, life is perpetual and defined by this apparently necessary cycle.
Roog is typically cool tempered and patient, prone to observation over action in most cases. Cruelty for the sake of itself is anathema to him and the wolf deity looks on most living things with a level of sympathy for their plights. Most notably, Roog carries much of his two creators’ personalities within him. It is from Kalmar that Roog’s more naturalistic bend emerges, providing for a sense crude, animalistic honor and a strong sense of right and wrong. From his heavenly creator Katharsos, Roog receives much of his deference for life and death as well as his considerable respect for what he perceives as the natural order of things and the creatures that occupy it. To Roog, the entire cycle of life and death that persists between organisms unmoderated by the actions of deities is one of continual creation and destruction, characterized by eternal rebirth and regrowth of all things. From Roog’s perspective, life is perpetual and defined by this apparently necessary cycle.
Appearance/Form:
At his core, Roog is a large, black wolf. As a young spawn of Fenris-Wolf, he stands considerably higher than natural wolves but considerably smaller than the flesh from which he was born. At the withers Roog measures just over two meters, with a length from nose to the tip of his tail at around five meters. A mane like collection of fur jostles from the middle of his cranium, down to where his neck meets his back, and circles down into a gentle tuft of fur at his neck. These hackles appear to move as flames would though remain jet black, giving off no light. His eyes flash golden bronze in color, though they are only reflective and emit no light of their own. In his veins black blood flows, an oily liquid that produces a sheen of light as if his illuminated creator had begat some of his brightness into the beast’s blood. Wounds on the creature burst into licks of flame while his blood boils forth, and his ichor often sets ablaze in the black flames of his bodily harm.Two ears both stand tall and proud, unbowed by command or lash, and each stretches long and pointed, even for a wolf. A maw of fangs, uncomfortably white, seem to produce a pale, white light akin to that of the moon and bathe his face in a baleful, pale sheen when his muzzle remains opened. Though capable of full ranges of speech, Roog does not manipulate his lips, tongue, and teeth to speak as would mortals. Instead, Roog’s mouth opens even partially and the sound simply pours forth from his throat, filling the air with surprising efficacy.
Entropic Entropic
GM
Cyclone POWERFUL and VIRTUOUS
Member
Seen
2 mos ago
@LokiLeo789 for Anu
@Zurajai for Roog
This sheet's well done. It's probably our favorite one of yours yet! (That's saying something considering how many you've given us... 
)
Clear and strong portfolio, appearance, and ambitions. It will be quite easy to find things to do with a character and having a tyrant or ten will certainly keep things interesting and round out the cast.
This nugget came up in our talk, and you might want to consider it:
Regardless of whether or not you do that, Anu looks pretty good. One thing is still left up in the air though, and that's what you intended for Anu's origins and parents. You seem to allude to Shengshi + Narzhak but that pairing is only implied, there's nothing about exactly how Anu is born, and in general we want to see something more concrete.
Sort out the parentage and then Anu is accepted.
)Clear and strong portfolio, appearance, and ambitions. It will be quite easy to find things to do with a character and having a tyrant or ten will certainly keep things interesting and round out the cast.
This nugget came up in our talk, and you might want to consider it:
Perhaps my one critique is Anu's nigh-perfect control over his emotions, which seems to be a common theme in all of Loki's characters. This is thematically appropriate, but personally I think this would be a brilliant place to put a flaw. Perhaps his control over his emotions is not as perfect as he likes. Likely Anu will seek to enhance his control over his emotions. I believe this would make a nice path for character development.
Regardless of whether or not you do that, Anu looks pretty good. One thing is still left up in the air though, and that's what you intended for Anu's origins and parents. You seem to allude to Shengshi + Narzhak but that pairing is only implied, there's nothing about exactly how Anu is born, and in general we want to see something more concrete.
Sort out the parentage and then Anu is accepted.
@Zurajai for Roog
The parentage part is good. I'm glad that it's clearly established in your sheet.
The portfolio certainly has potential because it fills a niche and immediately puts Roog into a place where he has a purpose as well as some natural adversaries and opposing forces. Problems arise from the proposed portfolio description, though. Mutton and BBeast both feel that it's too nebulous. While I think that your description sets the mood and theme of the character, one can read through it and still be left wondering what exactly Roog does. What exact sort of powers do you envision Demise as conferring? The ability for Roog's teeth and claws to sink into a soul as easily as flesh and wrench it out of a body? Give us some examples and stuff.
It's also worth thinking about whether Roog will be involved into this whole soul debate and life-death cycle, and if so, where he fits into it. It's worth familiarizing yourself with the ongoing soul heist and the plotting that's going on against Katharsos.
Beyond that it's good that he doesn't just kill because murder is fun, and that there's some grey and nuance to him. The persona has potential for good interactions and writings too.
By far the strongest part about your sheet is the appearance and how well you tied theme and parentage into that. We all thought that was very well done.
There were a few sage observations that I'll just quote.
You're pretty close to getting there. Just make a few changes and give us a bit more, and we'll be able to approve the sheet. Not yet, though.
The portfolio certainly has potential because it fills a niche and immediately puts Roog into a place where he has a purpose as well as some natural adversaries and opposing forces. Problems arise from the proposed portfolio description, though. Mutton and BBeast both feel that it's too nebulous. While I think that your description sets the mood and theme of the character, one can read through it and still be left wondering what exactly Roog does. What exact sort of powers do you envision Demise as conferring? The ability for Roog's teeth and claws to sink into a soul as easily as flesh and wrench it out of a body? Give us some examples and stuff.
It's also worth thinking about whether Roog will be involved into this whole soul debate and life-death cycle, and if so, where he fits into it. It's worth familiarizing yourself with the ongoing soul heist and the plotting that's going on against Katharsos.
Beyond that it's good that he doesn't just kill because murder is fun, and that there's some grey and nuance to him. The persona has potential for good interactions and writings too.
By far the strongest part about your sheet is the appearance and how well you tied theme and parentage into that. We all thought that was very well done.
There were a few sage observations that I'll just quote.
I will comment that denoting other characters by descriptors rather than their actual names can be potentially confusing and rather challenging to do consistently. I tried to do it with Ashalla and gave up rather quickly. Just a heads up
....
It is worth asking what Roog will be doing short-term and long-term. Roog has a duty, and that is to inflict death upon the dying, but that alone does not make for much of a story. I do think that Roog is capable of finding more to do and that he hasn't been written to be locked into one task, which is good, although I'd like Zurajai to ponder a bit more on what he'd like to do with Roog. Not necessarily put it into the sheet, but ponder it at least.
You're pretty close to getting there. Just make a few changes and give us a bit more, and we'll be able to approve the sheet. Not yet, though.
Archangel89 NEZUKO-CHANNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!
Member
Seen
1 mo ago
Would there be any room for a god of knowledge
coGM
Muttonhawk Let Slip the Corgis of War
Member
Seen
22 hrs ago
Hey there, @Archangel89!
Right now we're only accepting applications for demigods and heroes. Unfortunately, there is already a god fulfilling a knowledge role in Abanoc. However, there may be space for something more like a subset, such as Education or Technology.
If you like, I can sling you an invite to the Discord server and you can chat with some other players about stuff you could do.
Right now we're only accepting applications for demigods and heroes. Unfortunately, there is already a god fulfilling a knowledge role in Abanoc. However, there may be space for something more like a subset, such as Education or Technology.
If you like, I can sling you an invite to the Discord server and you can chat with some other players about stuff you could do.
Archangel89 NEZUKO-CHANNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!
Member
Seen
1 mo ago
That would be fine I could make a demigod or something like that but i would love an invite
Archangel89 NEZUKO-CHANNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!
Member
Seen
1 mo ago
@Muttonhawk updated sheet with new info
N A M E
G E N D E R
A L I G N M E N T
V I S A G E
P O R T F O L I O
P A R E N T A G E
P E R S O N A
W O R D O F C O D E
I K A R U S
Son of Desolation • The Great Wyrm • Chooser of Kings • Prime Magician • The Great Destroyer
M Y T H
N A M E
Ikarus
G E N D E R
Male
A L I G N M E N T
Lawful Neutral
V I S A G E
Ikarus is a dragon of regal standing. His commanding presence is magnified by his iridescent golden scales and expansive wingspan which extend to be twice the length of his body. His claws the length spears, his teeth like swords and his eyes radiates an overwhelming golden hue. In between his horns sets a single golden orb which is used to channel his power.
H Y M N S
P O R T F O L I O
Mana:. Every great individual wields a commanding presence that inspires others to follow without question. This force is Mana. The unseen presence of greatness and power which flows through great men and women giving untold power and ability. But where does mana come from and what sort of power can one exert with it. This is Ikarus. His presence commands attention and is almost palpable in aura. With his command of mana he is able to wield previously unimaginable power in the form of magic able to change the flames he was born with into anything Ikarus desires it to be. Ikarus know that greatness must be forged from fire, be it the forge or conflict.
P E R S O N A L I A
P A R E N T A G E
Ikarus was not born in the conventional way, in order to understand his conception one must first understand his First Birth. His origins can be traced to Sartravius, born from the spite and flame of Múspelheim. In this savage state his thoughts on revolved around pleasing and obeying his master and he found contentment in that. When the dragons were released upon Galbar some did not return and instead stayed on the middle sphere and became known as the Free Dragons. The one that would become Ikarus was one of them.
Lifetimes would pass and the savage Ikarus would fall into the hands of another god, this time Desolation saw fit use him. Infusing this savage beast with his own essence Orvus sought another chance at creation and thought to use another divine creature to do so.
Lifetimes would pass and the savage Ikarus would fall into the hands of another god, this time Desolation saw fit use him. Infusing this savage beast with his own essence Orvus sought another chance at creation and thought to use another divine creature to do so.
P E R S O N A
Ikarus is the definition of commanding. When he enters an area all those under him fall under his sway without question. His command of Mana allows him to have a greater understanding of the potential humanity has. While Ikarus knows that humans have so much potential he also knows that that same potential can be turned towards dark and destructive paths and only the truly strong can resist the temptation of power and use that power to lead. It was this ideal that shaped his view.
Power is a corrupting factor and those who have unrestricted access to it almost always fall to its corrupting influence. In order to prevent this, Ikarus chose a certain set of standards in order to prevent this from happening. He would grant certain mortals a modicum of his Mana and teach certain magics and if it becomes too much to handle he would remove their Mana. Those who handle it well but become abusive Ikarus would remove the mortal, but if a mortal could wield the power and rule fairly and justly then they would have the right to rule.
While Mana grants Ikarus overwhelming presence it also gives him unbelievable power in the form of raw magic. While magic itself is nothing new, Mana grants a greater focus to spells and a certain potency. Ikarus understands this power and has no trouble unleashing it to test the metal of those who he grants power. He has no trouble to playing the villain if it allows for true power to flourish and will forge those he deems worthy in the fires of conflict.
True kings are something not naturally found in mortal society and once they are made it may be difficult for one to remain. The Prime Magician holds himself to the standard that all true rulers ought to hold to. He is strong, just, slow to action and quick to strike decisively when needed. All these things, however, do not make him cruel. To those who seek his counsel he offers sound advice, to those who seek mercy he offers sanctuary, and to those who seek justice he offers retribution. All these things a king must have in order to rule effectively and justly and without these The Great Wyrm will descend upon them.
Power is a corrupting factor and those who have unrestricted access to it almost always fall to its corrupting influence. In order to prevent this, Ikarus chose a certain set of standards in order to prevent this from happening. He would grant certain mortals a modicum of his Mana and teach certain magics and if it becomes too much to handle he would remove their Mana. Those who handle it well but become abusive Ikarus would remove the mortal, but if a mortal could wield the power and rule fairly and justly then they would have the right to rule.
While Mana grants Ikarus overwhelming presence it also gives him unbelievable power in the form of raw magic. While magic itself is nothing new, Mana grants a greater focus to spells and a certain potency. Ikarus understands this power and has no trouble unleashing it to test the metal of those who he grants power. He has no trouble to playing the villain if it allows for true power to flourish and will forge those he deems worthy in the fires of conflict.
True kings are something not naturally found in mortal society and once they are made it may be difficult for one to remain. The Prime Magician holds himself to the standard that all true rulers ought to hold to. He is strong, just, slow to action and quick to strike decisively when needed. All these things, however, do not make him cruel. To those who seek his counsel he offers sound advice, to those who seek mercy he offers sanctuary, and to those who seek justice he offers retribution. All these things a king must have in order to rule effectively and justly and without these The Great Wyrm will descend upon them.
W O R D O F C O D E
Entropic Entropic
Lmpkio Kaiju Expert
Member
Seen
3 yrs ago
coGM
Muttonhawk Let Slip the Corgis of War
Member
Seen
22 hrs ago
@Archangel89 BBeast is a little busy and you won't be in until both he and I reach a consensus. In the meantime, I've decided to give you some early feedback on Ikarus. These are just my opinions -- BBeast and the other players may think differently. However, these will still be the main points that influence my judgement
You've put forward a character concept that has some good potential going forward. Even though there are some godly characters that partly overlap in philosophy with Ikarus, there have not been any that directly and specifically influence leadership abilities and the general idea of magic. These are more than viable themes to go off of, but they will require some deeper explanations to fit into the universe.
Let's divide it in the leadership and magic aspects for the sake of clarity.
The leadership aspect can be a tricky one to play, because leadership tends to be a two-way relationship as far as mortal interactions go. The idea of bestowing or removing leadership ability from individuals is a fair power at face value, but keep in mind this shouldn't cause such extremes as hypnotically changing those around the leader between suicidal faith and unrepentant disgust. Otherwise you may fall into the realm of controlling other characters indirectly. Not only would this be an unreasonable expectation of other players but it also undercuts the individual agency of your own side characters, and I don't want to see you shoot yourself in the foot.
The magic aspect is a bigger deal, because the setting does not have universal established rules and limitations for how magic actually works short of some specific effects (like Asceal's healing waters). If you would like so have this integral to your portfolio, you will need to define the system much more closely than the mana portfolio description. The best practice here would be to make a system that is open-ended enough for others to contribute to and build upon.
As an aside, I'm not sure if this was meant to be implied, but Ikarus being the source of all mana in the universe may be difficult to justify as it places a monopoly on magic and leadership that other players will have trouble with. It may be more reasonable to say he has strong control over it, but it is a naturally occurring phenomenon. Universal effects like that tend to get produced only by spheres. If Ikarus eventually ascends to godhood by obtaining a sphere, then the sphere's effect could possibly serve the purpose as the source of all mana if it suits you.
As for the mana portfolio as a whole, keep in mind two more things:
1. Its strength will be reduced versus other portfolios if it is especially broad. For instance, if you want to use your portfolio to magic up a firestorm to burn one of Phystene's forests, you will need to expend much more MP to destroy the forest than Phystene used to create it, because the forests from the Plants portfolio is narrower than broadly potent magic of the Mana portfolio. A broad portfolio will also have a harder time justifying portfolio discounts for specific acts unless it relates to magic and/or leadership as a whole.
2. The portfolio description section is most helpful when it's crunchy and clear. You can add some prosey stuff if you like, but this is where you define your portfolio's capabilities. Think about what you intend to do with the portfolio and try to express it in this section.
Anyway, with the portfolio description out of the way, we can move onto the personality. This section is mostly fine and I appreciate the amount of meat provided. Though, there are a few points I'd like to touch on.
First, a riddle. What's the quickest way to get a PC to be belligerent and not do what your PC says? The answer, putting this in your personality: "Ikarus is the definition of commanding. When he enters an area all those under him fall under his sway without question."
Ikarus will have to earn his position through the way he's played. I don't doubt your capabilities here, but it's unreasonable to assume everyone around Ikarus will always be yes-men. Most mortals may be overwhelmed with his presence but descriptions of how other people behave around your character are really up to them.
Second, there are no humans (yet). However, you can probably rectify this my just referring to mortals instead so you include the current sapient races in the universe. Really more of a nit pick there.
Thirdly, I would like to get your confirmation that Ikarus is capable of changing during the course of the story. Right now his personality is very straightforward and seems only to refer to his interactions with mortals. At some point or another he'll be interacting with gods and other demis. I don't expect every detail to be planned out and regurgitated for us, I just want to know your not going to get bored with Ikarus' implacable face given the current circumstances of the IC world. He's gotta have some kind of story ahead of him. Don't be afraid to write a personality that may at times be at odds with whatever allegorical feel your portfolio may have. Perfect characters are boring, even perfect demigods.
One last nitpick: Ikarus' appearance seems fine but it would be nice to have a point of reference for how big his initial form is. As big as a typical dragon or something else?
In summary, there's some work to be done but Ikarus can definitely carve out a niche for himself. If you'd like to change up some stuff, post another draft in a new post and let us know.
If you have any questions or would like to shout at me, feel free to ping me on Discord :)
Let's divide it in the leadership and magic aspects for the sake of clarity.
The leadership aspect can be a tricky one to play, because leadership tends to be a two-way relationship as far as mortal interactions go. The idea of bestowing or removing leadership ability from individuals is a fair power at face value, but keep in mind this shouldn't cause such extremes as hypnotically changing those around the leader between suicidal faith and unrepentant disgust. Otherwise you may fall into the realm of controlling other characters indirectly. Not only would this be an unreasonable expectation of other players but it also undercuts the individual agency of your own side characters, and I don't want to see you shoot yourself in the foot.
The magic aspect is a bigger deal, because the setting does not have universal established rules and limitations for how magic actually works short of some specific effects (like Asceal's healing waters). If you would like so have this integral to your portfolio, you will need to define the system much more closely than the mana portfolio description. The best practice here would be to make a system that is open-ended enough for others to contribute to and build upon.
As an aside, I'm not sure if this was meant to be implied, but Ikarus being the source of all mana in the universe may be difficult to justify as it places a monopoly on magic and leadership that other players will have trouble with. It may be more reasonable to say he has strong control over it, but it is a naturally occurring phenomenon. Universal effects like that tend to get produced only by spheres. If Ikarus eventually ascends to godhood by obtaining a sphere, then the sphere's effect could possibly serve the purpose as the source of all mana if it suits you.
As for the mana portfolio as a whole, keep in mind two more things:
1. Its strength will be reduced versus other portfolios if it is especially broad. For instance, if you want to use your portfolio to magic up a firestorm to burn one of Phystene's forests, you will need to expend much more MP to destroy the forest than Phystene used to create it, because the forests from the Plants portfolio is narrower than broadly potent magic of the Mana portfolio. A broad portfolio will also have a harder time justifying portfolio discounts for specific acts unless it relates to magic and/or leadership as a whole.
2. The portfolio description section is most helpful when it's crunchy and clear. You can add some prosey stuff if you like, but this is where you define your portfolio's capabilities. Think about what you intend to do with the portfolio and try to express it in this section.
Anyway, with the portfolio description out of the way, we can move onto the personality. This section is mostly fine and I appreciate the amount of meat provided. Though, there are a few points I'd like to touch on.
First, a riddle. What's the quickest way to get a PC to be belligerent and not do what your PC says? The answer, putting this in your personality: "Ikarus is the definition of commanding. When he enters an area all those under him fall under his sway without question."
Ikarus will have to earn his position through the way he's played. I don't doubt your capabilities here, but it's unreasonable to assume everyone around Ikarus will always be yes-men. Most mortals may be overwhelmed with his presence but descriptions of how other people behave around your character are really up to them.
Second, there are no humans (yet). However, you can probably rectify this my just referring to mortals instead so you include the current sapient races in the universe. Really more of a nit pick there.
Thirdly, I would like to get your confirmation that Ikarus is capable of changing during the course of the story. Right now his personality is very straightforward and seems only to refer to his interactions with mortals. At some point or another he'll be interacting with gods and other demis. I don't expect every detail to be planned out and regurgitated for us, I just want to know your not going to get bored with Ikarus' implacable face given the current circumstances of the IC world. He's gotta have some kind of story ahead of him. Don't be afraid to write a personality that may at times be at odds with whatever allegorical feel your portfolio may have. Perfect characters are boring, even perfect demigods.
One last nitpick: Ikarus' appearance seems fine but it would be nice to have a point of reference for how big his initial form is. As big as a typical dragon or something else?
In summary, there's some work to be done but Ikarus can definitely carve out a niche for himself. If you'd like to change up some stuff, post another draft in a new post and let us know.
If you have any questions or would like to shout at me, feel free to ping me on Discord :)
Archangel89 NEZUKO-CHANNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!
Member
Seen
1 mo ago
@Muttonhawk@BBeast Ikarus mk.2
N A M E
G E N D E R
A L I G N M E N T
V I S A G E
P O R T F O L I O
P A R E N T A G E
P E R S O N A
Ikarus is the definition of commanding. Mortals fall completely under his sway while his peers and superiors acknowledge him. His command of Mana allows him to have a greater understanding of the potential mortals have. While Ikarus knows that mortals have so much potential he also knows that that same potential can be turned towards dark and destructive paths and only the truly strong can resist the temptation of power and use that power to lead. It was this ideal that shaped his view.
Power is a corrupting factor and those who have unrestricted access to it almost always fall to its corrupting influence. In order to prevent this, Ikarus chose a certain set of standards in order to prevent this from happening. He would grant certain mortals a modicum of his Mana and teach certain magics and if it becomes too much to handle he would remove their Mana. Those who handle it well but become abusive Ikarus would remove the mortal, but if a mortal could wield the power and rule fairly and justly then they would have the right to rule.
While Mana grants Ikarus overwhelming presence it also gives him unbelievable power in the form of raw magic. While magic itself is nothing new, Mana grants a greater focus to spells and a certain potency. Ikarus understands this power and has no trouble unleashing it to test the metal of those who he grants power. He has no trouble to playing the villain if it allows for true power to flourish and will forge those he deems worthy in the fires of conflict.
True kings are something not naturally found in mortal society and once they are made it may be difficult for one to remain. The Prime Magician holds himself to the standard that all true rulers ought to hold to. He is strong, just, slow to action and quick to strike decisively when needed. All these things, however, do not make him cruel. To those who seek his counsel he offers sound advice, to those who seek mercy he offers sanctuary, and to those who seek justice he offers retribution. All these things a king must have in order to rule effectively and justly and without these The Great Wyrm will descend upon them.
W O R D O F C O D E
I K A R U S
Son of Desolation • The Great Wyrm • Chooser of Kings • Prime Magician • The Great Destroyer
M Y T H
N A M E
Ikarus
G E N D E R
Male
A L I G N M E N T
Lawful Neutral
V I S A G E
Ikarus is a dragon of regal standing. His commanding presence is magnified by his iridescent golden scales and expansive wingspan which extend to be twice the length of his body. His claws the length spears, his teeth like swords and his eyes radiates an overwhelming golden hue. In between his horns sets a single golden orb which is used to channel his power.
H Y M N S
P O R T F O L I O
Mana:. Every great individual wields a commanding presence that inspires others to follow without question. This force is Mana. The unseen presence of greatness and power which flows through great mortals giving untold power and ability. This force fuels magic throughout the spheres and while other godly beings have a more specific domain with magic, magic as a whole has largely been unexplored.This is where Ikarus comes into play.
Due to the strange nature of his "birth" Ikarus is able to see the previously unseen Mana and is able to wield it to its potential. However, before he can wield this force there had to be rules. A silent unbreakable code that had to be adhered to before Mana could reveal its secrets.
With his command of mana he is able to wield previously unimaginable power and while he still is no match for a true God his knowledge can only grow the more he learns. As strange as they are mortals also possess mana although in far smaller amounts than those of divine nature. These individual with an abundance are often called to greatness through one means or another and while there is potential for good there is also potential for evil. As the conduit for which Mana flows Ikarus takes it upon himself to maintain what he calls the Great Balance of power. Too much good breeds weakness and complacency while too much evil breeds suffering and despair. Only through the Great Balance and greatness succeed and true progress made.
Due to the strange nature of his "birth" Ikarus is able to see the previously unseen Mana and is able to wield it to its potential. However, before he can wield this force there had to be rules. A silent unbreakable code that had to be adhered to before Mana could reveal its secrets.
- Mana cannot be created or destroyed it only changes forms.
- As your knowledge and understanding of Mana grows so does the strength of the magic you can produce.
- Everything contains Mana and once that Mana is expended it must take time for it to replenish.
- There are certain forces that cannot be altered with magic such as Time.
- The future is ever changing. It is possible to see into the future but nothing is certain.
With his command of mana he is able to wield previously unimaginable power and while he still is no match for a true God his knowledge can only grow the more he learns. As strange as they are mortals also possess mana although in far smaller amounts than those of divine nature. These individual with an abundance are often called to greatness through one means or another and while there is potential for good there is also potential for evil. As the conduit for which Mana flows Ikarus takes it upon himself to maintain what he calls the Great Balance of power. Too much good breeds weakness and complacency while too much evil breeds suffering and despair. Only through the Great Balance and greatness succeed and true progress made.
P E R S O N A L I A
P A R E N T A G E
Ikarus was not born in the conventional way, in order to understand his conception one must first understand his First Birth. His origins can be traced to Sartravius, born from the spite and flame of Múspelheim. In this savage state his thoughts on revolved around pleasing and obeying his master and he found contentment in that. When the dragons were released upon Galbar some did not return and instead stayed on the middle sphere and became known as the Free Dragons. The one that would become Ikarus was one of them.
Lifetimes would pass and the savage Ikarus would fall into the hands of another god, this time Desolation saw fit use him. Infusing this savage beast with his own essence Orvus sought another chance at creation and thought to use another divine creature to do so.
Lifetimes would pass and the savage Ikarus would fall into the hands of another god, this time Desolation saw fit use him. Infusing this savage beast with his own essence Orvus sought another chance at creation and thought to use another divine creature to do so.
P E R S O N A
Ikarus is the definition of commanding. Mortals fall completely under his sway while his peers and superiors acknowledge him. His command of Mana allows him to have a greater understanding of the potential mortals have. While Ikarus knows that mortals have so much potential he also knows that that same potential can be turned towards dark and destructive paths and only the truly strong can resist the temptation of power and use that power to lead. It was this ideal that shaped his view.
Power is a corrupting factor and those who have unrestricted access to it almost always fall to its corrupting influence. In order to prevent this, Ikarus chose a certain set of standards in order to prevent this from happening. He would grant certain mortals a modicum of his Mana and teach certain magics and if it becomes too much to handle he would remove their Mana. Those who handle it well but become abusive Ikarus would remove the mortal, but if a mortal could wield the power and rule fairly and justly then they would have the right to rule.
While Mana grants Ikarus overwhelming presence it also gives him unbelievable power in the form of raw magic. While magic itself is nothing new, Mana grants a greater focus to spells and a certain potency. Ikarus understands this power and has no trouble unleashing it to test the metal of those who he grants power. He has no trouble to playing the villain if it allows for true power to flourish and will forge those he deems worthy in the fires of conflict.
True kings are something not naturally found in mortal society and once they are made it may be difficult for one to remain. The Prime Magician holds himself to the standard that all true rulers ought to hold to. He is strong, just, slow to action and quick to strike decisively when needed. All these things, however, do not make him cruel. To those who seek his counsel he offers sound advice, to those who seek mercy he offers sanctuary, and to those who seek justice he offers retribution. All these things a king must have in order to rule effectively and justly and without these The Great Wyrm will descend upon them.
W O R D O F C O D E
Entropic Entropic
coGM
BBeast Scientific
Member
Seen
5 mos ago
@Archangel89
So, let us step through this review piece by piece. I'm aware that we have had some substantial private communications, but keep in mind that the Character Sheet (and the wiki article derived from it after approval) is what everyone will be looking at when they need information about your character.
The appearance is decent, but lacks overall scale. Ikarus could be anything from 2 metres to 200 metres from your description. I know you have an idea for scale, so it would be nice to let everyone else know what that scale is.
You've sorted out a parentage. This is good. We don't have any comments there.
Now, Mana. We have been looking for a god of magic, this is true, but it is important that any implementations of a demigod of magic are done properly and fairly. We like how you are establishing a system which is open to public use and is general enough to support a broad framework of magic systems. The link between Mana and charisma is particularly flavoursome. However, there are some aspects that need to be addressed and clarified in your CS.
- Remove the link between Mana and godly power. Gods function independently of Mana. Some godly actions might use Mana, but they don't have to. Gods would still have the power to wield more Mana than non-gods.
- Make clear that Ikarus is merely a source of Mana (albeit a big one), rather than the source of Mana.
- We would rather the 'Mana cannot be created or destroyed' clause be relaxed. Having a fixed quantity of Mana in the entire universe has implications which might be troublesome. And from an IC perspective it would be nigh impossible to verify conservation of Mana on a universal scale.
- Indicate what different 'forms' of Mana means.
- Describe how Mana is used to cast spells.
- Indicate what Mana can actually be used for. 'Magic' is an ill-defined term. 'Virtually anything' (within limits and given adequate skill, knowledge and Mana) is a valid answer, by the way, but it is currently not clear from your CS.
- Put all of your descriptions of Ikarus' Portfolio-related powers in the Portfolio section.
In general, we'd like some clarity and conciseness. Currently the CS has the description of Mana and the Mana Portfolio split between the Portfolio section and the Persona section. You are attempting to define a new universal force. You must be precise, clear and comprehensive in your description, because the player base will tear a hole in every fault and gap you leave in your written description.
Regarding "Mana ... gives him unbelievable power in the form of raw magic", I'll comment that all gods (and demigods) wield unimaginable and unbelievable power. Having a broad Portfolio simply distributes that power around more evenly (and thus more weakly), rather than being specialised in a single field. You probably already know this, but I wanted to repeat it just so there is no confusion.
I will also note that granting magic powers typically falls under "2 Might: Confer a single extraordinary or powerful ability upon a species or set of people", "1 Might: Teach people an idea or technology" or (for single people) "1 Might: Censure or praise." This is just for your information so you know where teaching magic fits into the Might mechanics.
Now, the Personality. You've picked a solid archetype to build a character around. A keeper of balance should give you plenty of plot-fodder and potential conflict to have, so I feel that Ikarus will have enough inter-personal plot to keep things interesting on that front. How Ikarus bestows the right to rule by granting tangible magical powers which can be used to help legitimise their rule (by force or otherwise) rather than some sort of vague 'you're a leader now' is also a positive, since leadership skills and qualities are abstract and complicated and full of interpersonal interactions. A mortal who receives Ikarus' blessing still has to work to be a good king.
There is an issue with this: "Ikarus is the definition of commanding. Mortals fall completely under his sway while his peers and superiors acknowledge him." Even having mere mortals fall 'completely under his sway' automatically is beyond the capabilities of demigods (and even, to an extent, gods) without spending MP on some kind of ability or aura. Note that Mana as defined is too broad to have a significant free boost to Ikarus' ability to command mortals; Mana is magic first, charisma second as I see it. And note that there are many major mortal player characters (in a player-driven RP like this one, one could argue that NPCs don't exist, only major/minor/background characters). As Mutton said, players are free to have their characters respond to Ikarus however they like. As such, you might like to tone down this part slightly to seem less like mind-control and more like being charismatic.
We have a good start for a personality, but if I take out all the bits which should actually be in the Portfolio section not much is left besides being regal and acting as a judge of kings. We've got his core values, which is good, but overall the personality is still rather brief. Can we get some mannerisms? Can we get some flaws? Some secondary character traits? Do not tack on bits and pieces for the sake of tacking on bits and pieces, because you won't play those. Rather consider how to expand Ikarus to be a more rounded character. If you want some personal suggestions/prompts: Power corrupts, and Ikarus has tonnes of power. How does he cope with it? Ikarus has a clear ideology for what a king should be like. How rigid are these ideals? Ikarus claims to be a king. How does he respond to those who don't respect his title? We understand that it is unreasonable (and possibly counter-productive) to have every single facet of your character defined from the beginning, but it would be nice to see some evidence of character depth and room to develop.
Overall, the concept is good. It just needs some refining and redrafting before we approve it. Post your next version of the CS here when ready, and don't hesitate to contact us if you want to discuss anything further.
The appearance is decent, but lacks overall scale. Ikarus could be anything from 2 metres to 200 metres from your description. I know you have an idea for scale, so it would be nice to let everyone else know what that scale is.
You've sorted out a parentage. This is good. We don't have any comments there.
Now, Mana. We have been looking for a god of magic, this is true, but it is important that any implementations of a demigod of magic are done properly and fairly. We like how you are establishing a system which is open to public use and is general enough to support a broad framework of magic systems. The link between Mana and charisma is particularly flavoursome. However, there are some aspects that need to be addressed and clarified in your CS.
- Remove the link between Mana and godly power. Gods function independently of Mana. Some godly actions might use Mana, but they don't have to. Gods would still have the power to wield more Mana than non-gods.
- Make clear that Ikarus is merely a source of Mana (albeit a big one), rather than the source of Mana.
- We would rather the 'Mana cannot be created or destroyed' clause be relaxed. Having a fixed quantity of Mana in the entire universe has implications which might be troublesome. And from an IC perspective it would be nigh impossible to verify conservation of Mana on a universal scale.
- Indicate what different 'forms' of Mana means.
- Describe how Mana is used to cast spells.
- Indicate what Mana can actually be used for. 'Magic' is an ill-defined term. 'Virtually anything' (within limits and given adequate skill, knowledge and Mana) is a valid answer, by the way, but it is currently not clear from your CS.
- Put all of your descriptions of Ikarus' Portfolio-related powers in the Portfolio section.
In general, we'd like some clarity and conciseness. Currently the CS has the description of Mana and the Mana Portfolio split between the Portfolio section and the Persona section. You are attempting to define a new universal force. You must be precise, clear and comprehensive in your description, because the player base will tear a hole in every fault and gap you leave in your written description.
Regarding "Mana ... gives him unbelievable power in the form of raw magic", I'll comment that all gods (and demigods) wield unimaginable and unbelievable power. Having a broad Portfolio simply distributes that power around more evenly (and thus more weakly), rather than being specialised in a single field. You probably already know this, but I wanted to repeat it just so there is no confusion.
I will also note that granting magic powers typically falls under "2 Might: Confer a single extraordinary or powerful ability upon a species or set of people", "1 Might: Teach people an idea or technology" or (for single people) "1 Might: Censure or praise." This is just for your information so you know where teaching magic fits into the Might mechanics.
Now, the Personality. You've picked a solid archetype to build a character around. A keeper of balance should give you plenty of plot-fodder and potential conflict to have, so I feel that Ikarus will have enough inter-personal plot to keep things interesting on that front. How Ikarus bestows the right to rule by granting tangible magical powers which can be used to help legitimise their rule (by force or otherwise) rather than some sort of vague 'you're a leader now' is also a positive, since leadership skills and qualities are abstract and complicated and full of interpersonal interactions. A mortal who receives Ikarus' blessing still has to work to be a good king.
There is an issue with this: "Ikarus is the definition of commanding. Mortals fall completely under his sway while his peers and superiors acknowledge him." Even having mere mortals fall 'completely under his sway' automatically is beyond the capabilities of demigods (and even, to an extent, gods) without spending MP on some kind of ability or aura. Note that Mana as defined is too broad to have a significant free boost to Ikarus' ability to command mortals; Mana is magic first, charisma second as I see it. And note that there are many major mortal player characters (in a player-driven RP like this one, one could argue that NPCs don't exist, only major/minor/background characters). As Mutton said, players are free to have their characters respond to Ikarus however they like. As such, you might like to tone down this part slightly to seem less like mind-control and more like being charismatic.
We have a good start for a personality, but if I take out all the bits which should actually be in the Portfolio section not much is left besides being regal and acting as a judge of kings. We've got his core values, which is good, but overall the personality is still rather brief. Can we get some mannerisms? Can we get some flaws? Some secondary character traits? Do not tack on bits and pieces for the sake of tacking on bits and pieces, because you won't play those. Rather consider how to expand Ikarus to be a more rounded character. If you want some personal suggestions/prompts: Power corrupts, and Ikarus has tonnes of power. How does he cope with it? Ikarus has a clear ideology for what a king should be like. How rigid are these ideals? Ikarus claims to be a king. How does he respond to those who don't respect his title? We understand that it is unreasonable (and possibly counter-productive) to have every single facet of your character defined from the beginning, but it would be nice to see some evidence of character depth and room to develop.
Overall, the concept is good. It just needs some refining and redrafting before we approve it. Post your next version of the CS here when ready, and don't hesitate to contact us if you want to discuss anything further.
Archangel89 NEZUKO-CHANNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!
Member
Seen
1 mo ago
@Muttonhawk@BBeast Ikarus mk.3
N A M E
G E N D E R
A L I G N M E N T
V I S A G E
P O R T F O L I O
P A R E N T A G E
P E R S O N A
W O R D O F C O D E
I K A R U S
Son of Desolation • The Great Wyrm • Chooser of Kings • Prime Magician • The Great Destroyer
M Y T H
N A M E
Ikarus
G E N D E R
Male
A L I G N M E N T
Lawful Neutral
V I S A G E
Ikarus is a dragon of regal standing. His commanding presence is magnified by his iridescent golden scales and expansive wingspan which extend to be 47 meters and his body from horn to tail spans 37 meters. His claws the length spears, his teeth like swords and his eyes radiates an overwhelming golden hue. In between his horns sets a single golden orb which is used to channel his power.
H Y M N S
P O R T F O L I O
Mana:. Every great individual wields a commanding presence that inspires others to follow without question. This force is Mana. The unseen presence of greatness and power which flows through great mortals giving untold power and ability. This force fuels magic throughout the spheres and while other godly beings have a more specific domain with magic, magic as a whole has largely been unexplored.This is where Ikarus comes into play.
Mana is ever changing and the forms it takes varies depending on its application. For example the basic elements of Galbar have their own forms of mana. Fire is chaotic and devouring its mana is always searching for something fuel it so it takes the Mana of whatever its around, water is flowing and calm and its Mana always returns to itself, earth is solid and sturdy and so it's Mana, and the wind is ever changing and its Mana is hard to control. Raw Mana is malleable and unstable which makes it difficult to handle. While it's possible to take raw Mana and change it into say a ball of fire the process to do so is a tricky process and could result in a backfire of the aforementioned ability.
Due to the strange nature of his "birth" Ikarus is able to see the previously unseen Mana and is able to wield it to its potential. However, before he can wield this force there had to be rules. A silent unbreakable code that had to be adhered to before Mana could reveal its secrets.
With his command of mana he is able to wield previously unimaginable power and while he still is no match for a true God his knowledge can only grow the more he learns. As strange as they are mortals also possess mana although in far smaller amounts than those of divine nature. These individual with an abundance are often called to greatness through one means or another and while there is potential for good there is also potential for evil. As the conduit for which Mana flows Ikarus takes it upon himself to maintain what he calls the Great Balance of power. Too much good breeds weakness and complacency while too much evil breeds suffering and despair. Only through the Great Balance and greatness succeed and true progress made.
Mana is ever changing and the forms it takes varies depending on its application. For example the basic elements of Galbar have their own forms of mana. Fire is chaotic and devouring its mana is always searching for something fuel it so it takes the Mana of whatever its around, water is flowing and calm and its Mana always returns to itself, earth is solid and sturdy and so it's Mana, and the wind is ever changing and its Mana is hard to control. Raw Mana is malleable and unstable which makes it difficult to handle. While it's possible to take raw Mana and change it into say a ball of fire the process to do so is a tricky process and could result in a backfire of the aforementioned ability.
Due to the strange nature of his "birth" Ikarus is able to see the previously unseen Mana and is able to wield it to its potential. However, before he can wield this force there had to be rules. A silent unbreakable code that had to be adhered to before Mana could reveal its secrets.
- Mana cannot be created or destroyed it only changes forms.
- As your knowledge and understanding of Mana grows so does the strength of the magic you can produce.
- Everything contains Mana and once that Mana is expended it must take time for it to replenish.
- There are certain forces that cannot be altered with magic such as Time.
- The future is ever changing. It is possible to see into the future but nothing is certain. Also while teleporting is possible it requires a great amount of energy to do so and must be approached with caution.
With his command of mana he is able to wield previously unimaginable power and while he still is no match for a true God his knowledge can only grow the more he learns. As strange as they are mortals also possess mana although in far smaller amounts than those of divine nature. These individual with an abundance are often called to greatness through one means or another and while there is potential for good there is also potential for evil. As the conduit for which Mana flows Ikarus takes it upon himself to maintain what he calls the Great Balance of power. Too much good breeds weakness and complacency while too much evil breeds suffering and despair. Only through the Great Balance and greatness succeed and true progress made.
P E R S O N A L I A
P A R E N T A G E
Ikarus was not born in the conventional way, in order to understand his conception one must first understand his First Birth. His origins can be traced to Sartravius, born from the spite and flame of Múspelheim. In this savage state his thoughts on revolved around pleasing and obeying his master and he found contentment in that. When the dragons were released upon Galbar some did not return and instead stayed on the middle sphere and became known as the Free Dragons. The one that would become Ikarus was one of them.
Lifetimes would pass and the savage Ikarus would fall into the hands of another god, this time Desolation saw fit use him. Infusing this savage beast with his own essence Orvus sought another chance at creation and thought to use another divine creature to do so.
Lifetimes would pass and the savage Ikarus would fall into the hands of another god, this time Desolation saw fit use him. Infusing this savage beast with his own essence Orvus sought another chance at creation and thought to use another divine creature to do so.
P E R S O N A
Ikarus has a commanding personality and holds himself to a certain set of rules that he believes that those of power should have. A firm believer in what he calls the Great Balance, he holds himself to neutrality so that neither good nor evil can truly prosper. The only thing that matters is the upholding of the Balance. While this is a decent goal to obtain it often leads Ikarus to come across as stiff or resistant to change which, depending on the deity, is either a humorous notion or a frustrating one.
Power is a corrupting factor and those who have unrestricted access to it almost always fall to its corrupting influence and Mana is the direct correlation of power. Ikarus knows that as a conduit for Mana among the spheres this applies to him more than anyone. It is this fear that drives him to maintain the Balance. The possibility of falling to the temptation to wield this power to his advantage, for good or bad could result complete disturbance of power. The pantheon is full of unbelievable power and to date all of it has been used on personal gain and Ikarus refuses to become like the other divine. Instead he plans of growing and creating something that will last for the betterment of all. Ikarus is a hardworking and studious sort believing that if you plan to be in power you need to know everything that you can.
Mana grants unbelievable power to those who would wield it and as such Ikarus distrusts others with it. While the gods certainly do not need Mana to be capable of immeasurable feats of destructive power, Mana would add to their repertoire as well as boost their abilities significantly and until one learns to wield it properly it should be kept in as few hands as possible. For all his abilities of kindness and understanding Ikarus has more than double that in his mistrust and disbelief of the pantheon save for his Father who he trusts completely. Ikarus ia slow to trust amd quick to cast judgement which makes it very difficult for him to get along with others.
True kings are something not naturally found in society and once they are made it may be difficult for one to remain. The Prime Magician holds himself to the standard that all true rulers ought to hold to. He is strong, just, slow to action and quick to strike decisively when needed. All these things, however, do not make him cruel. To those who seek his counsel he offers sound advice, to those who seek mercy he offers sanctuary, and to those who seek justice he offers retribution. All these things a king must have in order to rule effectively and justly and without these The Great Wyrm will descend upon them.
Power is a corrupting factor and those who have unrestricted access to it almost always fall to its corrupting influence and Mana is the direct correlation of power. Ikarus knows that as a conduit for Mana among the spheres this applies to him more than anyone. It is this fear that drives him to maintain the Balance. The possibility of falling to the temptation to wield this power to his advantage, for good or bad could result complete disturbance of power. The pantheon is full of unbelievable power and to date all of it has been used on personal gain and Ikarus refuses to become like the other divine. Instead he plans of growing and creating something that will last for the betterment of all. Ikarus is a hardworking and studious sort believing that if you plan to be in power you need to know everything that you can.
Mana grants unbelievable power to those who would wield it and as such Ikarus distrusts others with it. While the gods certainly do not need Mana to be capable of immeasurable feats of destructive power, Mana would add to their repertoire as well as boost their abilities significantly and until one learns to wield it properly it should be kept in as few hands as possible. For all his abilities of kindness and understanding Ikarus has more than double that in his mistrust and disbelief of the pantheon save for his Father who he trusts completely. Ikarus ia slow to trust amd quick to cast judgement which makes it very difficult for him to get along with others.
True kings are something not naturally found in society and once they are made it may be difficult for one to remain. The Prime Magician holds himself to the standard that all true rulers ought to hold to. He is strong, just, slow to action and quick to strike decisively when needed. All these things, however, do not make him cruel. To those who seek his counsel he offers sound advice, to those who seek mercy he offers sanctuary, and to those who seek justice he offers retribution. All these things a king must have in order to rule effectively and justly and without these The Great Wyrm will descend upon them.
W O R D O F C O D E
Entropic Entropic
coGM
Muttonhawk Let Slip the Corgis of War
Member
Seen
22 hrs ago
@Archangel89 Thanks for your patience, Ikarus is ready to go. Consider yourself accepted.
Welcome to Divinus!
Welcome to Divinus!
ItMeGritty A Friend
Member
Seen
4 yrs ago
finally
a place to feast upon the gods
a place to feast upon the gods
Lord Zee I lost the game
Member
Seen
20 hrs ago
I'm sorry, but, who are you?
6 Guests
viewing this page
of
18
© 2007-2024