[Withdrawn] Garen Zi, Sith Apprentice, Teräs Käsi Master

[Tim]

OoC

How long do you usually write?

Usually a couple of paragraphs if it's a response, but several if it's a solo post.

Do you enjoy writing collaborative posts for things like conversations, combat, etc.?

Sure.

Is grammar and depth of writing important to you?

I mean, I suppose so. Grammar is a straight "pass/fail" kinda thing, but I can't really blame anyone for not being a very deep writer.

Are there any writing subjects you particularly enjoy exploring?

I guess writing dialogue is pretty cool. So Character Interaction, I figure.

Is there anything you really dislike and want to avoid like the plague?

People taking my character in a direction I don't really want. Like weaksauce battles or sudden mass murder. Or worse, befriending a Jedi. Eugh.

Also graphic love scenes. I mean, if he's gonna be in one, don't expect me to write anything in-depth. Not good at writing them anyway, my best shot is "*Seduces you*".

Is there something you are uncomfortable with happening to your character?

I mean, I'd be pretty sad if he died. But that ain't up to me, mostly.

Do you have any short-term or long-term goals with this character?

Short-term: Learn more force techniques and fight some Jedi, to gain favor and power

Long-term: Be able to reliably beat a skilled Jedi in a duel, without using a lightsaber

Imperial personnel files

Name: Garen Zi

Species: Human

Pureblood percentage: 0%

Homeworld: Bunduki

Age: 25

Gender: Male

Rank: Apprentice

Master: Yaw Shondu

Former master(s): Toff Ozai (Teräs Käsi)

Sphere of influence: N/A

Imperial Intelligence Reports

_{Detailed appearance.}

Garen is an apex of human form. He stands at a little over 6 feet, his body muscular and toned from years of training, and scars scattered all over from various fights, from knives to blasters to improvised weapons. His hands are that of a laborer's, rough in general and calloused on the knuckles. His upper back holds a tattoo, tribal in design. He keeps his head and beard shaved to a stubble to avoid any disadvantage in a fight, where the black hair would usually grow medium length and wild. He has deep dark eyes, which clash against his pale skin, and bears strong facial features.

_{Report on natural ability with the Force, as well as all known Force Techniques and the skill level.}

Upon testing, it is shown that Garen has an above-average Midi-Chlorian count, but almost no prior training in the Force. That being said, he seems to connect certain techniques with those of his Teräs Käsi teachings, simplifying things. Known Techniques are as follows:

Force Speed: Known, Untrained Talent
Telekinesis: Trained Talent
Force Throw: Trained Talent
Telekinetic Defense: Trained Talent
Force Sight (Basic): Trained Talent
Force Sense: Trained Talent
Precognition: Known, Untrained Talent
Force Jump: Basic Training
Force Choke: Intermediate Training
Breath Control/Hibernation Trance: Undiscovered Innate Talent
Force Lightning: No Training (current study)
Force Empathy: No Training (secondary study)

_{Report on skills not directly rooted in the Force, including level of skill}

Garen has shown to exhibit a skilled amount of patience and level-headedness. His Teräs Käsi training has instilled this trait.

Garen appears to have a sharp, tactical mind. While not "smart", he seems to always be thinking many steps ahead when presented a challenge. When questioned, he explained that during tournaments, he had to plan for what moves his opponents might attack with.

_{Report on known combat experience, training and lightsaber training.}

Garen, while having no prior lightaber training, appears to be highly skilled at disarming saber-wielding opponents. He specializes in Teräs Käsi, a fighting style native to his home planet, Bunduki, which was created to fight Jedi (in response to the destruction of Palawa, the peoples' original planet). It appears to work just as effectively on all opponents using a lightsaber.

Background checks indicate that Garen has been the champion in Bunduki's own Teräs Käsi tournaments, consecutively, for 3 years. Other reports indicate that, during his time on Tatooine, he's come out victorious in every deadly encounter he has taken part in, with various sources citing opponents' use of blades, claws, blasters, et cetera, while Garen remained unarmed.

After his recruitment, Garen, reluctantly, studied the Form III "Soresu" style of lightsaber combat. He's trained in a basic capacity, most likely due to his own dislike of saber combat.

_{Detailed notes on political influence and associates.}

Garen has no known participation of any sort of politics on Bunduki. He continues to show limited interest in the politics of The Empire.

_{Detailed notes on known rivals and enemies, outside and within the Empire.}

Garen has displayed an open negative view on the Jedi Order, much more so than the populace of Bunduki. He claims that he can never forgive the Jedi for "destroying our planet and dumping us in the Outer Rim".

Despite the many fights he's been in, none of the enemy combatants have shown any significant malice or hate towards Garen, some even expressing respect (begrudging or otherwise).

The only people in particular who Garen dislikes specifically are a small group of smugglers, known to operate in the Outer Rim. Strong feelings of betrayal. (See Biography)

_{List and description of other known associates, including underlings.}

Garen's former Teräs Käsi master, Toff Ozai, still resides on Bunduki and continues to train the natives.

_{List of known all ownerships, including vessels, non-standard equipment, slaves and locations.}

Garen's home on Bunduki, as well as his livings on Tatooine, were spartan at best.

As a gift for completing his lightsaber training, Sith Lord Yaw Shondu gave Garen a pair of Gauntlets, the armguards and hand made of Phrik and the palm of Cortosis, protecting his forearms and hands from lightsaber blows and allowing him to disable caught sabers. When questioned about this expensive present, Lord Shondu claimed that it was not a gift, but an investment: he'd commissioned the gauntlets to make up for Garen's mediocre saber skills.

_{Psychological evaluation of candidate.}

Garen has displayed a likeable and friendly personality. He has shown to not want or desire that of the material. Unlike the common citizen of the Empire, Garen frequently expresses mercy. More training is needed to phase these values out. As a positive note, he is well-liked by those of the lower class, strengthening morale.

This being said, if his enduring patience is broken, Garen can have a raging temper. Several reports on Bunduki as well as his own account on Tatooine confirm this. While he hasn't yet lost his temper during his service to the Empire, this trait can be used to our advantage, if manipulated correctly.

Garen's only true desire is to become more powerful. The Sith Empire is, by code, created for desires like these. The Empire can give this man all the power he could ever need, and as such, can steer him in the directions most beneficial for The Dark Council.

_{List and description of known and suspected flaws. To be put into restricted database.}

Garen has shown a negative disposition in using his lightsaber, and as such, in the case of 1-on-1 duels and fights in which he has the clear advantage, he will use only Teräs Käsi, using the saber as a last resort in these cases. This can prove dangerous if dueling a skilled opponent.

Garen's disinterest in politics will hinder his growth in the Empire. He needs to learn this if he wishes to ever become a greater Sith.

Garen's personality is not ideal for the Sith Empire. His softness and merciful attitude, not only an affront to the basis of the Empire, will also impair his progress towards greatness, or worse.

_{known interests of the candidate.}

Garen's interests are, through questioning and observation, as follows:

Sparring
Meditation
Exercise
Friendly Conversation
Reading
Holochess

_{Major achievements on record.}

Enabled many Sith civilians to escape a collapsing building on Korriban (five stories high, cause of collapse under investigation), using The Force to keep the vital structures stable.

_{Major failures on record. Confidential.}

During a political mission to Kamino, an unknown assassin attempted to take the life of Yaw Shondu. Unsuccessful, Garen pursued the fleeing assassin, but ultimately failed to capture the target.

Interview

_{Personal biography, as detailed by the candidate for use in imperial archives. Acquired shortly after last achievement of note.}

Garen Zi was born on the planet Bunduki in 3672. His parents, much like most of the planet's population, were members of The Followers of Palawa, an ancient order that had once studied the Force on their home planet of Palawa, before it's destruction at the hands of the Jedi. Garen was trained at an early age the fighting style of Teräs Käsi, as were all children of The Followers, under the lessons of Toff Ozai. He was exceptionally skilled, and was able to go most bouts without taking noticeable damage. In hindsight, this is most likely due to his latent force abilities. On that note, it is unknown if the Followers knew of the boy's force potential: all records gathered by Sith Intelligence show no sign of any prior force training. Strangely, not even a standard Midi-Chlorian test was on his record. Further investigation is required.

At 13, when he'd reached an age where he could understand, he was told his people's past, the fate of Palawa, and the reason for Teräs Käsi. He hadn't taken the news exceptionally well. The Jedi had destroyed his people's home planet, stranding them on some remote replacement far from the Core Worlds, and he was angry at them. It took him a while to get over this initial anger, but he has never forgiven the Jedi. His reaction to the history is more extreme than others on his planet have taken it. Garen himself reported that he had met and fought a few Jedi in the following years, but refused to speak with them or interact outside of combat. It is theorized that these Jedi had sensed his connection to the Force during battle, and may have attempted to recruit him.

By the time he was 16, he had already won many tournaments held on Bunduki, earning him the praise of his peers and the respect of other Teräs Käsi users. He'd just won the official tournament for the first time. At around the same time, however, his father had fallen ill, and after a few months of a bedridden state, succumbed to this unknown illness.

For the next couple of years, Garen expressed sentiment to leave Bunduki. He was reportedly the strongest fighter on the planet, and his desire for power could no longer be fueled on his home planet. At 18, having met the crew of a supply ship and arranged for a position aboard, he said his goodbyes to his mother and friends, packed whatever essentials he had, and left aboard the ship.

Recording: "Spacebound"

"I just felt very... Stagnant, on Bunduki. Going to the same places, talking to the same people, doing the same things over and over... I felt as if I wasn't really challenging myself anymore. So, after my birthday, I promised myself: Next ship that comes by, I'm getting on it."

"And so you did. Tell us about the ship that came by. About what you did after you left."

"Well, it wasn't a week that passed aboard when I found out they were smugglers, just hired to supply my planet. But we had a deal, so I did my part, and things went smoothly. And, I will admit, the few months I spent with them were pretty enjoyable. Saw a lot of places. Eriadu, Farstine. Terminus, too. Strange place... But after that... Well, I wish I hadn't been so naïve..."

6 months after joining the crew, the ship had stopped on Tatooine, in the settlement of Anchorhead. Refueling, picking up supplies, delivering others. The smugglers had decided to rest here, purchasing some lodging for the night.

Recording: "Stranded"

"So we all had drinks, had a good time, and went to bed. I don't know why or how I woke up so early the next day, maybe it was just routine, maybe it was some sort of fate trying to warn me... Anyway, I woke up early, did some stretches, and went to check on the others, knocked on their doors and everything. I remember feeling like a nuisance for trying to wake them so early. No replies from anyone, so I decided to step outside, kill some time. But I was stopped at the door by the owner of the place. 'Slept in, huh?' he said. 'What do you mean?' I asked. 'Your buddies left not too long ago. Might be able to catch up.'..."

"So you were just informed that your crew-mates had left, you having knocked on doors to empty rooms. How did you respond?"

"... I panicked, ran outside back to where the ship was parked just outside of town. I was thinking that I had messed up somehow, that I missed some important detail last night and had run late. When I got there, I saw them packing up the last of the supplies. I shouted at them, waving my arms around like an idiot as I ran towards them, 'Hey! Sorry I'm late! Hold on a second!'. And they saw me, and just... ran inside the ship. Closed the ramp. The ship had started up as well, lifting off the ground, and I got a look into the cockpit. I made eye contact with the Captain, and the ship kept taking off... And then I realized that they were going to leave me. Purposefully. I reached out at them, futile, grasping at them like a child trying to grab the moon... And that's when I felt... Strange."

"Strange?"

"Yes. I couldn't really explain it at the time. The ship had stopped moving, hanging in the air like someone had captured the moment. For a brief instance, I thought they were going to land, welcome me back on, explain that it was some sort of cruel joke... but then the engines kicked into full, and the ship shot up into the sky. Gone in a couple of seconds. I stopped, looked up at the sky for what seemed like an eternity, and..."

"And?"

"... Well, I threw a tantrum. Kicking the sand, pounding my fists, cursing, screaming into the nothing. For about half an hour. Then I made my way back into town."

After his abandonment, Garen spent the next five years in Anchorhead. Whatever meager possessions he had were on the ship, leaving him with nothing but the clothes on his back and the credits in his pocket. He attempted to gain passage back to Bunduki through various passing ships, but to no avail. Whatever ship that didn't deny him asked too high a price. His time on Tatooine had exposed the young man to the true scum and villiany that plagues the galaxy. He was in a fight almost every day, be it a bar fight or a robbery. He worked for scraps, knowing he was being cheated, but his determination allowed him to contruct a small shack on the outskirts of the settlement. Slowly, Garen gained a reputation on Anchorhead. He was a hard worker, generally polite, and never lost a fight. He also practiced some of his force abilities, simply lifting objects and such.

Garen, 23 at this point, was working as hired muscle for the very same cantina he'd celebrated in on his first day, years ago. At the same time, in the same place, Sith Lord Yaw Shondu was holding a casual meeting with some bounty hunters for a clandestine mission. Some of the patrons had gotten a bit violent, and it was up to Garen to neutralize them.

Recording: "A Real Challenge"

"I'd walked over to the group that was causing trouble. 4 guys, hired guns, must've just hit it big with some job because they were buying drinks left and right. They start getting violent with some of the other patrons, so I stepped in. Tried talking them down, get them to leave: one spit in my face. At that point, I knew that they must have not been from around there. Hit the spitter in the jaw, caught his arm and dislocated it, then hit him in the jaw again, and he was out. So his friends step in, I counter attack, et cetera. I don't remember the details, I'd been in so many that they all sort of just blend together, but they all end the same: I barely have a scratch on me, and everyone else is injured. One of them even pulled out a knife, as if it would help him not get his wrist broken. So it's just me and the last one, he most likely has a few cracked ribs but powers through, props to him. He reaches into the satchel on his hip, I think he's going for a blaster or something so I approach him. He pulled it out faster, though, and I sure am glad he did."

"And what was it that he retrieved from his bag?"

"A lightsaber. A damn lightsaber. Started boasting about how he killed a man for it or something, wasn't really paying attention. I was just so... thrilled. I was finally fighting someone who I was made to fight. All my training had led up to this moment."

"You felt no fear at all? The lightsaber is an extremely deadly weapon."

"Well, perhaps. I had considered the possibility of getting sliced in half for a moment, but I was confident in my abilities. After years of repetitive drunken brawls and boring street fights, I had a very unique sentiment: 'Finally, a real challenge!'"

After a few moments of circling each other and feeling defenses, they both attacked. Garen was able to dodge each saber strike and land a blow with each miss. The wielder backed away, battered, and closed up his defense, not giving Garen an opening. In response, Garen used The Force to throw a bottle at the back of the man's head, stunning him, and allowing Garen to land the finishing blow.

Yaw Shondu had seen enough. He ended his meeting, approached Garen, and immediately offered Garen a position as an apprentice. Offered a chance to improve his skills further and harness the power of The Force, he accepted.

It has been two years since that day. Garen is currently 25. At Shondu's side in most instances, his training has been progressing well, but he still has much to learn.

[Ezekiel]

Just a few notes.

It's quite interesting to see someone create a character connected to the Followers of Palawa during a time period they're not really touched upon, a fun idea to explore. That said, I have a few main pieces of feedback for the sheet;

1. It seems really unlikely that the Followers wouldn't have been aware of his force potential and trained him in such, they are, after all, an order dedicated to the study of the Force, simply in a different way to the Jedi. While in the Prequel Era and beyond they seem more anti-force, this is years before then, so I don't believe they would have transitioned to that yet.

2. He seems, really powerful. To, by 18, be a five times world champion on a planet dedicated to martial arts seems something of an impossible feat. Combined with his extensive, if untrained, force powers. I'd probably tone down his level of success somewhat.

3. The way in which he joins the Sith seems super convenient and 'by chance' and makes it seem cheap. I think it's worth pointing out that the Sith Empire actively pursues/captures force users to take them back to Korriban to join the academy. It seems far more likely he'd be picked up by Sith in that manner, while he was on Tatooine, rather than singled out by chance on the planet itself.

Anyway, just my thoughts, if those can be addressed I'd be more than happy to accept it.

[Tim]

@Ezekiel

Okay, thanks for the response. I'll change the status to WIP and give you a teg when I'm done, but I'm gonna address these real quick before changing the sheet:

1. That is a very good point. I didn't really think of themlike that. Sorta had the mindset of "they know how the force works, so they know the best why to fight Jedi" and not just "they know how the force works". Just sorta figured it was a young Anakin deal where he never actively used the force, so they didn't notice, focusing on the martial art.

2. If that seems too powerful, then you're probably right. Just really wanted to emphasize that he's probably up there with the strongest Teräs Käsi fighters. Like at least top 10. So I can change it to maybe the last 2-3 years he was the champion, but I just sorta show how he was always getting stronger, and when he hit the plateau for strength, he wanted to leave.

3. Okay two things about this one:

a. I didn't really know enough about the Sith Academy, so I didn't really wanna touch it.

b. I also really didn't want him to be, like... Taken against his will? I mean, he already sees the Jedi as evil, and I figured that if the Sith sort of trick him into thinking The Empire are the good guys, it would be more beneficial. I mean, he probably no doubt spent some time at the academy (for basic force understanding, then continued under his master), but I just don't believe that any Sith that witnesses his fighting potential and can sense his hatred for the Jedi, like, WOULDN'T try to trick him into coming of his own volition. Plus, I don't think there's anything wrong with a Sith Lord just picking up an apprentice. Unless I'm wrong and that's not a thing.

Also, I wasn't really sure how The Empire tracks force users, so I didn't really wanna touch that either. I mean, Tatooine isn't really a Sith world, so they'd have to be sending people out. And I mean, of course there's been Sith ON Tatooine, probably to meet with smugglers and bounty hunters or something, but this is probably just the first time one has seen Garen in a fight. I dunno. I could just be making excuses. Sorry.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback! I'll change my sheet when I can.

[Ruby]

@Ezekiel

Okay, thanks for the response. I'll change the status to WIP and give you a teg when I'm done, but I'm gonna address these real quick before changing the sheet:

1. That is a very good point. I didn't really think of themlike that. Sorta had the mindset of "they know how the force works, so they know the best why to fight Jedi" and not just "they know how the force works". Just sorta figured it was a young Anakin deal where he never actively used the force, so they didn't notice, focusing on the martial art.

2. If that seems too powerful, then you're probably right. Just really wanted to emphasize that he's probably up there with the strongest Teräs Käsi fighters. Like at least top 10. So I can change it to maybe the last 2-3 years he was the champion, but I just sorta show how he was always getting stronger, and when he hit the plateau for strength, he wanted to leave.

3. Okay two things about this one:

a. I didn't really know enough about the Sith Academy, so I didn't really wanna touch it.

b. I also really didn't want him to be, like... Taken against his will? I mean, he already sees the Jedi as evil, and I figured that if the Sith sort of trick him into thinking The Empire are the good guys, it would be more beneficial. I mean, he probably no doubt spent some time at the academy (for basic force understanding, then continued under his master), but I just don't believe that any Sith that witnesses his fighting potential and can sense his hatred for the Jedi, like, WOULDN'T try to trick him into coming of his own volition. Plus, I don't think there's anything wrong with a Sith Lord just picking up an apprentice. Unless I'm wrong and that's not a thing.

Also, I wasn't really sure how The Empire tracks force users, so I didn't really wanna touch that either. I mean, Tatooine isn't really a Sith world, so they'd have to be sending people out. And I mean, of course there's been Sith ON Tatooine, probably to meet with smugglers and bounty hunters or something, but this is probably just the first time one has seen Garen in a fight. I dunno. I could just be making excuses. Sorry.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback! I'll change my sheet when I can.

@Tim

Check out my Selene WIP CS.

Dark sider not officially with the Sith, but I have to plant seeds in the CS that the Sith will get their damn hands on her, because...it's the Sith Empire.

Taken against will can turn into really really fun games, and make Sith who aren't always so happy about the Empire's status quo.

Just a similar situation you might wanna check out.

[Tim]

<Snipped quote by Tim>

Check out my Selene WIP CS.

Dark sider not officially with the Sith, but I have to plant seeds in the CS that the Sith will get their damn hands on her, because...it's the Sith Empire.

Taken against will can turn into really really fun games, and make Sith who aren't always so happy about the Empire's status quo.

Just a similar situation you might wanna check out.

@Ruby

Yeah, I read over it a while ago (just did a quick re-read to be sure) and I definitely would not want to be her when the Sith come for her.

I myself was kinda implying that, even though his naïvaté has literally almost been the death of him, Garen is still naïve enough to believe that the Sith are the good guys, and really the tipping point for him is if he can learn to shake this before the Sith can manipulate him past the point of no return or not. Kinda shows the more subtle villiany of the Sith. Or something like that, I dunno.

But I realize that not everything on the sheet is up to par and that I haven't really been thinking enough with my big ol' brain. I definitely have to consider my next moves...

[Ruby]

<Snipped quote by Ruby>

Yeah, I read over it a while ago (just did a quick re-read to be sure) and I definitely would not want to be her when the Sith come for her.

I myself was kinda implying that, even though his naïvaté has literally almost been the death of him, Garen is still naïve enough to believe that the Sith are the good guys, and really the tipping point for him is if he can learn to shake this before the Sith can manipulate him past the point of no return or not. Kinda shows the more subtle villiany of the Sith. Or something like that, I dunno.

But I realize that not everything on the sheet is up to par and that I haven't really been thinking enough with my big ol' brain. I definitely have to consider my next moves...

@Tim

I think it shows his youth that he's see it in blanket terms of good and evil which is cool.

So you then propose your approach to how the Sith bring him in.

[Tim]

<Snipped quote by Tim>

I think it shows his youth that he's see it in blanket terms of good and evil which is cool.

So you then propose your approach to how the Sith bring him in.

@Ruby

I thought I did that. Sith is there on business, Sith witness potential and senses hatred of Jedi when the sabers start glowin' , Sith uses hatred and naïvaté to convince him to join voluntarily, knowing that even if he refuses, the Sith Kidnapping Squad can come pick him up. I don't think it was all that coincidental, because y'know it was only a matter of time before someone with Sith relations noticed his subtle force powers, and Anchorhead is pretty much the place to be to hire some Scum and Villiany for dastardly deeds.

But, I mean, if that's too much of a stretch, I can think of something else. Just gonna take a bit for the cogs to turn.

[Ruby]

I'm fine with it though the other points of Zeke's remain.

[Tim]

@Ezekiel

Okie doke, changed the first few paragraphs of the bio slightly to accomodate the first two points. The second point was easy enough, just changed it from 5 years to 3 years.

The first point actually made me think, though, because it was really good one. Sorta pushed me to make a deeper backstory and a plot reason for him to go back to Bunduki. So, y'know, I'd actually like to thank you for pointing that out.

Get to it when you can. No rush.

[Ellri]

Review of Garen Zi:
1. Grammar and Formatting.
Imperial Personnel Files section: get the section contents out of the headers, remove excess line breaks.
Appearance: "His hands are that of a laborer's", → His hands are like those of a laborer
‘Calloused on the knuckles’ → callused knuckles
Achievements section: using The Force → using the Force
Interview: smaller numbers are typically spelled out. Only when you go above 101 or so do you start using numerals.
The Recording passages would probably look better as quotes than as hiders.

2. Immersion violations.
Tribal tattoo, is that not Earthly in origin? How does this tie into the Followers of Palawa?

3. The Force.
We’re largely avoiding the topic of Midi-chlorians in the PG, due to the fact that some people hate the idea of them. Additionally, they’re not really known to the Jedi Order yet, with them using other means for identifying Force-sensitives. We suggest simply saying his strength in the force is above average.

His innate talent can be for Breath Control, not hibernation trance, as the latter is a highly advanced form of the former.
Nice to see a sheet that hasn’t gone over-the-top on training level… however, he does seem to have a lot of innate talents. Might be wise to change a few of those to just training. Currently two-thirds of his techniques are talents.

Certain things like precognition fall in under basic training for all trained force-sensitives, even if it is just to improve reflexes. Considering his near-mastery of a form of martial arts, he would almost certainly have trained this. Anything related to acrobatics/athletics are techniques likely to fall in under his Teräs Käsi training. To maintain the balance of skills, we suggest reducing Force Throw to a more basic level.

4. Other skills.
Can he fly ships? Pilot any vehicles? Is he a good shot? Can he slice computer systems? Cook nerf steaks? Sew? etc.

5. Combat experience and training.
Since the Followers of Palawa train especially to counter Jedi, we would imagine that he has at least a basic understanding of most forms, albeit most likely focused towards countering them, rather than using them himself.

As mentioned by another GM, we’d also recommend that you reduce his level of success somewhat, spice it up with a bit of failure and some stand-offs where neither side succeeded. Give him some events he had to learn from to become better. Perhaps the sources for some of his scars.

Additionally, his history of being three-times world-champion by the age of eighteen is a bit implausible… But rather than cut it down further in duration, we have an alternate suggestion: Bring in age brackets. Make him the best in his age group and perhaps have him have proved himself better than people in the bracket above too. It is not all that likely for someone of the age he was to have beaten everyone of all ages three years in a row at a martial arts. Raw talent can only compensate for so much real experience. He’ll still be pretty badass, and he’ll have more room to grow.

Why did he only reluctantly study form III?

6. Politics & Associates.
What sort of person is his master in the Empire? Is it one that avoid politics too, or is it one that takes care of that stuff for his/her apprentices?

Has he met any of the other Sith? Any of the non-Sith?

7. Ownerships.
Those gauntlets? Overpowered. Ridiculously so.
You can have gauntlets covered in cortosis weave, but you need express permission from GMs for pure cortosis, as that is extremely rare to see. It is not something that would be given to a mere apprentice for a minor achievement like lightsaber training. The gauntlets you described would be worth a fortune.

Replace them with just plain old cortosis weave, and it’ll be fine with the reasoning provided.

8. Personality.
Mercy isn’t unheard of in the Empire. Some Sith favor it less than others, but the empire as a whole is relatively fair. Harsh at times, but still fair. Once someone has served the punishment for his or her crime, it is all water under the bridge.

He is slow to anger. Does he stay angry long? Does he forgive people easily?

9. Flaws.
Any major skill ranges he’s severely lacking in training in?
If under a politically skilled master, an apprentice can actually rise fairly high without delving into it him/herself, but will always be at risk of someone outmaneuvering him/her later, or losing opportunities anyone seeking to rise above apprentice must have political influence, though. Good flaw, though.

How does he feel about imperial law and justice? Does he work with it? Around it? Does he break it? Has his behavior here reflected poorly on his master?

10. Interview.
As mentioned earlier, midi-chlorian-testing isn’t common. Only the Empire runs with mandatory testing of force-sensitivity for everyone, but even they use alternate (but unspecified) means.
Also as mentioned by other GM(s), he would almost certainly have been known as a Force-sensitive, but with Bunduki being far outside both imperial and republic space, would naturally not have been picked up by either order as a child.

They (presumably) have some sort of tradition for training their Force-sensitives, but it is probably more limited than that practiced by the Jedi or the Sith. We imagine that it would tie heavily into how to counter Jedi.

Indoctrination of Jedi hate would most likely start even earlier. Sure, young children don’t fully understand the hows and whys, but they are far more susceptible because of this. Especially considering the nature of the offense. It is not altogether unlike how young Sith are taught about the Sith Genocide.

Why did he express interest in leaving Bunduki? Was it encouraged? Discouraged?

Are the reasons behind the abandonment something you intend explore IC?

Nice to see an example of someone successfully fighting an asymmetrical battle against lightsaber while keeping it mostly balanced.

Suggestion: rather than simply have the Sith approaching at random… How about Garen verbally mistaking his opponent for a Jedi, then have the Sith offer to teach him even more about fighting Jedi? Perhaps also have some limited use of the Force pop up to really make the Sith interested?
How is his mental fortitude (resisting telepathic influence)? Would a Sith’s subtle use of such be likely to be effective?

Would he have noticed the Sith Lord?

Also, while tatooine is not near the front lines of the war (its pretty far from them) pretty much the whole known galaxy knows of the war. What are his views on it? How does he feel about the Sith as a group?

11. Other.
Your failures mention a political mission to Kamino. What sort of mission would that have been? They’re even now rather isolationist and outside both imperial and republic territories.

[Tim]

Ah. You make a lot of sense. I have made a large amount of errors by both being nonsensical and vague. It's actually laughable that, before being talked down about it, I first considered making a Darth. I see now that creating a sheet for something as simple as an apprentice is both beyond my understanding and out of my reach.

When I first created this character, I had pulled all my SW knowledge from what I could remember from KOTOR and whatever I could find on the wiki about the time period. After reading over all the provided materials, I was still confused about places like "So we're acknowledging some of the prequels stuff, does that mean the Original and Prequel trilogies are fair game?" And "If Teräs Käsi was created around 30 years ago IC, how is Arden Lyn a master of it if she was around during the First Great Schism?". But I made a character anyway, fumbling in my ignorance, instead of consulting a GM because I didn't want to be a bother.

I can understand now that being vague, as to not break continuity by accident and ruin my sheet, has ironically ruined my sheet with the lack of details. And then the coincidences that happen to my character. I mean, I keep comparing him to young Anakin, but he's not really that special. Not special enough for the Force to alter his fate like it did for the characters in the movies, anyway. But I don't think I can change anything for the sake of just remaking his entire backstory and parts of his sheet, with everything hinging on certain improbable events happening. Sort of set myself up without a failsafe, there.

But, y'know, enough complaining about stuff in hindsight. I've come to the conclusion that I was waaaay over my head in this. So, unwilling to change my sheet and character further and possibly cause more errors in both logic and continuity with my itty-bitty brain, I'm declaring this Denied.

Thanks for looking over the sheet (painful as it must have been), pointing out the flaws, and offering avenues of positive change, Persistent World Mods. Hopefully, someone wanting to create a character can look over my sheet and see what not to do. Maybe even Frankenstein some of the few good aspects and create an actual Force Monk. I'm sorry to have wasted your time and effort.

But thanks for giving me a shot.

-Tim

[Ellri]

Nah, your sheet wasn't all that bad...There's sheets that have been far more problematic. We still feel it is one that can be fixed, @Tim.

[Ellri]

If you should desire to create a different character, don't hesitate to ask for help. discussing character concepts and design is something we generally enjoy.

[Tim]

No, I insist, really. My brain doesn't work too good. I just can't comprehend stuff if it's not a certain way. Spent a long time looking over the problems I had in my sheet, and after moving onto some of the big stuff like his early life/training on Bunduki, I couldn't make sense of any solutions.

But I do really appreciate your help, all of you. Thanks for your feedback, and good luck with any future sheets.

[Ellri]

Good luck to you too. We tagged it as [Withdrawn] instead, though. More appropriate label.