[Denied] Jedi Knight Korrsh

[mattmanganon]

OoC

How long do you usually write?:
Usually Several paragraphs, but it can be longer or shorter, depending on the situation. Generally, my post length is whatever i feel it needs to be in order to get the message across.
Do you enjoy writing collaborative posts for things like conversations, combat, etc.?
Generally, i enjoy writing conversations. Combat is also fun, but my favourite form of writing combat is on the losing side, as i find the paniced thoughts and involuntary bodily actions of someone on the losing side to be a fun thing to write about.
Is grammar and depth of writing important to you?
It is to an extent, but i tend not to always make sure every post is immaculate.
Are there any writing subjects you particularly enjoy exploring?
Generally, creative writing... I mean, i don't particularly understand the question
Is there anything you really dislike and want to avoid like the plague?
Death Troopers. I fucking hate them in Star Wars, they are the absolute stupidest fucking thing ever put into the genre "What if we throw Zombies at Han Solo?" is really scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Is there something you are uncomfortable with happening to your character?
Nothing specifically. I'm fine with anything that advances his character.
Do you have any short-term or long-term goals with this character?
Yes, the long term plans for him are quite extensive. Essentially, the key plot-points will be as follows:

Spoilers

*Korrsh has a number of back-alley treaties with the scoundrels and rogues of Coruscant. During one of his missions, he hands over just a little too much.
*This overextension of Korrsh's grip allows one of the gangs to go on the offensive against another, pushing into their territory. When Korrsh and his Apprentice go in to stop the fighting, his Apprentice is killed.
*Korrsh's involvement in the matter is found out and he is sentenced to Exile from the Jedi Order.
*Going underground, Korrsh hires an old bounty-hunter friend of his to help him fake his own death, before he returns to Nar Shaddaa.
*Arriving, he quickly uses his affinity with The Force to overpower and oust one of the local crime-lords, before inserting himself into the local power scene in his position
*He goes out looking for force sensitives and is able to soon find a few and recruit them into his fold.

Jedi Temple Public Records

Name: Jedi Knight Korrsh
Species: Hutt
Homeworld: Nal Hutta
Age: 271
Gender: Male
Rank: Knight
Master: None
Former master(s): Master Ludo Plots (Deceased)
Apprentice(s): Padawan Talisha (Zabrak, Current)
Jedi Master Undrik Brant (Human, Former, Deceased)
Jedi Master Vuka Jiktu (Jawa, Former, Deceased)
Padawan Luke Brunside (Human, Former, Deceased)
Jedi Knight Moktus Grund (Rodian, Former, Deceased)
Jedi Master Mina Bozworth (Cathar, Former)
Jedi Knight Kegresh (Bothan, Former)

Jedi Temple Internal Records

_{Detailed appearance. Imagery insufficient.}

Korrsh is a typical Hutt, 6'2 tall and 14' long, his skin is an off-grey, with a green underbelly. His eyes are large, amber orbs, full of great intelligence and wisdom, He wears a beige robe over his form, with a brown cloak that stretches from his head, down to the base of his tail. Hutts are not known for their mobility, but to remedy this, he is equipped with "Mobility Legs" Spider-like legs that run down his tail and allow him to keep up with other Jedi. His lightsaber, that is always on his belt, is an electrum-plated Lightsaber with a slightly longer handle in order to accommodate his large hands.

_{Report on natural ability with the Force, as well as all known Force Techniques and the skill level.}

Korrsh's alliance with the Force is his greatest strength. He has a natural affinity with the Force's ability to manipulate the minds of others. He uses this to remain inconspicuous. Even in the crowded streets of Coruscant, he's able to remain completely anonymous and unnoticed. Not invisible, but unregistered. He is a master of interrogation, able to pull the thoughts from some of the most hardened mens lips, make them dance to his song. He is also known to use this ability for offensive uses, forcing aggressors to fight shadows. Convincing them that all of their worst nightmares have come to kill them.

This ability to influence others minds might also explain why he has such an ability to influence the programing of Droids. Korrsh likes droids, their ability to survive, to be programmed to perform any task given to them and an inability to corrupt them using such things as promises of power and wealth. He, however, can use his control over the force to overload their central systems and shut them down. Simple droids, on the otherhand, he can use the force to forcibly activate subroutines that will make them docile and compliant. In more advanced combat units, those subroutines are far more complex and the extent of this power can be used to distort their ability to precisely target.

Like all Jedi, he was trained with telekinesis. Although his legs allow him to move with the speed of a bipedal, he is not even nearly as dextrous. To allow himself to combat far more agile foes, he has perfected a technique that allows him to wield his lightsaber using The Force as if it were his own hands. He has mastered the technique with a single lightsaber, but is currently working on the ability to use a second as well. His ability with Telekinesis has also given him the ability to lift himself to help him reach higher area's.

His current efforts, in as far as his ability to use the force is concerned, is the ability of Precognition. He is currently trying to see into the future. He is so far able to get small twinges when in immediate danger, but nothing as elaborate as some of the masters who can see whole events days before they happen.

_{Report on skills not directly rooted in the Force, including level of skill}

Like all Hutts, Korrsh has a large and complex brain, this brain allows him to perform mathmatics and problem solving immensely faster than others. Some have told him that, had he not been a Jedi, he would have made a great businessman. This also extends to him being a great tactician, he has been known for coming up with great battle-plans when it comes to crackdowns on gang-hives and Black Market raids.

He is also an excellent diplomat. Even though his mind-affecting force abilities are immensely powerful, he also has the charisma to convince others as well. Korrsh has sat in on many a territorial dispute among families and factions within the Republic, able to mediate with great wisdom.

_{Report on known combat experience, training and lightsaber training.}

Like all Jedi, he is well trained in Form I: Shii Cho, due to all younglings being trained with this stance. Due to his fluentness with this form, he favours this when using his telekinetic Lightsaber fighting.

Of course, due to being a very large target, he quickly learned to favour the form Form III: Soresu, due to its defensive properties. When he first draws his saber, he will go for this first to secure his position, before deciding how to proceed. He does consider himself quite the master of this form.

After "Mastering" Soresu, he has started to properly expand his horizons by beginning to learn Form V: Shien / Djem So, which is a natural progression, due to its similarities to Soresu, however, is a more offensive variant. Usually he will transition from Soresu into Djem So after the fight has started in earnest.

_{Detailed notes on political influence and associates.}

The Jedi order has always had a love/hate relationship with the Hutt Gangsters. Mainly because they are two orginizations that cannot really hurt each other. The Jedi have no jurisdiction in Hutt Territory and the Hutts like it that way. The Hutts only ever talk cleanly to their own kind, which almost immediately pegged Korrsh as the key diplomat for whenever the Jedi Council need to contact the Hutts. Korrsh has a lot of contacts in the Hutt Cartels and has spoken before the grand council on more than one occasion.

_{Detailed notes on known rivals and enemies, outside and within the Order and Republic.}

He has an affinity for making friends. Enemies are useless to him. However, he does rarely see eye-to-eye with the Grand Master.

_{List and description of other known associates, including intimates.}

Korrsh's main beats are Corscant and Nar-Shaddaa He has the following contacts:
Gloorak (Rodian member of the "Cannock Crawlers" swoop gang in the Coruscant undercity)
Matrika Poondok (A Cyborg Mon Calamari Bounty-Hunter on Nar-Shaddaa)
Inuel Kai and Renny (A Talortai and Human pair of scoundrels who constantly tip-toe around the law and perform any and every job imaginable.)
Kolkar (A Kyuzo Mercenary who works for whoever will pay him. Korrsh usually hires him as back-up on missions on Nar-Shaddaa.)
Runtak (A Gand Crime-Lord in the Coruscant undercity. Korrsh helps him to expand his territory in return for information)

_{List of all known ownerships, including vessels, (non-standard) equipment, and locations.}

Sleepy Rancor (A Starscape-II-class Freighter. An upgraded version of the old Yachts, in that it sacrifices a lot of its comforts, in return for storage space. Although he doesn't technically own it, as it legally belongs to Inuel and Renny. He does, however, own it as a form of collateral, since it is his money that actually commissioned it, built it and keeps it flying, Inuel and Renny just use it for their purposes, as well as performing missions for him.)
Jewel of Coruscant (The Jewel is a Defender-class light-corvette that he owns and is his official craft that he uses to get from place to place. Although he isn't a very good pilot, he uses Enty to chauffeur him.)
NT-302 "Enty" (Enty is a customised droid built by Korrsh in order to be a Catch-all companion. Enty is an excellent pilot and air-combattant, as well as having access to the Holonet to keep a track on his allies movements, as well as for making quick contact with his informants and his bank accounts. He was originally built by Korrsh to assist in his training of Talisha, who wished to become a Jedi Ace, but has evolved over time.)

_{Psychological evaluation of Jedi Order member.}

Korrsh is an enigma. Although it is always a welcome sight to see a member of the Jedi Order that is of an... Uncommon background... It is slightly unsettling. Hutts have a very specific talent that they seem to have evolved over their history and that talent is crime. Korrsh seems to know how it works and how to make it work for him, which is not always a bad thing. The Jedi Order is pledged to keep peace in the galaxy, but they are also pledged to be realistic and sometimes crime and peace have to coexist. He seems friendly towards everyone that he meets, but there is always an heir of dishonesty behind that initial amiability.

Korrsh is not believed to be any real liability to the Jedi Order, after all, he has trained multiple Padawans to Knighthood, but he has always skirted that line of the law and many, the Grand Master included, believe that he will, one day, go to far.

_{List and description of known and suspected flaws. To be put into restricted database.}

Being a Hutt, Korrsh has sever mobility issues if he is without his cybornetic legs, they are most certainly his weakness, cutting them off will leave him able to move at, pun intended, a slugs pace.

His other flaws in his methods. Many of his means of bringing in criminals are what the rest of the council deem as "Skirting on the side of outright illegal" The Jedi have always been ones for their many codes of conduct and Korrsh seems to be pre-desposed to breaking them or, at least, bending them to the point that they are starting to crack. This has earned him the ire of most of the council. But he is a man that believes that the ends, almost, always justify the means.

This way of thinking is why he is one of the longest serving knights that has never been given the title of Master, despite having trained many students that have gone on to become Masters.

_{known interests of the force-user.}

Korrsh has very little in the way of actually known interests. It is known that he very much enjoys watching Pod Racing on Malastare. His other main interest is reading. After spending 20 years as an archivist, he has become quite fond of reading about the histories and sciences catalogued within the archives.

_{Major achievements on record.}

Securing safe use of Hyperspace lanes through Hutt space for Republic Forces.
Clearing out multiple notorious gangs in the lower city, including the Black Riders, Mynock Squadron, The Uscru Pirates, The Hyperspace Angels and, recently, even a notorious Hutt by the name of Galdradi.
Training many Padawans to Knighthood.

_{Major failures on record. Confidential.}

The Corellia Incident.
Abandoning his post during the Sith Sacking of the Jedi Temple.
Failing to prevent Luke Brunside's fall to the Dark Side.

Interview

_{Personal biography, as detailed by the candidate for use in Jedi archives. Acquired shortly after last achievement of note.}

Interviewer: "Good day, Master. I'm glad you could take time out of your busy day to answer some questions for this interview."
Korrsh: "It's my pleasure. I hope you do not mind Talisha's presence."
Interviewer: "Not at all, i'm also surprised to hear you talking Basic."
Korrsh: "Yes, it is odd. In my peoples culture, it is seen as a great dishonour to speak in a language other than Huttese. But the Jedi are my people, I speak your language in order to show respect. Other Hutts refuse to speak your language in order to demand your respect. They see Huttese as "A language so beautiful, that to sully ones tongue with another language diminishes us." *Chuckles*
Interviewer: "Indeed... So, tell me about your early life."
Korrsh: "Well, what is there to tell? I was raised within these very walls. I lead a surprisingly unremarkable life as a Jedi, despite being the only one of my kind here, or at least, no more remarkable than any other long-lived species Jedi."
Interviewer: "So, how did you get brought here?"
Korrsh: "Father thought he was untouchable by the Cartell's. He was wrong. His right hand, a Devaronian by the name of Fimbalt brought me to Coruscant, to be raised by Father's old friend Galdradi, but before he could meet, he was stopped at customs and was brought for questioning. That is when Master Plots found me."
Interviewer: "Master Plots?"
Korrsh: "Yes, Ludo Plots, an Ugnaught. He sensed my latent potential and brought me to the Temple to be raised. Fimbalt was wanted for murder. Most of the Jedi, at the time, didn't want someone like me to be brought into the Jedi. Master Plots faught hard to get me instated as a Youngling"
Interviewer: "So, if it hadn't been for Plots, you may never have become a Jedi."
Korrsh: "Not at all. You need to remember that this is shortly after the end of the Civil War. The Jedi order was broken, fractured. It there was no option for bigotry."
Interviewer: "So, there's Bigotry within the order?"
Korrsh: "Do not twist my words. What i meant was that we all make judgements based on race. Not always bad judgements, but judgements nonetheless."
Interviewer: "My apologies."
Korrsh: "Anyway, i spent the next 10 years as a youngling, before finally being given my Padawanship. Master Plots was... A tough master. He had me perform many a... Demeaning task..."
Talisha: "Like when you get me to scrub the urinals?"
Korrsh: "I wish. Master Plots had me haul computer consoles from the bottom floor to the hangar, without use of the force or any technology." *He sighed, staring at his arms, before pulling the flaps of skin dangling from it.* "I actually became quite muscular at the time. 2 centuries have not been the kindest to me... Anyway, Master Plots trained me to be the man i am today. We fought some pirates, droids, gangsters and... Well, we parted ways. Master Plots had other padawans to train, i had my own Padawans to train."
Interviewer: "Yes, tell us about your Padawans. I have heard you pride yourself on your abilities as a teacher."
Korrsh: "Pride is a path to the Dark Side. But yes, i do feel proud of my Padawans. So, my very first Padawan was just after Master Plots had taken on a new Padawan of his own. I needed either a mind to mold me or a mind i could mold myself... Undrik was such a bright boy. He was always trying to tell me how the code worked. I swear he had the entire thing burned into the inside of his eyelids. I like to think of Brant as my success, but in all honesty, he pretty much taught himself. He was so driven. He became one of the most brilliant minds the Order had and one of the key reasons it was able to get back onto its feet after the Civil War. Vuka was next, by the force i swear i rarely understood a thing that boy said. I am fluent in Trade-Speak, but he was always talking so fast. I think half of the things i said to him in those first 6 years was "Wait, slow down and annunciate" Almost as bad as you are when we start talking about Starships." *He pets Talisha on the head*
Talisha: "I just want to make sure that i know everything. I plan to pursue a path as a Jedi Ace."
Korrsh: "Vuka grew into a fine knight who always had an interesting set of students. His first was a Wookiee, then a Karkarodon, a Lasat... He seemed to have a thing for students that would become big. Maybe he had a short-man's complex... Anyway, after Vuka was off on his own, i had Luke. He was a little older than i was used to, he was immensely powerful in the ways of the force. The order found him in the burned out wreckage of a crashed freighter. His connection to the force was... Too powerful. I trained him as best as i could and he was right on track to becoming a fine knight... Then the incident..."
Interviewer: "Would this be the Corellia Incident?"
Korrsh: "Yes..." *Korrsh's eyes frowned*
Interviewer: "If you do not wish to discuss it, we can-"
Korrsh: "No... I have come to terms with the Corellia Incident. It was shortly after Brant had been granted the rank of Master, after Vuka took on his first apprentice. I was reunited with Masters Plots and Brant for the first time in a while. We had received word of a Dark Force-user on Corellia and the 3 of us went to check it out. I brought Luke with me. I thought that, by showing him the dangers of the dark side of the force, he may be persuaded to never go there. It worked on me with Master Plots, it worked on Brant, it even worked on Jiktu... When we were confronted by the man... It wasn't a Dark Force User... It was a Sith Lord and a powerful one at that. Called himself "Darth Karanus" The three of us did what we could, even the Padawans tried to assist, ambushing him as we fought through the streets of Coronet. All that i remember about him was... That mask. That cold, dead mask. Like peering into a wound in the universe itself... Brant was the first to fall, lost his legs and an arm to that thing. He destroyed my mechanical legs and i was unable to keep up without them. Master Plots rushed off ahead as he, his padawan and Luke chased them. By the time i got there, all i found of Master Plots was his cloak, his padawan was dead, slumped over it and i saw Luke with his Lightsaber through the monster's throat. I tried to get in, but as the beast died, it brought the entire building down around us. I was barely able to get out."
Interviewer: "And Luke?"
Korrsh: "Luke was trapped in the rubble. It took us 3 days to dig him out. When we did... He was different. He was quiet. It was amazing, he had just killed a Sith Lord, i thought he would go on to do great things. I completely missed the thing that was growing inside of him. We never found Master Plots' body. But we burned his Padawan. After that, i went back to training Luke. We had a few more run-ins with pirates and the like, but he was far more brutal this time. I saw him... Almost torturing them... I could see he was enjoying it. I took him back to the temple, put him in the meditation chambers and went to the council. When we came back, he had escaped the temple. We decided that he needed to stand trial. I helped them to bring him in. We chased him through the underlevels of Coruscant... That's when we found him, he had constructed a crude version of that mask that Karanus had worn. He was powerful, far more powerful than any fallen Jedi i had ever fought, but he was no match for the Jedi Masters. He wouldn't be brought in alive."
Interviewer: "You killed him trying to capture him?"
Korrsh: "No, we successfully subdued him, but as we began to transport him back, he reached out with the force and willingly ended his own life. He looked at me with an insane fervor, the likes of which i have never seen, then with a flick of his tongue... He was gone. Autopsy says that his spinal-column was severed and his brains synapses had been... Popped for a better word. All of them at once..."
Interviewer: "That's..."
Korrsh: "My fault. I should have had him brought before the council before he had gone that far. The Council agreed. I spent the next 20 years cataloging the archives before i was allowed to train another student. Moktus was exactly what i needed. Young, bright and eager to please. He was a hugger... I had to ween him off of those slowly. Moktus grew into a hell of a Knight, so sure of himself. He was one of the best pilots in the order. And his way with words. I have NEVER heard a man able to sway so many with his words. I saw him bring many a foe to justice without even igniting his blade... It was a pity that he left the order just before he was due to be made a Master."
Interviewer: "He left?"
Korrsh: "Yes, he said that he appreciated the order and everything that it had done for him, but he decided to go into Politics. He became the representative for the Rodians in the Republic Forum. We remained good friends till 3 years ago when he finally passed away from his ripe old age. He was a true success."
Interviewer: "Are any of your former Padawans still alive?"
Korrsh: "Why, yes. Master Mina was a former student of mine... We, sadly, never got along that great. I took over her training after the death of Master Oprak and i don't think she ever adjusted to the change. He was VERY strict with her and she distrusted me greatly because my style was far more laid-back. She began to loosen up a little near the end, but it was a grueling 5 years training her into a Knight. She recently made it onto the Council."
Interviewer: "So, why aren't you a Master, surely you have so many success stories that you should be recognized as a master?"
Korrsh: "There are many... MANY reasons, but those are my secrets to keep."
Interviewer: "Very well. Any other Students?"
Korrsh: "Sadly, apart from Talisha here, the only other student of mine that still walks this plane is Kegresh. A Bothan, he is currently out on the frontier, helping the Republic forces in their war with the Empire, he has his first padawan in tow. I can't say anymore about him, though, for obvious reasons."
Interviewer: "I understand. You're other main mark on your career would be the Sacking of the Temple. It says that you abandoned your post."
Korrsh: "That was a... Misunderstanding on behalf of the council. I was on the planet at the time, following a lead on a case that i was working on, i saw the shuttle coming down at heading for the temple and saw the smoke, but by the time i returned, it was too late."
Interviewer: "So, why does it say that you abandoned your post?"
Korrsh: "I was supposed to be giving the younglings a training session, when the attack happened... I was also not supposed to be working on the case, as the Council had removed me from the investigation due to... Unfortunate circumstances. As such, they slapped me with a "Dereliction of Duty" charge."
Interviewer: "Very interesting. So, you are fresh off of your latest victory against Galdradi The Hutt?"
Korrsh: "Yes, Galdradi... It is a shame, in another life, he was to be my mentor. He first caught the attention of the Jedi Temple when they found me after an attempted assassination against me. When i became a Knight, i hunted down Galdradi, used him as a contact to get in touch with the Grand Hutt Council."
Interviewer: "The Jedi actually have communications with the Hutts?"
Korrsh: "Well, yes. They are one of the key powers of the outer rim. Although the Republic does not recognize them as an official government, they still hold all of the power in those regions. We have to keep contact with them in order to secure safe passage to the outer rim. For quite some time, The Exchange had a bounty on us. We needed to make a few concessions to keep the exchange off of our backs constantly.
Interviewer: "So, if he was so important to keeping relations between the Jedi and the Hutts open, then why did you bring him in?"
Korrsh: "This isn't going to be released until after the trial is over?"
Interviewer: "This isn't for public release. And, yes, we will not be publishing this until after the results of the trial are in."
Korrsh: "We never had any proof to bring in Galdradi... I can't go into the details of this, but we followed some leads to a freighter that was packed to the brim with Selkath slaves. We traced the freighter to him. Sadly, we know how the legal system on Coruscant knows and we knew that those charges wouldn't stick. So, we decided to dig a little deeper. We found some people willing to flip on him. That, combined with some help from my Padawan in chasing down his Lieutenant in a high-speed fighter chase and we marched straight into his club with the Coruscant Police. He gave us quite a show, but, now we have one of the most powerful crime-lords on Coruscant in custody and tossed his place to get enough forensic evidence to clone him and throw both of them in jail for the rest of their natural lives."
Interviewer: "So, your Padawan helped in this case?"
Korrsh: "Yes, very much so. I have no doubt that she will be a Master one day."
Talisha: "I KNOW that i will be a great master one day."
Interviewer: "Alright, that should be it. Thank you very much."

[Ellri]

here are the rules: https://www.roleplayerguild.com/posts/4889512.
Your character submission does not currently follow them, so we recommend that you read up on them, as the character cannot be approved as it currently looks.

Additionally, you need to fill out the flaws section.

When you've fixed those things and feel ready to have your sheet reviewed, you can edit the topic title to be [pending].

[mattmanganon]

@Ellri Alright, i actually finally got around to doing the edits.

[Ellri]

@mattmanganon

We apologize for the review taking so long. Due to a sudden influx of many many sheets, your sheet got stuck deep down in the pile instead of being reviewed shortly after you edited it from how it was during the first attempt. Your sheet has been looked at and discussed internally in the GM group as part of the review.

As it stands right now, it cannot be approved. It has extreme strengths in several fields, few flaws that aren’t outright negated and is not appropriately tied to the Jedi or Sith Orders.

In addition, a lot of the elements making up the character appear to be slapped together out of convenience, rather than being parts of a single whole. It feels less like a single character than several partial characters stuck together out of desire for a variety of elements.

We suggest that you attempt to build a new character from scratch and that you build it around a single concept that you clear with the GMs first, so that you know it is one that is likely to be accepted.

If you make a Force user, we would ask you to also include a short list at the top of the relevant section with the known techniques and his/her skill level with them, as proscribed by the Guide to the Force.

[mattmanganon]

@Ellri I just want to start this by saying, yes, I accept that this character is a bust and I doubt that there is anything that I can say or do that will get him accepted, but I would like some answers on what you mean by several of the critiques:

"He is not appropriately tied to the Jedi or Sith Orders." He is a Jedi... he's clearly a Jedi, he is constantly referred to as a Jedi, he has trained a large number of Jedi, I dont understand this critique at all.

"In addition, a lot of the elements making up the character appear to be slapped together out of convenience, rather than being parts of a single whole. It feels less like a single character than several partial characters stuck together out of desire for a variety of elements." Can I ask what the hell this is supposed to mean? Like, I'm all one for criticism, I can take someone telling me my character is bad and I should feel bad and to be honest, I understand the core of what this means and I assume you mean "Trying to make a character do too many things to try and cover all of the bases at once." (I'll admit to being guilty of doing this with other characters) but how the hell does it apply to Korrsh? "He is a Hutt Jedi who keeps skirting around the law and tiptoing on the edge of breaking it, because he understands that this is what you have to do to maintain order in this chaotic world and because of this, they wont give him the rank of Master as he is seen as too much of a liability, much to his chagrin." That is the core of character. Are you referring to the fact that he has Bounty Hunter allies that he works with? Does he come across as too much of "This guy is trying to make a Hutt Crimelord and a Jedi at the same time, pick one and stick to it?"

These two things stick out like a sore thumb. Im not trying to be difficult, but I am always striving to improve my writing techniques and I cant take criticism to heart and embrace it, if I dont understand the critisism. Can you explain in a little more detail what you dont like so I can avoid it with my next character? Like, your saying "It feels like your trying to make multiple characters in one" could you tell me what you think the other characters are and what you might suggest taking out to improve that?

All I'm asking for is a little more feedback, please.

[Ellri]

@mattmanganon

I just want to start this by saying, yes, I accept that this character is a bust and I doubt that there is anything that I can say or do that will get him accepted, but I would like some answers on what you mean by several of the critiques:

We do not mind providing clarifications. Have no worry about that.

---

"He is not appropriately tied to the Jedi or Sith Orders."

He is a Jedi... he's clearly a Jedi, he is constantly referred to as a Jedi, he has trained a large number of Jedi, I don’t understand this critique at all.

For this we refer to the spoilers section of your OoC section.

*Korrsh has a number of back-alley treaties with the scoundrels and rogues of Coruscant. During one of his missions, he hands over just a little too much.
*This overextension of Korrsh's grip allows one of the gangs to go on the offensive against another, pushing into their territory. When Korrsh and his Apprentice go in to stop the fighting, his Apprentice is killed.
*Korrsh's involvement in the matter is found out and he is sentenced to Exile from the Jedi Order.
*Going underground, Korrsh hires an old bounty-hunter friend of his to help him fake his own death, before he returns to Nar Shaddaa.
*Arriving, he quickly uses his affinity with The Force to overpower and oust one of the local crime-lords, before inserting himself into the local power scene in his position
*He goes out looking for force sensitives and is able to soon find a few and recruit them into his fold.

An exiled Jedi starting to recruit force-sensitives to form a second order? That concept alone was enough for the Jedi GM to say no immediately.

---

"In addition, a lot of the elements making up the character appear to be slapped together out of convenience, rather than being parts of a single whole. It feels less like a single character than several partial characters stuck together out of desire for a variety of elements."
Can I ask what the hell this is supposed to mean? Like, I'm all one for criticism, I can take someone telling me my character is bad and I should feel bad and to be honest, I understand the core of what this means and I assume you mean "Trying to make a character do too many things to try and cover all of the bases at once." I'll admit to being guilty of doing this with other characters) but how the hell does it apply to Korrsh?

Throughout the sheet, you focus on the criminal ties and predilections.
In his Force techniques, you specify that the Force is his greatest strength, especially mind tricks. You also focus on his extreme interest in droids, telekinesis and trying to predict the future.
In his skills you focus on mathematics, problem-solving and diplomacy.
In the combat section you say he’s mastered a lightsaber form while stating he favors another form for telekinetic combat.
In the interests section, you specify he has no interests to speak of and that he was an archivist for twenty years.

Other than the point about crime, these points are all only mentioned in those sections, without being tied together in any manner. That is what we mean by disparate parts that do not make up a single whole.

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"He is a Hutt Jedi who keeps skirting around the law and tiptoing on the edge of breaking it, because he understands that this is what you have to do to maintain order in this chaotic world and because of this, they wont give him the rank of Master as he is seen as too much of a liability, much to his chagrin."
That is the core of character. Are you referring to the fact that he has Bounty Hunter allies that he works with? Does he come across as too much of "This guy is trying to make a Hutt Crimelord and a Jedi at the same time, pick one and stick to it?"

The wide selection of companions, several of which belong to species not on the approved list, is but a minor element, but yes, his seemingly being built as both a typical hutt and as a Jedi do not exactly add up, as the Jedi Order would have made sure to quash criminal aspirations hard. Only when they were sure of his being first and foremost a Jedi would they let him link up with the hutts again. But it is more the previous section that causes him to feel like multiple characters in one.

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These two things stick out like a sore thumb. Im not trying to be difficult, but I am always striving to improve my writing techniques and I cant take criticism to heart and embrace it, if I dont understand the critisism. Can you explain in a little more detail what you dont like so I can avoid it with my next character? Like, your saying"It feels like your trying to make multiple characters in one" could you tell me what you think the other characters are and what you might suggest taking out to improve that?
All I'm asking for is a little more feedback, please.

You’re not being difficult. You’re asking questions and seeking clarification. We like that.
The rest of that section is covered above.

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Perhaps you can think of a few concepts you might want to explore, then we can look at them to see which are most likely to work? We have no doubt that you have it in you to make a quite decent-quality character.