Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Partisan
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Partisan Vuurvos / Dion

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Bloodline limit name:
N/A
Description:
N/A
Strengths:
[i]N/A [i]

Add a / before the last i code, so that it closes the code. Furthermore, you should delete the bloodline ability thing, because you don't have one. It's kinda obsolete now.

URLs you need to do url=linkgoeshere, and then with [] around it. Then you type the name and close it again.

[url=narutopedia.com]Katon: goukakyou no jutsu[/url]

Should look more like this.

【Family ties】
[i]lived in a dysfunctional immediate family. Taken away from parents at the age of 10 and fostered with another person. Gin kept bonds low to none. He didn't trust his parents so he wasn't going to trust anyone else. Because of this Gin had little care for bonds since bonds were only a hinderance. [i]

Same here, add a / to the last i, so like this:

[i]text goes here[/i]

Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by FallenTrinity
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its still not working.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Partisan
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Yes, because there's a ] after the jutsu names.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by FallenTrinity
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Ok so I took the "/" out of the jutsu name. Am I on the right track ^^'
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Partisan
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[url=naruto.wikia.com/wiki/Sword_.. NAME HERE[/url]

Quote this post, and see how I've done it. I'm not sure I can make it more obvious.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Partisan
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Okay, now just remove [code] and the closing code for code. :P
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by FallenTrinity
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I got it now. As far as "obvious", I'm not familiar with coding so yeah haha
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by FallenTrinity
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fixed it. thank you
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Partisan
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It's not in a hider because you have a [/indent] behind
Description:
Sukaikatta is a chakra blade meant to channel lightning and water chakra. Its blade must remain wet or in its sheath. As it is drawn, the friction from the blade against the inner parts of the sheath begin a spark that helps increase its cutting strength. By keeping the blade wet, it gives its damage capabilities an increase even for simple cuts. However in order for it to be used the way it was made the blade must be wet and/or drawn a certain way by pressing the blade up on the sheath throughout the drawn.


Remove that code right there and the [/indent] should close off that other code and you should get it in a hider.
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by Savato
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So, because most of the job has been made, here's my review:

-To start off you have a 24 year old guy from Kiri. Are you sure you want him to be 24? He's quite far off the age group of the chuunin of the RP. That won't help in interaction if we're being realistic.

-His personality is extremely short. The little content we got is: He's anti-social, meaning characters won't like him very much and he'll interact poorly which kills the purpose of RP'ing. Also the maniacal laughing side is cliché as all hell tbh but to each their own.

-The history, ah la la... To start off you could cut it into two or three paragraphs to ease it for the reader. You go off by introducing him as a sociopath who is incapable of being the least bit intriguing for other characters, so ehhhh. Moving on, he then gets obsessed over death and Zabuza and w/e, sure. The problem emerges when he starts killing random people and steals an artifact from a GOVERNMENT. Not only is this feat extremely complicated and barely possible for a chuunin alone in this modern era, but now he's a missing-nin. Now I'm willing to accept he could sneak past some stupid guards, but now he's a wanted man and there's no way in hell Konoha would accept him as a chuunin. Fujitora would simply murder him for bonus cash, and quite easily too. So no, having this massive sword stolen is a no-go, and neither is being a rogue ninja wanted by a massive country. We're at an era of peace, we're not going to let some weirdo break stability.

-He's compared to Zabuza, who was a Jonin ranked guy and pretty good at what he did. There's no way your character could be as notorious at his current level to be perfectly honest. Not without reaching the ranks of Jonin. I can't accept this part either.

-As said before, Executioner sword is denied because of the context. Find a better one and I may reconsider, but it'd still be very improbable considering it belongs to Kiri.

-Your second sword is alright, however a year and a half to make it? You do know IRL it doesn't take that long to make a high quality sword right? And here it's super ninja magic land, so if in Kill Bill a guy could be the greatest sword in the world in one month, there's no reason for this one to take almost 2 years lol. That's just silly.

-Techniques are alright. Just don't powerplay the silent killing.

-Listen to Partisan for the coding. We like our CS' clean.

Conclusion: I suggest re-working the character, his personality and history. He just seems like a bland psychopath my Jonin would wreck after your first post just for existing. Really. If you need guidance, don't hesitate to ask but I won't accept it as it is.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Partisan
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Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by FallenTrinity
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Ok question:
1. What is an appropriate age range for chuunin?

The laughing was because I couldn't think of anything for bad situation (I was thinking about having him just remain calm but...eh)

Also as far as making him anti social, it wasn't going to be permenant It was a temporary thing that would change overtime (character development). As far as background....I suck at that.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by FallenTrinity
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I'll work on him a little bit later but when I do I would like help with making a more satisfying background
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Savato
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@FallenTrinity Technically any age, however most are between 15-18 so perhaps aiming around there would be better?

... Erm sure? He can laugh but I just don't like it. It's not a factor to your character's eligibility.

Okay, then that makes it all the better for a younger age. As he grows up and becomes a man he can open up? It'll still suck for you to develop him but I guess that could work. Just add more to his personality please.

I can't help you on history. It's YOUR character. I can help with techniques and alternatives to details in the history. The problem is, the WHOLE thing needs a change. I can't write that for you.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by FallenTrinity
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No the laughing is gonna go but ill change everything in a little while
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Partisan
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Well for starters we don't like characters that are trying really hard to be total cool dark-themed guys, but, really, they're just trying to do good. Or something like that.

No offense, but it seems like you've done everything you can to make him a psychopath, and that's not something we're looking for (per say, you can be twisted but it's a bit of a grey area. My advise is avoid it and go for something a bit more acceptable). I have to say, combat wise, he's very balanced and needless to say that doesn't really have to change too much.

Just ramp down the psycho-part, since there's no way Konohagakure will openly accept a brutal known murderer, traitor and thief of artifacts and just go ''hm, what could go wrong? Nearly everything.. guess we'll take him in.'' Realistically, they'd arrest him and hand him over to Kirigakure, sword and all.

If you truly want to fit in well with the crew you should take a look at other characters and see what would fit well with them. Tip: it's not a 24 year old psychopath chunin artifact stealing guy. I'm sorry if I sound harsh or anything, but roleplaying a character like that would be bad not only for the RP (it can cause stand stills) but also for you, since they're generally not interesting to RP what so ever. They just look flashy and cool, but most of the time you're in combat you're not gonna be mercilessly beheading people left and right.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by FallenTrinity
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Not harsh at all. Ppl need constructive criticism in order to get better. Like I said it's been awhile. I'll fix him up in a bit. Maybe not as twisted but can be at times. I won't make him overly antisocial but I'll make him more shy then anything. Yeah the idea of a MWAHAHAHA IM EVIL character is a bit redundant so I'll change it around
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Partisan
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Well I can say I am appreciative of someone who appreciates constructive criticism.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by FallenTrinity
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I did change the age to 19 because I'll make it so he was held back a year... Or better yet he held himself back because he didn't think he was ready to graduate yet. Hes going to be antisocial but not to the extent that I had him. I'll probably make him have an arrogant side.

I'm glad you like that he's balanced because that's what I was going for in terms of fighting style. The sword was a bit difficult to figure out because I didn't want to be to "sasuke cliche" with the whole chidori blade thing.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by FallenTrinity
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im making the changes now
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