arockysmith

Why Can't This Be? [arockysmith + tlstiffl]

Ezra’s breathing became normal and he opened his eyes slowly to the tune of Marta humming. A smile crept onto his face as he felt her fingers playing with his hair. He let out a small cough and turned onto his side so that his face was facing her stomach. He gave it a small kiss not quite registering where he was just yet. He wrapped an arm around her and snuggled in close so he could take in her scent. He could smell the salt from the sweat and that was when he propped himself on his one arm and looked around. His smile turned into a frown as he smelled the blood on their clothes.

Suddenly everything came flashing back to him. He saw himself like he was watching a movie killing Jeremiah and then killing the other man. He couldn’t remember his name at the moment, but he could still feel the pulse from his neck fading under his grasp. His face grew pale and he rolled off the bed to his knees and began to vomit on the floor. His hands began to tremble as he saw them stained in blood. He started to shake his head and he closed his eyes.

“No...no...I didn’t....tell me I didn’t kill them,” he said as more vomit came out of his body.

The images kept flashing in his mind. He was the monster he’d never thought he’d be. He couldn’t believe he’d sunk this far. He was essentially what Hitler had been saying his people were. Monsters. He looked over at Marta and saw her bandaged up. He fought to remember what happened to her. The man...he touched her in ways and then…

“Your arm,” he whispered putting a hand to his chest and feeling his own scar, “He marked you the way Oscar did me. I’m so sorry Marta. I couldn’t get to you in time. I was watching and I couldn’t do anything. He had me tied up...I tried be faster. I tried to reach you, but I failed.”

He crawled a little away from her feeling more than just ashamed of himself. He’d been too weak to get to her in time, but he’d strong enough to murder. He tried to tell himself it was something he had to do, but he couldn’t fathom the thought. Ezra kept his eyes to the floor unable to process how Marta could be so gentle with him when he’d just committed such a horrendous act.

“To die, to sleep….the sleep, perchance to dream. Ay there’s the rub, for in that sleep of death what dreams may come…” Ezra whispered remembering the line from Shakespears play Hamlet, “Death is just sleep....that’s what he was trying to say...right? They’re just sleeping and they will awake to something better. But I can’t help but think of one that lov’d not wisely but too well from Othello after he murdered his wife. I may not have murdered you but I murdered in the name of you. No, for the sake of you.”

He could feel his mind beginning to slip as he tried to rationalize his actions, when he remembered Daniel calling him a leader. He looked at the door and he could feet shuffling by. His chest began to feel tender and finally allowed himself to look at Marta. “Come to me...I need you to tell me I didn’t do this for nothing. I need to know I didn’t kill my morals when I killed my own people. I need to know I saved you. I need you to justify me or I might kill myself,” he said as his eyes began to grow emotionless and his voice started to lose all feeling.

Why Can't This Be? [arockysmith + tlstiffl]

Ezra sat on the bed glancing between the door and Marta. She was hurt and she wasn't letting his friend help. He nudged her toward him and Isiah gently took her arm to assess the damages. He grimaced a little at the site of the branding and knew right away there was nothing of use in this room to help with that or the broken wrist.

"She needs medical attention, but i don't know if the men will allow it," Isiah said quietly.

Ezra frowned a bit trying to process everything that had happened. "I killed them. They won't let me leave alive Isiah. If they know I betrayed them for her. You can't help us any longer. They'll see you as a traitor also," Ezra said clinging to Marta's good hand. He could feel the adrenaline slowly leaving his body and he was become more tired with every breath he took. There was a knock on the door and all three of them froze.

"I know you guys are in there. You might as well come out or we'll just go in," Daniel said sternly.

Isiah finished wrapping Marta's arm and walked to the door hesitating a moment, "Dan...he had to. They lost their minds. They were hurting an innocent girl," he said trying to plead for their lives.

There was a couple laughs from the other end and then the door opened. "Isiah, we aren't mad. Jeremiah had to go. Ezra is the one we all aspire to be. Look at him, he's our weapon of mass destruction. Sure he's a little shocked now, i mean he's never taken a life before. But imagine the world with him leading us," Daniel said smirking.

Ezra looked up a bit confused, "You want me to lead you? I just murdered two of our people in cold blood. I'm drenched in blood that isn't mine and I did it for a girl none of you approve of"

Isiah took a step back switching his gaze between Ezra and Daniel. "Ezra, you are our blood thirsty leader. You will lead us to victory. Your home is part of those ghettos. Your father was taken and your mother died of sickness. You have nothing but us. Hitler took everything from you," Daniel said as he began to instruct the medical team to help Marta.

"Dan, now isn't the time for this lecture. He's pale as a ghost and he hasn't had a meal in days. You guys have basically starved him and now you're saying he's our leader?" Isiah said a little disgusted.

Ezra nodded at Marta to let her know it was safe to let them help her and he removed himself from her so that she could get the attention she needed while he thought about the words Daniel was saying. He could lead these men to a righteous victory of peace rather than blood, but he'd be a hypocrite after killing two men just moments ago. He held his head in his hands a moment as he began to struggle to find air. He could a panic attack coming on and he began to feel light headed.

"Marta...I can't..." he was gasping for air now and everyone was staring at him a bit confused. His vision began to go black and he reached for the pendant around his neck. "Mar...ta" he said again trying to find her. He stood up and the room began to spin. The last thing he felt was his head hitting the ground.

"Daniel, look what you've done. Your talk of nonsense," Isiah said as he bent down to his friend while he saw Marta began to struggle to reach Ezra.

Isiah lifted his friend up and brought him over to the other bed so that he could rest. He looked over at Marta "Everyone let's leave. If he's your leader you'll allow him time alone with his girlfriend," Isiah said as he ushered everyone out of the room.

daniel nodded , "We shall discuss this later than. Marta, I hope you will forgive our brother who harmed you. He does not represent us all," he said still smirking as Isiah shut the door shooting Marta and apologetic look.

"Watch over him Marta...you're the only one who can keep him from losing his kind," Isiah called through the door as the men began to discuss the situation they were in.

Why Can't This Be? [arockysmith + tlstiffl]

Ezra had been sleeping on the cold floor when arms yanked him up and began to shake his shoulders. His head snapped back and forth until his eyes opened slowly. It'd been days since he ate and he could feel his body growing weaker by the second. Isiah tried to sneak him food, but Ezra told him it was too risky. He prayed that he would let Marta know that he hadn't forgot about her when he wrote to Atalia.

"We have a surprise for you," Jeremiah said as he forced Ezra into the chair and tied his arms down. He put an old rag in his mouth to muffle any yells and taped it to his face.

By this time Ezra's heart began to beat rapidly and he tried to glance around for an escape, but Jeremiah held his head forward with his hands. He felt too weak to struggle so he readied himself for whatever he was about to see. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust but when he saw her his heart sank. She'd been foolish enough to try and come for him. He closed his eyes and forced his head down, but the man pulled it back up.

"Watch it all Ezra," he said with a laugh.

Ezra sat there as one of the men began to force himself onto Marta. He tried to yell out but the gag in his mouth muffled any noise. He struggled with the ropes around his wrist, they began to bite into his skin drawing blood. He could see the terror in her eyes and his body began to shake with anger. His blood was starting to boil and he began to fight back at Jeremiah but his efforts seemed useless.

It wasn't until he saw the man about to brand her that his strength came together and the muscles he'd neglected began to work. He started kicking and thrusting his body around until Jeremiah couldn't handle him anymore. His face was low enough for Ezra to head butt him and when Jeremiah fell the chair did too causing one of the arm rest to snap. Ezra slid the rope off his hand and then untied the other. He removed the tape from his mouth and spit out the rag. His eyes were filled with rage and he wanted blood. He tried to open the door but Jeremiah had locked it from the inside.

He went over to the man he had once seen as his uncle and straddled him. "GIVE ME THE KEYS YOU BASTARD!" he yelled. When all the man did was laugh Ezra punched him in the face. The more he laughed the harder Ezra let his first fall until he was banging the older mans head against the pavement and his body was covered in blood. He heard the smash of the skull and suddenly Jeremiah went quiet and his body stopped movie. Ezra used a shaky hand to feel for a pulse, but found none. He crawled off the body and began searching for keys until his stomach couldn't take it anymore.

He began to vomit everything his body left in its system and then the rest of it was just stomach acid. He began to dry heave as he found the keys attached the belt loop and he walked over to the door on trembling legs. He looked back into the mirror and saw the man about to brand Marta again. She was crying and his anger began to grow once more.

When he finally made it to the room the iron was ready to touch her skin. He grabbed the boy by his shoulders and yanked him back to the ground forcing the object out of his hand. The two boys fell to the ground as Ezra yelled out in anger. He could hear Marta's cries which made him fight even harder. He was doing all this to protect her and he refused to fail. The boy was on top of him and he brought his hands up to guard his fast, but the kid was stronger in this position. After struggling and a few blows to head Ezra managed to maneuver himself so that he was on top. His hands found their way to the boys throats and he began to strangle him.

"You will never touch her again. You will never touch anyone again," Ezra said through clenched teeth as the life began to fade from the boys eyes. His spit began to fall on the kids face and he barley heard Isiah when he came running in.

"Ezra! Ezra! He's dead!" Isiah said yanking his friend off the lifeless corps.

Ezra swung at Isiah who managed to barley dodge it. Before he knew it Isiah wasn't holding Ezra's arms at his sides trying to calm him.

"Ezra, calm down. I need you to come back. Come back to me and Marta. She's safe now. You did your job. You succeeded," Isiah said as he glanced at Marta who seemed to scared to speak at the moment.

"Marta...Isiah," Ezra whispered as he looked at his hands stained in fresh blood. He had blood that wasn't his on his face and shirt and he could taste his own in his mouth. "I...I couldn't stop...I...what...what have I done Isiah...I killed them both."

Isiah let him go and went to untie Marta unsure of what to say. This would either work in Ezra's favor or it would be the death of all three of them.

"Marta...are you okay?" Isiah asked once he realized Ezra was still in shock unable to think or say anything besides how he killed both Jeremiah and his comrad.

Why Can't This Be? [arockysmith + tlstiffl]

Ezra looked out the window watching Marta disappear behind him. He held the sweater close to his body wondering what she could have packed him on such short notice. He glanced into the rearview mirror to see Jeremiah with a disgruntled look on his face. Isiah peeked over his shoulder and nudged Ezra on the knee with a smile.

“I would say this trip was a success despite the little outburst from Mr. Lover Boy’s girlfriend. I think this should happen more often. I hadn’t realized how much I missed Atalia until I had to leave her again,” he said with a sigh.

Jeremiah coughed, “You can do it again. Him not so much. I think he needs to be put in the dog house for a bit,” he said as he took a sharp turn.

Ezra shrank down into his seat a bit while Isiah frowned. He knew he was being pointed out for no fair reasons. He was supposed to hold the position of leader if anything happened to Jeremiah. He was supposed to lead the rebellion into war as nothing more than a blood thirsty animal. Ezra had been all for it without hesitation until today. Being with Marta and having her freak out on him made him realize that he wasn’t being true to himself. He was becoming a person that he didn’t even want to look at in the mirror. Isiah had been warning him and trying to stop the change, but Ezra hadn’t listened and it almost cost him Marta. He was still torn between doing what was right for him and doing what the other men wanted.

After a couple hours they finally arrived back at the farmhouse. They were greeted by the medical staff who reported that the three men Ezra had put in the infirmary had seemed to be recovering without issue, but they couldn’t do strenuous training. Ezra felt a pit form in his stomach. He’d forgotten about the three, Harrod being one of them. His knuckles began to hurt and he excused himself to his room while Jeremiah and Isiah checked on them. He locked the door and settled himself on his bed and opening up the sweater.

He smiled and ran his fingers along the cover the book and opened it up to one of the pages. A photo slipped out onto the ground. Confused he picked it up and and looked it over a moment before biting the inside of his cheek. He hadn’t realized Marta took one of his families photos with her when they departed and to see it now in front of him made his hands began to shake.

“Mom…” he whispered wiping a tear that began to roll down his cheek, “I wish I would’ve known I’d never see you again. I’d have been a better son. I’d have been reckless for you.”

He began to cry when he heard a knock on his door. He hesitated a moment and put the items under his pillow. There was another knock and he stood up slowly walking over to the door and opening it.

“Ezra, you’re not safe,” Isiah said pushing through and shutting the door behind him, “Jeremiah wants to break you...more than before. Marta freaking out on him and the way you guys acted in front of him. He wants to rip you to shreds Ezra. He’s a good man, I swear by that notion, but he’s got his head and heart acting against what he knows to be right. He felt better about himself because you were starting to lose it also, but now that you’re finding peace again he wants to take it away. You will be tested and you will be tortured…”

Ezra stood there listening not sure if he was understanding. “Isiah everyday I am tortured. What could they possibly do to make it worse? I am here alone. My father hasn’t sent word for me. I don’t know what he’s going home to. I don’t know if he’ll make it back. I can’t see my love and I am stuck here with men who want me only for my power.”

“Ezra...you will no longer be able to write Marta. You will be in combat training until you cannot move. Your food will be nothing but scraps. You are not safe. You need to leave,” Isiah said quietly, but Ezra refused to believe him.

“I cannot abandon my people Isiah. I owe these men my life. I will go through whatever they need me to and I will not lose who I am. Not again. I promised her,” he said just as the door was kicked in.

Daniel walked in arms crossed over his chest, “Ezra, it’s time for solitary. Pick one thing to keep you sane and then follow me.”

“Daniel, you know this isn’t right. He is a person, not a weapon. You should know just how wrong this is. You saw what happened to Micha in solitary. He killed himself because of it. Why are you and the others blindly following Jeremiah?” Isiah asked with a hint of pleading in his voice.

“It’s fine Isiah. I will keep sane and I will not kill myself. I will undergo whatever punishments they have for me,” Ezra said grabbing the book from under his pillow and walking out of the room, Daniel following.

He could feel the eyes of the other boys staring at him, wondering what could have possibly broken their killing machine. Daniel shoved him a bit forcing him to stumble and almost drop the book. He held it close to his chest and listened to the men yell slurs at him. He entered a room with no bed and a bucket for a toilet and one small light. He turned towards the door and closed his eyes just as Daniel shut the door. He could still hear Isiah calling after them pleading for another punishment.

Why Can't This Be? [arockysmith + tlstiffl]

Ezra stopped himself from walking further, turning to Marta with a smile to let her know that everything would be okay. In truth he wasn't sure what would happen. All he knew was that he wasn't going back the same person he'd been and it would cause some issues with the men, including Jeremiah. He brought his hands up and cupped her face placing a kiss gently on her forehead.

"My love you don't have to worry. I will keep up with my tasks and I will hold onto you in my heart and the moment we just shared. I will not be an animal anymore. I will keep myself together. Isiah will help," he said pulling her into a tight hug. "I won't turn into that person again....I promise to fight for us without resorting to violence first."

He could feel Jeremiah's eyes glaring into him trying to reach her. He was furious at Marta for breaking his weapon, but he would hold his anger in until the returned. "Ezra, we will eat and then leave. I expect you to hold up to your training and to deny the food, same with you Isiah," Jeremiah called before turning his back on them and going back into the cottage.

Ezra only nodded, not letting Marta see the rage that continued to burn inside his eyes. He would do his best to keep his words true, but it would test his limits.

Why Can't This Be? [arockysmith + tlstiffl]

Ezra laid on the blanket his cheeks flushed red from the slight embarrassment of having finished nearly too early. He put his hands over his face to hide the smile that was threatening to show itself. He had no idea what to expect, but being with her in the way they just had was more breathtaking than he had originally thought it would be. He let his hands fall to the side and he turned himself so that he was propped up on his elbow. Ezra allowed his fingers to trace the curves on her body before kissing her neck. He could see the small bruises forming where he had gotten greedy and bit her a few times. He could hear the birds chirping around them and splashing in the distance, which he assumed was Isiah and Atalia keeping themselves occupied.

“I guess this will be a birthday you’ll never forget,” Ezra said as he sat himself up and pulled his his underwear on.

He kept his eyes on her while he dressed wanting to memorize the way she looked. He hadn’t felt this blissful in months and he wasn’t sure when he’d get the chance to feel like this again. He knew right away it would have to be kept a secret, even from Isiah. His friend was open minded, but sex before marriage was not something to be taken lightly. He passed Marta her t-shirt so that she could began to cover up and he reluctantly pulled his eyes off her so that he could go take a piss a little farther down.

“Don’t...don’t go anywhere, but get dressed. If Jeremiah knows Isiah let me out of his sight for this long I won’t be the only one getting punished,” he said quietly and then walked off real quick.

His shirt was even dirtier than when he first got there, which he didn’t think was possible. Now it smelled of dirt and blood and a mixture of his sweat. He felt a little bad that he’d been too out of it to dress in something nicer. Sure enough she would know the blood wasn’t his, but he wasn’t sure if that thought would ease her mind or worry her once more. Ezra was definitely different than when he got here. His body less tense and his eyes held more life in them. He was smiling and he was opening himself up more than he could do at the compound. He began to wish he didn’t have to go back, but his people needed him. He finished relieving himself and walked back to Marta trying not to let himself get caught up in what was waiting for him back at his new home.

With a sigh he fixed himself up a bit more. “I hope it was as good as you dreamed of. I know this probably wasn’t your ideal setting...but I love you more than anyone or anything in this world. To stop would have been too hard when it’s all I’ve been wanting to do since that night. I don’t regret it Marta and I never will. I will marry you, I promise,” he said as he began to pack the blanket back into the bag while she finished getting herself together.

Why Can't This Be? [arockysmith + tlstiffl]

Ezra allowed her to hit him. He felt her anger with each blow and he refused to fight back. Her words cut into him like a knife and he refused to look at her any longer. He glanced over his shoulder to Isiah and Atalia who had walked away from them to try and salvage whatever time they had together, but still keeping in distance in case Ezra or Marta lost it completely. He listened to her breathing until it became steady and lighter. After a moment he closed his eyes wondering what he should do. Did he treat her like one of the guys or did he just let her berate him until he could no longer stand the sight of her face. He could feel Isiah watching him closely even though Atalia kept telling him to give them privacy.

He began to open his mouth to speak, but no words found their way out and it was clear to everyone the internal struggle he was going through. He had to be this way or he would fail his comrades, but if he kept it up he would fail himself and Marta. He stood there a moment more before opening his eyes to stare into hers. They were filled with fire, and it was his fault she felt the need to resort to violence.

Finally without anymore hesitation he gave in to her. His hands pulled her and his arms wrapped around her frame. He was feeling her for the first time in months. He nudged her head up with his own and kissed her fiercely. Every emotion he felt was being poured into her with that kiss. All the sadness and anger he had. His lips parted hers and his tongue danced around her mouth as his hands found their way into her hair, knotting his fingers together as he held her close. His body began to tremble and tears started to fall, but he refused to let her go. He needed her more than he allowed himself to believe, and having her here now fighting to break his walls down made his body feel weak. He brought them both to their knees only breaking for small gasps of air and he could hear a sigh of relief come from Isiah as he finally turned his attention to Atalia.

When Ezra finally let go of Marta he leaned his body down so that his head was at her knees and he let himself cry over all the loss he had suffered including himself. His arms wrapped around her waist and he refused to let go. She was his lifeline at that moment and he feared any minute now Jeremiah would rip him from her and he would fall to pieces.

“I’m trying so hard, Marta. I’m trying to be a man you can love and be proud of. Someone you can count on and believe in, but I just keep failing,” he sobbed as he brought his head up to look at her, “I keep seeing Oscar forcing you watch me die and him hitting you and I am just defenseless. I keep seeing my mother smiling at me or giving me a look of disapproval and I know I will never see her face again. I keep losing everyone I love and you’re here right now, but in a few hours I will be leaving and I will be back in that house fighting for a life that I no longer want to live to see anymore.”

He could hardly make out her face anymore through the sea of tears falling from his eyes. His body kept tensing up with each word and he began to struggle to breath. He reached for the pendant around his neck and held onto it tightly trying to find comfort, but failing miserably. He reached for her hand and brought it to his chest so that she could feel his heart beating.

“I just want to keep you safe, Marta. I want to look in your eyes and know I am not a failure. I need to know that I am not going through this for nothing. That you still love me even if I can’t love myself,” he whispered leaning his forehead against hers. “You are all I have left. I don’t know when I will see my father again. I will never see my mother again. You are my only life. I love you more than you realize. I wish we had run away from all of this when we had the chance. I wish I had married you before all of this and I wish I had taken you from this life of pain before it consumed me.”

He finally stopped crying, but he refused to move away from her. He gave her a small smile wanting nothing more than to kiss her again.

Why Can't This Be? [arockysmith + tlstiffl]

Ezra had stayed on the couch during the fight outside. He could hear Marta yelling at Jeremiah and it made him flinch a bit. She had no idea what was going on and she refused to be open with him about it. She should be yelling at him, not his leader. He watched as the others went outside making brief eye contact with Isiah who looked more confused and lost than anything else. He was holding Atalia’s hand and it made Ezra slightly angry. They could be ass affectionate as they wanted and it wasn’t frowned upon. He grasped the chain hanging from his neck for comfort since Marta’s warmth was longer with him.

Isiah had taken it upon himself to go after Marta leaving Atalia at the front door with a frown, but she ushered him to give chase. He was the only one who could tell her the truth, he had to let her know what was happening and how he was trying to stop it. He waited a moment outside of the shed for her too cool down and when he finally heard it become quiet inside he stepped in and closed the door behind him. He saw her shoulders shaking up and down and his heart began to ache for her.

“Marta...I won’t let you lose him. The men...their all blood thirsty to get revenge on the people who have wronged them, but nobody takes the lead in the way Ezra does. He is fighting a battle on both sides. One is to protect his people, his Jewish brothers and sisters, and the other is for you. He has more to lose and the most to gain in this fight. He is their icon, while also being someone they dislike. They don’t approve of you two, so he has to prove himself more. To show that he has not turned his back on us in the name of love. He is blood thirsty these days. Just yesterday before we began our drive he put three of our best soldiers….three of our best men into the infirmary. They are in critical condition just by him alone. I have tried to ease him back and he tells me of his fears and he cries to me Marta, but after losing his mom...he needs more than just me to bring him back to who he really is. You are his guiding voice...I cannot bring him any further. I was hoping this trip...seeing you and being around you would open his heart once again, but if it is too much for you I understand. I won’t burden you with it...but I think if he spends the day with you...with me and Atalia that he will open enough,” Isiah said sitting down next to her and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. He knew he was asking her for a lot, but at this moment he couldn’t keep it to himself anymore.

Jeremiah walked into the living room to check on Ezra who was sitting there emotionless. The man walked over to the boy and shook him roughly. “You give her what she wants, but not too much Ezra. You can pretend you’re feeling without really doing it,” he said sharply.

Ezra flinched a bit at his words, “I...I’m trying Jeremiah. Seeing her...it makes me want to cave and it makes me want her love and I know I shouldn’t because then I won’t be able to protect her,” he said clenching his jaw.

“You are acting weak. You are not the man who put Harrod, Joshua, or Elijah in the infirmary last night. You are pathetic. If you do not get yourself together then you will only be the downfall of our team,” Jeremiah said slapping him in the face.

Ezra kept his eyes to the ground as he heard a gasp escape Atalia’s mouth. “I will not falter and I will not fail, sir. I will remain emotionally detached from her. I will only give her enough to appease her desires and I will make sure it is not genuine. I will lead our fight to Hitler and I will take his life one day for the good of our people and for her,” he said as a tear fell down his cheek. He glanced at Atalia who refused to make eye contact with him.

He was no longer the Ezra anybody knew, and the fight to be this brand new person was eating away at him. He didn’t want to be this cold or this harsh, but it was what everyone kept telling him he needed to be. His feelings made him weak and that meant Marta had the power to either destroy his resolve or to fuel it.

*POSITIVE* LGBT++ hangout, anybody? *CIS/STRAIGHT WELCOME TOO* :D

@HalfOfLancelot duuuuude! I spent time in the guild crush thread writing tina belcher type fanfics xD

Why Can't This Be? [arockysmith + tlstiffl]

Ezra returned the kisses, but his body was more tense than it used to be. She hadn't seemed to notice though, which he found as a good sign. He allowed her to have her way with him and to move him about without resistance as he tried to process the emotions flowing through him. Jeremiah was right. He was feeling things he hadn't felt in months and to be around her again, to smell her hair and to feel the softness of her skin against his made his body tremble a bit, but he did his best to keep strong and to not allow any slip ups.

"We came for your birthday. Isiah is upstairs now with Atalia I assume. He convinced Jeremiah I needed this,” Ezra said slowly to make sure he picked his words carefully. He moved her legs a little bit and reached into the pocket of his pants pulling out a small gold necklace with the star of david hanging on it almost matching Ezra’s, “I hope you like it. I had to send Isiah out for it because I wasn’t allowed back in town yet. If you don’t want it I can just get rid of it. I don’t even know if you’re allowed to wear that. I can only have mine on at the farmhouse.”

His words were soft and they appeared to be rehearsed like he had practice saying everything before meeting with her. He let out a bit of a sigh as he realized he hadn’t wished her a happy birthday. He blushed just slightly and regained composure quickly.

“Happy birthday, Marta. We have the day planned for you. I hope you don’t mind Isiah and Atalia tagging along though. Jeremiah made him in charge of watching me and making sure I don’t slip up like I did,” he said forcing a smile on his face.

He wanted to pull her completely onto his lap and to kiss her with blind intensity, but he restrained himself. The training over the past week had done him good. He refused to be brought under by her warmth. If he allowed himself to give in just a bit his lust for blood would quit and he would let everyone down. He decided to keep his mother’s death a secret for a bit longer. There was no need to bring her mood down so soon in their encounter.

After a moment he reached his hand over to push the hair from her face, but his hand hesitated slightly and then fell before touching her. He felt an ache in his chest that seemed to be there since he first laid eyes on her and he could feel the tears ready to come again as his vision of her blurred. He was struggling internally with what he wanted to do vs what he needed to do. The lines seemed to blur and he could feel his resolve began to shift when a tear rolled down his cheek.

Seeing her might bring back emotions you haven’t felt in a while. You’re a whole new person. You won’t be able to protect anybody.

Jeremiah’s words echoed in his head forcing a change in how he handled himself. He gently slid her legs off his lap and sat up straighter, more alert. “I’m sorry. I can’t...I can’t give in to you. I need to stay strong. I need to stay unattached. I won’t be able to protect you if I let myself feel,” he whispered trying to avoid eye contact.