Celaira — Roleplayer Guild

@Jangel13 I sent this to you in PM as well, but I thought it might be a good idea for others to see it too. Please, keep in mind that, we are more than willing to work with you. So, if you want help, just ask.

So, first thing you notice when looking at this character is that the appearance is only one line. Now, while he does have a picture, and that would due to describe most of his overall  appearance, does he really walk around with those clothes on? Does he never change? Never put his hair up? 

I don’t know about anyone else, but does the personality seem a bit off? I can’t really place exactly what’s wrong with it. It seems 2-dimensional, so maybe that’s it, but I might also be missing something here. 

So, the history is a good length. Good job on that. However, you failed to explain a few things, that would probably be important to make his backstory more believable. What were his parents involved in Politically? You only say they’re politicians, that’s not really enough information, especially with there being assassins sent after them. Why were they assassinated? Again, what did they do? Who did they oppose? You’re allowed to make lore for this world, so if you want to make something up here to further your character, go for it!  

Prae generally know about their abilities at birth, especially if it’s something like elemental manipulation. I don’t know if we’ve been over this, so I don’t fault you for not knowing. Now, if his parents didn’t go through the proper channels, that’s one thing. However, the control you’re expressing that he has over his ability, given his state of mind, doesn’t really make sense. You talk about a kid who, mostly grew up normal, correct? He wouldn’t have the aptitude to be able to torture a trained assassin for information. You don’t say how old he was at the time of the event, so we’re left to assume he was a child. Given that, the fact that he could do any of that is surprising.

Continuing from the fact that we have no idea how old this character is at this point, would he even really know what he would need to “get stronger,” it would be helpful if you explained what he grabbed. What would his parents have had lying around the house that could have helped him get stronger in any way?

Okay, I’m gonna have to stop you right there. Prae are trained to use their abilities by other Prae. It is very unlikely that he would have any kind of skill with actual combat if all he’d been doing was training by himself. You can’t fix mistakes like that, you just engrain them in yourself. Also, wait, he spent 20 years training, does that mean he was previously 30 when the death of his parents transpired? Why was he in school if that was the case? Unless you’re saying he waited 30 more years before going on the warpath, in which case, carry on.

 As a Prae who is just senselessly killing people, it’s unlikely his race would allow that to stand. Especially if it was humans, because of the sensitivity of their liaising with them. It’s more likely that he would’ve been captured, and returned to their home realm. Where did this child come from? Where was he that a child found him? 

So, he basically became the monster in the end? He would know that apologizing would do nothing for that kid, he’s been through it, right?

How did he become enlightened? What exactly did he do--by himself--that would have made him an enlightened individual? 

Given that he killed a lot of people, he would not have simply gotten a ten year sentence. That’s not how court works, good behavior or not. You can’t be a teacher if you’re a felon, especially if you want to teach kids. Granted, you don’t express who you’re trying to teach.

He was disappointed in his own kind, even though he went on a murderous rampage? 

Given that he didn’t want anymore suffering, wouldn’t he stay away from a movement that would obviously cause harm to others? No matter which side he joined, there would be bloodshed. Being that he’s enlightened, he should know that.

As to your staff, please explain. I don’t really understand what you’re talking about. I’m not good with weapons, however, so as I stated with the personality section, I may just be missing something. 

Ice melts. Is he constantly using his ability to maintain the ice? If so, that would make him like a walking neon sign saying, “Prea here! Come and get it!”

At least try to express his mental and physical capabilities. He has to have some physical prowess since he uses a staff as his weapon rather than say, a gun. 

Descriptions of the abilities. What are their limits? How does he use them? What can he do with them? Etc.
Celaira Member

Lore Mistress

Status

Recent Statuses

Bio

Most Recent Posts
