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6 yrs ago
Current It's called the circle of life because life is pointless.
6 yrs ago
"I should go." - Commander Shepard
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6 yrs ago
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humour.
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6 yrs ago
I want to travel to Prague so I can Czech it off the list of places to visit.
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6 yrs ago
I ordered 1000 kilograms of Chinese soup. It was wonton.
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Are you ready for a miracle?
Mountain Dew Quickscope


Mountain casually hummed All Star by Smash Mouth as he walked into the building. When he and the Thule Twins entered, he immediately took note of its architecture. It looked like a cleaner and more modern version of Der Eisendrache from Black Ops III, but without the blood and zombies. And snow. But the map looked pretty badass already, or at least the pre-game lobby did. It was nothing compared to the Temple of Gaben, but it still looked badass. Mountain whistled in appreciation. "This place is dank as shit. Is this where the fighting's gonna be?" He asked.

Davian shook his head. "Afraid not. This is the Inquisitional College building."

Mountain nodded as he ran a hand through his messy black hair. The trio continued to walk, and Mountain noticed that there were numerous hallways and desks on each side, though they were blocked by simplistic rope barriers. They were probably invisible walls and world borders to prevent people from getting out of the map. It was probably for the best, though. Mountain had already glitched himself out of reality itself once.

He did not want to do that again.

Eventually, the quickscoper and the twins stopped at a door that was so white Mountain was afraid it would ask for a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks in a stupid Californian Valley Girl accent nobody liked. Except Americans. Those people were weird. Both Davian and Aralynn stood at opposite sides of the door and cocked their heads at the door. Taking the cue, Mountain mentally pressed the X button in front of it. The doors immediately swung open by themselves, and Mountain strode into a large atrium with a domed glass ceiling. The walls were decorated with large mosaics of things Mountain didn't recognise. Who made mosaics if they weren't pixel art? Mountain puzzled over this as he glanced over the potted plants in the area.

"Alright, Mountain," Aralynn said suddenly, snapping him out of his thoughts. "This is where the journey will begin. This is where the tournament will begin." She motioned towards one of the podiums.

Davian stepped up next to his sister. "Good luck, Chosen of Gaben." With that, the two turned away and walked off. Mountain shrugged. Guess he was on his own now. It didn't matter. Mountain worked alone and played with himself most of the time, sometimes with Daniel. He wondered how his best friend was doing back home. He got accepted into the Steam School of MLG, the most prestigious trickshotting academy in all of Mlgolia. Apparently he was doing pretty damn well with his Akimbo Model 1887 shotguns, but Mountain hadn't seen him since the Fall of Origin and death of Andrew Wilson.

But whatevs, it was time for a whole new adventure. Mountain looked towards the podiums and picked the one furthest away, before teleporting there. He disappeared in a flash of green light, before popping back into existence behind it. His powers hadn't been restricted yet since the tournament hadn't begun yet, but Mountain knew he had to think crafty when using his nerfed teleportation ability. Reaching into the dimension in his back pocket, he pulled out a can of ice-cold Mountain Dew Kickstart.

After all, he needed to be alert and awake before commencing the slaughtering.

Popping it open and taking a nice chug as the caffeine and electrolytes flowed into his body, he looked around and noticed that the other contestants had entered. He continued to take intermittent sips of the fruit punch-flavoured beverage as he eyed the competition with his eyes. Those glowing orange eyes were sharp; they helped him quickscope many targets and watched out for enemy throwing knives. Those same eyes had also seen boobs in real life. A rare achievement.

He examined the armoured halberdier. The guy wore what appeared to be plate armour and wielded a large halberd. Melee-type, Mountain thought. Doesn't seem to have any ranged weapons. Stupid Commando tactical knifers. Annoying shits. A headshot should do. Should easily pierce through armour.

Next was the shrine maiden. Her body was covered in scars, and she was missing an arm. Lol what is this? That one bitch from that crappy Japanese bullet hell game? Mountain smirked. And without an arm or weapons, she should be easy to take down. He rubbed his chin. Yeah, unless she doesn't have any melee perks.

The black-armoured woman. Hmm. That looks like a jetpack. Indeed, the white-haired woman had a large device on her back which looked like an oversized jetpack. Go for the weak point. Shoot the fuel tanks first. He looked at her guns. Whoa, those are some bigass guns. Gotta be careful around them. Wouldn't want to get cheesed by a noob dual-wielding OP guns. He scrutinised her armour. Looks tough. Probably switch to Doritos when needed. They're armour-piercing and explosive.

He sized up the guy wearing weird armour. He kind of looked like a Juggernaut from both Modern Warfares. His helmet was weird, though. What is this? Pyramid Head's brother from the future. He looks ridiculous. However, Mountain quickly noticed his guns, and a pit of slight fear formed in his stomach. Aw, shit. Is that an ACR? Shiiiiiiiit. The most OP gun in CoD history. Fucking no-skill noob. True, ACRs were absurdly overpowered with their lack of recoil and ridiculous damage even with numerous patches, though they were still no match for his legendary AWP.

After the Pyramid Head wannabe was the fox girl. Ohohoho, what is this? A weeaboo furry? Mountain snickered at the thought. Nine tails, huh? What bullshit anime is she from? Hmm... He examined her. Even though she was hot as fuck, she had nine fluffy tails and a pair of fox-like ears, and Mountain promised that he would never make love with one of those furries. Fucking furries. She had no weapons, though since the kitsuone or however it was pronounced was Japanese, she probably had some weird anime magic like shooting big blue balls from her tails or something. Suddenly, a song got stuck in his head. What does the fox say? Dingdingding- NO! STOP! THAT FUCKING SONG! Mountain took a breath to get it out and filled his mind with tunes from Linkin Park instead. Okay. Hm, fox spirit. Probably agile, cunning? I dunno.

Then was the weird man/woman in black armour. Mountain couldn't tell. What is this? Dark Souls? This one confused Mountain the most. He wasn't exactly what to think of her, but he assumed a quick noscope would do the trick.]But she has a sword. Might be harder to take down in melee. Stay at range and keep hardscoping.

Following up was the dragon girl. And boy was she hot. HOLY SHIT! THOSE BOOBS! Okay, forget about the no fucking furries before. This one is totally fuckable. He stared at her golden dress and hairstyle, almost missing the horns on her head. Thing is, she had a pair of massive wings. Shit. Flying type. Hate those. He frowned, before smirking. But she should be vulnerable in the air. Shoot the wings. Strange, though. She looked an awful lot like a humanised version of a particular monster from a movie, what with her colour pattern and dragon parts.

The white elf girl was next. Hmm, Elsa is that you? Mountain chuckled. Snow powers. Probably it. Rapier? Easy. One of those speedy types, huh? He hated those. They were so hard to hit. Gotta time my shots just right. If she freezes me, my mixtape should melt the ice.

The skeleton with a mushroom hat. Mmm, mushroom soup. Mountain reached into his back pocket and pulled out a Mountain Dew grenade. It looked like a regular can of Dew, but with a pin and spoon. Last time I checked, skeletons are weak to electricity damage. Shock should fry the shrooms, and I can go on a drug trip.

The thing that looked like a purple ball with a mouth and a pair of legs followed. Whoa! Pac-Man, is that you? Oh shit, he's gonna eat me! The quickscoper once again snickered at that as he shoved his grenade back into his pocket. Probably can kill him if I toss a grenade in there. Blow him up from the inside out.

Next, the huge-ass armoured giant. Big guy in armour. Might be hard to penetrate. No ranged weapons, though. Probably super slow. Huge enemies are always slow. And besides, the bigger they are the more that they'll bleed. Boy what is up with that armour? There's so much bling on it!

The Asian guy in a tuxedo, holding a conductor's baton. Asian guy! What is he doing outside a sweatshop? He stared at the man's conductor. Musical attacker, eh? Can't say I'm surprised. These guys are so tough for some reason. Like that one time I beat the Shrednought! He recalled that epic battle with Daniel where the two of them fought against the God of Metal. The two shredded so hard they ripped a hole in reality, banishing the Shrednought to an eternity of listening to Justin Bieber songs. Blast him with dubstep. That should work.

Next came the pirate. Whoa, Cap'n Crunch! I love that cereal! He thought of his favourite breakfast food second to Doritos mixed with Mountain Dew and weed. Is this guy even a threat? What is he- a cereal killer?

Finally, the gigantic ogre. Mountain stared at it, as if he was a loss for words. ...Well. That was unexpected. Mountain considered going for the usual strategy he used to defeat huge bosses: get underneath them and quickscope them in the balls. But the ogre had so much fat (he was fatter than His Holy Rotundness Gaben) Mountain doubted it would work. He was still convinced it would cause an 8 magnitude earthquake if it hit the ground.

Looking around for any more competitors and finding one, Mountain cracked his neck, finished up his drink, and tossed the can behind him, which exploded. Strangely, it didn't do any damage at all. A man came over the intercom, announcing what the City of Echoes was in the first place. There were going to be gods and demons and money and stuff, and Mountain was excited. It sounded like a really good open world RPG. He was probably going to get distracted by the sidequests.

Suddenly, the spotlights around the room lit up and illuminated several weird necklace things. Apparently, they were called 'phylacteries', and the souls of every competitor was bound to one of them, and if one was killed, then his or her soul would go to the one who killed the wearer.

Of course, Mountain wasn't listening. He was too bust playing around with the necklace to care. So, when the announcer read out the rules and regulations, he didn't really catch any of it. Though he caught bits and pieces like not attacking other competitors he wasn't matched up with and not attacking college staff, but he still wasn't really listening. However, he was sent back to reality when vents around the room started filling the area with fog. Mountain stared at it for a second before shrugging and putting the phylactery around his neck. He drew his AWP. "Let's play."
@Lugubrious

Before I get my next post up, have we already entered the city? And do our characters appear far apart from each other?
@Indra

Your character takes genderfluidity to the next level.
@Lugubrious Lmp brings up a question I want to ask. Are we allowed to create secondary characters if our primary dies?
Mountain Dew Quickscope

Mountain’s Home, Montage City, Steam, Mlgolia
March 18, Meme Year 2017


It was another beautiful day in the mystical land of Mlgolia. Birds were chirping and flowers were blooming, not to mention the faint symphony of airhorns playing Darude - Sandstorm. The Giant Dorito Sun was shining its little rays of cancer on anyone outside. Montage City was the great jewel of the land of Steam, mostly because it housed Valve’s HQ, the greatest company ever and land of the PC Master Race. The city itself looked like a mismatched but beautiful blend of Los Angeles, New York, and Washington DC. Cars raced through the city streets as bland, one-sided NPCs milled around the place in a preset walk pattern with no personality whatsoever. It was a perfect day indeed.

“I FUUUUUUUCKED YOUR MOOOOOOOOOOOOM!”

And there it is. Not this shit again.

“Hey, what’s your problem? You know it’s tradition to insult the audience at the start of every new adventure.”

Yeah, yeah. Every. Single. Fucking. Time.

“We went through this like three times already. Get used to it, buddy.”

I know. Jeez, stop being so pushy.

“Whatever, man.”

Thank you. Down below, in the sprawling suburbs of Montage shaded by trees and vegetation, sat a completely normal two-storey house. Normal in every way if one were to ignore the blue and red Lamborghini Centenario parked in the garage, the garden growing nothing by weed, the flamethrowers mounted to the entrance, and the bullet-riddled target dummies outside, some of which appeared to be completely incinerated, while others had been blown to bits.

Ah, who am I kidding? It wasn't normal at all. Also, it wasn't normal because of one thing: it was the home of Mountain Dew Quickscope, the latest Quickscope Master and Gaben's Chosen, not to mention champion of hundreds of MLG tournaments.

Inside, on a comfy leather sofa in front of a Samsung 4K UHD curved TV, sat Mountain Quickscope, an Xbox 360 controller in his hands. The nineteen year-old sat in almost complete darkness as all the windows in his home were closed, and the crystal clear sound of noob harvesting could be heard all through the building, blasting out of massive speakers in the living room. The quickscoper looked relatively average, with messy black hair he obviously didn't bother to comb. He was out of his usual attire, wearing a simple Half-Life tee and light blue jeans with Doritos fragments on them. The only unusual thing about him would probably be his eyes, which faintly glowed orange with pure MLG energy. He, of course, got them after obtaining badass powers after becoming the latest Quickscope Master, a line of legendary heroes and technical demigods.

Right now, he was performing his daily ritual of hardscoping noobs in Black Ops II, the game perfectly suited for quickscoping. Every single game he played in lead to his team delivering a curb stomp with him always landing some completely over-the-top across-the-map 1080 noscope trickshot. His K/D ratio was simply unfathomable; he killed far more people in each game that what would be physically possible. Twice, he was accused of hacking by some six year-old squeaker, and twice he had killed the accusers by quickscoping them from his living room (he simply opened up a voice channel with them and shot his speakers. The bullet came out through the accusers' speakers and headshotted them).

After another victory with the enemy team somehow scoring negative one, Mountain got hungry and quit the lobby. He put down his controller and went to go get something to eat. He pondered what to eat for a while, before he made up his mind. He got up from the piece of furniture and walked over to his kitchen counter and retrieved a slice of Wonder Bread. Then, he walked out his house to his garden that grew nothing but marijuana, and sliced off a leaf from the nearest plant. He rolled up the leaf in his bread like a breaddy joint, and lit it on fire using a flamethrower mounted to his wall. He then proceeded to swallow the flaming yeasty joint in one go. He could feel the healthy vegetables entering his body. Satisfied, he walked back in, when he suddenly felt a burning pain in his throat. The floury joint was still burning down there. Rushing over to his refrigerator, he grabbed a carton of apple juice and poured its contents into a glass. Tossing the carton back into the fridge and slamming the door shut, he picked up the cup and drank the glass, tossing the juice out the window, which covered a random bird with the acidic liquid, causing it to melt into the ground. Mountain gave a satisfied sigh, before making his way back to his rig to play some Modern Warfare 2, the best CoD in his opinion.

Then, all of a sudden, there was a knock on the door. Groaning, Mountain brushed the Doritos off his clothes and trudged towards the door. "It better not be that Vault-Tec sales representative again." He muttered, before proceeding to literally rip the door off its hinges. The two strangers outside yelped and jumped backwards, obviously not expecting such a hostile response. Mountain let the door lean against the wall next to it, before examining the two.

They were both wearing overly decorated grey cloaks with weird insignias and symbols. One was a man, the other was a woman. They looked somewhat alike with matching ginger hair and green eyes. Everything from the way they dressed to the way they stood was almost identical, except for gender, of course. Then again, Mountain stopped arguing with those idiots who claimed that there were seventy-six genders. Mountain was still pretty sure that there were only three genders: male, female, and attack helicopter. As he continued to stare at the strangers, he started getting BioShock: Infinite flashbacks. "Please don't tell me you're gonna say something like 'bring us the girl and wipe away the debt'."

"What?" The man asked in an accent that thankfully wasn't British. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, good. You're not the Lutece Twins." Mountain breathed a sigh of relief, before a scowl overtook his features. "Goddammit. Are you Jehovah's Witnesses or something? Why do you keep interrupting my MLG playthroughs? Come on, the first time you interrupted me was when I was trying to beat Round 2151 on Nazi Zombies while streaming on Twitch. You assholes made me lose."

The cloaked strangers glanced at each other for a second, before straightening up. "We are not these 'Jehovah's Witnesses' you speak of. Allow us to introduce ourselves" The man said in a surprisingly professional tone. "My name is Davian Thule, and this is my sister, Aralynn Thule. We're representatives of the Inquisitional College." The woman nodded. Mountain folded his arms and raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

"The Inquisitional College? Never heard of it. Are you some new game developer or something?" He asked.

"No, we are not." The woman said, holding out a small brown box. "Mountain Dew Quickscope. You have been recognised as Gaben's Chosen and the latest Quickscope Master. You saved this realm more than once, and gained immensely powerful weapons and powers along the way. Therefore, we saw fit to offer you a place in the Crucible, a tournament that offers the champion whatever they want as a reward."

"Whoaaaaaa. Is that some badass new MLG tournament or something? And anything I want?" Mountain smiled. "Sweet! Then I want to become the greatest quickscoper to ever exist."

"We can grant you that, should you accept and win. Be wary as there are many powerful challengers you shall be facing."

"Meh, I can take them. I've fought literal gods before, you know."

"Very well. Your name will be on the roster. However, before we do that, there are some... restrictions on your powers."

Mountain frowned. "Okay, like what kind of restrictions?"

Davian rummaged through his pockets and took out a parchment. "First of all, you are too powerful." That made Mountain beam with pride. Someone was jealous of his badass powers. "So, your teleportation ability will be reduced heavily." Davian continued to read the paper. "You will no longer be allowed to freely teleport. You can now teleport a maximum of two metres, with a short cooldown in between jumps."

Mountain visibly inflated at that. "What?! That's some cheese right there. Just because my powers are that badass doesn't mean they should be nerfed! Whoever decided on that is a gigantic asshole!" He cried, turning away to glare at some unseen being.

Davian gave a questioning look. "Second of all, your Dew Shield will be removed, along with your super speed."

"Seriously?"

"Yes. That is all. Do you still want to accept?"

Mountain considered this. His powers would be nerfed, making him have less defence and mobility, but his weapons still packed a punch. He still kept his pocket dimension, so he could still drink Mountain Dew whenever he wanted. Mountain continued to think, not noticing that it had begun raining. Then, as lightning struck, he gave a wordless nod before snapping the broken door back into place and disappearing into the darkness of his home.

Roughly two seconds later, the door opened in the way doors are supposed to. When he reappeared, his looked completely different. His hair was still a mess, but it didn't look like he had just woken up. He had changed out of his casual attire, and was now wearing his Professional Trickshotting gear. His Half-Life tee had been replaced by a FaZe Clan T-shirt, under a grey MLG hoodie. Hanging around his neck was a glowing red and black EACH G4000 Noise Cancelling Headset. His dirty worn blue jeans were now brand-new dark blue ones, secured by a black belt. On his feet were a pair of black and green sports shoes, and a pair of black armoured tactical fingerless gloves fitted snugly on his hands. Strapped on his back was the legendary AWP in its final form: Dragon Lore. The weapon had been blessed by Lord Gaben himself, and its standard .338 Lapua chamber had been replaced with one that took the much more powerful .50 caliber round. The gun itself had a disembodied dragon spirit residing in it. The spirit gave the gun additional stopping power, and made it nigh indestructible. It also bestowed the gift of infinite range and no bullet drop, essentially turning it into a infinite range death laser. Mountain named it the Dewrito for obvious reasons. A KAP-40 Automatic Pistol was holstered to his right thigh, a weapon of pure destructiveness at close range, though it was practically useless and longer ranges.

Mountain cocked his head. "I'm ready to roll, baby!" He said, the Holy Light of Gaben shining through the clouds and illuminating him and him alone in a ray of golden light.

Davian and Aralynn nodded in unison. "Very well. Follow us, please." They said as they stepped into the rain which had grown so heavy it made a white screen of water. Mountain idly noted that he hadn't noticed the rain before. He hastily shrugged the thought and pulled out an umbrella. He opened it and ran towards them. "Wait for me! I'M GOING ON AN ADVENTURE!"

Then, as soon as it started, the storm abruptly stopped, and Mountain suddenly found himself standing in the middle of a paved courtyard in front of a massive building. There was the faint silhouette of a city down below. "Huh," Mountain muttered, tossing the umbrella away, which promptly exploded as soon as it hit the ground. "That's new." He smirked. "'Bout time we got a new map." With that, he shook off the last bits of rain and jovially followed the Thule Twins into the foyer of the Inquisitional College.

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NPC

Those pauldrons though.
@Lugubrious

Serious NPC here.

I have a list of serious characters to use.
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