Kalleth

MINERVA FORCE

Masher

My boy, the aeroplane is the invention of the devil . . . and will never play any part in such a serious business as the defence of the nation!

Sam Hughes, 1914

Art jerked to alertness when the Osprey lurched, clutching his rifle. He’d been on patrols before in a Cormorant or a Griffon, but not so frequently that he’d ever gotten fully comfortable hurtling through the sky at high speeds. The RCAF guys used to laugh and laugh at him, before finally relenting and giving him a barf bag. Even Wendell had barely kept from losing his friggin’ mind watching as he struggled to deal with the experience of flying.

“I see why you never tried for Air Force,” Wendell wryly remarked when they finally touched down back at the base in Borden.

God he missed Wendell now. Still his old spotter was probably faring well enough, no doubt a new Ranger would already be working with him on some SovOps.

“Estimated ten minutes out from destination.”

Art took a deep breath and sighed. He was ready for some action, after all this smoke and mirrors around the things that he had seen in Afghanistan. I mean, he was a fan of sci-fi novels, movies, even a couple video games now and again. This, he decided, was truly and utterly the weirdest patrol he would probably ever go on. Nobody was saying the word, not even the Commander, Damirón, would say the word, as he gave them the formal mission briefing. Art could tell they were all thinking it.

“Alien.” You didn’t quite want to believe it, but if you said it aloud that somehow made it seem more real. He cast an eye at his fellow operators. He hadn’t gotten too much time to break ice, find out who the Wendells were. Wendell always made you feel welcome whether it was on patrol or on base. Sure, if an op called for it he could be no nonsense, but you always understood he was just giving you the same respect he afforded everything when it came to being a Ranger. Of course, by that same token he had yet to figure out if there were any Jeans. Sorry, Colonel Mckenny. What a prick that guy was.

If there were any Jeans, he sure hoped they stuck clear of the firing range when he was practicing. He never missed where he was aiming, and he couldn’t guarantee he wouldn’t look in their direction if they did manage to intrude on his target practice.

“Go ahead now and equip them.”

Art produced the webcam he’d been handed at Alpha Sentinel from a hip pouch. It was sleek, expensive-looking, and made a gentle beep when he fitted the band around his helmet. That one piece of kit alone told Art he wasn’t playing for the Canucks any longer. The CAF were great, charming, and all around solid guys and gals. He would never say anything to imply otherwise. Of course, they were also cheap as hell. This camera probably cost more than it took to outfit a single ranger.

“Eight minutes out, going into hover.”

The Osprey decelerated and even over the general ear-numbing din of an operational tiltrotor aircraft, Art could make out the sound of the jets changing into helicopter rotors. As the rest of his squadron donned webcams, and he scanned their faces through visors and helmets and other gear, he was struck by the impression that he might very well be the youngest operator in attendance. There was every possibility that he might be the least experienced, and that the others backgrounds trumped his own categorically. He couldn't help but let out a bemused comment over the designated channel as the Osprey hurtled onward to their destination.

So I'm told they brought me on because I'm the best shot in this hemisphere. What about the rest of you? Some of you are old enough to be desk jockeys, by the look of you. What sort of shitholes were you dragged out of to end up in the loading bay of this lovely bird?

MINERVA FORCE

Canadian Killshot

Arthur “Art” Cahill
“Masher”

---

___________________________________ P R O F I L E Age 25, (b. 19/03/91) Sex Male Race/Ethnicity Irish-Canadian Nationality Canada Spoken Languages English, French, Ojibway, Cree, Inuktut Hometown Ottawa, Ontario Height 5’7” (170 cm) Weight 160 lbs (72.5 kg) ___________________________________ E Q U I P M E N T - Primary Weapon: M2010 Sniper Rifle - Secondary Weapon/Sidearm: Sig Sauer P320 - Utility Items: Tactical Vest, SBAS (Sniper Body Armour), CAN Bayonet 2000 (combat knife), Gerber Soldiers’ Multi-Tool, C5 CBRN Low Burden Gas Mask, Rheinmetall Canada Argus Integrated Soldier System Suite (Radio/Comms), C8 Smoke Grenade x2 ____________________________________ A T T R I B U T E S Athletics: 10 Dexterity: 12 (10 + 2 = 12) Perception: 15 (10 + 5 = 15) Willpower: 13 (10 + 3 = 13) Charisma: 10 Modifiers: (None)

____________________________________________________________________________ APPEARANCE Arthur Cahill is a light-skinned blonde man with hazel eyes. Athletically built but on the slender side, he wears his hair in a short fade on the sides but with a long braid along the top, “viking” style. For facial hair, Arthur keeps a neat moustache in the pyramid style. Always quick to offer a bright smile, Arthur’s face is angular, with prominent cheekbones and a weak chin. His nose is small and pointed downward. A kind person would call his likeness sharp, a rude one might compare him to a rodent. In everyday civilian life, Arthur prefers to dress for an active lifestyle. Oversized breathable shirts that can be easily discarded and practical spandex shorts under khakis are his typical outfit of choice. His only regular accoutrement across all occasions is a 1927 Falkenauge Montblanc wristwatch, a family heirloom that he has had since he turned eighteen. Arthur has three tattoos. The first is located on his right breast, in black ink, and depicts a falcon in flight carrying a banner that reads “Libertatem Bello”. The second is a colour sleeve on his left arm featuring a forested lake scene and various animals from the Canadian Shield. (Arthur has named each animal.) Lastly, he has a tattoo that simply reads “Resilience” written in Courier font located on his right wrist, typically obscured by his wristwatch. ____________________________________________________________________________ PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE Subject is prone to bouts of anti-social behaviour characterized by wilful isolation. When conducting assessments, the request for the tests to be completed independently was made, and when rejected, subject was visibly agitated. Subject operates at higher than average competency under psychological stressors. Particularly resilient where concerns the difficulties imposed by exposure to the elements and low social engagement. Projected resistance to battle stress-based traumas for the subject is quite high, though this result may be skewed by the subject’s lack of strong support network. (I.E. Self-sufficiency masking a low threshold for high-impact events.) Despite a poor score on social-emotional indexes, the subject displays remarkably sophisticated introspection and abstract conceptual abilities coupled with a pronounced desire to achieve perfection. These strengths likely account for the subject’s long record of impressive performance in competitive contexts. Accessible records show the subject progressed through basic training with relatively scant issues. No prior incident reports re: service personnel conflicts, and subject had received two recommendations for elevation to CO prior to attachment to Minerva Force. Both recommendations, it should be noted, carried the following attached statement, co-signed by Col. Jean Mckenny. “This ranger’s promotion subject to attachment with other high-proficiency units, barring any possibility of requiring that the above be held in command of any subordinates. I cannot stress this enough, that [REDACTED] might be the best shot in the corps but he won’t be responsible for anybody in my [REDACTED] Patrol Group.” Other relevant factors at play are the subject’s relative youth, short service career, and poor socialization. These may aggravate any future operations where the subject is required to “play well” with others. This analyst’s recommendation is that the subject be placed strictly in roles where they will not be required to rely upon significant personnel support and consequently will not be expected to support any personnel in turn. ____________________________________________________________________________ BIOGRAPHY Transcript of Interview Audio Recording: “These questions are all too boring. You want to know about Arthur Cahill? That’s ‘kaa-huhl,’ not ’cay-hill.’ Here’s what you need to know. I grew up in Ottawa, the national capital, at a way too expensive school. You know the kind, an ‘academy’ bearing the name of some founding father or the like. I wasn’t rich. I was just a lucky orphan. Canada’s always prized education, or at least, well, that’s all just politics. The point is I went to a stuffy school, full of self-important brown-nosing teachers and students who had too many silver spoons and not enough places to stick ‘em. So growing up I had a pretty low opinion of most of the people I happened to spend time around. The sole exception? Well this fancy academy just so happened to moonlight as the national biathlon team’s training centre in the off-season. Lucky me, eh? I made actual friends there. The coach let me hang around, and even though most of the kids were years and years older, they were good about indulging my interest. That’s where I learned to shoot. The skiing was incidental. That was back when I was still a kid.” [inaudible] “I moved around a bit after that. Joined the Rangers. That’s just about all the [REDACTED] foster care people could tell me about my parents; that I’d been a military brat but my folks never came back. You’d think the records they kept would tell me more. Maybe it was all [REDACTED]. Either way, I stuck with it. Civvies were all grade-A [REDACTED] but in the Rangers, you knew where you stood. Good people. Lots of natives, but if you knew the first thing about them, you’d know that’s part of what makes the Rangers special. They were my first proper family. Gave me a name I could be proud of; Masher.” [inaudible] “None of your business, bud. I’m giving you what you need, not telling my whole [REDACTED] life story. How I got the name is between me and my fellow rangers. [long pause] Oh fine, I guess it is worth explaining, if only so you’ll quit badgering me. Masher comes from mashkiig, which is Ojibwe for muskeg. Anyway, beyond my time with the Rangers, I was also running up quite the collection of medals in biathlons. I think my connections in the National Team reached out at one point to see if I’d be willing to be on retainer for a run at the Olympics, but by the time I got around to checking my mail the window to respond had expired. I hung up the skis not long after that, at least for competitions. I was busy working, and then some stuff I’m not authorized to discuss with you happened, and now I’m here. So are you going to explain exactly what the [REDACTED] I saw in Afghanistan? That thing was-” ____________________________________________________________________________ SERVICE RECORD -Joined JCR in Borden. 21/09/06 -Completed Basic Training with CAF. 27/08/09 -3rd CRPG Attachment & Service. 01/09/09 - 13/10/15 -Completed [REDACTED] in association with JTF-2. 31/03/16 ____________________________________________________________________________ MISC Biathlon Awards 4th, Ontario Winter Games 2007 2nd, NorAm Cup 2008 1st, Canadian Biathlon Championships 2009-10 Bronze Medalist, Biathlon World Championships 2010

MINERVA FORCE

Canadian Killshot

Arthur “Art” Cahill
“Masher”

---

___________________________________ P R O F I L E Age 25, (b. 19/03/91) Sex Male Race/Ethnicity Irish-Canadian Nationality Canada Spoken Languages English, French, Ojibway, Cree, Inuktut Hometown Ottawa, Ontario Height 5’7” (170 cm) Weight 160 lbs (72.5 kg) ___________________________________ E Q U I P M E N T - Primary Weapon: M2010 Sniper Rifle - Secondary Weapon/Sidearm: Sig Sauer P320 - Utility Items: Tactical Vest, SBAS (Sniper Body Armour), CAN Bayonet 2000 (combat knife), Gerber Soldiers’ Multi-Tool, C5 CBRN Low Burden Gas Mask, Rheinmetall Canada Argus Integrated Soldier System Suite (Radio/Comms), C8 Smoke Grenade x2 ____________________________________ A T T R I B U T E S Points: 10 (These points are meant to be distributed among the six attributes below. This is to be removed from the CS after points have been distributed. Do not forget to show your work next to each ability regarding points added and subtracted!) Athletics: 10 Dexterity: 12 (10 + 2 = 12) Perception: 15 (10 + 5 = 15) Willpower: 13 (10 + 3 = 13) Charisma: 10 Modifiers: (None at the start.)

____________________________________________________________________________ APPEARANCE Arthur Cahill is a light-skinned blonde man with hazel eyes. Athletically built but on the slender side, he wears his hair in a short fade on the sides but with a long braid along the top, “viking” style. For facial hair, Arthur keeps a neat moustache in the pyramid style. Always quick to offer a bright smile, Arthur’s face is angular, with prominent cheekbones and a weak chin. His nose is small and pointed downward. A kind person would call his likeness sharp, a rude one might compare him to a rodent. In everyday civilian life, Arthur prefers to dress for an active lifestyle. Oversized breathable shirts that can be easily discarded and practical spandex shorts under khakis are his typical outfit of choice. His only regular accoutrement across all occasions is a 1927 Falkenauge Montblanc wristwatch, a family heirloom that he has had since he turned eighteen. Arthur has three tattoos. The first is located on his right breast, in black ink, and depicts a falcon in flight carrying a banner that reads “Libertatem Bello”. The second is a colour sleeve on his left arm featuring a forested lake scene and various animals from the Canadian Shield. (Arthur has named each animal.) Lastly, he has a tattoo that simply reads “Resilience” written in Courier font located on his right wrist, typically obscured by his wristwatch. ____________________________________________________________________________ PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE Subject is prone to bouts of anti-social behaviour characterized by wilful isolation. When conducting assessments, the request for the tests to be completed independently was made, and when rejected, subject was visibly agitated. Subject operates at higher than average competency under psychological stressors. Particularly resilient where concerns the difficulties imposed by exposure to the elements and low social engagement. Projected resistance to battle stress-based traumas for the subject is quite high, though this result may be skewed by the subject’s lack of strong support network. (I.E. Self-sufficiency masking a low threshold for high-impact events.) Despite a poor score on social-emotional indexes, the subject displays remarkably sophisticated introspection and abstract conceptual abilities coupled with a pronounced desire to achieve perfection. These strengths likely account for the subject’s long record of impressive performance in competitive contexts. Accessible records show the subject progressed through basic training with relatively scant issues. No prior incident reports re: service personnel conflicts, and subject had received two recommendations for elevation to CO prior to attachment to Minerva Force. Both recommendations, it should be noted, carried the following attached statement, co-signed by Col. Jean Mckenny. “This ranger’s promotion subject to attachment with other high-proficiency units, barring any possibility of requiring that the above be held in command of any subordinates. I cannot stress this enough, that [REDACTED] might be the best shot in the corps but he won’t be responsible for anybody in my [REDACTED] Patrol Group.” Other relevant factors at play are the subject’s relative youth, short service career, and poor socialization. These may aggravate any future operations where the subject is required to “play well” with others. This analyst’s recommendation is that the subject be placed strictly in roles where they will not be required to rely upon significant personnel support and consequently will not be expected to support any personnel in turn. ____________________________________________________________________________ BIOGRAPHY Transcript of Interview Audio Recording: “These questions are all too boring. You want to know about Arthur Cahill? That’s ‘kaa-huhl,’ not ’cay-hill.’ Here’s what you need to know. I grew up in Ottawa, the national capital, at a way too expensive school. You know the kind, an ‘academy’ bearing the name of some founding father or the like. I wasn’t rich. I was just a lucky orphan. Canada’s always prized education, or at least, well, that’s all just politics. The point is I went to a stuffy school, full of self-important brown-nosing teachers and student who had too many silver spoons and not enough places to stick ‘em. So growing up I had a pretty low opinion of most of the people I happened to spend time around. The sole exception? Well this fancy academy just so happened to moonlight as the national biathlon team’s training centre in the off-season. Lucky me, eh? I made actual friends there. The coach let me hang around, and even though most of the kids were years and years older, they were good about indulging my interest. That’s where I learned to shoot. The skiing was incidental. That was back when I was still a kid.” [inaudible] “I moved around a bit after that. Joined the Rangers. That’s just about all the [REDACTED] foster care people could tell me about my parents; that I’d been a military brat but my folks never came back. You’d think the records they kept would tell me more. Maybe it was all [REDACTED]. Either way, I stuck with it. Civvies were all grade-A [REDACTED] but in the Rangers, you knew where you stood. Good people. Lots of natives, but if you knew the first thing about them, you’d know that’s part of what makes the Rangers special. They were my first proper family. Gave me a name I could be proud of; Masher.” [inaudible] “None of your business, bud. I’m giving you what you need, not telling my whole [REDACTED] life story. How I got the name is between me and my fellow rangers. [long pause] Oh fine, I guess it is worth explaining, if only so you’ll quit badgering me. Masher comes from mashkiig, which is Ojibwe for muskeg. Anyway, beyond my time with the Rangers, I was also running up quite the collection of medals in biathlons. I think my connections in the National Team reached out at one point to see if I’d be willing to be on retainer for a run at the Olympics, but by the time I got around to checking my mail the window to respond had expired. I hung up the skis not long after that, at least for competitions. I was busy working, and then some stuff I’m not authorized to discuss with you happened, and now I’m here. So are you going to explain exactly what the [REDACTED] I saw in Afghanistan? That thing was-” ____________________________________________________________________________ SERVICE RECORD -Joined JCR in Borden. 21/09/06 -Completed Basic Training with CAF. 27/08/09 -3rd CRPG Attachment & Service. 01/09/09 - 13/10/15 -Completed [REDACTED] in association with JTF-2. 31/03/16 ____________________________________________________________________________ MISC Biathlon Awards 4th, Ontario Winter Games 2007 2nd, NorAm Cup 2008 1st, Canadian Biathlon Championships 2009-10 Bronze Medalist, Biathlon World Championships 2010

Survey: What is your favourite creature of the night?

Survey Here!

Closed

Thanks for the memories. :)

Word association Game!

Seduction

Ban the Person above you

Banned for not having a PFP of the second evolution of the pokemon in question.

Ban the Person above you

Banned for enjoying mediocre things

Copypasta Editorial Review

I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter

WEE WOO WEE WOO

ALERT! COMEDY GOD HAS ENTERED THE BUILDING! GET TO COVER!

steps on stage

Bystander: "Oh god! Don't do it! I have a family!"

Comedy God: "Heh..."

adjusts fedora

the building is filled with fear and anticipation

God and Jeb Bush himself looks on in suspense

comedy god clears throat

everything is completely quiet not a single sound is heard

world leaders look and wait with dread

everything in the world stops

nothing is happening

comedy god smirks

no one is prepared for what is going to happen

comedy god musters all of this power

he bellows out to the world

"ATTACK"

absolute suspense

everyone is filled with overwhelming dread

"HELICOPTER"

all at once, absolute pandemonium commences

all nuclear powers launch their nukes at once

giant brawls start

69 wars are declared simultaneously

a shockwave travels around the earth

earth is driven into chaos

humanity is regressed back to the stone age

the pure funny of that joke destroyed civilization itself

all the while people are laughing harder than they ever did

people who aren't killed die from laughter

literally the funniest joke in the world

then the comedy god himself posts his creation to reddit and gets upvotes

Copypasta Editorial Review

Grab the pasta, change the pasta, submit the pasta. See if you can pinpoint the alterations and prove you are more terminally online than the rest of us! And if you're truly brilliant, try to pass off your original work as a copypasta!


This spam post has been sanctioned by the Holy Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.