Metadude — Roleplayer Guild

If you have humorous or interesting stories to tell from your time playing Dungeons and Dragons, or other similar Tabletop games - write them out here for people to enjoy :)

People seemed to enjoy the random stuff I got up to, so here's a thread to keep it centralized and to reduce clutter

A mishmash of happenings from my time playing D&D
Some of the titles before a short story will be references. Enjoy :)

This is possibly my favorite. Our party had just defeated a Dragon, and were gifted with a Time Gem. The caveat to this thing is you aren’t allowed to affect time in any meaningful way (Eg, no saving lives, altering history, etc or you just disappear). Essentially, super valuable to scholars that want to study history of the land. Now, moving on. What did I do with the gem? Well, understanding these rules - and against the wishes of everyone in the party, I went back in time with one purpose. To kick a younger me right in the dick. Yep, that’s it. No wedgies for Kings, no scary messages to freak people out. Just that, my crazy af wizard with extreme dementia going back in time to kick a 24yr old version of himself in the nuts. Afterwards, I was promptly executed by the party since we were too poor to go on any adventures as we’d depleted all our gear and potions. Not to mention our food had been destroyed by rain leading up to the battle.

Trying to pickpocket a Goblin, I roll low enough to be noticed. The funny thing? My fumble had my hand in his pants. Next action? Use fist to drive it deep into the Goblin and rip his heart out when I performed a god tier roll. I only wanted to hurt him, not demoralize the other Goblins nearby who saw XD

Wizard again, combining a few different spells, scrolls and some choice rolls to pull this off. Caused a camp of bandits to begin shitting jagged rocks - their insides being torn as the muscles tried to deal with what was going on. I don’t think the DM was able to express how they felt as he just stared at me as if I were the Anti-Christ. Moving on - this ungodly level of horror afflicted the Bandit boss with so many debuffs/demoralization that he tried to surrender and give us a bunch of shit. Me being me, denied that offer and made him shit jagged rocks too. That’s how I roll.

Needed a sacrifice to sate a demon for some special gear that would help us on our journey. Fortunately, the demon never specified the quality of the sacrifice - so when the party split up looking for ways to loophole the deal, I approached it more direct. Instead of sacrificing a member of the party, I just tried flirting with a hobo so we could use him.

When leaving an inn to continue an adventure, I like to leave friendly messages or greetings for the innkeepers. My most recent message was “Good morning” which i’d painted as they slept, using goats blood as the medium as it was easier to acquire than Human blood. 

Other messages include “Don’t look under the bed” spelled out in limbs, where under the bed was just a roll of stale bread I didn’t want anymore. 

I have more, but some were pretty meh in comparison to other things i’d done so won’t bother listing.

Acquiring so much cursed loot allows you to convert the negatives to positives if you know what to do. Was able to have my character call the DM a cuck. No one in the party believed mine when he said they were all game characters for obvious reasons, but it was fun screwing around with the DM that way. Now the DM forces me to play nice ;-;

I always try to eat every corpse the group stumbles upon, regardless of when the body died. I was denied by the DM and my party restrained me.
Metadude Member

I will eat your skin

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