"My coat and my bag, mostly." I said, glancing at the polished metal beneath us. When this whole thing started, my first thought had been to flee the school. I had grabbed my coat and bag from my locker, but found my exit trapped. I had never put it back, and it now lay in the cold shaft I now called 'home'; my coat a blanket, my bag a pillow. "What food I could pilfer from the vending machines... Not a lot."
Often when I was alone at night, listening to the scattered moans of my fellow students, I would wonder why I was still alive. Sure, I never had grandiose ambitions. My image of the perfect mate is vague, thoughts on what my perfect life would be rare. However, I wasn't without a will to live. But here, I had to accept facts. I was strong, but not strong enough to fare in a zombie apocalypse on my own. Besides, what world could be waiting for me? Did this ever have an end? I could die on my own terms, with my own demons settled as much as I could. I could write a note, get out all of the bitter feelings I held inside towards Jaclyn, towards my family, and find my own consolation in that whoever read it would know that I existed. My body would not become another Jane Doe or be mutilated by one of those beings. I could rot peacefully in this shaft as someone I had always been; one face in a crowd of millions. One victim among the bodies of dozens.
But I would hesitate, the hammer at my temple and realize that even then I did not have the guts to take my own life. It was not that I was torn between living; either way I would die, right? But I was afraid of what awaited me in death. The gaping unknown before me that was as close as a twitch of my hand managed to close my throat with silent sobs. Weak, yes, but I knew that already. And inwardly I thought of why anyone would think the self-deprecation of yourself would be something to desire. Thinking this did not make me feel better, it did not normalize it for me. It was a simple acceptance of facts; my death would be caused when I could no longer stop it. No amount of saying it to the next living person would make that better. Even in the face if what seemed like at times my only friend, I knew that she would be unable to offer help, even if she were experiencing the same cowardice I was, just as I would be unable to help her. It was something unable to be healed.
"Did you do better than me?" I asked, keeping such grim thoughts to the back of my mind. Letting yourself get wreaked with hopelessness and despair. If not for the sake of living but for the sake of sanity. "I haven't seen much, but I've avoided classrooms. They seem like death traps to me."