Ellis dreamed. He dreamed of great golden spires and flaming sunsets, broken by the cold violet light of dawn in cataclysmic bursts of divine illumination. He stood on a precipice of incalculable height, watching red flashes and blue lights below, the remnants of a war now over. A cloudburst of orange light stung his eyes. Above him rose a white ship, hard and angular, orange streaks painted over its hull. Ellis stared, jaw agape, while it rained lightning down to the ground. Screams met his ears. A burning cigarette fell impossibly slowly in front of his face, embers floating and fading and floating and fading...
Ellis awoke. He was alone, still sitting on a large toolbox. The dim lights of the storage compartment gave him just enough to see by. The workbench nearby, likely steel, was covered in bolts and screws and wires and broken tools. A Predator pistol grip. The barrel of a Mantis rifle. This had been someone's workroom, though the thin layer of dust on everything told him it hadn't been used in at least a week or two. "NERO, how long has it been? Since I fell asleep."
"One hour, thirty-six minutes, operative." A good nap.
Ellis stood, and stretched his back. He was still tired, but there was work to be done. First thing's first. Time to see the shrink.
She's gonna call security on you the minute you start talking.
Shut up. Technically, I am part of security.
Only thing secure about you is that suit.
You're one to talk.
We have our own issues, sure, but we don't talk to ourselves.
And what are you doing right now?
Talking to you.
Ellis ignored this last remark and opened the door, revealing a cargo bay that was almost empty.
You scared them all away.
This is an active ship. They're probably just working.
You're not.
He continued on his way to the elevator, requesting the CIC. As the elevator vibrated its way up, Ellis was overcome by a thought: What if she does think I'm a threat? Will they kick me out?
Probably.
Not talking to you.
Who, then?
Just shut up.
You're a child.
Ellis ignored this, and made his way to the starboard observation deck, noticing that everyone around him gave him a wide berth. He wondered if they were afraid of him because it was him, or for his appearance. He couldn't decide.
The Observation Deck looked out into the wide void. T'Pavi sat in a comfortable armchair, watching the space outside, sipping on a cup of some hot beverage. She swiveled her chair around as Ellis entered, a small smile on her lips. "Hello, Mr. Taevon." Ellis winced involuntarily.
"Ellis, please." She nodded. For some reason, she made him extremely uneasy. He wondered if she knew what he was thinking.
"Ellis. Please, have a seat. Have you come for solitude?" He shook his head inside his suit, and sat down on a soft-looking sofa, sinking deep into the cushions.
They're gonna have to replace those every time you come in, you fat fucker.
If I'm fat, you're fat. The voices had no retort.
"I have mandatory sessions. I thought it would be best to get this week's over with, to focus on other matters." Her smile drooped slightly, and her eyes widened in curiosity. She activated her omni-tool briefly, then deactivated it again.
"You speak very formally. Are you uncomfortable?"
"Not... Uncomfortable. I have no experience with this. A week ago, I saw Asari as self-righteous, manipulative, borderline demons." She shifted in her chair, and set her cup on an endtable.
"You were prejudiced."
"I was Cerberus." He said, with the faintest touch of old pride. Her smile was gone, but her face held no hostility.
"A human supremacist."
"A bigot." She leaned forward, somehow meeting his eyes through his one-way visor.
"You admit this. I assume you've seen combat? Fought against non-human species?"
"I've killed Krogan, Asari, Salarian, Batarian. I was not chosen for the invasion of Sur'kesh. If I had been, I would list Yahg among those, according to the reports."
"You seem almost proud of your... Accomplishments." Ellis squirmed inside his suit.
"Not proud of them, but they were difficult odds to overcome. I am proud that I still remain." She leaned back in her chair, and nodded slightly.
"Ellis, why don't you tell me a bit about yourself? Your childhood. Why don't we start with that?" Ellis thought for a moment and took a deep breath, striving to make his summary as brief as possible.
"I was crippled as a child. My father's doing. He himself was a bigot, though he was never skilled enough in any way to be recruited by someone as powerful as the Illusive Man. My brother cared for me. I learned of my biotic capability when I was young. I used it to interact with a world that had forgotten me. I enlisted in Cerberus a few years ago, just before the Reaper War. They needed a lot of soldiers." She nodded, eyes still locked on his.
CAN SHE SEE ME?
"Your brother. Tell me about him."
"Not much to tell. He's C-Sec. He's a good cop. Makes folks proud to have him."
"You're jealous?"
"No. He has no creativity. No spirit."
"Was Cerberus proud to have you?" He thought back. You're quite a monster, Taevon. We're lucky to have you.
"I thought they were. I thought they had human interests in mind. But they fed the Reapers. They let the Collectors take people, just to see what would happen. They betrayed me. I betrayed me."
"Ellis, they betrayed humanity. You didn't know, did you?"
"No." She held her hands, palm up, as if to say, Well, there it is. "Ellis, I think your problem is this: I think you blame yourself for the things you did while you were enlisted. You were disillusioned, Ellis. You didn't realize-"
Ellis slammed his white hand down on the old oak coffee table, hard enough to leave a dent.
"I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING!" The doctor jumped, startled. "I SAW THE INDOCTRINATION FIRSTHAND! I WATCHED FREE WILL STOLEN FROM COLLEAGUES AND SQUADMATES ALIKE! I saw it all. And I didn't fight it." He breathed heavily, in and out, in and out. "All I could do was damage my own implants. All I tried to do was save myself." He had to hand it to her, she regained composure quickly.
"You blame yourself for what happened to them?" He pressed his hands over his visor, to stop that penetrating stare.
"I could've died fighting. And that would've been a worthy cause." She paused, for what seemed like hours.
Finally, she spoke. "Do you lose your temper a lot?"
What a rude question-
"No. I used to use it. I used to be in combat every day. Killing alien after alien, it was good stress relief. I was fighting for something. Yesterday is the first time I've fought in a month. I was going crazy. But we fought Husks. When I try to remember the battle, I see faces of people I knew. On the Husks. I know it wasn't them. But I see them anyway."
"Ellis, I think you may have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder-"
"No shit, lady." He added quickly, "Sorry."
She shook her head. "Not a problem, Ellis. This is a place where you can feel free to be yourself. Don't hold yourself back. Not here." She activated her omni-tool, and recorded something on a calendar of sorts. "Ellis, I'd like to see you more often than just once a week. I think we can work through most, if not all of your problems. And, mostly, I think you need someone to talk to."
"You won't mention this to anyone?"
"Doctor-patient privilege, Ellis. No one will ever know what you say in here. Besides, the door's been locked since you came in." She reactivated her omni-tool, unlocking the door. He stood, turned to leave, then hesitated.
"Doctor?"
"Yes, Ellis?"
"Thank you for listening."
"My pleasure."
He was tired again, and so made his way back down to his claimed storage closet, feeling just a few pounds lighter.
