When Iris told him not to apologize, Cas fell quiet. He knew it wasn’t entirely his fault that the soldiers had interrogated her so brutally, but he still felt a little responsible. He was the one who had told her to surrender to them at the border. At the time, he’d thought they would just hold her in a cell, and he could get her out by talking to his father. Instead, he’d woken up from surgery to find out that she had already been questioned multiple times, and his father was unwilling to see her as anything other than a traitor. Even if it wasn’t his fault that those things had happened, he had nothing else to say to her other than ‘I’m sorry.’ He didn’t know how else to acknowledge the suffering she had been through.
As she reached up to run her fingers through his hair and attempted to smile, he didn’t match the expression. Even as she spoke about her coping mechanisms, he could see that she was still trying to act tough in front of him. She might have thought it was working, but in reality, it was doing the opposite. It was apparent to him that she was wearing down every day, becoming more heavily burdened by all the trauma she’d endured. He had buried it in himself to some degree, but he knew he was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode the second he could no longer keep it all suppressed. By contrast, it felt like she had sprung a leak. Her negative emotions seeped out constantly, and her formerly bubbly personality had been replaced with something that looked like depression.
Noticing the tears in the corners of her eyes, he stroked her back gently. It seemed like she was getting dangerously close to her breaking point, and he wished he could tell her to just let it all out. However, Jay and Miles could come back at any second, and he didn’t want to put her in a position to be vulnerable in front of two people she didn’t know or trust. He sighed quietly to himself. Until he could think of a way to secure more than a few minutes alone with her, there was no way for him to help her process everything.
When she spoke again, he shook his head. “It’s fine. You just went to hell and back, so he can’t judge you for being jumpy.” He knew Miles didn’t look down on her for it too. His friend was honest, but he wasn’t unreasonable. Just because he’d been surprised that she wasn’t an obviously heroic person didn’t mean that he thought any less of her. If anything, he would probably be more compassionate now that he knew she’d been scarred too.
He opened his mouth to say so and then faltered, turning red as she said they both needed a night alone together. In the back of his head, he knew she didn’t mean what he thought she meant, but the fleeting image that crossed his mind when she said ‘enjoy each other’s company’ was still enough to make him flustered. The stroke of his hand on her back ceased, and he cleared his throat awkwardly, “R-Right. Talk…” Inwardly, he chided himself for jumping to conclusions, but the way she’d spoken so softly and caressed his cheek with her fingers had made it impossible not to take a plunge into the gutter.
Forcing himself to recover, he sighed, “I’d like that, but I have no idea when we can be alone. I have to go home tonight to make sure no one suspects that I was involved in helping you escape from the soldiers, and my dad might enact another lockdown if he thinks the capital is in danger. I wouldn’t put it past him. If he does, I’ll be stuck at home for at least a few days.” He studied her face solemnly. “I’m sorry. I wish I could stay here with you, but this isn’t over until the military gives up its search for you. I have to see it through to the end to make sure you’re safe.”
As she reached up to run her fingers through his hair and attempted to smile, he didn’t match the expression. Even as she spoke about her coping mechanisms, he could see that she was still trying to act tough in front of him. She might have thought it was working, but in reality, it was doing the opposite. It was apparent to him that she was wearing down every day, becoming more heavily burdened by all the trauma she’d endured. He had buried it in himself to some degree, but he knew he was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode the second he could no longer keep it all suppressed. By contrast, it felt like she had sprung a leak. Her negative emotions seeped out constantly, and her formerly bubbly personality had been replaced with something that looked like depression.
Noticing the tears in the corners of her eyes, he stroked her back gently. It seemed like she was getting dangerously close to her breaking point, and he wished he could tell her to just let it all out. However, Jay and Miles could come back at any second, and he didn’t want to put her in a position to be vulnerable in front of two people she didn’t know or trust. He sighed quietly to himself. Until he could think of a way to secure more than a few minutes alone with her, there was no way for him to help her process everything.
When she spoke again, he shook his head. “It’s fine. You just went to hell and back, so he can’t judge you for being jumpy.” He knew Miles didn’t look down on her for it too. His friend was honest, but he wasn’t unreasonable. Just because he’d been surprised that she wasn’t an obviously heroic person didn’t mean that he thought any less of her. If anything, he would probably be more compassionate now that he knew she’d been scarred too.
He opened his mouth to say so and then faltered, turning red as she said they both needed a night alone together. In the back of his head, he knew she didn’t mean what he thought she meant, but the fleeting image that crossed his mind when she said ‘enjoy each other’s company’ was still enough to make him flustered. The stroke of his hand on her back ceased, and he cleared his throat awkwardly, “R-Right. Talk…” Inwardly, he chided himself for jumping to conclusions, but the way she’d spoken so softly and caressed his cheek with her fingers had made it impossible not to take a plunge into the gutter.
Forcing himself to recover, he sighed, “I’d like that, but I have no idea when we can be alone. I have to go home tonight to make sure no one suspects that I was involved in helping you escape from the soldiers, and my dad might enact another lockdown if he thinks the capital is in danger. I wouldn’t put it past him. If he does, I’ll be stuck at home for at least a few days.” He studied her face solemnly. “I’m sorry. I wish I could stay here with you, but this isn’t over until the military gives up its search for you. I have to see it through to the end to make sure you’re safe.”