Max stared at the TV with a lopsided grin. His mother was saying something - he wasn’t listening; it didn’t matter anyway. Probably asking why hearing ‘Count Varis Sinnenodel’ sent him running out of his room. He thought he’d misheard, honestly, but there was old Sybie looking like a wet sock on camera while the banner along the bottom of the screen scrolled through some made up crap about the Red Hand.
“No fucking way,” He murmured, trying to contain his glee. That was sick, he needed to go back in his room before someone called him a sociopath. He pulled his phone out as he slunk back into the bedroom from which he’d emerged wordlessly. First text went to Aaron, that was a no brainer. Eris needed a text too - no, a phone call. He needed to say it out loud to really get the full effect. Besides, sadistic joy aside, this had the potential to be a big issue.
Red Hand was code for dishonest news story, as far as Max was concerned - he was sure a prick like Varis had a lot of enemies, but Ryner knew that Eris found out… whatever the fuck they found out about Cinnamon and the timing was certainly convenient. She could’ve realized her coverup operation sucked and decided to just have him killed. Or worse, he faked his own death to coax his enemies into acting, possibly with Ryner’s help, if they were truly both in on this conspiracy. A conspiracy which, of course, he still had no clues on beyond two names and an old Marivaldi crest. Hell, Eris might already be staked. Or… he could just be overspeculating and Varis really did just get the fiery solar reckoning he deserved.
Ugh, Max was too good at ruining his own fun. That initial rush of giddy excitement was the best he’d felt in weeks and his heart was still pounding somewhere in between thrill and fear. Gloat first, plan later. His heel leaned back to nudge the door closed as he hit the call button under ‘Eric’.
After three rings, the call connected.
“Good evening, Maxwell,” Ismene’s voice came out, a touch of annoyance on her end as a male voice could be heard in the background.
“May I ask the reason for your call tonight?” Nope, he was already losing it. Max clenched his teeth to suppress a giggle while Ismene was talking. His first thought was that Eris might not’ve heard yet, but this wasn’t some business number; if Ismene was answering the phone, Eris was probably busy having a breakdown. Or entertaining guests, judging by the noise, but that just made the whole scenario funnier.
“You know why,” The metal mage responded jovially,
“Put him on and don’t tell him it’s me if he didn’t hear you already.”Letting out a weary sigh, there was a minor shuffle heard. A few seconds later, the sound of her heels clicking could be heard followed by another pair of voices. One was noticeably Eris’ while the other was Antigone’s, though despite the volume it was hard to make out what they were saying.
“You have a call,” Ismene said.
“I’m not taking any calls right now,” Eris replied.
“You should take this one--” A low growl came through and interrupted her, though Ismene shooed it away.
5“Take it, I need to feed Sasha.”Another scuffle, and then footsteps followed by a closed door--Eris was likely alone.
“Eris Samael speaking.” He said professionally.
Max had to practically hold his breath to not make any noticeable noise while Ismene was wrangling Eris into taking the call, but the moment he heard the vampire’s voice properly on the other line, he burst out into raucous, explosive laughter. It was probably hard to tell it was even Max at that point, given the rarity in which he ever manifested positive emotional extremes. If one could call laughing at a dead man ‘positive’, anyway. He kept going until he sounded out of breath, making a noise somewhere between a horny donkey and a dying seal before he managed to form words.
“Oh fuck… I think I’m gonna throw up,” He panted out before returning to his earlier cackling.
Eris waited in silence until Max finished, letting out something that was either a groan or an exasperated sigh.
“That could’ve been a voicemail,” He told him, annoyed.
“If that’s all you’re calling me for, I’m hanging up.”“Hang on, I’m not done yet,” Max snapped in reply before he let out his final laughs,
“And no, that couldn’t have been a voicemail - you wouldn’t have listened to the whole thing.” He took a moment to catch his breath - his abs hurt, holy shit that was great.
“And I needed to make sure you weren’t staked in a ditch somewhere anyway. If this is about you-know-what you’re probably next on the list.”And here was the part where Eris calls him paranoid and underinformed. Still, Max probably would’ve gotten at least a heads-up if Eris was in on the whole death faking scheme. Or not, the actor was so fickle with information sometimes.
“Aww, you care about me, that’s so sweet,” Eris’ voice couldn’t have been dryer if he tried.
“Unfortunately you’re not that lucky, you’ll be stuck with me for the rest of the forty-something years left in your life before you’re either stabbed or dead due to a stroke from trying to feel something that isn’t perpetual disdain.”There was a brief pause before he continued,
“And even if I was dead, don’t you think you’d see it on TV, too? You keep joking that I’m a nobody but I can’t even step out of my condo without the gossip magazines writing six pages on the fact that I chose to wear sneakers instead of whatever shoe they’re trying to push sales on.”He decided to soothe Max, however, with his next words,
“I know it’s your first time getting tangled up in nefarious affairs by proxy, but you need to relax,” There was the sound of papers being flipped through.
“If you jump at every little thing, your blood pressure will pop your head off your body.”Here Max was having a good time and Eris still accused him of being crabby. The nerve of some people. Honestly, Eris dying would garner media attention but he seemed like one of those deaths that Max would learn about from a meme rather than an actual news story. He made it a point to avoid Eris-related news if at all possible, if only because he might see himself included by proxy.
“Don’t get too comfortable, I just needed to make sure no Noila death squads were gonna knock on my door later,” Max huffed,
“As far as I’m concerned, the only one with red hands around here is Ryner, and she knows we’re on to something weird. Either she offed him or Varis knows we’re onto something weird so he’s playing opossum. Is that an unreasonable assumption? You know the people he rubbed the wrong way - I don’t need to hear it, it’ll probably take all night - can you think of anyone else on that list with the balls to try this stunt?”Chuckling to himself, Eris waited until Max finished.
“I love the way your mind works. Really, you’d give some of my own mages a run for their money,” He took a second to think.
“All plausible concerns you should carry in the back of your mind, but I wouldn’t worry too much about anyone showing up at your door just yet. Whoever decided to off Varis played their card too soon, and while you and I agree that the Red Hand is synonymous for vampiric activity, we disagree that it’s Ryner this time around.”His phone took a picture of something and he took some time to scroll through another phone, the sounds coming through on the call.
“Do you know how the merry-go-round of heirship works in noble houses? Aside from the Marivaldi house, Eve, Sinnenodel, and Astorio have their own way of determining their lines of power. The Eves are essentially a massive popularity contest, but if one has enough pull and enough vampires rallying behind them, they can successfully put their family at the head. The latter two operate under the same principle: anyone can get anything at any time provided they outmaneuver their fellow brethren. The Astorios, for instance, are all about physically dominating one another, constantly challenging their superiors for their seats of power in duels to the death. The Sinnenodels differ in how their Lady chooses their heir, but the same principle applies: all they need to do is either kill the heir off or prove themselves in some other way to gain the Lady’s favor.”“Now, if you listened and haven’t dozed off yet, I’ll get to my point. Assassination attempts are common not just in noble houses but in vampire life. While it’s less likely that I’ll find anyone coming after my life, all it really takes is a business deal going wrong before another vampire decides that I need to be taken out as an obstacle. Considering we’re immortal beings, it’s just a way of life,” He continued.
“With that information in mind, you tell me: do you really believe what we’re seeing right now?”So much for that Sinnenodel crap about them being too haughty and civilized for violence. That wreck looked about as brutish as it gets. Eris’ point made sense too, unfortunately. Especially since Nox was leading the investigation - maybe a red herring to veil Ryner’s involvement, but if they really did dislike each other, he couldn’t imagine Nox would be
too complicit in the scandal when Ryner could’ve assigned one of her own loyalists instead.
“Hardly. No confirmed body, which means our assassin either did sloppy work or this is all a big hoax,” Max responded as he paced in circles around his room,
“Political assassination sounds entirely reasonable, but again, wouldn’t they have made sure he died? You mess up once and Varis is gonna be on his guard for-” A knock on the door cut the mage off, eliciting an annoyed groan.
“I’m on the phone!”“Is this about Count Sinnenodel?” His mother asked from the other side.
“Yeah, I’m playing leech politics, go away.”The door opened, much to his dismay, and he was greeted with a fully grown woman grinning like a teenage girl,
“Is that Eris?”Tactless. Max sighed and rudely inched the door closed right in her face.
“Yes, and no, you can’t talk to him,” He turned his attention fully back to the phone call,
“Where was I?”There was a much more genuine laugh before Eris cleared his throat.
“Anyone who has a target on their backs would already have their guards up, but otherwise you’re correct,” He replied, light taps clueing Max in on Eris typing up something on a keyboard.
“You could argue that they’re trying to save face, but with someone on that scale it wouldn’t be nearly as vague. I’m a little surprised at the amount of detail that went into it, hearing that Varis died some distance away would be accurate considering how little the Sinnenodels value physical exertion. But I digress.”“The only reason I believe this isn’t Ryner’s work is because she still needs him for something. I don’t know what, exactly, but he’s too valuable an asset to lose just yet,” He sighed, clicking his tongue.
“So Varis has his own security detail, plus whatever the princess can afford him, so the thought of him getting offed isn’t likely. Of course, there is the very real possibility that I’m entirely wrong and he is dead, but...I doubt it.”“Unless she decided whatever you found was more of a risk than whatever she’s gaining is. Then again, she was playing coy with you so she evidently wasn’t too worried. Not to mention, if she’s assigning him extra security, she could’ve just had one of them off him quickly and quietly.” Fuck, there goes Max’s best lead. Maybe it was a bit too egotistic to assume everything revolved around him and whatever weird conspiracy he was involved in, but he still wasn’t keen on counting it out entirely.
“So this hypothetical assassin would’ve had to outplay two groups of security personnel, leave no survivors, and still somehow be incompetent enough to let the actual target get away. Not likely. Could be a kidnapping, but then why fake the death, that’s free ransom money. So the only question left is; what’s Cinnamon’s endgame here?”“Sinnenodel. You’re on the right track, at least, I’ll give you that much,” Eris told him. “I’ll tell you this much, I don’t believe Ryner has given me that much thought yet. Maybe soon, but…” He trailed off for a moment, though he changed his mind as he continued with, “Whatever the case, really take a second and think. If we know it isn’t Ryner, why do you think Varis would fake his own death?”Oh good, Eris was about to do something stupid. Max expected as much but the confirmation didn’t give him any comfort. Whatever, messing with Ryner beat mundane mage activities by far. As for Varis, fuck, he had no idea what that guy wanted. Money, power; he had those and pretending to die wasn’t doing him any favors unless he was committing insurance fraud.
“Well, with him out of the way, I’d assume all the other potential heirs will promptly rip each other’s throats out, so that’d be a win for him. There’s certainly more efficient ways of getting you out of his business, so I think we can rule us out as the culprit unless we really opened a pot of shit in that exam.” Max clicked his tongue as he thought for a moment,
“Maybe get Ryner to slip while she tries to adjust her plans around losing him as an asset, but again, I think there’s easier ways to do that.”“All good answers. Well done--not that you care about my praise, but it’s there,” Eris paused.
“...actually, since I have you here, before you either burst into hysterics again or decide to hang up, there’s something I’ve been meaning to discuss with you.”Max would hear more paper getting moved around before Eris would get to it.
“I was going to wait until the break was over, but I need to bring this up sooner than later. I’m not sure you’re aware of this, but your physical revealed that you’re a Taldrin model mage. Do you know what that means for you from a vampire’s point of view?”Ugh, Professor Hot Wheels blabbed. Why was that on his medical records? Did they have to start screening for dementia or something because of that?
“That I wasn’t kidding when I told you I would rip the wires out of the walls and strangle you with them?” He fake-hedged a guess. Max knew it was apparently rare but was it a novelty or something? As far as he knew, vampires didn’t seem to know or care about magic beyond immediate utility for themselves, let alone obscure models of magical theory for old people.
“Aside from that. Taldrin model mages are exceedingly rare and well sought after by collectionists. The Academy’s staff are sworn to secrecy but I didn’t know what the extent of your knowledge was,” Eris explained.
“This leads me to one of two things: that little joke about vampires coming to knock at your door is a real possibility. If I were you, I would keep that information under tight wraps. If you get kidnapped I’m going to have to chase you down and then you’d have to live with the embarrassment that is me saving you.”What the fuck, there were mage collectors? Of course there were, who was Max kidding, those insane fucks will make a collection of anything if they think it has enough value. Would’ve been nice for him to get that memo from someone other than Eris of all people, though. The Crown’s official stance was probably that this event never happened and thus the staff wasn’t allowed to bring it up.
“I’m touched, really,” He responded flatly,
“What’s so special about it? For all you bloodsucking fucks know, the mage being shown off to you could be a traditional mage faking it.” Just what he needed, more fucking magic trouble. Being a mage
sucked and he was going to stand by that point for at least the next hour until some lowly human irked him and he was back to savoring a place in the magical elite.
Fuck, he was turning into Aaron.
“Vampires value genetics in mages, and if it’s rare and special and something they can brag about, then it’s something worth having,” Eris explained.
“It’s why vampires tend to pick one or two to bring with them to parties and the reason showmages exist. It’s honestly just one giant dick measuring contest.”Which would bring him to his next point.
“With that in mind, this leads me to the other thing. I think once I settle on your breeding schedule, I’ll be looking into you getting proper defensive training,” He informed Max.
“Without giving too much away, certain things have changed for the future and I think properly molding you into that bodyguard idea Ismene had would work out better for everyone.”Oh good, Max had pricy sperm. Just what he needed to hear. Now he really was turning into Aaron. Breeding
schedule? There were only so many bribes Eris could offer equal in value to an unenthusiastic night in bed with a woman he’d never met. And he certainly had no desire to be the start of some weird line of stagehands.
“Can’t say I blame you. I almost feel bad for your incensed business partner that tries to stab you, or however these assassination attempts go,” He responded casually to deflect away from his next point,
“Oh yeah, and my breeding what now? You find out I have unorthodox magic and I’m your new prize bull?” Speaking of which, Eris had a whole staff of mages - was he a weirdo collector too or was a retinue of that size standard for uppity celebrities?
“Your breeding schedule. I know you’re human-born, but you have parents. They bred to make you,” Eris said as if it was the most obvious thing.
“Yeah, dumbass, but unless you’re asking me to go find out the date my parents fucked so you can look up the exact alignment of Sagittarius and the moon at the time I don’t see what that has to do with schedules - or me.” Schedule didn’t mean once or twice either, it meant regular occurrence. Nasty.
“Anastasia’s tits--that’s not what that means,” Eris groaned.
“When I say ‘schedule’ I mean the time period where you stick your dick in a female to produce a child. Originally, I thought the window between the age of twenty one to twenty four was alright, but I figure if I push it to your graduation, I could have a few little Maxwell pups to keep for myself and then sell whatever for profit. I’ve been looking for someone to mate with Ismene, too, so there’s that to consider.”Ooh, somebody had been paying attention in Mortal Biology. Apparently not in Mortal Psychology though because
who the fuck says that?! What, was he supposed to babysit a bunch of brats like foster kittens until Eris found someone to buy them? That was disturbing at best. Having kids with
Ismene wasn’t any better. Hell, it was worse; he’d have to look at her afterward.
“I know charming socialite Eris Samael doesn’t understand this, but that’s gross and creepy,” Max responded after a short delay,
“I might blow off your little rewards most of the time, but trust me when I say my body isn’t free.”“The miracle of creating life isn’t gross, that’s so mean,” Eris disagreed, clicking his tongue.
“Are you telling me you never planned on having children? It’s basically the same thing, except I pick out your bride. If you have any preferences I’ll try to keep them in mind, but ultimately it’ll be someone advantageous to your newfound status. What’s wrong with that?”Max approached the wall and thumped his head against it with a sigh. He really didn’t get it, huh? Of course not, Eris probably thought of his mother like another one of the servants and his father as some nebulous authority figure. He didn’t imagine family ties were particularly tight among leeches.
“Eris, do I sound like the nurturing type?” He asked rhetorically. Yeah, Maxwell Alderman, the guy who could barely put up with half the mages at this school was looking forward to changing diapers. Either the vampire wasn’t giving this much thought or he’d been reading inaccurate books about human behavior written by some equally out of touch vampire.
“You’re really telling me you’ve never even considered settling down?” Eris sounded more surprised than anything.
“Getting married, starting a family, those are all common human goals. What were your goals before you found out you were a mage?”“Sure, maybe, absolutely not. In that order,” He grumbled wearily. Yep, it was probably the book. As for plans… fuck, did looking smart from a distance while doing as little work as possible count? Because he was pretty sure he was still going with that plan, albeit in a more… hectic work environment than some menial day job.
“And no, ‘getting married’ and ‘getting married to a complete stranger that Eris thinks will make nice babies’ are not the same thing,” Max tacked on quickly. Maybe he could get away with jerking off in a cup and keeping his dignity.
“Why aren’t they the same thing? It takes all the trouble of having to meet anyone. I actually figured this was the one thing you wouldn’t grumble about,” Eris commented, confused.
“You get married, get all dressed up and pretty, then spread your legs to pump out two or three kids, then you lounge around doing whatever while the nanny takes care of everything. Easy life for minimal effort, I really don’t understand you sometimes.”“But don’t think I didn’t notice you not answering my question,” He added.
“You’re too smart to not have something in mind.”For a guy who catches feelings over arguably the most offputting vampire on campus, Eris sure was missing the point. Max figured the argument was more about breeding animals than marrying people, but still - how could the face of cinematic sex appeal be this bad at cheesy romance concepts?
“People tend to marry people they like, I know this is probably news in your ivory tower.” Ugh, why was he even arguing this? It was sappy and dumb.
“Anyway, I hate to break it to you but I really didn’t have much planned. Hard to be enthusiastic about spending the next forty-something years toiling for people you hate.” Fuck, that was too honest. Max couldn’t catch a break here; he should’ve just hung up when sex came into the conversation.
Eris was quiet on the other end, thinking to himself. The only thing that broke the silence was the sound of a door opening.
“And now you’re stuck toiling away for a vampire you hate. Funny how that works out,” He stated wistfully.
“Still, you’re under my care now, and that includes everything from finding you the mother of your future children to completing my trifecta of mages. And as much as you hate it, you’re in capable hands.”Eris getting quiet wasn’t a good sign; either Max said something too heavy - fuck, let’s face it, he kinda did - or the leech was genuinely taken aback by his lack of… optimism? Motivation? Evidently he wasn’t too taken aback given he jumped right back into the conversation without skipping a beat.
“Mhmm,” He hummed affirmatively,
“Did you need anything else or do you need to go bride shopping for Taldrin ladies?”“Nothing that comes to mind that can’t wait until we return. Though I now have a tiger chewing on my leg that wants attention as well as a few irrelevant items to tackle on today’s to-do list, so I’ll take the opportunity to end the call now,” Eris replied cheerfully.
“Keep yourself busy until then. Bonne nuit.”“Yeah, bone nut to you too buddy,” Max replied lazily before ending the call. It took him a few moments to register what Eris had even said. A
tiger was chewing on his leg? Was that, like, a euphemism? Was Ismene the tiger? Was that code for call on hold? Knowing Eris it could very well have been a whole ass tiger. No, that was ridiculous, even for him.
About a minute later, Max’s phone rang again. Once he answered, the caller got right to it:
“I meant to call you earlier but I had to wrap my head around things,” Ismene’s voice came out hastily and quietly.
“Since you didn’t call me and I just found this out, I have every reason to believe this development was recent. For whatever reason Eris is very certain that once you and he leave the academy, we will be moving to the Sinnenodel estate.”When Ismene called, Max was expecting either an impromptu French lesson on Eris’ orders for the ‘bone nut’ comment or she just really wanted to be filled in on what they spoke about. Instead, he got the craziest thing he’d heard all night.
“Uh, no the fuck we’re not. He can lounge around there all he wants, but I’m certainly not coming.” As if he had any control over that. What the fuck was Eris thinking? If a noble family is housing somebody in their estate, that usually means said person is totally under the thumb of the presiding noble. Eris surely wasn’t stupid enough to sell his soul to House Sinnenodel - maybe horny enough, but that was beside the point - so what could he possibly stand to gain from that?
“And yeah, I called Eris first thing after it got publicly announced. How long has he been going on about this Sinnenodel angle? Seems like career suicide, honestly.”“I don’t know, I was blindsided with the information after receiving a call from a...Mr. Malek, I believe his name was,” Ismene sounded a little desperate, a tiny groan escaping her.
“Never mind that Count Sinnenodel is currently ash, but I suppose it would explain Eris’ lack of melodramatics. I asked about it earlier and it resulted in an argument, so I’m unable to get any specifics.”“That said, the only logical conclusion that comes to mind is that somehow they’re ‘together’ or Eris has something on the count or it’s the other way around or--I don’t know. I actually don’t know,” She sighed.
“I don’t know how or when this happened. I did notice a Sinnenodel pendant around his neck, but I just thought it was another gift. He seemed mighty pleased with himself, too, but…” “Allegedly ash,” Max corrected,
“Eris doesn’t think he’s dead. Honestly, I don’t either.” He flopped back on his bed with a sigh; if he was as stressed out as Ismene everytime he didn’t know something, he’d probably have that stroke Eris kept alluding to for real.
“I’ll ask him about it. I recognize the name Malek, I think, but that doesn’t do us much good.”What the fuck was Eris thinking? If Varis was blackmailing him, Max should’ve been the first person to be informed; he was the boots on the ground, as it were. Otherwise, he could see no reason to want anything to do with House Cinnamon, let alone wanting to live with them.
“Does he ever take the pendant off? That’s a pretty ballsy symbol to be displaying even if you are being leveraged into doing it.” If he only wore it in public, Max reckoned it was for show, but if he was wearing it everywhere, he was serious and that was a big issue.
“No. He hasn’t had any appointments to go to, so he’s been wearing it here, but I fear the worst,” Ismene replied.
“I was so convinced that the hapless lover thing was an act and I don’t know what the next step would even be if it isn’t. Part of our argument involved that, but he seems serious about it. Unfortunately, I lost my temper so the trust between us is...damaged for the moment. My brother thinks it’s not all bad, but he’s an idiot.”Act, probably not. But Max definitely thought whatever the fuck happened in that stupid vision got rid of whatever weird thing Eris had going on with the Count. If he refused to explain his reasoning, the mage could only assume the reason sucked and Eris would be rightfully ridiculed for it.
“Is the necklace magic? Maybe he’s a hostage,” Max blurted out in confusion,
“Y’know, say you love House Sinnenodel or it sets off a fireball.” Who would even bother enchanting something like that? Horrible way to ensure cooperation in the long term.
“And he had the audacity to grill me on my romance situation.”“Romance situation? What--Never mind, I’ll assume it’s none of my business,” Ismene tried not to get distracted.
“I could try to get to it in the morning to see if your theory holds merit. Otherwise, we have to assume the worst and prepare accordingly. Sinnenodel mages are notorious for their inability to trust and constant usage of blackmail and backstabbing, it’s a terrible environment.”“Yeah, I go on regular play dates with one,” Max mumbled drearily in response,
“And for the record - ‘romance situation’ meant he wanted to sell me off for babymaking. And he brought you up, which was beyond creepy.” He had a reputation, damn it. Not that Ismene’s opinion really mattered, but still; it was about principles.
“Uh, no offense.”He doubted there was any magic on the pendant, honestly, but it wouldn’t hurt to check. He was tempted to call Eris up right now, but he wouldn’t have the full force of personality he’d need to get the leech to confess over the phone, and it’d just give him time to come up with a lie for when they got back to school anyway. If Malek knew, then Aaron… might know? They both worked for Varis, but that didn’t mean much given Aaron seemed only a step above the carpet. Literally - Varis had to step up from the carpet to stand on him. Either way, it probably wouldn’t hurt to approach the issue, but there was absolutely zero chance of Aaron spilling anyone’s master plans, even if it was the plans of a supposedly dead man.
“None taken,” Ismene muttered back, taking a second to compose herself.
“I think for now, it’s best to play things by ear. There could very well be a chance that you’re right and it’s a situation needing to be resolved as opposed to a change for the future, in which case it’s best to reconvene for a resolution. I don’t think you should confirm it just yet, at least one of us should stay in his good graces, but I can’t stop you if you choose to. Otherwise, there isn’t much left to discuss, unfortunately. I do apologize for my own lack of grace, I didn’t take the news well and...didn’t know who else to call.”Max grunted at Ismene’s idea. He already hated this plan - why was he the suckup? Antagonism actually liked the idea, why wasn’t he the patsy?
“Don’t worry about it, I like being informed. Feels like I’m a nearsighted manatee smacking my head into the aquarium wall instead of a completely blind one. I’ll hold off, but if I see a good opportunity to bring it up, I’m taking it, with or without your approval.” There were only so many ways Eris could answer an on-the-spot question of ‘why are you so dumb’, anyway.
“Fair enough. In the meantime I’ll be in contact with Malek and relay anything relevant,” Ismene sighed, clicking her tongue as a low purr was heard.
“I’d like to think that this is a stopgap measure and that maybe my position will exempt me from Sinnenodel practices, but all it takes is the wrong mage to have an interest and things go sour from there.”“I’m certainly not playing along. Those guys are very unpleasant to interact with,” Max grumbled. Not that he had much room to stand on, but if Aaron was considered a failure by Sinnenodel standards, he didn’t want to meet the successes.
“Plus I’m about as subtle as a brick through a window, so I can’t imagine I’ll be anyone’s favorite pet. See if you can get anything out of Malek without raising too many alarms. Play dumb or something and maybe he’ll deign to correct you.”“Playing dumb doesn’t work when dealing with true Sinnenodel mages, but I think I can get what I need by being direct. Once I’m back in the master’s good graces I can navigate this properly,” Ismene thought out loud, punctuating it with a sigh.
“Don’t worry too much about yourself for now, while you’re attending the academy you’ll need to focus more on your battle prowess. Your affinity makes you the perfect right hand mage, and while I understand your relationship is tumultuous, I hope I can count on you to protect him if need be. I can understand if you choose not to, of course, and at minimum you can learn to skewer any who would seek to harm you in any way, so that’s a positive.”The purr rose into a growl, followed by Ismene shushing it.
“I was on the phone before you got here, you silly animal,” She scolded something before returning to the conversation.
“Either way, I’ll be counting on you.”What the fuck was that noise? It sounded like a really shitty engine. Was… was Eris serious about the tiger? Eris had a fucking
tiger and Max was supposed to be the security detail? He got the wrong guy.
“Yeah, yeah, nobody gets to spear Eris except me, whatever,” He grumbled. She got one thing right; he needed to learn to defend himself. Especially with Eris’ ominous comment about pissing Ryner off - for an actor he sure was intent on making his life dangerous. At this rate Max should just petition to be reassigned to an Astorio and cut the pretense out entirely.
“Being direct usually works for me - they’re not used to people saying what they mean without fifty double meanings. But I’ve never talked to this dude, so I’ll defer to your judgement.”He paused a moment, then continued,
“Okay, I have to ask - does he really own a fucking tiger?”“Technically, he owns multiple tigers. They’re rescues purchased from neglectful caretakers; his grandfather owns an animal sanctuary where they spent most of their time. This one’s gotten particularly attached to him for some reason so I’ve arranged it to be here anytime he returns from the academy,” Ismene replied.
“Not that there’s any room for a tiger to be roaming around in a condo, but she seems to put up with it to see him and annoy me. I’ll introduce you whenever you come visit again.”What the fuck, Eris. Max couldn’t even be surprised - it was so on key for the vampire that he probably wouldn’t have thought anything of it if he’d heard it casually mentioned anywhere else. Why the fuck did he buy that little rat of a dog then, did he plan to feed it to - what’d he call her earlier, Sasha? He really did collect pets. Max was a new exotic animal for his stable. Unbelievable.
“Mmm, I might pass on that one. She might bite me or something.” Couldn’t animals smell when you didn’t like them or something? Apparently not, given how Maxie followed him around, but that was probably just because he feeds her.
“True, we did have to replace our last chef due to mauling,” She mused.
“It’s a joke. We did have to replace the chef but it wasn’t tiger related. There’s a reason I don’t allow the lion here anymore.”The lion. Eris had a whole fucking zoo of predators somewhere, didn’t he?
“Good thing I’m so valuable apparently, maybe he won’t put me on poop scooping duty…” Max sighed into the phone. He was surprised Eris even had a chef, he seemed like the type to forget people had food preferences at all. In fact, he was pretty sure the leech had mentioned he thought lettuce was a treat at one point.
“Does he have any other weird hobbies I should know about? Because I don’t know how someone could forget to mention they own a fucking tiger.”“It depends on what you define as ‘weird’. Vampires live for a long time, they have a tendency to pick up a variety of skills and hobbies,” Ismene replied.
“Animal conservation has been a staple of the Avaline family for centuries with the former duchess Nikolette Avaline--that would be Eris’ grandmother--having one of the largest sanctuaries to date. It’s a lesser known fact considering the Samael family’s fame has largely eclipsed Eris’ efforts.”“As for his hobbies, they range from swordplay to studying history to menial tasks such as folding laundry to...a lot of things that wouldn’t normally interest anyone,” She thought to herself for a second.
“I’m sure there’s a few hobbies he picked up before I was born that I don’t know about.”“What the fuck kind of hobby is folding laundry?” Max asked, choosing that to hone in on specifically in the sea of oddities. He probably thought it was quaint and cute or something. Little mortal chores. The long life angle explained why every vampire he seemed to meet was a fucking weirdo, at least; being normal must’ve gotten boring several centuries ago.
Still, mage collecting made no sense to him. None of the arbitrary status symbol crap did, honestly, but maybe that was his pragmatism talking. Having a tiger was… cool, he guessed, but not having a whole sanctuary of them. Well, he did have the excuse of it being the family trade or whatever, so Max could let that slide.
“He finds it therapeutic. His words, not mine,” Ismene said.
"In my experience vampires tend to latch onto the oddest hobbies. There is a cousin of mine who serves a Samael who has dedicated their eternal life to cultivating peanut plants in an effort to make the perfect peanut butter. Never mind that vampires don't eat…"Clearing her throat, she continued.
"A majority of quirks and hobbies can be attributed to immortal curiosity and a lack of understanding of the way we mortals live. I don’t know why it fascinates some while the rest couldn't care less, but there you have it."Damn, now Max wanted some perfect peanut butter. Eris could arrange that, right? No, that was probably a bad move; he might latch onto that and start trying to give him peanuts when he was good or something equally degrading.
“They could try, I dunno, asking. All the eccentrics just come off as getting their information from poorly researched Mortals For Dummies books written by other out of touch vampires.” He shuddered slightly as Katya popped into his head. Doing weird things to understand mortals seemed like her schtick - up to and including weird marriages, apparently. Then again, she didn’t exactly come off uninformed, just kind of creepy.
“One time I used ‘shit yourself’ as an expression and I think he took me seriously.”Ismene barely held back a laugh.
"They think themselves superior, I don't know if they'd take kindly to taking instruction from mortals," She pointed out.
"Though that does explain a few texts. Their bodies also function differently from ours so their inability to understand certain expressions comes naturally. I did, however, confirm that it wasn’t a literal expression at the time since he was so concerned.”Max snorted in vague amusement. The image of Eris worriedly typing out ‘why does my mage have to poop?’ shouldn’t have been as funny as it was. It had to have been one hell of an ego thing if leeches didn’t want to ask people about other people, though. He was pretty sure zoologists would kill to be able to ask an animal why the fuck it was doing some idiotic behavior. Hell, he felt like that with the dog half the time. Her fascination with windows was beyond him.
“How sweet to know he worries about my bathroom habits like that,” He muttered unenthusiastically,
“Not that I really blame him - he probably assumed I’d make fun of him for asking.”“Are you saying that because you wouldn’t?” Ismene asked slyly.
“Depends on the question,” Max huffed in response,
“And he’d get the information regardless of whether I called him stupid first anyway.”“How considerate,” Ismene mused.
“It’s good to see you’re reliable regardless of how many insults you sling. Usually you just get the insult and no response.”After thinking about that for a second, she let out a sigh.
“Well, back to work, then. Thank you, I feel a lot better now,” She told him sincerely.
“If any other information comes to light, I’ll make sure to keep you in the loop and hope you’ll do the same. I’d like to stay optimistic but it just makes things easier if I walk in with my usual neutrality and take things as they come.”“Uh-huh. Keep me posted. If anything new on the Varis angle comes up I’ll let you know. I can only imagine he’ll have me digging into that as soon as we get back.” Probably send him to harass Aaron, like that would do him any good. Well, he did have a bit of blackmail to play with, but Max couldn’t be entirely certain he’d pick Lilie’s opinion of him over loyalty to Varis, especially since he’d weathered the rumor about him getting a girl sent to the mines by being a whore.
Max paused a moment to let out a long-suffering sigh before continuing,
“Also, I can already tell my mom is gonna want an autograph so what’s the easiest thing to get him to sign? A Blood War copy or something? A napkin?” “Blood War copy? Hm, I could arrange that or the napkin if you so wish, though since it’s for your family I’ll make sure to send something a little more personal--Sasha, do not chew on my pillow!” Ismene scolded the tiger, clearing her throat afterwards.
“I’ll get on it right away, did you want more memorabilia or will the autographed copy of the DVD do?”“I want her to stop bringing Eris up, but I don’t think I’m gonna get that so I’ll settle for whatever you think is best,” Max responded. With any luck he could milk this for every gift-giving holiday of the year, but he’d have to deal with a sappy display of gratitude and he definitely was
not looking forward to that. Whatever, he’d cross that bridge when he got to it.
“Just pretend she’s thirty years younger than she is and make sure he doesn’t write anything inappropriate because I’ll probably vomit.”"I'm sure the shine will fade eventually and only spark up anytime a new film is released," Ismene assured him.
"I'll put something that'll tide her over but not too personal to keep it interesting. Text me her name and I'll have it sent over as soon as it can get there."She paused for a moment, letting out a quiet sigh.
"It goes without saying, but be careful. Things are changing at a pace that begets caution," She decided to throw it out there.
"I'd watch who you choose to trust going forward. Not just in the Sinnenodel matter, but in general. That being said, I do hope you can count on me as one of them."Well, at least that was handled. Probably better to let Ismene do all the thinking anyway, he had no idea what women wanted out of their Eris obsession - aside from the obvious, but that was gross. That shine couldn’t fade fast enough, to be quite honest. Everytime he even alluded to Eris while he was home she’d perk up like a dog that heard the word ‘walk’.
“See, when you say stuff like that, it makes me think you’re not someone I can trust,” He mumbled, then waved off the complaint despite her not being present in the room,
“But it’s fine. We’re collaborators, right? It’s no secret I have entirely self-serving interests but they align nicely with Eris’ interests, so… Unless you start fucking me over behind the scenes, I don’t see why we can’t scratch each other’s backs. I don’t like any of this any more than you probably do, don’t worry about me.” “I say it because I worry. Shocking, I know,” She told him, trying not to laugh.
“As my understudy I do feel obligated to look over your transition into magehood and the world that is Eris Samael, it wouldn’t do to have you stumble around the dark all by your lonesome. I don’t have any particular thing that I can say to have you trust me, but it would make things convenient. And if Eris decides to go through his hackneyed plan of…that thing, then it’d make things less awkward if we were to trust each other. Or make things even more awkward, who knows.”“Gee, thanks. And I hate that I meant that genuinely.” Ismene hadn’t given him any reason to
distrust her, but it wasn’t lost on him that she could be playing him somehow and he’d never know. It seemed like an Eris thing to do, sort of. Either way, she was certainly a better source than the leech himself; he was so loathe to give Max any tidbit of information beyond the bare minimum sometimes he had to wonder if he actually wanted the mage to fuck up whatever task he was assigned to.
Of course, he couldn’t really disparage vampiric paranoia when he was considering this in the first place. Ismene puppeting him around under the guise of helpfully tattling on Eris would be some bullshit, but not completely unthinkable. She was just a little too subservient for him to feel entirely comfortable, but he’d made worse deals with the Retriever. Plus Ismene was, y’know, pleasant company. Aaron just hit him with a stick and degraded his manners.
“You’re a step or twelve above Sinnenodels, whatever happens. Don’t beat yourself up too much,” He continued, then took on a clearly facetious tone,
“I’m just grumpy with people. You know how it is.”“I’m flattered and relieved you think so. Enjoy the rest of your evening, Max.”“Yep, take care of yourself. Don’t get eaten by the tiger,” He lilted before promptly hanging up.
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