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    1. Spookyhat 11 yrs ago

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rocketrobie2 said
I appreciate the criticism :) Sorry about that I'm not the strongest writer but I'll go back and try to make it better.


It's alright, I started out awful, but after two years of doing RPs and writing chapter-based narrative you sort of get the hang of potholes to avoid. If you need it, I can edit your posts and give feedback. That's what I do for my friends' writings.
Not to be picky or anything, but Rocket's post seemed a bit rushed and didn't describe his character in any way, merely rehashing what had already been said. I would suggest you go into detail about his character for a short bit through a minor action or reaction, and then put fuckloads of compound, complex, and other sentences in there instead of having run-ons. Try and pad it with unnecessary details with a lot of separate sentences that actually mean important things.
Sorry, but as a very poor writer, I like to force my self-criticisms on others. And take all advice with a few grains of salt: personal style is something everybody should encourage.
I didn't characterize Ignrak well in my first draft, and I always suck at describing events and scenery. I'm sorry it was so short, but making it any longer required me to understand your characters so well that I could predict their movements, which is not a specialty of mine.
Ignrak was not a smart creature by any means; it was a surprise he could notice a rock flying through the air from his position in a stuporous slump just inside an alley; but when he saw the identical white figure lope off after the horned girl, he knew something was odd. So Ignrak stood up shakily from his heap on the side of the road and looked around: the chase had gone down the street to his left. Ignrak saw the blue woman tied up, and dimly realized that it was she who the horned girl was throwing rocks for.

He took the few slow steps to her and gave a harsh tug on her bindings: they came apart immediately. He pointed in the vauge direction the girl went in, hoping to convey the message to thank her, or at least see what was to come of her, before heading slowly off in that direction himself. Aside from the fighting, which he was superb at for his rank, nothing interesting happened inside the death games. Hopefully something could come of this event he was now part of.
cool cool cool
YoshiSkittlez said
So I'm confused, does he go by Ebolorian or Ignrak?


He IS an Ebolorian, he GOES BY Ignrak.
YoshiSkittlez said
I thought his name was Ignrak?


Yes, but it is in a different language and is spelled in English as Ignrak and I didn't want to come up with a last name so I made up some bullshit.
KK put the picture in, and if you were referring to him needing a last name, his name is actually Ebolorian for his clone-vat-soldier number thingy. You know, basic barcode-on-the-neck random numbers tattooed on arm thingy.
sweet

So, yeah. Plan on having him be the partner of main character/ the woman from the intro if someone's playing her. If not, then just try to escape and wreck shit for the corrupt space government.
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