-Pick one or two keywords vaguely related to the text.
-Edit keywords into assignment question. You now have a thesis.
-Find a sentence that you find interesting. Bonus points if it has some connection to your thesis.
-Elaborate extravagantly on the structure of the sentence. Single out long words to talk about.
-When you run into a contradiction, pick another sentence and talk about it for a little while.
-Reword and re-state your thesis.
-Tailor a topic sentence for whatever the hell it is you've written and put it at the start.
-Repeat.
-Embellish with introduction and conclusion, which are both basically just the thesis reworded and re-reworded a couple of times in a row, but with 'Author's Text Title' inserted somewhere.

You'll probably get about 60%.

Keyguy's Guide to Summer Reading Assignments:

-Buy book
-Throw book to the side
-Formulate opinions on society vaguely related to said book
-Adjust said opinions to math those of your teacher
-Look at questions, re-adjust opinions to match what everyone knows the questions written by the teacher want you to think
-Fill in questions with your no longer opinionated opinions, because they'll all be asking for editorials
-Bring in book with a bookmark at the very end and use it as proof that you read the book
-Get an A+

I hate writing essays

There are three secrets to writing a good A+ essay.

1: Agree with the teacher, even if you don't. Listen to your teachers and get a good idea of what their opinions are about the subject they want you to essay, and then play up their confirmation bias.

2: Fuck around with spacing and shit. Even the smallest, most difficult to measure change in word spacing or margin size will gain you significant page length.

3: When it comes to fluff, use your creative writing skills to make the fluff seem less boring. If you can pull off humor in a professional way, do it, because your teachers appreciate something that isn't shitty and dull after reading thirty other essays that are probably mostly shitty and dull themselves.

There are three secrets to writing a good A+ essay.

1: Agree with the teacher, even if you don't. Listen to your teachers and get a good idea of what their opinions are about the subject they want you to essay, and then play up their confirmation bias.

2: Fuck around with spacing and shit. Even the smallest, most difficult to measure change in word spacing or margin size will gain you significant page length.

3: When it comes to fluff, use your creative writing skills to make the fluff seem less boring. If you can pull off humor in a professional way, do it, because your teachers appreciate something that isn't shitty and dull after reading thirty other essays that are probably mostly shitty and dull themselves.

Number 3 in particular. "Style" is almost as important as content most of the time, partially for the reasons Village mentioned, and partially because it makes the marker think you're eloquent and articulate and they subconsciously lend more credit/consideration to what you're saying.

This is just reminding me school is coming...

Take it from an English Lit major: my best advice for essays is to use copious footnotes and ensure that you "accidentally" cite Victorian smut or pictures of animal testes rather than academic sources for one or two of the footnotes.

It adds some spice to your work, and serves as a good litmus test to see if your teacher gives a fuck about footnotes.

(Side note: I wrote an entire essay on Victorian-era smut and let me tell you that that shit's amazing.)

*Hurriedly scribbles down notes*

This is just reminding me school is coming...

Just let this be your anthem.
[media]youtube.com/watch?v=Faf1ch7Q9XE[/media]

(Side note: I wrote an entire essay on Victorian-era smut and let me tell you that that shit's amazing.)

Wasn't Victorian-era smut just, like, ridiculously filthy? At least compared to our modern impression of them as absolute prudes. Pretty sure I read it on Cracked or something but that's not such a reliable source.

My personal favorite piece of smut was both horridly racist and filthy. It's called The Lustful Turk, or Lascivious Scenes from a Harem and it features kidnap and rape, sex slaves, orgies, pirates, castration, and said castrated man sending one of his favorite sex slaves his penis in a jar, and the other one got his preserved balls.

Technically, it was written in the pre-Victorian era, but it was ignored until the Victorian era where it became insanely popular and also heavily banned.

You know, I feel that this thread should come with a "WARNING: DO NOT TRY THESE SUGGESTIONS IN REALITY."

jussayin.