One more question, and then I sleep: What condition are the lands that used to be a part of the Atlantean Empire in at the moment? Are they shattered into feuding city-states, like Thule? Since most of the ruling class has been murdered, have the native Boreans reclaimed them?
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Flagg Strange. This outcome I did not foresee.
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4 mos ago
Name: Othman Dratha, the Witch King, Lord of Iron
Age: 57
Gender: M
Appearance: A tall, thin man of pale complexion, with angular features heavily scarred. His left eye is missing, the mangled socket is usually covered with a patch and his dark hair is greying at the temples. Dratha usually wears simple steel chest plate and armor, over which he wears a black, cowled cloak.
Personality: A hard drinking man with a wry sense of humor, Dratha is a rather cool and unflappable character. He has the rare gift of a great commander: to demand fear and respect from his men, without seeming haughty, unrelatable or aloof. Years of warfare against the barbarians has deepened a native ruthless streak in him, but towards his own people he tries to be temperate and just, though a strict disciplinarian. In recent years, he has grown increasingly grim and strange, prone to trances and fits and talking to himself in alien tongues. There are whispers among the ranks that tampering with magic has made him slightly unhinged.
Journey: Dratha's primary goal is to survive, to weather the storm, to provide his people with something of security and peace, and to honor his venerated Atlantean ancestors, who forged the greatest society yet known to the world. It is for these goals he first used the secrets of the Book, but he has become increasingly obsessed over the years with magic and history, amassing an impressive library in his Citadel through trade and the plunder of ruins. When not on campaign he spends hours pouring over scrolls of ancients sorcerers and kings, and of course in contemplation of the Book.
Ideals: In a world of chaos and death, Dratha prizes Order, Discipline, Justice, and Piety to the Ancestors, and is trying to build a new state based on all three. He is also more and more interested mastery of the arcane, the High Art of the ancient wizards and the immortality promised by the Book.
Holdings:
The Citadel of Sepulchrave, an ancient fortress of grey stone nestled high in the Wolves' Teeth mountains, as well as several outlying forts and farming villages tucked into valleys and passes.
The Iron Legion, a mongrel force of a few thousand heavy infantry famed for their discipline and loyalty.
The Library: As the Witch King has grown increasingly interested in matters obscure and hidden, he has amassed a patchwork library in his citadel of books and scrolls of philosophy, theology, history and arcana.
The Book: an ancient tome, not particularly thick, bound in crumbling leather and written in a tongue long lost to time. The Witch King carries it with him where ever he goes, usually in a harness underneath his armor.
Dagoth: the Witch King's sword, forged by his own hands and infused with spells and secrets learned from the Book.
Age: 57
Gender: M
Appearance: A tall, thin man of pale complexion, with angular features heavily scarred. His left eye is missing, the mangled socket is usually covered with a patch and his dark hair is greying at the temples. Dratha usually wears simple steel chest plate and armor, over which he wears a black, cowled cloak.
Personality: A hard drinking man with a wry sense of humor, Dratha is a rather cool and unflappable character. He has the rare gift of a great commander: to demand fear and respect from his men, without seeming haughty, unrelatable or aloof. Years of warfare against the barbarians has deepened a native ruthless streak in him, but towards his own people he tries to be temperate and just, though a strict disciplinarian. In recent years, he has grown increasingly grim and strange, prone to trances and fits and talking to himself in alien tongues. There are whispers among the ranks that tampering with magic has made him slightly unhinged.
He was born to rice farmers, in what remained of the Empire of Atlantis, at the place where the desert meets the mountains. At ten he was dragooned into the legions- at this point little more than privateers serving under Atlantaen warlords. At fifteen he had made a name for himself as a warrior and a commander, even as the legion he served devolved and fractured. At twenty he was second in command of what was left of his army, a ragged band of bandits and desperadoes, with nowhere left to run, making a living by raiding barbarian and beastmen camps. It was then his destiny changed.
His company was ambushed by beastkin in a high pass among the Wolves' Teeth. The fighting was fierce, and he cut down many of the mutant hordes, but there was no hope. Slashed across the face by a poisoned blade, half blinded and dying, he abandoned his men, taking refuge in the ruins of an ancient tomb hidden among the sandstone spires of the pass. It was there he found the Book, resting in the clutches of skeletal corpse of some ancient, nameless priest.
He could not read the ancient tongue, and yet the Book spoke to him, told him secrets, gave him hope. More than mere mortals feared the beastkin and the dark gods they served, said the Book. The northmen and their gods were not the only ones who knew of the ancient Art. evil can with evil be expelled...
He emerged from the tomb, haggard and alone but filled with new life. What beastkin came forth to oppose him he slew, and slowly he gathered to himself the remnants of his lost army, and the remnants of many lost and desperate peoples, including flame-haired Hyperboreans left reeling from the Nameless Warlord's whirlwind advance out of Lemuria.
His life since has been one of near constant warfare, attempting to forge a new people and give to them the goods of a settled and secure life, the type of life he barely remembers from his youth, while fending off hordes of barbarians, beastkin and bandits. To that end, he has forged his Iron Legions from refugees of all nations, modeling his armies on those of great and ancient peoples, as the Book has taught him.
His citadel is called Sepulchrave, a fortification high in the Wolves' Teeth mountains. It is in the highlands he has set up his kingdom, such as it is: villages huddled around re-conquered, crumbling Atlantean forts and terrace-farms hidden away in inaccessible valleys.
His wars with the barbarians and mutants have been savage. Every invasion he has countered gives birth to a new enemy. And yet the Witch-King and his Iron Legions endure.
He has gained a reputation among the Northmen, steppe-hordes and his fellow warlords as a dangerous enemy, a skilled commander of a disciplined army, and wielder of ancient and ghastly magickes, hence his moniker. Of course, for the blood thirsty nordlings, he is everything they want in an enemy.
His company was ambushed by beastkin in a high pass among the Wolves' Teeth. The fighting was fierce, and he cut down many of the mutant hordes, but there was no hope. Slashed across the face by a poisoned blade, half blinded and dying, he abandoned his men, taking refuge in the ruins of an ancient tomb hidden among the sandstone spires of the pass. It was there he found the Book, resting in the clutches of skeletal corpse of some ancient, nameless priest.
He could not read the ancient tongue, and yet the Book spoke to him, told him secrets, gave him hope. More than mere mortals feared the beastkin and the dark gods they served, said the Book. The northmen and their gods were not the only ones who knew of the ancient Art. evil can with evil be expelled...
He emerged from the tomb, haggard and alone but filled with new life. What beastkin came forth to oppose him he slew, and slowly he gathered to himself the remnants of his lost army, and the remnants of many lost and desperate peoples, including flame-haired Hyperboreans left reeling from the Nameless Warlord's whirlwind advance out of Lemuria.
His life since has been one of near constant warfare, attempting to forge a new people and give to them the goods of a settled and secure life, the type of life he barely remembers from his youth, while fending off hordes of barbarians, beastkin and bandits. To that end, he has forged his Iron Legions from refugees of all nations, modeling his armies on those of great and ancient peoples, as the Book has taught him.
His citadel is called Sepulchrave, a fortification high in the Wolves' Teeth mountains. It is in the highlands he has set up his kingdom, such as it is: villages huddled around re-conquered, crumbling Atlantean forts and terrace-farms hidden away in inaccessible valleys.
His wars with the barbarians and mutants have been savage. Every invasion he has countered gives birth to a new enemy. And yet the Witch-King and his Iron Legions endure.
He has gained a reputation among the Northmen, steppe-hordes and his fellow warlords as a dangerous enemy, a skilled commander of a disciplined army, and wielder of ancient and ghastly magickes, hence his moniker. Of course, for the blood thirsty nordlings, he is everything they want in an enemy.
Journey: Dratha's primary goal is to survive, to weather the storm, to provide his people with something of security and peace, and to honor his venerated Atlantean ancestors, who forged the greatest society yet known to the world. It is for these goals he first used the secrets of the Book, but he has become increasingly obsessed over the years with magic and history, amassing an impressive library in his Citadel through trade and the plunder of ruins. When not on campaign he spends hours pouring over scrolls of ancients sorcerers and kings, and of course in contemplation of the Book.
Ideals: In a world of chaos and death, Dratha prizes Order, Discipline, Justice, and Piety to the Ancestors, and is trying to build a new state based on all three. He is also more and more interested mastery of the arcane, the High Art of the ancient wizards and the immortality promised by the Book.
Holdings:
The Citadel of Sepulchrave, an ancient fortress of grey stone nestled high in the Wolves' Teeth mountains, as well as several outlying forts and farming villages tucked into valleys and passes.
The Iron Legion, a mongrel force of a few thousand heavy infantry famed for their discipline and loyalty.
The Library: As the Witch King has grown increasingly interested in matters obscure and hidden, he has amassed a patchwork library in his citadel of books and scrolls of philosophy, theology, history and arcana.
The Book: an ancient tome, not particularly thick, bound in crumbling leather and written in a tongue long lost to time. The Witch King carries it with him where ever he goes, usually in a harness underneath his armor.
Dagoth: the Witch King's sword, forged by his own hands and infused with spells and secrets learned from the Book.
GM
Dead Cruiser Dishonour Before Death / Better You Than Me
Member
Seen
4 days ago
Alright, so I had a hell of a day, and now I've finally got the time to sit down and properly review your shitty wonderful character sheets. [Cracks neck, severs own spine] Let's do this.
So, there's a lot going on here. I'm going to break it down piece by piece, but I generally feel that you didn't really make an effort here. I'll explain in more detail as follows.
First of all: the name. You can't expect me to buy this. Even if it wasn't one of the most widely-used (and strangely ill-fitting in this case) pseudonyms in pop culture, it really has nothing to do with his thematics or backstory.
The personality isn't too bad. I cringed a bit when I saw the word "sociopath," expecting something ghastly misunderstood, but you do seem to grasp what an actual sociopath is (though I still recommend looking up Antisocial Personality Disorder). He's machiavellian and scheming, which is interesting if you can pull it off, but I'd like to see a little more depth here. What else drives him? Pride? A deeply-buried insecurity over who he really is?
The history is where things kind of fall apart, because it feels lazy to me. The amnesia and first killing seems like it was written so you didn't actually have to think of a true backstory for him just yet. In any case, I consider the idea of an assassin's guild existing after the fall of essentially every major society kind of illogical; assassins are a political tool mostly, and politics have become largely irrelevant in the Age of Dawn. But you know, with a little reworking, we can keep most of your character's schtick. I can see him having contracted amnesia much later in life, perhaps as a grizzled veteran warrior. He could become some sort of enigmatic, wandering warrior, Ă la the Man with No Name, or Yojimbo. He would do well to gain a little humanity if you take this route, perhaps just as effective a killer, but somewhat remorseful and sympathetic toward innocents. Food for thought.
His journey I like, a quest to regain his past is interesting. But again, I think it would be a more moving quest if there was more of his past to learn. Where did he learn his skills as an assassin? What sort of man was he before? That sort of thing. Think about it.
His values need a lot of work. "He has none," is not an acceptable answer. Now, I am willing to accept such answers as "death, nihilism, greed, self-determination," which do actually seem to be you character's tenants and motivators.
All in all, this looks pretty good. The only major issue is that his backstory doesn't really sync up with the timeline, as mentioned earlier by @HisforHugs (thank you, by the way). A large issue is that the capital of Thule (in the province of Nemedia) was utterly devastated by the Scourge. To the point that if Marcus carried the epithet of "the Nemedian," it would be impressive. The other important point is that by the end of the Years of Dusk, Thule had already balkanized. It was actually the first nation to collapse, in the sixth year of the Years of Dusk.
I really apologize that this kind of ka-fucks your whole backstory, which was really quite good, but even if you don't think it be like it do, it is. I otherwise quite like Marcus and the rest of your CS, and look forward to what you can come up with.
Alright, so we've discussed this a little bit already, so we aren't treading too much new ground here.
First, I think Khalaevna is a little young for what she's accomplished. I could more believably see her as being in her mid-twenties or so.
Secondly, about her appearance. Cough. The photograph (which I specifically advised against, mind) is a bit too modern for me. I recommend finding a new image if you still wish to use one. Also, while I acknowledge your preference for, eh, a particular aesthetic, and respect your dedication to it, here's a little food for thought. It was very difficult to gain weight in a premodern society like people do now. This is due to the lack of refined sugars and simple carbohydrates in the average person's diet. A nobleperson could conceivable have access to these luxuries, as well as to a large amount of red, fatty meat, which could fatten them up a bit. However, these amenities are scarce at best in the Age of Dawn, particularly to a queen of barbarians. Just think about it for me.
So, as I basically understand it, Thalzamaria was basically one of the balkanized states of Thule that set up soon after the Years of Dusk, and claimed swaths of land in northern Thule and Lemuria. Calling them an "empire" is a bit generous, as in such uncivilized times empires are a somewhat outdated concept. The Kongu were a reasonably-large Lemurian tribe that Thalzamaria came into frequent conflict with. This is how I've interpreted your descriptions, and if I'm getting them wrong in some way, this is the way that they would best fit into the setting. Other than that I have no issues.
Khalaevna's goal is to conquer the South with her barbarian horde. Sure, that's fine, but I'd put some thought into whether she just wants to pillage the land or actually rule it. Could be a plot point later.
Now, here's the thing with her ideals. Her current ones are fine, but I could see us adding in such concepts as excess, debauchery and corruption. Remember our good friend Slaanesh? Something like that. I'd happily bend on the issue of aesthetics if we did this, and I'll conspire with you a bit on some later plans for the plot.
Other than that, Khalaevna is fine. I like her sword. I hope that it's evil as hell, made by crazy-ass Northmen.
Okie dokie. First, I can assure you that Dominions and I are drawing our inspiration from the same source: the pulp-fantasy writings of Robert E. Howard, who basically invented the Swords and Sorcery genre.
Anyway, on to Emily. She's great, I like her a lot. I was honestly hoping for a character like her: a gutsy, lonesome female warrior. I just have a couple of notes. First of all, I think she would do well with a big gun. When reading her CS I couldn't help but think of this artwork from Lamentations of the Flame Princess (here's your Trigger Warning for those of you sensitive to gore). If you want to give her a handcannon, that's up to you, but I think she's the ideal person to have one out of our characters so far. The only other thing is that I feel like we could tack onto her ideas, "Independence," "Hunters," and "Purity." Like I said, they can be values or embodiments, and Emily makes me think of one of the maiden huntswomen of Artemis. That said, everything checks out. Like HfH said before, your backstory didn't need much adjustment.
So, the Atlantean home territories (which they had been reduced to by the Years of Dusk) were mostly comprised of large cities surrounded by fiefdoms ruled by lesser lords, who were beholden to the Princes of the various poleis, who in turn were beholden to the King of Atlantis. Despite the depreciated state of Atlantis, they held out well against the plague, the mutants and the Lemurians. The conspiracy that toppled them from within brought the whole house of cards tumbling down. The poleis were toppled, and the nation was basically left defenseless after that. Unlike the former territories of Thule and Iiram, things have been steadily getting worse where Atlantis once was. The beastmen and northmen encroach even further southward, and Lemurians creep in from the East. While in the early years of the Age of Dawn it was possible for the average peasant to live in relative peace, the lack of structure is now screwing them over the worst, as they're basically completely defenseless to the horrors that the other empires bore the brunt of in the Years of Dawn. It's basically become a no-man's land, and many surviving Atlanteans have packed up and left.
Does that answer your question?
@Flagg I'll reserve formal judgement of your character until he is complete, but I will say this much: first, I would prefer art over photographs (and I'm willing to help track down a suitable picture if need be), and second be mindful of the timeline, as Thule had already collapsed by the time Othman was born. You wouldn't consider, perhaps, making him out to be the leader of some auxiliary force on Atlantis, perhaps? Just a thought.
Name: Alucard
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Appearance:
Personality: Alucard is a cold sociopath who doesn't cringe at the thought of cold blooded murder, and he carries the eyes and heart of a demon. He is an incredibly good liar, fooling even the most intelligent. He has killed many to keep himself alive and would do so again, he possesses many selfish tendencies and mostly only cares for himself. However anything is possible depending on the reward.
He has very adept intelligence and is capable of outwitting almost every opponent he faces, hatching plans within plans to seal their fate with death's embrace. If he cared to do so he would make a brilliant strategist or general though he lacks leadership qualities. Whenever he meets someone new he tends to study them and figure out ways to get inside their heads, so he can later manipulate them or toy with their mind.
History: Alucard suffers from memory loss starting around the time he was six or seven, his first memory includes waking up bloody and injured; having killed a man with a knife before hand. He still doesn't know who the man was or why he murdered him, but there was a witness to the crime. An assassin from a local organization had seen everything, and decided to take him in and train him to be used as a tool to accomplish his dirty work. He was brought back to a "guild" of sorts, but there was no honor among thieves in such a place; and everyone had to watch their back. Being raised in such a place, all the while killing and learning how to lie and steal made him into what some would consider a bad person. But he was very good at being a bad person, and he always got his kill. Around his eighteenth birthday he learned his mentor planned to murder him, and he poisoned him in order save his own skin.
Journey: One of the few things that interest Alucard are the years before his time in the guild, the years he has no recollection of. He's interrogated many in his free time in hopes to learn something of his past, but to no avail. Any information about his parents, early childhood, where he was born, or things on his family would be of extreme value to him.
Ideals: Alucard has few actual ideals, and those he does posses are brutally down to earth. He considers human life of little value because he believes all humans are worthless evil creatures to begin with, he follows no religion and firmly believes that there is no god or divine power.
Holdings: Alucard has a shortsword and the tools of a rogue; being poison, smoke, daggers, and lock picks. His only other possession is a respectable sum of money he's collected from his assassination contracts before leaving his guild.
So, there's a lot going on here. I'm going to break it down piece by piece, but I generally feel that you didn't really make an effort here. I'll explain in more detail as follows.
First of all: the name. You can't expect me to buy this. Even if it wasn't one of the most widely-used (and strangely ill-fitting in this case) pseudonyms in pop culture, it really has nothing to do with his thematics or backstory.
The personality isn't too bad. I cringed a bit when I saw the word "sociopath," expecting something ghastly misunderstood, but you do seem to grasp what an actual sociopath is (though I still recommend looking up Antisocial Personality Disorder). He's machiavellian and scheming, which is interesting if you can pull it off, but I'd like to see a little more depth here. What else drives him? Pride? A deeply-buried insecurity over who he really is?
The history is where things kind of fall apart, because it feels lazy to me. The amnesia and first killing seems like it was written so you didn't actually have to think of a true backstory for him just yet. In any case, I consider the idea of an assassin's guild existing after the fall of essentially every major society kind of illogical; assassins are a political tool mostly, and politics have become largely irrelevant in the Age of Dawn. But you know, with a little reworking, we can keep most of your character's schtick. I can see him having contracted amnesia much later in life, perhaps as a grizzled veteran warrior. He could become some sort of enigmatic, wandering warrior, Ă la the Man with No Name, or Yojimbo. He would do well to gain a little humanity if you take this route, perhaps just as effective a killer, but somewhat remorseful and sympathetic toward innocents. Food for thought.
His journey I like, a quest to regain his past is interesting. But again, I think it would be a more moving quest if there was more of his past to learn. Where did he learn his skills as an assassin? What sort of man was he before? That sort of thing. Think about it.
His values need a lot of work. "He has none," is not an acceptable answer. Now, I am willing to accept such answers as "death, nihilism, greed, self-determination," which do actually seem to be you character's tenants and motivators.
Name:
Marcus 'the Bastard' Ausarn
Age:
27
Gender:
Male
Appearance:
Marcus is of above-average height and average weight, and reasonably fit. His eyes are a light gray, his hair jet-black and close-cropped. He maintains a short and well-trimmed beard, and a smirk is almost ever-present on his face.
He commonly wears a simple surcoat over a thin, light coat of chain mail. From his belt, an arquebus and shortsword hang side-by-side.
Personality:
Marcus is outgoing and extroverted, with charm and persuasion coming easily to him in a way that blades and bows never truly did. While many favor their sword-arm as their most important skill, and some few their brain, Marcus's greatest skill has always been his tongue -- able to speak his way out of almost any predicament, easy to trust, easy to believe and easy to follow.
That is not to say that eloquent words are the entirety of Marcus's personality. He is somewhat hot-headed at times, easy to anger but just as easy to calm. More pertinently, he is plagued by ambition in the more archaic sense -- greedy, cunning and sometimes immoral. Marcus often tries to maintain a basic moral code, and generally succeeds, but is not above breaking these morals to get what he feels that he needs.
History:
Marcus was born in a perhaps particularly interesting social position -- the acknowledged bastard son of the last constitutionally-appointed King of Thule, in the years just before the great Addam Ausarn was felled in battle by the barbaric northmen, and the throne was seized by a much more pragmatic king -- one who would erode away all that Thule had stood for in the years before the Dusk Age.
Despite the hesitant affirmation of fatherhood that King Ausarn had granted, Marcus's mother was still a relatively impoverished merchant's daughter, and thus his early life was rather dreary -- particularly with the ever-looming threat of a Hyperborean sack of the capital and the first stirrings of some strange plague in the sewers and gutters of the capital. As the barbarian raids grew ever closer food became more and more scarce, until on a few occasions the young Marcus was forced to beg or steal if he wished to eat.
When he finally came of age, Marcus enlisted as a soldier -- primarily to get some food in his stomach and to avoid the plague, but also because it was the rumor that the King was seeking to root out and eliminate his remaining political opponents -- among them, perhaps, the last king's bastard and his claim, however flimsy, to the throne. It was well known in those days that to do so would be something of a death-wish, as the Hyperboreans grew ever more numerous and cunning, but it was a necessity. Marcus proved a decent soldier but a very adept persuader, and with the right combination of flattery, cunning and boot-licking, he rose to a position of moderate renown.
In the end, though, the powerful gunpowder weapons of Thule proved to be too little against the savages from the north, and in a final battle the nation's amassed army -- among them Marcus -- was scattered to the wind. Many small groups were picked off by roaming packs of beast-men, the result of the ever-growing Scourge, but Marcus managed to make his way to a nearby village with a small group of loyal men and find shelter.
In time, he came to learn that mighty Thule had been shattered entirely, its vassals splintered into petty and warring nation-states. It was then that Marcus realized the power he might potentially wield -- under a particularly charismatic face, a face like his but perhaps a bit better-washed, the remaining nobles of the realm might be persuaded to unite once more to reestablish the old constitution and defeat the Hyperboreans.
There were other tasks to be undertaken first, of course. Markus spent several years performing odd-jobs in various villages in order to save up money for the ordeal he must soon undertake. Some of the tasks he undertook required a strong sword-arm, which Markus could do well enough in comparison to your average bandit or beast-man, but often Markus found himself able to persuade or intimidate his human enemies into giving in, whether by promising them a pardon for their crimes or promising the retribution that would soon be coming -- even when, often, there was neither a pardon or any other retribution in sight.
As time passed, then, Markus became better and better at the bluffs and deceiving truths and persuasions. He found that he had a natural skill for inspiring courage -- or fear -- and convincing people to do what he said, perhaps inherited from the lordly father that he idolized but had never met. In addition, he accumulated more and more gold -- enough, eventually, to trim his beard, purchase a suit of chain-mail and a surcoat and a destrier, and ride boldly up to the portcullis of the nearest lord to introduce himself as the acclaimed Bastard of Ausarn, rightful heir and only son of the last good king of Thule.
Journey:
Markus's rather lofty goals are to unite the people of Thule, cleanse the nation from savages and plague, and reestablish the old constitution -- under his own benevolent rule, of course.
Ideals:
Markus perhaps embodies the quintessential robber-knight, though he is neither robber nor knight -- a bit unkempt and rough around the edges, perhaps lacking in morals, but with a certain amount of charm and eloquence that allows him to rise high in the world.
A part of Markus also idolizes the potentially-exaggerated view of his father, often seen as the last great king of Thule -- chivalrous, fearless, and honorable. Markus, of course, is none of those, but he often compares his own actions, many of them out of necessity or simple greed, to that of this idealized king and parent that he never knew. Another part, of course, wishes to step out from the shadow of his long-late father and build glory of his own.
Holdings:
On his person, Markus owns a coat of chainmail armor, a well-cleaned if old and battered full helm with visor, an arquebus, a shortsword, and a number of small purses of gold -- as well as a few coins sewn about in his boots and the lining of his clothing. He is also in the possession of an impatient and ill-tempered jet-black war horse and various minor personal affects.
All in all, this looks pretty good. The only major issue is that his backstory doesn't really sync up with the timeline, as mentioned earlier by @HisforHugs (thank you, by the way). A large issue is that the capital of Thule (in the province of Nemedia) was utterly devastated by the Scourge. To the point that if Marcus carried the epithet of "the Nemedian," it would be impressive. The other important point is that by the end of the Years of Dusk, Thule had already balkanized. It was actually the first nation to collapse, in the sixth year of the Years of Dusk.
I really apologize that this kind of ka-fucks your whole backstory, which was really quite good, but even if you don't think it be like it do, it is. I otherwise quite like Marcus and the rest of your CS, and look forward to what you can come up with.
Aaaand, here she is!Name:Over-Tyrant Khalaevna, Tradequeen of Mourslev.
Age:19
Gender: Female
Appearance: Before becoming Tradequeen, Khalaevna was a relatively small girl, with a slightly stocky frame and messy tangles of chocolate brown hair. Having over-indulged on a life of wealth and splendour, the young woman has gained a softer, more broad form. She has a noticeable fleshiness to her, with wide hips and a large stomach. Hair dark tresses are intertwined with gold braids, and expensive jewelry coats her body.
Personality: Fueled by rage, desire, hatred, and a temper without bounds, Khalaevna is a force to be reckoned with. She revokes the traditions and conventions of old, and has no care for out-dated principles. Her motivation is her own personal gain, and nothing else. takes priority over it.
History:
Stretching out over the frozen plains which ran between Hyperborea and Lemuria, The Thalzamarian Empire extended across the north east provinces, and was wrought of some of the fiercest warriors and sorcerers to ever walk the realm. A broken Imperial kingdom, in its final years the Empire was ruled over by Tsar Viktar Ozlevskiy, the supposedly god-appointed emperor of all Thalzamaria.
The Empire traced its roots back to the northernmost reaches of the Kingdom of Thule, when the long dead Prince Grigorian adopted the faith of Mortaroth, much to the chagrin of the other nobles. In order to prevent a potential civil war, Grigorian and his followers succeeded from Thule, heading northwards into the frozen wastes beyond.
Thalzamaria developed a rich culture over the years, which suffered immensely at the hands of bloody wars and conflicts. The Empire endured, but in a much more weakened and barbarous state than its first incarnation. What little structure remained was but a poor imitation of the principles upon which the Empire was founded.Religion
The dominant faith was that of Mortaroth, the Bear of the Night. The order of the Cleritari payed homage to Mortaroth, in vast palace-like churches all across Thalzamaria, and was composed of several different chapters.
The Red Cleritari- The High Priests and Priestesses of Mortaorth.
The Blue Cleritari- Occult sorcerers, and the royal order of magic users.
The Purple Cleritari- The lore masters, and keepers of ancient records.
The Black Cleritari- The solemn tenders of the dead.Military
The Thalzamarian military was composed of three chapters, each serving a different purpose.
The Inperiskiy- The rank-and-file soldiers, the Inperiskiy are built of conscripts, peasants, and lower ranking nobles.
The Voyagorodyen- Military-nobles, The Voyagorodyen are elite warriors who practice the ancient military code of Nytvoia, and value honour and loyalty above all else.The Voyagorodyen serve as generals within the Thalzamarian military, and comprise the Tsar and Tsarinaâs personal bodyguard.
The Krovajhal- The covert branch of the Thalzamarian military, the Krovajhal are the elite spies and assassins who pledge their loyalty to the Tsar. A private mercenary order at the disposal of Thalzamarian nobility, these graceful killers are divided into several cults, each competing against one another.The Konagu Horde
Vicious barbarians from the desolate plains beneath Thalzamaria, the Konagu Horde was comprised of seasoned marauders from the inhospitable wastes of Olum.
The Konagu united beneath a single Qagan (the bloodthirsty warchief of the Horde), after the chosen champion of each Konagu tribe underwent a shamanistic ritual to determine who would be appointed leader. After the ritual, the Qagan and his or her blood relatives were imbued with the blessings of the Konagu Pantheon, and gained mastery of the Four Warrior Graces; Rage, desire, valor, and passion.
The Thalzamarians and the Konagu waged war on each other for many generations, with the warriors of Olum constantly launching invasion after invasion upon Thalzamaria. The Konaguâs divided nature and lack of proper tactics proved to be their undoing every time, as the Thalzamarians ultimately drove them back into their wasteland home.
It was when the Tsar Viktar came to power that the Konagu met its end, as the warrior emperor pressed the assault, and pursued the barbarian horde back into Olum itself, massacring man woman and child without the faintest hint of mercy.
The Tsarâs army stormed the Konagu capital, taking Qagan Ghal and his family prisoner, at Viktarâs command.
The public believed the Qagan and his kin to be dead, but Viktar had other plans, and kept them alive in secret. Having heard stories of the Four Warrior Graces, and the gifts that they imbued within their chosen, Viktar planned to breed with the Qaganâs wife, and create a Olevsky child with these blessings. He forced himself upon her, then, once she had bore him a daughter, had the whole family put to the sword.
In doing so, Viktar had evoked the wrath of the Konagu Pantheon, who bestowed the Tsarâs daughter with powers beyond that which he had bargained for.
The child princess Khalaevna was cursed with four malicious blights upon her soul. Her rage was wild and unruly, her desire uncontrollable. In valorâs stead was a zealous hatred, and in passionsâ stead was a temper which knew no bounds.
The royal family, and a whole cohort of guards and tutors tried to control Khalaevna as she grew up, but soon it became apparent that all was for naught.
Abandoning her in the Shagora mountain range on her thirteenth birthday, the Tsar expected his daughter to perish in the snowy peaks. She survived, perhaps just to spite him.
After years of scavenging and scrounging just to stay alive, Khalaevna stumbled, weak and malnourished, upon the lair of the Trogoikos.
The Trogoikos were a species of gremlin-like cave-dwellers, exclusive to network of underground passages and tunnels inside the Shagora mountains. The rodents tried to swarm upon the weakened Khalaevna, but her rage and cruelty proved to be more deadly a weapon than their unmeasurable numbers.
Khalaevna carved through the Trogoikos nest, until she emerged out of the mountain, and wandered straight into a city-like camp which housed the remains of the Lemurian peoples, having settled in the northern peaks after their failed invasion of southern Borea.
The clansman set upon Khalaevna, but their leader, a chieftain named Carthain, intervened. He questioned the young woman, wanting to know how she had managed to somehow sneak past his guards and make her way into the camp undetected.
Khalaevna told Carthain about the Trogoikos tunnel network, and how it led out into the mountain passes beyond. Carthain explained to Khalaevna that the Trogoikos had been leading night-time raids on the Lumerian people since they migrated this far north, but that they had been unable to track them.
The young woman led Carthain and his barbarians through the underground passages, where they wiped out the Trogoikos with ease. Impressed by the young womanâs skill and cunning, Carthain offered Khalaevna a deal; guide the marauders of Lumeria through the mountain passes, help them take Thalzamaria by surprise, and Carthain would take her as his queen.
Khalaevna accepted.
The barbarian host slunk through the mountains, making their way through long forgotten passages and tunnels, until they were ready and poised for a full on invasion. They spent months toiling away within the comfort of their mountain home, crafting weapons, training soldiers, and building machines of war.
When the time was right, the Lumerians swept out right on top of Thalzamaria, and a bloody war broke out between the clansman of Lumeria and the Thalzamarian Empire.
The Thalzamarian military was spread too thinly across Thalzamaria, and by the time enough troughs had been recalled, the Hyperboreians had already reached the Empireâs capital of Razigram.
The Lumerians sacked the city, butchered the remaining royals, and pillaged the Imperial Palace.
The remaining might of the Thalzamarian Empire arrived at the city's gates, and it seemed as though chaos would ensue. Without a ruler, The Voyagorodyen requested to meet with Khalaevna, who was the only remaining heir to the throne.
With the fate of the empire up in the air, and the Lumerians destruction at the hands of the Thalzamarian military imminent, Khalaevna and the most prestigious members of the Voyagorodyen brokered an agreement.
Out of the ashes of both Thalzamaria and Lumeria came the Kingdoms of Mourslev; a fractured commonwealth of raider tribes and pirate fraternities. A fragile bond holds the Mourslevians in check, united by their mutual hatred of the rest of the world, and their lust for conquest. Elements of Thalzamarian and Lumerian culture survived the dissolution, coming together to form a semi-organized host of savage clans.
Once Khalaevna was wed to Carthain, she murdered him and proclaimed herself as the undisputed sovereign of her new people. Forsaking any kind of facade of nobility, Khalaevna name herself Over-Tyrant of all Mourslev, a title she still holds to this day, and has earned a hundred thousand times over with each wicked misdeed she commits.
Journey: Khalaevna has her eyes set firmly on the south, planning to march her newly assembled hordes down into the lands below, seizing as much loot as she can.
Ideals: The young woman is motivated by wealth primarily, as well as the four curses which blacken her soul. Her desire knows no limits, and sheâll stop at nothing to get what she wants.
Holdings: Khalaevna rules over the warring tribes of Mourslev, and has control over all trade routes running through her land. As Trade Queen, sheâs privy to a vast horde of wealth and riches, and has the combined armies of the North Eastern clans at her disposal.
In battle, Khalaevna garbs herself in an imposing regalia of splendid metals, woven together with expensive furs. Her face is covered by a cold iron mask, carved in her own likeness, with sculpted steel hair cast over her shoulders, it's solid features firmly etched into the very helmet itself.
She wields the magic sword Zalewylch, a one-handed saber of blessed stone and arcane charms. Light and extremely durable, Zalewylch was forged from the prized minerals given to Khalaevna by her tribes in tribute.
Alright, so we've discussed this a little bit already, so we aren't treading too much new ground here.
First, I think Khalaevna is a little young for what she's accomplished. I could more believably see her as being in her mid-twenties or so.
Secondly, about her appearance. Cough. The photograph (which I specifically advised against, mind) is a bit too modern for me. I recommend finding a new image if you still wish to use one. Also, while I acknowledge your preference for, eh, a particular aesthetic, and respect your dedication to it, here's a little food for thought. It was very difficult to gain weight in a premodern society like people do now. This is due to the lack of refined sugars and simple carbohydrates in the average person's diet. A nobleperson could conceivable have access to these luxuries, as well as to a large amount of red, fatty meat, which could fatten them up a bit. However, these amenities are scarce at best in the Age of Dawn, particularly to a queen of barbarians. Just think about it for me.
So, as I basically understand it, Thalzamaria was basically one of the balkanized states of Thule that set up soon after the Years of Dusk, and claimed swaths of land in northern Thule and Lemuria. Calling them an "empire" is a bit generous, as in such uncivilized times empires are a somewhat outdated concept. The Kongu were a reasonably-large Lemurian tribe that Thalzamaria came into frequent conflict with. This is how I've interpreted your descriptions, and if I'm getting them wrong in some way, this is the way that they would best fit into the setting. Other than that I have no issues.
Khalaevna's goal is to conquer the South with her barbarian horde. Sure, that's fine, but I'd put some thought into whether she just wants to pillage the land or actually rule it. Could be a plot point later.
Now, here's the thing with her ideals. Her current ones are fine, but I could see us adding in such concepts as excess, debauchery and corruption. Remember our good friend Slaanesh? Something like that. I'd happily bend on the issue of aesthetics if we did this, and I'll conspire with you a bit on some later plans for the plot.
Other than that, Khalaevna is fine. I like her sword. I hope that it's evil as hell, made by crazy-ass Northmen.
Okay, I have to ask - have you been playing a lot of Dominions? Because I have been playing a shitload of Dominions lately, and I can't help but notice a lot of similar themes/locations (Atlantis, Lemuria.) Might just be my imagination.
Name: Emily Gehrman
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Personality: Emily is tough, sarcastic, and straightforward - at least when she's working. She has a sweeter, more compassionate side that she generally reserves for people she cares very much about, of whom there are few. To most people, she appears to care about only one thing - her job, which she pursues with ruthless efficiency. Emily is a hunter of monsters, primarily mutants, and there's pretty much no quarry she won't go after, however big or numerous, and she never gives up on a hunt. Overall, she's a fairly quiet, reserved person, her occasional bouts of anger whenever she perceives someone as being incompetent / willfully stupid or unhelpful notwithstanding.
History: Emily was born in a small village in the north of Borea - a town so beneath notice it barely had a name, being referred to by residents as 'the village' and by non-residents as 'where?'; though on a few maps it could be identified as being called 'Scahburg'. The soil wasn't great for agriculture, so the people of the village survived on woodscraft - hunting, foraging, fishing, and trading pelts or lumber with the occasional passing merchant. Emily was born the only child of the finest ranger in the village, heir to a legacy of woodsmen that stretched back for generations. Because he had no son to pass his teachings on to, her father taught her instead, and she learned from him how to hunt, track, travel, forage, and many other useful arts. All was quiet, for a time.
Then the plague came. The village had survived the Dusk Years largely intact, being by and large beneath the notice of any marching army. That changed, however, when a woodsman returned infected from a fateful encounter with a mutant. Isolated as they were, the folk of the village had little knowledge of how to combat a large outbreak, and as a result the plague spread like wildfire through the small town, mutating the townsfolk and making them savage one another. In barely a week, Scahburg went from a sleeply little village to a blood-stained ghost town haunted by monsters. The last two left alive were Emily and her father, who'd been able to barricade themselves in their home early on and so survive the onslaught - but when Emily's father began to feel the telltale signs of the Scourge, he left their haven and set himself ablaze rather than risk infecting his daughter. Emily was left alone.
She was deliberate, and methodical; she took her time. Over the next two weeks, Emily purged every mutant from the husk of her town, every monster that had once been a friend. She tangled them in nets, impaled them on fishing spears, she chopped them up with axes or cast them into firepits or shot them with her father's crossbow. When it was done, she lit the entire village ablaze, and to this day only ashes remain.
Since then, she has wandered, sticking mainly in Borea where her prey runs thickest. She hunts the remnants of the Scourge, the mutant packs that still rampage in Borea - and she's gotten quite good at it, having refined her tactics and expanded her arsenal. Word has spread of her deeds, more tall tales than actual stories, of the girl with the crossbow and the hair like fire, who marches into the darkness to slay the monsters.
Journey: Emily's out to kill every single mutant she can find - she'd probably branch out into other supernatural horrors as well, if any came up. Her final goal is a world without monsters, though privately, she has no idea how she'd fit into such a world.
Ideals: Courage, Cleverness, Determination, Humanity's inherent will to punch back against the darkness.
Holdings: Emily possesses an enormous arsenal of 'tools' for use in her hunts - various contraptions, potions, snares, traps, and anything else she thinks she might need, ever - miraculously, she manages to keep it all more or less organized and can find just about anything in a minute or two of rummaging. Her two main weapons are her father's crossbow, which she's tinkered slightly so that it can fire faster, reload easier, and contain special ammunition of her own design (many of which set things on fire - she has a thing about fire), as well as the springloaded blades she keeps in her right sleeve and on her left boot-heel; think Hidden Blades from Assassin's Creed, but slightly longer. She also has a horse, several saddlebags to carry everything, and a modest amount of money to her name that she's gained from reward money on particularly troublesome mutants. It's enough that she could live comfortably for a time, but it's no fortune, given how much of her income goes to purchasing the abovementioned hunting supplies.
Okie dokie. First, I can assure you that Dominions and I are drawing our inspiration from the same source: the pulp-fantasy writings of Robert E. Howard, who basically invented the Swords and Sorcery genre.
Anyway, on to Emily. She's great, I like her a lot. I was honestly hoping for a character like her: a gutsy, lonesome female warrior. I just have a couple of notes. First of all, I think she would do well with a big gun. When reading her CS I couldn't help but think of this artwork from Lamentations of the Flame Princess (here's your Trigger Warning for those of you sensitive to gore). If you want to give her a handcannon, that's up to you, but I think she's the ideal person to have one out of our characters so far. The only other thing is that I feel like we could tack onto her ideas, "Independence," "Hunters," and "Purity." Like I said, they can be values or embodiments, and Emily makes me think of one of the maiden huntswomen of Artemis. That said, everything checks out. Like HfH said before, your backstory didn't need much adjustment.
One more question, and then I sleep: What condition are the lands that used to be a part of the Atlantean Empire in at the moment? Are they shattered into feuding city-states, like Thule? Since most of the ruling class has been murdered, have the native Boreans reclaimed them?
So, the Atlantean home territories (which they had been reduced to by the Years of Dusk) were mostly comprised of large cities surrounded by fiefdoms ruled by lesser lords, who were beholden to the Princes of the various poleis, who in turn were beholden to the King of Atlantis. Despite the depreciated state of Atlantis, they held out well against the plague, the mutants and the Lemurians. The conspiracy that toppled them from within brought the whole house of cards tumbling down. The poleis were toppled, and the nation was basically left defenseless after that. Unlike the former territories of Thule and Iiram, things have been steadily getting worse where Atlantis once was. The beastmen and northmen encroach even further southward, and Lemurians creep in from the East. While in the early years of the Age of Dawn it was possible for the average peasant to live in relative peace, the lack of structure is now screwing them over the worst, as they're basically completely defenseless to the horrors that the other empires bore the brunt of in the Years of Dawn. It's basically become a no-man's land, and many surviving Atlanteans have packed up and left.
Does that answer your question?
@Flagg I'll reserve formal judgement of your character until he is complete, but I will say this much: first, I would prefer art over photographs (and I'm willing to help track down a suitable picture if need be), and second be mindful of the timeline, as Thule had already collapsed by the time Othman was born. You wouldn't consider, perhaps, making him out to be the leader of some auxiliary force on Atlantis, perhaps? Just a thought.
2x Thank
Kingfisher Observing or participating?
Member
Seen
4 yrs ago
<Snipped quote by Kingfisher>
Alright, so we've discussed this a little bit already, so we aren't treading too much new ground here.
First, I think Khalaevna is a little young for what she's accomplished. I could more believably see her as being in her mid-twenties or so.
Secondly, about her appearance. Cough. The photograph (which I specifically advised against, mind) is a bit too modern for me. I recommend finding a new image if you still wish to use one. Also, while I acknowledge your preference for, eh, a particular aesthetic, and respect your dedication to it, here's a little food for thought. It was very difficult to gain weight in a premodern society like people do now. This is due to the lack of refined sugars and simple carbohydrates in the average person's diet. A nobleperson could conceivable have access to these luxuries, as well as to a large amount of red, fatty meat, which could fatten them up a bit. However, these amenities are scarce at best in the Age of Dawn, particularly to a queen of barbarians. Just think about it for me.
So, as I basically understand it, Thalzamaria was basically one of the balkanized states of Thule that set up soon after the Years of Dusk, and claimed swaths of land in northern Thule and Lemuria. Calling them an "empire" is a bit generous, as in such uncivilized times empires are a somewhat outdated concept. The Kongu were a reasonably-large Lemurian tribe that Thalzamaria came into frequent conflict with. This is how I've interpreted your descriptions, and if I'm getting them wrong in some way, this is the way that they would best fit into the setting. Other than that I have no issues.
Khalaevna's goal is to conquer the South with her barbarian horde. Sure, that's fine, but I'd put some thought into whether she just wants to pillage the land or actually rule it. Could be a plot point later.
Now, here's the thing with her ideals. Her current ones are fine, but I could see us adding in such concepts as excess, debauchery and corruption. Remember our good friend Slaanesh? Something like that. I'd happily bend on the issue of aesthetics if we did this, and I'll conspire with you a bit on some later plans for the plot.
Other than that, Khalaevna is fine. I like her sword. I hope that it's evil as hell, made by crazy-ass Northmen.
I'll be honest, I was hoping if a slapped enough filters on the photo it would look like a painting and I'd get away with it xD
I'll age her up a bit and find a more appropriate picture. In terms of Slaanesh as an influence I do love me some Chaos gods, even more so if it means I can keep her appearance more in line with what I had intended.
Thalzamaria being called an empire is more of a grandiose title, than anything else. A bit like the Holy Roman Empire; "Neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire".
I shall go forth and revise my CS. Shouldn't take too long, and I'll let you know when its been updated.
Many thanks for the feedback!
----EDIT-----
Made the changes. Let me know what you think.
HisforHugs
Member
Seen
9 yrs ago
An alchemist from Thule, largely done, PMed for feedback and a lore check. :D
Minato Namikaze The Yellow Flash of the Leaf
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8 yrs ago
Alright, so I had a hell of a day, and now I've finally got the time to sit down and properly review your shitty wonderful character sheets. [Cracks neck, severs own spine] Let's do this.
<Snipped quote by Minato Namikaze>
So, there's a lot going on here. I'm going to break it down piece by piece, but I generally feel that you didn't really make an effort here. I'll explain in more detail as follows.
First of all: the name. You can't expect me to buy this. Even if it wasn't one of the most widely-used (and strangely ill-fitting in this case) pseudonyms in pop culture, it really has nothing to do with his thematics or backstory.
The personality isn't too bad. I cringed a bit when I saw the word "sociopath," expecting something ghastly misunderstood, but you do seem to grasp what an actual sociopath is (though I still recommend looking up Antisocial Personality Disorder). He's machiavellian and scheming, which is interesting if you can pull it off, but I'd like to see a little more depth here. What else drives him? Pride? A deeply-buried insecurity over who he really is?
The history is where things kind of fall apart, because it feels lazy to me. The amnesia and first killing seems like it was written so you didn't actually have to think of a true backstory for him just yet. In any case, I consider the idea of an assassin's guild existing after the fall of essentially every major society kind of illogical; assassins are a political tool mostly, and politics have become largely irrelevant in the Age of Dawn. But you know, with a little reworking, we can keep most of your character's schtick. I can see him having contracted amnesia much later in life, perhaps as a grizzled veteran warrior. He could become some sort of enigmatic, wandering warrior, Ă la the Man with No Name, or Yojimbo. He would do well to gain a little humanity if you take this route, perhaps just as effective a killer, but somewhat remorseful and sympathetic toward innocents. Food for thought.
His journey I like, a quest to regain his past is interesting. But again, I think it would be a more moving quest if there was more of his past to learn. Where did he learn his skills as an assassin? What sort of man was he before? That sort of thing. Think about it.
His values need a lot of work. "He has none," is not an acceptable answer. Now, I am willing to accept such answers as "death, nihilism, greed, self-determination," which do actually seem to be you character's tenants and motivators.
<Snipped quote by DeltaV>
All in all, this looks pretty good. The only major issue is that his backstory doesn't really sync up with the timeline, as mentioned earlier by [@HisofHugs] (thank you, by the way). A large issue is that the capital of Thule (in the province of Nemedia) was utterly devastated by the Scourge. To the point that if Marcus carried the epithet of "the Nemedian," it would be impressive. The other important point is that by the end of the Years of Dusk, Thule had already balkanized. It was actually the first nation to collapse, in the sixth year of the Years of Dusk.
I really apologize that this kind of ka-fucks your whole backstory, which was really quite good, but even if you don't think it be like it do, it is. I otherwise quite like Marcus and the rest of your CS, and look forward to what you can come up with.
<Snipped quote by Kingfisher>
Alright, so we've discussed this a little bit already, so we aren't treading too much new ground here.
First, I think Khalaevna is a little young for what she's accomplished. I could more believably see her as being in her mid-twenties or so.
Secondly, about her appearance. Cough. The photograph (which I specifically advised against, mind) is a bit too modern for me. I recommend finding a new image if you still wish to use one. Also, while I acknowledge your preference for, eh, a particular aesthetic, and respect your dedication to it, here's a little food for thought. It was very difficult to gain weight in a premodern society like people do now. This is due to the lack of refined sugars and simple carbohydrates in the average person's diet. A nobleperson could conceivable have access to these luxuries, as well as to a large amount of red, fatty meat, which could fatten them up a bit. However, these amenities are scarce at best in the Age of Dawn, particularly to a queen of barbarians. Just think about it for me.
So, as I basically understand it, Thalzamaria was basically one of the balkanized states of Thule that set up soon after the Years of Dusk, and claimed swaths of land in northern Thule and Lemuria. Calling them an "empire" is a bit generous, as in such uncivilized times empires are a somewhat outdated concept. The Kongu were a reasonably-large Lemurian tribe that Thalzamaria came into frequent conflict with. This is how I've interpreted your descriptions, and if I'm getting them wrong in some way, this is the way that they would best fit into the setting. Other than that I have no issues.
Khalaevna's goal is to conquer the South with her barbarian horde. Sure, that's fine, but I'd put some thought into whether she just wants to pillage the land or actually rule it. Could be a plot point later.
Now, here's the thing with her ideals. Her current ones are fine, but I could see us adding in such concepts as excess, debauchery and corruption. Remember our good friend Slaanesh? Something like that. I'd happily bend on the issue of aesthetics if we did this, and I'll conspire with you a bit on some later plans for the plot.
Other than that, Khalaevna is fine. I like her sword. I hope that it's evil as hell, made by crazy-ass Northmen.
<Snipped quote by TheWizardLizard>
Okie dokie. First, I can assure you that Dominions and I are drawing our inspiration from the same source: the pulp-fantasy writings of Robert E. Howard, who basically invented the Swords and Sorcery genre.
Anyway, on to Emily. She's great, I like her a lot. I was honestly hoping for a character like her: a gutsy, lonesome female warrior. I just have a couple of notes. First of all, I think she would do well with a big gun. When reading her CS I couldn't help but think of this artwork from Lamentations of the Flame Princess (here's your Trigger Warning for those of you sensitive to gore). If you want to give her a handcannon, that's up to you, but I think she's the ideal person to have one out of our characters so far. The only other thing is that I feel like we could tack onto her ideas, "Independence," "Hunters," and "Purity." Like I said, they can be values or embodiments, and Emily makes me think of one of the maiden huntswomen of Artemis. That said, everything checks out. Like HfH said before, your backstory didn't need much adjustment.
<Snipped quote by DeltaV>
So, the Atlantean home territories (which they had been reduced to by the Years of Dusk) were mostly comprised of large cities surrounded by fiefdoms ruled by lesser lords, who were beholden to the Princes of the various poleis, who in turn were beholden to the King of Atlantis. Despite the depreciated state of Atlantis, they held out well against the plague, the mutants and the Lemurians. The conspiracy that toppled them from within brought the whole house of cards tumbling down. The poleis were toppled, and the nation was basically left defenseless after that. Unlike the former territories of Thule and Iiram, things have been steadily getting worse where Atlantis once was. The beastmen and northmen encroach even further southward, and Lemurians creep in from the East. While in the early years of the Age of Dawn it was possible for the average peasant to live in relative peace, the lack of structure is now screwing them over the worst, as they're basically completely defenseless to the horrors that the other empires bore the brunt of in the Years of Dawn. It's basically become a no-man's land, and many surviving Atlanteans have packed up and left.
Does that answer your question?
@Flagg I'll reserve formal judgement of your character until he is complete, but I will say this much: first, I would prefer art over photographs (and I'm willing to help track down a suitable picture if need be), and second be mindful of the timeline, as Thule had already collapsed by the time Othman was born. You wouldn't consider, perhaps, making him out to be the leader of some auxiliary force on Atlantis, perhaps? Just a thought.
I did some heavy editing, basically a total overhaul. Got rid of the memory loss, sorry for the crappy writing the first go around. I wrote it when I was very tired and it wasn't my first character sheet of the night, should be alot better now.
TheWizardLizard
Member
Seen
4 yrs ago
I... was unaware we had guns. I will absolutely take a gun if that's an option - modified crossbows, after all, are pretty much the weapon of choice for "I want a gun, but they don't exist in this setting." I'm keeping the picture with the crossbow, however, cus I like it.
As far as values, I'll happily tack on 'Hunters' and 'Independence', as those seem like fairly important aspects - I'll leave out 'purity', if that's all the same, not because it doesn't describe her but more because I don't think it's a huge aspect of her character (though the Artemis comparison is interesting to think about.)
Thank you kindly for the detailed review, by the by. With those edits made, will I be clear to post her in the characters tab, whenever we start doing that?
As far as values, I'll happily tack on 'Hunters' and 'Independence', as those seem like fairly important aspects - I'll leave out 'purity', if that's all the same, not because it doesn't describe her but more because I don't think it's a huge aspect of her character (though the Artemis comparison is interesting to think about.)
Thank you kindly for the detailed review, by the by. With those edits made, will I be clear to post her in the characters tab, whenever we start doing that?
I imagine that the guns available are Napoleonic-era stuff, so honestly it might be more useful to use a bow or crossbow for hunting.
GM
Dead Cruiser Dishonour Before Death / Better You Than Me
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4 days ago
I imagine that the guns available are Napoleonic-era stuff, so honestly it might be more useful to use a bow or crossbow for hunting.
Hmm, think even earlier. Some of your most basic flintlock, smooth-bore guns.
So if you're hunting, and want to bring home something other than a bloody pulp, sure you'd have a crossbow or a bow. But if you're just trying to murder something a gun is plenty sufficient.
Just a quick note while I'm at work, I'll provide some Deep and Meaningful analysis on my lunch break.
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Flagg Strange. This outcome I did not foresee.
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4 mos ago
@Flagg I'll reserve formal judgement of your character until he is complete, but I will say this much: first, I would prefer art over photographs (and I'm willing to help track down a suitable picture if need be), and second be mindful of the timeline, as Thule had already collapsed by the time Othman was born. You wouldn't consider, perhaps, making him out to be the leader of some auxiliary force on Atlantis, perhaps? Just a thought.
@Dead Cruiser I got rid of the picture, no problem. I'm just gonna stick with a written description I'll add later.
As for the timeline/geography, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understood the Iron Kingdoms as not being equivalent to Thule. Like, there was Thule that broke away from Atlantis, but a bunch of other petty kingdoms up there too. Regardless, I'll change the history a bit and make him affiliated with Atlantis and also scale down his holdings a bit, cause on second look I made it seem like he has a whole kingdom when he really has a big ass castle and some farms.
UPDATE: My CS is complete and ready to be reviewed. Excuse the poor writing and general shittiness, CSes are never my strong suit. Still waiting to find out what is my strong suit, but that's a whole other thing
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GM
Dead Cruiser Dishonour Before Death / Better You Than Me
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4 days ago
Okay, here goes.
@Minato Namikaze I can't say I like this new direction. More effort was put into the CS, which I appreciate, but the character no longer really fits with the theme of the RP. Our characters in are meant to be powerful or influential figures in the Age of Dawn; Desmond is just some asshole kid. A reworked "Alucard" would have been preferable to the current incarnation of your character.
@Kingfisher Looks good to me!! I'll let you guys know when to post your characters in the appropriate tab. Some time tonight, most likely.
@TheWizardLizard Emily is A-OK. I suggested "Purity" due to her goal of "purifying" Borea of the Scourge, but I leave it up to you. A small thought I had would be that she kept her father's crossbow, but also acquired a fuck-huge blunderbuss or something similar as her weapon, meant mostly for blowing huge chunks out of beastmen. Like I said, up to you, but I see no reason that she can't have both.
@Flagg The Witch King is acceptable! Don't see anything that strikes me as off or that could be better. I look forward to seeing him in action.
I'll be working on my own character sometime tonight. Though as painfully aware as I am of the pitfalls surround DMPCs, he'll mostly be a walking plot coupon for other characters.
@Minato Namikaze I can't say I like this new direction. More effort was put into the CS, which I appreciate, but the character no longer really fits with the theme of the RP. Our characters in are meant to be powerful or influential figures in the Age of Dawn; Desmond is just some asshole kid. A reworked "Alucard" would have been preferable to the current incarnation of your character.
@Kingfisher Looks good to me!! I'll let you guys know when to post your characters in the appropriate tab. Some time tonight, most likely.
@TheWizardLizard Emily is A-OK. I suggested "Purity" due to her goal of "purifying" Borea of the Scourge, but I leave it up to you. A small thought I had would be that she kept her father's crossbow, but also acquired a fuck-huge blunderbuss or something similar as her weapon, meant mostly for blowing huge chunks out of beastmen. Like I said, up to you, but I see no reason that she can't have both.
@Flagg The Witch King is acceptable! Don't see anything that strikes me as off or that could be better. I look forward to seeing him in action.
I'll be working on my own character sometime tonight. Though as painfully aware as I am of the pitfalls surround DMPCs, he'll mostly be a walking plot coupon for other characters.
2x Thank
Little Bill Unbannable
Member
Seen
6 mos ago
Name:
Archranger Flint
Age:
44
Gender:
Male
Appearance:
Flint stands a few inches shorter than most men, has brown hair and green eyes, and is generally the last person one would expect to be The King of Rangers, though for a ranger, this is a good thing. He wears clothes typical for a ranger, with no cape or crown to denote his status -- A hood that is rarely ever lowered obscures most of his sun-leathered face, along with lightweight leather armor and a green tunic and pants designed to act as camouflage in the thick Borean forests while keeping him warm and dry as well. Everything he wears is caked in a thin layer of dirt, and is usually somewhat tattered or frayed at the edges.
Personality:
Flint is strange. First and foremost, he is almost completely mute, though it is unknown if this is a personal choice or a mental impediment. He communicates with nods, grunts, and occasionally whistles, though nobody has ever known him to speak. On very, very rare occasions, he may speak one or two words if absolutely necessary, but will otherwise do anything to avoid communicating directly. As a result, most simply just call him "The Archranger" -- Being asked his name is far from an important enough reason for him to speak.
Flint has poor social skills, is uncomfortable and panicky in crowds, and dislikes being touched. Additionally, though he has expert knowledge of animal behavior, he has great difficulty picking up on social cues. Fortunately, what Flint lacks in social graces, he makes up for being a survivalist savant. Flint is exceptionally skilled with wilderness survival, and has spent years at a time in total isolation in the forests of Borea without so much as a tent. He can start a fire in the middle of a storm, shoot down a bird without killing it, and track footprints through rivers at night. Flint's skills as a ranger border on supernatural.
History:
Flint was born shortly after the beginning of the Age of Dawn, in a small logging village in Borea. Even in the early stages of his childhood, it was easy to see that Flint was different. He would not cry as a baby, had little interest in playing with other children, and was frequently caught sneaking into the forest surrounding his village after dark by his mother and father. It was rumored that Flint was a changeling left by fairies, leading most to view him with a great deal of suspicion, driving him further into isolation, which Flint enjoyed greatly.
As a boy, Flint showed a great deal of aptitude for archery and was considered for candidacy as a squire, but was ultimately not chosen for his unnerving silence and strange mannerisms. Flint spent most of his adolescence in his village's forest honing his skills as an archer and woodsman, dragging entire elks to his family's cottage frequently enough that most believed he had been stealing from other hunters.
Eventually, Flint left home to join the rangers and learn their ways. Since then, he has lived his life in periods of isolation in Borea's forest, only occasionally having contact with other rangers in passing. By the time Flint was in his late thirties, he was skilled enough to be known throughout Borea, and when Archranger Korin died of an illness, Flint was elected at a ranger's summit to take his place. Since then, he has continued his work as a ranger, keeping the forests of Borea safe from bandits and mutants alike, planting medicinal herbs along roads, and generally acting as a steward of the land.
Journey:
Though his path will soon change, Flint has few goals other than the preservation and protection of Borea's forests.
Ideals: Freedom, Self-Sufficiency, Humility, Duty, Balance, Nature
Holdings:
Though Flint technically holds no lands or titles, his status as Archranger makes him the de facto king of Borea's forests, and gives him the right to call a ranger's summit. Additionally, as the leader of the Rangers Guild, any and all rangers he meets on the road are sworn to protect and serve him, though he generally tries to avoid contact whenever possible.
His equipment is simple, as he travels lighter than most rangers. He carries fire starting tools, a day of rations, a quiver of arrows, a longbow, a dagger, and a metal dart attached to thirty feet of rope.
The Ranger's Star, a symbol carved into trees by rangers to denote that an area is safe. It is the unofficial symbol of The Ranger's Guild.
Approximately 200 years old, The Ranger's Guild is an organization of elite trackers and woodsmen. Originally created to track and arrest poachers and bandits, The Ranger's Guild has had a great deal of ebb and flow regarding their mission, usually because of the absolute power that their elected archrangers possess. For about sixty years, The Ranger's Guild has become less of a forest brute squad, and more of a vigilante group that acts as peacekeepers in forest villages too small for city guards, as well as protectors of the forest in general.
Most rangers live close to a patch of forest that they patrol daily, living either in villages or in solitary cabins, though some are dedicated enough to being rangers that they travel throughout the forests permanently. They are usually viewed with admiration by peasantry and with a certain level of disdain by high lords and kings.
Their current archranger is an anomaly from the usual -- most archrangers are well-known, have regular communication with other rangers, and typically live in large, comfortable cabins to retire in peace. The current archranger carries little more than a blanket for comfort, and actively avoids giving his whereabouts to other rangers. That being said, most rangers still view him with a mixture of confusion and admiration for his dedication and skill.
All rangers repeat The Ranger's Oath before the ranger who trained them during their initiation, which is considered legally binding and grounds for execution if broken.
Before I am a son to my mother, I am a ranger of my land
Before I am a soldier to my king, I am the sword of my archranger
Before I am a countryman to my people, I am a brother to my guild
Before I am a follower to my god, I am loyal to the rangers
I am a ranger, from now until my last breath.
Before I am a soldier to my king, I am the sword of my archranger
Before I am a countryman to my people, I am a brother to my guild
Before I am a follower to my god, I am loyal to the rangers
I am a ranger, from now until my last breath.
Flagg Strange. This outcome I did not foresee.
Member
Seen
4 mos ago
@Flagg The Witch King is acceptable! Don't see anything that strikes me as off or that could be better. I look forward to seeing him in action.
I'll be working on my own character sometime tonight. Though as painfully aware as I am of the pitfalls surround DMPCs, he'll mostly be a walking plot coupon for other characters.
Great, looking forward to seeing your character and getting started!
@Kingfisher: Can our characters please fight? :)
@all: happy to work out possible history between my character and others.
GM
Dead Cruiser Dishonour Before Death / Better You Than Me
Member
Seen
4 days ago
Name: Archranger Flint
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Appearance: Flint stands a few inches shorter than most men, has brown hair and green eyes, and is generally the last person one would expect to be The King of Rangers, though for a ranger, this is a good thing. He wears clothes typical for a ranger, with no cape or crown to denote his status -- A hood that is rarely ever lowered obscures most of his sun-leathered face, along with lightweight leather armor and a green tunic and pants designed to act as camouflage in the thick Borean forests while keeping him warm and dry as well.
Personality: Flint is strange. First and foremost, he is almost completely mute, though it is unknown if this is a personal choice or a mental impediment. He communicates with nods, grunts, and occasionally whistles, though nobody has ever known him to speak. On very, very rare occasions, he may speak one or two words if absolutely necessary, but is otherwise completely silent. As a result, most simply just call him "The Archranger" -- Being asked his name is far from an important enough reason for him to speak.
Flint has poor social skills and is uncomfortable and panicky in crowds, and dislikes being touched. Fortunately, what Flint lacks in social graces, he makes up for with his savant-like survival skills. Flint is exceptionally skilled with wilderness survival, and has spent years at a time in total isolation in the forests of Borea without so much as a tent.
History: Flint was born shortly after the beginning of the Age of Dawn, in a small logging village in Borea. Even in the early stages of his childhood, it was easy to see that Flint was different. He would not cry as a baby, had little interest in playing with other children, and was frequently caught sneaking into the forest surrounding his village after dark by his mother and father. It was rumored that Flint was a changeling left by fairies, leading most to view him with a great deal of suspicion, driving him further into isolation, which Flint enjoyed greatly.
Eventually, Flint left home to join the rangers and learn their ways. Since then, he has lived his life in periods of isolation in the woods, only occasionally having contact with other rangers in passing. By the time Flint was in his late thirties, he was skilled enough to be known throughout Borea, and when Archranger Korin died of an illness, Flint was elected at a ranger's summit to take his place. Since then, he has continued his work as a ranger, keeping the forests of Borea safe from bandits and mutants alike, planting medicinal herbs along roads, and generally acting as a steward of the land. It is said that he can shoot a bird out of the sky without killing it, track anything that touches the ground, and can speak to animals, though it is unclear what about him is true and what is an exaggeration.
Journey: Here's where things get interesting. Your character has an agenda: what is it? Where are they going in life?
Ideals:
Holdings: Though Flint technically holds no lands or titles, his status as Archranger makes him the de facto king of Borea's forests, as well as the right to call a ranger's summit. Additionally, as the leader of the Rangers Guild, any and all rangers he meets on the road are sworn to protect and serve him, though he generally tries to avoid contact whenever possible.
Feel free to add on whatever else you want, and stylistically format as necessary.
Not quite done, but I think I've got the general vibe of "probably autistic woodsman" I was aiming for, and am ready for any critiquing.
I've still gotta flesh out what the rangers guild is, but think of it as a dual land upkeep/security job. The rangers are allowed to hunt and gather in the forest without being executed for poaching, and in turn they make sure wildfires are snuffed out, periodically clear the forests of any bandit encampments, kill wayward packs of mutants, etc.
The Ranger's Guild is an interesting concept. I could see it as something that survived the Years of Dusk surprisingly intact, though now operates rather differently than it once did. Perhaps now they are Robin Hood-esque vigilantes, operating "outside of the law" (more accurately, not bending to the whims and demands of the warlords that rule the "civilized" settlements in the Age of Dawn), but idolized by the common folk for their guile and services.
1x Like
TheWizardLizard
Member
Seen
4 yrs ago
@DeadBeatWalking It's probably worth thinking about the relationship of our characters. I doubt they'd be friends per se, as neither seems at all the type, but they almost certainly have met or know of each other, seeing as Flint is the de-facto ruler of the woods Emily is always running around in. I'm open to discussing it.
And I like the idea of keeping the crossbow and the gun - I'll make the change when I add her to the characters tab.
And I like the idea of keeping the crossbow and the gun - I'll make the change when I add her to the characters tab.
1x Like
Kingfisher Observing or participating?
Member
Seen
4 yrs ago
<Snipped quote by Dead Cruiser>
Great, looking forward to seeing your character and getting started!
@Kingfisher: Can our characters please fight? :)
@all: happy to work out possible history between my character and others.
The Over-Tyrant will be more than happy to crush the Iron Legion meet you on the field of battle.
Flagg Strange. This outcome I did not foresee.
Member
Seen
4 mos ago
Over-Tyrant is a fantastically silly title. I really enjoy it.
Kingfisher Observing or participating?
Member
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4 yrs ago
Over-Tyrant is a fantastically silly title. I really enjoy it.
Why thank you. Comes from my Warhammering days.
Flagg Strange. This outcome I did not foresee.
Member
Seen
4 mos ago
You're welcome! Also, your ridiculous band of brigands and their posturing queen will be crushed beneath our iron tread.
Kingfisher Observing or participating?
Member
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4 yrs ago
We will tear you apart like Lisa tore apart Tommy Wiseau
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