Hi. I am Kai Lasong. I live in China. So there are some things I am scared of. Lately these Mongolians have been attempting to invade our wonderful Song Dynasty, and it is worrying. I have been noticing an influx of rats over the wall. These Mongolians are very powerful. It appears they unified. Although our military has held them back, I have noticed a lot of sickness. For those wondering, I am a local chef, and I also helped construct that marvelous wall. I love my country, but now, I am scared of it.

Nestor Makhno sat in Ukraine and looked east. What he saw angered him. There wasn't enough liberty.

"Simon," he said, "Get my Tachanka."

And then the Ukrainians had horse-drawn machine gun chariots.

Hi, I am a dodo. I live on an island in the Indian Ocean. So there are some things I am scared of. Lately these Dutch sailors have been trying to settle our wonderful island, and it is worrying. I have been noticing an influx of rats and pigs eating my eggs. These Dutchmen are very hungry. It appears they have a taste for poultry. Although I run away from them, I have noticed a lot of my friends have been eaten. For those wondering, I am a small, flightless bird that evolved on an island without predators. I love my island, but now am scared of it.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little chef? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the horse archer academy, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on China, and I have over 300 confirmed women. I am trained in removing walls and I’m the top archer in the entire Mongol army. You are nothing to me but just another horsefeed. I will loot you the fuck out with arrows the likes of which has never been seen before on this land, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to the Khan? Think again, chef. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across China and your noodle takeaway is being traced right now so you better prepare for the invasion, maggot. The invasion that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your kitchen. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can cook your food in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in seducing horses, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Wall Climbing Cavalry and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable meals off the face of the continent, you little chef. If only you could have known what unholy historical reenactment your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you silly chef. I will shit your own food all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

youtube.com/watch?v=k5B6dytjdMU

And so, all central government in the world was quashed and all the land returned to peasant ownership.

/rp