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I'm posting because this is obviously something I'm currently dealing with and I don't know how to get through it. Really this post is kind of a desperate last grasp at trying to find some way to continue roleplaying on here because I do love this site and have really fond memories. My loss really isn't recent. My best friend, Orchestratic, and the person who introduced me to forum roleplaying, passed away 2 and half years ago this week but ever since his death I've found it near impossible to stay on here without dipping into bouts of depression. See other than him I didn't really have friends on here, my brother played but he has pretty much abandoned ship since we lost our friend. So now I'm pretty much alone on here and I don't have anyone to share the joys of roleplaying with.

See it didn't really matter if Orch and I were in the same game or not a lot of our enjoyment from roleplaying came from being able to talk about and discuss the characters and worlds we were playing in. We both kept up with each other's games and it was our conversations that breathed life into our characters and was a big drive in the roleplaying itself. Now even though he was a big part of forum roleplaying for me I did find enjoyment in the it separately from him and occasionally I can still tap into that. It's just my enjoyment from roleplaying comes and goes without much warning and when I'm not enjoying it this site is actually painful to be on. The thing is I don't want to lose this style of roleplaying, or this site but I don't know how to go about being on here when sometimes it literally causes me to breakdown and cry.

Anyway I'm only asking now because it's going on three years and I don't want to lose the guild, both because I really do enjoy it and because it's a very real connection to my deceased friend so if anyone has any advice or even their own stories to share I'd greatly appreciate it.

EDIT: for clarification going forward Orchestratic was my irl best friend, he just also happened to be my gateway into forum roleplay.

I would say give it time but speaking from experience time doesn't really make things easier, we just become more accustomed to it, and from the looks of things you have been through a mourning period. Best I can say is try to find a new friend to share with. Don't go into it hoping to find the same because truthfully you never will. Each Rp bond is different. One can never replace another. Yet we can find others that give us just as much joy, yet in different ways. Seek this but do not force it on others.

Attempt to connect with others but don't put the pressure on them as "I'm trying to latch on because of someone I have lost," it's an unfair expectation on a strangers shoulders. There are many wonderful people on this forum and astonishing groups you would be welcome in. Find one that you have something in common with. Whether that be an RP craving or general like. Or even just a the same level of dedication to the RP life as you.

Whatever you do, be patient and give yourself rules to follow. If you find you keep slipping into depression and walking away, try to set a limit on yourself. Either with being on X time a day no matter what, not being on more than X time a day no matter what, or a combination of both. If you know your triggers and your patterns you are already well on the road to figuring out plan that works for you. Sadly no one here will be able to do that, all we can do is give you advice from what we have been through but in the end, it is up to you to figure out what works for you. (Same with pretty much anything in life.)

You have my condolences. It is never easy to lose someone in life, not even in the RP life. Stay strong, keep moving forward, and don't get hung up in the past. It distracts from the now, and clouds the future.

@Lady Amalthea Thanks for the advice, placing limits on myself, forcing myself to be on here even when it hurts is something I haven't really tried. I have mainly been coming back whenever I felt strong enough to handle it, which only seemed to work for a couple months at a time before I inadvertently found myself once again spiraling and distancing myself from the Guild.

@RawrEspada4 I wouldn't say force yourself but try some limits and such. If you are spiraling out after a few months, then perhaps you are jumping into something too fast, getting overwhelmed and that is what is triggering the problems. Why not try a limit at first and build up from there, when you start feeling a cycle of depression start, try scaling back and see if that helps instead of cutting off fully. Moderation is key until you are better in control of the situation.

For the guild, no. My story relative to this was before coming to the guild, quite a while ago, when I was a part of a 10 player roleplaying group that lasted several years. Then the group died, one way or another, one by one. Eventually there was not a group left.

From there I picked up my lore, spliced it together and started wandering around. Found the guild, did stuff, expanded the lore. Basically, I found something new and carried on, because it's a hobby that I don't completely drop easily.

Your story sounds very similar to my own in that the one person who helped me really get into roleplaying actually died a few years back. He was a hobby writer and just generally creative but suffered from a few medical problems. Oddly enough it was actually a brain aneurysm that killed him, something that had little to do with his medical issues.

The difference between you and me is while we both had friends who were a part of our lives in writing, you've associated yours with the hobby directly while mine was in the aspects of association with similar interest. Because of this you've sort of created this conundrum where your act of writing reminds you of that person and that is something you may need to change over time. I'm sure they would not want you to stop, but you have to also realise that your skill is of your own and if you are forcing yourself to be here then it's something deep within you that has to change.

The unfortunate part about the world is that everything only has a limited lifespan, whether it's friends, communities, or even interest. It is what makes us want to pursue an interest, a person, or a group because we know there is a limited time in which we can do so. So when it ends... You sadly either have to reignite the fire, or move on.

Sorry if this does sound a bit grim and harsh but there's just not an easy way to convey the message. I offer my sympathies for your trouble but the solution I offer isn't gonna be a magical elixer.

@RawrEspada4 Oh I know exactly what you're going through. After I lost someone I couldn't roleplay or write for months, and it took me years to actually get over it because they were my favorite part of writing. You just need to remember that everything you've written, came from you. You need to remember that running away from your problems won't solve anything either. Moving on is something you get used to that starts with a choice, it's not one or the other. But I completely understand what you're going through. Heartbreak almost made me quit but you obviously keep coming back here so you're still interested. I usually follow a quote from my favorite author in this case:

If you can quit then quit. If you can't, you're a writer -R.A. Salvatore.

Can I also add...

The emotions that you feel are an asset for any Creator. You can write about them, convey your message with feeling and depth, and show people why your character feels so raw and hurt. In a way, never look at your emotions as a burden but an element of growth for you to teach and educate others. Many others go through similar scenarios and the stories you read of great triumphs often are connected to struggles and hardships of a writer.

One such example is J.K. Rowling who made an international seller but at her point in her life she was practically homeless with a baby. Her depression inspired creatures like Dementors, a key monster in the Harry Potter universe.

What makes these creatures special in Harry Potter was that many readers identified with that struggle, people chose animals to symbolize their own Patronus, and you had a generation of teens find something that they could enjoy, write about, play games about, and even share their common interest with others who they would call friends... all from one struggling person who wrote a novel in a coffee shop.

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