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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Dervish
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Dervish Let's get volatile

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@Xanadu Ardan's worked over and up to code! I made sure to go over the bits you felt needed a bit more explanation and expanded on them a bit more, including why he went the enlisted route rather than pursue a career as an officer, reasons why his marriage collapsed, his relationship with his family, and how he yeeted himself out of Council space.

For ease of access, here we are; roleplayerguild.com/posts/4899871
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Xanadu
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@Lauder@DJAtomika
Y'all have been added to the list! ^<^

Daily Update:
Sorry for the real lack of activity on my part today. My brain hates me sometimes and is like let's go to bed at 7 even though you need to be up at 9. And I've been busy with a bunch of other stuff so I really haven't had time to hop on until now. That being said, I currently feel if I look at a screen for too much longer, my eyes will melt and so I'm going to step away for a bit and maybe take a nap. If y'all need anything from me just shoot me a PM or tag me here and I'll address it after I sleep.

Judging from my current time line for reviews I should be able to get most of them out tomorrow and those that I can't I'll finish up on Friday. Cause I wanna try my best to get in as many of them I can before applications are due!

Anyway talk to y'all later!


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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Rtron
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Rtron

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@Lauder@DJAtomika
Y'all have been added to the list! ^<^

Daily Update:
Sorry for the real lack of activity on my part today. My brain hates me sometimes and is like let's go to bed at 7 even though you need to be up at 9. And I've been busy with a bunch of other stuff so I really haven't had time to hop on until now. That being said, I currently feel if I look at a screen for too much longer, my eyes will melt and so I'm going to step away for a bit and maybe take a nap. If y'all need anything from me just shoot me a PM or tag me here and I'll address it after I sleep.

Judging from my current time line for reviews I should be able to get most of them out tomorrow and those that I can't I'll finish up on Friday. Cause I wanna try my best to get in as many of them I can before applications are due!

Anyway talk to y'all later!



Do whatever you gotta do to take care of yourself! We super appreciate all the hard work you've done (especially since you only expected like a max of eight people.)
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by DJAtomika
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DJAtomika Second to Most

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Always IRL first!
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Mao Mao
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Mao Mao Sheriff of Pure Hearts (They/Them)

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Now, I am done with my character. I decided to add in two more vices that are positive to balance out the negative. If that's alright with you, @Xanadu.
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Heat
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Heat Hey, nice marmot

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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Antediluvixen
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Antediluvixen Kemonomimi Dystopia Creator

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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Legion X51
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Legion X51 Cap'n Fluff

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*snoops in lurk*
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Lauder
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Lauder The Tired One

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Wow, back to back finishing of characters. The odds are truly not that astounding but I wanted to point it out anyways.
Hidden 5 yrs ago 5 yrs ago Post by Xanadu
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Xanadu
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Alright! Here is Batch#1! Batch#2 is already in the oven and will be out as soon as I'm able to finish it up! Once again I would like to thank all of y'all for your patience and cooperation as I try to handle all these applications!



@Heat

In general this is another high quality sheet! My only real problem arises in the history of the Drayak's Fist. You make them seem like an outright terror, running circles around the likes of the Eclipse, Blood Pack, and Blue Suns. The justification is they are small and thus can be illusive but part of me doesn't buy it. The section just seemed a little too unbelievable y'know? Like for example in ME:2 once Garrus started causing problems for the merc, groups they formed a coalition to take him down. Like they aren't going to just sit around and let a small time mercenary group basically bully them like that. So like them not just surviving but thriving for six decades seems a little much for me.

My second issue also kind of groups into this. Why would they try and make beef with the mercs anyway. Like yeah mercenary companies are going to have issues with one another. But why did the brother's choose to actively antagonize them by going after their bases? I just don't see the reasoning there.

Beyond that though its a very strong concept overall and I think it just needs some ironing out. Because right now you make it look like Drayak's Fist was the biggest and baddest mercenary company in the galaxy for sixty years. Which probably wasn't your intention but still! ^-^


@Jarl Coolgruuf


Alright I'm not gonna sugar coat it here there are some problems. On first impression when I read the sheet basically all I was thinking was "Oh this is a Jack clone" which is never a good sign to start off with.

In my opinion, the major problem relating to this is the history section. In its current form it is very weak. It skips over entire sections of her life. Some of it directly conflicts with established lore and generally it just feels incomplete. Which is an unfortunate thing because you leave room for a bunch of hooks and ideas to expand upon and then you just don't. But currently it feels incomplete in way? I don't really know how Kaitlyn is, I don't know what makes her unique. And because the history section falls flat and I can't really connect with her my thought goes immediately to other edgy biotics which is why I'm like oh "Jack Clone" and the Haunt and Drive doesn't really help in that regard either.

Beyond that there are some other issues mostly in the equipment section.

My advice for you if you want to continue pursuing this character is to redo that History section. Like if you have time start from scratch and work from the ground up. Because right now the sheet is just isn't there yet.



@Monochromatic Rainbow


Alrighty! Once again this a pretty solid character but there are some hiccups.

Like the majority here most of those problems are of course in the history section.

The major problem is with the events surrounding the Blitz. As mentioned above, the Blitz wasn't like a year, it was a single battle. A battle that only lasted a handful of hours. So that whole section is going to need to be reworked and retrofitted because right now it just doesn't work.

Beyond that the rest of the sheet is pretty solid. I threw some more questions out there and some prompts that if you have time you could answer or add to the sheet. But it's very good so far!

Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Antediluvixen
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Antediluvixen Kemonomimi Dystopia Creator

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@Xanadu

Oh, huh

I was always under the impression it was a few days at least, not just a few hours. Whoops. I'll see what I can do, thank you!
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Jarl Coolgruuf
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Jarl Coolgruuf The Mellower

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@Xanadu Ouch but very fair I'm not great at writing edgy characters (although I think you got that impression already)

Honestly if she comes across like a Jack clone I might as well start from the ground up with the whole character. I'm off work tomorrow so I could probably slam something out between tonight and tomorrow morning.
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Xanadu
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@Monochromatic Rainbow
Yeah it's weird. They talk about it like it's a much bigger battle then it is but really it was pretty quick. It's not a you problem! It's a the game isn't really clear about it expect in like a few dialogues from the very beginning of ME-1 so not a lot of people remember them problem. lol

The ground teams had a much harder fight, but still managed to hold out for several hours. When reinforcements finally arrived, the enemy turned tail and fled in what vessels they had left.
That's a line from the ME wiki and when you talk to Presley about it in ME-1 he also describes it as a relatively short affair.

@Jarl Coolgruuf
Mhmm! I look forward to it and I wish you the best of luck!

Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by mickilennial
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mickilennial The Elder Fae

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So, it’s Friday morning and I’ve had a busy few days (when I wasn’t working on BROW) and it’s probably a smart idea for me to pull out of this one. I haven’t gotten to even pen a rough draft of my character’s backstory and I don’t want to ask for an extension. You seem to have more than enough interest and while a lot of my friends are here it’d probably be the wisest move to let people have their cake and read the RP. If an opening comes in later let me know and I’ll see where I’m at.

You guys have fun.
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Antediluvixen
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@Xanadu

Ooooooookay, edits have been made! Primarily to backstory, changes to L-2 section in skills, as well as a change to appearance to account for changes in backstory. Please let me know if it passes muster!
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Xanadu
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@Inkarnate That's completely understandably and thank you for keeping up with the communication throughout! I'll add you to the list of names in case we ever need a spot to be filled!

@Monochromatic Rainbow
Gotcha' I'll let y'know if I see anything amiss!

And finally here is Batch#2!!!!



@Rtron


This...This is a very good sheet! Like hot damn! It made me feel things! Honestly I had trouble finding things to pick apart from it! I have a few questions and comments peppered about but really you don't need to answer those. They are kinda just there to maybe help you think of things you didn't think of at the time or answer some questions that I still had after reading. Over all though you did a very good job! Much impressed!



@Lauder


Alright this a solid concept but as you can see I also ended up making a fair bit of comments! That really isn't an issue per say, it just means that I had a lot of comments or suggestions. The framework is there and now you just need to expand on it more. Because right now you have done a very good job at getting us from Point A to Point B, but now I want to see those extra flourishes added. Really focus in on characterization and highlighting moments that let us see Hann as a person. Because right now it feels very clinical and while giving us a pretty good idea of her history, I wanna know more about Hann as a person and how this history effected her beyond her being kind of a non-active party in events happening to her half the time. Did these events change her? Or did they make her resolve stronger? Was that her taking the initiative to learn how to shoot was that something forced upon her? I hope a lot of my questions can point you in the right direction. But don't worry because right now you have a very solid concept and starting point! Now you just gotta finish fleshing the product out!


@DJAtomika


I think you were being harder on yourself then needed! I really like Sully a lot as a character, he's a very familiar character but very different at the same time and I think that is really really cool. I think the sheet would benefit from you going in depth a little bit more about his life on Tunchka before he left for Omega. Things like his family life or maybe a story about the first thing he repaired on his own or something. Something to give us a little bit more info on those formative years and give us a better idea of where he is coming from.

Beyond that I have a few questions peppered throughout that I feel that maybe answering or at least thinking about will help you along!

Oh and one final thing just for me would be to maybe throw some dates or at least when he x years old blank happened in there. Just so I have a better idea of the time frame of events!

But overall very good job! ^<^
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Antediluvixen
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Antediluvixen Kemonomimi Dystopia Creator

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@Rtron

Fuck me, that's a good sheet. The feels.

But also - if we both make it in, once they get past the initial desire to murder each other - kitchen buddies.
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Mao Mao
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Mao Mao Sheriff of Pure Hearts (They/Them)

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@DJAtomika

I have a feeling that, if we both get accepted, our characters will become best friends that talk about engineering stuff.
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Plank Sinatra
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Plank Sinatra the reaper won't come when you're ready for him

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Yikes, I fucking hate campaign finance law. Yesterday took a lot out of me but my sheet will be up today. Everyone looks great!
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