The blurred streets of Orange County roared by on the way to the NA meeting.

The small, but faint buzz he had built up from his compulsive trip to the bathroom earlier was already gone, and in its place, fear.

It wasn’t the kind of fear that someone typically felt when going to one of these meetings. Or, at least, it wasn’t the type of fear Rob figured was felt. In reality, this was the first time he had ever gone to one.

It was more so the fear that he may need to start going to these.

The thought made him feel terrible.

’What’s wrong with going to these? J goes to these. Is something wrong with her? Are you better than her?’

The thoughts rattled around in a head he wanted so desperately to be present. He could feel Jane next to him--practically radiating. Out of the corner of his eye he could see her hand loosely grip the upholstery between them.

He very nearly took it. It was an old instinct--a muscle memory that hadn’t fully atrophied out with time. He wondered how often Jane knew the difference between when he took her hand to support or took it to be supported. Or if it really mattered, at this point.

Jane was moved on. It was a fact he wasn’t entirely convinced of, and in many ways, didn’t believe--but it was one he needed to accept. For her sake, as well as his.

He turned his head slightly further out the window; Jane’s hand disappearing out of his periphery.

--

The anxiety seemed to build until Jane first started speaking into the microphone.

The air in here was stuffy and warm. The rattling air conditioner above them seemed to lack the freon it needed. Instead, the room wafted in its own potent air.

But it all seemed to fade away when Jane started to speak.

At first, the story brought back memories Rob couldn’t help but look back on with happiness. All the times he and the others kicked around rocks and loitered in parking lots near 10th and Cherry, waiting for Jane to pop around the corner–booze in hand.

But it didn’t last.

The story turned--and Rob left it. Jane’s rock bottom and recovery had nothing to do with him. And not that he wanted an ounce of credit for Jane’s recovery, but he had to admit the thought of being absent stung a little bit.

Perhaps it's how she felt about Elle and Mae. About his own life, he forged together without her. The one that wasn’t exactly on solid ground.

She signaled for him, and he pushed the thoughts aside.

’God, he thought to himself, ’Way to make this about you, huh?’

Outside, the tension started to fade away. It was just Jane and Rob in a back alley splitting a pack. The way it had always been. Home base.

Rob slipped the pack from Jane, flicked one out and lit up with the same flame as her. This muscle memory he could actually use.

As Jane slipped his participation trophy in his hand, he couldn’t help but laugh. “I’ll cherish it forever,” came a wry response.

It was funny spending this much time with Jane. One moment she was growing, changing, becoming a different person altogether. The next, it was as if not a day went by since the last time they’d done this.

It was all at once comforting and scary.

“Yeah,” came an automatic response to her. He really did want to get the fuck out of here.

As they turned to make their way to the street corner, Rob’s hand gently pressed at the small of J’s back--as it always had when he steered her before. His nerves fired, and he quickly removed it.

Fuckin’ muscle memory.

--

Rob waited for Jared’s arrival in the living room with Sam. As a measure of half-assed moderation, he had made a new rule for himself.

At least attempt not to drink alone.

Plus, it didn’t help to speak to Sam more. He had always been the odd one out in the group. Rob, Jane, and Austin were more of the high school trio. Sam was the hired help, and that old dynamic still seemed to linger something near fifteen years later.

Also, you tend to feel guilty after punching someone in the face.

“This was South by Southwest, two years ago,” Sam continued. He was haunched over a bit on the couch, showing Rob some blurry concert footage. On stage, Rob could make out Sam’s usual energy smashing down on his strings. “Vicarious wanted a bigger sound, so I flew in for them. We opened for Pretty Reckless. Which was fucking weird, cause we sound nothing like them, but still.”

Rob tried not to note the usage of we too much and nodded. “You always loved their sound. Surprised they didn’t poach you back in the day.”

“Oh, they tried!”

“Really?”

“...fuck no,” Sam laughed. “We were bigger than them at the time. Even if they had asked, I had said no. Too much invested with you assholes.”

Rob half-heartedly pushed Sam aside. “Glad we’re good for a paycheck.”

“And a big one, too. Got a cash advance from Evan; it’s more than I make in a year.”

The two laughed over it. “Maybe you’ll get enough to move out somewhere.”

“Fuck that,” came Sam’s immediate response. “My world stretches from Torrence to Anaheim. I’m not you guys. But that isn’t to say I can’t get a better house.”

Rob smiled. Out of all of them, in his own way, Sam had seemingly found the most peace. Not that he was anywhere near tortured in the In Bloom days.

The doorbell rang immediately after, and Rob’s smile faded as he went to the door.

He tried not to look too closely at Jane as Jared stepped inside. A pang of jealousy sprouted almost immediately, but he shoved it down.

Not here. Not now.

He smiled, he waved, and as Jared turned to leave, Rob was almost in the clear when--

”My sister’s coming next week.”

His eyes looked down to the post-it note on the counter, and back up to meet Jane’s eyes.

The only thing he could make out was a wide-eyed surprise, before the door slammed shut between them.

Several seconds passed with the three guys in the foyer. No one said a word.

It was so quiet you could hear Austin’s wristwatch click.

But finally, Sam broke.

“So are you and J gonna implode the band again, or--?”

“Sam,” Austin cut in. “Please... shut the fuck up.”

Rob slipped upstairs to his room before another word was said--note in tow.

--

Thirty minutes later, Rob was still slumped over at the foot of his bed. Adrianna’s number had been logged into his phone and the text message was all typed out. Unsent. Sitting on a dying phone.

Did Jared know about Adrianna? Did J?

Because they had a much longer history than a one-night stand during the In Bloom days.

For lack of a better word, Rob and Adrianna were fuck buddies. He wasn’t a fan of the term, but it was the truth.

It started about six months after breaking up with J and shortly before meeting Mae. The two had bumped into each other at a house party way out in Chino Hills. He could hardly explain how it started, but the night ended in San Bernardino, and five hundred dollars in cash was gone.

They saw each other weekly after that, but it didn’t last long. Rob met Mae, and the rest was history.

The next time he saw her was after taking care of some business back in Long Beach. He and Mae had flown in separately to clear out a final storage unit of shit as a sort of final couple’s trip before Mae fucked off to Montreal with some new boyfriend.

This time, Rob called Adrianna directly. He even drove all the way to Pheonix. That little getaway cost something like seven thousand dollars by the end of the week.

It was a pretty easy arrangement for both of them. They both were into each other for a singular, physical reason, and Rob had the disposable income (and let’s face it, wealth at a certain point) to organize a few trysts for them.

But, like all things, it fizzled out. Flying hundreds of miles to get laid stopped being appealing by your mid-thirties. Plus, she stopped responding to texts. Rob had always figured she was done with him, but tonight proved to him she just changed her number. In a way, she was the worst possible person to enter into his life at this moment.

But why shouldn’t he message her?

Jane was out with Jared. She was out there moving on. Why couldn’t he?

Just then, his phone buzzed. Austin.

All it said were three little words:

Maybe not her.

Maybe that was a good happy medium. But it wasn’t helping in the here and now.

Because Rob would give up just about anything to get Jared and Jane off his mind.

--

About twenty minutes later, Rob rushed back downstairs to the living room. Sam and Austin were sitting quietly, as expected. Both were on their phones. Quiet.

“So, we’ve got about fifteen minutes,” Rob started.

That certainly got their attention.

“Are you heading out?” Austin asked first. Rob could see the quiet terror in his eyes.

“Yeah. Ya’ll too. Get ready.”

“Dude,” Sam started, “I am not going out--”

“Look, it’s been years since we’ve all been together. And I hung out with Jane today, and I’ve been neglecting you guys. So I got us an Uber, I got us a spot to go, so let’s go. It’s Friday, for fuck’s sake.”

“You didn’t ‘hang out with Jane,’ you took her to a AA meeting,” came Austin’s short reply. He was going to be a harder sell, but Sam was already on Rob’s side.

“Same difference,” Rob said. “Don’t turn me down, I know a good spot in Newport Beach, I reserved a nice booth, and it’s on me.”

“Fifteen, right?” Sam replied. He was already halfway up the stairs.

“Twelve!”

“Rob, do you really think this is a good idea?” Austin asked. “Look, I know it’s probably not a good night for you to be alone--”

“So I won’t be alone, what’s the problem?”

Austin took a deep breath. “You’re using us for a distraction.”

“And you’re using me for my MAE residuals, it’s a fair trade. You wouldn’t feel bad if you saw what they send me in a month--”

“It’s not about the money, Rob.”

A moment of silence sat between them. Upstairs, they both could hear Sam aggressively putting on shoes.

“...but,” Austin continued, “If you’re getting us bottle service...”

Rob helped Austin out of his chair and practically pushed him upstairs to his room. “You’re gonna like this place, it’s classy.” He continued to pitch even after Austin’s door closed. “Just a few hours and a few drinks, that’s all I want! It’ll be fun!”

--



Sometime around 11:00PM, things had started to get a little sloppy.

Rob did own up to his word and get bottle service for the three of them--but it didn’t stay the three of them for long.

People seemed to ebb and flow from the large, round corner booth hidden away in the back of the bar. Word got around quickly that hometown heroes In Bloom were in town (and getting shots for people who stopped by to chat), so the otherwise-quiet bar had grown a bit louder and eventually a bouncer was placed at the front to keep things reasonable.

Rob had expected as much--and in fact, he had picked this place for this exact reason. The owner--a nice, wiry guy named Arthur--was good friends with Mae and Rob and often helped out whenever Mae wanted a public drink that wouldn’t turn into a circus. Rob called in a favor, and the result was a nice, public space that just so happened to form a line eight blocks down due to their presence.

“--no! Seriously let me--let me--I’ll tell you this--seriously--Rob, back up me up this!” Sam fumbled through his words over Billie Eilish playing in the background.

Sam had been taking full advantage of the bottle service and was mid-conversation with a few women that had joined the booth on his side. Rob couldn’t tell if they were enjoying this or humoring him, but it was probably the latter.

“It was Vienna. We were driving every fuckin’ day. J and Rob are making off like rabbits, so I head into this bar--no I’m serious! So I go into this bar...”

Sam droned on, but Rob quickly tuned him out. He was sat opposite Sam and the women, on the outer edge of the booth, looking over to Austin beside him.

Austin could only laugh.

“What are the odds this story happened?” Rob asked.

“None whatsoever,” Austin replied. “Sam left his cum rags on the floor by my bunk that whole fucking tour. I got laid more than him.”

“No shit! Who?”

Austin shrugged. “Lyla, once.”

“No fucking way.”

“It wasn’t a big deal!” Austin threw his hands up. “It was a quick thing, only happened once. All parties involved didn’t need a repeat.”

Rob couldn’t stop staring and laughing.

“Jesus, you think you three are the only ones with libidos?” Austin laughed.

Lyla or not, it was good to see Austin lightening up for once. All too often, he had been the liaison--the moderator. It was easy to see this might not last forever if Austin got pushed too far.

“I’m gonna take a leak, yeah?” Rob said, and slipped out of the booth. He felt a few people slap his back as he went, but half-walked-half-stumbled to the bathroom without another word.

He opened the bathroom door to find a single toilet, sink, and background music blasting over the intercom at a fever pitch.

’Alright,’ he thought to himself. ’Finish the bottle, then take everyone home. Real easy.’

He was feeling good, at this point. Drunk--but coherent. It had been three hours of fun, stories, and selfies with fans. Time to wrap it up and go home.

He relieved himself, washed his hands, and turned the handle–

The door swung upon violently as the woman leaned on the opposite side tumbled into the bathroom and nearly fell onto Rob.

Rob fumbled back, half-catching her. She stood to her feet and swung a leg back to the door, kicking it shut.

“Jesus, real smooth of me, huh?” She laughed.

Rob took a step back to see who had barged in. She looked mid-to-late 20s. Dark hair, a face he couldn’t place, black A-line dress and strappy heels. But eyes he recognized from across the room.

“You good?” Rob replied.

“Yes, thanks!” She almost laughed out. “You really caught me, huh?”

Even this far in, Rob knew what was happening. He moved to the bathroom door, and locked it shut.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

The woman turned and leaned up against the sink. She balanced on one heel and lifted the other slightly. “My friends call me Liz.”

Rob nodded. “You don’t have to be coy, Liz.”

“I wasn’t trying to be,” she replied without hesitating.

She pushed off the sink and closed their gap.

--

Five minutes later, Rob pulled himself from Liz and ran a hand through his hair.

“What’s wrong?” She asked.

“Nothing at all,” he replied honestly. He glanced down at his phone. 11:58PM. “I’ve got just to get heading back is all.”

“More songs to write?”

“Something like that,” Rob replied. He took a minute to straighten himself in the mirror, then helped Liz get her shoes back on.

In reality, as fun as this had been, bathroom sex wasn’t on the list of things Rob wanted to get up to. His heart just wasn’t in it.

Every step closer to something intimate felt like a step away from Jane. He hated the feeling. He just wasn’t ready.

Or sober enough.

“Can I give you my number?” Liz countered as Rob headed for the door. “I’m here most weekends. Just give me a head’s up, yeah?”

“Sure thing,” he replied as earnestly as he could muster. He took her number, and Rob opened and shut the door behind him soon thereafter.

He quickly rushed back to the booth, and signaled for Sam and Austin to wrap it up.

“I’m closing out the tab,” he told them. “Let’s get back in time to get some work done in the afternoon at least.”

--

By the time the Uber returned to their place, Rob’s mind wouldn’t stop racing.

I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Jane is having a good time. Why can’t I?

I was over this. I was over this for ten fucking years, why is it such a big deal?

Liz wanted to. Why didn’t I?

After paying the driver, Rob retreated upstairs to his room, and made his way to the kitchen sink cabinet.

He utilized his own bottle service and opened his phone. He found his pre-typed message to Adrianna, and without hesitating, he sent it.

At this point, minutes blurred together. He wasn’t sure how long it had been. All he was sure of was if he laid down, he might puke.

And then, a knock came at the front door.

He rushed to the front only to find Jared standing there with Austin and Rob.

“The fuck happened?” he blurted out, but everyone seemed content with ignoring him.

Austin’s hands wrapped tightly around a phone. He was talking to someone.

”J’s in the hospital.”

The words stung deep into him. At this point, he was a mess of mania and self-flagellation.

Within another moment, both Austin and Jared were out the front door.

Jane didn’t want them to come.

“Fuck, man,” Sam muttered as the two of them stood alone in the foyer. “You think she’s okay?”

“Aust’s got her,” Rob replied. “I’m going to bed. You good?”

Sam gave a meek thumbs up. Good enough for Rob.

He ran upstairs, had a bit more, and laid down.

The sooner the night ended, the better. But before he could pass out, he saw a small light emanate from his phone in the dark room.

A reply from Adrianna.

He picked it up, read the message, and before responding, slipped the phone back into his pocket.

It could wait till tomorrow. It all could.

Jane was better off with Austin. Or Jared. Or anyone else, really.

So why wasn’t he better off without Jane?

[[DUE TO A HORRENDOUS, UNFORESEEN EVENT, A VERY DETAILED AND LENGTHY POST I WORKED ON FOR 2.7 WEEKS GOT DELETED - the post will be summarized below]]

- Jane’s date with Jared started off very sweet. He found an Indian cafe to get her favorite tea, they rode around on their long boards, and would be heading to dinner shortly at the restaurant they would frequent together when Jared was in town.
- They stopped at his airbnb for them to cool off and freshen up before dinner, but Jane and Jared began to kiss, and she stopped things from going further and reiterated that she promised herself to only go there again with someone if she was in a committed relationship.
- Jared explained that they’d been “basically dating” for the past 15 years. When Jane pointed out that they hadn’t seen each other in 5 years and that being his girlfriend only in this area code didn’t equate to the relationship she wanted, Jared argued that she ran away from everyone and all her problems when she moved up north and dropped off the grid.
- After they continue back and forth, Jane said she needed to leave when she felt anxiety coming on - realizing that she felt like as the argument continued that she was projecting about her feelings for Rob - she went to grab her belongings, but before she could go, Jared held the end of her board, asking her to rethink her need for commitment, and to remember all the good times they’d had in the past.
- As soon as his grip loosened, Jane bolted down the hall and stairwell and immediately began to skate down the strip. If she came home too early, the guys would know something was wrong [or worse, she’d go running to Rob], but if she stayed downtown by herself, she worried she would have wound up at a bar. Jane also blocked Jared’s number after the second time he called. She’d been practicing riding the longboard again at the house and figured she was back to her skill level from her twenties.
- A car opened their door in the road, and Jane - with tears in her eyes and not paying enough attention - clipped it and caught air before tumbling in the road. Her only memories of the incident itself were her laying in the road as traffic honked around her. Witnesses provided details.
- Austin came to pick her up from the hospital. Jane is was pain medication, and Austin was put in charge of dispensing them to her appropriately with no contest from her.
- With a large lump on her head, a scrape on her cheek and gash on her brow bone, and a sprained ankle, Austin helped her into bed and propped her crutches up next to bed.
- During the middle of the night in a haze, Jane stumbled to the kitchen for water and back to bed.
- In the morning, Jane thought she was having a dream in bed with Rob, which wasn’t too unusual for her. She turned in and cuddled him, he embraced her in his sleep, but it only took a few seconds to realize it wasn’t a dream at all and that she must have gone into Robs room by mistake.
- As she sneaked out of the room, Austin was leaving his across the hall, and his jaw dropped. Jane motioned to him, begging him to stay silent and help her back to her bed. Once in her room, Jane explained that she didn’t know how she got there and that she just must have been too hazy from the medication to remember. Austin, not fully believing her, explained that due to her accident, a radio interview with the entire band and Jane’s solo interview on a podcast was rescheduled for the next week instead. There was no recollection of the interviews scheduled, and upon Austin catching on, he berated Jane for putting the band last in her priorities since they got there.
- Jane, realizing that he was right, nodded and told him that she would focus on just the band, instead of her normal defense mechanisms. After Austin left the room (and some tears), Jane decided that she needed to put all her messy feelings aside and do what she came there to do. She received a second chance, and she wasn’t going to let it go to waste.
- Embarrassed of the possibility of Rob knowing she was in his bed, Jane decided she’d stay holed away in her room resting until it was time for them to write around 5:00 later that day.

Rob fell into and out of sleep tonight–which was a bit unusual for him, given how often he slept drunk.

His mind kept replaying the night before. The panic in J’s eyes as she stepped outside with Jared. The reply from Adrianna on a bright screen, in a dark room. Liz’s surprised eyes when he pulled her hand from his pants.

Nothing was right. Jane had left him for someone else.

And why not? Why was that no longer okay?

Rob slept soundly the years after the breakup. All of the photos of all of the night spent high on the town. The Jane’s Addiction years as the press called it. He was never bothered by the thought of Jane with someone else.

But all of a sudden, it bothered him now. Was it being back in In Bloom, or was it just being back in her presence.

He wasn’t sure, but for the fifth time that night, he tried to shake it off and close his eyes to sleep.

It wouldn’t be another five minutes before he heard the door creak open, then shut again. In the darkness, soft footsteps pattered across the floor towards him.

It was Jane. He didn’t even need to turn around or get up to look. He knew those footsteps. He knew the way she snuck back in bed to join him, even after all these years.

His heart beat sharply in his chest. Any lingering drunkenness was struck down by sobering clarity.

The fuck was she doing?

He completely froze as he felt her pull back his covers. The momentary cool air of the room struck him before he felt her warmth against his turned back. Her bare heel slid down his calf and looped a foot around his.

He heard her nuzzle into the empty space on the bed and breathe out.

She was back? How long had she been back? Was it morning yet? Why hadn’t I heard it? I’ve been barely sleeping for hours, and I didn’t hear her come back? Where’s Jared?

The questions buzzed around in his head, but still he remained frozen.

It was only after a minute did he realize he was frozen because–whatever was happening–he wasn’t interested in it ending.

He waited patiently in the quiet room instead, calming his heart, waiting for the soft snore that came from J whenever she first entered sleep.

And when he heard it, he turned around.

He slipped an arm just underneath her turned head and held her close to him. Whether consciously or not, she backed into the embrace. His fingers intertwined with hers across her chest. And two pieces formed a whole they had not held in nearly a decade.

Rob found it much easier to fall asleep after that.

***

When he woke up, the bed was empty—her space cold.

It was as if he had blinked and missed the moment, but there was little evidence that the event had ever taken place.

Rob sat up and rubbed his eyes. He rose, perhaps, a bit too quickly, given his stomach’s protests. He bolted for the bathroom and spilled the night before into the toilet.

When he returned back to his bed, he realized it couldn’t have been a dream.

Her smell–however faint–filled the pillow she had once lay on.

He knew it happened.

So now what?

***

A few hours passed, and Rob surprisingly had no appetite for his sin. Instead, he had spent the morning quietly getting high by the pool, and devoured the eggs and spam he dug out of the kitchen.

“How’d you sleep?”

Rob turned to see Austin slipping into the counter-side chair. He wore some sort of lime-green robe and looked like hell.

“Better than you, I’d guess,” Rob shot back. He pointed to his pan of haphazard breakfast. “Want some?”

“I’ll stick with the donuts I ordered, thanks,” he replied. “Should be here in a minute.”

Rob shrugged, tossing the pan full of contents onto a plate, and took his place next to Austin.

“You got another?” Austin asked.

Rob laughed; pulling a joint from a pocket and passing it to Austin. “You never ask. That bad?”

“Oh, I’m fine,” Austin almost snorted out. “Stressed as fuck, but fine.”

“How’d last night go?”

“I could ask you the same.”

Rob turned to see what Austin had meant about that, but he seemed to quickly continue on as if he hadn’t made the comment.

“Just a rough night. Jane’s fine, she was just embarrassed about falling off her board. She’s gonna take it easy, so I dunno if she’s joining practice today.”

“Oh, fuck,” Rob replied. “You sure she’s good? I can get her some breakfast—”

“She’s good, Rob.”

Rob shrugged; he wasn’t interested in Austin taking him down from the relative peace he felt from a good night’s sleep and a morning’s smoke.

“Sorry–“ Austin continued. “I’m just–we pushed back some interviews. Kind of annoyed at the moment.”

Austin lit up and turned to face Rob directly for the first time this morning.

“Can I ask you something?”

Rob chortled. “Yeah–fuck–your mom die?”

“Four years ago, that’s not the point.”

This wasn’t the Austin that Rob knew. Something happened. Something serious. But he wasn’t sure what.

Austin continued. “You want In Bloom to be a thing, right? Like–you’re here for the band?”

Rob was taken aback by the question. What did Austin know?

“Yeah, of course,” he started. “I mean–it’s no secret I’m not broke. And, I’d be back with Elle in a heartbeat, you know that… so yeah. I’m putting up a lot to be here. I want to be here.”

“…for the band?”

“Yeah,” Rob replied. “I missed it.”

Austin looked like he wanted to say something, but the doorbell rang.

“That’s me,” he said, getting up without another word. “See you at practice, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Rob said. He shook his head and started to finally eat his breakfast.

***

Rob spent most of the afternoon buried in the basement working out some basic rudiments.

After the joint wore off, he wanted to stay sober. Whether that was for Austin or for being as aware as possible to ask Jane what the fuck happened that night, he wasn’t sure.

But something in him lit up last light.

He talked about it briefly with Elle and Mae when he had their daily FaceTime call around lunch.

“I’m serious,” he told them, “I really think this is going to be the best album we’ve done.”

“I’m so excited for you,” Mae had responded in her usual, dulcet tone. The longer they were divorced, the less he could tell when she was joking or not. “I’ll have to send you some demos soon, we oughta trade them.”

From what she implied, Mae was a few months out from promoting whatever new MAE material was coming out, so that was good news he shared with Evan as soon as he could.

Afterwards, he spent a lot of time warming up to be ready for 5:00PM practice. His playing today felt sharper, more aggressive than it had been before–but cleaner.

He had worked around Jane’s Everything for the last song, but this time, he was trying out something on his own. An idea that jammed into his head–something that was a bit more mind-numbing. Something to swarm to.

As he worked it out, Sam came downstairs around 3:00PM. Intead of saying a word, he watched Rob from the sound room for a few minutes. He turned, produced his fretless guitar, hit the record button, and slipped into the room.

After plugging in, Sam turned to Rob for a cue.

It was like they had been building up to a song that was already written. Sam jumped in right on cue, and it sounded as chaotic and as frantic as Rob’s playing. It reminded him of a Dead Poets Society track.

They jammed on it for a good ten minutes before building to a crescendo. Finally, the two faded out, and Sam ran back to the sound room to save it.

“Good shit, Pennie!” he exclaimed when he ran back into the room. Rob could only laugh–his good moments were few and far between with Sam, but he was enjoying this. At least, as best he could until Jane made an appearance.

What happened after that, he wasn’t sure.

He and Sam jammed on a few old Blue October tracks until Austin tricked downstairs–surprisingly in more dour spirits than Sam for once. Still, he hopped on the track until they had all finished warming up, and five o’clock struck.

“Let me see how she’s doing,” Austin said softly after the song faded out, and disappeared upstairs.

Sam looked to Rob after he left.

“What’s with him?”

Rob shrugged in response.

But whatever it was, he was certainly nervous.

What did Austin know?

It was the thought that reverberated in his head as he felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

He flipped it open to see a second text from Adrianna—one in response to his silence from the first:

Adrianna: I’ll be at the usual spot tonight. Don’t be shy, come on out… unless you and J are back on the menu??

Rob almost threw the phone down next to his seat.

He had enjoyed the past few hours. If he could enjoy just a few minutes more without worrying, he’d appreciate it.

For the first time all day, he really wanted a drink.

A muffled pounding on the door caused Jane to stir under the mountain of blankets she was in, and she blurted out a ‘come in’ before fully becoming lucid. As expected, Austin sat at the end of her bed, his face still a bit twisted since the last they spoke.

“Jared keeps calling the landline. Think you could talk to him?” He refused to meet her eyes and it caused a deep pang in Jane’s chest.

“Oh, yeah sorry,” she mumbled, rubbing her face. “I’ll call him in a few.”

“Thanks, and look, J, I’m -“

“Save it. You were right….are right, whatever.”

Austin breathed a sigh of relief, finally looking at her. “Thanks for growing up.”

Jane rolled her eyes, threw a pillow at him, and before she knew, they were chuckling together as he left. “Writing in an hour if you’re up for it.”

“I’ll be there,” she replied sternly. “I just don’t know how useful I’ll be with these pills they have me on.”

“Eh, I think it’ll be fine.”

The door clicked shut, and Jane’s fingers worked feverishly on her phone until Jared was unblocked and the line was trilling. Her nails subconsciously made their way to her mouth, but she stopped herself, shaking her head at the habit she thought she quit. Anxiety vibrated through her.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me,” she sighed. “I uh, blocked you when I left.”

Jared was silent for a few moments until responding. “They said you were okay, but I needed to hear your voice.”

“Yeah, I’m okay,” she laughed nervously. “Just embarrassed.”

“I’m so sorry for pressuring you, I just wanted things to be the way they were.” Remorse was obviously in his voice, and Jane found it harder and harder to stay mad.

“It’s okay. I just, I realized I’m not as ready for things as I thought…and, and…” Tears started coming, and she knew she wasn’t doing a great job at hiding it.

“Oh, babe I’m so sorry. Look, why don’t we go out with Rob and A? Let me just take you out on a date, you don’t even have to touch me. We can-“

“Jared?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m not ready for that either.”

Jared sighed. “Okay, okay….are we good at least?”

If she was honest, Jane would say no. She’d tell him spending a night and waking up in her ex-boyfriend’s bed made her realize that her heart still hasn’t let go and that it’s possible she never would. But, being honest with herself was a start.

“Yes,” Jane responded through a forced smile. “We’re good. I’ll uh, I’ll text you soon yeah?”

“Alright, babe. Speak soon.”



After a quick waft of mascara and a shower, Jane ventured down to the basement where Rob was. And none of the others yet. Fuck.

She stayed as near to the walls as possible until eventually sitting across from Rob, her face on fire with embarrassment. She’d prepared an apology, explaining she was on medication and that going into his room, no matter how lovely it was, was just a mistake.

But when she met his eyes, per usual, she crumbled.

“Hi,” she greeted him meekly. She felt her smile growing too wide, so she started flipping through her notebook until she could breath again. “I, uh. I wanted to say sorry to you, I mean all of you, I -“

Breathe, Jane.

“I’ve been…distracted. But, I-I just wanted to tell you guys that I’m focused and ready to get In Bloom back on track. And I’m sorry if I’ve been weird, it’s just a lot.”

See, not so hard.

Austin and Sam’s footsteps thundered down the stairs, breaking the momentary silence, and Jane offered a small smile to Rob then looked to Austin. Sam’s distaste for her would be another project for another day.

“Ready to make some music?”

Don’t be shy... come on out!

Adrianna’s text burned into Rob’s eyes like an afterimage. His nascent peace seemed to be at a fast end.

At the present moment, what sounded nice was an evening of rehearsal, followed by a night of bleary lights and fast drinks–maybe fucking–with Adrianna. It was a simple night, and one he had enjoyed all-too-often in the past.

That’s what sounded nice. But it isn’t what he wanted.

What he wanted was slipping down the stairs. As if on cue, Sam slipped upstairs, muttering something about needing a drink.

Within a moment, it was just him and J.

”Hi.”

Her meek smile met his, and he smiled back.

It was a simple thing, really. But no matter how many years passed, there was a quiet comfort when it was just the two of them. The concept of home hadn’t applied to him in a long time–he moved from place to place the moment his yearly lease ended–but Jane was home.

Still, his smile faded a bit as she apologized. Called herself wierd. Clearly wanted to blow off last night.

Rob didn’t hide his disappointment on his face. He used to be so stoic, so calm. And he still was, when he wanted to be.

The thing was, he didn’t particularly want to be right now.

It didn’t take much to put two-and-two together. From Austin’s attitude to this apology. He knew what had happened, and he was trying to smother it in the crib.

But there wasn’t much Austin could do to stop this. This had been going on for a decade, and Rob had his doubts about whether this would be the end of it now.

It was kind of funny, really. He had spent the better part of this week and rather, the entirety of their time in Orange County denying the fact that he wanted Jane. But in this moment, right now?

He wasn’t going to hide how he felt.

He wanted the band to work, sure. He wanted it more with each day–each song they wrote.

But he wanted Jane. Whether or not she wanted him in this moment, or in any way, didn’t really matter. None of it did. Not the fights, not the ODs, not leaving in the night heartbroken.

He’d have to find the right time, sure. Not now, not during rehearsal. And he still had little idea about how she’d react, or if she would, or anything like that.

But it was nice to have a little bit of clarity, even if it was internal.

”Ready to make some music?”

Rob nodded. “Let’s do it.”

***

Three hours passed in a moment, and it seemed–at least to Rob–like the most productive three hours they had so far.

Three songs, including the track he and Sam banged out, were put to tape and sent to Evan that night. At this point, they had more than enough material to play with for an LP. Evan even made a passing comment over text to Rob that a double-LP should be considered, but still, there was a long way to go.

‘Everything’ was pretty much the only song completely locked down. Three of four tracks still needed hard lyrics. About half the songs Rob wasn’t set on for his part, and knowing Sam, he wasn’t happy with a single cord yet.

But it was more than a start, it was significant progress. The next step towards finishing their work here.

Which brought up a good question: what the hell happened after they finished this album?

Breaking out from behind the kit, Rob emerged sweaty and panting from the final track recording of the night. He essentially inhaled a Gatorade in the time it took to walk from the drumset to the recording booth where the others waited.

“Good?” He gasped out to Sam. Sam nodded subtly–his eyes locked on the waveforms on the DAW.

Typically, that meant more than good to him.

“Cool.”

Rob snagged a towel from his bag and looked to the others.

“Hell of a session guys, I think we gave Sam more than enough to fuck around with tonight.”

“Yeah... I’m gonna UberEats some dinner,” Sam said–eyes still glued to the monitor. “I’m not getting up for a while.”

Rob turned and made deliberate eye contact with Jane. “I think I’m gonna go for a swim upstairs if anyone is interested.”

“I might take you up on that,” Austin replied.

Rob turned to see Austin’s less-than-pleased face. He had read Rob like a book–not that Rob had been trying to be subtle.

“Cool cool, see you upstairs, yeah?”

Rob turned on his heel and went to his room for his swimsuit.

As he ascended, he checked his phone. A single missed call from Adrianna. No text messages.

That’d have to do, for now.

He changed quickly into his black trunks and was making his way to the sliding door before his phone buzzed.

This time, from Austin.

What are you doing?

Rob rolled his eyes, and typed out a quick–

Swimming?

–before putting the phone on the counter and heading outside.

Standing at the edge of the pool, he thought about Austin.

Their relationship was more than cordial–they were friends. Good friends. But the longer things went on, he had a feeling that they’d be tested a little bit.

But then again–they all would. The album was going to be done before they knew it. Evan would want a tour, immediately. There was a good chance it would do well. Success was very much possible.

Rob looked to the water, took a deep breath, and jumped.

No regrets, no games. Not this time. Not if he could help it.

“Why don’t you have your suit on?” Jane asked as she hobbled up to Austin’s door. He had just pulled a black tee on and was now sliding on his shoes.

“Old friend wants to meet for drinks, he’s buying,” he smiled.

“Oh…” Jane responded, realizing it’d just be her and Rob tonight. She felt the hot flash of panic take over her. “Do you think-“

“You’re beet red, J,” he blurted before cracking up.

“Well, I don’t know, you just told me to steer clear of Rob and my feelings, and now-“

“And now you’re going swimming?”

When put like that, it sounded pretty stupid. “Swimming.” Just swimming.

“I think you can handle it. Hell, maybe it’d be good for you two to have some alone time… learn how to be next to each other without being so awkward.”

“It’s not that bad,” Jane rolled her eyes. But in reality, all Jane wanted was for them to be friends again. For her to not want to crumple any time it was just the two of them in a room.

“Oh, it is,” Austin walked out of the room and beckoned her to follow. “Maybe next we can work on you and Sam.”

“That’ll take more than a dip in the pool, I think.”

Austin slid open the back door so that Jane could exit with her crutches, but before closing it, he whispered a quick “don’t do anything stupid.”

Jane, unsure of what she was doing at all, nodded, then turned her attention to Rob who was swimming in the pool 20 feet away. In her hands along with her crutches, she had a ACE bandage to reapply to her foot once she was done, and her phone, which she attached to the aux cord that played a Mars Volta song over the outdoor speaker. But not even the song drowned out her heart thumping in her ears as she approached the edge, setting her crutches down behind her and hopping down to the second step. The saltwater pool was heated, and Jane closed her eyes as the warmth of engulfed her.

“I have an interview tomorrow morning, so no partying hard tonight,” she joked as Rob swam towards her. Her nerves were settling, why was she even nervous to begin with?

“I, uh, I thought you were going out with Adrianna and then tonight,” she stated, even though it sounded like more of a question.

Their eyes met, and as always, Jane felt herself melt. Rob, both a stranger and the best friend she never replaced. All these years and she just wanted to hug him. To apologize another thousand times for all of the bullshit she put the both of them through. But for now, she lowered herself another step until just her shoulders and head were out of the water.

FOUR YEARS AGO

Rob’s stood a hair’s breadth from the floor-to-ceiling windows that lined all three sides of the rented penthouse suite.

Looking down at the Las Vegas skyline, he could make out little more than bleary lights, glares, and the tiny movement of cars below.

“You’ll get arrested for that, you know?”

The voice came from behind him. He turned to see Adrianna on the bed--her back on the headboard of the bed, glaring at him from behind a crossed foot.

“For looking at Vegas?”

“For looking at Vegas naked, Rob.”

Rob looked down at himself. He had completely forgotten that in fact, both of them were naked.

How long had it been since they had f–

“Come over, idiot.”

Adrianna snapped him out of it. In between anything-but-sober sex, she had a strange mean streak–as if she was imitating playful snark but forgot the playful part of it.

Still, obliging, Rob returned to her in the bed and lay with his head on her belly. She cradled it, and the two continued:

“Always lost in that big, dumb head of yours, huh?”

It was a funny enough statement from her, because at the present moment, there was essentially nothing in Rob’s head. Just a cloudy mix of vague memories and pleasure.

“What?” he replied, “Like you never think?”

“What’s there to think about?” came a short reply. “None of this is rocket science, and frankly, it’s a bit of a turn-off. You’re probably thinking about her again, aren’t you?”

“Oh, really?” Rob shot back. He wasn’t interested in taking that one lying down. He moved up from her belly and slipped himself underneath a leg. “You think I’m thinking about Jane, huh?”

“Oh, we can say her name, now?” Adrianna tried to counter, but her shaky breath gave her away. She knew what game Rob was starting. “I thought it was off-limits.”

“I haven’t thought about her in years,” Rob replied. He placed one hand on either of her knees and positioned himself between them. “It’s Mae I’m thinking of when we fuck.”

“Oh, silly me,” Adrianna replied. Rob could feel every muscle tense up beneath his fingers. “I should’ve known that’s all this was.”

Rob lowered his head towards her as he spoke–never breaking eye contact as his hands slid upward. “How about I think about who I want, and you think about who you want, yeah?”

“Please, shut the fuck up,” Adrianna finally broke. Rob felt a hand grasp the back of his head and push down, hard.



The world rushed back to Rob as he broke the surface tension and gasped for air.

His head spun on a swivel, scouring every inch of the rental’s backyard.

No one was out here. Not yet.

Why was he thinking about that?

He pushed himself from the pool and snagged his flask by his shirt and phone. He took several long swigs as he plopped down on the pool chair and opened his phone.

One missed call, and one message. Both from Mae.

Just calling to say hi. We won’t be able to make the Elle FaceTime appointment tomorrow. Mastering a few tracks. Does the day after work?

Rob rolled his eyes, and tapped out a fast response. It works. Happy to hear you’re mastering tracks. Let’s not miss this next call.

It was the second time she had delayed a FaceTime call with Elle.

Within seconds, a response: You can always come home, you know.

At that, he tossed the phone aside. He wasn’t going to play semantics with an ex-wife who was doing the same thing he was doing. She knew this was happening, and she knew it was happening first.

He tried his best to put it aside, finished his flask, and went back into the pool.

Why was he thinking about Adrianna? About Mae?

Those thoughts kept intruding on him as he waited for Jane and the others to come out. He swam laps to try to distract himself, but it didn’t seem to be working.

What was it about now? About when he decided he was finally done trying to feign friendship when he knew he felt more strongly about J?

He came up from the water again to see her, coming out from inside, setting her crutches down.

Maybe it was because he had a kid now. An ex-wife. Baggage.

As the Mars Volta song came on, he turned his attention to the song and the words. Better that than what he had in mind.

”I thought you were going out with Adrianna tonight.”

Without thinking, Rob laughed at the suggestion, before stopping himself.

“I’m sorry,” he started, “I think she’d like that, but no.” His eyes turned again to the crutches. “Swimming should help get weight off that foot, yeah?”

He moved to almost cradle her in the water before stopping himself. Muscle memory kicking in from all those years ago. He tried his best to play it off as repositioning in the water, but he doubted it worked very well.

On the other end of the house, he heard a car drive off. “I take it Austin didn’t want to go swimming?”

With J now here, in front of him–her dark eyebrows floating above those unmistakable eyes–the intrusive thoughts seemed to fade away.

This was home, in its own way. This was comfortable.

Rob moved to the edge of the pool and snagged his pack, quickly lighting up a cigarette. He offered her one before leaning back.

He panged slightly with anxiety–he wanted to bring up this morning–but when he looked up to her, he calmed down just a bit.

This was Jane. He knew her. What was there to be scared of?

Rejection.

The word rang in his head, briefly, before fading out.

“Oh,” he started, “I wanted to say I’m sorry it’s been weird, too. But today was real fuckin’ productive. I uh... I slept well last night. Real well. I hope you did too.” He didn’t even try to hide his subtext.

Sure, he could have been blunter. But he at least wanted to offer J an out if she wanted to avoid it.

Rob’s admission about the night before made Jane choke on the smoke of her cigarette. Not only did he know, he enjoyed it?

It was possible she was overthinking what he said - applying her own meaning to his words. But as she mulled it over, bobbing further out into the pool towards him, she could only come to one conclusion: Rob enjoyed their impromptu night together. And that thought alone made Jane’s stomach flutter.

“I, uh,” Jane stuttered, “I did too.” The end of her sentence was said through a smirk. Were they…flirting?

Her mind flashed to Austin, his warning not to do anything stupid. But then again, Austin wasn’t here.

Jane flicked her cigarette out into the yard and dove under the water, coming up for air just a foot away from Rob. The closest they’d been while conscious, anyway.

It was also the first time Jane could really soak in the new Rob. The tiny specks of gray in his hairline. The few crows feet tugging at the corners of his eyes. The years passed looked good on him. He’d become a real man without her in their years apart.

And Jane didn’t want their to be any more years to count.

She closed the little bit of distance between them and made a decision for the both of them, pulling him gently by the back of the neck and kissing him, her arms wrapping around him once he obliged.

If you asked Jane to recount the details, she wouldn’t be able to. It could have been seconds, minutes. Adrenaline and desire had her in a haze, and she was soaking up every second of it. It was just her and Rob in that moment, and she was showing him how much she’d missed him in the best way she knew how.

That was until Sam slid the back door open, and Jane jumped back, regret instantly washing over her. She couldn’t even look at him.

“I wanted to talk to Rob about something with the mix,” Sam said flatly, already annoyed.

Jane, not wanting to wait around for the consequences of her actions, swam to the steps and got herself up on her crutches. “I have a phone interview early in the morning, it’s fine,” she almost whispered, the lump in her throat forming.

What had she done?

“Good night, guys,” she called out to the both of them, keeping her tears back until she’d made it to her room.

She’d ruined everything.

“Hello?” A voice sounded on the other line.

“I made out with him in the pool,” Jane cried. “Rob. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Calm down,” Kody, her sponsor, said in her motherly tone. “I thought we were over him.”

“I…I’m not. I’ve never been. I just…” More crying. “I promised Austin I’d keep the peace and focus on the music but, but I’m this stupid, impulsive-“

“Do you feel like you’re going to relapse?” She asked earnestly, even though she knew it’d annoy Jane. She probably did it just to snap her out of the cycle.

“No…no,” Jane convinced herself, taking a deep breath. “No, I just feel like I fucked up. Bad.”



Here in Spirit was the song Jane’s phone chose for her 4:00 AM alarm, and there was only a moment of amnesiac bliss until the events of the night before came flooding back to her. Their first night that they agreed to put past aside, and she hits him with it like a brick.

“Shit,” she grumbled as she dug in her nightstand for her pack of cigarettes and a lighter. A New York based radio station would be calling her in a half hour for a phone interview, a “quick” one Evan promised, so it was up to her to become somewhat coherent before then.

It didn’t help that Jane stayed up with Kody, who talked her off the edge and ended the call with a long, drawn out talk about the importance of remaining sober. There was a knock that came at her door at some point during the conversation, but she called out that she was on the phone.

After two cigarettes and a cup of coffee, Jane answered the call. It was just an assistant at first, making sure the connection was good and going over with Evan, also on the line, the main talking points. Jane didn’t pay much attention, instead rolling a joint as her reward for waking up this early. 

“Alright, Jane, we’re starting in ten seconds.”

“Got it,” Jane replied.

“You’ve got this!” Evan chimed in, annoyingly cheery for what time it was.

“Uh huh.” 

Johnny: Alright everyone, we have a special treat. Jane Molloy, frontwoman of the band that used to rock our airwaves ten years ago, In Bloom! 

Jane: Thanks for having me, Johnny.

They first discussed some of Jane’s current favorite bands, her favorite pizza place in New York, and her favorite set she ever played. Evan, who could only be heard by those on the line, gave Johnny the warning they had two minutes left.

Johnny: Now, let’s talk about Everything. It’s a fantastic song.

Jane: Thank you.

Johnny: Can you tell us about the inspiration behind the lyrics? There has been a lot of guessing from what I see, but we want to hear straight from the source.

Jane froze. How did she not expect this question?

Jane: I, um. It’s…

Fuck it. Be honest.

Jane: It’s about losing someone you cared about…and how you wished you said more to them when you had the opportunity, because you feel like you can’t now. And I guess that’s been something on my mind lately. I’ve been dealing with a lot of regrets I have from the past.

Evan, worrying about where the conversation was going, let them know it was time to wrap up, and after another thirty seconds of pleasantries, Johnny disconnected from the call.

“Great job, Jane,” Evan sighed with relief. “We got the first interview out of the way.”

“Have a little bit more faith in me, Evan,” Jane replied. “I’ve grown up a little.”

Rob’s heart seemed to burn in his chest as J closed the gap between them. Her warmth radiated from her, and her breath seemed to become as shallow as his.

He was confident in his decision to be direct with J, but that didn’t stop the moment¬–this moment–from terrifying him. Yet still, in the quiet terror of it, there was calm. There was home.

Her fingers gently pulled him towards her, and they fell into each other again.

Rob’s right hand slid up the nape of her neck, gently burrowing his fingers into her hair. His left hand found itself on her side, where it always ended up, no matter what.

It was more than muscle memory. It was re-connecting two long-lost puzzle pieces. It was forming a whole once again. If only for a moment.

It was all too soon the door shut behind her, leaving Rob and Sam standing awkwardly faced towards each other.

The sound of the pool’s water filter permeated the air for several seconds.

Finally, Rob broke.

“What’s wrong with the mix?”

--

An hour later, Sam and Rob were hulled up in the basement, several beer cans littered between them, burying themselves in work.

For both of them, it was a nice, immediate reprieve from the inevitable conversation they would need to have about Sam walking in on Rob and Jane. But more than that, it was also a bit nice to be spending more time together. After all, all those years ago, it was mostly Austin and Rob that got along the best.

These days, Austin was more of a Dad than ever–and that was coming from a father. Sam was less on top of Rob, less judgmental for his decisions and his drinking and everything else.

Maybe it wasn’t exactly the positive influence he needed in his life right now. But it was certainly the influence he preferred to be around.

“No, seriously, cut the overdrive there,” Rob cut in after Sam played through the second chorus. “It’s too much midrange, and Jane’s bit here is basically an alto line.”

“Well, it’s all overdrive,” Sam countered. “I’m open to trying something else out but otherwise it’s running straight from pickup to tape.”

“Pickup to DAW, you mean.”

“Sure.”

Rob thought for a moment, before pulling up a song on his phone. He played a few seconds for Sam to hear. It was an Emma Ruth Rundle song.

“What about something like this, like put a clean tone on it, but use a flanger.”

“There’s a flanger on this?”

“I mean–kinda a mix between this and that Phoebe Bridgers track I showed you earlier for reference. Then put the drive back on at the end of the phrase.”

Sam pressed a few buttons and played back the phrase. After hearing it out, he gave the slightest of nods.

“…yeah, you’re right, Pennie. This tracks.”

Rob nodded while slipping out a flask and taking a big swig. Afterward, he responded: “I figured it would, I mean, there’s only so much space in those frequencies. We used to blow it out but then you’d have to compress it to fuckin’ shit and all of a sudden, your dynamic range is gone.”

“You used to just play drums, you know.” Sam replied.

Rob smiled at that. “I still just play drums. But I also had nothing to do in the recording booth with Mae, so I listened to the engineers. I don’t know as much as you think I do, thought.”

“Well, I don’t think you know much, so that works out.”

Rob glared at Sam, before the two of them burst out laughing.

“Why didn’t we do this the first time around?” Rob wondered aloud.

The statement seemed to catch Sam off-guard. He thought for a moment. “I mean, I was a dickhead, but so were you, so, not much to be done about it. Plus you and Jane were off playing Romeo and Juliet all the time so you were busy.”

Rob sighed. “Look, man, sorry–“

“–that you were in love?” Sam finished. “Yeah, don’t be. It wasn’t you two together that was annoying, it was how fucking embarrassed you two were about the whole thing.”

Rob hadn’t considered that angle before, and thinking about it, he could see Sam’s point, for all his own issues. “That’s what I’m avoiding this go around,” he admitted.

“You two back on your bullshit?” Sam asked.

“Hopefully not ‘on our bullshit’,” Rob replied. “But… I’m not gonna be embarrassed about it. Or at least I don’t intend to be.”

“Is this the new Rob I hear?”

“It’s the Rob with a kid and an ex-wife,” Rob countered. He took another drink from his flask. “I’ve got a lot to work on, and I don’t know how any of anything is gonna play out, but maybe this time our business stays our business.”

Sam laughed at that. “With respect, Rob, your ex-wife is about to go on an Adele-level tour and we’re about to drop our first album in a decade. I don’t think your business stays your business for long.”

Rob stood up at that. “Quit making good points and go to bed sometime, asshole.” He patted him roughly on the back and gave a wry smile. “I’m done for the day.”

--

Laying in bed that night, Rob continuously eyed the doorframe. His door was shut, and unlocked, and the only thing on his mind.

He wanted so desperately to burst into Jane’s room, to ask her what she wanted to do, to finally get back on the same page about the feelings that have surrounded them both, rekindled by the band finally getting back together again.

But maybe tonight was a start. Maybe it was enough.

Who knew?

Rob’s eyes stayed on the doorframe, until they closed hours later, sleep finally taking him.

When he awoke, very much in that same position, there was a different figure waiting for him.

Austin.

“Get up,” came his flat comment once the two made eye contact. “Ten minutes until a band meeting. Evan called one.”

Suddenly, a strong force pelted him in the side. Rob grunted as he sat up and grasped at whatever the hell it was Austin tossed at him.

As he looked at it, it was a bottle of Pedialyte.

“Thought you needed it.”

“Asshole,” Rob grumbled out as the door shut behind Austin.

It was funny really, how in just a few short days Austin was more like Sam, and Sam more like Austin.

Whatever happened next, it would certainly be interesting.

--

Ten minutes later, Rob was sat with a glass of tap water and an energy drink at the dining room table. Sam and Austin sat on either side of him, and in front, Jane—who had sat down just as the conference call was starting, so he hadn’t had the chance to talk to her.

Her face was unreadable. How did her interview go?

“Last night, Sam sent me a demo for another track last night. Good shit all around. At this rate, we’re well past the number of tracks for an LP. Plus, with Everything doing as well as it’s done, I’m sending a film crew down tonight to shoot a video.”

“Like a music video?” Austin piped up.

“No¬–God, no–that shit’s exclusive to pop stars now, we don’t have that kind of budget. An acoustic ‘live’ version. They’ll bring Rob a cajon and an acoustic bass for Austin. Just something so the kids have something visual, so dress up nice tonight.”

“Anything else?” Rob asked.

“What, you busy?” Evan jokingly responded. “Seriously, this is going better than expected you guys. It’s not even a month and we’re eyeing release dates 4-6 weeks out from now. We’ll beat Mae–“

Evan stopped himself. “We’ll likely beat many other artists to market for the start of the season.”

“You aren’t subtle, Evan.” Rob replied. His face flushed with embarrassment.

“Also,” Evan continued, paying the comment no mind, “I’m upping your media regiment. Jane’s pulling her weight as of this morning and the rest of you need to follow her lead. Sam, you’ve got an Ernie Ball promo shoot later today. Austin, there’s a podcast I want you on later as well. Rob, there’s a Guitar Center in Long Beach I need you at. I know it’s just a Guitar Center, but—”

“–I’m on it.” Rob replied. His mind filled with memories. “I know the place. I got my first kit there.”

“Perfect. Sorry, I know it’s all last minute, but check your emails, I sent all the details. We need to stay on top of this and with the way the market is right now, we need more videos of your faces. Social media, share personal stories, that sort of thing. Be available without actually being available.”

“Makes perfect sense.” Austin cut in.

“I have to run, call me if you need me, good job, good luck, have a good one.”

The line cut dead after that.

After a moment of silence, Rob pulled out his phone and looked at the email Evan had talked about.

”Oh, shit.” he muttered out.

The Guitar Center was an hour and a half away. And he was supposed to be there in two hours.

“I have to get dressed,” he said, getting up from the table.

Of fucking course the one time he wanted more than anything to talk to Jane, he had no time. He could barely even make eye contact before he was upstairs, cleaning up his face, getting himself dressed.

He knew beating Mae to her re-release was important, but putting pressure on them like this wasn’t going to help. Besides, there was more than enough they needed to work out now–before another tour started.

He hadn’t even had a weekend off to see Elle yet.

If Evan wanted him to be everywhere, all at once, it was going to come at a cost. He just didn’t know what that cost was, yet.

Evan’s morning meeting threw a wrench in Jane’s plan to avoid Rob like the plague from the comfort of her room until she decided what to say. She kept sipping a cold glass of water to keep her face from flushing every time he turned even slightly in her direction, and Evans praise during the meeting didn’t help. It did feel good, however, to hear that they had a chance of getting their work out there before MAE dominated the airwaves once again.

After hearing that Rob would be leaving for a Guitar Center, she caught her breath. It’d buy her at least a couple of hours to figure out how the hell she would explain herself. Her eyes met Sam’s and put a finger to her lips. A silent plea to not say anything to Austin. Much to her surprise, he agreed with a slight nod.

As Rob was leaving, Jane offered a meek “good luck!” as she hobbled down the hallway to her room, where she plopped down on the bed and groaned heavily.

Part of her wanted to apologize to him, to say it was a stupid, stupid thing she did and that it didn’t mean anything.

But that would be a lie.

And Rob deserved the truth, not this song and dance they’d be doing since arriving. Jane would tell him that she still had feelings for him, and that although she planned to stuff those feelings down for the duration of their reunion, she couldn’t help herself anymore.

The worst he could do was not feel the same. But that kiss, it felt like something. Jane could only hope she wasn’t wrong.

Austin appeared in her doorway, eying her up and down. “How are you feeling?”

Jane pushed the hair out of her face and shrugged. “My face hurts, my ankle’s throbbing. I’m not excited to be in a video looking like this.”

Austin approached her and helped prop her foot up. “It’ll be memorable at least.” He examined the gash on her eyebrow, which had scabbed over and was starting to heal. “It makes you look tough.”

They both laughed, but then Jane sighed. “I’m gonna sleep for a bit, yeah?”

“Alright. I’ll wake you up when we start getting ready for the shoot. You need anything?”

“I’m good, thanks.”



“Yo,” Sam called into Jane’s room. “The make up artist is here. Wanna fix your face?”

“I’ll be out in ten,” she responded from deep under the comforter, and once the door was shut, she got out of bed and hopped to her closet. She settled on a black tank top with a pair of black low rise, flared jeans, and she brushed her hair out until it fell in neat waves that cascaded down her back. Evan said to dress up nice, but he also knew what to expect from her.

Jane’s crutches brought her to the dining room, and she was greeted by a tall brunette in her early twenties named Brenna, obviously in a rush. The make up artist motioned towards a chair, which Jane sat in promptly, letting her get to work. To the right, a team was setting up two cameras, lighting, and the band’s equipment in the adjacent living room that overlooked the pool. With the right timing, the sun would be setting behind them as they played.

In her peripheral vision, Rob appeared, and before she could second guess herself, she reached out a hand and grabbed his wrist as he was walking by. “Let’s talk after this,” she whispered before Brenna redirected her attention to her. Jane let go of Rob and closed her eyes, adrenaline rushing through her veins. No going back now.

“Well, I’m no magician,” Brenna sighed, stepping back and looking at Jane with a critical eye, “but that’s as good as we’re gonna get.” She handed a mirror to Jane.

“That’s crazy,” she gawked, her handing reaching up to the gash on her eyebrow, now camouflaged with concealer.

Brenna slapped it away. “Don’t touch. Now, for the eyes.”



It took three takes, but the live, acoustic version of Everything was officially filmed and recorded. The band, minus Jane, helped load the vans with equipment, and when they were finishing up, Jane decided enough was enough. She couldn’t sit there mulling over what to say any longer.

“Wanna cigarette?” Jane nudged Rob’s arm while every one else seemed distracted.

Once they’d both lit their cigarettes, Jane leaned her crutches against the wall and slid down into one of the patio chairs. “About last night, I’m-I’m sorry I jumped you like that…”

Good start, keep going.

“The truth is… I’ve never quite…”

Another drag of her cigarette. She was buying time; even if just a second.

“I’ve never gotten over you, Rob.”

“Hey guys!” Austin’s voice boomed from the sliding glass door. He must have seen the anxiety written all over Jane’s face, because he paused and looked back and forth between the two of them. “We’re gonna take the crew out for some drinks…Jane I know it’s not your scene, but I think it’d be fun for all of us to get out of the house a bit.”

“Uh, sure,” Jane replied, caught off guard. She immediately regretted her answer.

“Hell yeah. Rob, I already know you’re down. Let’s go!”

Jane put her cigarette out and let Austin help her up, and as they headed for the door, Jane turned around and mouthed out an “I’m sorry.”

The anticipation of what Rob had to say was killing her, but she’d have to wait a little longer.

Rob could barely get his pants on before the second call from an all-too-impatient Uber driver hit his phone. He mashed ‘accept’ and tossed the phone into a wedge between his ear and shoulder.

“Thirty seconds, max, I’m sorry, bye,” he practically listed off. He could hear the start of a reply before he hung up and shoved the phone back into his pocket.

His door flew open as he pressed on to the staircase. Before he could even register her, Jane slipped past with a quick ‘good luck!’

He was halfway down the staircase before calling out a “thank you!” Within another ten seconds, the door to the Uber shut and they were off.

The proceeding hour and a half was slow and fast all the same. The hilly landscapes in Orange County soon gave way to familiar territory.

It felt like a nostalgia trip on a speed run. One street they flew past, Rob could distinctly remember meeting up with a man he met on Craigslist for a cheap pair of drum heads. The next, he remembered brushing past paparazzi with Jane on their way back home.

It was all too much. The flask he had slipped in his pocket seemed to burn for his attention. But luckily it was his phone which got it first—buzzing sharply and ripping him out of his trance.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me,” came Mae’s soft reply. Rob’s ‘dad mode’ kicked in sharply as he sat up in his seat.

As with all calls with Mae these days, it was terse, succinct, and disquieting.

“How’s it going?” Rob began.

“All fine, Elle’s fine, just misses you is all.”

“I miss her too.”

“I know that.”

A beat passed between them. Then:

“I hear you’re teaching kids how to play at your Guitar Center today.”

“I just found out myself. Your people are good.”

“New album coming out soon?”

“We have some songs down.”

“I heard ‘Everything’ on the radio the other day.”

“Yeah?”

“Glad it’s going well for you.”

“Thanks.”

A full four agonizing seconds passed before Rob took the bait.

“So,” he started, “is it going well for you?”

“Me? Oh… yeah, I think so. Got the main LP sorted, just working on some stuff we can push out early before the cycle starts. My manager says if we launch with our best work it’s going to get trashed simply because it’s new, so whatever comes out first is going to take the brunt of any criticism. So, the plan is to launch something soft first before doing a music video.”

“That’s nice.”

“It’s been amazing, Rob. Back in the studio, trying out new stuff… you know, when you aren’t doing it for the money, it’s a completely different experience.”

“Okay.”

“Well, I mean–I’m not implying anything there you know, about your finances-“

“I’m well off, Mae. I get what you mean.”

“I know that.”

“I’m just saying ‘okay,’ there’s nothing behind it.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Another painful pause.

“We’re not going to make our FaceTime call again today,” Mae admitted. “I’m sorry.”

“I thought we agreed to seven?”

“We did, yes.”

“I can’t really do any other time.”

“I can do in thirty minutes, but you have this gig set up.”

“Could you send a picture? I’d like to recognize my daughter next time I see her.”

“That’s really not necessary, Rob.”

“Is that what you called to talk about?”

“Among other things, yes.”

“Which other things?”

“This doesn’t feel productive. I guess I’ve said what I needed to say.”

“What isn’t productive? I’m asking what else you wanted to talk about.”

“There’s something behind that–“

“There’s nothing behind that.”

“If you say so.”

“I do. I’m glad the recording is going well.”

“Thank you. Everything good on your end? Jane?”

“What about her?”

“The band–I mean–going well?”

“She’s good. We’re good. Hoping to put something out soon. ‘Everything’ did well so we’re aiming for more.”

“Can I ask when the release date is?”

“…I don’t know. How about yours?”

“…still working that one out. But I’ll shoot straight with you, the record guys don’t want me to tell you when we do have a date.”

“So you do have a date?”

“…we’re close to one, yes.”

“Well, you can tell your ‘record guys’ the father of your daughter needs to know at some point so he can care for her while you’re on promo.”

“I’m sure someone can care for her—”

“No. Not someone. Me.”

“You’ve got a lot going on.”

“I’m aware. I’m heading to Guitar Center as we speak.”

“I’m keeping my promo in Seattle this time. You don’t need to put yourself out coming all the way up here.”

“It isn’t putting myself out, it’s my daughter.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Sure. Yeah.”

“…I have a few meetings in LA next week. Maybe we can work something out?”

“Absolutely we can. We’re in Orange County.”

“It’ll be short. Maybe three hours? LAX to West Hollywood and back.”

“Just text me the details, I know an aquarium nearby she’d like.”

“Great. Probably next Tuesday. I’ll see you then?”

“I’ll see you then.”

“Great. Love you, bye.”

“Bye.”

Rob hung up the phone and took a deep breath. With each passing year, talking with Mae was becoming a cold war. And knowing how much his own parents argued when he was a kid, keeping it from Elle was getting harder and harder.

“Hey, um,” the Uber driver started. “We’re almost there. Looks like a crowd is forming.”

Looking out the window of the Uber, Rob could see what he meant. There was a line stretching about fifty feet from the front door all the way around the block. Three or four paparazzi sat on the curb apart from the line, eyes up and darting from car to car.

“Thanks for the head’s up,” Rob replied. He pulled out his phone and looked into the camera.

On the screen, he could see his eyes had become red and puffy. Had he been crying?

Before he could answer his own thought, the driver passed him a few tissues.

“I’ve got an ex-wife too, you know,” he said. “I get it.”

“Thanks,” was all he could muster out. He quickly cleaned himself up and ripped the flask from his pocket. He downed about two big gulps before shoving it back into his pocket and straightening himself out.

“Hopefully this goes better than that phone call.”

--

Dealing with paparazzi was becoming an increasingly normal affair for Rob. While he despised it, he knew it was nothing compared to the level of shit Mae and Jane had to deal with. As the cameras clicked away, he smiled slightly as he shook a few hands and entered inside.

A small stage had been set up in here for him—a drum set arranged to his liking was already on stage, mic’ed up and ready to go.

“Evan moves fast,” he commented aloud.

“He sent over twenty photos the moment he called,” came the response.

Turning around. Rob could see who had said it.

“…plus, I had a hunch about what you liked.”

“Joan, holy shit!” Rob exclaimed. He bear-hugged her before she could get another word out.

Joan Owens was the general manager of this Guitar Center way back when he came in with a jar full of crumbled twenties and tens, hoping to buy his first kit. She had even put her own employee discount on there so he could accord the tax.

That was over twenty years ago, and here she was like no time had passed at all.

“Good to see you too, Robbie,” she replied, patting his back in a way that clearly meant ‘please let go.’

Rob obliged and smiled brighter than he had all day. “You still run this place?”

“Yes and no,” came her bright reply. Aside from her auburn hair turning a graceful gray, she seemingly hadn’t aged a day. “I run this place and most of LA county’s locations.”

Rob was beaming at that. “Man, I wish you’d called.”

“Oh please, I sold you a drum kit, your big break wasn’t me. Plus, you could have called me.”

“Fair point.”

--

The two-hour stint at Guitar Center flew by after that. Rob talked to a few local reporters, played a few In Bloom songs, and proceeded to sign something-near three hundred papers, bags, drum skins, sticks, and just every merch item he remembered they had ever made.

He barely had a moment to say goodbye to Joan before being whisked away yet again. With traffic against him, he had his driver swing him through a drive-thru and scarfed down a burger while on the phone with Evan.

“You’ll be back in time for set up, right?” came his first question. “Also, good job.”

“Thanks, and yes,” Rob replied. He was more focused on not making a mess of this poor driver’s back seat than Evan’s questioning.

“Footage looks good, paparazzi photos came out well, good engagement, good metrics.”

“Glad the metrics are good,” Rob said, not even trying to hide his disinterest.

“You hear from Mae recently?”

“I’m not your mole, Evan.”

“I have to ask.”

Rob took a deep breath. “…she has a date, but she won’t tell me when it is.”

“She’s got good managers, then.”

“Not helpful,” Rob interjected. “But she mentioned leading with stuff that won’t be on the album, and a music video.”

“I assumed both, but glad to have my suspicions confirmed. Get back soon and sober. Looking forward to the video.”

The line cut off after that.

--

Back at the AirBnB, recording for ‘Everything’ went off without a hitch. Three takes seemed to take it out of J. Their staging seemed to try to hide her bad foot, but twist it uncomfortably all the same.

He desperately wanted to approach her afterwards, but what could he say?

Where things stood, they were at a crossroads. His intentions were laid bare, and she reciprocated. Now what?

Rob caught Sam and Austin’s glares as he stood up from his cajon and began to help load the vans. They seemed wholly unapproachable now, more than ever.

Before he could say anything more he felt her beside him.

”Wanna cigarette?

He breathed a sigh of relief as he followed her to the patio. But that relief quickly turned to tension as he watched her try to get the words out.

It was an adolescent feeling—like a rollercoaster ride. Rob’s heart pounded in his chest.

“I’ve never gotten over you, Rob.”

Rob sucked in a breath to speak, but yet again, for the second time today, he never got the chance. He held it until both Jane and Austin disappeared back into the house.

“Fuck,” he breathed out.

Why was there never enough time?

--

It was late now, and Rob found himself in the corner of a local Irish pub. The crowd had grown from a weekday night crowd to a Friday night one as word leaked out that all of In Bloom were gracing Orange County with their presence.

Fame was a complicated subject for him. His own minor fame had stressed him out enough, but the massive worldwide fame that held at his periphery during the Mae years and the parasitic leeches that clung to J during her down years had more than soured him on the idea.

He was positioned between two crew members and Sam sharing war stories on a tour they had been on. Some other regional act Sam had been with in the intervening years. He appreciated not having to talk, but the fourth Guinness of the night burned in his hand.

For someone trying to take it easy, this wasn’t exactly a perfect atmosphere.

Rob looked over several heads to see J with some others about twenty feet away. From his distance, with the flashing lights and darkness, he couldn’t even tell who she was with. But he was more than confident a bar wasn’t exactly her favorite place to be either.

Why were they here? And why did Austin invite J to a bar?

The two had just been to an AA meeting days ago, and while Rob certainly had demons of his own, the idea of bringing J to a bar was incredibly shitty.

He had finally had enough of the ruminating. He was going to talk to J. At least, if he could help it. He was tired of trying to find the right time. Clearly, the right time didn’t exist.

He left the conversation and crossed half the distance between them before Austin suddenly got in the way.

“Hey buddy,” came a bitter greeting from Austin. “Heading out?”

“No, just wanted to talk to J,” he replied. His head was buzzing from the music and drinks, and he tried to push aside Austin to continue forward.

But Austin blocked his way again.

“Actually, I wanted to ask you about something—”

“What’s up, man?” Rob skipped the pretense. “Why don’t you want me to talk to her?”

Austin’s feigned befuddlement at Rob’s question only pissed Rob off further. “I didn’t say that,” he replied.

“Don’t bullshit me, Austin,” Rob said. He was surprised at how angry the words came out. “And why the fuck would you invite her to a bar?”

“I wanted to go out with my friends?”

“You’re so full of shit.”

“And you’re drunk.”

“Hey, guys?”

The sound of a third voice caught Rob off guard. He turned to his side to see Sam, looking concerned.

Rob looked up to see that a few people had opened up a gap between Rob and Austin. Peering eyes were staring from all directions. Without realizing it, they were making a scene. Rob’s fists were already balled.

Sam leaned in closer. “Maybe not here.”

Rob eyed Austin up and down for a moment, but his eyes showed no remorse. In this moment, he wanted nothing more than to deck him for the ‘drunk’ comment.

Instead, he gave a weak smile and lightly tapped him with his fist on the shoulder, before downing his Guinness, leaving it at the bar, and turning around.

The crowd seemed to part like the red sea as he went into the men’s room. Rob found an open stall, locked himself in, and sat down.

The flask in his pocket was downed in another ten seconds. He took a second look at the empty flask, before throwing it hard against the tile floor.

Three tiles cracked and the flask dented as it clattered away.

After another thirty seconds, he heard the bathroom door open and shut. On the other end of the stall door, Sam’s muted voice came through.

“Aren’t you a little old to be getting into bar fights?”

“I didn’t get in a fight, Sam,” Rob replied. “I’m just stressed out.”

“Hey, I get it,” Sam said. “I heard what Austin said. I’d get mad too.”

“It’s not just that. Mae… I’ve got a lot of home shit on my mind.”

“And Evan isn’t helping I presume?”

Rob didn’t reply to that.

“Maybe let’s talk later, yeah? I picked up an eighth we can smoke at the pool after everyone finishes up here.”

The stall door opened, and Rob stepped out.

“Let me, uh… get a club soda and I’ll meet back up with you guys in a minute.”

Sam nodded. “Don’t be too long in here, weirdo.”

He turned on his heel and left with a smile.

Trying not to ruminate too hard on dealing with Austin, Rob washed his face and stepped back out into the bar.

After snagging his club soda, he took a look around the bar. No Austin or J in sight, but it was a big bar with a lot of smaller rooms they could be in—together or separately. Were they still here? Were they talking?

There was no way to be sure. Rob tried his best to put it aside.

His conversation with J would have to wait. What was another few hours after ten years?

The bar that Austin chose was your run-of-the-mill Irish pub. Flickering neon signs lined the length of the establishment, mounted TVs played soundless soccer games, cigarette smoke hung heavy in the air, and Mississippi Queen was blasting on the jukebox.

Jane felt the flutter in her stomach - the urge to have just one beer - but she had found out time and time again that it wasn’t possible for her.

The band and crew pushed two tables together and ordered a few pitchers. Jane ordered herself a coke with lime, the closest she’d ever get to a ‘mock tail.’ It wasn’t long before a shy girl, boyfriend-in-tow, tapped her shoulder, shaking her out of the daze she was in.

“You’re Jane from In Bloom, right?”

She was invited over to their group, and to be nice, Jane obliged. They looked be around her her age, possibly a little younger, and they offered her a seat to get off her crutches.

“Your make up looks bomb!” one girl offered.

“Thank you, we had a video shoot tonight.”

“Can we get you a drink?” the boyfriend offered, and the girl who recognized her, Tess, shot an elbow into his side.

“She doesn’t drink.”

Jane winced. “It’s okay, I got my coke. So, are you guys new fans, or…”

Tess eyes widened. “My older sister was a huge fan years ago when you guys first got big. By proxy, I was one too. Been listening to you guys ever since.”

“That’s awesome,” Jane nodded, taking a sip of her drink. She was still just as awkward with fans as she remembered, and it made her think of Rob and how effortless it all seemed to him.

Rob. God, she should be used to being interrupted by now, but this time she was hoping to have a genuine conversation with him. She only got out a sentence of what she wanted to say, but it was the most important one; she still had feelings for him.

She glanced back at the group she’d arrived with to see Rob and Austin in some sort of heated discussion.

“I’m so sorry,” Jane sighed, shooting back the rest of her drink, “but I should be getting back to my crew over there. It was so nice to meet you all.” She hated how fake she sounded. She needed to get better at this eventually.

Jane hobbled back over to Austin. “What was that about?”

“Nothing,” Austin grunted. “Got some fans over there?” He pointed over to Tess and her group, and they all looked away immediately.

“Yeah,” Jane replied. “Can we go now? I really don’t wanna be here.”

An expression of defeat washed over Austin’s face, Jane unsure why, but he nodded. “Let’s go.”



Her plan was simple: go swimming with the boys, outlast Sam, then finish her conversation with Rob. Easier said than done, seeing as Jane was asleep by 9PM on a usual night. Tiredness tugged at her eyes as they poured out of their UberXL and into the house.

Jane didn’t feel up for a swim, so she opted for a pair of gray sweatpants and a large white t-shirt after scrubbing off the make up that Brenna had expertly applied earlier. Her hair was plopped on the top of her head in a messy bun.

Sam, since catching her and Rob kissing, seemed to be turning a new leaf with Jane. They were even reminiscing over a joint about a show they played.

“And then,” he choked on the smoke from laughing, “you puked through your nose as soon as our set ended.”

Jane grabbed the joint from Sam who was in the pool and took a big drag as she sat criss-cross on the side. “Fuck, I don’t know how I used to get so drunk and actually sing.”

“I don’t either, but you always crushed it…well usually.”

She used her foot to splash some water at him. Austin was no where to be found. He seemed moody during the car ride home, so Jane didn’t expect an appearance from him, but still…what happened at the bar?

“Rob?” Jane exhaled a cloud of smoke and passed him the joint, struggling to make eye contact. He knew her secret and yet, she still had no idea how he felt about it, but she was trying her best to play it cool and not act awkwardly.

Sam made a face at her when they locked eyes, a so what’s going on between you two? look, but Jane shot her own look back at him. One that read, [i]I don’t know, but shut the fuck up, Sam.”

“I gotta hit the hay soon, but it’s your turn Rob,” Sam said after fully submerging himself in the saltwater pool, “what was your least favorite set we ever played?”

Jane lit herself a cigarette. She had been doing so well at home, only smoking a few per day, but out here, she found herself going through nearly a pack a day again.

“Yeah, Rob, your turn,” she added, offering him a cigarette and her lighter. “The more embarrassing the better.”

Two club sodas churned away in Rob’s gut alongside a near-half gallon of Guinness–sloshing to-and-fro in his gut as the Uber driver took far-too-sharp turns back towards the house. It was nauseating in the way he intended such a horrid combination to be. Hopefully, by the time they got back and the weed came out, all thoughts of sneaking upstairs to this personal stash would be gone.

Rob was jammed in the third row, between a crew member he didn’t know (he was fairly confident their name started with a “B”) and Sam. Both he and Sam were far too close to try to exchange wry glances, but that certainly didn’t stop them from trying.

Ahead of them included several members of crew alongside Austin and J, and the others. Austin continuously turned his head throughout the ride, trying to make all too obvious glances towards Rob.

In between glances, Sam turned to Rob as best he could.

“Just leave him be, man,” came a half-whisper-half-mutter. “He’ll get over himself.”

“What’s his deal?” Came Rob’s response. “I haven’t done shit to him.”

“I don’t think a community college gig pays well,” Sam said. “I think he’s just worrying you aren’t taking this seriously.”

“He isn’t the one leaving a kid behind to be here.”

“I know,” Sam replied. “I’ll try to sort it out.”

Rob huffed slightly and returned to looking straight ahead. Funny, how much these guys had changed in ten years.

How much had he changed, then?



A few hours later, the crew had went home, and three-fourths of the band ended up back outside at the pool.

Austin had slipped away with some crew members without telling essentially anyone. Rob had passed him on the stairs heading upstairs for a swimsuit.

“Be back late,” was all he had said. “Ben’s got the hookup on a great club in Santa Ana.”

“Have fun,” Rob called back, but he doubted it was even heard.

Austin’s absence, however, wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Out here, with just the three of them, things felt a hell of a lot more normal.

Hearing more from Sam, at least on his part and assumedly on J’s as well, was an increasingly welcome scene. Getting caught up in old road tales wasn’t usually his thing, but considering the events of the past few days (not to mention the inevitable tour on the horizon), it was nice to re-acquaint himself.

It reminded him he needed to talk to Evan about time off. Grinding out city after city was a young person’s game. Besides that, he needed time to catch flights back to Seattle and spend time with Elle. He was already forgoing a lot of his owed time being down here, and given Mae’s increasing antagonism, well…

He had no intention having to go back to court over it all.

Before he could think further on the subject, a joint found itself in his hand, and two expectant pairs of eyes lingered on him.

Rob blinked a few times and took a drag, thinking.

“The more embarrassing, the better, huh?”

Sam’s nod of approval gave him all the permission he needed.

“Well, I’m not sure you really want to hear it, cause it involves you. And pizza.”

Sam’s face dropped immediately. “No, Rob, we made a promise--”

Rob broke out into laughter. “Oh, come on, Sam, how long has it been?”

His and J’s smiling stares seemed to break him. “Fine,” he reneged. “But it was a long time ago!”

“Alright,” Rob started, “so here’s the scene: we’re somewhere between Atlanta and Raleigh with back-to-back shows, but Sam here has us pull over in bum fuck nowhere—”

“Greenville, South Carolina. It isn’t bum fuck.”

“…bum fuck nowhere, because he has a fan and plug in town he was talking to on Instagram. At a Quiktrip, at like 3 in the fucking morning, he picks up live resin, some carts, and a bag of magic mushrooms he had no intention of using. Or labeling, for that matter.

Three weeks later, we’ve finished our setup and have three hours before our set–I think in Canada? Anyways. This motherfucker, without so much as thinking, makes himself a mushroom pizza—”

“—I was high—”

“Without remembering the shit-ton of psilocybin he just baked onto the pizza. I can’t remember where the others were, but you spent the next few hours in your bunk–curtains open–completely fucking naked with your fingers in your mouth.”

“I have no idea how I played that fucking show,” Sam cut in. “That was the worst trip in fucking history. Everyone looked like a CGI demon.”

“At one point, you told me cradle you, dude.”

Sam’s face was beet red from embarrassment. “So that’s your worst set, ‘cause it sounds an awful lot like mine.”

“Of course it was my worst set,” Rob cut in. “I could barely focus after basically dressing you for the show.”

A mixture of embarrassment and the lunacy of the situation sent Sam into a fit of laughter. “It was pretty bad, wasn’t it?”

Rob laughed in response.

In reality, it wasn’t actually that horrible. But it was one of Rob’s fonder memories of Sam, in reality. For someone tripping out of their mind, he was a lot more pleasant at the time than the I-don’t-care persona he usually put on. It was nice to finally see that façade lowered.

Rob tried to hand the joint back to Sam, but he refused.

“No, it’s bedtime for me,” he said as he pulled himself from the pool, intentionally splashing a bit of water J’s way. “You two keep it going, though.”

Rob’s smile remained as he watched Sam head inside, before turning back to J.

At long last, the two were seemingly alone. Something told him Austin wasn’t exactly planning on interrupting this time.

“He’s gotten cooler, hasn’t he?” Rob began. “He was a moody fuck our first time around.”

He let the comment hang in the air for a moment, before shifting. He was no body language expert, but he figured J’s posture was enough to signify it might be time to get back to her comment.

“Jane, I, um—” words immediately caught in his throat. Good start, man, off to a good start.

Now that the moment was here, all of the pot and booze and club soda swirling around in him wasn’t helping with a decade’s worth of tension swirling around between the two of them.

“I’ve missed you terribly. Even though I’m probably pretty shit at showing it. I probably could’ve called, in hindsight…”

Rob took a moment to pull himself from the water and sat beside her.

“My point is, you’ve done such good with yourself. And I… well, the most good I did in that time is in Elle. It’s not in me. And it doesn’t help that my ex is in direct competition with–“

Rob stopped himself again. “Sorry, not about me.”

Rob turned to look to J, finally. He had been avoiding eye contact as much as possible, because he knew what would happen if he saw her–really saw her in this moment.

Oh, fuck it.

“I have always loved you.”

It was the truth. The truth he had denied for years. The love he had sworn off after their breakup, the love he tried to bury even when he and Mae were happy, once upon a time. The truth he didn’t think he ever even admitted to himself, until just now.

What else was there to say?

Jane finally let out a breath. In reality, it felt like she could breathe for the first time since she arrived at the AirBNB.

A smile cracked across her face, and she was sure she was blushing, but in that moment she didn’t care. It was the first time since they’d been reunited that she didn’t have to hide how she felt, and even if that only lasted for tonight, it was a huge weight off her shoulders.

But what did it mean for them?

So much time had passed between them, and they’d both grown in to completely different people. Rob even had an ex-wife and a daughter now. Jane couldn’t even remember the last time she’d been around a kid.

And the band. Jane just earned forgiveness from Sam for causing the band to implode. What if it didn’t work out between her and Rob again? What would happen to In Bloom?

Her head began to spin thinking of the what ifs, but she centered herself with another deep breath. She was getting ahead of herself.

Jane looked at Rob and nodded. “Same here,” she chuckled nervously. She was never good at talking; in the old days she would use her body to do the talking for her.

But things were much different now.

Instead, Jane took Rob’s hand and squeezed it. “It’s way past my bedtime. Let’s, uh, let’s hang out after recording tomorrow. Something low key.”

Jane thought it was best to leave the night like it was, to not ruin anything.

“Good night, Rob.”

And with that, Jane stood up gingerly from the side of the pool and entered the house, waiting to get to her room to let out a squeal of excitement.



The band agreed to get up early the following morning to record their next track, Years. Jane had written the lyrics during her final stint in rehab, and it was about the pain she felt getting clean from heroin. Austin wrote a dark and powerful guitar riff for it that packed a punch, and the song kind of took off easily from there.

The lyrics could easily read as a love song.

And I won’t miss you so much
as the days pass
I can’t wait to be
years away from you

In their years apart, Sam had learned how to record tracks, which he gladly took on when asked by Evan. Jane was really beginning to enjoy their time together as a band, and not having a stranger in their to record them was an extra level of privacy she appreciated. They’d send the song off to get mixed and mastered after recording.

Jane’s phone vibrated in her pocket, and she excused herself from the group to sit on the basement’s carpeted staircase.

“Hello?”

“Hey, rockstar.” It was Steve, Jane’s friend and neighbor. “How’s it been going?”

“It’s been good! It took a bit for us to get our footing, but we’ve hit our groove it seems. How’s Sin? I miss him so much.”

“He’s fine. Definitely misses you.” Steve took a breath, his tone shifting more serious. “These bills keep coming in.” He was in charge of her mail while she was away. Their first royalty check took care of some of her past due bills, but she’d be catching up for the next month at this rate.

“Fuck, I know. As soon as this check hits Friday, I’ll have the credit card bills and electric paid…the lights are still on right?”

“Yep, I’m here right now.”

“Okay, thanks for checking in. I’ll get caught up on the bills soon.”

“Do you need me to loan you more money?” Steve asked, hesitation in his voice.

“No, no. We have everything we need here, but thank you.”



Jane reentered the basement with her blanket wrapped around her, plopping down in one of the office chairs that surrounded a conference-style table. Sam was in the adjoining room recording Rob’s drums, which left her and Austin.

“Wanna grab food after we’re done here?” he asked without looking up from his phone.

Trepidation grew in Jane’s stomach. She wasn’t going to hide her plans with Rob, but she wasn’t exactly thrilled to tell Austin.

“Um,” she replied, clearing her throat, “I’m actually doing something with Rob.”

Austin put his phone down and rubbed his temples. “What’s going on between you guys?”

“Nothing, just hanging out.”

“Yeah, right,” Austin shook his head. “It’s never nothing with you two.”

Jane shushed him and leaned forward. “Look,” she whispered sharply, “I don’t know what’s going on, okay? But you could at least be happy for me.”

“I’ll be happy for you when we get on the other side of this album without the band imploding. You fucked everything up for all of us last time and I’ll be damned if you do it again.”

Tears formed in Jane’s eyes, but she immediately blotted them away with the sleeve of her sweater. “Things are different now and you know it.”

“Whatever, J. Just don’t come crying to me when it doesn’t work out, okay?”

Austin got up and exited the basement, and Jane waited until she heard his footsteps fade up the steps to put her head down on the desk and groan in frustration.

Was Austin right? Was getting involved with Rob again a bad idea? Or was he just scarred from the past?

Sam came out of the booth, headphones hanging off one ear. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Jane said, popping up from the table and offering a fake smile. “Just, uh, warming up my voice.”

“Good. We’re gonna take a break, then Austin’s up.”

“He’s upstairs.” Jane scratched her head. “He’s pissed at me.”

“I was for ten years,” Sam laughed, putting his headphones around his neck. “I guess it’s his turn.”

“I guess all of us getting along would be too boring. If you get a chance, will you talk to him?”

“Sure,” Sam nodded, patting Jane’s head.

Rob appeared, sweating slightly from recording. God, he was handsome.

“Good job,” Jane smiled, patting the seat next to her and sliding over one of the water bottles that were on the table. “Still wanna hang today?”

There was something intractably powerful about the first few moments Rob and J fully allowed themselves to be honest.

After so many long years–so much wasted time, so many mistakes, here they were again. Back home.

But the moment passed.

It had to. Because the two of them had built lives in the aftermath of their relationships.

Jane was recovered–on a path out of a darkness that could have killed her. Even just the thought of it reminded Rob of his darkest thoughts in the waning months of their relationship, so many years ago. The terror in the moment before he opened the door to their bedroom, wondering if inside would be the person he loved more than anyone else in the world… or a lifeless body.

And Rob had Elle. For all of the music he made, with Auxiliary, with Mae, with anyone, none of it compared to her. She was just coming into her own now. She had thoughts, and opinions, and a mind of her own. Ten years ago, he would lay in bed and wonder what his impact on all of this would end up being. Today, all he wanted was to know her.

No, as much as he wanted it to be simple, he knew it couldn’t be. So for now, he smiled and appreciated that at the least, the two could be open. Whatever came after that, came after that.

Rob felt himself slipping closer to her as she took his hand. “Something low key,” he repeated. “I’d like that.”

He watched as she rose and slipped back inside before he allowed himself to fall backward, into the pool, and felt the cool water crashing on his face.

Under the surface, he enjoyed this moment for as long as he could hold his breath.



The morning light shone through the blinds and struck Rob clear in the face, snapping him out of a surprisingly light sleep.

He roughly blinked away whatever residual dreams pinged in his head and sat up.

Something was off.

He was covered in a strange, cold sweat. His hands jittered–as if he had had one too many coffees already.

Almost immediately, he began to panic. What was going on? Was he having a panic attack in his sleep?

He rose and went to the bathroom, washing off his face as he did so. One moment, he was seeing himself in the mirror. The next, he watched his hands curl around the handle of rum beneath the sink.

'What the fuck?’ came a loud thought in his head. ’Is this withdrawal?’

Rob stood back up, bottle in hand.

He looked at it for a long moment. He tried to remember when he bought it. Was it two days ago? Maybe three?

Either way, the handle was well under halfway full.

“Whatever it is...” he muttered to himself. Within another minute the four handles of various liquors were dumped down the bathroom sink.

Whatever it was, he was done.

He moved back into his main bedroom and looked at the time, before digging through his luggage and throwing on his running shoes.

He still had time to squeeze in a mile before the band met up again. And the less time he thought about shakiness and sweat, the better.



Rob tried to keep his eyes on the kit as he tracked his part on Years. It was a powerful track–one that had the same dark contour as J’s lyrics–so he help things plodding, dark, and heavy on the toms.

The metronome blared in his ears as he tried to focus on staying as deep in the pocket of the groove as possible, but his mind was somewhere else. His heart continued to race long after he cooled down from his run. Even just staying in tempo was stressing him out.

Why was he so tense?

His mind raced to the idea of withdrawal immediately, but he had his doubts that was the case. He had experienced withdrawal before. It wasn’t something he liked to remember, but the days directly during and after his divorce were dark and rarely sober. He didn’t tell many people, but after a few weeks went by in a fetid blur, he went cold turkey and stayed off everything, even caffeine.

That felt more like that sinking feeling when you first sit down on a roller coaster and it begins to move. That precise moment where you feel your agency slipping away, knowing you’re merely a passenger, along for the ride...

But this felt different. This was more like that gutteral feeling after the first drop.

Except it never ended.

As he played the final few notes, he looked up and cause Sam’s gaze. They both knew it was a bad take as soon as they saw each other.

“I know,” Rob said as he got up. “Let me pee and then I want to do a take without the met.”

“I was gonna suggest setting it five clicks slower,” Sam replied through the intercom. “So that way you’d actually play on time.”

“Ha ha,” came Rob’s sneering reply. “One second.”

He entered into the adjoining bathroom in the recording studio and pulled out his cell phone before the door even closed. A few taps and a ring later, he had Mae on the other end of the line.

“Rob?”

“Hey,” came his shaky reply.

“I’m just about to head to a photoshoot–is everything alright?”

“Yeah.”

“It doesn’t sound alright--”

“Mae, I gotta know when you’re going on tour.”

“What?”

“I know your managers told you not to tell me, but goddamn it–I’m her father. I need to know. I’ll keep it from my team as long as I can, you have my word.”

There was a long pause.

“...Either June 28th or July 2nd, we’re stuck on locking down the Twin Cities show.”

“How long of a tour?”

“They’re pushing for six months, but I’m fighting for at least five days off every two months. It’s going to be grueling, especially after a midnight drop the week before–”

“And Elle?”

“...Robbie. Breathe. We’ll work it out, you’ll get every day that’s yours with her. I’ll cover her travel and the sitter. What’s gotten into you?”

Looking up in the mirror, he noticed the tears streaming down his face. When did that happen?

“I’m sorry,” he started. “I don’t know. I just needed to know.”

“I could have been clearer,” she sighed on the other end. “I’ll take ownership of that. I really have to get to this photoshoot, seriously.”

“Go for it. Good luck and thank you.”

“Thanks. Have a drink or something. Talk to you later.”

“You too.”

The line clicked off after that, and as he took a breath and composed himself, he felt like he could breathe for the first time that day.



Five minutes later, Rob played the final beats of Years and leaned back on his throne. Looking up, he shared another moment of eye contact with Sam. This time, they both knew that was the take.

“The fuck are you hiding in that bathroom, Pennie,” came Sam as Rob stood up and wiped his brow. “That take was night-and-day from the last one.”

“Magical shit–I don’t know,” came a dry reply from Rob, but a buzzing in his pocket kept him from taking the joke further.

“One second,” he called out to Sam, but he had always gone to the room over, looking towards either Jane or Austin in the next room. Looking back down at his phone, he was fairly unsurprised to see who was calling.

“Hey Evan,” he said in a sing-song tone.

“I’ll cut the bullshit–I caught wind of a rumor MAE is touring in early August. Confirm or deny?”

“I’m not TMZ.”

“So you do know when she’s touring?”

“Evan, you’re a resourceful guy,” Rob said, “so why don’t you tell me when my ex-wife is touring?”

“I have to ask,” came his canned reply. “Recording going well?”

“Going great,” he said. “I take it you have a few venues lined up?”

“Something even better. Tell the others to keep Friday night clear.”

“Two days from now?”

“That’s Friday, yeah. I have some calls to make. I’m scheduling a conference call tonight with PR and the Marketing guys.”

“This sounds pretty ‘secret show,’ to me, Evan.”

“Just pass the word.”

The line cut off after that.

Before the thought left his mind, he shot off a text to the band’s group chat:

Conference call with a bunch of record people sometime tonight. Plus Evan wants to keep our Friday clear.

Before he could set the phone down, Austin was quick to reply”

The fuck???

As for Rob, he had just let go of one major source of anxiety and dumped his drink. If he tried to think about the prospect of playing in front of a live audience in two days, he’d likely be back at the liquor store before the end of the night.

Pushing the thought aside and hoping Evan would clarify it later on, Rob went into the adjoining room. Here, J sat wrapped up and seemingly waiting for him.

If any vestigial anxiety remained, it vanished the moment he saw her. He gladly sat with her, and looking up, Sam had given the two a sly grin before disappearing up the stairs.

“When did he get cool?” he asked aloud. He laughed slightly at his own joke, before turning back to J.

God, the way she looked at him.

“Absolutely,” he replied to her. “And I had an idea for low-key.”



After an hour, Rob was parking a rental car in an empty lot a thousand feet or so north of Laguna Beach. It was a spot Austin actually told him about, a few years back.

There was a small gazebo across a small, grassy field at the end of a residential street that rarely attracted visitors, and if you timed it just right–and Rob had–you could have it all to yourself.

Rob knew J was likely be apprehensive about being out and about in public. Or maybe he was projecting that, because lord knew he was certainly nervous. But either way, the empty gazebo was a welcome sight.

Rob snagged his impromptu picnic gear and led the two to the cliffside retreat. “Long Beach, it is not,” he started, “but it’s quiet, and there’s a really nice downtown not far from here. ...if that’s something you’d be into.”

There was a funny sort of fractal mix of comfort and nervous excitement about being out with J again. It was one part being-with-old-friends and one part first-date-jitters.

Still, he couldn’t drop his smile as he and her sat down out here. The ocean air, the breeze that signified the endless summer... it almost made him miss the California air, and dread the Seattle moody skies and constant drizzle.

Almost.

“I don’t really get views like this back home,” he said aloud. “Sure, the Cascades are beautiful but... you know.”

He gave a general gesture which roughly translated to ‘this is home.’

Because in a way, it was. Out and about, with Jane, in Southern California. What else could have been home?

“This is beautiful,” she said through a breath, taking in the scenery. They sat together, shoulder to shoulder, and for a moment they enjoyed a comfortable silence between them.

Soon enough though, they were discussing the band, what they’ve written so far, the success of Everything, and what Evan’s plans for Friday might be.

They’d come to the conclusion that it was most likely a show, and this ignited anxiety within Jane. Shooting a video was one thing, but performing in front of a crowd again was a whole different animal, one she wasn’t sure she was ready to face yet. But on this perfect outing with Rob, she wasn’t going spiral. She could do that on her own time.

Their two weeks would be ending shortly, and Jane wanted every moment moving forward with Rob to be as perfect as humanly possible.

“I can’t imagine how much you’re missing Elle,” Jane sighed, turning to him with a sympathetic smile. “I miss my cat a lot, and he’s not even human,” she laughed.

“With these checks coming in, I think I’m going to do some renovations on my house. The kitchen and the bathrooms could use an update, and the backyard is kind of a wreck. I wanna make a big garden, one I could tinker with all day long.” She smiled at the thought, her messing with plants in the sun with a cigarette dangling from her lips. All of this, of course, would be once she caught up on her bills, but Rob didn’t need to know that part.

She grabbed two cigarettes from her pack, handing one to Rob and eventually the lighter once she lit her’s.

Jane knew that the checks that the band was now receiving were probably nothing compared to what he’d made with MAE, but she wanted to know what he’d be up to once they were done in Orange County. Who knows? Maybe Jane could come to visit; she could make the drive in the Bronco. Then again, Rob had Elle to worry about when he was home. And Mae. Jane would die happy if she never had to meet her.

Maybe instead, Rob could visit her in Crescent City. They could hit her favorite restaurants, take the surfboards out, go to her favorite spot on the beach to watch the stars.

She was getting ahead of herself. Per usual. It wasn’t even clear what all of this meant for them. Yes, they still loved each other. Yes, they were on a date. But this could be over as soon as they left the house and went their separate ways. And due to the messiness of their break up, Jane wanted to play it cool. The last thing she wanted to do was scare Rob away.

Jane exhaled a cloud of smoke and cleared her throat. “So, what are your plans for when you get home?”

Rob felt Jane’s trepidation immediately when it came to discussing what was most likely going to be a show.

For Rob, performing a show wasn’t necessarily scary in concept. Not even a month ago, he could remember lazily playing his way through a show at The Alligator in Seattle. He momentarily cringed at the thought of it. It may as well have been a year ago.

But regardless, playing as In Bloom was different. The band always seemed to teeter on a razor’s edge–and from memory, Rob could only name a handful of times where the band was truly locked in with each other in a concert setting. It was an ephemeral thing, them all getting along. Rob’s mind pinged back to Austin, who was likely at home, counting the days before–in his mind–he and Jane fuck it all up yet again.

Maybe that’s what made this whole thing work in the first place, the fragility of it. If so, maybe the show would be better.

But for all his thoughts on how it could go, he could see in Jane’s eyes this was a monolithic task. He had seen the way the media tore into Jane during their implosion; or how they descended like vultures at the end of his and Mae’s marriage. But he couldn’t imagine what it must have felt like to be the focal point in their fetid, ravenous obsession.

He pushed such thoughts aside and turned back to Jane.

She way she talked about renovations and yard work shone with a fragile joy. Another uncomfortable reminder for Rob about the vast wealth disparity at play. Jane was talking about putting work into her home when Rob had always been concerned with the opposite. His fully-furnished apartment back in Washington probably only held a boxful of stuff that was actually his. The rest was picked out of a catalogue with an interior designer who could barely get him to care about the options.

“I’ve love to see your garden,” he responded truthfully as she mentioned it. He wasn’t quite sure of the implications everything at this point. Were they friends again? Were they dating?

This was ostensibly a date, sure. But that this the beginning of something else?

Rob couldn’t help considering this as J mentioned home directly. Elle would be down here in a few days, and a few days after that, the two weeks were up. What came next?

Evan mentioned an August tour, but he’d find out about MAE’s July tour soon enough, and he imagined In Bloom would be back on the road soon thereafter. So how much time would really pass? A month at most?

“Well, wait for the inevitable tour, mostly,” he laughed as he began to answer. “I shouldn’t mention this, but I have it on good authority my ex is going to be touring in July, so I’m not sure how long before we’re all back on a bus again.”

Saying the word ‘Mae’ out loud here felt a bit sacrilegious. Plus, it was just yet another reminder that the world back out there, away from here, was a lot more complicated than he wished it’d be.

The prospect of being back on a tour bus crossed his mind. And the pain of being away from Elle aside, he had to admit, he was more comfortable on a tour bus than back in his own home.”

He took a deep breath and actually began to answer her question. “But really, aside from Elle time, it’s pretty quiet back at home. I try not to spend too much time in the condo.”

Rob imagined what Jane’s home must be like. J at home, with her cat, tending to her garden.

Building a life. The idea rang through his head. Something he hadn’t done in a while. All he had really done was keep on keeping on. Kept up being what was left of him.

“But no, no real plans. I’m wide open for whatever’s next.”

Looking down, Rob slipped her hand into his and looked back out to the crashing, distant waves.

"It really is beautiful, isn't it?"

Jane’s heart skipped a beat as Rob took her hand, commenting about the view ahead of them. She nodded in response, a huge smile overtaking her face. “Yeah, it is.”

Watching the view, Jane rested her head on his shoulder and took a deep breath. Instead of overthinking things, or ruining things by getting physical like she’d done by kissing him abruptly just days before, she wanted to just enjoy the sweet moment for what it was: two old friends, old lovers, enjoy a sweet moment together without worrying what’s to come.

But Jane couldn’t help but notice something as she held Rob’s hand in that quiet moment. Was his hand…shaking?

Was it possible that he was nervous? He didn’t seem it, but then again, Rob had never been an easy person for her to read.

She grabbed his big, muscular arm with her free hand, head still on his shoulder, and held him in the silence while they watched the waves crashed on shore.

He was definitely shaking.



“I’ll see you downstairs for the call,” Jane said to Rob as they returned home, limping up the stairs towards her room.

In the hallway between all their bedrooms, she ran in to Austin who seemingly was just getting home as well.

“Can we talk?” Jane asked meekly, waving her hand towards her room.

Austin obliged, following her inside and sitting on her bed. It had been neatly made before she’d left for her date with Rob, something a younger Jane would never have bothered doing. Her room was kept clean and organized, something she’d learned during her multiple stints in rehab.

“What’s up?” Austin asked.

“I went out with Rob, and it was really nice.”

“Okay?”

“I just want to know why you’re so against it.”

Austin sighed, rubbing a hand over his shaved head. “I put my life on hold to come out here, J. Took time off of work, left my students. I just don’t want it to be for nothing.”

“It’s not,” Jane responded, grabbing his hands. “I need this so badly, and not just the money. Being here again made me realize how much I needed to make music again.”

“What happens if Rob leaves again? Do you remember what that was like? Because I do. You almost died with a needle hanging out of your arm, J.”

“I was sick back then,” Jane said quietly, but anger was beginning to bubble up in her stomach. How could he compare her then to now? “Nothing could make me touch that shit again.”

Austin nodded, seemingly mulling it over.

“Even Sam seems to be on board.”

“Yeah, well Sam wasn’t the one who saw you like that. You just ruined his dreams.”

They both laughed. “Please, Aust. If…even if it goes badly between Rob and I, In Bloom is going to thrive, and so will I. I promise.”

Austin stroked his beard lost in thought.

“You don’t have to love it, but I miss my friend.”

That made him look at her, and smile. “Damn it. Fine. But seriously, J. You guys can’t fuck this up for us. Not again.”

“We won’t,” she replied beaming. “Just be happy for me.”

“Really though… what’s going to happen if it doesn’t work out?”

Jane paused. If she was honest, she didn’t let herself think about it. That was, until now. She wasn’t sure what to say.

“See? You’re not thinking this through,” Austin grumbled as he shook his head. “I’ll lay off but, seriously, think about what you’re doing.”

And with that, Austin patted Jane’s head and exited the room, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

When Jane first returned to southern California for In Bloom’s reunion, she never in her wildest dreams thought she’d have another shot with Rob. Now that she had one, she hadn’t even thought about what could happen if it all went south.

Could she handle it not working out again?



The group agreed to use the conference table down in the basement to gather for their phone meeting with Evan.

Jane was the last one down, descending the carpeted steps carefully with her bandaged foot. She ditched the crutches finally, being able to put some weight on her ankle, but the doctor said she wouldn’t be healed fully for another month. No surfing, no yoga, and definitely no long boarding. Jane didn’t need to be told the last one again; her accident was only confirmation that she was, in fact, too damn old to be on a skate board.

She greeted the three and took a spot next to Rob, squeezing his shoulder as she used it for balance before plopping down into the office chair. Rob’s phone sat on the table, and they all waited patiently for it to ring.

Jane slipped out her notebook, opened it, and slid it over to Austin. “New song,” she explained. “Let’s write something for it in the morning?”

He nodded as he skimmed the lyrics. “We’re going to have a full album soon.”

Him saying that caused everyone to look around at each other and smile. They were really doing it. After all these years, they were able to get together and make something worth listening to. When they arrived almost two weeks ago, Jane wasn’t sure how well they would work together. They’d all changed so much in the past ten years. But they still had ‘it,’ and it made her feel excited for the first time in forever.

Jane looked over to Rob and gave him a bright smile, but at that moment the phone rang. Her nerves took over, and they all leaned forward in anticipation as Rob pressed the green button to answer the call.

“Hi Evan, we’re all here.”

Rob nearly shivered as Jane lowered herself onto his arm.

At first, he figured it was some sort of revenant of his past teenage nervousness. Something he grew out of but, for just a fleeting moment, felt again.

But it soon became clear it wasn’t that.

He was genuinely nervous. After ten years, ten long years of building another life with someone, only to have it all come crashing down–after all of it, here he was. Back with J.

It was something he, at one point in a heated rage, swore he’d never do again. And it was a promise he kept for quite a long time.

But it was all a memory now. And this is what was real.

So what next?

The question burned in his mind. And it would remain there for a long, long time ahead.

***

After Jane slipped upstairs, Rob headed outside. In his right pocket, his fingers were already curling around a spliff he had snagged from Sam the other day. And speaking off, as he slipped through the door and into the Californian air, there Sam was.

He sat cross-legged on one of the pool recliners, his head whipping up from a phone call.

“No, I won’t tell them,” Sam said. He paused, then continued: “Fuck you, I won’t. I gotta go. Talk soon.”

Sam hung up the phone and looked up to Rob.

“Got two of those?”

Nodding, Rob obliged him and sat down next to him.

“I’m assuming that was Evan?” Rob began.

Sam laughed and lit up. “You can’t possibly thing I’d divulge that, would you?”

“I’d bet you two months’ rent that was Evan giving you advance warning that he booked a tour.”

Sam’s eyes went wide. “I’d be a fucking dumbass to take you up on that,” he said, mostly-serious. “Two months of your rent would bankrupt me.”

“But not for long.”

“...fine,” Sam scoffed after a long pause. “It wasn’t exactly a hard guess.”

“Let me guess again, then,” Rob continued. “You found out first because he needed at least one yes going into the call tonight to convince the others. And we’re performing Friday.”

“What are you, his assistant?”

“He used the same trick on me a month ago,” Rob replied. He let out the air in his lungs and leaned back onto the chair. “He wanted me on board to get you guys on board. Let me guess, he called you the ‘most dependable’ and the ‘easiest yes?’”

“...motherfucker.”

Rob laughed at that one. His newfound friendliness with Sam was much calmer than his seemingly-strained friendship with Austin. Sam wasn’t a very intellectual thinker–but he was always the smartest in the room when it came down to it. All instinct.

Which is precisely why he turned, thoughtfully, back to Rob and asked, “You’re terrified to say yes, aren’t you?”

This time, it was Rob on the defensive. “I didn’t say that.”

“But you are.”

“...I am.”

“Why?”

To that end, Rob wasn’t sure how to respond. “I guess I suppose there are a few ways it could go right and a million ways it could go wrong.”
“That’s In Bloom, dude. Do you want to do this?”

“Of course, yes.”

“Then why are you so scared?”

“I don’t know,” Rob replied, flat.

“Since when did you second-guess everything? You were always so sure of everything you ever did––”

“––because that was before I got divorced, Sam!”

There was a small pause, as both men were caught off-guard by Rob’s outburst.

Rob was the first to break, continuing: “And I wasn’t sure of myself, I was cocky. I thought I knew everything. I was 20, for Christ’s sake. You fuck up enough and you lose that.”

“Yeah, no, Rob.”

“What?”

“No. I don’t buy it. You’re not some fuck up, you’re a bored rich bachelor. And you’ve been locked up so long you’re scared to commit again.”

“...ouch,” Rob replied. He took a deep drag of the spliff. “Some psychoanalysis that is.”

“Oh fuck off, man,” came Sam’s reply. “I’m not going to pity you. And you should stop pitying yourself.”

Rob’s mouth opened to say something, but he stopped himself.

There wasn’t really anything left to say. Sam was right.

“Fair,” came his short, eventual reply. The two smoked for another half hour, chatting about other things, before making their way to the basement.

Taking a seat, Rob fiddled with his phone’s conference app for a bit before feeling Jane’s small hand on his shoulder–using him for balance. He pushed the phone to the center of the table, watching as Jane slipped Austin some lyrics.

It was almost too long ago to remember, but Rob couldn’t remember a time when Jane was this prolific in such a short span of time. Had she been writing songs this whole time?

Then again. They had never been a band that was in and out of the studio. It was tiresome, lengthy work. Usually, it took months, but this time, they had enough to fill 2 LPs in a matter of weeks.

Of course, Evan would capitalize on that. His name and bright, overly-toothy headshot appeared on Rob’s phone as he called in. Rob started the call and took a deep breath.

A few minutes later, the group was introduced to a number of new names and voices. Ludwig in Marketing. Regan in Booking. Danielle the Publicist. And others. Evan called it “refamiliarizing In Bloom with the record label’s assets,” but it was truly a thinly-veiled introductory meeting.

The topic soon shifted to Friday.

“So,” Evan started, “you guys are familiar with Alex’s Bar, right?”

Austin immediately scoffed. “You’re joking right? We cut our teeth there in high school. Of course we know it.”

“Well, they’ve announced a secret show Friday, and I made a few phone calls–”

“–Doesn’t sound like much a secret, then,” Sam interjected.

Evan audibly sighed, then skipped to the point: “...and I got you guys in. Friday night. Acoustic or full set, up to you.”

Even though he knew it was coming, Rob was still momentarily shocked to hear it. His mind briefly flashed to Mae, wondering if the sudden nature was tied to her in any way, but pushed the thought aside.

He could only imagine what Jane was feeling. He lightly squeezed her thigh under the table–a quick and old way of telling her he was there. The conversation continued on a few minutes after that, with just about everyone tearing into Evan about the decision. Eventually, he had to keep explaining just to keep everyone calm.

“Look, it’s a sold-out show, guys.”

“Why the hell would a secret show sell out that quickly?” Sam asked.

“Because they think it’s you guys!” Evan exclaimed. “Look, I get it, we’re all a little old-school on how this works these days. I’m surprised too, but you gotta realize that these few weeks you guys were working on the album, it may as well have been two years. If we didn’t put out ‘Everything,’ we’d be seeing fucking YouTubers talking about how In Bloom fell off.”

“So there’s a tour in the works, right?” Rob finally broke and asked. He tried to keep quiet early on but Evan’s trickling method of news delivery was growing old.

“Nothing solid, and you guys can say no...but I was thinking July and August. Breaks every third show of at least 48 hours, and I’m trying to work in a three-day break somewhere in the middle but I can’t get either Phoenix or Dallas to budge on some weekend options–”

“My classes start up in August,” Austin cut in. “Am I supposed to leave my students with an interim professor?”

“Austin, you aren’t getting it,” Evan replied. “If you do this tour you don’t even have to be a professor.”

“I like teaching.”

“Then you can still teach and not worry about money for a year.”

Again, the room fell back into crosstalk, and a whole lot of questions. The dates, the locations, the venues.

The venues. That was something Rob was shocked to hear about. He had imagined dive bars, quirky spots in college towns, and bottom of the bill in major cities. But no.

Evan had a headline tour in the works that would start a little more than a month from now. No bands yet on the ticket, but he was pulling out all the stops on this one.

At this point, Danielle and Regan cut in. Voices of reason, the two explained succinctly how it would work, what sort of schedule made the most sense, and when they felt the album would best drop.

“We’re thinking either after show two or before show three,” Danielle explained. “Ludwig’s been calling the record plants to be sure we can do it. He’s confident we can get a limited press in by July 5th, but variants may have to wait. Most of them said they have a massive backlog to get through for a major artist release.

The room was painfully silent at that. She may as well have said, “Rob’s ex-wife is actively fucking with our release plans.”

“I’ll send you my visitation schedule,” Rob replied. All eyes turn to him, but he ignored them. He had taken Sam’s advice at this point and spoke more confidently than he felt. “If I’m doing this, these dates need to coordinate in a way that I can plan around that.”

“Actually, Rob,” Danielle replied, “Evan already communicated your blackout dates to us. He also gave us Austin’s school schedule so we could get him back before midterms. We actually need to speak with Jane and Sam sometime tomorrow so we can factor any other blackout dates into the lineup.”

The room was silent a moment before Evan brought it home:

“Nothing is set in stone, guys,” Evan began. “It’s all on refundable deposits. I’m asking you to do the secret show as a one-off love letter to your fans, and-slash-or as a personal favor for quietly managing the represses and royalty checks over the years. I don’t need a ‘yes’ right now. Talk amongst yourselves about how I’m a prick after this call, but think it over. Play the show. And if you like it and you like each other, consider going on this tour. Because if the numbers keep going the way they’re going, you won’t be picking up where you left off. You’ll be coming back to double your peak fanbase.”

The conversation continued for a bit after that, before Rob finally hung up the phone.

There was a moment’s silence between the four as they stared towards the center of the table.

“For what it’s worth,” Sam said, “I don’t need time to consider it. I’m a ‘yes.’ But I don’t blame any of you if you bow out. Just promise me it’s all of us or none of us.”

Rob’s eyes stayed down at the center of the table. He didn’t see how Jane or Sam reacted, but he glanced up, gave a firm nod of approval, and glanced back down.

Sam took in a deep breath. “Then I’m going to go my royalty check at the nearest Sam Ash.”

He left after that. And almost immediately behind him, Austin followed–silent.

Once they were gone, only then did he look to Jane.

He didn’t say a word, but he knew this time his body language was probably doing all the talking for him.

He was an emphatic yes.