megatrash

In Bloom: The Reunion

Jane’s heart skipped a beat as Rob took her hand, commenting about the view ahead of them. She nodded in response, a huge smile overtaking her face. “Yeah, it is.”

Watching the view, Jane rested her head on his shoulder and took a deep breath. Instead of overthinking things, or ruining things by getting physical like she’d done by kissing him abruptly just days before, she wanted to just enjoy the sweet moment for what it was: two old friends, old lovers, enjoy a sweet moment together without worrying what’s to come.

But Jane couldn’t help but notice something as she held Rob’s hand in that quiet moment. Was his hand…shaking?

Was it possible that he was nervous? He didn’t seem it, but then again, Rob had never been an easy person for her to read.

She grabbed his big, muscular arm with her free hand, head still on his shoulder, and held him in the silence while they watched the waves crashed on shore.

He was definitely shaking.

***

“I’ll see you downstairs for the call,” Jane said to Rob as they returned home, limping up the stairs towards her room.

In the hallway between all their bedrooms, she ran in to Austin who seemingly was just getting home as well.

“Can we talk?” Jane asked meekly, waving her hand towards her room.

Austin obliged, following her inside and sitting on her bed. It had been neatly made before she’d left for her date with Rob, something a younger Jane would never have bothered doing. Her room was kept clean and organized, something she’d learned during her multiple stints in rehab.

“What’s up?” Austin asked.

“I went out with Rob, and it was really nice.”

“Okay?”

“I just want to know why you’re so against it.”

Austin sighed, rubbing a hand over his shaved head. “I put my life on hold to come out here, J. Took time off of work, left my students. I just don’t want it to be for nothing.”

“It’s not,” Jane responded, grabbing his hands. “I need this so badly, and not just the money. Being here again made me realize how much I needed to make music again.”

“What happens if Rob leaves again? Do you remember what that was like? Because I do. You almost died with a needle hanging out of your arm, J.”

“I was sick back then,” Jane said quietly, but anger was beginning to bubble up in her stomach. How could he compare her then to now? “Nothing could make me touch that shit again.”

Austin nodded, seemingly mulling it over.

“Even Sam seems to be on board.”

“Yeah, well Sam wasn’t the one who saw you like that. You just ruined his dreams.”

They both laughed. “Please, Aust. If…even if it goes badly between Rob and I, In Bloom is going to thrive, and so will I. I promise.”

Austin stroked his beard lost in thought.

“You don’t have to love it, but I miss my friend.”

That made him look at her, and smile. “Damn it. Fine. But seriously, J. You guys can’t fuck this up for us. Not again.”

“We won’t,” she replied beaming. “Just be happy for me.”

“Really though… what’s going to happen if it doesn’t work out?”

Jane paused. If she was honest, she didn’t let herself think about it. That was, until now. She wasn’t sure what to say.

“See? You’re not thinking this through,” Austin grumbled as he shook his head. “I’ll lay off but, seriously, think about what you’re doing.”

And with that, Austin patted Jane’s head and exited the room, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

When Jane first returned to southern California for In Bloom’s reunion, she never in her wildest dreams thought she’d have another shot with Rob. Now that she had one, she hadn’t even thought about what could happen if it all went south.

Could she handle it not working out again?

***

The group agreed to use the conference table down in the basement to gather for their phone meeting with Evan.

Jane was the last one down, descending the carpeted steps carefully with her bandaged foot. She ditched the crutches finally, being able to put some weight on her ankle, but the doctor said she wouldn’t be healed fully for another month. No surfing, no yoga, and definitely no long boarding. Jane didn’t need to be told the last one again; her accident was only confirmation that she was, in fact, too damn old to be on a skate board.

She greeted the three and took a spot next to Rob, squeezing his shoulder as she used it for balance before plopping down into the office chair. Rob’s phone sat on the table, and they all waited patiently for it to ring.

Jane slipped out her notebook, opened it, and slid it over to Austin. “New song,” she explained. “Let’s write something for it in the morning?”

He nodded as he skimmed the lyrics. “We’re going to have a full album soon.”

Him saying that caused everyone to look around at each other and smile. They were really doing it. After all these years, they were able to get together and make something worth listening to. When they arrived almost two weeks ago, Jane wasn’t sure how well they would work together. They’d all changed so much in the past ten years. But they still had ‘it,’ and it made her feel excited for the first time in forever.

Jane looked over to Rob and gave him a bright smile, but at that moment the phone rang. Her nerves took over, and they all leaned forward in anticipation as Rob pressed the green button to answer the call.

“Hi Evan, we’re all here.”

In Bloom: The Reunion

“This is beautiful,” she said through a breath, taking in the scenery. They sat together, shoulder to shoulder, and for a moment they enjoyed a comfortable silence between them.

Soon enough though, they were discussing the band, what they’ve written so far, the success of Everything, and what Evan’s plans for Friday might be.

They’d come to the conclusion that it was most likely a show, and this ignited anxiety within Jane. Shooting a video was one thing, but performing in front of a crowd again was a whole different animal, one she wasn’t sure she was ready to face yet. But on this perfect outing with Rob, she wasn’t going spiral. She could do that on her own time.

Their two weeks would be ending shortly, and Jane wanted every moment moving forward with Rob to be as perfect as humanly possible.

“I can’t imagine how much you’re missing Elle,” Jane sighed, turning to him with a sympathetic smile. “I miss my cat a lot, and he’s not even human,” she laughed.

“With these checks coming in, I think I’m going to do some renovations on my house. The kitchen and the bathrooms could use an update, and the backyard is kind of a wreck. I wanna make a big garden, one I could tinker with all day long.” She smiled at the thought, her messing with plants in the sun with a cigarette dangling from her lips. All of this, of course, would be once she caught up on her bills, but Rob didn’t need to know that part.

She grabbed two cigarettes from her pack, handing one to Rob and eventually the lighter once she lit her’s.

Jane knew that the checks that the band was now receiving were probably nothing compared to what he’d made with MAE, but she wanted to know what he’d be up to once they were done in Orange County. Who knows? Maybe Jane could come to visit; she could make the drive in the Bronco. Then again, Rob had Elle to worry about when he was home. And Mae. Jane would die happy if she never had to meet her.

Maybe instead, Rob could visit her in Crescent City. They could hit her favorite restaurants, take the surfboards out, go to her favorite spot on the beach to watch the stars.

She was getting ahead of herself. Per usual. It wasn’t even clear what all of this meant for them. Yes, they still loved each other. Yes, they were on a date. But this could be over as soon as they left the house and went their separate ways. And due to the messiness of their break up, Jane wanted to play it cool. The last thing she wanted to do was scare Rob away.

Jane exhaled a cloud of smoke and cleared her throat. “So, what are your plans for when you get home?”

In Bloom: The Reunion

Jane finally let out a breath. In reality, it felt like she could breathe for the first time since she arrived at the AirBNB.

A smile cracked across her face, and she was sure she was blushing, but in that moment she didn’t care. It was the first time since they’d been reunited that she didn’t have to hide how she felt, and even if that only lasted for tonight, it was a huge weight off her shoulders.

But what did it mean for them?

So much time had passed between them, and they’d both grown in to completely different people. Rob even had an ex-wife and a daughter now. Jane couldn’t even remember the last time she’d been around a kid.

And the band. Jane just earned forgiveness from Sam for causing the band to implode. What if it didn’t work out between her and Rob again? What would happen to In Bloom?

Her head began to spin thinking of the what ifs, but she centered herself with another deep breath. She was getting ahead of herself.

Jane looked at Rob and nodded. “Same here,” she chuckled nervously. She was never good at talking; in the old days she would use her body to do the talking for her.

But things were much different now.

Instead, Jane took Rob’s hand and squeezed it. “It’s way past my bedtime. Let’s, uh, let’s hang out after recording tomorrow. Something low key.”

Jane thought it was best to leave the night like it was, to not ruin anything.

“Good night, Rob.”

And with that, Jane stood up gingerly from the side of the pool and entered the house, waiting to get to her room to let out a squeal of excitement.

***

The band agreed to get up early the following morning to record their next track, Years. Jane had written the lyrics during her final stint in rehab, and it was about the pain she felt getting clean from heroin. Austin wrote a dark and powerful guitar riff for it that packed a punch, and the song kind of took off easily from there.

The lyrics could easily read as a love song.

And I won’t miss you so much
as the days pass
I can’t wait to be
years away from you

In their years apart, Sam had learned how to record tracks, which he gladly took on when asked by Evan. Jane was really beginning to enjoy their time together as a band, and not having a stranger in their to record them was an extra level of privacy she appreciated. They’d send the song off to get mixed and mastered after recording.

Jane’s phone vibrated in her pocket, and she excused herself from the group to sit on the basement’s carpeted staircase.

“Hello?”

“Hey, rockstar.” It was Steve, Jane’s friend and neighbor. “How’s it been going?”

“It’s been good! It took a bit for us to get our footing, but we’ve hit our groove it seems. How’s Sin? I miss him so much.”

“He’s fine. Definitely misses you.” Steve took a breath, his tone shifting more serious. “These bills keep coming in.” He was in charge of her mail while she was away. Their first royalty check took care of some of her past due bills, but she’d be catching up for the next month at this rate.

“Fuck, I know. As soon as this check hits Friday, I’ll have the credit card bills and electric paid…the lights are still on right?”

“Yep, I’m here right now.”

“Okay, thanks for checking in. I’ll get caught up on the bills soon.”

“Do you need me to loan you more money?” Steve asked, hesitation in his voice.

“No, no. We have everything we need here, but thank you.”

***

Jane reentered the basement with her blanket wrapped around her, plopping down in one of the office chairs that surrounded a conference-style table. Sam was in the adjoining room recording Rob’s drums, which left her and Austin.

“Wanna grab food after we’re done here?” he asked without looking up from his phone.

Trepidation grew in Jane’s stomach. She wasn’t going to hide her plans with Rob, but she wasn’t exactly thrilled to tell Austin.

“Um,” she replied, clearing her throat, “I’m actually doing something with Rob.”

Austin put his phone down and rubbed his temples. “What’s going on between you guys?”

“Nothing, just hanging out.”

“Yeah, right,” Austin shook his head. “It’s never nothing with you two.”

Jane shushed him and leaned forward. “Look,” she whispered sharply, “I don’t know what’s going on, okay? But you could at least be happy for me.”

“I’ll be happy for you when we get on the other side of this album without the band imploding. You fucked everything up for all of us last time and I’ll be damned if you do it again.”

Tears formed in Jane’s eyes, but she immediately blotted them away with the sleeve of her sweater. “Things are different now and you know it.”

“Whatever, J. Just don’t come crying to me when it doesn’t work out, okay?”

Austin got up and exited the basement, and Jane waited until she heard his footsteps fade up the steps to put her head down on the desk and groan in frustration.

Was Austin right? Was getting involved with Rob again a bad idea? Or was he just scarred from the past?

Sam came out of the booth, headphones hanging off one ear. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Jane said, popping up from the table and offering a fake smile. “Just, uh, warming up my voice.”

“Good. We’re gonna take a break, then Austin’s up.”

“He’s upstairs.” Jane scratched her head. “He’s pissed at me.”

“I was for ten years,” Sam laughed, putting his headphones around his neck. “I guess it’s his turn.”

“I guess all of us getting along would be too boring. If you get a chance, will you talk to him?”

“Sure,” Sam nodded, patting Jane’s head.

Rob appeared, sweating slightly from recording. God, he was handsome.

“Good job,” Jane smiled, patting the seat next to her and sliding over one of the water bottles that were on the table. “Still wanna hang today?”

In Bloom: The Reunion

The bar that Austin chose was your run-of-the-mill Irish pub. Flickering neon signs lined the length of the establishment, mounted TVs played soundless soccer games, cigarette smoke hung heavy in the air, and Mississippi Queen was blasting on the jukebox.

Jane felt the flutter in her stomach - the urge to have just one beer - but she had found out time and time again that it wasn’t possible for her.

The band and crew pushed two tables together and ordered a few pitchers. Jane ordered herself a coke with lime, the closest she’d ever get to a ‘mock tail.’ It wasn’t long before a shy girl, boyfriend-in-tow, tapped her shoulder, shaking her out of the daze she was in.

“You’re Jane from In Bloom, right?”

She was invited over to their group, and to be nice, Jane obliged. They looked be around her her age, possibly a little younger, and they offered her a seat to get off her crutches.

“Your make up looks bomb!” one girl offered.

“Thank you, we had a video shoot tonight.”

“Can we get you a drink?” the boyfriend offered, and the girl who recognized her, Tess, shot an elbow into his side.

“She doesn’t drink.”

Jane winced. “It’s okay, I got my coke. So, are you guys new fans, or…”

Tess eyes widened. “My older sister was a huge fan years ago when you guys first got big. By proxy, I was one too. Been listening to you guys ever since.”

“That’s awesome,” Jane nodded, taking a sip of her drink. She was still just as awkward with fans as she remembered, and it made her think of Rob and how effortless it all seemed to him.

Rob. God, she should be used to being interrupted by now, but this time she was hoping to have a genuine conversation with him. She only got out a sentence of what she wanted to say, but it was the most important one; she still had feelings for him.

She glanced back at the group she’d arrived with to see Rob and Austin in some sort of heated discussion.

“I’m so sorry,” Jane sighed, shooting back the rest of her drink, “but I should be getting back to my crew over there. It was so nice to meet you all.” She hated how fake she sounded. She needed to get better at this eventually.

Jane hobbled back over to Austin. “What was that about?”

“Nothing,” Austin grunted. “Got some fans over there?” He pointed over to Tess and her group, and they all looked away immediately.

“Yeah,” Jane replied. “Can we go now? I really don’t wanna be here.”

An expression of defeat washed over Austin’s face, Jane unsure why, but he nodded. “Let’s go.”

***

Her plan was simple: go swimming with the boys, outlast Sam, then finish her conversation with Rob. Easier said than done, seeing as Jane was asleep by 9PM on a usual night. Tiredness tugged at her eyes as they poured out of their UberXL and into the house.

Jane didn’t feel up for a swim, so she opted for a pair of gray sweatpants and a large white t-shirt after scrubbing off the make up that Brenna had expertly applied earlier. Her hair was plopped on the top of her head in a messy bun.

Sam, since catching her and Rob kissing, seemed to be turning a new leaf with Jane. They were even reminiscing over a joint about a show they played.

“And then,” he choked on the smoke from laughing, “you puked through your nose as soon as our set ended.”

Jane grabbed the joint from Sam who was in the pool and took a big drag as she sat criss-cross on the side. “Fuck, I don’t know how I used to get so drunk and actually sing.”

“I don’t either, but you always crushed it…well usually.”

She used her foot to splash some water at him. Austin was no where to be found. He seemed moody during the car ride home, so Jane didn’t expect an appearance from him, but still…what happened at the bar?

“Rob?” Jane exhaled a cloud of smoke and passed him the joint, struggling to make eye contact. He knew her secret and yet, she still had no idea how he felt about it, but she was trying her best to play it cool and not act awkwardly.

Sam made a face at her when they locked eyes, a so what’s going on between you two? look, but Jane shot her own look back at him. One that read, [i]I don’t know, but shut the fuck up, Sam.”

“I gotta hit the hay soon, but it’s your turn Rob,” Sam said after fully submerging himself in the saltwater pool, “what was your least favorite set we ever played?”

Jane lit herself a cigarette. She had been doing so well at home, only smoking a few per day, but out here, she found herself going through nearly a pack a day again.

“Yeah, Rob, your turn,” she added, offering him a cigarette and her lighter. “The more embarrassing the better.”

In Bloom: The Reunion

Evan’s morning meeting threw a wrench in Jane’s plan to avoid Rob like the plague from the comfort of her room until she decided what to say. She kept sipping a cold glass of water to keep her face from flushing every time he turned even slightly in her direction, and Evans praise during the meeting didn’t help. It did feel good, however, to hear that they had a chance of getting their work out there before MAE dominated the airwaves once again.

After hearing that Rob would be leaving for a Guitar Center, she caught her breath. It’d buy her at least a couple of hours to figure out how the hell she would explain herself. Her eyes met Sam’s and put a finger to her lips. A silent plea to not say anything to Austin. Much to her surprise, he agreed with a slight nod.

As Rob was leaving, Jane offered a meek “good luck!” as she hobbled down the hallway to her room, where she plopped down on the bed and groaned heavily.

Part of her wanted to apologize to him, to say it was a stupid, stupid thing she did and that it didn’t mean anything.

But that would be a lie.

And Rob deserved the truth, not this song and dance they’d be doing since arriving. Jane would tell him that she still had feelings for him, and that although she planned to stuff those feelings down for the duration of their reunion, she couldn’t help herself anymore.

The worst he could do was not feel the same. But that kiss, it felt like something. Jane could only hope she wasn’t wrong.

Austin appeared in her doorway, eying her up and down. “How are you feeling?”

Jane pushed the hair out of her face and shrugged. “My face hurts, my ankle’s throbbing. I’m not excited to be in a video looking like this.”

Austin approached her and helped prop her foot up. “It’ll be memorable at least.” He examined the gash on her eyebrow, which had scabbed over and was starting to heal. “It makes you look tough.”

They both laughed, but then Jane sighed. “I’m gonna sleep for a bit, yeah?”

“Alright. I’ll wake you up when we start getting ready for the shoot. You need anything?”

“I’m good, thanks.”

***

“Yo,” Sam called into Jane’s room. “The make up artist is here. Wanna fix your face?”

“I’ll be out in ten,” she responded from deep under the comforter, and once the door was shut, she got out of bed and hopped to her closet. She settled on a black tank top with a pair of black low rise, flared jeans, and she brushed her hair out until it fell in neat waves that cascaded down her back. Evan said to dress up nice, but he also knew what to expect from her.

Jane’s crutches brought her to the dining room, and she was greeted by a tall brunette in her early twenties named Brenna, obviously in a rush. The make up artist motioned towards a chair, which Jane sat in promptly, letting her get to work. To the right, a team was setting up two cameras, lighting, and the band’s equipment in the adjacent living room that overlooked the pool. With the right timing, the sun would be setting behind them as they played.

In her peripheral vision, Rob appeared, and before she could second guess herself, she reached out a hand and grabbed his wrist as he was walking by. “Let’s talk after this,” she whispered before Brenna redirected her attention to her. Jane let go of Rob and closed her eyes, adrenaline rushing through her veins. No going back now.

“Well, I’m no magician,” Brenna sighed, stepping back and looking at Jane with a critical eye, “but that’s as good as we’re gonna get.” She handed a mirror to Jane.

“That’s crazy,” she gawked, her handing reaching up to the gash on her eyebrow, now camouflaged with concealer.

Brenna slapped it away. “Don’t touch. Now, for the eyes.”

***

It took three takes, but the live, acoustic version of Everything was officially filmed and recorded. The band, minus Jane, helped load the vans with equipment, and when they were finishing up, Jane decided enough was enough. She couldn’t sit there mulling over what to say any longer.

“Wanna cigarette?” Jane nudged Rob’s arm while every one else seemed distracted.

Once they’d both lit their cigarettes, Jane leaned her crutches against the wall and slid down into one of the patio chairs. “About last night, I’m-I’m sorry I jumped you like that…”

Good start, keep going.

“The truth is… I’ve never quite…”

Another drag of her cigarette. She was buying time; even if just a second.

“I’ve never gotten over you, Rob.”

“Hey guys!” Austin’s voice boomed from the sliding glass door. He must have seen the anxiety written all over Jane’s face, because he paused and looked back and forth between the two of them. “We’re gonna take the crew out for some drinks…Jane I know it’s not your scene, but I think it’d be fun for all of us to get out of the house a bit.”

“Uh, sure,” Jane replied, caught off guard. She immediately regretted her answer.

“Hell yeah. Rob, I already know you’re down. Let’s go!”

Jane put her cigarette out and let Austin help her up, and as they headed for the door, Jane turned around and mouthed out an “I’m sorry.”

The anticipation of what Rob had to say was killing her, but she’d have to wait a little longer.

In Bloom: The Reunion

Rob’s admission about the night before made Jane choke on the smoke of her cigarette. Not only did he know, he enjoyed it?

It was possible she was overthinking what he said - applying her own meaning to his words. But as she mulled it over, bobbing further out into the pool towards him, she could only come to one conclusion: Rob enjoyed their impromptu night together. And that thought alone made Jane’s stomach flutter.

“I, uh,” Jane stuttered, “I did too.” The end of her sentence was said through a smirk. Were they…flirting?

Her mind flashed to Austin, his warning not to do anything stupid. But then again, Austin wasn’t here.

Jane flicked her cigarette out into the yard and dove under the water, coming up for air just a foot away from Rob. The closest they’d been while conscious, anyway.

It was also the first time Jane could really soak in the new Rob. The tiny specks of gray in his hairline. The few crows feet tugging at the corners of his eyes. The years passed looked good on him. He’d become a real man without her in their years apart.

And Jane didn’t want their to be any more years to count.

She closed the little bit of distance between them and made a decision for the both of them, pulling him gently by the back of the neck and kissing him, her arms wrapping around him once he obliged.

If you asked Jane to recount the details, she wouldn’t be able to. It could have been seconds, minutes. Adrenaline and desire had her in a haze, and she was soaking up every second of it. It was just her and Rob in that moment, and she was showing him how much she’d missed him in the best way she knew how.

That was until Sam slid the back door open, and Jane jumped back, regret instantly washing over her. She couldn’t even look at him.

“I wanted to talk to Rob about something with the mix,” Sam said flatly, already annoyed.

Jane, not wanting to wait around for the consequences of her actions, swam to the steps and got herself up on her crutches. “I have a phone interview early in the morning, it’s fine,” she almost whispered, the lump in her throat forming.

What had she done?

“Good night, guys,” she called out to the both of them, keeping her tears back until she’d made it to her room.

She’d ruined everything.

“Hello?” A voice sounded on the other line.

“I made out with him in the pool,” Jane cried. “Rob. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Calm down,” Kody, her sponsor, said in her motherly tone. “I thought we were over him.”

“I…I’m not. I’ve never been. I just…” More crying. “I promised Austin I’d keep the peace and focus on the music but, but I’m this stupid, impulsive-“

“Do you feel like you’re going to relapse?” She asked earnestly, even though she knew it’d annoy Jane. She probably did it just to snap her out of the cycle.

“No…no,” Jane convinced herself, taking a deep breath. “No, I just feel like I fucked up. Bad.”

***

Here in Spirit was the song Jane’s phone chose for her 4:00 AM alarm, and there was only a moment of amnesiac bliss until the events of the night before came flooding back to her. Their first night that they agreed to put past aside, and she hits him with it like a brick.

“Shit,” she grumbled as she dug in her nightstand for her pack of cigarettes and a lighter. A New York based radio station would be calling her in a half hour for a phone interview, a “quick” one Evan promised, so it was up to her to become somewhat coherent before then.

It didn’t help that Jane stayed up with Kody, who talked her off the edge and ended the call with a long, drawn out talk about the importance of remaining sober. There was a knock that came at her door at some point during the conversation, but she called out that she was on the phone.

After two cigarettes and a cup of coffee, Jane answered the call. It was just an assistant at first, making sure the connection was good and going over with Evan, also on the line, the main talking points. Jane didn’t pay much attention, instead rolling a joint as her reward for waking up this early. 

“Alright, Jane, we’re starting in ten seconds.”

“Got it,” Jane replied.

“You’ve got this!” Evan chimed in, annoyingly cheery for what time it was.

“Uh huh.” 

Johnny: Alright everyone, we have a special treat. Jane Molloy, frontwoman of the band that used to rock our airwaves ten years ago, In Bloom! 

Jane: Thanks for having me, Johnny.

They first discussed some of Jane’s current favorite bands, her favorite pizza place in New York, and her favorite set she ever played. Evan, who could only be heard by those on the line, gave Johnny the warning they had two minutes left.

Johnny: Now, let’s talk about Everything. It’s a fantastic song.

Jane: Thank you.

Johnny: Can you tell us about the inspiration behind the lyrics? There has been a lot of guessing from what I see, but we want to hear straight from the source.

Jane froze. How did she not expect this question?

Jane: I, um. It’s…

Fuck it. Be honest.

Jane: It’s about losing someone you cared about…and how you wished you said more to them when you had the opportunity, because you feel like you can’t now. And I guess that’s been something on my mind lately. I’ve been dealing with a lot of regrets I have from the past.

Evan, worrying about where the conversation was going, let them know it was time to wrap up, and after another thirty seconds of pleasantries, Johnny disconnected from the call.

“Great job, Jane,” Evan sighed with relief. “We got the first interview out of the way.”

“Have a little bit more faith in me, Evan,” Jane replied. “I’ve grown up a little.”

In Bloom: The Reunion

“Why don’t you have your suit on?” Jane asked as she hobbled up to Austin’s door. He had just pulled a black tee on and was now sliding on his shoes.

“Old friend wants to meet for drinks, he’s buying,” he smiled.

“Oh…” Jane responded, realizing it’d just be her and Rob tonight. She felt the hot flash of panic take over her. “Do you think-“

“You’re beet red, J,” he blurted before cracking up.

“Well, I don’t know, you just told me to steer clear of Rob and my feelings, and now-“

“And now you’re going swimming?”

When put like that, it sounded pretty stupid. “Swimming.” Just swimming.

“I think you can handle it. Hell, maybe it’d be good for you two to have some alone time… learn how to be next to each other without being so awkward.”

“It’s not that bad,” Jane rolled her eyes. But in reality, all Jane wanted was for them to be friends again. For her to not want to crumple any time it was just the two of them in a room.

“Oh, it is,” Austin walked out of the room and beckoned her to follow. “Maybe next we can work on you and Sam.”

“That’ll take more than a dip in the pool, I think.”

Austin slid open the back door so that Jane could exit with her crutches, but before closing it, he whispered a quick “don’t do anything stupid.”

Jane, unsure of what she was doing at all, nodded, then turned her attention to Rob who was swimming in the pool 20 feet away. In her hands along with her crutches, she had a ACE bandage to reapply to her foot once she was done, and her phone, which she attached to the aux cord that played a Mars Volta song over the outdoor speaker. But not even the song drowned out her heart thumping in her ears as she approached the edge, setting her crutches down behind her and hopping down to the second step. The saltwater pool was heated, and Jane closed her eyes as the warmth of engulfed her.

“I have an interview tomorrow morning, so no partying hard tonight,” she joked as Rob swam towards her. Her nerves were settling, why was she even nervous to begin with?

“I, uh, I thought you were going out with Adrianna and then tonight,” she stated, even though it sounded like more of a question.

Their eyes met, and as always, Jane felt herself melt. Rob, both a stranger and the best friend she never replaced. All these years and she just wanted to hug him. To apologize another thousand times for all of the bullshit she put the both of them through. But for now, she lowered herself another step until just her shoulders and head were out of the water.

In Bloom: The Reunion

A muffled pounding on the door caused Jane to stir under the mountain of blankets she was in, and she blurted out a ‘come in’ before fully becoming lucid. As expected, Austin sat at the end of her bed, his face still a bit twisted since the last they spoke.

“Jared keeps calling the landline. Think you could talk to him?” He refused to meet her eyes and it caused a deep pang in Jane’s chest.

“Oh, yeah sorry,” she mumbled, rubbing her face. “I’ll call him in a few.”

“Thanks, and look, J, I’m -“

“Save it. You were right….are right, whatever.”

Austin breathed a sigh of relief, finally looking at her. “Thanks for growing up.”

Jane rolled her eyes, threw a pillow at him, and before she knew, they were chuckling together as he left. “Writing in an hour if you’re up for it.”

“I’ll be there,” she replied sternly. “I just don’t know how useful I’ll be with these pills they have me on.”

“Eh, I think it’ll be fine.”

The door clicked shut, and Jane’s fingers worked feverishly on her phone until Jared was unblocked and the line was trilling. Her nails subconsciously made their way to her mouth, but she stopped herself, shaking her head at the habit she thought she quit. Anxiety vibrated through her.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s me,” she sighed. “I uh, blocked you when I left.”

Jared was silent for a few moments until responding. “They said you were okay, but I needed to hear your voice.”

“Yeah, I’m okay,” she laughed nervously. “Just embarrassed.”

“I’m so sorry for pressuring you, I just wanted things to be the way they were.” Remorse was obviously in his voice, and Jane found it harder and harder to stay mad.

“It’s okay. I just, I realized I’m not as ready for things as I thought…and, and…” Tears started coming, and she knew she wasn’t doing a great job at hiding it.

“Oh, babe I’m so sorry. Look, why don’t we go out with Rob and A? Let me just take you out on a date, you don’t even have to touch me. We can-“

“Jared?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m not ready for that either.”

Jared sighed. “Okay, okay….are we good at least?”

If she was honest, Jane would say no. She’d tell him spending a night and waking up in her ex-boyfriend’s bed made her realize that her heart still hasn’t let go and that it’s possible she never would. But, being honest with herself was a start.

“Yes,” Jane responded through a forced smile. “We’re good. I’ll uh, I’ll text you soon yeah?”

“Alright, babe. Speak soon.”

***

After a quick waft of mascara and a shower, Jane ventured down to the basement where Rob was. And none of the others yet. Fuck.

She stayed as near to the walls as possible until eventually sitting across from Rob, her face on fire with embarrassment. She’d prepared an apology, explaining she was on medication and that going into his room, no matter how lovely it was, was just a mistake.

But when she met his eyes, per usual, she crumbled.

“Hi,” she greeted him meekly. She felt her smile growing too wide, so she started flipping through her notebook until she could breath again. “I, uh. I wanted to say sorry to you, I mean all of you, I -“

Breathe, Jane.

“I’ve been…distracted. But, I-I just wanted to tell you guys that I’m focused and ready to get In Bloom back on track. And I’m sorry if I’ve been weird, it’s just a lot.”

See, not so hard.

Austin and Sam’s footsteps thundered down the stairs, breaking the momentary silence, and Jane offered a small smile to Rob then looked to Austin. Sam’s distaste for her would be another project for another day.

“Ready to make some music?”

In Bloom: The Reunion

[[DUE TO A HORRENDOUS, UNFORESEEN EVENT, A VERY DETAILED AND LENGTHY POST I WORKED ON FOR 2.7 WEEKS GOT DELETED - the post will be summarized below]]

- Jane’s date with Jared started off very sweet. He found an Indian cafe to get her favorite tea, they rode around on their long boards, and would be heading to dinner shortly at the restaurant they would frequent together when Jared was in town.
- They stopped at his airbnb for them to cool off and freshen up before dinner, but Jane and Jared began to kiss, and she stopped things from going further and reiterated that she promised herself to only go there again with someone if she was in a committed relationship.
- Jared explained that they’d been “basically dating” for the past 15 years. When Jane pointed out that they hadn’t seen each other in 5 years and that being his girlfriend only in this area code didn’t equate to the relationship she wanted, Jared argued that she ran away from everyone and all her problems when she moved up north and dropped off the grid.
- After they continue back and forth, Jane said she needed to leave when she felt anxiety coming on - realizing that she felt like as the argument continued that she was projecting about her feelings for Rob - she went to grab her belongings, but before she could go, Jared held the end of her board, asking her to rethink her need for commitment, and to remember all the good times they’d had in the past.
- As soon as his grip loosened, Jane bolted down the hall and stairwell and immediately began to skate down the strip. If she came home too early, the guys would know something was wrong [or worse, she’d go running to Rob], but if she stayed downtown by herself, she worried she would have wound up at a bar. Jane also blocked Jared’s number after the second time he called. She’d been practicing riding the longboard again at the house and figured she was back to her skill level from her twenties.
- A car opened their door in the road, and Jane - with tears in her eyes and not paying enough attention - clipped it and caught air before tumbling in the road. Her only memories of the incident itself were her laying in the road as traffic honked around her. Witnesses provided details.
- Austin came to pick her up from the hospital. Jane is was pain medication, and Austin was put in charge of dispensing them to her appropriately with no contest from her.
- With a large lump on her head, a scrape on her cheek and gash on her brow bone, and a sprained ankle, Austin helped her into bed and propped her crutches up next to bed.
- During the middle of the night in a haze, Jane stumbled to the kitchen for water and back to bed.
- In the morning, Jane thought she was having a dream in bed with Rob, which wasn’t too unusual for her. She turned in and cuddled him, he embraced her in his sleep, but it only took a few seconds to realize it wasn’t a dream at all and that she must have gone into Robs room by mistake.
- As she sneaked out of the room, Austin was leaving his across the hall, and his jaw dropped. Jane motioned to him, begging him to stay silent and help her back to her bed. Once in her room, Jane explained that she didn’t know how she got there and that she just must have been too hazy from the medication to remember. Austin, not fully believing her, explained that due to her accident, a radio interview with the entire band and Jane’s solo interview on a podcast was rescheduled for the next week instead. There was no recollection of the interviews scheduled, and upon Austin catching on, he berated Jane for putting the band last in her priorities since they got there.
- Jane, realizing that he was right, nodded and told him that she would focus on just the band, instead of her normal defense mechanisms. After Austin left the room (and some tears), Jane decided that she needed to put all her messy feelings aside and do what she came there to do. She received a second chance, and she wasn’t going to let it go to waste.
- Embarrassed of the possibility of Rob knowing she was in his bed, Jane decided she’d stay holed away in her room resting until it was time for them to write around 5:00 later that day.

In Bloom: The Reunion

Waiting in a kitchen for Rob was familiar. Their unspoken meeting spot before heading out. It gave Jane butterflies, as if they were preparing to go out on a date, but then, reality would swoop in and remind her.

She was taking Rob to an NA meeting.

But according to her sponsor, Jane was bringing Austin along. She knew mentioning it would cause an argument between the two, but Jane knew she wanted Rob to be the one to see it. He needed to know that all she’d gone through - and what he witnessed for himself - was never going to happen again.

Maybe it’d inspire him a bit to ease up on the alcohol. Or, perhaps he’d see that Jane had it in her the whole time, and he would ponder how things could have gone if he stayed.

Lost in a trance, Rob appearing before her.

Jane always wondered if fatherhood changed him. If he’d dress differently, talk differently. But seeing him ready to go meeting her in the kitchen just like he’d done a hundred times before, it felt like she transported back in time.

As she worked to slowly peal back some layers over the past week, it was apparent he was still so much…himself. Not that he hadn’t matured or aged; it was obvious Jane was still very attracted to him if not more than before. But compared to the stoic twenty-something year old that she last saw, there was no stark contrast.

The only thing, really, was the subtle softness that replaced his edges. When he spoke of home, his daughter, or even now when the band was having a great session downstairs - there was this crack in the exterior that was formerly stone. His body language, his expression, the warmth his eyes, his tone. She remembered it fondly. In their happiest moments together, how ever few there were, he displayed the same mannerisms. Looking back, Rob always took the paternal role, especially when Jane was using. It was his way of loving her, and she spent so many late nights missing that feeling. To be truly cared for was something she hadn’t felt since.

Jane gave him a gracious smile and nodded towards the door, where an Uber was waiting in the driveway. “Let’s do it.”

***

It wasn’t until she was closing in on the podium did the wave of anxiety hit her. The mumbles and shuffles of a room full of people were muffled under a ringing in her ears, and her stomach churned with the familiar feeling of nausea.

”Its not a stage. It’s not a show.”

Once reaching the podium, she leaned her elbows into the wood and took a deep breath. “M-my name’s Jane, and I’m an addict.” The crowd responded, but a few murmurs confirmed that some may have recognized who she was.

After swallowing the lump in her throat, she pushed forward. “I’ll be honest, I haven’t been to a meeting in years. And since this run, I’ve barely spoken about my sobriety at all.” Tears already streamed down her cheeks, and she removed the glasses to wipe them away. A few more murmurs, a few more speculations.

“I had my first drink by ten - probably my first cigarette by then, too. Mom continued to get trashed and make terrible friends, and I kept scoring more and more. My friends thought it was so cool,” she chuckled, then moved herself away from the mic to sniffle.

“It made that feeling go away - you know…that void of emptiness you feel so deep inside, gnawing away at you. But as I kept filling it, it got bigger.”

Her eyes met Rob’s, and she nodded slightly to him before continuing. “Then you start losing your friends. People you love, t-the irreplaceable ones,” her voice wavered, her eyes now unfocused over the faces in front of her. “I lost everything important to me…or maybe destroyed is the better word. I didn’t even try to stay clean the first two times. The pain became this unbearable cycle. But uh, finally, it was enough. I couldn’t fucking take the pain anymore, the loss. The emptiness became all consuming, I…”

Jane squeezed her eyes shut. “Five years ago, I stumbled into my third and final detox after I had starting coming down from the speedball I banged earlier that night. My arms were cut up and bleeding. I don’t remember what I said, but I remember giving them my things and crying for them to fix it. And uh,” Jane smiled, wiping the last of her tears. “I did it. I figured it out.” Members of the crowd began to woo for her, but the rest waited for her to finish. “It’s still a struggle, every day. But I know I’m finally struggling for something worth it. I’m Jane, and I’m celebrating 5 years free of alcohol, cocaine, heroin, and sex.”

The crowd clapped for her, and she waved in embarrassment before accepting her chip from the moderator, then signaling for Rob to meet her outside as she descended the stage.

Before he could get a word out, Jane swiped the pack of cigarettes from his back pocket, along with the lighter, and took a large drag once she got it lit.
It was all in one swift movement, a maneuver she had mastered by the time they were both legally allowed to smoke. If Jane’s chest wasn’t pounding with anxiety, she may have second guessed acting too familiar with Rob, but the nicotine making her face tingle made a smile form.

“Thought I was gonna puke,” she admitted, peering up to Rob. “Oh,” she said abruptly, cigarette dangling out of her mouth as she dug in her pocket. “You get a souvenir.” The keychain was white with gold lettering - the words ‘just for today’ inscribed. “Like a participation trophy,” she winked, but her expression change as she saw the meeting begin to pour out of the doors. “Let’s get the fuck out of here, yeah?”

***

Later that evening, Jane was scrambling towards the kitchen as the doorbell rang. Her hair was slicked back into a sleek pony tail that ran down her bare back, exposed by a black one piece she wore under a pair of baggy light wash jeans. She went so far as to add a red lip and a pair of golf hoops, and before leaving her room, she couldn’t help but stop in the mirror and admire her work. The only other pop of color were her royal blue flats.

She had let Austin have her journal for the night, only for him to use if they needed some inspiration during their writing session. He was also instructed to put it right back as soon as they were done.

”Whats the big deal?” Austin grinned deviously. “Is it your diary?”

Jane rolled her eyes, instantly regretting that she’d handed it over. “Kind of,” she whispered. “And plus, we all know now that my writing is not ‘very subtle.’” She was, of course, discussing the radio interview Rob had earlier that day.

“That song wasn’t that obvious-“

“Well, how about the one in my notebook where I talk about the unborn imaginary son I had? And how I’m sorry for what I did to him?”

Austin remained silent.

“Or-or the song titled Jackson, where a woman gets left in her darkest moment but still is in love with the person who did it? Or how about the notebook page or two that just repeats “FUCK MAE.” What about-“

“Okay!” Austin erupted, placing his hands on her shoulders, calming the anxiety ricocheting in her chest. “I’ll keep an eye on it. You, you need a new notebook.”

Jane chuckled. “I’ll add it to my grocery list.”

Austin let Jared in, and the two hugged. “Long time,” Austin started. “How you been, man?”

“I’ve been good. Business has been good. The company has been good,” Jared winked as Jane approached him. “Happy birthday,” he whispered, pulling out a dozen roses behind him.

She couldn’t help but blush as she thanked him quietly and climbed the counter to grab a vase from one of the cabinets, handing him her longboard and overnight bag he insisted she bring in case she decided to stay at the room he had for the weekend - a ten minute drive from their AirBNB in Downtown LA. Jane didn’t give him much of an answer before when he’d brought it up. It was a nice thought to have a haven to run to if downtown turned overwhelming, but she also knew what it could lead Jared to think.

Rather, Jane decided to handle things as they came that evening. Overthinking what could go wrong would likely lead to her cancelling, something she no longer wanted to do. She needed to get her life back again.

“Sam, Rob,” Jared greeted the two, giving them a wave.

Once the flowers were in water, Jane was starting to scoot him to the door; starting their date by reuniting with Rob might make things even more awkward.

“Alright, alright,” he said calmly, wrapping an arm around her in the doorway. “Wait, Rob.”

What? What could he possibly want to tell him?

“My sister’s coming to visit next week. She heard that I was seeing J and,” he looked down to smile at Jane, and she forced one back, “and she said she wanted to see you.” He pulled a post-it note out of his pocket and threw it on the counter. “Her number. You ready?”

Jane nodded, putting her head down and following him, trying to wrap her brain around the fact that Adrianna wanted to see Rob. And if you asked her about it now - why she looked back at Rob before leaving - Jane couldn’t explain it. It’s like she was being pulled in two directions. But before the door closed, she looked back to Rob, hoping that he’d somehow read her mind. That her dating Jared was just her moving on. That seeing him with Adrianna would feel like the knife being pushed even further in.

But all she did was wave before the door shut right. Good enough?

***

Around 1:00 AM, Austin saw Jared’s car climbing up the driveway. But when the cameras also showed him exiting the car alone and banging on the door, he knew something was wrong.

“Come on,” he said to the two before dashing up the stairs and nearly sliding into the front door on his socks.

As he opened the door, Jared put his hands up, his face solemn. “Look, she’s not answering my calls for the past four hours. I just want to apologize. Can you get her?”

“Dude,” Austin’s eyes widened. “We thought she was still with you.”

Panic washed over Jared’s face, and he began to pace in their foyer, and Austin scrambled on his phone until the line began to trill.

“Jane? Are you okay? Where are you?”

“I was just about to call you,” Jane sighed. Her voice had an extra layer of rasp on top. “I’m at St. Maria’s. I’m completely fine, just ate shit on my board. They’re gonna discharge me soon, I think.” Jane would get into the details of her concussion, road rash, and sprained ankle later.

“I’m coming right now,” Austin replied, going into go mode. “J’s in the hospital.”

“Aust? Just you, okay? Promise?”

He paused, but eventually gave in, his eyes looking between Jared and Rob. “Yeah, I promise.”

“Thanks,” she quickly said before letting him know she’d text him her room number.

“Jane’s fine, ate shit on her longboard.”

“Damn it,” Jared sighed, “this is all my fault, I-“

“Save it. Go home, man,” Austin sighed, politely scooting him out the door. “You can call her tomorrow. As for you two,” he pointed to Rob and Sam, his keys dangling from his fingers, “I’ll bring her home.”

And without a word, the two exited and went in their separate cars, the home’s heavy front door clicking shut behind them.